Stopping By

i just thought i'd stop by and say hi... check in... there hasn't been much of anything going on... i thought since i was off work i'd probably be a blogging fool... not so much... all i've been doing is walking and working a little... km brought over an accounting program and i'm going to start helping them keep books... i'm excited about that... plus, added bonus, the accounting program will make my life so much easier keeping everything for the restaurant... this will be the last week i actually have to "do" payroll the old way... which is awesome!! (read: i won't be stressed all weekend long until i have payroll done!).... YES!!
my first post-op appt went great... he told me everything was looking good... i go back on the 18th for my 2nd post-op appt... he told me to walk 3-5 miles a day... woah!! that's a lot of miles in one day!! needless to say, i've been working on getting to the 3 mile mark... i was using my gazelle (yes, tony little's gazelle)... today i started using my walk away the pounds dvd... this i like... i can handle this... in less than 20 minutes i can walk a mile in my house... 30 minutes you can walk 2 miles and in 45 minutes you can walk 3 miles... since it's considering "aerobic" walking i started with 1 mile.. i can always walk 1 mile more than once... so, my goal is to work up to 3 miles... i knew after the surgery walking would become an everyday part of my life... i'm just still trying to get used to that... ugh, exercise... i've been stretching too... it's amazing how much flexibility i've lost... before the surgery i could put my hands on the floor without bending my knees, pretty much fold in half... i've just come to the point where i can actually put lotion on my feet if i'm sitting down... oh well, all i've got is time... and that's what it's going to take... being pain free though is worth it!! i just need to keep remembering where i "came from"...
i've started being more conscious of what i'm eating (most of the time)... i've been thinking about joining weight watchers again... i lost 49.5 lbs from january to the end of june at the beginning of 2006... i think i've done a damn good job keeping it off too (especially since we bought a restaurant!)... and i wasn't really doing much exercise when i lost all that weight either... so i was thinking, if i started watching what i eat and keep walking maybe i will lose more weight!! i did like weight watchers though... at least for the accountability...
on the kitty front, mazzy has managed to clean herself up... she's just discolored now... poor dirty kitty... she keeps wanting to go back out in the garage though... um, no!!
the restaurant is rocking along nicely... R is going to have to fire some dead weight tomorrow so that should be interesting... we already know it's not going to go well... whatdaya do though?
i'm not going to complain that there hasn't been much going on though... i will take not much over stressed out anyday!!! i just need to keep that in mind too... things are good though...
today's positive thought is: HANG IN THERE..... YOU CAN DO IT.

Million Dollar Question

yesterday Mazzy managed to get into something out in the garage... R and I let them go out on the back porch (screened in) or out into the garage as a treat... as of yesterday, the garage is now off limits... as I was saying, Mazzy managed to get into something out there and is now running around looking all dirty... (she is a dirty kitty though)... it's like some sort of oil or grease something or other... and here's my confusion, Mazzy & Murphy have been going out in the garage forever!! Mazzy was going out there before we even had Murph.... and this has never been an issue before... so we tried making a kitty burrito and then pulling out the paw so i could wash it off but that didn't work.. the water hit her paw and she was out... i have been "slashed" across my belly (thankfully not by the incision area!)... she is a dirty kitty though!!! she is all dirty!! her fur is all sticky and matted... and I have no idea what to do!! so, this is the million dollar question... what do we do? do we try to give her a bath? and if so, how?!?! i would need a full body suit of armor, including some sort of goggles... (maybe I could just let her lick a xanax and then we could give her a bath... j/k!!)

Mazzy

i had completely forgotten until this morning... Mazzy loves to "ride" on R's turntables (record players)... R dj'd for a long time and he still has all his vinyl... i love vinyl, the cracks, hisses, & pops... it's not near as "clean" sounding as cd music but i still love me some vinyl!! anyways, years ago R was playing records and while I was on the computer in the back room... Mazzy jumped on the computer desk and then onto the table that R's turntables are on... then she proceeded to jump onto one of his turntables... R, being the character that he is, turns it on.. at first Mazzy jumped off but as you think about the relationship between curiosity and a cat, she jumped right back up for another look... so now, she likes to "ride the turntables"... she's too cute... Murphy isn't quite sure what to think of the turntables yet but if you look really close in the first pic on the left hand side you can see a tiny bit of his face and whiskers...

Catching Up

so what else has been going on in courtney's world besides all the back stuff... i know that's all i've blogged about in forever...

the kitties: are doing most excellent... they are still adorable and have been doing a good job keeping me company (read: sometimes driving me crazy) while i've been home...

R: i must give him props for his helping me out (read: doing everything around the house) and putting up with me... he hasn't even been griping about it... and that's very unusual... i keep apologizing to him for him having to do everything and he keeps saying, it's ok, i don't mind, don't worry about it, it's no big deal... he has been wonderful the past few weeks....

work: when i left on the 3rd it was all good... they've called to ask a few questions and to check in on me... it's really nice to have a boss that cares about you as a person and doesn't just think you're a number...

the Cedar Tree: is going good... we changed up the menus... we had just been using a copy of the menu that was there when we bought it.. we changed it up a little bit but basically it was the one that "came with" the restaurant... i know i mentioned it but our one year anniversary was july 31st! YEAH for us!!

me (besides the back): about 2 weeks before the surgery i started getting really nervous... and when i get really nervous i get really bitchy and irritable and my tummy and i were not getting along... i would put something, anything in it and it would just spit it right back out... i ended up calling my head shrinker and asking him if there was anything we could do so i could survive the next week (and actually be a semi-productive person)... anyways, now that the surgery is over with, i feel so much better! i'm so happy!! i've been irritable because of the pain meds but i really think that's the only reason... i am still so amazed that i am pain-free!!! (when i say pain-free i mean not 100% but damn near close- oh what, 99% pain free- coincidence? that carl's number! :) ) i can say one thing though, my appetite is back and i think i'm trying to make up for all the lost food... i have been eating like it's no one's business!! dang!! i've been out of the house once since i came home on the 8th and that was last thursday to go to walmart with momma... my first post-op is tomorrow... we'll see what he has to say...

anything else: i've just been reading... learning, growing... looking for the calm in the midst of it all... which brings me to this... so, i've been learning/growing for several years now... i am working on blogging about, a summation maybe?

i suppose that's about it... the back has been the "big" thing going on... now that all of that is on the upswing it seems that right now life is pretty drama free... and i will take that!!

Stopping By

You would think with me being off work I would have blogged more than I have… every little thing makes me tired but I’m working on getting my energy and strength back… and each day I have felt better and better!!! Momma and I went to walmart the other day, my first outing since she brought me home, and I had to wear my back brace but you know what, I don’t care… I was walking around PAIN FREE!!!!
Tuesday is my first post-op appointment… I’m not sure what he’ll tell me but I’m excited… looking back, I understand why I was scared, but I’m so glad I went ahead with it… it is so amazing to be pain free!! Absolutely amazing!! Anyways, I’ll be back soon… I just wanted to let you know that I’m absolutely wonderful!!! Better than I have been in years!!!

Much Better

i am feeling so much better... i woke up this morning and felt pretty good... that's a first for me in a while... i'm really excited about feeling better though, i am going to try to shower today by myself (R will be here if i do need some help).... and then i'm going to go "walking and reading"... i've blogged a little over the past week but have not had the energy or the comfort to read any blogs... now that things are on the upswing though it's time to play a little catch-up... not just with the blogs either, restaurant stuff, pay bills, fun stuff like that.... but you know what, it'll get done though and right now i don't think i'll even mind doing it!!

p.s.. as far as i can tell, the only pain in my back is still around the L5/S1 area where the fusion was done... no pain like before though!!!

Back Home

yeah, i'm back home!!! momma and i got home about 7 last night... the stay wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be... i was doing some physical therapy and walking while i was there... re-learning things that i've done my whole life... everything was going really good until tuesday night... about 3 i started throwing up... (and i had no idea that things such as couching, laughing, trying to the go the bathroom, and throwing up would be so difficult and painful... actually it never occurred to me how much i use my abs)... they told me on wednesday that i could go home if i could stop getting sick... i think most of it was my nerves, leaving the hospital, and the 2.5 hour drive home... we made it though!! i actually slept most of the way home (and momma was laughing at me because i talk in my sleep)... i could not imagine not having momma there... man, she was (and still is) a lifesaver!! everytime i got up she was there, in the the middle of the night, while i was throwing up, helping me get to the bathroom..poor momma, she had to help me shower too... she came over this morning and brought some groceries and then helped me shower, and then changed the dressing over my incision... she is so wonderful!!
the incision is looking good!! and this is the best part, i still have no pain in my back and legs!!! the L5/S1 area is super sensitive but that's to be expected and the belly pain from the incision will heal too!! i'm off to do some walking (and then rest some) but no worries, it's all going even better than i was hoping it would!!

