Tuesday, April 25, 2006

In the Closet

r and i were sitting here talking tonight about life and how we handle things... i said that his family made me nervous because i never know if they're going to call me out on something... not anything big, just anything... that makes me nervous, talk about anxiety... he said, well, your parents raised you pg-13 and kept everything in the closet, even though un-pg-13 things were happening... i was part of it... i think mom and dad "knew" what i was doing, for the most part, and to be honest, it wasn't that bad.. (it took me a while but i'm a good person now...) we don't talk about anything... high school, my senior year, december-ish... my solution, don't deal with it... blow it off... if it keeps trying to come back and you still don't want to deal with it and blowing it off isn't working, just drop it or pretend it never happened... i've done this recently and for that, i am truly sorry... i didn't realize that was how i handled things.. but it is... until r and i had this conversation i never realized that his family stressed me out because of that fear and i never realized that me just not dealing with things was really how i handled problems or really, how i ran away... r's family was very relaxed when he was growing up and they still are... they were never being punished (get this, he was NEVER grounded, not once that he can remember!!!! i can't tell you how much time i spent grounded... i think like cumulative 3 of my 4 years of high school)... his parents were always hanging out with people, partying, whatever... they got into "bitching" matches... the parents would bitch at the kids and then the kids would start bitching at the parents... i've seen it but it is so odd to me.. not exactly the same type of fights that my parents and i got into... now i'm not saying that my family didn't deal with things but we did and we didn't... we did in our way... we were punished, and i'm not disagreeing with that at all... better believe that my kids will get spanked!! i think that some of both worlds is something that we can both take away and utilize later on in life.... that's my opinion... i'm not saying it's a bad thing at all... to me it's a realization... i also realized that not dealing with things is not a good thing... it can almost destroy a very good friendship, luckily in my case my friend was a good enough person to keep trying... we haven't talked yet but i would like too soon... that makes me nervous as hell but man, i owe it to her... i need to deal with my "issues"... i just want it to be over and just end it... some things you can do that with, others you can't... i am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life to help me learn and grow... and also to forgive me....

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