Merry Christmas!

May this Christmas season fill your home with joy, your heart with love, and your life with laughter.

Up... Again

Ok, so today’s a good day… this up and down emotionally is really getting to me… wearing me out… oh well, I suppose I just take the good with the bad… maybe I should say the good with the not-so-good…
Last night I went to the Y and participated in an “upbeat” water aerobics class… basically dare I say a “hip hop” class… I was worried about this for several reasons- 1) it’s been forever since I have swam, 2) um, I am so uncoordinated and I have absolutely no rhythm, 3) I had to wear a swimsuit (I ended up wearing a t-shirt over it- but hello, it was a white t-shirt and my top was black- not so smart!), 4) it was in a not-so-good part of town, and 5) I was going by myself and had absolutely no idea what to expect. Needless to say, I was all kinds of worried and stressed for no reason… there were only 4 other people there besides myself and they were all really nice… that was good… so now I am going to start going to the class on a regular basis… Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6… the guy teaching the class was really nice and said that they never have anything going on down there and I am welcome to use the indoor pool anytime, just call him and let him know and he’ll turn the heater on for me… YAY!!! So I’m thinking that while dc is gone I’ll just go swim… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss swimming, I love being in the water… it’s such good exercise and for me it’s very enjoyable!!! I guess you could say it’s like exercising without hating it, or exercising without really exercising, doing something fun!!! I’ve been looking for that type of exercise for a while!!!
So here’s to hoping that today will be a good day and dc and I will have another amazing weekend (since, once again, it’s his last weekend here)!!! Happy Weekend Wishes to all of you too!!!

Again?!?!

I’m not really sure where all of this “being so emotional” is coming from… or even why it’s here… I don’t know the answers to those questions but I do know that it’s driving me up the wall… I have been so emotional… extremely emotional…. Way too emotional…. I can’t even read some blog posts because I just bust into tears… I’m taking everything so personally…. And probably taking everything the way wrong way too… if there is any possible chance that something could be taken negatively, I will take it that way… I’m not like this all the time but I have been lately and like I said, it’s driving me crazy!!!! (Yes, my “visitor” is still here and has been for the better part of the past month… I’m pretty sure that my hormones are all crazy and that’s not helping me emotionally but I just can’t seem to make myself call the doctor. I suppose it’s just easier to gripe about it than actually do something about it.)
The holidays are usually a pretty emotional time for me but this year I am excited about them. I’m really excited about spending them with dc, who loves the holidays like I do, instead of with someone who doesn’t really care about them. For instance, this Thanksgiving was better than my past 8 have been. I wasn’t being pressured with “are you ready to go?”, “ can we leave now?”, “how long do we have to stay?”??? It was really nice to be able to relax and enjoy the time with my family.
That doesn’t help me with the way I’m feeling now though. I honestly feel like I can completely out of control, regarding my emotions anyways. Saturday dc and I were working and we had the radio on, it seems that every stupid song that came on brought tears to my eyes, and it was like all the songs were depressing too!!!! He told me last night that he’s leaving Monday and isn’t sure when he’s coming back… either Friday or Monday… of course we all know that my vote is for Friday… he said it depends on when his roommate is coming back… if he’s staying thru the weekend then dc will stay and they will work… if he’s coming back that weekend then dc will come back Friday… this really pisses me off end because his roommate is the one “helping” him to decide… I know, I know… selfish… it is very selfish of me but that’s the way I feel and I can’t help it… I really am working on and trying to be ok with all of this… with him “living” down there for about two weeks at a time but damn, he’s just killing me… getting used to him being here for a month at a time, then leaving again, just drains me… every time he leaves I feel like we’ve broken up because my life is the same as it was when he was here except he’s gone… I don’t get to go somewhere else and change up my routine…. once again, I’m being extremely selfish… I apologize for the majority of my posts being so negative and “all about dc” being gone and me being sad… I’m just really having a hard time with it and I feel bad talking about it because I know everyone gets tired of hearing it… so instead I just blog about it… it gets it out anyways…
I promise I really am trying to be positive and to stay positive but these damn emotions keep taking over and the negative just keeps on coming…

And More...

So it seems that the number of things that I am grateful for in my life just keeps growing and growing… and I’m excited and happy about this… I went and weighed today for the first Holiday Trimmings weigh in and since last Wednesday I lost 3.8lbs! This makes for a total of 15.5lbs that I’ve lost total!!! The weight loss was going much better until Thanksgiving rolled around and it took me a little while to get back on the wagon so to speak but I’m not complaining. Working out at the Y is helping and seeing the loss on the scale is also motivating!!! Tomorrow night I’m going to a different Y and going to a water aerobics and swim class!! I am so excited, I love to swim!!!! (dc is going to be out of town until about 8 so that will give me a chance to go check out another Y and see what this swim class is all about!!!)
dc announced last night that he’s not going back until Monday now… he said that he had been thinking about it and decided that he wouldn’t leave on Friday, he’d stay til Monday. very nice!!! I’m glad he’s going to be here for the weekend, the weather is supposed to be beautiful, in the 70’s, and we’re going to go golf!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad he’s going to be here for the weekend, I hate weekends without him, but in a way he’s just prolonging the inevitable. Except he did say, you never know, I may just keep delaying going back and just not go back… don’t toy with my emotions like that!!! but, he knows how I feel and I can’t be the one to make that decision, he has to be. It will all work out though, this I know.
So there are three (weight loss, swimming, and dc staying longer) more things for me to be grateful for!!!

More Good Things

I was hoping that dc and I would have a good weekend and we did. We had a really awesome weekend!!! Saturday I cleaned and then went over to help dc work a little. We worked until a little after 5 and then went home… Saturday night we played Scrabble- too late to cook dinner- and built a fire!! I love fires!!! We’ve been talking about going camping but it has been really cold so we decided that since we haven’t been able to go camping we would camp in the living room. He had brought his sleeping bag so we set that up in front of the fire and camped out. I honestly haven’t had that much fun in a long time!!! Sunday we got up and he made cinnamon vanilla pancakes and omelets for breakfast!!! Lunch, during the Cowboys game, was brots with sauerkraut, and dinner was salmon, rice, and broccoli… the salmon was supposed to be dinner Saturday night but like I said, Scrabble got way good!!!
The kitties absolutely love boxes, especially the boxes that bottles of water come in… they are constantly playing or sleeping in them… Murphy loves being pulled around in a box so dc got the good idea to make them a sled out of a water box and some phone chargers that didn’t work. He cracks me up!!! So, here are the kitties in their sled… I suppose I should add that the sled has been repaired multiple times already… Mazzy likes to bite the charger cords…. She has an “old” one to play with that can chew up that won’t break anything but we apparently like to bite the one that is the handle to the sled…

And… as an added bonus, next week is my last full week to work this year!!! I only have 11 working days left this year after today!!! But it’s a good thing I’m not excited and I’m not counting down!!!!
I was invited to December’s wine night on Monday the 15th but I’m not sure if I’m going or not. dc and I joined the Y (YMCA) and are participating in the Holiday Trimmings special they are doing. It’s basically 6 weeks for $6 and you can use any of the three Y’s in town and take advantage of all the programs that they offer. They have a grand prize winner for the most weight lost and then first thru third place winners for men and women. You have to weigh in all 6 weeks to be eligible for the prizes (so I know for sure dc won’t be since he won’t be here next week to weigh) and I’m not sure if I will be either. The only day I don’t know if I’ll be able to weigh will be the 30th- it all depends on if we go skiing or what over my Christmas break. I’m excited though, we’ve been working out and playing racquetball. They also have an indoor pool that I’m going to take advantage of when he leaves. I know wine night is only one night but I really think that if I don’t continue to go after work on a regular basis I’ll end up “one nighting” myself to death and never go to the Y and work out.