In the Hospital

i'm in the hospital but the nurses are calling me the miracle child... i've been up & down out of bed today... the first time i had to get up was bad... i thought what did i get myself into ??? it is getting much easier to get in & out of bed though... when the physical therapist came in we walked down the hall and i was in shock, i had no back pain or leg pain, only pain from the incision... i've been doing my breathing treatments & p.t. exercises... to be honest, i feel much better than i thought i would.... i just wanted to check in because i am so excited!!

Getting Ready

my to-do list is complete, with the exception of packing, and i suppose you could say i'm getting ready to go... i am nervous as hell... no lie, scared out of my mind... but i know it will all be ok after monday morning... right now that seems like so long away... yesterday jw and i went to get a pedicure and manicure- no polish on the fingers, just buffed... km and her sister took me out to eat to help me get my mind off of everything... i think we're leaving about 5:30 (after the race is over!)... i'm up at 5 in the morning to get ready so we can be at the hospital at 6.... surgery is at 7... i'm not sure when i'll be able to get on here again, hopefully soon! the hospital has wireless thruout it and i think momma is taking their laptop... here is the link to the hospital if you're interested... the amentities sound good!!
http://www.ppcds.com/

A Funny

Flour and Water
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?
and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?
NEED AN ANSWER?
You know damn well where it went! That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!!

Once Again

lately i've been doing a lot of thinking about everything that's been going on, what i've been trying to "learn" over the past three years or so, and of course, am i making the right decisions? what i've been learning and working on embracing is that the universe will give you what you need when you need it... the universe will take care of you... i have been trying to figure out how to just "accept" and "know" this...

here is my horoscope for today:
When it comes to making decisions about your life circumstances you may feel less than confident, and this hesitation could affect the ways in which you approach things today. It might be that your indecision is due to a fear of making a mistake that could have an undesirable impact on your life. If you can remind yourself that first the universe will take care of you and that everything you do is a learning experience and can only be a resource for greater understanding of your life, you could find that whatever action you take will lead you further along your path. Being able to let go of the fear you may have and opening up to the knowledge you can gain could make you feel much more positive about the choices you face today. No matter what we do, we always have something to gain from our actions. It can be scary to make a firm choice about things, but if we put things into perspective, we will see that the choices that face us are usually not nearly as urgent as we might make them. Learning to let go of this sense of urgency and uncertainty today will help you recognize that since you can never be certain of an outcome, everything you do is an unknown and you can gain knowledge about yourself and the world as a whole from any choice you make.

Hhhhmmm.....

Drats!!! I had a really good blog going until I hit some random combo of keys and it deleted it all!!! And oh-so-smart me hasn’t figured out how to “recover” a lost blog, if that’s even possible… so now I’m starting over…
I seems like it’s been forever since I’ve blogged about anything other than my back… my back has pretty much been consuming the majority of my thoughts… I just keep thinking, am I really doing the right thing? It’s hard for me to not question myself when so many people say things along the lines of, you’re having BACK surgery??? I don’t think I could ever do that… I have no response for that… I’m just thinking, you know, I don’t think I would ever say something like that to someone who is having the procedure done, or is at least seriously considering it… (right now that would be like me saying, you want to have KIDS??? to someone who’s already pregnant… right now my motto is: cats not kids)… I’m already scared to death and nervous as hell about it… Mom and I go down to Plano again on Monday for our “teach and learn” on the surgery, to get fitted for my back brace, and then to have all my pre-op tests done… I’m going to have the surgery done though… considering my only other choice is to live with it… having the surgery is the best choice I have…
On other lines though… I only have 4 days of work left… I’ve been training J since he’s going to be me while I’m out… I’ve been working on a “list” of everything I do and it seems like I’ll think of one more thing to add which then just leads to four more things… I just hope I’m doing a good job training him… I’m worried about that but it’s not like he can’t just call me… I just don’t want T thinking I did a horrible job training him…

A Positive Note: Tuesday, July 31st is our 1 Year Anniversary (of being open) at the Cedar Tree!!!! I think something like 90% of most businesses don’t survive the first year, YEAH!!! We made it!!! Granted, we still have a long way to go but that’s ok!! We are changing prices today though… our prices now are way old… we’re not going up on everything though… one of our competitors had a price increase this last week but it was a major increase and we were slammed this week… it was insane!! But like I said, we’re not raising prices much…

I suppose I should go shower now so that I can start laundry as well as my ten mile long list of things to-do this weekend… in addition to the normal stuff, I have the menu changes to do as well as two tax reports to get together and get ready to mail Tuesday… if I was working Monday I’d just do them then but I’m not and I’m not sure what Monday’s going to bring so I figure doing them this weekend is probably the safest bet… so I’m off to get this party started…

Stuck

so today i was lucky enough to get to make another trip to plano (please note the heavy sarcasm!)... ok, so r takes me to my appt today (and he was surprisingly supportive!)... i wasn't sure how it was going to go only because it was going to be his "first day away from the restaurant"... don't get me wrong, i was nervous too but i knew they could handle it... (by the way, everything went fine)... he "warned" me last night he might be a little high strung because he'd probably be thinking about the restaurant and what's going on since he's not there... so that was another thing i was nervous about... (if he was worried he didn't show it) we had a good time despite the fact that my back hurt so bad and we were going to a dr. appt... it hurts to laugh and he had me rolling... omg... so not only was the car ride rough on the back so was the laughter... but the laughter was such a good thing, i haven't laughed that hard in a long time!!
anyways, when i talked to the back institute yesterday the nurse said that dr. h would probably want to look at my back since it was still hurting extremely bad from the discogram... (i have been in tears every day since last tuesday because of my back, i can't even tell you... i'm trying not to think about it honestly)... i also thought i made an appt to "learn" about the surgery... (that's what they say, they "teach" you...) so, that's what i thought r and i were going to do... um, no, apparently i was wrong... (i should have known when the receptionist didn't really know what was going on)... BUT, we did find out that it is my last disc that is "broken"... i asked him what was wrong with it, like herniated or bulging, and all he said was that it is a bad disc that is causing me pain... um, ok... but, he did write this, yes it is long but it is very interesting... (lately backs and such have been interesting but i need to know and learn what is going on with me)
Our History


so, i have chosen to have a spinal fusion done by Stephen H. Hochschuler, M.D. .. right now thinking about it makes me want to throw up... oh wow, what fun it sounds like... here's excellent information if you're interested... btw, the back institute uses and supports this website it gives me a pretty good idea of what to expect... http://www.spine-health.com/topics/surg/mlsf/mlsf01.html i am having the anterior lumbar fusion which means that he is going in thru my belly!!! why you ask?!?! ah, so they can just "move your abs and organs out of the way" and it "reduces healing time and blood loss?" ok..
plus, i really don't want to have to see the incision(s) and stitches or whatever holds me together... (my tummy is just rolling)... screws, rods, and bone grafts are all part of it as well... (excuse me while i get sick)... i'm really confident in dr. h's abilities and his competency though... it's not "his" part that worries me... it's "my" part... but this is my only option besides just living with it... whadda ya do? i just need to "grow a spine" and do it... hehehe... so as of now, the schedule is:
monday, july 30th- 11:00- teaching time (i think it's a 60 minute video and then you ask questions); 1:00- back brace fitting (omg!!! i have to wear a back brace!!! i think i should pull out some headgear and oooohhhh LA Gear... H-O-T!! ok, i know, it's not forever but i still feel nerdy, once again, i should have known!); 2:00- pre-op blood work across the street
monday, august 6th- surgery... i have no idea what time but i imagine it will be across the street where the bloodwork is at... (and it seems they have a ton of presbyterian hospitals in the metroplex... is it like that in all big cities??)

i asked about how long i'd be off work and was told today 4 to 6 weeks... i am not looking forward to telling t that... but i know we can get it all worked out... j and rrll can do my stuff while i'm gone...
i will know more in a few days, they are mailing me some info and then on the 30th when i go down there i'll know "everything".... i'm not "locked in" but i am scared as hell... you always hear horror stories about back surgeries... but after reading everything on the back institutes website about a million times i'm becoming more ok with everything...

