Update

it’s Monday and I haven’t blogged in a while… well, blogged anything of any “importance”…. I’m not too glad it’s Monday but that’s ok though…. after today only 14 more working days until vacation! I am so ready for vacation…. Time to get away from work and just relax…. Not do much, just hang out… r and I were talking this weekend about him taking off work that week too… we were also talking about maybe trying to redo the front bathroom but, we’ll see on that one… it would be nice just to have time off to not have to do anything…. R and I had a really good weekend… I left work about 45 minutes early Friday because my stomach was hurting… it had been hurting since Thursday night and hurt all day long… Friday night we watched the end of season 3 of the sopranos and then watched running scared… I love the sopranos! Running scared was ok, it was long though…. Saturday I was very productive…. The kitties woke me up at what seemed like the crack of dawn so I got up, went to the grocery store, came home, cleaned up my car, and swept off the back porch… the amount of dust and kitty fur on the back porch was absolutely amazing… needless to say, my sinuses and allergies have been bothering me since… that’s ok though…. the back porch looks much better!! (I put my pedometer on Saturday morning when I got up and took it off when r got home, I walked 3.68 miles… and my legs are so sore from cleaning my car!! The wheels were a killer!!) after that though I didn’t do anything the rest of the weekend… just hung out and chilled… it was really good to just spend time with r… nice, quiet, and relaxing… I hated it though that Monday had to come… when we have a good weekend or I’m just really feeling close to him and/or the kitties I hate going to work… I don’t want the good times/feelings to end and I hate to leave them…. I know that probably sounds corny but it’s the truth…. Not that the good times/feelings have ended I just would love to be back at the house with the three of them, even though r is at work….
One of our really good friends hurt my feelings Friday though I didn’t hear about it until last night… he’s made comments before but the comments before never really bothered me… I guess it’s just because I feel that, with the exception of lately, I’ve been trying really hard to “clean up” my life… get rid of all the negativity and things that I don’t need in my life… (I’m talking about my pills and my attitude)…. And going back to the blog about me feeling like a hypochondriac… “it’s always something with me”… that’s how I feel… (even though today I’m great… I don’t feel bad, there isn’t anything wrong, I’m tired but I think that’s the danged ‘ol heat!! How I love the Texas heat…. Ok, not so much…) maybe I should just start keeping everything to myself… when I feel bad, down, or whatever… just not say anything to anyone… I don’t know if this is the right attitude to have or not… I just know that I feel I have been working really hard to try to get my life right and to get control of it (and myself) and by him making that comment I feel that everything has just been nullified… I know that I shouldn’t be concerned by what others think but when it’s a close friend it stings a little…. Ok, hurts a lot….
Tonight is my weigh in and meeting… I really need to stay for the meeting because I’ve gotten really off track not writing anything down… this weekend I didn’t write down anything… I’m not worried about the weigh in though…. Friday I ate breakfast and a little dinner but not much because my tummy was so upset…. Saturday I had 2 pieces of toast and an apple… the scale this morning said I was down about 5lbs… we’ll just have to wait and see what their scales say tonight… all I need to lose is ½ lb to get another 5lb. star!! Then I’ll have lost 40lbs!!! that is awesome!!! I know I need to stay for the meeting to get motivated!! I really enjoy the meetings and I really would like to stay!! It’s hard though, knowing what you should do versus what you really want to do…. The main reason I haven’t been staying is because I’ve been so dang hungry!! I’m like, if I stay I’ll have to wait about 45 minutes to eat dinner (meanwhile my tummy is growling!) I really don’t want to eat before I go weigh either… maybe I should snack while I’m still at work… ok, here’s the reason I don’t snack… I don’t want to go over my points… and if I snack at work on a Monday then I won’t have enough points for taco bell… (that’s our Monday night dinner)… in a way it’s a reward for me but lately it seems I’ve been rewarding myself way too much…
I’ve been having so many crazy thoughts and emotions running thru my head/heart today that it seemed appropriate that I got this email and thought I would post it… I think getting myself under control emotionally has been much more of a challenge for me than even losing weight has been…. Lately I realized I’m repressing a lot of things that I need to deal with (and have repressed things that I should have already dealt with) but man, it’s just so much easier to repress them…. I need to get in the habit of dealing with my emotions when things occur, not repressing them so that I can still be troubled by them like 10 years later…. All in all though, today is going to be a good day!! I will make it a good day!!

The complexity of your feelings could make you feel frustrated today. It may seem like your thoughts are at odds with each other and that understanding them may be overwhelming, if not impossible. Perhaps today you can focus on being at ease with and accepting everything that arises. As a feeling occurs, take a moment to verbally name it—simply acknowledge it. Tell yourself if you are feeling sad, irritated, happy, or confused. Once you name your emotion, take time to be with it. Allow yourself to care about what is happening without any struggle to erase it. If you are present with each emotion that arises, you may notice that even though your feelings seem convoluted at first, once you identify them, they are actually straightforward. They arise and pass one at a time. When we label our emotions we find that their intricacy unravels to reveal only one feeling or thought. Our minds tend to race faster than we can imagine. It can seem like we are thinking hundreds of conflicting notions at a time. In fact, our racing minds are just reflecting the speed with which our brain processes our emotions. Slowing down and naming our thoughts allows us to see our emotions as they occur one by one. Being in the moment in this way can also alleviate some of the irritation we feel when our thoughts gallop through our heads. As you watch your feelings today, you will notice that the many layers of your thoughts will become less complicated.

Perception

it's funny how many times you can hear the same thing over and over again and then one day it just clicks and you finally understand... or how something can be rephrased and then it makes perfect sense.... things have been really good the past couple of days and i think it has a lot to do with my perception of things which have been influenced by emails, conversations, and thoughts... r and i have had 2 very good days... this is only surprising to me because of my attitude the past week or so.... my conscience was making me feel super guilty for being so mean to him lately... maybe i should explain.... i've been angry the past week or so.... i know it's "bad" and i shouldn't do it but i take my anger out on r.. he's my "emotional sponge" or as he put it recently, very pliable... hehe... anyways, instead of getting mad or upset with whomever upset me i just bottle it up and then blow up at him... he knows i do this and he always asks, are you mad at me or just taking it out on me? it's his way of telling me to calm it down without him actually having to say that.... that usually works... anyways, my conscience was making me feel guilty for being so mean so i had the attitude that i'm going to go home (yesterday) and be in a really good mood and be really nice... i went home and was really nice.... we got along really well, cutting up, laughing, watching tv, and just talking... last night we went out to eat (at an all you can eat chinese buffet- with sushi!!) and then we went to target.... dinner was excellent though i ate way too much... that's a subject for a little bit later though.... target was fun!! normally when we go somewhere one of us usually gets stressed out.... not last night though... we went to target and had a blast! we got him a ton of new shirts, sunglasses, and 2 hats..... i got a couple of shirts and some new bath sheets.... (i decided we needed new bath sheets, ours just weren't very fluffy anymore....) .... we ended up spending a little less than $300... that's ok though, it was worth it!! when we got home he was trying on all his new shirts, it was too cute!! he was excited i think!! so things have been really good between us lately.... if i can remember to keep my attitude in check i think things can and will stay good!!
the eating though... monday night i went and weighed in, i lost 2lbs for a total loss of 39.5lbs!! that is really motivating but i feel that i'm getting off track!! i need to start staying for the meetings again though... i haven't been doing so good this week tracking my points and writing down everything i've been eating... this started last weekend.... i really need to get back to tracking everything... and i need to get back on track watching what i'm eating... i'm still losing even though i'm cheating more... this is both a good and bad thing for me.... plus, i need to keep exercising.... i only exercised one day last week and then one day this week so far! i ate so much last night at the all you can eat buffet though... maybe half a plate of chinese food but a lot of sushi, which isn't as bad as regular chinese, but it's still not great! my tummy hurt all night though... it was so full... i really need to quit eating until i feel like that.. that's something else i need to work on... stop eating when i'm full... my mind was saying, you never get to eat here, better eat all you can while we're here now!! and the chinese donuts!!! man!!! they beat everything all to heck!! yeah, it was the sushi and the chinese donuts that got me!! i just really need to "control" my eating though...
perception though, it's a funny thing... r and i had a big conversation about "seeing the big picture" the other night... sometimes it's really hard for me to see the big picture... and change, i complain about my co-worker never changing and not being open to change at all and in some ways, i'm the same... i need to be more open to change and doing things differently... listening to others people's positions before i fly off the handle and get mad... try to see things from a different perspective.... change my attitude of, if it's not done my way it's not the right way... when it comes to getting mad, i need to ask myself, is this really going to have any "big" effect on my life? if not, then it doesn't really matter... there's no reason to get mad over the small stuff... that's part of my problem, i get mad over the small stuff.... yes, some of the big stuff too but... for instance, i'll get fuming mad if r does something "his" way instead of "my" way.... but i can go in and rip up all the carpet in the hall without a second thought... meanwhile, he's stressing the carpet (big thing) and i'm stressing the small thing... at least i'm conscious now of the way i act... this was in one of my emails today and it made sense.... this is what i need to remember!
What was learned over a course of a life cannot be changed overnight-remember, one day at a time.

