Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Last night I went to the Y and participated in an “upbeat” water aerobics class… basically dare I say a “hip hop” class… I was worried about this for several reasons- 1) it’s been forever since I have swam, 2) um, I am so uncoordinated and I have absolutely no rhythm, 3) I had to wear a swimsuit (I ended up wearing a t-shirt over it- but hello, it was a white t-shirt and my top was black- not so smart!), 4) it was in a not-so-good part of town, and 5) I was going by myself and had absolutely no idea what to expect. Needless to say, I was all kinds of worried and stressed for no reason… there were only 4 other people there besides myself and they were all really nice… that was good… so now I am going to start going to the class on a regular basis… Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6… the guy teaching the class was really nice and said that they never have anything going on down there and I am welcome to use the indoor pool anytime, just call him and let him know and he’ll turn the heater on for me… YAY!!! So I’m thinking that while dc is gone I’ll just go swim… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss swimming, I love being in the water… it’s such good exercise and for me it’s very enjoyable!!! I guess you could say it’s like exercising without hating it, or exercising without really exercising, doing something fun!!! I’ve been looking for that type of exercise for a while!!!
So here’s to hoping that today will be a good day and dc and I will have another amazing weekend (since, once again, it’s his last weekend here)!!! Happy Weekend Wishes to all of you too!!!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
The holidays are usually a pretty emotional time for me but this year I am excited about them. I’m really excited about spending them with dc, who loves the holidays like I do, instead of with someone who doesn’t really care about them. For instance, this Thanksgiving was better than my past 8 have been. I wasn’t being pressured with “are you ready to go?”, “ can we leave now?”, “how long do we have to stay?”??? It was really nice to be able to relax and enjoy the time with my family.
That doesn’t help me with the way I’m feeling now though. I honestly feel like I can completely out of control, regarding my emotions anyways. Saturday dc and I were working and we had the radio on, it seems that every stupid song that came on brought tears to my eyes, and it was like all the songs were depressing too!!!! He told me last night that he’s leaving Monday and isn’t sure when he’s coming back… either Friday or Monday… of course we all know that my vote is for Friday… he said it depends on when his roommate is coming back… if he’s staying thru the weekend then dc will stay and they will work… if he’s coming back that weekend then dc will come back Friday… this really pisses me off end because his roommate is the one “helping” him to decide… I know, I know… selfish… it is very selfish of me but that’s the way I feel and I can’t help it… I really am working on and trying to be ok with all of this… with him “living” down there for about two weeks at a time but damn, he’s just killing me… getting used to him being here for a month at a time, then leaving again, just drains me… every time he leaves I feel like we’ve broken up because my life is the same as it was when he was here except he’s gone… I don’t get to go somewhere else and change up my routine…. once again, I’m being extremely selfish… I apologize for the majority of my posts being so negative and “all about dc” being gone and me being sad… I’m just really having a hard time with it and I feel bad talking about it because I know everyone gets tired of hearing it… so instead I just blog about it… it gets it out anyways…
I promise I really am trying to be positive and to stay positive but these damn emotions keep taking over and the negative just keeps on coming…
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
dc announced last night that he’s not going back until Monday now… he said that he had been thinking about it and decided that he wouldn’t leave on Friday, he’d stay til Monday. very nice!!! I’m glad he’s going to be here for the weekend, the weather is supposed to be beautiful, in the 70’s, and we’re going to go golf!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad he’s going to be here for the weekend, I hate weekends without him, but in a way he’s just prolonging the inevitable. Except he did say, you never know, I may just keep delaying going back and just not go back… don’t toy with my emotions like that!!! but, he knows how I feel and I can’t be the one to make that decision, he has to be. It will all work out though, this I know.
So there are three (weight loss, swimming, and dc staying longer) more things for me to be grateful for!!!
Monday, December 08, 2008
The kitties absolutely love boxes, especially the boxes that bottles of water come in… they are constantly playing or sleeping in them… Murphy loves being pulled around in a box so dc got the good idea to make them a sled out of a water box and some phone chargers that didn’t work. He cracks me up!!! So, here are the kitties in their sled… I suppose I should add that the sled has been repaired multiple times already… Mazzy likes to bite the charger cords…. She has an “old” one to play with that can chew up that won’t break anything but we apparently like to bite the one that is the handle to the sled…
And… as an added bonus, next week is my last full week to work this year!!! I only have 11 working days left this year after today!!! But it’s a good thing I’m not excited and I’m not counting down!!!!
I was invited to December’s wine night on Monday the 15th but I’m not sure if I’m going or not. dc and I joined the Y (YMCA) and are participating in the Holiday Trimmings special they are doing. It’s basically 6 weeks for $6 and you can use any of the three Y’s in town and take advantage of all the programs that they offer. They have a grand prize winner for the most weight lost and then first thru third place winners for men and women. You have to weigh in all 6 weeks to be eligible for the prizes (so I know for sure dc won’t be since he won’t be here next week to weigh) and I’m not sure if I will be either. The only day I don’t know if I’ll be able to weigh will be the 30th- it all depends on if we go skiing or what over my Christmas break. I’m excited though, we’ve been working out and playing racquetball. They also have an indoor pool that I’m going to take advantage of when he leaves. I know wine night is only one night but I really think that if I don’t continue to go after work on a regular basis I’ll end up “one nighting” myself to death and never go to the Y and work out.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
dc and I went and looked at Christmas lights last night. That is probably one of my most favorite things to do. I love looking at Christmas lights. We used to go look at lights together, years ago. I honestly don’t remember the last time I went to look at lights though. anyways, back to the point… the Christmas lights were disappointing this year… I don’t know if they have been the past few years but as of last night there were only a few people that had lights up (I say a few- a few compared to what I remember). We were talking and we don’t know if the economy is the reason or if people are just being Scroogey… the ex brought all my holiday decorations over about a month ago and they’re all sitting in the 2nd bedroom… the only problem is, I have no place to put anything… I’m debating on trying to put out a little bit of stuff or just not doing it… last year I didn’t have anything out either due to the move… I love decorating for Christmas though… so, decisions, decisions…
dc’s working and I just finished cleaning… I thought I’d stop by and blog for a minute before I go get in the shower… here’s to hoping his last weekend here is a good one!!
