The Move Is Over!

So the move is over with… we took the last load and turned the keys into the apartment office on Sunday. I can’t even begin to explain how nice it was last night after work to just go home. No moving anything from place to place, no having to leave after we get done working to go back to the apartment and go to bed… just going home from work and putting things up. Last night we got the living room set up, tonight we’re working on the bedrooms.
The kitties are doing well in the new place. I think they’ve smelled every square inch of the house, every closet, everything. They spent all Saturday night exploring. We let them outside in the backyard Sunday and then again last night after work. Murphy does really good; if he starts to wander off you can call his name and he’ll stop, turn around, and look at you. Mazzy on the other hand always has to push the boundaries… last night she jumped thru the gate and took off down the drive-way. I yelled her name and I’m pretty sure she started running faster. A car drove by, scared her, and she stopped running. I went to get her and she hid under dc’s truck. I finally ended up half dragging her out cause she wasn’t coming out on her own! She clawed and hissed the whole time. The t-shirt I had on has holes in it and my left arm looks like I got in a knife fight (and lost horribly). Needless to say, she ended up back inside after that little escapade. Murphy on the other hand just hung around outside; he laid on a concrete slab in the yard soaking up the sun, wandered around eating grass, enjoying being outside. Too bad his sister couldn’t act the same way.
dc’s sister is having a garage sale Saturday so we are in the process of going thru everything that we moved over and deciding what to keep and what to sell… man alive we have a lot of junk!!! I’m just hoping that the majority of it sells!!!
Ever since the move in December 2007 I’ve changed my address every 6 to 9 months, so I’m really hoping that this is the end of my nomadic journey for a while…

Feeling It

I am feeling the stress… the stress of remodeling the whole house in about 2 months and the stress of moving… for me moving is stressful enough… add in the remodeling and I’m out of control!! Last night dc called me his "little stress ball" and that fits perfectly. This past week I’ve felt like I’ve been just having a constant panic attack. Everyone says, don’t worry, don’t stress, you’re ahead of schedule. That’s great that everyone else feels that way but when you’ve got your stuff strung out between a house and an apartment and the house is almost done but not quite I’m going to be stressed. I also feel bad, and more stressed, because the kitties are feeling my stress and are stressing themselves. They know something’s going on because dc and I have been moving stuff out all week long. I wish the kitties understood when I tell them, don’t worry, you’re going too, just not yet!! Poor Mazzy has been all over me when I’m at home, like, hey, what are you doing, don’t forget about me, I’m still here!!! Murphy has spent most of his time under the couch or staring out on to the balcony.
The apartment is pretty much empty now except for the big stuff, you know, the washer & dryer, couch, tv, bed, dresser, and chest of drawers. We are supposed to be moving that stuff this weekend so hopefully the weather will cooperate. We had a cold front blow in and have a chance of snow today and tonight. If I wasn’t trying to move I wouldn’t mind at all but I’m not really looking forward to the weather being nasty (side note, it’s been in the 70’s lately and of course the weekend we are supposed to move stuff with the trailer the weather is not cooperating). I’m really hoping that getting moved will take the stress level down about 100 notches for me. I’ve already decided that I’m going to schedule a massage after the move is over. I was going to wait and schedule it after we got the kitchen finished but I don’t know if I can wait that long. Something has to give soon because I don’t like this all stressed out me… the always angry, irritated, or way upset me.

Again?!?!