Best Quote Ever!!

Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to NOT just GO OFF on someone!

Control

i need to learn to control my mouth... lately when i open it ugliness and hatred just spew out... i probably say too much when i'm mad as well... control...

Hating

i know i'm wishing my life away but i sure do wish it was friday.... for being a short week, last week was a bear.... i sure hope that yesterday and today are not examples of what is going to transpire this week.... yesterday i was freaking out... i literally felt like i was losing my mind and i'm not totally sure why... i hadn't been awake 5 minutes yesterday morning when i was already all over r's ass.... he didn't even do anything either.... maybe that was what made me mad... the fact that he hadn't done anything.... lately my anger has been flaring back up and i've been hating on everyone and everything... i know that i have some repressed emotions that i need to deal with.... they've been repressed for years and i do not want to let them surface but, i'm going to have too.... and with that i'm going to have to forgive.... which i do not want to do... but, that's the only way to make me feel better... hating on others isn't going to make them feel bad, just me... i'm probably angry too because i know what i need to do i just haven't made myself do it yet... basic emotions i need to deal with 1) hurt 2) anger 3) jealousy and to forgive.... how do you forgive though? i mean, really, truly forgive? so that it is a non-issue.... when you think about it emotionally you feel nothing.... i need to understand that first i think....
there is this other issue... jealousy... i hate using that word but that's exactly what this is.... pure jealousy.... my brother and his girlfriend.... OMG! could they not be more sickening... she is absolutely beautiful, nice, sweet, i mean, everything... the whole package... when her and my brother look at each other, which they do quite frequently, they just smile and get giddy... neither one of them is working.... they "jet set" all over the country with no cares in the world... it just blows me away.... what am i jealous of? maybe it's the fact that her dad and step-dad and mom have money and just give it to them both freely? maybe it's the fact that neither one of them work... they're both gorgeous... everything just seems to be "perfect" for them... i know that's an outsiders opinion looking in but that's what i see.... as much as i hate to say it, hanging out with them last night kinda bummed me out... it shouldn't though... what r and i have together is amazing... we've got a long way to go but we've also come a long way!! i just need to be more positive and not worry so much about "the joneses"....
one last thing before i go... my back has really been bothering me lately... and my head has been hurting... my part of the shots to the skull, $635.00.... nice! i was hoping that the shots would help more than they have... i've been back on the meds, pain pills, anxiety, and muscle relaxers... all of them... i can no longer tolerate the pain pills... even the different ones... they make me feel like i'm freaking out and my patience is totally non-existent... i'm not really happy with this situation but i don't really know what to do....
i feel so bad griping about all of this now... i know my life is good and i have everything that i need in this moment... i have nothing to be unhappy about... i need to stop whining and recognize the positive!!

Boring

i haven't blogged lately because i'm not really sure what to say... there hasn't been anything going on... just working... i'm not complaining about nothing going on.... it just sure doesn't make for interesting blogging.... i'm really enjoying this short week at work though.... 21 working days until vacation after today!! not that i'm counting down or anything... i've just been blah lately... not in a good mood or a bad mood... just indifferent.... i guess i'm off to pay bills.... if i think of anything later i'll post it... until next time....

Thrown Off

i absolutely love having an extra day off!! the only bad thing, and it's not really bad, just confusing for my little brain... i keep thinking today is monday... i'm so glad it's not... short week!! it was so nice being off yesterday, except for the fact that i feel like i took a sick day.... i was just blah all day yesterday... woke up with a headache, took some medicine and went back to bed... woke up later, washed the sheets (that was the only thing i didn't get too this weekend), and then layed around all day long.... i wasn't feeling horrible, just blah, tired... achy all over... so i just rested.... i watched transamerica... i wasn't sure what to expect but i think it was a really good movie... r wouldn't have liked it so i watched it while he was at work... it was really good... a very thought provoking movie... it really made you think and feel for the characters.... my birthday was sunday.... it was nice, quiet, and relaxed... 2 other couples came over and we watched the nascar race... carl, my driver, came in 3rd!! yeah!! he won the busch race the night before!!! saturday r and i went with k and b up to elk city, ok, to watch b race... he did really good, he came in 3rd place and was only running on 7 cylinders... it should have been 8 cylinders (and he would have smoked everyone!!) but that's kinda a touchy subject right now.... it went good though... well, on the way up there one of the tires on the trailer blew out so r and b were out there fixing it... the spare for the trailer wasn't just real super... ok, as the guys put it, "it was really shitty".... so they moved some tires around and everything was all good!! no other problems.... it was just a nice relaxing weekend.... we didn't have anything stressful to do... just, hung out and took it easy... the way i like it....
i managed to get myself all worked up today at work... my co-worker was driving me crazy this morning... he comes in and asks me computer questions then says, ah, i'll just let you do it... then why even come ask me... and if you can't do it what makes you think i want too? i've got a ton of stuff to do and by the looks of things, you have absolutely nothing going on.... he's just been sitting in there all day... he may have stuff to do and just isn't worried about it... that wouldn't surprise me either.... no worries though... it's not my responsibility to do his job... it just seemed like earlier he was trying to annoy me on purpose... which, who knows...
there was one thing that kinda got to me this weekend... well, i found out about it sunday night.... it actually happened saturday but since we were gone all day and night i didn't catch the news or anything until sunday night.... my back doctor has/had a partner at his office... dr. shaffer, his partner was indicted wednesday for sexual assault charges with a child under the age of 17... this is a really long story but to keep it short i'll try to sum it up.... i went in to see my back dr.s p.a. on monday, when he gave me the shots to the skull, and could hear dr. shaffer dictating stuff in his office... my dr.'s p.a.'s room to see patients is right next to dr. shaffer's office.... i didn't really think anything about it except, how has he managed to keep his license... i'd talked to my (ex) chiropractor about my concerns when all this came out in the news, months ago... i decided that i really like my back dr., he has helped me out and has never made me feel the way most other dr.'s have... he takes me and my pain seriously and is just wonderful!! so i decided to stay with him... well, this weekend dr. shaffer dies up at their office... the news and paper said there was no sign of trauma or foul play... my guess is that he killed himself... that bothers me, especially the fact that i just heard him and saw him briefly this past week... i was in there on monday, when i heard and saw him... he was out of town for those charges on friday though.... then the next day after i'm in there he dies... i think it bothers me that he died at the office... that's where i go to get well.... i wasn't real thrilled with the fact that he was still practicing after all this first came out... he wasn't my doctor so i decided not to let it bother me... then this... this bothers me... it's just kinda creepy and makes me feel well, odd.... do i really want to go see my doctor in a building where someone died... especially if he killed himself??? i'm not sure if i'm being over dramatic about this or not.... any comments or feelings please share... it's just, well, scandalous for a town this size... and i guess freaky to me because it hits so close to home.... him being my back dr.'s partner.... and the vice-president of the PRG..... luckily i don't have to go back to the dr. until the end of august... i feel bad for my back dr. though... that has to be hard on him, his family, and his practice.... i don't know if dr. shaffer realized what an impact this would have on those close to him but i do wish he would have thought about it before all this happened, especially the consequences to his partners practice and business... which, he should have been thinking last summer when he was messing with his 15-16 year old "nanny"... who went on vacation with him and his wife, but no kids....
i've got to go to the store today when i get off work... i was going to go thursday night but then didn't.... i thought about going this weekend or yesterday but the couch was so comfy.... hopefully since this is a short week it will fly by!! 23 working days left until vacation!! YEAH!!! i'm counting down!!! it will be so nice to have a whole week off!!!

....

thursday.... today seems like it should be friday... that's ok though, one more day til then.... i'm trying to think... (sounds painful huh?!?!) what to blog about... there really isn't anything going on... i've walked one mile with my 5lb weights the past 2 days.... everything on my list (getting my drivers license renewed, going to the title office, etc.) has been done, except for cleaning the house, which r and i are doing friday night... fun!! this is the cleaning weekend and i would like to clean sunday before everyone comes over... just so there's not as much cat hair floating around... my neck and head are feeling better... my neck is still tender and i've still got 2 small lumps... i haven't been sleeping very good, my pillow bothers the lumps... my head is feeling better though... the pressure isn't near as bad as it has been... since the shots it's getting better, gradually, but hey, any improvement is a start!! as for my attitude, i got mad tuesday afternoon and calmed myself down but when i got home i tried to get mad at r.... i don't know why i do that... i tried to do it yesterday too... i caught myself though and walked my mile... after that i felt better though! it's like i just look for a reason to get mad at him but, the good thing is, he can tell when i'm doing that and helps me "get over it".... he just straight up asks me, are you just looking for a reason to get on my ass? my reply, yeah, sorry.... then we go on and talk about something else and everything's all good.... i'm working on it though... i'd have to say for the most part my mood and attitude have been good... i get grumpy when my neck and head start hurting, usually in the afternoon, but i recognize it and try to be more patient.... at least i'm (becoming) conscious of these things...