Friday, December 05, 2008
I don’t know if me getting so sad has something to do with the fact that dc’s leaving next Friday, the 12th, to go back to Corpus for about a week or what. (He’s mentioned several times in my gratitude list). And I know I have no reason to be sad about him leaving but ever since I found out earlier this week that he was leaving next Friday I have just obsessed over that. It’s driving me crazy. I’m driving myself crazy. He is still here for a week but I’m already thinking about him leaving (and yes, he’ll only be gone about a week) and I know that the week will fly by and it will all be ok but it seems that every time he leaves it gets harder and harder to say bye. Devastating is the word that comes to mind. I absolutely hate it when he’s gone. I just want to ask him, do you really have to go? Why can’t you just stay? I know I should be grateful for the time he’s here (because he’s here more than he is there) but damn it if I can’t be. We’ve been hanging out/dating for almost 8 months and I still feel like I did when our relationship was new. The whole, I can’t quit thinking about him all the time, I constantly want to be with him, how good he makes me feel, how I think I can’t possibly care about him anymore than I already do but somehow I manage to find myself caring more and more. Feeling all of these emotions makes me feel like a sad sap of a person. Is this normal or is there something just “wrong with me?” I would give anything for him to just move back. Bring everything back with him when he comes back for Christmas… even better would be him not leaving and over Christmas vacation going down there and packing all his stuff up and bringing it back. Like I keep saying, I know I can’t make this decision for him, he has to do it, but damn it, I hope he knows how much it hurts when he leaves. He did say that he was shooting for the first of the year as far as moving back goes because it’s really hard trying to work from Corpus and here. We’ll see. I don’t want to get my hopes up and get excited until I know for sure.
I just want out of this funk. After writing all of this, I’m thinking that my sadness could be caused by a multitude of different things right now, mainly the holidays and dc’s leaving though. I’m really having second thoughts about posting all of this… like I said, I just feel like such a sad sap because I guess it’s almost like I feel that my happiness is directly related to if dc is here or not... and I know that’s not the case, I’m just so much happier when he is here.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Ironically, after I published that I got an email which was very much needed…
Thankfulness comes from awareness gained by being completely Presence in the moment.
This presence leads to a deep Recognition of what we have and how precious it all is.
The realization of the precious nature of what we have leads to Honoring it.
Honoring it leads to being Gentle with what we have.
Being Thankful can be like walking a razor’s edge sometimes. I know I fail at times to be Present, to Recognize, to Honor and/or to be Gentle. We all have varying issues that cloud our ability to be thankful for any given thing from a job to a relationship. Sometimes, it takes effort to be thankful! It is fighting yourself, your inner demons, to choose and have happiness. The Spiritual Warrior doesn’t fight the world. The Spiritual Warrior fights those things within him or herself that prevent health and happiness.
Wishing you all a grand GivingThanks day. May you have fewer inner and outer battles this GivingThanks day!
Monday, November 17, 2008
I understand that people can’t hurt you unless you let them hurt you… that doesn’t make it any easier though. Someone that is supposed to be one of the people closest to me in my life has really hurt my feelings and it’s not something that has just happened once. There have been a few situations and I’ve tried to just let it all go and not worry about it but like I said, it doesn’t make it any easier. I suppose this is just one way of finding out who your true friends are; friends that will love you and accept you when you’re happy or sad, rich or poor, no matter what your situation or what choice you make in life. I thought that this person was a true friend but over the past few months I’m thinking that 1) I was wrong in that assumption or 2) maybe things have changed between us and that’s not the case now. I have decided that I’m not going to apologize for the choices that I’ve made and that if my “friends” can’t be happy for me finally being happy then maybe they’re not really my friends after all. I don’t understand why they can’t be happy for me, maybe they’re not happy in their lives and seeing me happy upsets them, maybe they liked me better when I was sad and miserable most of the time, I don’t know the reason and I really don’t understand but there’s nothing I can do about it except try to remove myself from the situation. I’m not going to stand around and let them pick on me and make me feel bad about myself especially when the decisions that I’m making are making me a happier person and they are good decisions for me. I can’t do that because it’s not fair to me. And as selfish as that sounds, I have learned that I have to take care of me. This has made me realize who my true friends are and it makes me so grateful for them.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
So I found out for sure that dc will be home Friday. We were talking last night and he made the comment that it is ridiculous that we miss each other so much and he said, I’ve got to figure something out. Hopefully that means he’s going to work on getting his butt back here asap!!