Maybe It's Not So Bad

As an update to yesterday’s post, things are better today… something else occurred to me though… I’ve had my “visitor” basically for the past 3 weeks… yes, I’m on the pill but it doesn’t really seem to be working as far as regulating goes… so my hormones could be (and probably are) completely out of whack…
dc and I went and looked at Christmas lights last night. That is probably one of my most favorite things to do. I love looking at Christmas lights. We used to go look at lights together, years ago. I honestly don’t remember the last time I went to look at lights though. anyways, back to the point… the Christmas lights were disappointing this year… I don’t know if they have been the past few years but as of last night there were only a few people that had lights up (I say a few- a few compared to what I remember). We were talking and we don’t know if the economy is the reason or if people are just being Scroogey… the ex brought all my holiday decorations over about a month ago and they’re all sitting in the 2nd bedroom… the only problem is, I have no place to put anything… I’m debating on trying to put out a little bit of stuff or just not doing it… last year I didn’t have anything out either due to the move… I love decorating for Christmas though… so, decisions, decisions…
dc’s working and I just finished cleaning… I thought I’d stop by and blog for a minute before I go get in the shower… here’s to hoping his last weekend here is a good one!!

Enough Already

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, when I was in such a not-so-good mood, and was trying desperately to get out of the funk, I decided to finally make a gratitude list. I haven’t shared my list with anyone because for some reason I am embarrassed about it… because of what I put on there I guess? I don’t really know… my list made me realize that I do have an abundance of things to be thankful for but somehow when I go re-read my list, I get sad. Really sad. I don’t know why this happens. It bothers me though.
I don’t know if me getting so sad has something to do with the fact that dc’s leaving next Friday, the 12th, to go back to Corpus for about a week or what. (He’s mentioned several times in my gratitude list). And I know I have no reason to be sad about him leaving but ever since I found out earlier this week that he was leaving next Friday I have just obsessed over that. It’s driving me crazy. I’m driving myself crazy. He is still here for a week but I’m already thinking about him leaving (and yes, he’ll only be gone about a week) and I know that the week will fly by and it will all be ok but it seems that every time he leaves it gets harder and harder to say bye. Devastating is the word that comes to mind. I absolutely hate it when he’s gone. I just want to ask him, do you really have to go? Why can’t you just stay? I know I should be grateful for the time he’s here (because he’s here more than he is there) but damn it if I can’t be. We’ve been hanging out/dating for almost 8 months and I still feel like I did when our relationship was new. The whole, I can’t quit thinking about him all the time, I constantly want to be with him, how good he makes me feel, how I think I can’t possibly care about him anymore than I already do but somehow I manage to find myself caring more and more. Feeling all of these emotions makes me feel like a sad sap of a person. Is this normal or is there something just “wrong with me?” I would give anything for him to just move back. Bring everything back with him when he comes back for Christmas… even better would be him not leaving and over Christmas vacation going down there and packing all his stuff up and bringing it back. Like I keep saying, I know I can’t make this decision for him, he has to do it, but damn it, I hope he knows how much it hurts when he leaves. He did say that he was shooting for the first of the year as far as moving back goes because it’s really hard trying to work from Corpus and here. We’ll see. I don’t want to get my hopes up and get excited until I know for sure.
I just want out of this funk. After writing all of this, I’m thinking that my sadness could be caused by a multitude of different things right now, mainly the holidays and dc’s leaving though. I’m really having second thoughts about posting all of this… like I said, I just feel like such a sad sap because I guess it’s almost like I feel that my happiness is directly related to if dc is here or not... and I know that’s not the case, I’m just so much happier when he is here.

Happy Thanksgiving

The kitties, dc, and I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm Trying, I Really Am

Momma wrote me a letter once and in it she said something along the lines of, those that we are closest too will hurt us the most. It took me a long time to really and fully understand what she meant by that. Things have been a little on the “rough” side lately. With Thanksgiving tomorrow I’m really trying hard to focus on the good things in my life. I have so many things to be thankful for, I just need to get rid of the negative mindset and work on the positive mindset. That in itself is a challenge and right now I’m so tired and worn out. I’ve been sick since Sunday and on top of that haven’t been sleeping good at all, like 3 maybe 4 hours a night. I would so much rather be happy than sad, I just need to get there.
Ironically, after I published that I got an email which was very much needed…

For me, this picture embodies what I feel thankfulness is. Presence, Recognition, Honor and Gentleness
Thankfulness comes from awareness gained by being completely Presence in the moment.
This presence leads to a deep Recognition of what we have and how precious it all is.
The realization of the precious nature of what we have leads to Honoring it.
Honoring it leads to being Gentle with what we have.
Being Thankful can be like walking a razor’s edge sometimes. I know I fail at times to be Present, to Recognize, to Honor and/or to be Gentle. We all have varying issues that cloud our ability to be thankful for any given thing from a job to a relationship. Sometimes, it takes effort to be thankful! It is fighting yourself, your inner demons, to choose and have happiness. The Spiritual Warrior doesn’t fight the world. The Spiritual Warrior fights those things within him or herself that prevent health and happiness.
Wishing you all a grand GivingThanks day. May you have fewer inner and outer battles this GivingThanks day!

That Stings

A blog that’s finally not about food…
I understand that people can’t hurt you unless you let them hurt you… that doesn’t make it any easier though. Someone that is supposed to be one of the people closest to me in my life has really hurt my feelings and it’s not something that has just happened once. There have been a few situations and I’ve tried to just let it all go and not worry about it but like I said, it doesn’t make it any easier. I suppose this is just one way of finding out who your true friends are; friends that will love you and accept you when you’re happy or sad, rich or poor, no matter what your situation or what choice you make in life. I thought that this person was a true friend but over the past few months I’m thinking that 1) I was wrong in that assumption or 2) maybe things have changed between us and that’s not the case now. I have decided that I’m not going to apologize for the choices that I’ve made and that if my “friends” can’t be happy for me finally being happy then maybe they’re not really my friends after all. I don’t understand why they can’t be happy for me, maybe they’re not happy in their lives and seeing me happy upsets them, maybe they liked me better when I was sad and miserable most of the time, I don’t know the reason and I really don’t understand but there’s nothing I can do about it except try to remove myself from the situation. I’m not going to stand around and let them pick on me and make me feel bad about myself especially when the decisions that I’m making are making me a happier person and they are good decisions for me. I can’t do that because it’s not fair to me. And as selfish as that sounds, I have learned that I have to take care of me. This has made me realize who my true friends are and it makes me so grateful for them.

Food, Food, and more Food

So McDonald’s didn’t hurt me like I thought it would, on the scale anyways. As of this morning I’m down 14.7lbs- YAY!!! So, on that note I decided not to wait until Wednesday to update my ticker… I’m too excited!!! Ever since dinner last Saturday I’ve been craving fish so I decided to cook some cod and veggies last night for dinner. dc told me that it wouldn’t be that difficult to cook some fish so I thought I’d give it a try… um, it was ok… let’s just say that my fish wasn’t near as good as it was last Saturday night or dc’s fish. That’s ok though, it’s part of the learning process I suppose. I ended up making cod and asparagus and sautéed mushrooms… the asparagus and mushrooms were good though. I still have a piece of fish in the fridge that I need to cook but I’m not really craving it anymore, lol. I thought about giving it to the kitties, we’ll see though. I’ve been craving an omelet too though so last night dc gave me instructions on how to make an omelet. (If you don’t know by now you should know that I am extremely challenged in the kitchen…lol.) The omelet wouldn’t have been bad had I not burned the bacon. But I’m good at burning bacon… oops this morning I just kinda forgot about it… I didn’t wander off, in fact I was right by the stove, cutting up mushrooms… I just forgot about it and then was like, crap, my bacon’s burned… no biggie though… so I had an omelet and an avocado… I threw almost half of the omelet away though because I was so full… and I feel so bad about throwing food away, I don’t know if this comes from being told to clear my plate when I was little or what but I think that’s a big part of my problem, still feeling so guilty about not eating everything on my plate. The solution then would be to not put so much on my plate or not make so much. I need to tuck that away and (try to) remember that I don’t have to eat everything on my plate.
So I found out for sure that dc will be home Friday. We were talking last night and he made the comment that it is ridiculous that we miss each other so much and he said, I’ve got to figure something out. Hopefully that means he’s going to work on getting his butt back here asap!!