I’m not really sure where all of this “being so emotional” is coming from… or even why it’s here… I don’t know the answers to those questions but I do know that it’s driving me up the wall… I have been so emotional… extremely emotional…. Way too emotional…. I can’t even read some blog posts because I just bust into tears… I’m taking everything so personally…. And probably taking everything the way wrong way too… if there is any possible chance that something could be taken negatively, I will take it that way… I’m not like this all the time but I have been lately and like I said, it’s driving me crazy!!!! (Yes, my “visitor” is still here and has been for the better part of the past month… I’m pretty sure that my hormones are all crazy and that’s not helping me emotionally but I just can’t seem to make myself call the doctor. I suppose it’s just easier to gripe about it than actually do something about it.)
The holidays are usually a pretty emotional time for me but this year I am excited about them. I’m really excited about spending them with dc, who loves the holidays like I do, instead of with someone who doesn’t really care about them. For instance, this Thanksgiving was better than my past 8 have been. I wasn’t being pressured with “are you ready to go?”, “ can we leave now?”, “how long do we have to stay?”??? It was really nice to be able to relax and enjoy the time with my family.
That doesn’t help me with the way I’m feeling now though. I honestly feel like I can completely out of control, regarding my emotions anyways. Saturday dc and I were working and we had the radio on, it seems that every stupid song that came on brought tears to my eyes, and it was like all the songs were depressing too!!!! He told me last night that he’s leaving Monday and isn’t sure when he’s coming back… either Friday or Monday… of course we all know that my vote is for Friday… he said it depends on when his roommate is coming back… if he’s staying thru the weekend then dc will stay and they will work… if he’s coming back that weekend then dc will come back Friday… this really pisses me off end because his roommate is the one “helping” him to decide… I know, I know… selfish… it is very selfish of me but that’s the way I feel and I can’t help it… I really am working on and trying to be ok with all of this… with him “living” down there for about two weeks at a time but damn, he’s just killing me… getting used to him being here for a month at a time, then leaving again, just drains me… every time he leaves I feel like we’ve broken up because my life is the same as it was when he was here except he’s gone… I don’t get to go somewhere else and change up my routine…. once again, I’m being extremely selfish… I apologize for the majority of my posts being so negative and “all about dc” being gone and me being sad… I’m just really having a hard time with it and I feel bad talking about it because I know everyone gets tired of hearing it… so instead I just blog about it… it gets it out anyways…
I promise I really am trying to be positive and to stay positive but these damn emotions keep taking over and the negative just keeps on coming…

That Stings

A blog that’s finally not about food…
I understand that people can’t hurt you unless you let them hurt you… that doesn’t make it any easier though. Someone that is supposed to be one of the people closest to me in my life has really hurt my feelings and it’s not something that has just happened once. There have been a few situations and I’ve tried to just let it all go and not worry about it but like I said, it doesn’t make it any easier. I suppose this is just one way of finding out who your true friends are; friends that will love you and accept you when you’re happy or sad, rich or poor, no matter what your situation or what choice you make in life. I thought that this person was a true friend but over the past few months I’m thinking that 1) I was wrong in that assumption or 2) maybe things have changed between us and that’s not the case now. I have decided that I’m not going to apologize for the choices that I’ve made and that if my “friends” can’t be happy for me finally being happy then maybe they’re not really my friends after all. I don’t understand why they can’t be happy for me, maybe they’re not happy in their lives and seeing me happy upsets them, maybe they liked me better when I was sad and miserable most of the time, I don’t know the reason and I really don’t understand but there’s nothing I can do about it except try to remove myself from the situation. I’m not going to stand around and let them pick on me and make me feel bad about myself especially when the decisions that I’m making are making me a happier person and they are good decisions for me. I can’t do that because it’s not fair to me. And as selfish as that sounds, I have learned that I have to take care of me. This has made me realize who my true friends are and it makes me so grateful for them.

I Really Did...