Friday, November 14, 2008
(This is where it gets bad!!) But, when I got home I was so hungry!!! I mean, starving (or so I thought)! I can only imagine that it was the wine I drank that made me think I was hungry but I had visions of a quarter pounder with cheese and fries dancing in my head… I changed clothes, washed my face, and got a bottle of water… dc was still working so I couldn't talk to him and I for the life of me could not get the image of McDonald’s out of my head… so, I gave in… I got in the car, drove to Mickey D’s, but when I got there I saw the line in the drive-thru and was so bummed out that it was so long. So I sat in the parking lot for a bit… yes, I did… I just sat there, hoping I guess that all the cars would be like, oh, we don’t want to be here, let’s just leave…. But instead of anyone leaving the line I left and went home. I was proud of myself for not giving into temptation but guess what is still dancing in my head?!?! If you just happened to guess a cheeseburger and fries you are a mind reader!!! Yes!!! Still!!! So, I have decided at lunch that I am going to get a cheeseburger and fries…. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of guilt I feel over this decision. Hello, it’s one meal?!?! It’s not like I’m committing to eating this for every single meal the rest of my life but I feel like I’m cheating!! And I keep telling myself, the only person I’m cheating is me, by not “rewarding” myself every once in a while. Before the sushi last night, I can’t remember the last time I actually ate something that wasn’t a Smart Ones or a frozen meal like that. If I don’t eat the burger and fries I’ll probably end up doing something really stupid later like eating a million burgers and fries… besides, one “bad” meal isn’t going to cause me to gain the 12.9lbs back that I’ve lost so far… (I weigh every morning and calculate my loss to that point but I only update the ticker on Wednesdays- why, I have no idea… maybe I’m scared I’ll constantly be adjusting it up and down)… I really like seeing the numbers on the scale go down and I think that if I eat bad today and they go up tomorrow, even just a little, I’ll freak out… we’ll see what happens… I almost had myself “talked into” going to Mickey D’s and it being ok, well, somewhat ok… now, I’m second guessing myself… all over one stupid cheeseburger and some fries….
(and to make it even worse, dc got a star for working out yesterday and I didn't. yes, this is his first star since he's been gone but still... so I ask you, WTH is wrong with me?)
So I went to McDonald’s for lunch… got my quarter pounder with cheese meal… and you know, it wasn’t that good… the fries weren’t what I was hoping they would be nor was the burger… In my mind I was expecting something quite different… on the way I told myself, ok, when you’re eating, eat slow, enjoy it, this is a treat. Don’t just inhale the food and then think, hhhmm, I wonder if that was good…
Maybe it was the fact that I actually paid attention to how it tasted (and it’s always been not that good) or maybe something inside of me changed (hopefully) and maybe after it not being so good I won’t crave it anymore… I really don’t know and I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing… I’m hoping that I can remember how not good it was though.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Last night I stopped by Target to get my fall themed gift and I was standing in line to check out- there were only like 2 registers open and both had long lines of people with buggies full of stuff… after standing there with my 2 items for what seemed like forever this lady in the line next to me said, m’am, why don’t you go in front of me, you only have 2 items. I try to do this on occasion just to be nice and it was really nice to have someone “return the favor”. That was a very nice thing for her to do. I thanked her several times, I hope she knows that I really appreciated that.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
On a side note- Friday I got some disturbing and not good news but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t going to blog about it and I’m not going to get into details but let’s just say that financially things have changed for me. It pisses me off to no end but like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m working to forget it the best I can. (The only reason I mention this is because this “event” was weighing heavy on my mind yesterday having to go to the dentist and not knowing how I was going to be able to pay for it. Luckily my mom is so freaking awesome and she “took care of it for me”. That made me cry, she has no idea how much that means to me, well, she does now, after I broke down in tears when she told me she had paid for it.)
One of our account reps and I have gotten to be friends… we talk when she comes in here and we text… she’s been inviting me to wine night with her and her friends for several months now and finally this Thursday I’m able to go! I’m really excited but at the same time really nervous since she is the only one that I will know but she is picking me up (she lives right around the corner). At least I won’t have to show up by myself. (I don’t know that I would!) Normally I wouldn’t do anything like this. Being married to my ex I became quite the socia-phobe!! Bad!!! Occasionally it would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to leave the house (and for a while didn’t). Since we are no longer together and dc and I are always going and doing being social has become quite a bit easier. I find myself falling back into my old patterns and habits- the way I was many years ago before I “hermited up”. Getting there Thursday night will be the battle but after that it will be fun!! Last night dc and I were talking and I was telling him the S had invited me to wine night and that I was going to go. This was our conversation:
dc: wait, did you say you were going to go?
Me: yes I am.
dc: really?? Do you know anyone else besides S?
dc: and you’re really going to go?
dc: good for you, I’m proud of you!! I know you’ll have fun!!
The only not-so-good part of wine night… I need to go get a bottle of wine and then she also said that they were having a Chinese Christmas with a fall themed gift (under $10) and if I wanted/could I could bring an appetizer or a small dish of some sort… normally I would be quite excited to do all this but it’s looking like wine night is going to cost me about $50 or $60 and that stresses me… oh well, it will be fun though.