Flood Pics

i have been trying to get pics of WF flooded... i was reading the newspaper online and came across three different links to flood pics... check them out... this was my city at the end of june/beginning of july... it was crazy!!! (as much as i hate to admit it, i guess the city had good reason to cancel the firworks...)

aerial pics:
http://web.timesrecordnews.com/xml_slideshow/flood/aerial/damage.html

more pics:
http://web.timesrecordnews.com/xml_slideshow/flood/damage.html

and these are the pics that the newspaper took:
http://web.timesrecordnews.com/xml_slideshow/flood/Flood_Web_Slideshow/

Another Trip to Plano

so i had to go back down to plano today to have another test done on my back... i had a discogram done... the only good thing about this test is that you will know immediately if your back pain is being caused by a disc... mine is... long procedure short: the dr. sticks three needles into three discs in your back (specified by your dr.) and then injects dye into each of them one at a time, looking for 3 specific things... if the disc is "good" you won't feel anything... if the disc is "bad" you will feel pain... my first two discs are good... the third disc was bad... but, before you go in to have the procedure done the assistant tells you, this test is meant to cause pain, that is it, that is the only reason for the test... we are purposely irritating the disc and you will hurt/be really sore for a few days... nice, because that's something you always want to hear right before you're about to have the test done... i have never ever ever experienced pain like that and i hope with everything inside me that i never have to again!! like i said though, at least we learned (and confirmed) where the pain is coming from...
i did get to see my back dr. about the results of my discogram today though... that was a good thing, it saved us another trip to the back institute... and to the best of my memory, this is all that dr. h said after he asked me where/if the discogram hurt me... basically you have two options... option 1: do nothing and learn to deal with the pain or option 2: surgery...
under option 2: surgery there are two more options... sub-option 1: a spinal fusion (http://www.texasback.com/spin_fus.htm) or sub-option 2: an artificial disc replacement...
then he said, we'll get you more information on these options and then you can make a decision... apparently when he said we'll get you more information he didn't mean today... that was it... that was all he said, besides recommending the fusion over the artificial disc... then momma and i discovered that ah ha, we'll have to make another appt to come back so that we can watch an hour long video and then what?? 5 hours of driving... ok, i am starting to veer off into the way negative... (deep breaths, deep breaths)
so today i found out that it is a disc causing my pain and now i know what my options are... this is where i'm at and this is all i know... i'm going to do some searching online to see what i can find... after i get my ice pack though...
(yeah, it sucks but everything happens for a reason right?!?! we can always take something positive from every situation yes?!?! i'm trying though, i really am!!!)

Two More

i know, i know, the helmet is still there in the first pic!! i had no idea how many pics there were of him with his helmet on!! but you can still see how blue his eyes are!! :o)

I LOVE NASCARL!!

No one is perfect but 99 is close enough!!

i know, horribly horribly cheesy... could it get any worse? probably but we'll save that for another day!

More Carl Pics

Carl getting ready to race!!! how can you resist those baby blues? his eyes just sparkle!!! i just had to share!!

Daytona

sorry, this whole post is all nascar... just wanted to give you a heads up.... :o)

the nascar cup race was last night and i must say that it was an excellent race... very good to watch!! a photo finish... and i must say that carl's teammate (jamie) wouldn't have won the race if carl and his other teammate, greg biffle- who r roots for, hadn't pushed him... racing at daytona is fun to watch though... you have to bump draft and it is so exciting!! anyways, several of the guys in the race to the chase had a bad night...carl got 4th and moved up one spot in the chase... he's now in 6th!!! we're having such a good year!! anyways, last night was a good race! carl did excellent and the roush guys did a really good job working as a team!!

on a different note, sorta, roush racing has also teamed up with fenway (boston red sox)... i got to watch carl throw out the first pitch the other night... this is such a good pic of the roush guys.... this next week we'll be racing at chicagoland!! i can't wait!!!

I Like This

If you look at what you do not have in life, you don't have anything, If you look at what you have in life, you have everything. -Unknown

Deep In Thought

day 2 of vacation!! i get to go see my psychiatrist today... i've been "preparing" for that... it probably sounds stupid but it's like i try to prepare what i'm going to say to him... it never works that way, but i usually try... anyways, i was checking my mail and came across this:

There are thousands of happy uplifting moments in our lives that we miss because we are so busy with the business of being unhappy.


very nice and so true! i need to keep that in the front of my mind!!
anyways, i created a whole new to-do list last night so after my dr. appt i am going to start working on that!!

4th of July

sitting at the vet's office today, i had the chance to watch the news... first let me say, i love fireworks!!! well, the firework shows, i'm really not too big on anything but sparkers... last year the fireworks were kinda lame... the year before we didn't have any because "the city didn't budget for it"... which brings me to watching the news and what i found out... the city has cancelled the fireworks this year... because of the weather... they're saying everyone that does the fireworks is overworked because of all the weather lately... this is where i'm stuck... ok, yes, w.f. was declared a disaster area on friday because of all the flooding but not all of the city is flooded (as snobbish as that might sound! and i don't mean it that way either)... and yes, we have been getting rain every day, not all day everyday just every day, for the past 17 days or so... but at least for once we wouldn't have to worry about it being too dry!! and don't you think that the city could have found some (qualified) volunteers to set off the fireworks?!?! i mean surely they can't be that difficult!! i personally think this is just the city's way of getting out of the fireworks...

when i was little the fireworks were so good... i think our air force base used to do them... i could sit on the rooftop or in the swimming pool and watch them... we were so close to them too... it was like they were right above you... that is one of my most favorite peaceful happy memories... me, laying in the still pool, floating on my back, watching the fireworks explode right above me against the black sky... with no cares or worries in the world... just watching a magnificent show that seemed like it was being put on just for me... i know this is one reason why i love a good fireworks show!! it makes me think of being a kid again, it brings back that memory and that time of simple happiness... when everything was right with the world...

V-E-T

today was my first day of vacation as well as the kitties annual trip to the vet... i went ahead and took them today so that i could get it over with and stop dreading it... r brought the carriers in last night and we put towels in the bottom as well as some catnip hoping to make the carriers a positive experience... of course as soon as mazzy saw the carriers she disappeared... poor murph, he's only been to the vet one other time, last year, and i don't think he remembered what the carriers were for... murph was so good and so easy to get into the carrier... the only time he "complained" was when mazzy was getting loud in the car... mazzy on the other hand fought me tooth and nail... both hands were bleeding, one is a pretty good size claw, and i have several holes in my t-shirt... mazzy, the carrier, and i ended up locked in the bedroom with me dragging her out from under the bed... then the claws and fur started flying again... we did get to the vet though... me with a bloody paper towel wrapped around my left hand! poor murphy!! he weighs 16lbs exactly!!! mazzy weighs 10lbs 8oz... now we are on prescription weight loss food... and i have to watch how much i feed them... the vet said to just slowly cut it back... this is going to be such a challenge for me!! i am horrible at giving in to them!! now that our annual trip to the vet is over i can relax and have a good vacation!!!

Carl's Quotes

"I learned through trial and a lot of error that you can't make things happen faster than they're going to happen, you can only do the best job you can," he said.

"...That's the key is keep moving forward, not falling behind and digging yourself in a deeper hole, and that's been a good deal."

Edwards has learned to do the best that he can — and to let that be enough.

it sounds like i need to take some lessons from carl... (he was a teacher while he was looking for a ride.. hehe)

I LOVE NASCARL!!!