I Really Did...

So the wine party was last night… it was fun… there were 6 of us there… they said sometimes there can be up to 15 people there but I’m glad last night was small since I was so nervous anyways!!! the “girls” that were there were really nice (what was I expecting??) and made me feel really comfortable… that was really good!!! S and I went and ate sushi before the party and I got home a little after 10… not bad… not bad at all… I’m glad I went.
(This is where it gets bad!!) But, when I got home I was so hungry!!! I mean, starving (or so I thought)! I can only imagine that it was the wine I drank that made me think I was hungry but I had visions of a quarter pounder with cheese and fries dancing in my head… I changed clothes, washed my face, and got a bottle of water… dc was still working so I couldn't talk to him and I for the life of me could not get the image of McDonald’s out of my head… so, I gave in… I got in the car, drove to Mickey D’s, but when I got there I saw the line in the drive-thru and was so bummed out that it was so long. So I sat in the parking lot for a bit… yes, I did… I just sat there, hoping I guess that all the cars would be like, oh, we don’t want to be here, let’s just leave…. But instead of anyone leaving the line I left and went home. I was proud of myself for not giving into temptation but guess what is still dancing in my head?!?! If you just happened to guess a cheeseburger and fries you are a mind reader!!! Yes!!! Still!!! So, I have decided at lunch that I am going to get a cheeseburger and fries…. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of guilt I feel over this decision. Hello, it’s one meal?!?! It’s not like I’m committing to eating this for every single meal the rest of my life but I feel like I’m cheating!! And I keep telling myself, the only person I’m cheating is me, by not “rewarding” myself every once in a while. Before the sushi last night, I can’t remember the last time I actually ate something that wasn’t a Smart Ones or a frozen meal like that. If I don’t eat the burger and fries I’ll probably end up doing something really stupid later like eating a million burgers and fries… besides, one “bad” meal isn’t going to cause me to gain the 12.9lbs back that I’ve lost so far… (I weigh every morning and calculate my loss to that point but I only update the ticker on Wednesdays- why, I have no idea… maybe I’m scared I’ll constantly be adjusting it up and down)… I really like seeing the numbers on the scale go down and I think that if I eat bad today and they go up tomorrow, even just a little, I’ll freak out… we’ll see what happens… I almost had myself “talked into” going to Mickey D’s and it being ok, well, somewhat ok… now, I’m second guessing myself… all over one stupid cheeseburger and some fries….
(and to make it even worse, dc got a star for working out yesterday and I didn't. yes, this is his first star since he's been gone but still... so I ask you, WTH is wrong with me?)

UPDATE:
So I went to McDonald’s for lunch… got my quarter pounder with cheese meal… and you know, it wasn’t that good… the fries weren’t what I was hoping they would be nor was the burger… In my mind I was expecting something quite different… on the way I told myself, ok, when you’re eating, eat slow, enjoy it, this is a treat. Don’t just inhale the food and then think, hhhmm, I wonder if that was good…
Maybe it was the fact that I actually paid attention to how it tasted (and it’s always been not that good) or maybe something inside of me changed (hopefully) and maybe after it not being so good I won’t crave it anymore… I really don’t know and I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing… I’m hoping that I can remember how not good it was though.

One More

I get one more star for last night, I did my yoga dvd again!!! I know I won't get a star tonight though because it's wine night... and I am already really nervous...

Good Stuff

I get another star for working out last night. That’s good stuff. My scale showed a total loss of 12.2lbs this morning, more good stuff.
Last night I stopped by Target to get my fall themed gift and I was standing in line to check out- there were only like 2 registers open and both had long lines of people with buggies full of stuff… after standing there with my 2 items for what seemed like forever this lady in the line next to me said, m’am, why don’t you go in front of me, you only have 2 items. I try to do this on occasion just to be nice and it was really nice to have someone “return the favor”. That was a very nice thing for her to do. I thanked her several times, I hope she knows that I really appreciated that.

Another Post!!!

So, be proud of me, I earned a star for my calendar last night… I did my yoga dvd… and I can’t tell you how profound the change in my attitude was after I was done with yoga… yesterday was a difficult day emotionally for me… I think the majority of it is coming from pms but also from the fact that dc is gone and then from the “Friday event”…
On a side note- Friday I got some disturbing and not good news but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t going to blog about it and I’m not going to get into details but let’s just say that financially things have changed for me. It pisses me off to no end but like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m working to forget it the best I can. (The only reason I mention this is because this “event” was weighing heavy on my mind yesterday having to go to the dentist and not knowing how I was going to be able to pay for it. Luckily my mom is so freaking awesome and she “took care of it for me”. That made me cry, she has no idea how much that means to me, well, she does now, after I broke down in tears when she told me she had paid for it.)
One of our account reps and I have gotten to be friends… we talk when she comes in here and we text… she’s been inviting me to wine night with her and her friends for several months now and finally this Thursday I’m able to go! I’m really excited but at the same time really nervous since she is the only one that I will know but she is picking me up (she lives right around the corner). At least I won’t have to show up by myself. (I don’t know that I would!) Normally I wouldn’t do anything like this. Being married to my ex I became quite the socia-phobe!! Bad!!! Occasionally it would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to leave the house (and for a while didn’t). Since we are no longer together and dc and I are always going and doing being social has become quite a bit easier. I find myself falling back into my old patterns and habits- the way I was many years ago before I “hermited up”. Getting there Thursday night will be the battle but after that it will be fun!! Last night dc and I were talking and I was telling him the S had invited me to wine night and that I was going to go. This was our conversation:
dc: wait, did you say you were going to go?
Me: yes I am.
dc: really?? Do you know anyone else besides S?
Me: nope.
dc: and you’re really going to go?
Me: yes!!!
dc: good for you, I’m proud of you!! I know you’ll have fun!!
The only not-so-good part of wine night… I need to go get a bottle of wine and then she also said that they were having a Chinese Christmas with a fall themed gift (under $10) and if I wanted/could I could bring an appetizer or a small dish of some sort… normally I would be quite excited to do all this but it’s looking like wine night is going to cost me about $50 or $60 and that stresses me… oh well, it will be fun though.
I keep telling myself- focus on the positive, focus on the positive!! Think about what you want, not about what you do not want.

A First... and Pics

So Saturday night was a first for me… I went to eat with km and her sister and I ordered grilled salmon for dinner… I debated and debated until I thought km and her sister were going to kill me… I was going to go with the usual “stand by”- a cheeseburger and fries but I just kept thinking, 10.8 lbs and 6.5 inches… really? Do I really want a cheeseburger and fries?? So I ordered the salmon and that was the first time I’ve ever ordered fish at a restaurant before. It was really good too!!!
Kim blogged about this and it’s something that I’ve really been thinking about lately and it has been bothering me. Since I decided to really get serious and commit to losing weight I have become obsessed with food. Thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, what I would like to eat, what is the scale going to say when I do eat. Surely this can’t be healthy. I know I have to be conscious of what I eat but obsessing over it non-stop? Is there no happy medium? I was really worried that I would just start eating everything in sight when dc left but luckily that hasn’t happened, something inside me is using what little self-control I have.
As far as exercising, I’ve only worked out one day in November so far. That is not good. I have that free year membership but I can’t quite get myself to go. I brought my bag of workout clothes today so maybe after I leave the dentist I can convince myself to go. I’ve also got my yoga dvd that I love doing but can’t seem to make myself actually get up and do it. Where is my motivation?? And why does it seem so much harder to work out with dc here? When he’s here I’m the one motivating us to go. What changes? I don’t understand and it’s frustrating me!!
I got pictures of Brianna! YAY! I even took a video of her dancing but I didn’t realize that you can’t rotate a video (or if you can I don’t know how) so I’m going to have to redo that… (actually, it never occurred to me that I would have to rotate it anyways)… once again, sometimes I am so smart it scares me…