I keep telling myself- focus on the positive, focus on the positive!! Think about what you want, not about what you do not want.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Kim blogged about this and it’s something that I’ve really been thinking about lately and it has been bothering me. Since I decided to really get serious and commit to losing weight I have become obsessed with food. Thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, what I would like to eat, what is the scale going to say when I do eat. Surely this can’t be healthy. I know I have to be conscious of what I eat but obsessing over it non-stop? Is there no happy medium? I was really worried that I would just start eating everything in sight when dc left but luckily that hasn’t happened, something inside me is using what little self-control I have.
As far as exercising, I’ve only worked out one day in November so far. That is not good. I have that free year membership but I can’t quite get myself to go. I brought my bag of workout clothes today so maybe after I leave the dentist I can convince myself to go. I’ve also got my yoga dvd that I love doing but can’t seem to make myself actually get up and do it. Where is my motivation?? And why does it seem so much harder to work out with dc here? When he’s here I’m the one motivating us to go. What changes? I don’t understand and it’s frustrating me!!
I got pictures of Brianna! YAY! I even took a video of her dancing but I didn’t realize that you can’t rotate a video (or if you can I don’t know how) so I’m going to have to redo that… (actually, it never occurred to me that I would have to rotate it anyways)… once again, sometimes I am so smart it scares me…
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
The past two weekends we’ve gone to Dallas and gone bowling at the 300 Dallas and then on to Dave & Buster’s (if you haven’t noticed we really like D&B’s). I have now officially scored my high score bowling, 127, which I have a picture of!! (please don’t “judge” the picture- the beer was going down way too smooth!)
At D&B’s we won Brian (the pink hippo) a sister, her name is Brianna. She is a (lighter color- think baby) pink hippo (and smaller) and has on a cheerleader outfit, too cute. I don’t have a picture of her yet but I will. I may even try to post a video of her “singing” and “dancing”, she is so cute when she dances. She shakes her little hips. dc and I had been joking for quite sometime that Brian has been telling us that he wants a sister so we went on a mission to win him a sister and we did. We have now accumulated over 30,000 tickets. I have no idea what we’re going to do with all of them, but right now we just plan to keep on accumulating them.
Momma and daddy were out of town the last week of October so dc and I borrowed Scrabble and Monopoly from them. We have had the best time playing games. That’s what we do at night (and on Sundays), play Scrabble and Monopoly. Up until Monday night I had lost every single game of Scrabble that we’ve played. My Scrabble skills are improving though, I finally won three games the other night!! I’ve been joking that while he’s gone I’m going to play by myself. We’ve only played one game of Monopoly, it continued over like 4 days though. It kept getting late and we would get tired so we would pack it up and continue on the next day. He ended up winning though, no surprise to me, I’ve never ever won a game of Monopoly in my life.
Here are Mazzy & Murphy "playing" Monopoly although before they discovered the box lid they were trying to eat the houses and the money-
(Yes, Murphy weighs 17.5 lbs- I don't know what to do though, they're both on low-fat food and they each get 1/2 cup a day, that's it. By the looks of things you would think I feed them non-stop!)
We’ve been working out although we took this week off since it is his last week here. (He was going to leave Wednesday, then it was Thursday, now it’s Friday, but I know he’s leaving Friday but only because his friend is flying into Houston to visit his uncle about business and then driving to Corpus for the weekend. If his friend wasn’t flying in I don’t think he would be going back.) So we took this week off but I finally did take a picture of our October workout calendar with the stars on it. We'll see how good our November calendar looks after we have a whole month to work on it! The working out/losing weight is going fairly well. So far I’ve lost 7.6lbs and he’s lost 9.4lbs. They say it’s easier for guys to lose weight than girls but I think right now my problem is my “visitor”; she’s getting ready to visit and I really honestly thinks that messes with my weight. We’re taking our measurements tonight too so we can see how we’re doing there.
I almost forgot, I entered a raffle for a year membership to CardioPlus and I won!! It’s open 24 hours and it’s right by the apartment. I haven’t gone by to check it out yet but I plan on doing that at the beginning of next week. I’m hoping they’ll have a yoga class or something!! I’m excited though and I can't wait to see what they have to offer!
And lastly, my face… man alive, what is the deal with my face. I switched birth control back in February to see if the new one would help with my pms- the emotional side of it. It has but I don’t know if it’s causing my face to break out horribly or what. (My face hasn’t been out of control since February though, only since sometime in the late summer.) The only other thing I can think of that has changed was the base I was using. I changed my base in the summer because dc and I were always outside and I was getting tan so I needed to change colors so I decided to go with an “all mineral” powder base. Saturday I went back to my “old” base though, hopefully that will help because I’ve even gone to the doctor and she gave me a topical stuff to put on my face to try and that’s so not helping either. And it’s not like my “situations” are just small, oh hell no, they’re these large nasty pus filled things. They are SO gross!!! I mean, nasty!!! (Sorry for being so nasty and descriptive). Since the topical stuff isn’t working I’ve got all my hope in the old base, maybe that will do the trick. If not I guess I will call the doctor about my not-so-new birth control or go to the dermatologist.
Here's a picture of dc that I took on Friday afternoon. He had to go to a funeral and he was all dressed up so I couldn't resist taking a picture of him looking so cute!!
So that’s what’s been going on in my corner of the world. Maybe next time I won't wait so long to post so that my blog won't be 10 million pages long.