Shots

yesterday i called the dr. and they were able to see me at 2:30 yesterday instead of thursday morning... when i went in my head was hurting pretty good.... not as bad as it was yesterday morning but pretty good.... the dr. gave me 2 shots in the base of my skull, one on each side of my neck.... the left side wasn't as bad as the right side... don't get me wrong, they weren't pleasant but the one on the right side, man, it was harsh.... my neck is sore today... i've got 2 lumps where he gave me the shot... he said that the lumps and the soreness could last a day or so.... sore too... that's ok though... if they help my headaches it's all worth it... my head is still hurting though not near as bad as it was.... i've got my ice pack with me at work today....
so i went and weighed in last night.... it went well!!! a lot better than i thought it was going to go!! i lost 2.5lbs for a total of 37.5lbs lost!! that was a shocker.... i even had 2 pieces of birthday cake saturday night!! i'm so motivated and proud of myself!! i'm getting so close to having lost 40lbs!! depending on what i set my goal weight at i am half way done!! that is so motivating too!!! i am so walking 1 mile almost every day this week with my 5lb. weights!!!
i'm really trying to be conscious of my goals... like, getting rid of negative thoughts and bringing in the positive ones... exercising more... i know i keep saying it but, i'm really liking this walking dvd.... it's really not bad at all!! i almost kinda look forward to walking every day! (crazy?!?!)
this morning at the post office i saw my (ex) chiropractor.... i haven't seen her since the last time i went in and asked her about the traction bed and my back.... it was really odd for me... i didn't know what to say to her.... k told me that she's getting married so i asked about that.... i didn't get mad or upset, it just kinda threw me off a little bit....
anywho, i'm off to ice my lumpy head.... more soon!!

Busy

i have been awake since sometime between 4:00 and 5:00 this morning... i'm not sure when exactly i woke up, all i know is that my head started hurting saturday afternoon, hurt all day yesterday, and woke me up early this morning hurting.... i was in tears when i woke up... it felt like my brain was pressing against my skull... the pressure was so horrible, it hasn't hurt that bad in a long time.... man did it hurt!! i tried ice packs, pills- prescription and not... everything!! nothing helped!! it took me about twice as long to get ready this morning because of my head.... it's feeling better now but it's still hurting... i'm glad not as bad though... i hope it quits hurting so i will feel like weighing in tonight.... i was debating there for a little while about waking r up to have him take me to the emergency room.... but to me, the emergency room is the last resort... i mean, you have to be in some serious pain.... like, you're not able to take it anymore.... and there for a little bit i thought that might have been my case... i go see my pain management dr. thursday morning.... i thought about calling to see if there is anything that they can do in-office to help relieve the pain and pressure... we've talked about cortizone shots at the base of the skull.... i don't know if they can do those in office or not.... (do i really hope they can!?!?!? yes and no) the steriods helped with the pain though.... guess they shrunk my inflamed greater optical nerves... something needs to give though!!
it occurred to me yesterday afternoon that this is going to be a busy week for me.... i'm not sure about at work yet but i have a ton of stuff that i need to do outside of work... and most of it involves places that close at 4:45 or 5:00.... i'm also hoping that this will be our last "full" week of work this month... hopefully we will have monday off... that would be so nice!! i got myself stressed out yesterday when i started to realize everything that i had to do this week.... some of it is stuff that has to be done this week too... like, getting my drivers license renewed.... it took me a little while to realize that i had gotten myself worked up over some pretty "unimportant" stuff.... i mean, this stuff has to get done but why am i stressing over it... it's not like i've never gotten what i need to get done taken care of.... no need to stress it... this morning on the way to work i was still thinking about my errands and realized that i wasn't really stressed about them... i'll get them taken care of... kinda like the bedroom.... r and i got the curtains hung yesterday.... i was going to hang a few pictures but i didn't realize we were out of wall hangers... we had bought some at the store a while back but didn't have as many left as i thought we did.... that's ok though, i need to go back to the store... we're totally out of laundry and dishwasher detergent... :) i'm trying not to stress though... my horoscope this morning that really made me think.... when i read my horoscope i don't put a lot of stock into what they say.... some days they seem to relate more to my life than others do.... anyways, today was one of the days when it seemed to pertain to me....
Time For What Matters
You may find that you are feeling a greater sense of responsibility today. You could also find that you are feeling more practical about your life decisions. Since you may be more aware than usual of your commitments today, you may also experience a greater sense of accountability for your choices. Perhaps this would be a good time to slow down and evaluate the responsibilities you have. You may want to try organizing your commitments in your life in a way that honors your priorities and life purpose. Allow yourself to make room for what matters to you. You might find that putting things in order today will help create a sense of harmony in your life.When you take the time to prioritize your commitments, you are learning how to work in a calm and conscientious way. Working consciously means that you focus on what needs to be done with awareness. So often in life we can feel that there are too many obligations and too little time to accomplish everything. As you make the effort to decide what needs to be done right away and put first things first, you leave room for the things in life that may not always get proper attention. Being practical with your time creates space for the important aspects of your life—family, friends, health, reflection, and meditation. Setting your priorities today can give you the means to expand the areas of your life which most need attention and create room for greater serenity.

what really made me think were these two sentences: You may want to try organizing your commitments in your life in a way that honors your priorities and life purpose. Allow yourself to make room for what matters to you. i need to make time in my life for what is important to me... lately exercising has been important to me.... spending time with r (and the kitties) is very important to me.... spending time with family and friends is also a high priority... i need to really think about and prioritize what is important to me in my life.... not what i think should be important or what others might think is important... i think organizing my priorities will help me out in so many different ways, it will help me come closer to achieving my 4 goals.... this weekend i was talking to k and i was griping about this and that and then i stopped and said, wait, every time i have a negative thought i'm supposed to change it into a positive thought or affirmation.... so i changed my thoughts and amazingly enough i forgot what it was i was griping about... i don't even remember now....
on a different note, i got on the scale this morning and it showed that i was about where i was at last week when i weighed in... i'm not sure how accurate my scale is now.... (it might be but since it was so "off" last week....) i'm not worried though.... my goal is to maintain this last week and this next week... a friend's 30th birthday was this weekend (i don't think i did that bad! and then memorial day is this weekend).... i might have gained, but if i did i'm ok with that because i think it might be muscle.... really.... i've been walking (and walking with 5lb. hand weights) and doing exercises.... my legs feel more muscular (as opposed to jiggly....)... i didn't say body-builder muscles, just more muscular... i feel so stupid saying that but it's true.... i'm ok with whatever happens though... to be honest, i'm really liking walking.... this dvd sure makes it easy... and adding the hand weights makes the 1 mile a challenge.... i know, 1 mile with 5lb. weights... you gotta start somewhere though.... saturday i was getting ready to go run some errands and thought, just for kicks i'm going to try on some shorts that i've been using as a "goal" since i started weight watchers.... i haven't been able to wear these shorts since i worked at comet... that was at the end of high school and the beginning of college (my 10 year high school is this year, october)... OMG! they fit, comfortably!!! i was so shocked and surprised!!! and too excited!! i think that made my weekend!! and motivated the hell out of me!!! hopefully my head will quit pounding so i will feel like weighing in tonight!!

Too Cute!!!

i absolutely love this picture!! it is too adorable!! kinda makes me want some "pet" pandas... hehe...
things have been good this week.... i've been in a pretty good mood.... i haven't really gotten upset this week, well, maybe i have, but not as bad as it has been.... i don't know if it has something to do with my subconscious and me talking about working on keeping my emotions in check... probably so but that's ok, i'll take that! but i really am working on keeping my anger in check and trying to difuse it before it gets out of control... i'm learning the warning signs that i'm about to get really mad and starting to take action to calm down before i just fly off the handle... it's working pretty good! my co-worker and i are actually able to have a conversation... a short one, but it's a start! this weekend we're going out to a friend's house to watch the races.... her 30th b-day was yesterday so we're celebrating that... i've got all my fingers and toes crossed that we're off on the 29th.... the 28th is my birthday and it sure would be nice to have monday off!! we'll just have to wait and see though!! we need to get the bedroom put back together... well, basically hang the stuff on the walls... when we get that done i'm going to post pics of the new bedroom... i love it and am so excited about it!! the bed is still way too comfortable!! getting king sized pillows really helped too... i didn't realize that there was so much difference between a regular pillow and a king sized one... as r puts it, not having your face fall in the crack of two pillows when you roll over is great, i sleep much better! less than 5 hours til the weekend!!