So the wine party was last night… it was fun… there were 6 of us there… they said sometimes there can be up to 15 people there but I’m glad last night was small since I was so nervous anyways!!! the “girls” that were there were really nice (what was I expecting??) and made me feel really comfortable… that was really good!!! S and I went and ate sushi before the party and I got home a little after 10… not bad… not bad at all… I’m glad I went.
(This is where it gets bad!!) But, when I got home I was so hungry!!! I mean, starving (or so I thought)! I can only imagine that it was the wine I drank that made me think I was hungry but I had visions of a quarter pounder with cheese and fries dancing in my head… I changed clothes, washed my face, and got a bottle of water… dc was still working so I couldn't talk to him and I for the life of me could not get the image of McDonald’s out of my head… so, I gave in… I got in the car, drove to Mickey D’s, but when I got there I saw the line in the drive-thru and was so bummed out that it was so long. So I sat in the parking lot for a bit… yes, I did… I just sat there, hoping I guess that all the cars would be like, oh, we don’t want to be here, let’s just leave…. But instead of anyone leaving the line I left and went home. I was proud of myself for not giving into temptation but guess what is still dancing in my head?!?! If you just happened to guess a cheeseburger and fries you are a mind reader!!! Yes!!! Still!!! So, I have decided at lunch that I am going to get a cheeseburger and fries…. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of guilt I feel over this decision. Hello, it’s one meal?!?! It’s not like I’m committing to eating this for every single meal the rest of my life but I feel like I’m cheating!! And I keep telling myself, the only person I’m cheating is me, by not “rewarding” myself every once in a while. Before the sushi last night, I can’t remember the last time I actually ate something that wasn’t a Smart Ones or a frozen meal like that. If I don’t eat the burger and fries I’ll probably end up doing something really stupid later like eating a million burgers and fries… besides, one “bad” meal isn’t going to cause me to gain the 12.9lbs back that I’ve lost so far… (I weigh every morning and calculate my loss to that point but I only update the ticker on Wednesdays- why, I have no idea… maybe I’m scared I’ll constantly be adjusting it up and down)… I really like seeing the numbers on the scale go down and I think that if I eat bad today and they go up tomorrow, even just a little, I’ll freak out… we’ll see what happens… I almost had myself “talked into” going to Mickey D’s and it being ok, well, somewhat ok… now, I’m second guessing myself… all over one stupid cheeseburger and some fries….
(and to make it even worse, dc got a star for working out yesterday and I didn't. yes, this is his first star since he's been gone but still... so I ask you, WTH is wrong with me?)

UPDATE:
So I went to McDonald’s for lunch… got my quarter pounder with cheese meal… and you know, it wasn’t that good… the fries weren’t what I was hoping they would be nor was the burger… In my mind I was expecting something quite different… on the way I told myself, ok, when you’re eating, eat slow, enjoy it, this is a treat. Don’t just inhale the food and then think, hhhmm, I wonder if that was good…
Maybe it was the fact that I actually paid attention to how it tasted (and it’s always been not that good) or maybe something inside of me changed (hopefully) and maybe after it not being so good I won’t crave it anymore… I really don’t know and I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing… I’m hoping that I can remember how not good it was though.

One More

I get one more star for last night, I did my yoga dvd again!!! I know I won't get a star tonight though because it's wine night... and I am already really nervous...

Another Post!!!

So, be proud of me, I earned a star for my calendar last night… I did my yoga dvd… and I can’t tell you how profound the change in my attitude was after I was done with yoga… yesterday was a difficult day emotionally for me… I think the majority of it is coming from pms but also from the fact that dc is gone and then from the “Friday event”…
On a side note- Friday I got some disturbing and not good news but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t going to blog about it and I’m not going to get into details but let’s just say that financially things have changed for me. It pisses me off to no end but like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m working to forget it the best I can. (The only reason I mention this is because this “event” was weighing heavy on my mind yesterday having to go to the dentist and not knowing how I was going to be able to pay for it. Luckily my mom is so freaking awesome and she “took care of it for me”. That made me cry, she has no idea how much that means to me, well, she does now, after I broke down in tears when she told me she had paid for it.)
One of our account reps and I have gotten to be friends… we talk when she comes in here and we text… she’s been inviting me to wine night with her and her friends for several months now and finally this Thursday I’m able to go! I’m really excited but at the same time really nervous since she is the only one that I will know but she is picking me up (she lives right around the corner). At least I won’t have to show up by myself. (I don’t know that I would!) Normally I wouldn’t do anything like this. Being married to my ex I became quite the socia-phobe!! Bad!!! Occasionally it would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to leave the house (and for a while didn’t). Since we are no longer together and dc and I are always going and doing being social has become quite a bit easier. I find myself falling back into my old patterns and habits- the way I was many years ago before I “hermited up”. Getting there Thursday night will be the battle but after that it will be fun!! Last night dc and I were talking and I was telling him the S had invited me to wine night and that I was going to go. This was our conversation:
dc: wait, did you say you were going to go?
Me: yes I am.
dc: really?? Do you know anyone else besides S?
Me: nope.
dc: and you’re really going to go?
Me: yes!!!
dc: good for you, I’m proud of you!! I know you’ll have fun!!
The only not-so-good part of wine night… I need to go get a bottle of wine and then she also said that they were having a Chinese Christmas with a fall themed gift (under $10) and if I wanted/could I could bring an appetizer or a small dish of some sort… normally I would be quite excited to do all this but it’s looking like wine night is going to cost me about $50 or $60 and that stresses me… oh well, it will be fun though.
I keep telling myself- focus on the positive, focus on the positive!! Think about what you want, not about what you do not want.