Friday, October 24, 2008
So, now that he knows my measurements and what I weigh I do have to do something to make this better. lol I fought tooth and nail to not have to tell him what I weigh but I gave in. He said, it’s not like me knowing exactly what you weigh is going to change anything between us. He’s such a sweetie and he’s so good to me. It’s so nice to have someone support you in your decisions and not have to go at it alone.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Fast forward to last night… I get a picture message from one of my friends and for the life of me I can’t figure out what in the hell it’s a picture of… I’m turning the phone all kinds of sideways, up and down, no luck…
So this morning I text him back and ask him where are you?
him: do you really have to ask?
me: um, yeah…
him: I was at the Alamo…
me: oh! That’s what that was!!! I thought it was a profile of some guy and spent forever trying to figure out who it was… duh!!!
Sometimes I really wonder about me… does anyone else have this problem… or am I just so special in my own ways???
Thursday, October 02, 2008
This weekend his parents are going down to see him. It’s also our Autumn Harvest Moon Dinner (Knight of Columbus “thing” that my boss is really active with) at work. Last year at the dinner I won the Grand Prize which was a $750 gift certificate to United (grocery store) AND a $750 gift certificate to Walmart! Woohoo!!! I just wish dc was going to be here to go with me. That’s ok, he’ll be back Tuesday or Wednesday, hopefully Tuesday.
His birthday is Friday the 10th. Last weekend in Waco he decided that he would like to go to Vegas for his birthday. He said that if I could get off work he would pay for everything… SO… I’m off work the 13th and the 14th and we’ll be in Vegas the 11th thru the 14th!! I am so excited!!! I have never been to Vegas before and I can’t wait!!! He’s been once so we’re both really excited to go!!! I’m so excited, we’re staying at the Venetian (in a luxury suite-omg!!! I have never been exposed to anything so nice before- how sad is that?!?)!!! I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of pictures I’m probably going to take seeing as how I can’t seem to take enough pictures of places around here, lol. Momma is “kitty-sitting” her grandkitties while we’re gone… she’s so sweet!! I don’t know what I would have done lately without her watching her grandkitties while I roam all over the place.
I know I’ve only said this about a million times but it’s so nice to be happy, I could really get used to being happy all the time!!! It's not the "material" things or the places we go that make me so happy, it's just being with him. He is a truly amazing person. (I only wish he didn't live 8 hours away!) Things are good though and I couldn’t be happier.
(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, on the way home I got a speeding ticket, 81 in a 55, ouch. I need to call on it to see how much it's going to be.)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
In case you’ve been doing some math and you’re wondering what we did with the rest of the tickets, we bought a coffee maker for my apartment, a coffee mug, a shot glass, another glass, and we still have over 500 tickets left… whew!!! Dave and Buster’s is awesome; I can’t wait to go back!!!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
When dc first started talking about moving I was ok with it… I mean, not ok with it like I’m really ok with you moving 8 hours away but I’m ok with it because I understand that this is something that you’ve wanted to do for a long time and I don’t want you to end up resenting me because you didn’t go. It hurt (a lot) and I cried (a lot) and somehow seemed to lose sight of that perspective.
Momma’s reply to me was: I know you hate to see dc leave but you said he'd wanted to leave here for a long time. If he doesn't do it now and see if that's what he wants, he may never be happy. The new may wear off in a short time and he may move back but he'll always wonder if he doesn't take the chance now. He'll be back for a visit soon and who knows how long he'll decide to stay there at all. Maybe you can find something to get involved in to help pass the time.
After I cried, yes, I know, cried, I emailed her back and told her thank you; that was exactly what I needed to hear. She’s so right and now thinking back I’m disappointed in myself for losing sight of this but at the same time I’m grateful that she was able to help me shift my mindset and get me back to there. I have absolutely no idea where I would be right now without my family and my friends. I only hope they know how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate and love them.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I’ve spent most of my morning reading True Confessions- Body, Mom, & Office. Here are a few of my confessions for today:
- I know others have it worse than I do but I just can’t seem to shake the funk right now.
- I haven’t been thinking about dc leaving and going back “home” but now that he’s leaving Wednesday I am getting so depressed. The tears have already started. I don’t know why he had to move.
- I have quit taking all my prescription meds- except my birth control. I’ve been so moody and emotional lately it’s driving me crazy, ironic isn’t it? I read that it can take up to a month for your body to get back to “normal” after you quit taking meds... it hasn’t been a month yet but I’m still waiting.
- I’m letting the “little stuff” get to me. I think this has to do with quitting the meds and dc leaving too. I can’t read, watch, or hear anything even semi-emotional without tearing up.
I want to write a book. I love to read and my whole life I’ve always wanted to write a book. I don’t know how or where to begin.
Happiness and suffering come from your own mind, not from outside. Your own mind is the cause of happiness; your own mind is the cause of suffering. To obtain happiness and pacify suffering, you have to work within your own mind.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
(On the good side, dc brought -almost- everything but his sleeping bag back with him when he came down. His roommate is packing up the rest of the "important" stuff to bring back. It's almost like it's a "sign" he should just stay here.)