Catching Up

Where to start… dc and I have been hanging out, all the time… when he’s here he stays with me… his sister is getting divorced and her and her kitties took over his old room at his parents house… since he’s been staying with me that’s how "the takeover" happened… I don’t mind though, I actually like it, ok, I really like having him there. He’s leaving Friday to go back to Corpus but I honestly don’t think he’ll be down there (permanently) much longer. He will be back for Thanksgiving so he’ll only be gone for about 2 weeks this time. He doesn’t really seem to like it much, not as much as he thought he would anyways. Besides, he’s actually here more than he’s there. I just realized that when he leaves Friday he will have been here for a month. He says that it’s not fun down there with his roommate, if it was me it would be different but it’s not, and that the longer we’re together the more he wants to be here and doesn’t want to leave here. (Plus, his office is here, he just takes work with him when he goes back and then has stuff shipped down there.) I hate the fact that he’s not happy down there but hopefully he won’t be down there much longer, from the way he’s talking anyways. So keep your fingers (and toes) crossed that he’ll be moving back soon!

The past two weekends we’ve gone to Dallas and gone bowling at the 300 Dallas and then on to Dave & Buster’s (if you haven’t noticed we really like D&B’s). I have now officially scored my high score bowling, 127, which I have a picture of!! (please don’t “judge” the picture- the beer was going down way too smooth!)


At D&B’s we won Brian (the pink hippo) a sister, her name is Brianna. She is a (lighter color- think baby) pink hippo (and smaller) and has on a cheerleader outfit, too cute. I don’t have a picture of her yet but I will. I may even try to post a video of her “singing” and “dancing”, she is so cute when she dances. She shakes her little hips. dc and I had been joking for quite sometime that Brian has been telling us that he wants a sister so we went on a mission to win him a sister and we did. We have now accumulated over 30,000 tickets. I have no idea what we’re going to do with all of them, but right now we just plan to keep on accumulating them.

Momma and daddy were out of town the last week of October so dc and I borrowed Scrabble and Monopoly from them. We have had the best time playing games. That’s what we do at night (and on Sundays), play Scrabble and Monopoly. Up until Monday night I had lost every single game of Scrabble that we’ve played. My Scrabble skills are improving though, I finally won three games the other night!! I’ve been joking that while he’s gone I’m going to play by myself. We’ve only played one game of Monopoly, it continued over like 4 days though. It kept getting late and we would get tired so we would pack it up and continue on the next day. He ended up winning though, no surprise to me, I’ve never ever won a game of Monopoly in my life.


Here are Mazzy & Murphy "playing" Monopoly although before they discovered the box lid they were trying to eat the houses and the money-

(Yes, Murphy weighs 17.5 lbs- I don't know what to do though, they're both on low-fat food and they each get 1/2 cup a day, that's it. By the looks of things you would think I feed them non-stop!)

We’ve been working out although we took this week off since it is his last week here. (He was going to leave Wednesday, then it was Thursday, now it’s Friday, but I know he’s leaving Friday but only because his friend is flying into Houston to visit his uncle about business and then driving to Corpus for the weekend. If his friend wasn’t flying in I don’t think he would be going back.) So we took this week off but I finally did take a picture of our October workout calendar with the stars on it. We'll see how good our November calendar looks after we have a whole month to work on it! The working out/losing weight is going fairly well. So far I’ve lost 7.6lbs and he’s lost 9.4lbs. They say it’s easier for guys to lose weight than girls but I think right now my problem is my “visitor”; she’s getting ready to visit and I really honestly thinks that messes with my weight. We’re taking our measurements tonight too so we can see how we’re doing there.
I almost forgot, I entered a raffle for a year membership to CardioPlus and I won!! It’s open 24 hours and it’s right by the apartment. I haven’t gone by to check it out yet but I plan on doing that at the beginning of next week. I’m hoping they’ll have a yoga class or something!! I’m excited though and I can't wait to see what they have to offer!
And lastly, my face… man alive, what is the deal with my face. I switched birth control back in February to see if the new one would help with my pms- the emotional side of it. It has but I don’t know if it’s causing my face to break out horribly or what. (My face hasn’t been out of control since February though, only since sometime in the late summer.) The only other thing I can think of that has changed was the base I was using. I changed my base in the summer because dc and I were always outside and I was getting tan so I needed to change colors so I decided to go with an “all mineral” powder base. Saturday I went back to my “old” base though, hopefully that will help because I’ve even gone to the doctor and she gave me a topical stuff to put on my face to try and that’s so not helping either. And it’s not like my “situations” are just small, oh hell no, they’re these large nasty pus filled things. They are SO gross!!! I mean, nasty!!! (Sorry for being so nasty and descriptive). Since the topical stuff isn’t working I’ve got all my hope in the old base, maybe that will do the trick. If not I guess I will call the doctor about my not-so-new birth control or go to the dermatologist.

Here's a picture of dc that I took on Friday afternoon. He had to go to a funeral and he was all dressed up so I couldn't resist taking a picture of him looking so cute!!

So that’s what’s been going on in my corner of the world. Maybe next time I won't wait so long to post so that my blog won't be 10 million pages long.

More on Getting Serious

I can’t believe I forgot to blog about this when I blogged about our weight loss plan… duh, hello brain?? So in addition to weighing, we took our measurements the other night… that was a depressing site but at least we’re doing something about it… we’re not just going to rely on the scale to monitor our progress since hopefully we’ll be building muscle in addition to losing fat so we’re measuring inches lost too… and I read somewhere, I think on some “confessions” website about someone using star stickers to help motivate them… so I printed out monthly calendars for October, November, and December and bought some star stickers. For every day that we work out we get a star on the calendar. I like stickers (I know, 5 year old mentality) and seeing those stars on the calendar do motivate me. The more stars the better!!! I know it probably sounds lame saying that but it works for me and I’ll take anything that helps!! When I first contemplated the idea and bringing it up to dc I was like, he is going to make so much fun of me, but surprisingly he didn’t. I said, you’ll probably think this is stupid but… His reply was anything that helps motivate and keep you motivated is not stupid. If you quit exercising or don’t do anything, that’s stupid.
So, now that he knows my measurements and what I weigh I do have to do something to make this better. lol I fought tooth and nail to not have to tell him what I weigh but I gave in. He said, it’s not like me knowing exactly what you weigh is going to change anything between us. He’s such a sweetie and he’s so good to me. It’s so nice to have someone support you in your decisions and not have to go at it alone.

Getting Serious

So last Thursday night, at dinner ironically while eating Mexican food including chips, hot sauce, queso, and drinking beer, dc and I laid down some ground rules regarding our weight loss efforts (that have been less than stellar so far)… but that is changing… some of the rules - we must work out at least 30 minutes a day at least 5 times a week, you can’t use your two free days in a row, and no more fast food (damn!!)… for some reason since I decided to blog about our weight loss my mind went blank regarding the rules… figures! Anyways back to the point, reading ilax’s blog has really motivated me to want to work out and lose weight… between her blog and dc and I’s conversations I am super motivated!!! Plus the other night at walmart I got behind a couple that was so big they had to use the motorized wheelchairs, they couldn’t even walk, and I refuse, yes refuse, to be like that! dc and I have been working out like we agreed too and we have even started running during our walks!! I am really excited about this!!! No one has ever been patient enough to try to run with me… we’ve been going to a high school track to walk/run but the only problem is that there are no lights there. Looking around, there are no lights at any of the tracks at the schools nor are there any lights on the walking/biking trail that the city put in. So, we are going to join the Y so that we can play racquetball, swim, use the weights, track, classes, whatever… the Y offers a couples membership (and you don’t have to be married!) to take advantage of it, YAY!!! I am really excited about this, I can’t wait to have to move my ticker at the top of the page to show my weight loss!!! I can’t wait to bore everyone to tears with my weight loss tales!! So, be prepared, be very prepared because I plan to kick ass and take names!!! Here’s to getting serious!!!