Not Quitting!

the past couple of days i've been feeling very anxious.... i'm not sure why but i just know that i've been feeling anxious.... i need to delve into my emotions deeper to see if i can figure out why.... i read this blog, doc's place, and it is so good!! i found it one day when looking for tips on anxiety, anger, and depression... i saw this on there today and it made me think:

Control is a very important issue for most of us, especially those who are anxiety disordered. This does not mean being a controlling person of those around us but rather being in control of our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

control is very important to me! not controlling my environment so much as controlling myself... i can see now why people have eating disorders and stuff like that... they can control their eating, even if that's the only thing.... i want and need control of my life... living it for me and not anyone else... i am happy and i am going to continue to be happy.... my life is great and it is getting better! i have more than i need and am grateful for that... today most of the stuff that i have been reading has had to do with positive thoughts and affirmations... my positive affirmation is:

No matter how long it takes, I won't quit!

what is it? whatever it is that i'm dealing with or talking about... losing weight... controlling my anger and emotions... using positive thoughts and affirmations.... whatever it is, i'm not going to quit it.... i guess now i need to make a list of a few very important goals... or i should say, goals that i am going to achieve....

My Goals:
1. Repeat my (or a) positive affirmation when i think about it or when negative thoughts try to creep into my mind.
2. Learn to "control" my emotions.... this includes learning what triggers my anger and other emotions....
3. Exercise more.... as much as i hate to admit it, i have been feeling better lately... exercise helps...
4. Lose weight... my weight loss will be aided by my other 3 goals....

I have 4 goals right now... yes, they are very broad goals but they are my goals... and no matter how long it takes, I won't quit!!

-35 total

i went and weighed in last night! i lost 3lbs for a total of 35lbs lost!!! yeah!!! i am so excited!!! i feel so much better and my smaller clothes fit now!! getting another 5lb star really motivated me!! this week will be a small challenge but that's ok... as long as i don't gain i'm fine with it!! my birthday is coming up at the end of the month so that will be a small challenge too but, like i said, as long as i don't gain i'm cool with it!!!
on a different note, i think i may have some clue as to why myspace makes me feel funny.... i don't think i have a very good "outlook" of myself... i see myself as not a very good friend and sometimes not a very good person.... myspace brings back feelings i felt in high school and later.... when i was really depressed and down on myself.... my self-image has gotten better but it's still not as good as it could be.... but i'm working on that... change is and can be a good thing! i have never really considered myself a "social" person... i feel that i'm kinda shy until i get to know you... i guess i guard myself so that the other person won't think i'm a "loser".... this morning i read an article on perfection and trying to make your life perfect.... i think that's how i am... i try so hard to make everything perfect... all i should really be worried about it doing and being the best i can be... no one is perfect.... the work continues (and i suppose it always will!!)... i'm not griping or being hard on myself now.... i'm just "calling it like i see it"... i am going to work on my self-image... i have a lot to be proud of and should be!!! here's what i read on perfection:

Letting Go Of Perfection
It is good to remember that one of our goals in life is to not be perfect. We often lose track of this aspiration. When we make mistakes, we think that we are failing or not measuring up. But if life is about experimenting, experiencing, and learning, then to be imperfect is a prerequisite. Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead.This doesn't mean that we don't strive to be our best. We simply accept that there is no such thing as perfection-especially in life. All living things are in a ceaseless state of movement. Even as you read this, your hair is growing, your cells are dying and being reborn, and your blood is moving through your veins. Your life changes more than it stays the same. Perfection may happen in a moment, but it will not last because it is an impermanent state. Trying to hold on to perfection or forcing it to happen causes frustration and unhappiness. In spite of this, many of us are in the habit of trying to be perfect. One way to nudge ourselves out of this tendency is to look at our lives and notice that no one is judging us to see whether or not we are perfect. Sometimes, perfectionism is a holdover from our childhood-an ideal we inherited from a demanding parent. We are adults now, and we can choose to let go of the need to perform for someone else's approval. Similarly, we can choose to experience the universe as a loving place where we are free to be imperfect. Once we realize this, we can begin to take ourselves less seriously and have more fun. Imperfection is inherent to being human. By embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself.

Feeling Funny

i haven't had very much to do at work today.... ok, i've basically been surfing all day long... i had a little bit of stuff to do but not very much... now i'm just trying to look busy.... seeing as how i had so much free time today i got on myspace.... i don't know what it is about that site but it makes me feel funny.... how, i don't know how exactly?!?! how does it make me feel? uncomfortable.... like, it just leaves me feeling funny inside... anxiety maybe?!?! yeah, a little bit.... i'll start searching for people and will find some and won't find others... i guess it brings back memories and that's where the anxiety comes from... it's not just one certain memory either... it makes me feel uneasy.... i guess maybe part of it comes from me... not exactly judging people but i'll be looking at their profile and ok fine, make a judgement about them, and then i find myself thinking, people probably look at my page and are like, loser!! she has nothing better to do than write about and mess with her kitties.... i don't know if it's all of part of something along these lines... all i know is that for some reason myspace makes me uncomfortable... it's all in my head too.... i'll be fine before but for instance, now.... i feel weird... like, i'm a no one... my life sucks and everyone else probably thinks so.... i don't feel that my life sucks... at least not now and not all the time.... yes, there are downer times and crap like that but it doesn't suck... and even if i said it does, it probably really doesn't, i'm just in a bad mood... if i was really unhappy i would work to change it... i'm working on myself physically and mentally now.... trying to fix what i'm not really fond of.... but why with the myspace bothering me?!?!?! i don't understand or get it... maybe i do and i'm subconsciously repressing it.... there is something on or around there that makes me anxious....(it's a good thing i'm not repeating myself!!!!) see, now i'm getting upset with myself for repeating myself... and for letting myspace make me feel like this.... i wish i could pinpoint exactly what it is... it's almost like a sadness.... i feel like there is a black hole inside me somewhere... all over a website?!?! see, this is what i'm talking about.... this is frustrating!!! maybe i just know that there are going to be people on there that i don't want to see and/or talk too and know that i may have to deal with them... i guess i just need to either stay off of there or figure out what the problem is and deal with it.... weirdo!!

Good Stuff!

we had a really good weekend... the carpet was installed friday.... the bed came on saturday... man, it looks good!! the bed is huge!! it comes up to my hip! when i sit on the bed my feet don't touch the floor! that's what i'm talking about!! and OMG! it is so comfortable!!! i have slept like a baby the past 2 nights!! it's so nice having that much room!!! wow!!! i didn't know how much of a difference it would make!!! like i said, we had a good and productive weekend... got lots done around the house... got the house cleaned really good yesterday!! it looks good! i'm really happy about everything!! also, on a weight note, i am able to wear a pair of jeans, shorts, and capris that i wasn't able to wear before!! so excited about that!!! my scale shows i lost... i'm not sure how much but i've been doing some exercises that i printed off of weightwatchers.com... they involve handweights... i've been doing those... i didn't walk this week but i'm going to walk this week coming up... thursday is one of my friends 30th birthdays so we're going out to their house to watch the nascar race on saturday night.... i go weigh in tonight and i'm staying for the meeting... i think the meetings really help me stay focused and on track more... as much as i hate to admit it.... hehe.... i've lost a total of 32lbs so far!! my goal now is to lose 3lbs more so that i can get another 5lb star!! i have been really motivated this last week, as opposed to about the past month, oops!!
the weekend was good though!! hopefully i'll have more good news to report tomorrow!!!

TGIF!!

i am SO glad that it is friday!!! this week seemed to drag by... only because i have been waiting on the new carpet and bed... the carpet is being installed as i blog.... the bed will be here tomorrow!! tonight is the last night of sleeping in the dining room... and on the old bed!! tomorrow night, 14" extra of wonderful mattress!!! i am so excited and so looking forward to it!! it might be kinda hard to get me out of bed sunday.... i am really glad that the bedroom will be done tomorrow!! then i can get everything put back in its place and get the house cleaned... it is dirty!! my mood is much better... today is pretty much the first day of that though... my dr. appt. was cancelled this morning... i had a message on the machine when i got home yesterday... no biggie though... my mood has improved and if i can make it thru today i'll be all good!! at least for this weekend anyways... hehe... there hasn't been much going on... i went by mom and dad's last night and visited with them for a few minutes... they have a huge home improvement project going on... they just got new countertops in the kitchen and they look SO good!! marble!!! very nice!! mom is coming over to kittysit while the carpet guys are there... she is so wonderful!! i am tired from not sleeping too well lately but, today is friday... i know i can make it to 5:00!! more later!

-1.5

well, luckily all went well at the weigh in last night... i even stayed for the meeting! i think that staying for the meeting really helped my attitude a lot... man, i forgot how funny our leader is... i was cracking up thru the whole thing.... i think the meetings help my attitude.. how, i'm not sure, but i think they do.... r and i went and picked out carpet yesterday... they're going to install it friday morning... then hamilton bryan is delivering our bed on saturday.... i'm ready for it... i haven't been sleeping too well in the "dining room"... not sure what that's about either but... soon everything will be back to "normal".... yesterday turned out to be a not too bad day after all... last night at the meeting our leader was talking about last week's discussion and negative attitudes and thoughts... she said, everytime you have a negative thought or attitude about something turn it into a positive... you are not allowed to have negative thoughts.... she also said, this is going to seem impossible to do all at once but it's not... with time it will become easier and easier... that reminded me of my self help books that i really need to be reading! i think my reading material might help contribute to some of my bad attitudes... crime and murder mystery books... i'm not saying i'm going to go commit a crime or murder but reading that versus a positive self help book... well, there's a difference on how they impact you, well, me anyways.... i've got a whole ton of stuff to do up at work but just can't seem to get motivated.... everything that i need to do is "big" and requires a lot of time... anywho, the meeting helped my mood! i lost 1.5lbs so that is good!! the bedroom is done... well, the plans are in place for it to be done... that makes me less stressed too!! i'm going (to try) to remember to keep a positive attitude!!!