(Update: dc just emailed me and said that the he talked to his roommate and that the water is already above their lowest deck and that the road surrounding the island is already flooding. I just read that WF is in an extended flood watch. We haven't even recovered from the flood a month ago and from my understanding this isn't part of Ike. 09/10 @ 2:10pm)
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Monday, September 08, 2008
For the past several months I have been so happy, happier than I have been in years. And it’s not just me that’s noticed. People that I don’t even know that well have made comments to me about it. I have mixed feelings about this. Was that I that unhappy that it was so obvious (to everyone) or now that I’m happy is it so obvious that I was unhappy? Does that even make any sense- is it the same thing? I’m hoping that it’s the fact that now that I’m so happy it’s obvious that I was so unhappy. I would hate to think that everyone was able to see that I was so unhappy for so long, especially since it took me a long time to accept the fact that I really was unhappy and that I needed to make a change. Needless to say, I suppose that none of that matters now because I am happy. I have made changes in my life for the better and for my happiness.
dc came into town early. I got back from Corpus on Monday the 25th and he was supposed to be here Friday the 29th. He ended up coming in Thursday. Only one day difference but I’ll take it any time! Originally he was supposed to be leaving today but he told me last Thursday morning that he wasn’t leaving today. I finally had the heart to ask him yesterday when he was going back “home”. He said he’s thinking next Monday (never would be fine with me, I think he should just move back here).
We decided that we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas “break”. Our Christmas vacation will be a long one this year too. We’ll work the 23rd and then not have to come back until 5th!!! Way too awesome!!! We’re going skiing in Breckenridge so that we can ski Vail and another place too (only I can’t remember the 3rd place). I’m really excited. Our weight loss isn’t going so swell but it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he is an amazing cook and is showing me how to navigate the kitchen. I know for a fact that I haven’t met anyone who can cook like dc can. We did buy a grill for my apartment though so hopefully we can try to cook a little healthier. I am inspired by Ilax and her weight loss though!! I need to follow her example!!!
On Labor Day we went bowling. I took a bowling class in college and never managed to break 100. Needless to say, in 2 different games I broke 100!!! I was so excited!!!
Saturday we went golfing in Muenster. They have the most beautiful golf course; hills, water, trees, everything that our golf courses in town don’t have. Everyone playing Saturday was playing so slow so I golfed a bit. I am currently learning how to putt. I suck pretty good at golf but it’s still fun and I love that dc is trying to teach me how to play. He doesn’t get frustrated and I don’t get embarrassed around him (that I suck). He’s a very good teacher.
(I do have pictures of my bowling scores and our golf trip to Muenster but I just can’t seem to remember to get the usb cord from dc so I can put them on the computer.)
Yesterday was a lazy Sunday. The only time I left the apartment was to go to get ice cream- I know, I know, once again, I wonder why we can’t lose weight. We watched 3 football games and the race. The Cowboys played an excellent game and Carl raced a good race.
I’m excited to see what this week has in store though. Life just keeps getting better and better.
We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.
— Anne Frank
Friday, September 05, 2008
I'm looking at Perry like I have manifested a new car! What I've been wanting! See, good things are on their way!! To me this is just another sign that I am where I need to be and want to be, that I am on the right track.
Update: I just called the dealership and my car isn't ready yet. Not a problem though. I would rather them take their time, do everything right, and get everything taken care of before I get down there. The salesman is supposed to call me back this afternoon to let me know what's going on and where we stand. Everything happens for a reason and when it's supposed to happen yes? Exactly what I thought.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
My trip to Corpus rocked!!! dc and I had so much fun!! I have lots of good pictures to share! We didn’t do too much- except eat anyways. I managed to gain 6 lbs from Thursday to Tuesday morning when I weighed. Needless to say, we’ve talked about it and we’re both working on lifestyle changes as far as our eating habits are concerned. We have a bet going. We each have a certain amount of weight we want to lose so we have given ourselves until my Christmas vacation to lose the weight. The loser pays for a trip somewhere. We’re not sure if we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas break or if we’re going to go somewhere else. We’re also setting 10 lb goals with rewards too. I’m really excited about this. dc and I are doing really good. It’s been really hard with him being in Corpus but it’s getting better. He’s on his way back right now so he will be here when I get off work and he will be here thru the 8th. YAY!! Things have been going really good for me. Normally when things are going really good I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not this time. I have decided to take a different approach mentally and see what happens. dc and I were joking around when I was visiting him- I made the comment about how well things were going and how happy I was and have been and he said, next thing you know you’ll break up with me because life just keeps getting better and you’re not used to that. So instead of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’m going excited to see what new and positive things are coming my way. I’ve worked on a list of goals that I want to accomplish, some of them are short term and some are more long term. After my trip, reading and catching up on what my blogger friends have been doing- and being super motivated by them, setting goals for myself, and from conversations with dc, I am really excited about my life, what is going for me, and what is coming up. I actually have a plan (somewhat anyways!) of action, I know what I need to do to make my life what I want it to be so now I just need to work on making it happen. So far so good. I finally feel like I am “in charge” of my life so to speak. I suppose that the divorce was empowering to me. It made me realize that I can make my life anything I want it to be so that’s what I’m doing. Honestly I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt so good and so happy. That everything in my world is right the way it is now. Right now this is where I should be.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
My blogging has become more and more infrequent… I’ve had a lot going on and have really been working on myself and trying to figure myself out… so far so good… so on that note I have 2 little tidbits to share today…
I got a letter from my lawyer yesterday that said Wednesday, August 28th at 4:00 we go to court and my divorce is final. YAY!!!
My plane flies out of Wichita at 6:05 tonight and lands in Corpus Christi at 10:35. There is a small layover at DFW but that’s ok. I’m going to see dc (David). My plane gets back Monday night at 9:04. I am so excited and I can’t wait. There is more to this story but I’ll share that another time.