How Could I Forget This?!?!

in the midst of all my negativity and feeling sorry for myself, i completely forgot that carl edwards, my nascar driver, won last sunday's race (father's day sunday).... i was looking for a new pic to put on my desktop and what better than to put a pic of my smoking hot race car driver... and he's having such a good year this year!! anyways, if you're interested there is a very good article you can find here about carl... (i found it touching, but i've also been very emotional lately)...
Carl Edwards ends 52-race losing streak on Father's Day

Um....

the week was ok... better than last week i think... i don't know, it seems like it's been hard for me to keep up everything lately... life and time just kinda seem to be running together (and flying by!!)...
tuesday momma and i had to go back to plano to the back institute to get the results of my neurology tests... almost a 2.5 hour drive for a 25 minute visit... not that i should really be surprised though... on july 10th i go back down for a discogram but the good news is that i get the results of the test later that day... they told me to schedule it so that we only had to make one trip down... here is what webmd says about a discogram:
a medical procedure that involves injecting a dye into the jellylike center of a spinal disc to help diagnose back problems. During discography, a health professional evaluates the amount of pressure needed to inject the dye into the disc, whether it causes pain that is the same as your regular pain, how much dye is used, and how the dye appears on X-ray once it is inside the disc.

my friend, jw, had a discogram done and she said it was horrible... it will only be bad if my disc is causing my pain... (hers was a disc and she said that it lit her up!!)... i'm not looking forward to this but at least we will know if it is a disc that's acting up...
it seems like it's been raining here forever... i think it's been raining for the better part of the last 2 weeks... (read: very unusual here in tx)... tuesday night we had a really bad storm (let me interject here- r slept thru all of it! i have no idea how!)... 90+ mph winds, rain, thunder, & lightening... i was awake most of the night thanks to the back, the kitties, and the storm... r's phone rang about 4:30 wednesday morning... it was our morning cook calling to say we had no power... most of i.p.'s power went out around 2am... the restaurant's did too... ah, the joys of being self-employed... i called txu and they said they were working on it but didn't have an estimated time of restoration... that's always a good sign! r and i both got up and went to work... i was sent home to work on payroll because yup, we had no power... needless to say, as soon as i got home, rrll called and said the power was back on so i packed up and went back to work... no power up at the restaurant though... we weren't the only ones without power though... my boss let us borrow a generator... r came and got it about 1:30 or so... otherwise we would have throw out all of the food... so r was on generator duty wednesday... we finally got power back around 6:15 wednesday evening... luckily our losses were minimal, especially compared to what they could have been...
friday night jw and i went and got a pedicure... friday morning my last pain patch fell off... ok, fine, i have 1 left which i'm saving for an "emergency"... i think a lot of what i'm feeling is in my head... maybe, maybe not? r told me that morphine is really addictive... no choice but to ride it out...
this is my last week of work before vacation!! YEAH!!! i am so excited that we are on vacation... (every year the week of the 4th of july and then between christmas eve and new years day, t shuts everything down and everyone is on vacation... plus, we're closed all the other holidays...) i just have to survive 5 more working days! then friday night i get an hour and a half massage from mary! right before vacation, i am really looking forward to that!!
anyways, i suppose i've done enough rambling for now...

Sick Day

i didn't work today... i felt really bad about it but there was no way i could have... i was sick... my tummy was upset and i couldn't quit throwing up... nice, i know but man, my tummy was killing me... cold chills & sweats... nausea, vomiting... it was rough... i hate getting tummy sick... that is the worst to me... anyways, i have only worked 2.5 days this week and i feel so bad about that... tomorrow i am going to bust my butt so hopefully i can get a major chunk of work done... i figure more than likely i'll have to stay late but that's ok but tomorrow night at 7:15 i get an hour massage from mary!! YEAH!!! also, there are only 2 more working weeks (read: 10 days- you can count the days on 2 hands!!) left until vacation!! being closed the week of the week of the 4th of july and then from the day before christmas eve to the day after new years day is awesome!! anyways, i have to get it in gear and play some major catch up at work... i just hope that the tummy is better now...

All Right....

we seem to be moving in the right direction, slowly, but at least we are moving... i left work at 1 today and met the plumbers at the house... they finished about 6 and told me to go ahead and call the gas company so they can head this way to turn the gas on... i call and the lady is like, nope, no city inspection was done, no gas... i am not a confrontational person and with everything else that's been going on lately i was in no mood to even try to argue with her... so i called r since he was the one who talked to them last night.... r calls them and not five minutes later the phone is ringing, it's r... the gas people will be over in a little bit to turn the gas on.... YES!!! so i'm waiting on the gas guy to get here... then when he does i'm sweating the pressure test since that's what failed us last time... we passed... so guess what, now we have our gas back on!!! who knew that getting your gas turned back on would be so exciting?!?! i must give it to r though... he is really the one who got it accomplished... all i did was stay here with the plumbers....

i must say though, as much as i hate to admit it, even with all the "problems" and "issues" i have, my life is not near as bad as it could be... thank you to everyone for sending kind thoughts and prayers my way...

In Addition...

and to continue the crappy weekend that has rolled over into the week when i got home from work today our gas company (well, there's really only one in town) was digging up the part of "our" yard between the sidewalk and the street... so they had turned our gas off... the guy is out here now to turn it back on but apparently has run into some problems... he's willing to overlook the copper pipes that are hooked up to our hot water heater but can't get something to hold pressure... so now, thanks to the stupid gas company we're going to have to call a plumber have him change out the copper lines, put shut off valves on all our gas appliances, and/after he gets a city permit... then we'll have to call the gas company back out to turn the gas back on...but, if they wouldn't have had to come out and turn our gas off none of this would have ever happened... and what really pisses me off, it's not like it was for non-payment... it was because they had a leak in their line... um, not my fault at all!!!! so why am i being punished?!?!?!
momma and i drove a total of about 5 hours today for a 25 minute dr. appt... now i have to call the back institute to schedule an appt to go and get the results from the neurologist and hopefully we'll know what's causing all the pain... i was stuck with needles and shocked... he said little shocks... um, not so much little... both legs were jumping off the table... it hurt like hell... i'm sure tomorrow will be nothing but fun recovering from the car ride and the needles and shocks (after taking a cold shower!)...
what in the hell have i done to "deserve" all this fun stuff?? i wish someone would please tell me so that i can be sure not to ever do it again!! i mean... just a little break please?!?!

Can I Catch a Break Please?

Do you ever have a weekend when absolutely nothing seems to go right and then it carries over into Monday… that was the kind of weekend I had and so far Monday morning has been the pits… I was in tears all weekend long because my back hurt so bad since I quit wearing the patch… last night I couldn’t take the pain anymore so I put another one on… plus, I was thinking about the 5 hour car ride I’m going to make down to Plano and back to see the neurologist… they called Friday to see if I could come in Monday… I’m looking forward to going hopefully so they can find out what’s wrong with me and what’s causing all the pain in my back and legs… at the same time, I’m dreading the car ride… my back hurt really bad Wednesday after km and I went down to the Texas Back Institute… and the dr. told me that when I saw the neurologist I was going to have “a battery of tests done”…. Oh yeah, to make things even better, I opened some mail this morning from Allstate and they denied every single one of my claims that I submitted for my car wreck… ok, I have paid Allstate on time, every single month, for 6 years now… plus, when I called my dr.’s office to get them to fill out some paperwork I was informed that “we don’t handle accident claims so he isn’t going to fill that out for you”… um, ok, thanks… mind you, this is the dr. who was working on the herniated disc in my back for almost 4 years now and the dr. down at the back institute thinks this isn’t even what’s causing my pain… so now I just called the dr.’s office to see if I could get a copy of my medical records to send to Allstate and the turn around is only 15 days but you have to mail your request in…. even though I’m only working 1.5 hours today it is 1.5 hours too much… I walked in to a disaster and when I leave it’s going to be a disaster… things between R and I have been really tense and not so good lately but that’s a whole blog for another time… I am really trying hard not to freak out… I am just so tired of everything…

Texas Back Institute

today was my visit with my new back dr.... he is co-founder of the Texas Back Institute and is a spine surgeon... km drove me down to plano for my appt (we had fun.. it was a good road trip... the first one we've had in many years!!)... i was so nervous and knew without a doubt that he was going to tell me that i had to have surgery and that was pretty much my only option... the dr. that we met with was really nice... he did several tests, different things, having me walk on my toes then heels, pushing and resisting his arms with my hands, arms, legs, feet, testing my balance, testing my reflexes... he said i had brisk reflexes... i have no idea what this means only that "at your age, you shouldn't have brisk reflexes"... i'm going to try to do some research on this... he was also amazed, but not in a good way, of the medicine i was on... "fentanyl?? why?!?" fentanyl is basically a morphine patch... 5mcg's of morphine released into your body thru your skin for 3 days... i asked his opinion and he said, i would quit using the patches... i've only been on the patches for 2 months, maybe 3, so hopefully the comedown won't be too bad... hopefully... (i already feel like i don't want to do anything and that is certainly not going to help matters!!) anyways, back to the visit... we went and looked at my mri and x-rays... (he was showing us where and what everything was on the films and it was so neat!!!) he said based on the size of the herniated disc (the part that's bulging out) he doesn't really think that's what is causing my pain... he also said that my balance wasn't good... so, he wants me to go see a neurologist and have some tests done... to make sure that there's nothing really bad wrong... then i go back and see him and find out what the problem is and (hopefully) find out what our plan of action is... after he mentioned that he didn't think my lower back was causing the pain i told him about the headaches i used to have... i still do have them but not near as often (or because my back pain is so bad i'm not noticing the headaches)... my dr. thought they were sinus headaches for almost a year... obviously not... i'm having mixed emotions about this though... i just need to keep remembering, everything happens for a reason... i'm so glad that i finally have a competent dr. who knows what is going on but then i'm like, this has been going on for almost 4 years, i've wasted 4 years and who knows how much money, just thrown down the drain... so, that's pretty much the lowdown of my dr.'s appointment... good and maybe not really what i was wanting to hear but sometimes that just the way the ball bounces huh? it'll be ok though, i'm already becoming "more positive" with everything...

