Monday, May 15, 2006
i haven't had very much to do at work today.... ok, i've basically been surfing all day long... i had a little bit of stuff to do but not very much... now i'm just trying to look busy.... seeing as how i had so much free time today i got on myspace.... i don't know what it is about that site but it makes me feel funny.... how, i don't know how exactly?!?! how does it make me feel? uncomfortable.... like, it just leaves me feeling funny inside... anxiety maybe?!?! yeah, a little bit.... i'll start searching for people and will find some and won't find others... i guess it brings back memories and that's where the anxiety comes from... it's not just one certain memory either... it makes me feel uneasy.... i guess maybe part of it comes from me... not exactly judging people but i'll be looking at their profile and ok fine, make a judgement about them, and then i find myself thinking, people probably look at my page and are like, loser!! she has nothing better to do than write about and mess with her kitties.... i don't know if it's all of part of something along these lines... all i know is that for some reason myspace makes me uncomfortable... it's all in my head too.... i'll be fine before but for instance, now.... i feel weird... like, i'm a no one... my life sucks and everyone else probably thinks so.... i don't feel that my life sucks... at least not now and not all the time.... yes, there are downer times and crap like that but it doesn't suck... and even if i said it does, it probably really doesn't, i'm just in a bad mood... if i was really unhappy i would work to change it... i'm working on myself physically and mentally now.... trying to fix what i'm not really fond of.... but why with the myspace bothering me?!?!?! i don't understand or get it... maybe i do and i'm subconsciously repressing it.... there is something on or around there that makes me anxious....(it's a good thing i'm not repeating myself!!!!) see, now i'm getting upset with myself for repeating myself... and for letting myspace make me feel like this.... i wish i could pinpoint exactly what it is... it's almost like a sadness.... i feel like there is a black hole inside me somewhere... all over a website?!?! see, this is what i'm talking about.... this is frustrating!!! maybe i just know that there are going to be people on there that i don't want to see and/or talk too and know that i may have to deal with them... i guess i just need to either stay off of there or figure out what the problem is and deal with it.... weirdo!!