Good things are going on and I hope they continue. I’m working on staying positive so that hopefully they will!!!
Monday, August 04, 2008
The past month or so I’ve been sleeping about 4 hours a night. Normally when I wake up and I’ve got at least two or more hours left to sleep and I can’t go back to sleep I get pissed. I lay there and get more and more mad so by the time my alarm goes off I have started the day in a super foul mood. Last week I decided that I would walk over to the fitness center in the apartment complex. So for 3 days last week I would find myself in the fitness center using the elliptical for 30 minutes at some crazy time of the morning when all the people in their right minds are still sleeping. At least I wasn’t already fuming mad when it was time for me to “get up”. Last night I actually slept. After tossing and turning for an hour I crashed. Finally. This morning when the alarm went off I was so tired the last thing I wanted to do was to get up but I did. I’m worn out now but hoping that I can get some sleep again tonight, it’s amazing how good sleep can make you feel.
So I’ve officially been in my apartment for a little over a month. The kitties have adjusted well. And they’ve been very good company. I picked up a final copy of our divorce decree last Thursday. So far so good. R and I are still talking and getting along. Things between us are weird for sure but there’s no hard feelings or bad blood. We’re both just taking care of what we need to take care of and trying to go from there. August 25th is the 60th day of our cooling off period. My attorney said he would schedule a court date and let me know when it is.
Last Sunday my car broke. And then I helped break it some more. Apparently somehow (and I have no idea how but I sure wish I knew!) I managed to put a hole in the oil pan and then proceeded to drive it with no oil in it. When daddy pulled the oil pan he noticed that the teeth from the cam gears were in the oil pan. Not a good sign at all. Right now I’m not sure what other damage I’ve done to the motor. It could be anything from just new cam gears to a whole new motor. Lovely. So now I’m car shopping.
Yesterday it was 107 outside and the air conditioner in my apartment decided to break down on me. Finally when it was 90 in the apartment I called the office and the maintenance guy came over. He rigged it up to work until he could get back over there today to fix it. All I know is that last night when I went to bed a little after 10 it was still 84 in there. Another lovely situation. At least this situation won’t cost me any money directly out of my pocket, not in repairs anyways.
As odd as this might sound, I know that this has been a rough patch for me but I do know with 100% certainty that it is for the best. Even though I’ve been down and haven’t been too overly optimistic, I do realize that I am already happier than I’ve been in a long time and that’s saying a lot. At least knowing (and feeling) that I’m on the right path to making me happier makes it easier to deal with everything.
On that note:
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." — Agnes Repplier
Sometimes, we can feel trapped by someone or a situation, but in reality we have created the situation ourselves by denying what we really want or who we really are.
Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Last night while I was reading the comments that were left by my blogger sisters, I realized why I hadn’t blogged about all of this. It hurts. Even though this is what I want and what will be best for both of us in the long run it still hurts, bad. I’ve been to see a counselor once, just to figure out if I was making the right decision. I’ve given this so much thought, ok, this whole thing has done nothing but consume me and eat at me for months now. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am ok with being divorced. I am ok with being alone. No matter what happens I will be ok. I’m still scared to death though. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes not. I just know that it’s time for me to work on me being happy. This is step one.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
There are so many issues I feel are causing problems in our relationship. He brought up a good point the other day. We were married in June 2003 and my back problems started in August 2003. The problem was finally fixed in August 2007 but I’m still not back to 100%. I don’t know if part of the problem we are having is us trying to have a normal relationship after all the back problems, you know, like finding a “routine” that works for both of us.
About a month before I gave him this letter, he “cornered” me one day and we had a “talk”. We needed to communicate more because we don’t communicate well and all our talks end up in fights. Then a month later I gave him the letter because what we talked about wasn’t working, nothing had changed. We can’t talk about anything serious with arguing. My guess would be 99.9% of the conversations we have end up with one of us getting mad. It’s really hard to communicate and try to work on things when this is happening.
Another of my hang-ups is the fact that we never go anywhere or do anything. It took me a long time to remember and realize that I used to go and do all the time. I was never at home, now I’m always at home and it’s driving me nuts. I hate it. Unfortunately, R is not good with the public, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything but when we do it’s always hectic.
The last issue to tackle is the restaurant and I don’t even want to go there right now.
So, here it is, most of my “dirty laundry” for everyone to see. These are some of the bigger problems that I feel R and I are battling. The reason I’ve been thinking of seeing a therapist is to find out why I’m acting and responding the way I am. I can sit back and pin-point exactly what I’m doing. I realize what I’m doing but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it or control it.
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
The truth is that we do not need pleasurable circumstances and events to evoke happiness with us. Happiness is within us at all times. Just as soon as we make the decision to be happy, regardless of our circumstances, it manifests.
No person, thing or circumstance controls our response to that person, thing or circumstance. We choose our own responses. We have complete control over our state of mind and happiness is a decision that we make between our ears.
“Knowing” that you are in complete and total control of your life, and that no one or no thing can have any control or influence over you without your permission puts you in the place of power.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
The only person who can ultimately change that opinion for you is you. If you don’t change your mind, your mind will not get changed.
The past few weeks my life has been filled with “signs”, things that appear because they are supposed to be there for me to see and they make me feel better and more at peace with everything that’s been going on… anything and everything from someone saying something “random”, a song that comes on the radio at the “right” time, an email… (for those who don’t believe in all these “coincidences”, I can only imagine how ridiculous this must sound… I’m fine with that though, trust me). In one way I feel like it’s so bizarre, almost like life is surreal, that my thoughts and decisions are being validated, but maybe they are, maybe the universe knows that I need these signs. Something has to change, and I know this now, but the hard part is figuring out what part to change. Which leads me to this….