Suggestions Please?

i have been in dire need of 2 things lately that i cannot seem to find... any ideas or suggestions of where i can find these 2 things?!?! online preferably...
1- sheets.... last year r and i bought a king size bed with an over-sized mattress... i cannot for the life of me find any sheets that fit and that are good and comfy... no stiff sheets.... sheets are one thing i don't mind spending money on... i love good sheets!!!
2- capris... i need a good basic pair of denim capris... just like jeans but capris... and for some reason every where i look, i cannot find any capris... they're all like super low waist (can't do- i have a "muffin top"), skinny (another can't do), or crazy looking.... old navy used to be the place to get the capris i'm talking about and for two years no such luck...
i would appreciate any help at all!!! i seem to be lost!

Rambling...

Hhhhmmm…. Where to start I’m asking myself… I guess I should ask, where did I leave off? Ah yes, getting my tattoo!! So Saturday night I got my tattoo… Sunday we had our fellow “race friends” over to watch the NASCAR race…. Our “race friends” are km and her husband, and then km’s sister and her husband… we watched the race, ate Mexican food, and then birthday cake (with buttercream frosting!!)!!! it’s so yummy!!! Monday r and I went to momma and daddy’s house for my birthday… we grilled hamburgers and hot links… and then had more buttercream frosted birthday cake with tons of roses made out of icing!!! I was (ok, still am) in heaven!!! I love frosting!!! Does it really get any better?!?! nope!!! But I’m not a sweets junkie or anything (ha!!)… R and I came home and he mowed…. I worked on some restaurant stuff that I hadn’t done yet…. Then we just sat back, relaxed, and enjoyed the rest of our day off…. Another excellent bonus, that night Run’s House had two new episodes on… back to back… R and I love that show!!! Ah, Tuesday, dreading going back to work after a nice long very good (for the most part) 3 day weekend… but at least it is a short week…. 4 day work weeks are so awesome!!! Tuesday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist but when I got up Tuesday morning I was way emotional…. Tuesday was a rough day for me… anyways, I called my head shrinker and we had an “over the phone” appointment… very nice, saved me my co-pay! I told him that I wasn’t really “feeling” my back dr. anymore… I felt like things had changed since he got a new dr. in his office… it’s a super long story about what happened to his old partner… anyways, since the new dr. has been there I feel like my dr. has changed… my head shrinker told me that I wasn’t the first person he had heard this from… the only reason for me bringing all this up is to lead to here: I have been contemplating going down to the Texas Back Institute to maybe have something more permanent done to my back instead of having to get the cortisone shots however often I would need them… the only reservation I had was leaving my back dr… up until this year I loved him… he was awesome… he always made me feel like he really cared and wasn’t just kinda rushing me thru like cattle in a shoot just to make his money… lately though, that’s how I’ve felt… anyways, when my psychiatrist told me that my mind was made up… I was going to call my back dr. and ask for a referral down to the Back Institute… I had talked to my back dr. before about maybe going down there and he said if that was what I wanted to do he had no problem referring me down there… Wednesday morning I got a call from my back dr.s office… I have an appointment Tuesday!!! That is unbelievable that they got me in that fast!!! So next Tuesday I’m going to see a back surgeon… see what my options are so we can get this thing fixed… the pain is getting worse and it’s not so much my back hurting now as it is my legs… the nerves in my legs… I have no idea how to describe it except it feels like a burning, pinching, on fire feeling down my butt and down the back of both legs into my feet… whew.. I mean… I didn’t talk much Tuesday at work because I could tell I was going to just bust out crying if I did because the pain was so bad… I had to go to the store after work that night, there was no getting out of it… I had put it off as long as I could… anyways, I get thru at the store, load my junk in the car, and then I started bawling… I cried the whole way home, while I was unloading the groceries and feeding the kitties… I called momma, still bawling, and talked to her… then I went to bed… it’s not odd for me to nap but for me to actually get into bed, not just lay on it or on the couch, is very odd… r got home from work and I was in bed… I got up, did the register sheet, and went back to bed… the pain is still as bad but my attitude is getting better… and that helps…
On a very cute note, last night I was walking around the house and decided to see what the kitties were up too out on the back porch… I looked outside and there are 3 baby kittens out there!!! They’re not ewok’s kittens, I still haven’t seen hers, but they are adorable!!!!! They are so tiny you can hold them in one hand!!! I’d guess they are maybe 6 weeks old… there is a “smoke” gray one, another smoke gray one with white socks, and then a tabby with a white face and white socks…. They were out there playing with each other… running (well, sorta), tumbling, and just having so much fun!!! They had the prettiest green eyes too!!! ah, now I have “baby” fever…. Anyways, I guess I need to quit rambling and get to work… I need to pay some bills and take care of a few other things… then I’m going to see if I can split out of here to go get my mri & x-ray film for Tuesday….

Inked

this picture is my 29th b-day present from r... i have wanted to get a tattoo for ever!!! and of course, i finally thought of the most perfect thing... kitty paw prints!! what could be more perfect?!?!? absolutely nothing!!! when i take the kitties to the vet for their check-up in july i'm going to get them paw printed so i can get their actual paw prints tattooed on me!!!! i am really excited about that!!! let me say though, i LOVE my tattoo!!!! more soon!!! it's late and i'm SO tired!!!

Deep in Thought

So I just thought I’d update on my last blog… km took me out to eat last night at the olive garden for my birthday… dinner was really nice… it’s been a long time since km and I have just gotten to hang out and talk… after dinner I went home and when I walked in the front door I thought, silly r, why did he turn the lights off? Then I realized that the electricity was off… we had some storms yesterday but nothing that “severe” I thought… so I got to hang out on the back porch with the kitties… we watched the BYK’s (back-yard kitties) for a while… I would let Ewok in on the back porch for a bit off and on…. I was sitting there thinking, this sure is a waste of my time, when it suddenly occurred to me, you know, instead of looking at it like I’m wasting time I should look at it like, I get to spend QT time with the kitties… with hardly any distractions! My cell phone was down to half of my last bar so I couldn’t call anyone to chat… the house was a little on the warm side all closed up so I felt bad leaving the kitties in there so I could go to mom’s or something… it was nice outside though!! the electricity came back on a little before 9 though…. I don’t really want the electricity to go back out but I will make a big effort to spend more QT with the kitties…
Last night at dinner, km and I talked… we talked a lot about r- his attitude and what is going on with him… he’s been acting “crazy” for about a month… km listened and let me vent and then we worked on coming up with a “solution”… when r got home last night, and after he showered, we kinda started talking… I say kinda because it was a hesitant talk… like he didn’t really want to talk but he could tell that I wasn’t going to drop it… anyways, thanks to km, I have a few ideas that I’m going to put out there for r… so he doesn’t sit there and think about “how stressful tomorrow’s going to be” or “how shitty my life is”…. And I’m not blaming him by any means…. Right now he is going thru a stressful time, and he seems to deal with being overly stressed like I do… not very well… and this could be a “learning experience” for me… thinking back about the past month and r’s attitude, well, it reminds me of myself (not all the time though)… but the way he’s acting reminds me of the way I act… maybe this is an attempt for the universe to show me how he feels when I act like this… so that I can understand where he’s coming from and how he feels… I don’t think he developed bi-polar disorder over-night (but I could be wrong)…. I understand his whole, I hate the world/I am angry at the world attitude…. And it’s so easy to fall into the negative rut and not get out… getting out of the negative hole is much harder than getting into it….
One more thing… so I was blogging about my pills and patches…. That I need them right now to basically function… they both help keep the pain away (at least a little bit) and for sure keep the withdrawals away…. Which, right now, I’m not even sure that the pills and patches are working for me but from experience, I do not want to go thru withdrawals at work… no way, no how… but thanks to my punk-ass doctor that looks like what’s going to happen!! I am very upset about this, very upset… it’s probably very hard for some to understand unless you’ve been an addict before or have experienced withdrawals with someone close… depending on what you’re addicted too kinda depends on how severe and long the withdrawals will be… I’ve been on the pain pills for oh, only almost 4 years (so that shouldn’t be bad- HA!!) and the patches I haven’t been on that long but I can already tell that my body is physically addicted to the patches... I ordered a refill on my pills online Monday morning so that I could pick them up after work yesterday… I called the pharmacy to see if my prescription was ready, they said yes (they even sent me an email telling me my prescription was ready!)… excellent!! R went by after work to pick up my meds and he was told that they couldn’t be released until the 25th… which leaves me in a sticky situation…. I have no pills… absolutely none…. And I took my last one before I left work yesterday thinking I was getting more… the withdrawals have already started… maybe I should just say funk it and take the patch off, not get them filled, and just go cold turkey everything… I’m going to be sick… for the rest of the week… oh boy!! My only hope is that I can “borrow” some off a friend and then I can pay them back on Friday…
Anyways, you probably can’t tell but I really am working on trying to stay positive… to see the positive in things (like sitting outside with the kitties) and different life situations… Ironically, here is my horoscope today:
Build up the strengths in your life rather than tearing yourself down. It's easy to get caught up in the negative, but it's not inevitable. Focus on your strengths rather than your perceived weaknesses.