What the....

once again, it is monday... am i excited it's monday... nope, not in the least... i don't even know where to begin... r and i had a very productive weekend... i got the bedroom painted and faux finished... we pulled up the carpet, pad, staples, and tack strips, and decided to get carpet... no hardwood floors... i really don't want to have to maintenance them anyways... we're going to look at carpet this afternoon.... lately my mood has just been bad... it will be ok for a day or 2 but then it just seems to go back to nastiness.... i was on r's ass all weekend long... he could not do anything right... and it wasn't him though, it was me... he said, i just want you to have fun working on the bedroom... well it would have been much more fun had someone helped me... ok, i had help moving the furniture and taking the carpet and pad out but that was about it... saturday he made several comments to me and i was like, how do you expect me to have fun when i know that this is stressing you out and i'm stressed, plus not to mention all the other stresses besides the bedroom? (he is not a fan of home improvement projects at all...)... one of his comments made me feel so unappreciated though... it had nothing at all to do with the bedroom either... it was about his stupid cell phone... i go see dr. b, the psychiatrist, on friday... i'm kinda glad but kinda not... when i was really down he always upset me because he wanted to know what was bugging me... the last time i went to see him i had a really good visit... i have a sneaky feeling this friday won't be like the last appointment with him.... what to do though... the only decision i've been able to come too is to quit taking my pain meds... i can barely tolerate them... they put me in such a foul mood.... i think that's what's been wrong with me the past couple of weeks.... i feel the same way on these that i did on the ones before... so irritable and if you don't do whatever it is my way and now, well, i'm going to be pissed... i'll probably find a reason to be pissed anyways to be perfectly honest... i have been so pissed lately and it kinda scares me how quick i can go from being in an ok mood to just extreme anger.... that's how it's been going lately... pissed at everyone too.... i want to just go and stay home with my furbabies... i know that's not healthy but, whatever... oh yeah, speaking of healthy.... i watched my points like a hawk this week... i didn't even get into my flex points until sunday! this morning the scale showed i gained like 1-2lbs... what?? i walked tuesday and wednesday, thursday night started kilzing the blue walls in the bedroom and then worked friday after work and all weekend long... basically from the time i woke up saturday and sunday until i went to bed i worked on the bedroom... all weekend long, all by myself... it doesn't matter now, it's over and done with though... i'm keeping my fingers crossed that they can put the carpet in soon!!! if not, i don't know what we're going to do.... but yeah, back to the weigh in tonight.... i watched my points all week long, tried to eat healthier, and exercised!! if i go tonight and gained i'm going to cry... i have no idea what to do then... we'll just have to wait and see... no more pills though, i've got to get myself back under control.... damn the circles i keep going in!

Yuck

it is monday.... yuck! i am so not excited about it either... i can't believe it's may 1st already though... that is just crazy, the year is almost half over!! i'm just blah again today and not sure why.... i just really don't want to be here today and have a bad attitude about it... i'm going to weigh in tonight and i'm staying for the meeting! i have too... i have no idea how i did this week... the scale this morning showed i lost... not sure how much but hopefully i didn't gain... i'm just blah... very irritated and edgy... might be the pain meds... could be my attitude... not sure and right now i really don't care... hopefully today will go by fast!!! i'm ready for 5!!
saturday r and i went and mattress shopped.... we picked out and bought our mattress though it won't be here for 2-3 weeks... that's ok though... i bought a comforter and sheet set saturday night and now i want to repaint the bedroom... i really want to get new carpet or redo the hardwoods but right now i'm just shooting for painting.... before we get the new bed anyways... i'm really excited about the bed!! it will be so nice to actually sleep thru the night!!! the race is today, it was rained out yesterday..... i wore my carl t-shirt for good luck hopefully!!!

In the Closet

r and i were sitting here talking tonight about life and how we handle things... i said that his family made me nervous because i never know if they're going to call me out on something... not anything big, just anything... that makes me nervous, talk about anxiety... he said, well, your parents raised you pg-13 and kept everything in the closet, even though un-pg-13 things were happening... i was part of it... i think mom and dad "knew" what i was doing, for the most part, and to be honest, it wasn't that bad.. (it took me a while but i'm a good person now...) we don't talk about anything... high school, my senior year, december-ish... my solution, don't deal with it... blow it off... if it keeps trying to come back and you still don't want to deal with it and blowing it off isn't working, just drop it or pretend it never happened... i've done this recently and for that, i am truly sorry... i didn't realize that was how i handled things.. but it is... until r and i had this conversation i never realized that his family stressed me out because of that fear and i never realized that me just not dealing with things was really how i handled problems or really, how i ran away... r's family was very relaxed when he was growing up and they still are... they were never being punished (get this, he was NEVER grounded, not once that he can remember!!!! i can't tell you how much time i spent grounded... i think like cumulative 3 of my 4 years of high school)... his parents were always hanging out with people, partying, whatever... they got into "bitching" matches... the parents would bitch at the kids and then the kids would start bitching at the parents... i've seen it but it is so odd to me.. not exactly the same type of fights that my parents and i got into... now i'm not saying that my family didn't deal with things but we did and we didn't... we did in our way... we were punished, and i'm not disagreeing with that at all... better believe that my kids will get spanked!! i think that some of both worlds is something that we can both take away and utilize later on in life.... that's my opinion... i'm not saying it's a bad thing at all... to me it's a realization... i also realized that not dealing with things is not a good thing... it can almost destroy a very good friendship, luckily in my case my friend was a good enough person to keep trying... we haven't talked yet but i would like too soon... that makes me nervous as hell but man, i owe it to her... i need to deal with my "issues"... i just want it to be over and just end it... some things you can do that with, others you can't... i am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life to help me learn and grow... and also to forgive me....

Dr. Visit

so i went to see dr. bob this morning about my back... i am so glad that i did too!!! i now know the reason behind my headaches... it's my greater occipital nerve causing them.... he said he doesn't know what is triggering them but that's the reason they are where they are.... he said we could do little cortizone shots at the base of my skull if the headaches don't get better... he said that there is a lot of research being done right now on people who have chronic headaches and many diagnose them as sinus infections or migraines when in fact they may be caused by that nerve... my back "flare up", that's what they call them, hehe, could have been caused by the traction bed, especially since i haven't done anything else out of the ordinary... he put me on a 7 day packet of cortizone steriods, i don't know if all cortizone is a steriod or not... i didn't even think until later though...
diet + steriods = not good.... that's ok though... i'll deal with it, especially if it helps and keeps me from having to get another epidural injection... he also gave me some different pain meds to try... he said that if they worked and i could tolerate them to just let him know and they'll call me a prescription in.... sounds pretty good!!
ah, so the weigh in.... well, i gained 3lbs... i'm not sure what happened either but that's ok... i'm taking it in stride... like i said yesterday, i weighed sunday morning and had lost 3lbs... weighed monday morning and the weight was off the charts.... there are a number of factors it could be... i'm just going to do my best and work on keeping it off, especially while i'm on the steriods... even "giving back" the 3lbs i've still lost 30.5lbs! that's pretty dang good!!! i'm pretty excited!!!
i feel so much better today than i have in about 2 weeks (even though my back and head are still hurting)... i think it's because i went to see and talked to dr. bob.... i have been and am really impressed with dr. h and his staff.... they have been nothing but nice and understanding since i have been to see them!! i really like them!!! i told dr. bob that i felt like a hypochondriac and he said, there is no need to feel like that.... you have the signs and symptoms of everything that you have been describing... your back and head/neck are tender.... you don't need to be in pain... we can fix it, well, most of it anyways... that made me feel much better!! it's just really nice to have a dr. listen to me for once and not try to tell me it's all in my head!!

Frustration

well, guess what, i'm frustrated.... i don't think it's managed to change to pure uncontrollable anger yet but it could... i know that my pain pills make me really edgy and nervous, very irritable, and my fuse is a lot shorter but man, this is riduculous!! my co-worker has driven me up the wall.... yes, he has... he's just so damn annoying.... just leave already!!! he is such a moron but he treats everyone else like the village idiot... if he only knew.... i thought maybe blogging away my frustrations might help.... can't really tell yet if it's working or not.... i just need to keep busy!! easier said than done though.... just bored and frustrated..... come on 5:00!!!