The baby steps… dc and I were talking about life and I made the comment that I would like a “life redo”…
M: I would like a life redo
M: So that I could change my life
D: Can’t you do that now?
M: Huh? What?!? (with a look of utter confusion on my face)
D: Start over, now, today, tomorrow. Trim the fat but take baby steps. Think about one small tiny thing that makes you unhappy. What purpose does it serve? Can you change it to make you happy, is it worth it? Fix it or get rid of it. Each thing you conquer builds you up in so many different ways.
This might be plainly obvious to some people but apparently it’s not (or wasn’t) to me. I mean, I guess I know that you can always change stuff but I’m not sure exactly how to say this or whatever… maybe it’s because of the magnitude of what’s going on, that I’m not “supposed” to be thinking about changing stuff like this because it’s just wrong. All I know is that it took him saying that to me to fully understand and realize that I can change my life if I’m unhappy. I have the power to do it, I can do it, and there’s nothing wrong with starting small. I know that being able to be happy in one area of my life will so help with all the other areas. So onward change, here I come!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.
Christopher Robin said to Pooh: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time, often just one baby-step at a time and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. Stop waiting..... There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
You can learn to accept change with equanimity, absorbing each phase in stride and learning from each new experience. Instead of running for the hills each time a change arises, deal with change in three distinct stages: Loosen your grip, separate your feelings, and tap into wisdom. Learning to make peace with life's calamities—lost jobs, romances, dreams—does not mean you have to be passive.
"No matter where the problem is, how acute it may be, or how difficult the person may be, there is in the final analysis no one to change but yourself." - - Joseph Murphy
I kept looking for ways to fix the outside world so that I would enjoy it more. The problem is - the outside world is very resistant to being "fixed", especially the people in it. They seem to resent it if you try. What I know now is that none of those problems were outside me at all. As Joseph Murphy says, there was never anyone to change but me. And when I finally got miserable enough, I became willing to start work on myself. Here's the interesting part - as soon as I stopped blaming God and everyone else for my problems and took full responsibility for what I had created, my life began to change. I didn't see it at first, but I can sure see it now as I look back to that point 15 years ago. It reminds me of a little saying that I saw years ago - "My, how you've changed, since I changed." All that stuff I fought about in the outside world seemed to take care of itself when I started taking care of myself. So why am I telling you this story? Well, if there's any person, place or thing in your life that you think needs to be changed, why not think of it as a sign that there is something in you that needs work? Then ask that guiding Spirit within you what needs to be done, in you.
That doesn't mean that there is never any action to be taken in the outside world. It just means that you accept full responsibility for the situation being in your life, and you take corrective action without blame. You act in love, for yourself and others.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
I’ve been walking after work several times a week and I am really enjoying it so far… of course summer isn’t here yet so we’ll see how much I enjoy it when it’s a million degrees outside… hopefully by then I will be in a routine so it won’t be so “horrible”… I need to start eating better but I have to go to the store before I can do that and I am so not wanting to go to the store…
Anyways let’s get to the point… I have about a ton of music downloaded at home… last night I was trying to get out of my sad funk so I started randomly picking some tunes to listen to… I came across this song and realized I had never listened to the whole thing before so I cranked it up because I knew I really liked the chorus… thanks to Ja Rule and his song “New York New York” I am inspired… this has become my new motto:
“You can't take shit for granted, life is too short...
Oh yeah, I spent the majority of last night trying to figure out how to add tunes to my blog… no luck so far but I’m still working on it… I’m hoping to figure out how I can add a playlist…
Monday, April 28, 2008
Like usual, I’ve had all sorts of craziness going on in my head… normally I try to force something to happen instead of just letting life take its course… dc made a comment to me one night about me and my “self esteem issues”… something along the lines of, I have no idea where these come from… so I’ve been thinking on that… you know, I mean, I know where they come from but at the same time I need to respect and love myself more… if I don’t love me how can I expect anyone else to love me? so, in this confusing time of my life I have decided that I am going to work on me… km and I walked last week and I have decided that I am going to start walking… I have too plus I think it will make me feel better. I need to work on me… I need to figure out what will make me happy… what do I need? I’m doing a good job of figuring out what I don’t want and what doesn’t make me happy… so what will?
Some people think that believing in “signs” is silly… when I say signs I mean things that appear or come to you that you weren’t expecting… an email, something someone says to you, the weather, having your cards read… stuff like that… “signs that the universe sends you”… because as I’ve learned, everything happens for a reason… there are not really any coincidences… since Monday I have been getting sign after sign… one almost every day… and these are helping me to believe that I am heading in the right direction… that what I’m feeling is “right”…
I’m sorry for being so vague right now… there is a lot going on right now and I’m just not sure where everything is going to go… as of now I know what I need to do and I’m preparing myself for that…
Here is the first part of my weekly horoscope: There is a lot going on beneath the surface this week, courtney, the kind of thing that you can't quite get a handle on. You sense that there is a shift happening, but know that you have no control over what is about to take place. It is as though fate has the upper hand, but you are still master of your destiny. What is needed is to understand yourself from a deeper perspective than just your personality.