A First... and Pics

So Saturday night was a first for me… I went to eat with km and her sister and I ordered grilled salmon for dinner… I debated and debated until I thought km and her sister were going to kill me… I was going to go with the usual “stand by”- a cheeseburger and fries but I just kept thinking, 10.8 lbs and 6.5 inches… really? Do I really want a cheeseburger and fries?? So I ordered the salmon and that was the first time I’ve ever ordered fish at a restaurant before. It was really good too!!!
Kim blogged about this and it’s something that I’ve really been thinking about lately and it has been bothering me. Since I decided to really get serious and commit to losing weight I have become obsessed with food. Thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, what I would like to eat, what is the scale going to say when I do eat. Surely this can’t be healthy. I know I have to be conscious of what I eat but obsessing over it non-stop? Is there no happy medium? I was really worried that I would just start eating everything in sight when dc left but luckily that hasn’t happened, something inside me is using what little self-control I have.
As far as exercising, I’ve only worked out one day in November so far. That is not good. I have that free year membership but I can’t quite get myself to go. I brought my bag of workout clothes today so maybe after I leave the dentist I can convince myself to go. I’ve also got my yoga dvd that I love doing but can’t seem to make myself actually get up and do it. Where is my motivation?? And why does it seem so much harder to work out with dc here? When he’s here I’m the one motivating us to go. What changes? I don’t understand and it’s frustrating me!!
I got pictures of Brianna! YAY! I even took a video of her dancing but I didn’t realize that you can’t rotate a video (or if you can I don’t know how) so I’m going to have to redo that… (actually, it never occurred to me that I would have to rotate it anyways)… once again, sometimes I am so smart it scares me…

More on Getting Serious

I can’t believe I forgot to blog about this when I blogged about our weight loss plan… duh, hello brain?? So in addition to weighing, we took our measurements the other night… that was a depressing site but at least we’re doing something about it… we’re not just going to rely on the scale to monitor our progress since hopefully we’ll be building muscle in addition to losing fat so we’re measuring inches lost too… and I read somewhere, I think on some “confessions” website about someone using star stickers to help motivate them… so I printed out monthly calendars for October, November, and December and bought some star stickers. For every day that we work out we get a star on the calendar. I like stickers (I know, 5 year old mentality) and seeing those stars on the calendar do motivate me. The more stars the better!!! I know it probably sounds lame saying that but it works for me and I’ll take anything that helps!! When I first contemplated the idea and bringing it up to dc I was like, he is going to make so much fun of me, but surprisingly he didn’t. I said, you’ll probably think this is stupid but… His reply was anything that helps motivate and keep you motivated is not stupid. If you quit exercising or don’t do anything, that’s stupid.
So, now that he knows my measurements and what I weigh I do have to do something to make this better. lol I fought tooth and nail to not have to tell him what I weigh but I gave in. He said, it’s not like me knowing exactly what you weigh is going to change anything between us. He’s such a sweetie and he’s so good to me. It’s so nice to have someone support you in your decisions and not have to go at it alone.

Getting Serious

So last Thursday night, at dinner ironically while eating Mexican food including chips, hot sauce, queso, and drinking beer, dc and I laid down some ground rules regarding our weight loss efforts (that have been less than stellar so far)… but that is changing… some of the rules - we must work out at least 30 minutes a day at least 5 times a week, you can’t use your two free days in a row, and no more fast food (damn!!)… for some reason since I decided to blog about our weight loss my mind went blank regarding the rules… figures! Anyways back to the point, reading ilax’s blog has really motivated me to want to work out and lose weight… between her blog and dc and I’s conversations I am super motivated!!! Plus the other night at walmart I got behind a couple that was so big they had to use the motorized wheelchairs, they couldn’t even walk, and I refuse, yes refuse, to be like that! dc and I have been working out like we agreed too and we have even started running during our walks!! I am really excited about this!!! No one has ever been patient enough to try to run with me… we’ve been going to a high school track to walk/run but the only problem is that there are no lights there. Looking around, there are no lights at any of the tracks at the schools nor are there any lights on the walking/biking trail that the city put in. So, we are going to join the Y so that we can play racquetball, swim, use the weights, track, classes, whatever… the Y offers a couples membership (and you don’t have to be married!) to take advantage of it, YAY!!! I am really excited about this, I can’t wait to have to move my ticker at the top of the page to show my weight loss!!! I can’t wait to bore everyone to tears with my weight loss tales!! So, be prepared, be very prepared because I plan to kick ass and take names!!! Here’s to getting serious!!!