Vegas Baby!!

Our trip to Vegas was awesome!!! It started out a little on the not-so-good side but it turned out excellent!!! We woke up at 4:15 Saturday morning so that we could be at the airport by 5:45 since our plane left at 6:52… we have an Air Force base in town and apparently the airmen are allowed more luggage than we are so this flight was “weight restricted”… it was dc and I and another girl waiting to be called to board… turns out due to the weight on the plane they only had room for one more person… she went… we caught the next flight, 4 hours later!!! But, we did get to sit by each other on the way to Vegas, if we would have made the 6:52 flight it didn’t look like we were going to have seats together… plus, we got vouchers for money off of our next flight, and dc said, you know we’ll use those vouchers, YAY for another trip!!! We ended up getting to Vegas about 2 hours later than we would have if we would have made the earlier flight, no biggie though… the only reason I was ticked was the fact that I got up at 4:15 on a Saturday morning. After that I was kinda worried that us not making the first plane was an omen of how the trip was to go… turns out I was worried for nothing. We had a phenomenal time. Vegas is awesome and beautiful and I would love to go back. Basically we gambled and ate, walked around, and I took a ton of pictures. Our hotel was beautiful!!! They had a river inside with gondolas floating down them that you could ride if you wanted too. We casino hopped all over the place. Oh yeah, we went to New York New York and rode the rollercoaster, that was so cool!!! I collected $1 chips from all the casinos we went too. There was so much to see and so much to do… we so needed more time and we both didn’t want to leave to come home to “reality”. I think the warmest it got the whole time we were there was about 72, they had a cool front blow in Saturday and it was so nice, we wore jackets the entire time. I only took over 130 pictures but don’t worry, I won’t post all of them, lol. You can find more Vegas pictures here.

Not-So-Smart

So since I don’t have any Vegas pictures with me at work right now I’ll blog about something not-so-smart that I recently did… well, it’s actually two things but they kinda tie in together… first let me say that I am proud to be a Texan… knowing this, you would think that I would know more about my state if I’m so proud of it… apparently that’s not quite the case… when dc and I were in Vegas, one of the dealers decided we would play a little Texas history (it seems everyone asked where we were from due to our accents)… needless to say I get quite nervous when this subject comes up as history (and geography) are not my strong suite… the dealer reassures me not to worry, the first question is quite easy… what is the capital of Texas? Um, I’m not sure… I know it’s either Austin or Houston but in the middle of the “panic” I don’t really know so I look at dc… he looks at me like, really, seriously, and says we were just there, you don’t remember driving by the capital- in Austin??? Hhhmm, we were just there weren’t we… and then I remembered remarking that the Capital building was so pretty… ok… so then the dealer says, well, ok, I won’t ask you anymore history questions… whew, I was off the hook then!!!
Fast forward to last night… I get a picture message from one of my friends and for the life of me I can’t figure out what in the hell it’s a picture of… I’m turning the phone all kinds of sideways, up and down, no luck…
So this morning I text him back and ask him where are you?
him: do you really have to ask?
me: um, yeah…
him: I was at the Alamo…
me: oh! That’s what that was!!! I thought it was a profile of some guy and spent forever trying to figure out who it was… duh!!!
Sometimes I really wonder about me… does anyone else have this problem… or am I just so special in my own ways???

Cheese Please

I’ve been missing dc… missing him bad… apparently he’s been missing me too (I’m glad)… anyways, we met in Waco last Friday after I got off work… we spent Friday night in Waco and Saturday morning we got up and drove to Austin… we spent Saturday and Sunday in Austin. I had never been to Austin before and it is absolutely beautiful. We stayed at the Hilton on 4th Street Saturday night and walked around the 6th Street area Saturday afternoon and evening. Sunday we went to Dave & Buster's (oh yeah we did) and we now have over 26,000 tickets. We watched the Cowboys play (read: lose) and then played some more. (When dc booked the room at the Hilton, he got us the romance package, he is so sweet he just kills me!!!) I have never ever had anyone “wine me and dine me” like he is and we’ve talked about this… like how in the beginning of a relationship you’re on your “best behavior” and for the most part you may not be acting like your “true” self… we’ve both agreed that ever since the first night we met for dinner we’ve both been acting like our “true” selves… which would explain the fights and arguments that we had in the beginning but our communication has grown so much better though, I am amazed. (I think that us both being our true selves has a lot to do with us having known each other our whole lives.)
This weekend his parents are going down to see him. It’s also our Autumn Harvest Moon Dinner (Knight of Columbus “thing” that my boss is really active with) at work. Last year at the dinner I won the Grand Prize which was a $750 gift certificate to United (grocery store) AND a $750 gift certificate to Walmart! Woohoo!!! I just wish dc was going to be here to go with me. That’s ok, he’ll be back Tuesday or Wednesday, hopefully Tuesday.
His birthday is Friday the 10th. Last weekend in Waco he decided that he would like to go to Vegas for his birthday. He said that if I could get off work he would pay for everything… SO… I’m off work the 13th and the 14th and we’ll be in Vegas the 11th thru the 14th!! I am so excited!!! I have never been to Vegas before and I can’t wait!!! He’s been once so we’re both really excited to go!!! I’m so excited, we’re staying at the Venetian (in a luxury suite-omg!!! I have never been exposed to anything so nice before- how sad is that?!?)!!! I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of pictures I’m probably going to take seeing as how I can’t seem to take enough pictures of places around here, lol. Momma is “kitty-sitting” her grandkitties while we’re gone… she’s so sweet!! I don’t know what I would have done lately without her watching her grandkitties while I roam all over the place.
I know I’ve only said this about a million times but it’s so nice to be happy, I could really get used to being happy all the time!!! It's not the "material" things or the places we go that make me so happy, it's just being with him. He is a truly amazing person. (I only wish he didn't live 8 hours away!) Things are good though and I couldn’t be happier.
(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, on the way home I got a speeding ticket, 81 in a 55, ouch. I need to call on it to see how much it's going to be.)

Welcome to the Family

This is Bryan. I would like to take a moment to welcome him to the family. This last weekend dc and I went to Dave and Buster’s then to eat at Fogo De Chao’s. Before we started playing at Dave and Buster’s we walked thru the gift shop to see what we wanted to win. Of course I immediately spotted the pink hippo and was hell bent on that! Having figured out what we were going to win, we set out on a mission. We finally found this one game (I can’t for the life of me remember what it was called- the jack and cokes were going down way too smooth!) and we cleaned up on tickets. It was hilarious because we had this stack/pile of tickets on the floor; I only wish I would have remembered to take a picture of that! Adults and kids kept walking by making remarks on our pile of tickets. As we were debating if we had enough tickets for the hippo and decided we would take our chances, this guy walks up and asks us if we are done with the game. We tell him yes, he can have it, and his eyes lit up like we told him he had won the lottery. We ended up having to get a tub for all of our tickets, the lady weighed them, and holy hell we had over 9,000 tickets. (We were both jumping up and down like we had won the lottery when she told us that, we were so excited about the hippo and the HUGE amount of tickets we had.) The hippo, whose name is Bryan now, was only 4,000+ tickets. lol dc couldn’t figure out why he was so expensive- “because after all he is just a stuffed hippo” and he wasn’t buying the fact that it was because “he is a hippo and everyone loves and wants a hippo. It turns out he’s not just a hippo, he’s a musical hippo AND his ears wiggle while he sings to you. (Also note, Bryan has red “painted” nails, a pink bow around his neck with hearts on it, and the hearts on his paw light up when he sings. dc said that his nails are red “fresh from a kill because we know that a boy hippo sure wouldn’t paint his nails”. I personally think Bryan might be a bit “light in his loafers” but I don’t care, I love him regardless.) Bryan, who is the most adorable pink hippo I’ve ever seen, now sits on my nightstand with my teddy bear. When dc leaves to go back “home” they will move to the bed so that I won’t have to sleep by myself.