Change of Heart

this morning when i was getting ready for work i was thinking.... i was thinking about how when i get to work i'm going to blog everything that's wrong with me... what i'm feeling.... instead of being negative though, i'm really trying to be positive... i'm pretty sure i got discouraged this morning when i got on the scale.... yesterday morning it said i had lost about 3lbs... pretty good considering i exercised twice but went to walmart yesterday and sweat there for about an hour and a half... i watched my points this week too and really didn't hardly cheat at all... i didn't go over my flex points.... this morning when i got on the scale it said i had gained 6.5lbs from where i was last week, so that's like 9.5lbs since yesterday morning... what is going on... yesterday i didn't do bad at all... we ate sandwiches for lunch and then ordered pizza for dinner... i'm not sure what happened... or if it could be all these health issues i'm having.... my back, head, neck, the . problem, now i've got another problem thanks to my pain meds... i'm not sure what is going on... all i know is that if i go to the meeting tonight and they say i've gained that much weight i am going to freak out probably.... i mean, i really don't understand.... i guess if i have then i will just have to really work out to get it off.... and really watch what i eat, even more closely i guess.... but, all i can do is work to get it off and keep it off...
it's monday and i'm not in a bad mood, just an indifferent mood... kinda, ah, blah... my head and back are really hurting today.... right now anyways... i'm really looking forward to my appointment with dr. bob tomorrow... hopefully he can shed some light on what's going on with me.... i've got a whole list of stuff i would like to talk to him about.... i really am trying to stay positive today though... we'll just have to wait and see what happens at the meeting tonight.... keep your fingers crossed for me...

Finally Friday!!

it's finally friday!! i am so glad!! i can't wait until 5:00 today!! i'm so ready for the weekend... so is my back and head!! there hasn't been much going on.... just tired and trying to take it easy.... not hurt the back anymore than it's already hurting... i don't know much.... hopefully the day will go by fast!!

Time Out

today was a rough day at work... i woke up this morning with a huge sinus headache any my back was hurting... i took a pain pill and some sinus medicine and it might have helped a little bit, not much though... i have noticed lately that my pain pills make me really edgy and very quick to get mad... i was fuming mad all day long today... over stupid stuff... i got so mad and so upset that i asked if i could leave early... i left about 2:45.... i guess today i realized what kind of an impact these pills really have on me... i don't care who you were today while i was at work, you could do nothing right... one little irritation turned into another and another and they just kept building... talk about high blood pressure... so my pain pills make me really edgy and nervous... kinda like speed... um, don't really like it... i feel like i always need to go, go, go... be doing something... but my back is still hurting, the pills help with the pain but they don't take it away, and i really don't feel like doing anything.... when i get home i take a xanax to help calm me down... it's like going from one extreme to another... now i know why when i was working at cingular and first at wichita metal that i was so easily irritated... the pills... it is all starting to make sense.... i hate the way i am/feel when i take my pain pills but without them, the pain is so bad... if the pain was bearable i wouldn't be messing with the pain pills... so now since i'm taking my pain pills i take xanax to help calm me down when i get home because i am wound up.... my patience level is way down!! that explains the road rage, the irritation in the stores, driving, screaming kids... things like that that drive me crazy.... and i've found that since i quit taking my pills i am not so easy to anger and it's easier for me to just let stuff roll off my back... i'm going to talk to the doctor next week about maybe trying something that might not affect me the way these are.... i really don't like me on the pills.... man, hindsight is well, in this case it's a learning tool.... i've discovered that me on pills and me off are two totally different people.... but i think i was on all those pills for so long i didn't realize that... that's crazy the way they completely changed me... but at least i finally figured it out... i talked to mom for over an hour this afternoon.... she can relate to where i'm coming from because of her chronic hip pain that she can't get under control.... i feel for her... on the bright side though, i feel much better now and am looking forward to going to the doctor next tuesday to see what we can do to make this whole situation better... more later though...

33.5

last night was my weigh in and much to my surprise i lost 1.5lbs! i was just hoping i didn't gain.... i am happy!! now if i can lose 1.5lbs this week i will get another 5lb. star!! yeah!! r and i are going to start walking again tonight... i just needed a break from it.... now that i've had my break i feel much better, ready to tackle it full force again!!

Ick

so, today is monday and i am not a happy camper.... why? don't know... maybe because it's monday... my back is still hurting, i'm still on my ., and i get to go weigh in tonight.... not sure how the weigh in is going to go.... we'll just have to wait and see.... my back, it didn't hurt as bad friday as it did this weekend or now.... i need to call dr. herren i guess... go see him.... i've also got to call dr. lamar... see what we can do about me having my . all the time... i am tired of that! i guess i'm just in a generally foul mood this morning... it was a short weekend... i don't think i realized that today was monday until last night... or maybe subconsciously i did and that's why i wasn't too happy yesterday.... who knows, my guess, it's a combination of everything! we had a good weekend though... saturday i went up to k's office and filed extensions for them... saturday night we went to eat at bill's catfish up in waurika, ok.... it was so good!!! yesterday we just hung around the house and then went to mom and dad's for dinner.... dinner was so good!! that's about it.... i'm ready for the weekend though.... maybe i can get out of the foul funk that i've managed to let myself slide into... time will tell....

Come On

well, it's still friday.... i have done everything that i have to do today except bill out and it just drives me nuts to just be sitting here... doing nothing.... i have a ton of stuff that i could do, just not while i'm at work.... that frustrates me to no end... that's ok though.... i've been trying to stay calm and not get angry but the longer the day just drags on and i just sit here the more unhappy i get... to me it's just stupid b.s.... but, no one asked me... anyways, i just wanted to vent and see if that would help me stay calm....

Good Friday

today is good friday.... in all senses... i am so glad it's friday.... we're working... i'm hoping that we might get off early but, who knows... guess we'll just have to wait and see... my back is feeling better today! i'm happy about that! i really don't have anything to do except bill out... i worked as if we were going to be off today... that's ok though.... after i get off work today and tomorrow i'm going to go over to k's and help them out with extensions... that will be fun, i'm looking forward to it....
on a different note, beavers called r last night about an opportunity for us... it's sounding really good so far!! i know that if it's meant to be it will all work out though! i really hope it does! besides that, there really isn't anything going on.... just waiting to bill out! hopefully it won't be 4:00 this afternoon when i finally get to work on it!!

When It Rains...

you know how the saying goes, when it rains it pours... it's not exactly pouring over here but it is stormy.... today is day # 3 of the back pain, another morning starting with a pain pill.... i went to the chiropractor last night after work and she basically told me that the traction bed was not the reason my back was hurting.... like i said, i don't know if it is or not but that's the only thing i can think of.... i'm going to give my back over the weekend to see if it gets any better and if not then i'm going to call my back doctor... needless to say, r isn't excited to hear that my back is hurting again.... neither am i am... i'm not mad, getting mad isn't going to do me or my back any good... just trying to take it all in stride... oh yeah, i started my . again yesterday.... on for 4 weeks, off for 1 week, back on.... we'll have to see how that goes....
on a good note though, wheels america called r about my rims... one of them they can and have fixed and is on it's way back home but the other one is unable to be fixed... the guy at wheels america is looking for a different rim.... he said we could buy a new one and then have it chromed but that's almost $350.... we'll just have to see what happens.... he said he can usually find a rim.... he only started looking this morning....
i'm off to work... we still don't know if we're working tomorrow or not... if we're not them i'm going to go to k's work and file extensions for them.... they're just a little covered up.... until later....

Ouch continued

well, it's wednesday! we still don't know if we are working friday or not.. right now we're preparing as if we are going to be closed but we will just wait and see.... my back is still hurting me!! it hurt all day yesterday, last night, and is still hurting... it has been hurting constantly since yesterday morning.... it hurt to bend over this morning to put my jeans on!! i think i figured out why though.... monday when i went to the chiropractor she put me on the traction bed... she does this every time i go in but you only stay on the bed for 2 minutes... she was busy with a patient and her assistant was busy so i was on the traction bed for at least 5 minutes... dr. c said that every 2 minutes on there is equal to about 45 minutes of intense exercise for your spine/back.... i'm not 100% sure that this is what caused my back pain but it's the only thing i can think of.... my muscles, i think that's what's hurting, are so sore... but there is pain too.... the pain bothers me because it's in the same place where my back originally started hurting.... i'm hoping it will go away though... keep your fingers crossed it does.... it hurts to do anything really..... i had to take another pain pill this morning.... it's that bad right now...
last night r and i cooked dinner.... we had portabella mushroom chicken fajitas.... so yummy!! and very low in points!! we cooked dinner sunday night too... we had santa fe chicken quesadillas... once again, very yummy! i told r last night, it's not bad cooking when you help me out... i'm just so slow in the kitchen... we've been doing really good, i'm proud of us!! now if i could just get back on the exercise bandwagon.... r and i were going to walk last night but my back was bothering me so much we didn't.... i need to get back into my new cookbook and pull a few more recipes for us to try... anywho, i'm off to work on payroll and then pay bills.... more later...