Bits & Pieces

(a pic of dc and I in Corpus)

I am officially divorced as of yesterday at 4:00. The court approved the divorce and my request to change my name back to my maiden name. So now the fun process of changing my name begins. It seems that since the divorce was final yesterday my to-do list has gotten significantly longer. I need to cancel our life insurance policy, close some bank accounts, and other fun stuff that I was just waiting for the divorce to be final before I did. That’s ok though, I’m not dreading doing any of it. Well, except standing in line at the Social Security office, lol. It also seems that I have an abundance of energy and that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m hoping that since I’m feeling better now my blogging will pick back up because I feel like I have so much to say now. I would hate to write one really long boring post though so for now I’ll just sum up everything and then fill in the details later.
My trip to Corpus rocked!!! dc and I had so much fun!! I have lots of good pictures to share! We didn’t do too much- except eat anyways. I managed to gain 6 lbs from Thursday to Tuesday morning when I weighed. Needless to say, we’ve talked about it and we’re both working on lifestyle changes as far as our eating habits are concerned. We have a bet going. We each have a certain amount of weight we want to lose so we have given ourselves until my Christmas vacation to lose the weight. The loser pays for a trip somewhere. We’re not sure if we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas break or if we’re going to go somewhere else. We’re also setting 10 lb goals with rewards too. I’m really excited about this. dc and I are doing really good. It’s been really hard with him being in Corpus but it’s getting better. He’s on his way back right now so he will be here when I get off work and he will be here thru the 8th. YAY!! Things have been going really good for me. Normally when things are going really good I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not this time. I have decided to take a different approach mentally and see what happens. dc and I were joking around when I was visiting him- I made the comment about how well things were going and how happy I was and have been and he said, next thing you know you’ll break up with me because life just keeps getting better and you’re not used to that. So instead of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’m going excited to see what new and positive things are coming my way. I’ve worked on a list of goals that I want to accomplish, some of them are short term and some are more long term. After my trip, reading and catching up on what my blogger friends have been doing- and being super motivated by them, setting goals for myself, and from conversations with dc, I am really excited about my life, what is going for me, and what is coming up. I actually have a plan (somewhat anyways!) of action, I know what I need to do to make my life what I want it to be so now I just need to work on making it happen. So far so good. I finally feel like I am “in charge” of my life so to speak. I suppose that the divorce was empowering to me. It made me realize that I can make my life anything I want it to be so that’s what I’m doing. Honestly I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt so good and so happy. That everything in my world is right the way it is now. Right now this is where I should be.