In case you’ve been doing some math and you’re wondering what we did with the rest of the tickets, we bought a coffee maker for my apartment, a coffee mug, a shot glass, another glass, and we still have over 500 tickets left… whew!!! Dave and Buster’s is awesome; I can’t wait to go back!!!

P.S. Mazzy wasn't quite sure what to think of Bryan singing while his ears wiggled.

"Our" Story

I’ve know dc my whole life- ever since I can remember. Our parents went to the same church, this is the only church either of us have ever known and I think we started going when I was 3. (Ironically, over Labor Day while we were dog-sitting for his parents- we were staying at their house- we were going thru a cabinet in the kitchen looking for a Bundt cake pan- monkey bread rules!!!- and we found church directories going back to the early 1990’s. We were all in there and it was hilarious!!! Taking that trip down memory lane together was so much fun and it was so funny to look back on those times.) Anyways back to the story, we grew up at church together. We have history, a lot of history together- some of it just friends some of it more than friends. Growing up and as far back as I can remember I always said, I’m going to marry that boy one day. I’ve loved him for as long as I can recall. During high school and college dc and I were really close. We talked on the phone constantly- usually all night long and hung out together constantly- especially when km and I got our own apartment. dc and I have talked about this so many times and for the life of us neither one of us can remember or figure out why we quit talking. We just kinda quit talking and drifted apart, somehow, unbeknownst to us. I graduated shortly after we quit talking and we went separate ways. We’ve talked and somehow just based on where we’ve both been in our lives and the way we are if we would have got together before now it wouldn’t have worked out. We just know that. We both agree that everything happens for a reason and we both think what is happening between us is the best thing that has ever happened to either one of us. He is the most phenomenal person and has made me happier over the past 5 months than I’ve been in years. So that’s “our” story. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. (cheesy yes I know but so true.)

Exactly What You Need to Hear

So I emailed momma this morning and was pity- partying about dc leaving… he was supposed to go back on Monday, it was switched to Tuesday, now it’s Friday… every day it gets one day later- I’m not complaining though, just like, you’re prolonging the inevitable… and it never fails the day before I get so sad it’s his “last night here” only to find out he’s staying another day… now he’s waiting on more product to come in… like I said, I’m not complaining, it’s just killing me- slowly… lol… anyways, I was pity- partying to momma and she said exactly what I needed to hear… exactly!!!
When dc first started talking about moving I was ok with it… I mean, not ok with it like I’m really ok with you moving 8 hours away but I’m ok with it because I understand that this is something that you’ve wanted to do for a long time and I don’t want you to end up resenting me because you didn’t go. It hurt (a lot) and I cried (a lot) and somehow seemed to lose sight of that perspective.

Momma’s reply to me was: I know you hate to see dc leave but you said he'd wanted to leave here for a long time. If he doesn't do it now and see if that's what he wants, he may never be happy. The new may wear off in a short time and he may move back but he'll always wonder if he doesn't take the chance now. He'll be back for a visit soon and who knows how long he'll decide to stay there at all. Maybe you can find something to get involved in to help pass the time.

After I cried, yes, I know, cried, I emailed her back and told her thank you; that was exactly what I needed to hear. She’s so right and now thinking back I’m disappointed in myself for losing sight of this but at the same time I’m grateful that she was able to help me shift my mindset and get me back to there. I have absolutely no idea where I would be right now without my family and my friends. I only hope they know how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate and love them.

My "Confessions"

I’ve spent most of my morning reading True Confessions- Body, Mom, & Office. Here are a few of my confessions for today:

• I know others have it worse than I do but I just can’t seem to shake the funk right now.
• I haven’t been thinking about dc leaving and going back “home” but now that he’s leaving Wednesday I am getting so depressed. The tears have already started. I don’t know why he had to move.
• I have quit taking all my prescription meds- except my birth control. I’ve been so moody and emotional lately it’s driving me crazy, ironic isn’t it? I read that it can take up to a month for your body to get back to “normal” after you quit taking meds... it hasn’t been a month yet but I’m still waiting.
• I’m letting the “little stuff” get to me. I think this has to do with quitting the meds and dc leaving too. I can’t read, watch, or hear anything even semi-emotional without tearing up.
  I want to write a book. I love to read and my whole life I’ve always wanted to write a book. I don’t know how or where to begin.

Happiness and suffering come from your own mind, not from outside. Your own mind is the cause of happiness; your own mind is the cause of suffering. To obtain happiness and pacify suffering, you have to work within your own mind.

Ike

For the past week dc and I have been watching (Hurricane) Ike to see where he’s headed… I’m so glad that dc didn’t go home but even if he would have, he would have had to come back. His roommate is still there but is waiting for orders to evacuate… dc and I have been joking about Ike tearing down his house but now it looks like Ike is knocking on his back door. Like I said, I’m so glad he’s here and not there. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, where Ike decides to land, and what damage he does. I know everything happens for a reason, I’m just asking for your thoughts and prayers for everyone that has been and will be affected by Ike. You can track Ike here.

(On the good side, dc brought -almost- everything but his sleeping bag back with him when he came down. His roommate is packing up the rest of the "important" stuff to bring back. It's almost like it's a "sign" he should just stay here.)

(Update: dc just emailed me and said that the he talked to his roommate and that the water is already above their lowest deck and that the road surrounding the island is already flooding. I just read that WF is in an extended flood watch. We haven't even recovered from the flood a month ago and from my understanding this isn't part of Ike. 09/10 @ 2:10pm)

Corpus Pictures

Instead of posting a billion pictures of Corpus here I thought I'd post them here

Pictures

dc and I after a long day bowling- (read: long day bowling & drinking)

my 2nd highest score (I can't find the picture with my high score of 117)

Muenster- Hole # 11

one of the many views of the "fan farms" at Muenster

Happiness

I know I keep blogging about being happy, mainly I think it’s because it’s something that I haven’t really felt in so long… bear with me…
For the past several months I have been so happy, happier than I have been in years. And it’s not just me that’s noticed. People that I don’t even know that well have made comments to me about it. I have mixed feelings about this. Was that I that unhappy that it was so obvious (to everyone) or now that I’m happy is it so obvious that I was unhappy? Does that even make any sense- is it the same thing? I’m hoping that it’s the fact that now that I’m so happy it’s obvious that I was so unhappy. I would hate to think that everyone was able to see that I was so unhappy for so long, especially since it took me a long time to accept the fact that I really was unhappy and that I needed to make a change. Needless to say, I suppose that none of that matters now because I am happy. I have made changes in my life for the better and for my happiness.
dc came into town early. I got back from Corpus on Monday the 25th and he was supposed to be here Friday the 29th. He ended up coming in Thursday. Only one day difference but I’ll take it any time! Originally he was supposed to be leaving today but he told me last Thursday morning that he wasn’t leaving today. I finally had the heart to ask him yesterday when he was going back “home”. He said he’s thinking next Monday (never would be fine with me, I think he should just move back here).
We decided that we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas “break”. Our Christmas vacation will be a long one this year too. We’ll work the 23rd and then not have to come back until 5th!!! Way too awesome!!! We’re going skiing in Breckenridge so that we can ski Vail and another place too (only I can’t remember the 3rd place). I’m really excited. Our weight loss isn’t going so swell but it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he is an amazing cook and is showing me how to navigate the kitchen. I know for a fact that I haven’t met anyone who can cook like dc can. We did buy a grill for my apartment though so hopefully we can try to cook a little healthier. I am inspired by Ilax and her weight loss though!! I need to follow her example!!!
On Labor Day we went bowling. I took a bowling class in college and never managed to break 100. Needless to say, in 2 different games I broke 100!!! I was so excited!!!
Saturday we went golfing in Muenster. They have the most beautiful golf course; hills, water, trees, everything that our golf courses in town don’t have. Everyone playing Saturday was playing so slow so I golfed a bit. I am currently learning how to putt. I suck pretty good at golf but it’s still fun and I love that dc is trying to teach me how to play. He doesn’t get frustrated and I don’t get embarrassed around him (that I suck). He’s a very good teacher.
(I do have pictures of my bowling scores and our golf trip to Muenster but I just can’t seem to remember to get the usb cord from dc so I can put them on the computer.)
Yesterday was a lazy Sunday. The only time I left the apartment was to go to get ice cream- I know, I know, once again, I wonder why we can’t lose weight. We watched 3 football games and the race. The Cowboys played an excellent game and Carl raced a good race.
I’m excited to see what this week has in store though. Life just keeps getting better and better.