And It All Falls Down....

you know when there are times in your life when everything, and i mean everything, that could possibly go wrong, goes wrong... that would be where i am at right now... i know that there are many many things that i have going for me (and in my life) that i am grateful for but right now these things are not on my mind... all i can think about is all the crap that's going on... my work, the restaurant, r, r and i, family issues, my back, everything... and it seems like there is so much going on... i feel like i am "stuck" right now and i don't like it... and i feel like i have so much to blog, that i need to blog, but just don't have the desire or energy.... i sure wish i did... everything that is going on in my life right now is a challenge.... and i know that the universe will never give us more than we can handle... but me feeling this way, being so negative, and getting so caught up in all the "bad" things that are going on (and not being able to let the negativity go) i'm not allowing myself to use any of the knowledge that i've been learning over the past 2 years... anyways, i was trying so hard to stay positive, and i'm still trying, i just feel overwhelmed right now...

• both momma and daddy called me today and asked me to call my grandma... not momma's mom but daddy's mom... i blogged about her occasionally and it was probably not ever anythng very nice... anyways, i know that she's in the hospital, and has been in the hospital, and doesn't seem to be doing very good so they called my brother and i both to see if we would call her... to those who don't know how i feel about my grandma this is probably going to sound pretty harsh but for them both to call both of us, i think/wonder if she's about to die... i think i have blogged about something along these lines recently, dunno for sure though, i can't remember, which ties in quite nice with this next little blurp...


• my back hurting so bad has led to my physical addiction to my morphine patches and pain pills... my tolerance is growing and for me to feel "good"/"normal" enough or to have enough energy to do anything i have to take the pills and wear the patches... slowly increasing the number of pills because of my tolerance rising... otherwise, the withdrawals start to set in and life sucks... right now i'm sitting here sweating my ass off (among other things) because i'm trying to cut down on the pill consumption... this is a double whammy though because not only am i sweating my ass off, i'm in pain because i'm not taking as many pills... what do you do though?!?! i was supposed to have an appointment on may 29th to see how things were going (and so i could talk about getting a referral down to the back institute) but he had to cancel his appointments that day and he scheduled injections all day long... so now i don't get in until june 28th!!! nice!!! one more note on this, all the opiods i'm taking make me extremely irritable... which brings me to my next blurp....


• r and i... things have been not so good for/between us lately.... ok, fine, pretty really not-so-good is more like it... we can't even hold a conversation.... he is so defensive... (this couldn't be partly because of me being a mega-bitch from the note above)... but in my defense i can say that people have been asking me about him for about the past three weeks if he's ok... because he's been acting "different" and has had an attitude, not like normal though... on my side, i can't seem to do anything right.... anything... this whole situation frustrates me because we can't even hold a conversation of any length without him instantly getting defensive and mad... kinda hard to "talk things out"...


• things had been going good at my work, for once!, and then with the onset of all the not-so-good things that have been happening lately my positive attitude has gone to hell in a handbasket and that has greatly affected my attitude, at work too... also, this could be because of the patches and pills too... i'm telling you, i get extremely irritable which usually leads to me getting extremely pissed, and it seems like there is no being nice to my idiotic co-worker....

re-eading this, i am so amazed at how my attitude at one point in time affects my thoughts, emotions, actions, basically my life... and actually writing this out made me think, you know, a good attitude really is important, otherwise i'll continue to go thru life the way i have been, pissed off, angry, and mad at the world... and i don't want to be like dad's mom....

True....

Alice came to a fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

Stopping By

I don’t remember the last time I blogged when I was at work… but, on the other hand, my memory has been really bad lately, worse than normal… anyways, I finished with payroll early, getting it submitted anyways, and I’m just waiting for it to come back so I can check it… I need to pay some bills but they’re not going anywhere… I’ll probably just get them ready to pay today…. I’ve got two months of bank statements to reconcile… sometimes reconciling the checking account is smooth, other times, it’s a challenge and I get to hunt and hunt for something… I tried to reconcile it yesterday and I think is going to be one of those challenging times…. Work is going really good though…. J has helped me out so much… just by being here so that it’s not just rrll and I and by setting up our Access database… thanks to J, I don’t have to use my typewriter for anything except printing out mailing labels… that’s awesome!!! I’ve really been watching my attitude up here too… it hasn’t been easy but it’s getting easier, I think!!
My back… is still here… it’s feeling better though… I think the steroids kicked in and have made a difference… I think mary made a difference too… I think she massaged some of the irritation out… ok, maybe not, I have no idea what she did but it feels better… better than it has in 3 weeks!!! It’s still hurting but not near as bad…
My attitude…. Is good… it has its ups and downs but for the most part I’m working really hard on keeping it positive…. In the middle of re-reading The Secret I decided to get another book to read…. This one, Your Destiny Switch, by Peggy McColl, is much like The Secret (and the other books I’ve been reading) except this one, from my understanding, actually teaches you how to take action…. In my reading I’ve been hearing about the “Sedona Method”, also known as the Release Technique, so I decided to do a little research on that… I only started my new book last night but so far from what I can tell, this book will teach me a “version” of those techniques… I think… it sounds really interesting… I’m not sure how I’m going to do this either… I’ve been giving it some thought… The Secret along with Your Destiny Switch both have exercises that you can do… that are recommended… I am thinking about working on my exercises on my blog… and posting bits and pieces of the books that I find useful or thoughtful… it seems like right now there is so much I want to share with everyone!! Anyways, Your Destiny Switch, should explain to me how I need to go about taking action which is required… you can’t just learn and retain the knowledge… you must apply it… so, that’s where I’m at with that…
Lately I’ve been eating everything in sight… especially at home… I mean!!! Everything!!! It’s like I’m a bottom-less pit… but, I think it’s a hormonal thing right now…
I don’t know much…. I’ve just been working… Saturday night we watched the race over at a friend’s house… it was so much fun… we hadn’t hung out with clint in forever!!! Just like old times!!! I said we watched the race, we tried too, but it got rained out so we ended up just hanging out with clint and friends and then Sunday we watched the race… that was about it… work has been good… r is doing good… we are doing good… just rocking along… I need to print/fill out our mortgage loan papers so we can start looking at houses… nothing “major” is going on right now and I’m very much fine with that!!!
And our positive thought for today is:
You are not responsible for everyone's happiness.
I am responsible for my own happiness and I trust that others can take care of themselves.