Ouch!

i went and weighed last night... i lost 1.5lbs... pretty good... i've now lost a total of 32lbs!! yeah!!! i'm pretty happy with myself!! r and i got all the ebay stuff he sold packed up last night and then he shipped it this morning on the way to work... my wheels also got shipped out... they'll call r and then he can pay for them!! soon i should be getting my new wheels on my car! that is so exciting!!!
on to my ouch... this morning when i woke up my back was hurting! bad!! this is the first time i've woken up with back pain in a long time... almost a year... i'm not sure what happened... i haven't done anything out of the ordinary lately... not in the past couple of days to make it start hurting like it is... i did a few stretches before i showered this morning to see if that would help... it didn't... before i left the house i took a pain pill.. that is the first one that i've had to take in a long time! that's ok though, that's what i have them for... i'm not going to beat myself up for having to take one when i really am in pain... let's hope the back pain goes away! i'm not sure if we're working friday or not but i am acting like we're going to be off work so i'm trying to get everything wrapped up.... it would be nice to have a long weekend!!

I'm Back

it's monday again and i don't seem to mind as much this week.... i think it may be a short week because of good friday and i really hope so!! r and i had a good productive weekend.... the tree that got hit by lightning that we thought was dead actually turned out to be alive, it just took it a little longer to start blooming than the other trees.... i went out saturday and starting hacking on one of the limbs and looked up and was like, huh, there are leaves on the tree... wonder if it's still alive... so i finished cutting off the limb i was working on and stopped.... daddy drove by and looked at the tree, it's still alive so now we can decide if we want to keep it or go ahead and get rid of it... we'll just have to see what happens.... i cleaned the house and my car up saturday... sunday we walked... cleaned the outside of my car again, there is a limb over my car that i am wanting to cut down, the birds love that limb!!! so i went back to the carwash... no biggie.... it sure does seem like we did more than that this weekend... oh well... tonight i go weigh... and i am actually going to go... the past couple of weeks i haven't been feeling too good on mondays but not today.... i am in a really good mood!! if this is a short week it will go by so much faster!!! the only downer is that my ipod got turned on in my purse and now the battery is dead... that's ok though... i can survive!! besides that, everything is good!! i called this morning on shipping 2 of my rims off to get them balanced... they faxed me ups shipping labels with the postage already paid.... wow, impressive! seems like this is going well!! so i think we're going to get my rims shipped off tomorrow.... yeah!!! then i can get my tires and get my wheels on my car!! i am so excited about that!! i'm still busy at work.... just because the end of the year is over doesn't mean that i've slowed down any... that's ok though, it makes the day go by faster!! that's about it for now.... hopefully i'll get a chance tomorrow to blog and let you know how the weigh in goes tonight... it was looking good this morning!!! keep your fingers crossed!!

Time Warp?

ever since the time change, i know, a whole 4 days ago, i have been in some sort of time warp i think... but it's only in the mornings... it's the weirdest thing!! i've been getting up at the same time as i was before the time change... i haven't changed my schedule at all... i mean, it varies daily but not by much... maybe what i eat for breakfast... when i put my clothes on... but that's it... somehow i have been losing 5 to 15 minutes each morning... 5 minutes not such a big deal but once it gets to 10 minutes or more... well, that kinda speeds me up or i wear my hair in a "ponytail"... if you can call it that... it's more of a nub of hair than a ponytail... the ponytail is maybe 1" long... i've been thinking about having the back of my hair cut off anyways... leaving the front long and cutting the back... the back seems to grow really fast anyways... enough about the hair though... this time warp... i have no idea where the time goes or anything! it's nuts! i thought maybe monday morning i was just up a few minutes late... i've been checking and well, not by my clocks anyways! i don't know what's going on... i've been working on this blog for about 2 hours now... work is nuts and the end of the year is over!! i've gotta run!! more later!!

???

it's monday and i am not excited about it at all... all day yesterday after i realized that today was monday i've been dreading it... i usually don't dread work this bad but after the past 2 weeks i am... i have no idea what type of mood my boss will be in.... i don't think i lost this week... in fact, it's like i almost know i gained.... i was doing really good until saturday night... i went nuts... when we got home from eating with r's dad and his dad's girlfriend i was so sick... i threw up and up until there was nothing left.... i'm trying so hard not to be down today.... but yeah, so far it isn't working... i feel like i could just bust out into tears at any given second... it could be my hormones, considering this is week #4 of my period.... i tried to talk to r this morning and see if he could put me in a good mood but he was pretty much in the same mood i'm in... blah and not wanting it to be monday... that's ok, easter is coming up and hopefully that means that we'll have a short week coming up... either next week or the week after.... last week was really bad and the next week before wasn't too much better... when i left work on friday i was bawling... and my boss was out of town... i just hope he's in a better mood this week than he has been.... his mood has been foul.... yesterday r and i did the yard work and we noticed that the tree that got hit by lightning last year is dead... so now we get to cut down the tree... there is so much stuff that i need to be doing instead of being here... i feel bad today... it's my allergies/sinuses... it feels like i have about 20lbs of snot in my head... i can't get this funky taste out of my mouth and i've brushed my teeth about 6 times already today... anywho, enough griping... i'm going to get started on my stuff.... keep your fingers crossed that the day gets better!

frustrated

i am very frustrated right now and thought i'd trying blogging my frustrations and then let them go... it's so very difficult to do your job when you are not given all of the tools or information that you need.... for example, i am in charge of the workers comp claims and we have to submit a claim form to Odyssey within 24 hours of the accident.... either last friday or this weekend one of our drivers fell off his semi and hurt himself.... the hospital called today asking for information... the hospital calling was the first time i'd heard about it.... i asked my co-worker about it and he said, yeah, i knew about it... not much but he still knew about it... i have absolutely no info to fill out the form with so i'm pretty much just leaving the whole thing blank... i know Odyssey will not be happy with this but, what am i supposed to do? make something up? earlier today one of our other drivers called and asked to talk to my co-worker.... he was in the bathroom so i told him i would have him call him right back.... i told my co-worker to call him back, that he needed to talk to him and it was important.... what does my co-worker do? goes in there and gets on the phone with other people, not the truck driver.... about 5 minutes later the driver calls back and asked me, did you give him the message? yes, i did... but obviously my messages, either coming to or coming from, are not important... my co-worker rarely responds to the messages that i leave him, if someone really needs to talk to him or whatever... he just does his own thing and forgets everything else... i do not ever get any of my messages, thank you, i really do appreciate that. it's just so frustrating when i feel like i'm being shut out up here.... i can't do my job the way it needs to be done if there is no communication... if you don't want to talk to me, write me a note, send me an email.... you don't actually have to converse with me... he came over to my desk a minute ago and said he needed to go run some errands since he won't have time tomorrow... personal and church errands i might add.... if i need to go to the store i go on my lunch break.... then he proceeded to make a big deal out of having to go to the post office to get 2cent stamps.... i don't need them and i already gave you all of the ones that i had left...
also, i have had my . for 3 weeks now, sunday will "officially" make it a month long... i called the doctor yesterday and left a message... the nurse called me back at 4:50 yesterday and said she would call me back after she talked to the doctor.... still no word.... excellent! thank you so much!! i love having my . for weeks! i love not being able to do my job at work! i love not having information given to me! i love being left out of the loop! i don't care about the "loop" regarding personal lives or whatever, just what i need to do my job.... ok.... i got my frustrations out... i'm going to try to let them go now.... come on peace and love.... positive thinking!

Good!

much to my surprise i am still in a good mood this morning! today is r's 32nd birthday! he doesn't seem overly excited about it but, that's ok, i totally understand... it seems like his side of the family was never real big on birthdays, at least not in the recent past... we're going to go eat with his dad and girlfriend and then my parents this weekend.... that'll be good... i just need to watch my points! eating out twice!! last night r and i had a big talk... nothing bad just something i've been thinking about... it's a big decision to make but we'll just have to see what happens... i do know that whatever happens and when and how it happens is already taken care of and under control... not totally our control but it'll all work itself out! there's just so much to it! anywho, i hope that today goes by fast... i'm ready for friday!!

good

everything is so good right now... i am so happy and couldn't be happier... communciation has been really good between r and i lately.... don't get me wrong, i've had an attitude, so has he, but at least we're able to talk it out and let each other really know how we're feeling without the other one getting mad... that's really been good lately... sometimes i like to clam up about what's wrong and he has to pry it out of me which just makes me even more mad or irritated.... things have just been good lately... i've lost 30lbs!!!! i've been really tired lately but i think it's the exercise and the fact that i've been busy at work.... everytime i get on here (while i'm at work) to blog or to myspace account i get covered up again! this friday is the end of our fiscal year so it's to be expected... last week was hectic too but next week will slow down for me... my "big" part will be over and done with! well, i'm tired and off to bed!