We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.
— Anne Frank

Fate I Tell You!

I mentioned before that I’ve been looking for a new car. I went and picked up a BMW 328i Wednesday at lunch and drove it until Thursday. I was so sad to say that I didn’t like it. I tried to talk myself into liking it but dc kept saying, if you don’t love it don’t get it, you should be really excited about it and I wasn’t. I kept thinking, I would really like another Passat but the new Passat I want is more than the BMW. So I took the BMW back and was driving a new Accord. I liked the car but not the color so the salesman and I were driving around to the back to see if they had any other colors and what happened… if you happen to guess that someone had just traded in a Passat you are correct!!! And when I say just traded in I mean just traded it in. It hadn’t even been detailed yet. It’s not brand new but it’s a 2006, 3 years newer than mine and only has 33,000 miles on it (mine is less than 300 miles away from hitting the 100,000 mark). It’s charcoal too, which I personally think is a sign it’s meant to be since my first one was black, the second one is white, and now the third one is gray- a mix of black and white!!! A sign I tell you!!! I drove it at lunch yesterday but it wasn’t detailed and it needed to be serviced so I’m going back down there today to drive it at lunch and hopefully to sign the papers on it. The best part is that my payment should only go up about $100. That’s awesome!!! Keep your fingers crossed that Perry (yes, he already has a name!) is mine!!!
I'm looking at Perry like I have manifested a new car! What I've been wanting! See, good things are on their way!! To me this is just another sign that I am where I need to be and want to be, that I am on the right track.
Update: I just called the dealership and my car isn't ready yet. Not a problem though. I would rather them take their time, do everything right, and get everything taken care of before I get down there. The salesman is supposed to call me back this afternoon to let me know what's going on and where we stand. Everything happens for a reason and when it's supposed to happen yes? Exactly what I thought.

Perfect

Bits & Pieces

(a pic of dc and I in Corpus)

I am officially divorced as of yesterday at 4:00. The court approved the divorce and my request to change my name back to my maiden name. So now the fun process of changing my name begins. It seems that since the divorce was final yesterday my to-do list has gotten significantly longer. I need to cancel our life insurance policy, close some bank accounts, and other fun stuff that I was just waiting for the divorce to be final before I did. That’s ok though, I’m not dreading doing any of it. Well, except standing in line at the Social Security office, lol. It also seems that I have an abundance of energy and that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m hoping that since I’m feeling better now my blogging will pick back up because I feel like I have so much to say now. I would hate to write one really long boring post though so for now I’ll just sum up everything and then fill in the details later.
My trip to Corpus rocked!!! dc and I had so much fun!! I have lots of good pictures to share! We didn’t do too much- except eat anyways. I managed to gain 6 lbs from Thursday to Tuesday morning when I weighed. Needless to say, we’ve talked about it and we’re both working on lifestyle changes as far as our eating habits are concerned. We have a bet going. We each have a certain amount of weight we want to lose so we have given ourselves until my Christmas vacation to lose the weight. The loser pays for a trip somewhere. We’re not sure if we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas break or if we’re going to go somewhere else. We’re also setting 10 lb goals with rewards too. I’m really excited about this. dc and I are doing really good. It’s been really hard with him being in Corpus but it’s getting better. He’s on his way back right now so he will be here when I get off work and he will be here thru the 8th. YAY!! Things have been going really good for me. Normally when things are going really good I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not this time. I have decided to take a different approach mentally and see what happens. dc and I were joking around when I was visiting him- I made the comment about how well things were going and how happy I was and have been and he said, next thing you know you’ll break up with me because life just keeps getting better and you’re not used to that. So instead of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’m going excited to see what new and positive things are coming my way. I’ve worked on a list of goals that I want to accomplish, some of them are short term and some are more long term. After my trip, reading and catching up on what my blogger friends have been doing- and being super motivated by them, setting goals for myself, and from conversations with dc, I am really excited about my life, what is going for me, and what is coming up. I actually have a plan (somewhat anyways!) of action, I know what I need to do to make my life what I want it to be so now I just need to work on making it happen. So far so good. I finally feel like I am “in charge” of my life so to speak. I suppose that the divorce was empowering to me. It made me realize that I can make my life anything I want it to be so that’s what I’m doing. Honestly I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt so good and so happy. That everything in my world is right the way it is now. Right now this is where I should be.

Tidbits

My blogging has become more and more infrequent… I’ve had a lot going on and have really been working on myself and trying to figure myself out… so far so good… so on that note I have 2 little tidbits to share today…

I got a letter from my lawyer yesterday that said Wednesday, August 28th at 4:00 we go to court and my divorce is final. YAY!!!

My plane flies out of Wichita at 6:05 tonight and lands in Corpus Christi at 10:35. There is a small layover at DFW but that’s ok. I’m going to see dc (David). My plane gets back Monday night at 9:04. I am so excited and I can’t wait. There is more to this story but I’ll share that another time.

Good things are going on and I hope they continue. I’m working on staying positive so that hopefully they will!!!

Head Above Water

The past few months I’ve been a “bad blogger”. I suppose I should say my blogging has been basically non-existent. The reason(s) for this… I’m not sure what to say, how much to say, what do I feel- this changes all the time, and then the main reason- I’ve been too down to even want to try to put any effort into blogging. It also seems that me feeling down and not really wanting to put any effort into anything is spilling over into other areas of my life as well- keeping in touch, emailing, basically being a productive person in most areas. I’ve tried to hide this and just keep it out of sight from (most) everyone. I realize that this is not healthy but that’s how I’ve been coping, or trying to cope anyways.
The past month or so I’ve been sleeping about 4 hours a night. Normally when I wake up and I’ve got at least two or more hours left to sleep and I can’t go back to sleep I get pissed. I lay there and get more and more mad so by the time my alarm goes off I have started the day in a super foul mood. Last week I decided that I would walk over to the fitness center in the apartment complex. So for 3 days last week I would find myself in the fitness center using the elliptical for 30 minutes at some crazy time of the morning when all the people in their right minds are still sleeping. At least I wasn’t already fuming mad when it was time for me to “get up”. Last night I actually slept. After tossing and turning for an hour I crashed. Finally. This morning when the alarm went off I was so tired the last thing I wanted to do was to get up but I did. I’m worn out now but hoping that I can get some sleep again tonight, it’s amazing how good sleep can make you feel.
So I’ve officially been in my apartment for a little over a month. The kitties have adjusted well. And they’ve been very good company. I picked up a final copy of our divorce decree last Thursday. So far so good. R and I are still talking and getting along. Things between us are weird for sure but there’s no hard feelings or bad blood. We’re both just taking care of what we need to take care of and trying to go from there. August 25th is the 60th day of our cooling off period. My attorney said he would schedule a court date and let me know when it is.
Last Sunday my car broke. And then I helped break it some more. Apparently somehow (and I have no idea how but I sure wish I knew!) I managed to put a hole in the oil pan and then proceeded to drive it with no oil in it. When daddy pulled the oil pan he noticed that the teeth from the cam gears were in the oil pan. Not a good sign at all. Right now I’m not sure what other damage I’ve done to the motor. It could be anything from just new cam gears to a whole new motor. Lovely. So now I’m car shopping.
Yesterday it was 107 outside and the air conditioner in my apartment decided to break down on me. Finally when it was 90 in the apartment I called the office and the maintenance guy came over. He rigged it up to work until he could get back over there today to fix it. All I know is that last night when I went to bed a little after 10 it was still 84 in there. Another lovely situation. At least this situation won’t cost me any money directly out of my pocket, not in repairs anyways.
As odd as this might sound, I know that this has been a rough patch for me but I do know with 100% certainty that it is for the best. Even though I’ve been down and haven’t been too overly optimistic, I do realize that I am already happier than I’ve been in a long time and that’s saying a lot. At least knowing (and feeling) that I’m on the right path to making me happier makes it easier to deal with everything.

