Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Summer Already

102! That's how hot it was here yesterday!!! 102 degrees!!! We tied the record high set in like 1942 or something. May 19th and it’s 102!!! The only downfall about living in Texas is the heat!!! It gets so damn hot here!!! Oh well, summer is officially here!!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Dirty Laundry

A month ago I gave R a letter that said I’m unhappy and here are the reasons why I’m unhappy. The letter wasn’t all, here’s what you’re doing wrong, it was here’s why I’m unhappy and what I’m feeling is happening to us. We talked and he is really making an effort to make things better. What I don’t understand is why isn’t this making me happy? Is it a little too late? Should I have said something sooner? What is my problem?
There are so many issues I feel are causing problems in our relationship. He brought up a good point the other day. We were married in June 2003 and my back problems started in August 2003. The problem was finally fixed in August 2007 but I’m still not back to 100%. I don’t know if part of the problem we are having is us trying to have a normal relationship after all the back problems, you know, like finding a “routine” that works for both of us.
About a month before I gave him this letter, he “cornered” me one day and we had a “talk”. We needed to communicate more because we don’t communicate well and all our talks end up in fights. Then a month later I gave him the letter because what we talked about wasn’t working, nothing had changed. We can’t talk about anything serious with arguing. My guess would be 99.9% of the conversations we have end up with one of us getting mad. It’s really hard to communicate and try to work on things when this is happening.
Another of my hang-ups is the fact that we never go anywhere or do anything. It took me a long time to remember and realize that I used to go and do all the time. I was never at home, now I’m always at home and it’s driving me nuts. I hate it. Unfortunately, R is not good with the public, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything but when we do it’s always hectic.
The last issue to tackle is the restaurant and I don’t even want to go there right now.
So, here it is, most of my “dirty laundry” for everyone to see. These are some of the bigger problems that I feel R and I are battling. The reason I’ve been thinking of seeing a therapist is to find out why I’m acting and responding the way I am. I can sit back and pin-point exactly what I’m doing. I realize what I’m doing but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it or control it.

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

The truth is that we do not need pleasurable circumstances and events to evoke happiness with us. Happiness is within us at all times. Just as soon as we make the decision to be happy, regardless of our circumstances, it manifests.
No person, thing or circumstance controls our response to that person, thing or circumstance. We choose our own responses. We have complete control over our state of mind and happiness is a decision that we make between our ears.

“Knowing” that you are in complete and total control of your life, and that no one or no thing can have any control or influence over you without your permission puts you in the place of power.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

13 Affirmations

I will explain everything later and in somewhat more detail but I’m sure that by now you know that I’m not happy and haven’t been happy. I know I’ve been unhappy in my current situation for over a year but I’ve been trying to just “hide” it. I’ve learned that this only works for so long. Eventually everything seems to blow up in your face and then you have a complete shit-storm to deal with instead. I have been looking for a counselor/therapist to see. I have finally realized and accepted that the problems are within me, not anyone else. So on that note, here are 13 daily affirmations that I’m going to try to instill in myself.

1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Signs & Baby Steps

I was reading an article in a magazine today and this was a quote in there:
The only person who can ultimately change that opinion for you is you. If you don’t change your mind, your mind will not get changed.

The past few weeks my life has been filled with “signs”, things that appear because they are supposed to be there for me to see and they make me feel better and more at peace with everything that’s been going on… anything and everything from someone saying something “random”, a song that comes on the radio at the “right” time, an email… (for those who don’t believe in all these “coincidences”, I can only imagine how ridiculous this must sound… I’m fine with that though, trust me). In one way I feel like it’s so bizarre, almost like life is surreal, that my thoughts and decisions are being validated, but maybe they are, maybe the universe knows that I need these signs. Something has to change, and I know this now, but the hard part is figuring out what part to change. Which leads me to this….
The baby steps… dc and I were talking about life and I made the comment that I would like a “life redo”…
M: I would like a life redo
D: Why?
M: So that I could change my life
D: Can’t you do that now?
M: Huh? What?!? (with a look of utter confusion on my face)
D: Start over, now, today, tomorrow. Trim the fat but take baby steps. Think about one small tiny thing that makes you unhappy. What purpose does it serve? Can you change it to make you happy, is it worth it? Fix it or get rid of it. Each thing you conquer builds you up in so many different ways.
M: Phenomenal!!