30.5 and counting

i went and weighed in last night... didn't stay for the meeting because i wasn't feeling good but i'm glad i went and weighed in.... i lost 5lbs! my total weight loss is 30.5lbs now! i am so proud of myself and i feel so much better since i started losing weight!! i think i am doing a really good job!! also, in losing 5lbs this week i have met another one of my own personal goals!! that makes me feel even better!!
it was an ok weekend... i was pretty much not happy with r all weekend long but it's all ok now... long story short, he was trying to say that i was the one who hasn't been thinking lately but on sunday he realized.... it's no biggie, it's just one of those things! his 32nd birthday is thursday... he's closing so i know we won't be doing anything that night.... i have no idea what we're going to be doing this weekend either... his dad called yesterday to see what we had going on.... i just hope it's not a stressful birthday! besides that, there hasn't really been anything going on... just working.... waiting on this week to end so that our end of the year will be over with up here at work!

Checking In

i just thought i'd blog for a minute before i start working... i've been pretty busy this past week... next friday is our end of the year and i've got some stuff i need to take care of... next week should be back to normal for me though, hopefully!! being busy does make the days go by fast though! there hasn't been much going on... i've been walking and tonight i'm going to the store and then cleaning the house, i know, everyone is so jealous because i'm having all the fun... sorry guys, not everyone is as lucky as i am... hehe!! r's birthday is next thursday, he'll be 32! anywho, i guess i am out for now, off to work... if anything exciting happens i'll be sure to blog it!

25.5

i went and weighed in last night... i didn't stay for the meeting but i did weigh... i lost 3.5lbs!!! now i have lost a total of 25.5lbs!!! i am really proud of myself!! the walking did pay off... and it really wasn't that bad, as long as i had my ipod on... it kept me from getting really irritated! one of my friends is doing the metabolic diet... she has lost 48lbs and looks SO good!! i am so proud of her!! metabolic is expensive and it doesn't teach you how to eat better... from my understanding she basically lives off of chicken breasts and salad.... i don't know if i could do that... i like weight watchers though because i am learning to make healthier choices.... anyways, she looks really good though!
r and i watched jarhead last week... i heard it wasn't that good but i really liked it! i thought it was a good movie... it's only the second war movie i've ever seen though... i recommend seeing it for yourself though!
besides that not much has been going on... i think yesterday might have been national "take your frustrations out on me day" but that's ok, it's over and done with! today has been an excellent day so far!! i guess i'd better get to work on my end-of-the-year stuff... more later!!

Amazing!

wow... this is amazing!!! i so want to teach the kitties to do this!!
Moscow Cats Theatre

Compliment

i was working on payroll today and one of our "men" (that's what the boss calls all the guys up here) walked in... he is a really nice guy... anyways, he came in and asked for roscoe and then immediately said, are you losing weight? (i was sitting down too!!) i said yeah, i've lost 23lbs so far... he said, wow! you look really good!!! i was so impressed that he could tell... while i was sitting down! YEAH!!! i forgot how good an unexpected compliment can make you feel!! i told steven, you should come over here more often!! that was so nice and it made me feel so good!! now i'm really walking tonight!! thank you!!

whew!

it's been a little since i really blogged.... where to start... i guess with my weigh in monday night... so i didn't lose this week... i gained half a lb. though... for some reason i was really ok with it though... it didn't upset me, i didn't get mad or angry... that kinda bothers me... am i ok with gaining weight? no, but i know it is just half a lb. so there is no reason to get upset! if i had gained more than that though i really think it would have bothered me... i only have 2lbs to lose now to get another 5lb. star though! that is my goal for this week... lose 2lbs! i only walked once last week and didn't really feel like doing much else... i was planning on walking last night but that didn't pan out... tonight though, 2 miles! for sure!! come hell or high water!! um, what else... work is going good... i'm not talking to my co-worker unless it is work related... that might be mean but that's working for me right now... i really don't have anything to say to him that isn't work related... and i really don't care to hear his stories either... so unless it's about work i just turn the ipod back on or go back to whatever it was that i was doing... i've just had enough of him... i have been really tired lately, i could sleep and sleep (maybe!).... r and i are talking about getting a new bed... i think that may be the reason that i haven't been sleeping very well lately... i could be tired because i didn't work out last week but... maybe it's the bed... tomorrow after work i'm going to get a facial and a massage! i can't wait... i'm hoping the massage will help destress my neck and maybe my headaches will go away... i don't know if it's stress or my neck being crazy that's causing the headaches, or a little of both.. my chiropractor is out of town until next week though... hopefully the massage will help!! actually, i know it will help!!! things seem to be good here! just working and waiting on the weekend!!!

Monday (Again!)

well, it's monday again.... r and i had a very productive weekend... sunday anyways... saturday night we went out to eat and then yesterday we were productive! i got the house cleaned (good too!!) and he got the couch and oven off of the back porch... the porch looks so much better now!! i am so glad that both of those things are gone now!!! i am really tired for some reason today.... we went to bed early last night, i am just worn out though... that's how i was last week though, i was tired all week long! my goal this week is to exercise... i only walked once last week and that's not very good! i just didn't feel very good after we walked tuesday night... everything is good here though.... i go weigh in tonight and am kinda scared about that but, we'll just have to see what happens! more later if i don't fall asleep!!

Pandas

it is already wednesday! i can't believe it, last night i was thinking today was tuesday! that's always a nice suprise!! the past couple of days up here at work i've been checking out panda bears! i love them!! they are too cute!!! i have no idea if anyone is interested in pandas or not but i think they're precious!!! did you know that pandas can swim? i didn't, until today anyways! anyways, i just wanted to share my love of the pandas.... (the chinese named the panda the great bear-cat! maybe that has something to do with why i love them so much!!)

10%

so last night was my weigh in... i lost 3lbs!! i have reached my 10% goal and have surpassed it!!!! i have now lost a total of 23.5lbs!! i am so excited!!!! i only have 1.5lbs to lose now until i get another 5lb. star!! i am too pumped up about this!! i am really proud of myself!!

Jawbreaker

i have found my new favorite addiction... jawbreaker... it's a game on my pda... yes!!! i am so glad that k explained to me how to play, i love it!!!! jawbreaker=addiction!!! yes!!!!!

Foul

last week i think it was safe to say i was pretty much in a foul mood all week long... it seems that maybe my mood has carried over into this week... at least today anyways... i received a few emails this morning that should have helped get me out of the foulness, i know it is a choice and i have the power to chose to stay in a foul mood or get out of it...

IT IS MY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY TO INVITE ONLY POSITIVE EMOTIONS INTO MY LIFE.... NOW AND ALWAYS.....

right now, well, i don't know... i go weigh in tonight and don't really care about that... all i need is to lose 1.5lbs to get my 10% pin and up until yesterday i knew i had that taken care of... i didn't really care last week when i found out i had lost 3.5lbs either... it didn't make me in a better mood or anything... i got a lot accomplished yesterday, kinda got drunk, by myself.... yesterday i finished off my broccoli beef from hunan's... then i told r that i wanted to go to sonic and get a hamburger, ok, cheeseburger with bacon, AND a blast.... so you know what, we went and i ate my sonic bacon cheeseburger and my blast! 15 points for the blast and 18 for the burger... guess what, i don't really care... i know, bad attitude... but, once again, um, don't really care... r told me this morning to just get out of my funk and to just let it go... i said, what if you don't know what it is... his reply, just let it go... am i working on that? i don't know... i just kinda seem to be content where i'm at now... even though i'm not happy.... and pretty much angry all the time... does it make sense? no... do i really care? not at this time, no.... so the foulness continues....

(this kinda bothers me because this is how my mind-set was at cingular... i didn't care about anything.... then it got to the point where i didn't care about even going to work.... whatever though...)

Odd...

this morning started out a little hectic... i woke up 30 minutes late for work... no biggie, i was still here on time but i hate waking up late... i feel rushed all day long! plus, i am leaving at 2:15 for a doctor's appointment and probably won't be back today... not if the appointment goes how they normally go when i go to the female doctor... yuck! but at least it will be over with for another year!! that's the good side of it!! besides that there isn't really anything going on today... i say that but i mean there is always something going on...
so i get to work this morning and start checking my email... nothing unusual until i read something in one of my emails about a labyrinth.... labyrinths and mazes have always intrigued me so i went to the website listed in the email.... i found some pretty interesting info... the first thing i read on the webpage was, You have been led to this place. My hope is that you will discover something here that will surprise and truly delight you. ... very profound! that certainly caught my attention... i really had no idea what labryinths were all about until today... they're very fascinating....

The Labyrinth, like the goddess, are archetypical of the Sacred "Mother Earth" and her cycles of life/death/rebirth. Symbolically it represents the journey into the other world and the return - a death of one state and rebirth into another. Metaphorically speaking, we are all spiritual seekers, on the path together, looking for meaning and purpose for our lives. The Labyrinth provides a symbol that is also quite literal as it presents us with a real path upon which to walk together. It is meant to be viewed or walked as a form of centering or meditation, and in the process, the spirit finds healing and wholeness in its sacred space. "Walking to the center of the labyrinth someway helps us find the center of our own being. "A labyrinth...speaks to a long forgotten part of us. They offer a chance to take "time out" from our busy lives... It is "a gift we give to ourselves, leading to discovery, insight, peacefulness, happiness, connectedness, and well-being.