On that note:
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." — Agnes Repplier

Sometimes, we can feel trapped by someone or a situation, but in reality we have created the situation ourselves by denying what we really want or who we really are.

Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.

Step One

I went to see a/my lawyer this morning. It’s a very straight-forward uncontested divorce but since we have the restaurant a friend of mine recommended going thru a lawyer, basically to protect me since we did buy it while we were married. I can’t believe how expensive it is to get a divorce. I think our marriage license cost maybe $10 but the divorce is over 100 times that much. I obviously chose the wrong profession. They said that there is a 60 day “cooling off” period so it will be at least 60 days before the divorce is final. I’m looking for a place to live right now. I’m leaning more towards an apartment or something so I don’t have yard work to do. I don’t mind doing yard work occasionally but I think it would get old after a while. R is letting me take the kitties though.
Last night while I was reading the comments that were left by my blogger sisters, I realized why I hadn’t blogged about all of this. It hurts. Even though this is what I want and what will be best for both of us in the long run it still hurts, bad. I’ve been to see a counselor once, just to figure out if I was making the right decision. I’ve given this so much thought, ok, this whole thing has done nothing but consume me and eat at me for months now. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am ok with being divorced. I am ok with being alone. No matter what happens I will be ok. I’m still scared to death though. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes not. I just know that it’s time for me to work on me being happy. This is step one.

Over

A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. Basically the long and short of it is that I decided that I wanted out. We are now talking divorce and all the things that come along with that. On the good side though, we are remaining civil. We have both decided that there is no reason for us not to be civil; it will make things easier both now and in the long run. We want to remain friends after this. Last week we talked about who wanted what and how we were going to separate everything. We had no problems with that. Everything has been going smooth thus far, I just hope it stays that way. We should be fine as long as his mother stays out of it. That’s another story for another day though. I haven’t blogged about this yet because I’m not sure what to say or even where to start. Ironically, I was the one who wanted the divorce but I’m the one who doesn’t want to talk about it. I do have an appointment with an attorney in the morning though. We’ll see how that goes.

Summer Already

102! That's how hot it was here yesterday!!! 102 degrees!!! We tied the record high set in like 1942 or something. May 19th and it’s 102!!! The only downfall about living in Texas is the heat!!! It gets so damn hot here!!! Oh well, summer is officially here!!

Dirty Laundry

A month ago I gave R a letter that said I’m unhappy and here are the reasons why I’m unhappy. The letter wasn’t all, here’s what you’re doing wrong, it was here’s why I’m unhappy and what I’m feeling is happening to us. We talked and he is really making an effort to make things better. What I don’t understand is why isn’t this making me happy? Is it a little too late? Should I have said something sooner? What is my problem?
There are so many issues I feel are causing problems in our relationship. He brought up a good point the other day. We were married in June 2003 and my back problems started in August 2003. The problem was finally fixed in August 2007 but I’m still not back to 100%. I don’t know if part of the problem we are having is us trying to have a normal relationship after all the back problems, you know, like finding a “routine” that works for both of us.
About a month before I gave him this letter, he “cornered” me one day and we had a “talk”. We needed to communicate more because we don’t communicate well and all our talks end up in fights. Then a month later I gave him the letter because what we talked about wasn’t working, nothing had changed. We can’t talk about anything serious with arguing. My guess would be 99.9% of the conversations we have end up with one of us getting mad. It’s really hard to communicate and try to work on things when this is happening.
Another of my hang-ups is the fact that we never go anywhere or do anything. It took me a long time to remember and realize that I used to go and do all the time. I was never at home, now I’m always at home and it’s driving me nuts. I hate it. Unfortunately, R is not good with the public, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything but when we do it’s always hectic.
The last issue to tackle is the restaurant and I don’t even want to go there right now.
So, here it is, most of my “dirty laundry” for everyone to see. These are some of the bigger problems that I feel R and I are battling. The reason I’ve been thinking of seeing a therapist is to find out why I’m acting and responding the way I am. I can sit back and pin-point exactly what I’m doing. I realize what I’m doing but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it or control it.

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

The truth is that we do not need pleasurable circumstances and events to evoke happiness with us. Happiness is within us at all times. Just as soon as we make the decision to be happy, regardless of our circumstances, it manifests.
No person, thing or circumstance controls our response to that person, thing or circumstance. We choose our own responses. We have complete control over our state of mind and happiness is a decision that we make between our ears.

“Knowing” that you are in complete and total control of your life, and that no one or no thing can have any control or influence over you without your permission puts you in the place of power.

13 Affirmations

I will explain everything later and in somewhat more detail but I’m sure that by now you know that I’m not happy and haven’t been happy. I know I’ve been unhappy in my current situation for over a year but I’ve been trying to just “hide” it. I’ve learned that this only works for so long. Eventually everything seems to blow up in your face and then you have a complete shit-storm to deal with instead. I have been looking for a counselor/therapist to see. I have finally realized and accepted that the problems are within me, not anyone else. So on that note, here are 13 daily affirmations that I’m going to try to instill in myself.

1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.

Signs & Baby Steps

I was reading an article in a magazine today and this was a quote in there:
The only person who can ultimately change that opinion for you is you. If you don’t change your mind, your mind will not get changed.

The past few weeks my life has been filled with “signs”, things that appear because they are supposed to be there for me to see and they make me feel better and more at peace with everything that’s been going on… anything and everything from someone saying something “random”, a song that comes on the radio at the “right” time, an email… (for those who don’t believe in all these “coincidences”, I can only imagine how ridiculous this must sound… I’m fine with that though, trust me). In one way I feel like it’s so bizarre, almost like life is surreal, that my thoughts and decisions are being validated, but maybe they are, maybe the universe knows that I need these signs. Something has to change, and I know this now, but the hard part is figuring out what part to change. Which leads me to this….
The baby steps… dc and I were talking about life and I made the comment that I would like a “life redo”…
M: I would like a life redo
D: Why?
M: So that I could change my life
D: Can’t you do that now?
M: Huh? What?!? (with a look of utter confusion on my face)
D: Start over, now, today, tomorrow. Trim the fat but take baby steps. Think about one small tiny thing that makes you unhappy. What purpose does it serve? Can you change it to make you happy, is it worth it? Fix it or get rid of it. Each thing you conquer builds you up in so many different ways.
M: Phenomenal!!

This might be plainly obvious to some people but apparently it’s not (or wasn’t) to me. I mean, I guess I know that you can always change stuff but I’m not sure exactly how to say this or whatever… maybe it’s because of the magnitude of what’s going on, that I’m not “supposed” to be thinking about changing stuff like this because it’s just wrong. All I know is that it took him saying that to me to fully understand and realize that I can change my life if I’m unhappy. I have the power to do it, I can do it, and there’s nothing wrong with starting small. I know that being able to be happy in one area of my life will so help with all the other areas. So onward change, here I come!