This might be plainly obvious to some people but apparently it’s not (or wasn’t) to me. I mean, I guess I know that you can always change stuff but I’m not sure exactly how to say this or whatever… maybe it’s because of the magnitude of what’s going on, that I’m not “supposed” to be thinking about changing stuff like this because it’s just wrong. All I know is that it took him saying that to me to fully understand and realize that I can change my life if I’m unhappy. I have the power to do it, I can do it, and there’s nothing wrong with starting small. I know that being able to be happy in one area of my life will so help with all the other areas. So onward change, here I come!

Monday, May 05, 2008


I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking… working on trying to figure out what makes me happy. This isn’t really a “coherent” post, more just like a collection of things I’ve found in random places that I think are appropriate and that fit here. Lessons I’m trying to learn, values to instill in myself, random things. I’m working on changing to be a better and happier person.

Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.

Christopher Robin said to Pooh: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time, often just one baby-step at a time and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. Stop waiting..... There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

You can learn to accept change with equanimity, absorbing each phase in stride and learning from each new experience. Instead of running for the hills each time a change arises, deal with change in three distinct stages: Loosen your grip, separate your feelings, and tap into wisdom. Learning to make peace with life's calamities—lost jobs, romances, dreams—does not mean you have to be passive.

"No matter where the problem is, how acute it may be, or how difficult the person may be, there is in the final analysis no one to change but yourself." - - Joseph Murphy

I kept looking for ways to fix the outside world so that I would enjoy it more. The problem is - the outside world is very resistant to being "fixed", especially the people in it. They seem to resent it if you try. What I know now is that none of those problems were outside me at all. As Joseph Murphy says, there was never anyone to change but me. And when I finally got miserable enough, I became willing to start work on myself. Here's the interesting part - as soon as I stopped blaming God and everyone else for my problems and took full responsibility for what I had created, my life began to change. I didn't see it at first, but I can sure see it now as I look back to that point 15 years ago. It reminds me of a little saying that I saw years ago - "My, how you've changed, since I changed." All that stuff I fought about in the outside world seemed to take care of itself when I started taking care of myself. So why am I telling you this story? Well, if there's any person, place or thing in your life that you think needs to be changed, why not think of it as a sign that there is something in you that needs work? Then ask that guiding Spirit within you what needs to be done, in you.
That doesn't mean that there is never any action to be taken in the outside world. It just means that you accept full responsibility for the situation being in your life, and you take corrective action without blame. You act in love, for yourself and others.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

My Motto

So recently I decided that I was going to start working on myself… making myself a better person (working on my self-esteem issues along with other things) and start taking better care of myself…
I’ve been walking after work several times a week and I am really enjoying it so far… of course summer isn’t here yet so we’ll see how much I enjoy it when it’s a million degrees outside… hopefully by then I will be in a routine so it won’t be so “horrible”… I need to start eating better but I have to go to the store before I can do that and I am so not wanting to go to the store…
Anyways let’s get to the point… I have about a ton of music downloaded at home… last night I was trying to get out of my sad funk so I started randomly picking some tunes to listen to… I came across this song and realized I had never listened to the whole thing before so I cranked it up because I knew I really liked the chorus… thanks to Ja Rule and his song “New York New York” I am inspired… this has become my new motto:

“You can't take shit for granted, life is too short...
I'm not cocky, I'm confident
if you tell me I'm the best it's a compliment”

Oh yeah, I spent the majority of last night trying to figure out how to add tunes to my blog… no luck so far but I’m still working on it… I’m hoping to figure out how I can add a playlist…