Week in Review

Since I’ve been very blog delinquent lately I decided to post a week in review (which seems to be very long!!)… overall, it was a really good week… and my attitude has had a major part in that…

Sunday- r and I watched the race… carl’s engine failed way early in the race and he finished 42nd (out of 43).. he dropped from 8th to 12th in the points… the last 10 races only the top 12 drivers in points are in “the chase”…. It’s still early in the season though….
I didn’t work on inventory or our weekly expense/income report for the restaurant but oh well, I’ll get it done… the back was hurting bad…. Other than that I didn’t really do much else…

Monday- I worked… called the doctor and waited for his nurse to call me back… momma and I talked on the phone that night for over 2 hours and after we were done my attitude had totally changed… I felt better than I have in a long time, emotionally… the past two weeks I have been receiving things… things that I needed… pushes that I need to take “action”… momma made the comment that taking action is the hardest part of making changes… I had also read that recently somewhere else… I keep receiving the same “messages”/thoughts… I know what I need to do now I just need to do it… I’m working on that…

Tuesday- the dr. called and I went in at 10:20… he said that when they do the injection they first “wash” the area with a solution of some sort and then they inject the medicine… they watch the whole procedure on x-ray and he said that there was nothing abnormal about mine, it went just as it was supposed too… he said that on very rare occasions though, during the washing process, the washing of the area can actually become more irritated and then when the medicine is injected it doesn’t really work because it was pretty much just severely irritated again… that makes sense… I just don’t understand why it just happened on shot #10… but then again, it’s like I blogged the other day, I’ve been considering going down to the metroplex area to the back institute to see about a more permanent option… so… what to do?!?! My dr. said he would refer me down there if I wanted to go and that they refer a lot of their patients there… plus, I’ve heard and read good things about the back institute… so back to my dr. visit… he explained what he thought was the reason behind the pain… he put me on a 6 day dose of oral steroids… today is my second to last day… day 5 of 6 I suppose… my back is still killing me… it doesn’t feel like it is getting any better…
I have been reading the secret again, slowly and really reading it… at the first part of the book this one guy suggests doing some “exercises” so I jotted them down with the intention of doing them but haven’t had a chance yet…
Also, I get this email… some newsletter I subscribe to but hardly ever read anything out of it but I always look to see what’s in it… n-e-ways, an article caught my eye, I read the blurb and decided to download what turned out to be an e-book… I saved it and then promptly forgot about it…

Wednesday- I worked… my back hurt all damn day…. But when I got off work momma and I went and did a little retail therapy… we went to eat at a chinese food buffet… I had some sushi and fried donuts… yummy, yummy, yummy!!! Then we went to old navy and I was going to buy some new clothes with some of my money from working with km and fam during tax season but momma treated me!! I was so excited… plus, I got some cute shirts!!! You know those clothes that fit good and make you feel good… one of them is already my favorite polo I know… I love it… it’s one of my “it makes me feel good” shirts… while momma and I were at the mall we walked down to one of my favorite stores… I wanted to go down there to see if I could find a gift… I found two good gifts…

Thursday- I worked… once again, my back hurt all day long… after work I went to walmart… it was “cleaning night” but that didn’t happen… I couldn’t tackle the house after walmart… I got home from walmart and kinda pre-cleaned the house… wrapped a gift so I could mail it Friday morning…. And here’s what I was thinking while I was wrapping the gift (this is the continuation of the gift buying from Wednesday)… I am one of those people who normally doesn’t like to buy presents for people unless they tell me exactly what they want… this time thought, I found two smaller gifts that I think my friend will really like… ironically this time, the gift buying wasn’t the problem… the wrapping of the present was… well, the presents had to be shipped and I am not a shipper.. r is the one who packs and gets the box and stuff all ready to ship and I take care of the label and the actual shipping… the box had to go out Friday morning and r wasn’t home from work yet… I looked and looked for a box and could one find one that worked but I wasn’t overly thrilled with it… then I tried to wrap the box in brown paper, I tried to use a paper bag, ghetto I know, but that didn’t work… I had no brown paper at home and finally was just like forget it… normally the wrapping of the present is the easiest part for me… this not this was not the case but that’s ok because I am really excited about the gifts!!!

Friday- I knew it was going to be a low-key day at work … it was.. and it was long… my back hurt and I tried not to put a patch on because I had a massage that night but I had to give in and put a patch on…. The back was bad!!
At work a thought had jumped into my head that I should print out that e-book that I had downloaded the other day… so I did… along with 2 other e-books I’ve had downloaded forever… it is so nuts, the universe is giving me what I need… the tools I need to take action and change what I need to change!! I am so exited… my attitude, for the most part, has been really good…
I went and got my massage last night… it was nice… mary put an ice pack on my lower back and later lightly worked it… it felt so good and last night it felt great!!!

Saturday- today is my cousin’s baby shower but I’m not going because it’s out of town and I don’t know if it would be such a good idea if made the drive because of my back… it hurts… still… I wish it felt like it did last night…. So today is here… I’m going to take it easy… relax… use my ice pack…

I have been trying to be really super conscious of my thoughts… at the dr. on Tuesday I made a list of “secret shifters” that will/can shift my attitude from negative to positive… I’ve already “used” my secret shifters list twice this week… it works… I’m loving the good attitude… your attitude really does make a difference in how you feel… I guess I’ve always know this but never really gave it much thought… more on all this later though….

Nothing Much

i decided to take a break from cleaning and filing to see what was going on elsewhere... the race is going to start in about 30 minutes and it should be a good one... talladega is always a good race, there is always a big wreck there... yesterday i spent the day cleaning out the filing cabinet and working on my 2007 file box for the restaurant stuff... i haven't filed anything since the beginning of the year because i needed to clean the file cabinet out so bad, i don't think i could have crammed anything else into it... anyways, it's all clean now... ready for our 2007 stuff... and my file box for the restaurant is as done as it can be right now, i'm out of green hanging file folders... all i have left to do today is work on the inventory as well as the weekly income/expense report that gives us an idea of what our numbers were this past week... i must say, it has been an uber productive weekend... even through the back pain...
ok, let's talk about the back for a second... it's still hurting, BAD!!! the dr. called me back friday and said to keep wearing my mophine patch and taking my pain pills and if it's still bad monday then i'll need to come see them.... i haven't had a reaction like this to any of the shots that i've had... and i know i've had over 10.... so i'm not real sure what's going to happen from here... something has too though... the pain is debilitating, it has affected every aspect of my life, things i can/can't do... i hate it and i hate that the pain got so much worse after the injection... we'll see what the dr. says... maybe it is time to go see an orthopedic surgeon about a more permanent option... a specialist in a bigger city maybe?!?! i know that my back pain is not just affecting me... it's affecting r as well... as well as my attitude regarding everything... something's gotta give...
ok, enough of the back... i'm going to end this on a positive note... the weekend has been good... r has been dealing with me well... :) now that i've got the file cabinet cleaned out and the house is getting more organized i feel so much better... and, this was pretty exciting... do you ever tear something out of a magazine or print something off the computer, something helpful or informative, that you know you can "use" or "reference" later... i do this all the time... i was working on the file cabinet yesterday and was trying to remember the time length recommended to keep financials and stuff like that.... i thought, you know, i think i have something like this printed out AND i think i know where it's at... guess what, i knew exactly where it was AND it was exactly what i needed!! i was so impressed with myself!!! i think that is the one time i have had something like that happen!!! it was very exciting!!! anyways, the race is about to start and i'm going to work on inventory and then our state unemployment tax... it's the last tax report i have left to do that is due tomorrow... well, it's done, i just need to file it online... i'm off to watch the race and work a bit... and to have a nice relaxing sunday!!

Ouch!!

yesterday morning was my first injection.... this is my fourth set that i've had done... and i don't remember any of them hurting as bad as this one.... momma and i got to the hospital a few minutes before my appointment time at 6:30am.... they pulled me out of my room maybe 8:30ish to take me down to the or.... we were done about 10:30 and went to get some breakfast at ihop... i love me some pancakes!!! the injection site was tender when we left the hospital but that's to be expected.... momma dropped me off and i took a nap... when i woke up my back was killing me!! pretty much yesterday, if i wasn't sleeping i was crying because of the pain... it seems to be so much worse than it was before the injection... the information that the dr. gives you though says that the injection site can be sore for 24 to 48 hours after the injection.... so i guess that's to be expected but i have never had pain like this before... i just hope it gets better soon!!! anyways, t sent me home today around 11:30.... he called before he came in and asked how i was feeling.... i told him not good but it's been worse... he came on into work and then sent me home... he said it was silly of me to sit around (well, when i was sitting) in as much pain as i'm in and try to work.... since i had everything done that i had to get done today, i was out of there!! i've got the ice pack on my back and plan on keeping it there pretty much the rest of the day... it's raining here so i'm going to sleep and recover today.... i'll check back in later...

Checking In

i think i had actually forgotten how much i loved to blog... until this morning... things are calming down... life is becoming a little less busy one day at a time... which is really good.. i have been really hectic lately... i feel bad for r... having to put up with me... whew... anyways, i guess i had a "realization" that i have to calm down... anyways, i don't want to bring up all the old negative stuff so... friday night i had an hour and a half massage! it was a treat to myself for working so hard... it was nice!!! r and i went out to km's last night and watched the race... carl did good, he came in 11th... not bad at all... he's 8th in the points right now which is excellent!! (the top 12 drivers in points are in the chase the last 10 races)... so today i'm going to clean the house... tomorrow morning i have to be at the hospital at 6:30 for my first cortizone epidural injection... i plan on coming home tomorrow morning after my shot, relax/nap, and then tomorrow afternoon work on my unemployment tax and quarterly payroll tax reports that are due the 30th... that way i won't have to worry about doing them at work... which will allow me to get caught up at work... i have a few "time sensitive" things i need to get done at work... work has been hectic lately... that's a whole other story for a different time though... i'm keeping it positive for now... so i think i'm off to clean the house now... do some laundry... then r and i are going to watch some movies that we got in from netflix... we haven't watched any movies on our new tv yet so that's what we're going to do this afternoon!

The Blues

I’m being tested right now…. Not tested as in like a test to see if there is anything wrong with me but challenged in my life… the name of my challenger- PMS…. Sometimes it seems like PMS really doesn’t affect me that much and then some months, watch out, I’m like a walking talking emotional basketcase…. That would be the case today… and yesterday… with PMS though, there are some things that are just a given, like eating- wanting to eat all the time- craving sweets and salty foods- and pretty much just food in general…
This morning started off about like yesterday morning… (and like many mornings started when I was working at cingular, though not near as bad)….my thoughts weren’t very positive, I was already getting sad about leaving the kitties and r… even though r had already left for work… my thought pattern this morning and yesterday morning brought back memories of the way I felt everyday when I was working at cingular… most mornings I would end up bawling because I so didn’t want to go to work…. And I usually didn’t end up going to work… that’s not an option here and I’m kinda glad it isn’t…
Saturday after I got off work at the CPA office, I went home and R and I went to sam’s and bought a tv… 60”!!! that’s 5’ of tv!!! It is huge but I love it!!! that night, R and one of our friends came over to help us put it together and to hook all the stereo stuff back up… I can’t wait until Sunday, the Texas race is on!!! the first race on our big tv!! YEAH!!!
Easter Sunday R and I went over to momma and daddy’s and ate lunch… it was SO good… I haven’t had a home cooked meal in about forever and it was excellent… I just kept on eating and eating… it was so good to see momma, daddy, and grandma… I haven’t seen them in forever and I miss them… momma and I used to do something about once a week but since tax season has gotten a little hectic I don’t get to see her hardly at all… seeing them on Sunday really made me miss them though…. after we ate, r and I went home… I worked on and finished up my restaurant stuff and then we cleaned the house… I don’t know if the house was just that dirty or if we cleaned that good but the house looks awesome!!!
It was cold here this weekend (in the 40s) so the kitties were inside most of it… since I’ve been working late, Murph has been mr. snuggle-bug, I want/need lots of love and attention… I don’t think he likes both of us working late…. That’s ok though, I won’t be working late much longer… as of next Tuesday, things will calm down!!! But yeah, the kitties are so precious… Murphy is always wanting love and attention and Mazzy does too but she just doesn’t want to admit it….
And this probably sounds nutso- since R, I, and the kitties had such a good weekend and I got to spend so much time with them (and we had a really good weekend), I miss them… and the PMS just intensifies those feelings… I miss momma and daddy, doing stuff with them, getting to see them… I miss R with him having to work late every night… (hopefully we can move to Iowa Park soon and maybe that will change!!)
Overall, things are going good… 7 more days of tax season… then my weekends and week nights after work will go back to “normal”…. After tax season is over I’ll get to spend more time with the kitties and momma and daddy…. I had to take half a xanax this morning to keep from breaking down into tears every time someone said something to me… Anyways, I know my sadness is only temporary but I hope it passes soon…
Today’s positive thought for the day:
You are not limited by the thoughts of others. Your only limitation is the thoughts you choose to think. Whatever I believe with feeling becomes my reality.

Still Here

even though you can't tell by looking at my blog i'm still here... still around... just really busy and probably will be for the next 13 days.... this last week i worked monday thru thursday after work (with km, her mom, & her sister) putting together tax returns... i'm pretty much working every day up until april 17th except for sundays... so between that, my work, the restaurant, and then all the daily "stuff" that has to be done i've been a bit covered up... (on top of it being the end of the year for my work and the end of the quarter for the restaurant! basically, this means that i am covered up!!) i've meant to blog everyday (and it seems like something eventful has happened everyday) but i just haven't been able to find time... since i just finished the secret (at lunch) today, i guess i need to make that last statement about not being able to find time into something positive... like, i have all the time to accomplish everything that i need to do.... and believe it!! (that's the more difficult part!)....
for the most part, the secret was a good book... it did bring me back to the mindset i need to have... well, it made me aware that my mindset hasn't been what it needs to be.... so i am working on trying to stay positive... and for the most part, i think i've been doing a really good job... don't get me wrong, i've had my negative days but that's just something that's going to happen.... one day i'll share some of the book's end of chapter summaries... i would now but it's out in the car and i really don't want to go get it...
so, what has been going on.... last week....
tuesday- went to my psychiatrist that morning... he said good deal about my positive attitude... that changing your attitude will, can, and does help your outlook and how you feel... he gave me a kudos on the attitude thing, he said, especially because of my back.... later that morning i had an appt with my back dr... we talked about different treatments and he told me that if i wanted to see orthopedic surgeon he would be happy to refer me to one but he thinks that we should do a cortizone shot or two first to try to relieve some of the pain... he isn't for sure if the surgeon would treat me with everything being as irritated as it is... the surgeon would probably want to do something else first to take away some of the swelling and irritation... so we're going to be setting up a series of up to three shots to see if they will take away some (or most) of the pain... then he asked how my pain meds were working... i said, well, they really don't seem to be helping... his reply was that he didn't think so from the looks of my mri & xrays... so he put me on morphine patches (duragesic) until we can get the back calmed down a bit... i've been on the patches before and didn't have any problems with them... i haven't seemed to have any problems with these either... besides the irritability... but, i think that all opiods will cause irritability in me... each patch works for 72 hours.... then you take that one off and slap another one on.... :) the patches are working better than the pills though and right now i'll take whatever works!! he said that he thinks that the reason i keep having such bad headaches is because i have no curve in my neck.... i've done a little researching on this and everything that i've seen seems to link no neck curve to bad headaches... very interesting....
thursday- i went and signed the papers for my car... r went and signed them on friday... the '03 white passat i blogged about last time is mine!! his name is phoenix... and i love him!! he is so nice!!! don't worry, pics are coming soon!! they detailed my car for me yesterday so he looks really good today!!
friday- r's 33rd birthday... i went out to eat with jw and her family (r was working)... we went to the restaurant and then jw and i went and got a pedicure!! that was the first real pedicure i've ever had and i loved it!!! i really enjoy hanging out with jw and her family... they are so much fun!! and get this, i love her kids... they are so fun!!! (and that is scary to me!!) but yeah, they are so much fun...
saturday- i worked... r decided (at the last minute) to close on saturday, just because he didn't want to work, and that was a hot button for me... i'm over it now but it was just the whole situation that pissed me off, not just the fact that he wasn't working... i'm not going to get into it because i don't want to dredge it all up again... let bygones be bygones.... when i got off work kb and her husband were in town... it was really good to see them because r and i hadn't seen them or hung out with them in forever!!! it's always nice to see old friends!!! i just feel kinda bad because i wasn't in the best mood though... i was tired, in pain, and upset (at r).... kb did bring me a beautiful present though!!! her name is goldie and she is a "porch kitty"... a statue... i'll have to post a pic of her!!!
oh yeah, ewok is pregnant!!! yes she is, i know, i know!! kb pointed that out on saturday!!! ewok is so tiny too!!! bless her heart!!! i feel for her!!! poor little kitty momma!!!
sunday- worked on the weekly numbers and payroll.... watched the race... carl came in 14th (i think).... sunday was productive but not as productive as i hoped it would be... that's ok though... i have another one coming up!!!
i'm not sure if my work will be open on friday.... my boss, t, is a devout catholic and we usually try to close for good friday unless production is way backed up or something... i'm pretty confident that we won't work or if we do work it will just be a half day... i've already talked to km and they said that if i'm not working here i'll go over there and work... which would be nice, maybe i could kinda get caught up over there... even though there will be no real catching up until tax season is over!! :)
saturday night after i get off work r and i are going to go look for a tv... the one in the living room is small... i say small, it's not that small, but it's just not big! so we're going to go look for a big tv.... that's r's birthday present.... we're getting a new tv!!! i'm really excited about it too!!! now we'll have an awesome tv to go with our awesome surround sound so that now when we watch the race it'll be way more excellent!! i feel like there was about a million more things i was going to blog about but of course they all left me when i actually started blogging... anywho, instead of working on reconciling the restaurant's checking account, i thought i'd blog... i feel better and i'm so glad i got to blog!!! i miss it!! more soon!!!