Head Above Water

The past few months I’ve been a “bad blogger”. I suppose I should say my blogging has been basically non-existent. The reason(s) for this… I’m not sure what to say, how much to say, what do I feel- this changes all the time, and then the main reason- I’ve been too down to even want to try to put any effort into blogging. It also seems that me feeling down and not really wanting to put any effort into anything is spilling over into other areas of my life as well- keeping in touch, emailing, basically being a productive person in most areas. I’ve tried to hide this and just keep it out of sight from (most) everyone. I realize that this is not healthy but that’s how I’ve been coping, or trying to cope anyways.
The past month or so I’ve been sleeping about 4 hours a night. Normally when I wake up and I’ve got at least two or more hours left to sleep and I can’t go back to sleep I get pissed. I lay there and get more and more mad so by the time my alarm goes off I have started the day in a super foul mood. Last week I decided that I would walk over to the fitness center in the apartment complex. So for 3 days last week I would find myself in the fitness center using the elliptical for 30 minutes at some crazy time of the morning when all the people in their right minds are still sleeping. At least I wasn’t already fuming mad when it was time for me to “get up”. Last night I actually slept. After tossing and turning for an hour I crashed. Finally. This morning when the alarm went off I was so tired the last thing I wanted to do was to get up but I did. I’m worn out now but hoping that I can get some sleep again tonight, it’s amazing how good sleep can make you feel.
So I’ve officially been in my apartment for a little over a month. The kitties have adjusted well. And they’ve been very good company. I picked up a final copy of our divorce decree last Thursday. So far so good. R and I are still talking and getting along. Things between us are weird for sure but there’s no hard feelings or bad blood. We’re both just taking care of what we need to take care of and trying to go from there. August 25th is the 60th day of our cooling off period. My attorney said he would schedule a court date and let me know when it is.
Last Sunday my car broke. And then I helped break it some more. Apparently somehow (and I have no idea how but I sure wish I knew!) I managed to put a hole in the oil pan and then proceeded to drive it with no oil in it. When daddy pulled the oil pan he noticed that the teeth from the cam gears were in the oil pan. Not a good sign at all. Right now I’m not sure what other damage I’ve done to the motor. It could be anything from just new cam gears to a whole new motor. Lovely. So now I’m car shopping.
Yesterday it was 107 outside and the air conditioner in my apartment decided to break down on me. Finally when it was 90 in the apartment I called the office and the maintenance guy came over. He rigged it up to work until he could get back over there today to fix it. All I know is that last night when I went to bed a little after 10 it was still 84 in there. Another lovely situation. At least this situation won’t cost me any money directly out of my pocket, not in repairs anyways.
As odd as this might sound, I know that this has been a rough patch for me but I do know with 100% certainty that it is for the best. Even though I’ve been down and haven’t been too overly optimistic, I do realize that I am already happier than I’ve been in a long time and that’s saying a lot. At least knowing (and feeling) that I’m on the right path to making me happier makes it easier to deal with everything.

On that note:
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." — Agnes Repplier

Sometimes, we can feel trapped by someone or a situation, but in reality we have created the situation ourselves by denying what we really want or who we really are.

Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.

Step One

I went to see a/my lawyer this morning. It’s a very straight-forward uncontested divorce but since we have the restaurant a friend of mine recommended going thru a lawyer, basically to protect me since we did buy it while we were married. I can’t believe how expensive it is to get a divorce. I think our marriage license cost maybe $10 but the divorce is over 100 times that much. I obviously chose the wrong profession. They said that there is a 60 day “cooling off” period so it will be at least 60 days before the divorce is final. I’m looking for a place to live right now. I’m leaning more towards an apartment or something so I don’t have yard work to do. I don’t mind doing yard work occasionally but I think it would get old after a while. R is letting me take the kitties though.
Last night while I was reading the comments that were left by my blogger sisters, I realized why I hadn’t blogged about all of this. It hurts. Even though this is what I want and what will be best for both of us in the long run it still hurts, bad. I’ve been to see a counselor once, just to figure out if I was making the right decision. I’ve given this so much thought, ok, this whole thing has done nothing but consume me and eat at me for months now. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am ok with being divorced. I am ok with being alone. No matter what happens I will be ok. I’m still scared to death though. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes not. I just know that it’s time for me to work on me being happy. This is step one.

Dirty Laundry

A month ago I gave R a letter that said I’m unhappy and here are the reasons why I’m unhappy. The letter wasn’t all, here’s what you’re doing wrong, it was here’s why I’m unhappy and what I’m feeling is happening to us. We talked and he is really making an effort to make things better. What I don’t understand is why isn’t this making me happy? Is it a little too late? Should I have said something sooner? What is my problem?
There are so many issues I feel are causing problems in our relationship. He brought up a good point the other day. We were married in June 2003 and my back problems started in August 2003. The problem was finally fixed in August 2007 but I’m still not back to 100%. I don’t know if part of the problem we are having is us trying to have a normal relationship after all the back problems, you know, like finding a “routine” that works for both of us.
About a month before I gave him this letter, he “cornered” me one day and we had a “talk”. We needed to communicate more because we don’t communicate well and all our talks end up in fights. Then a month later I gave him the letter because what we talked about wasn’t working, nothing had changed. We can’t talk about anything serious with arguing. My guess would be 99.9% of the conversations we have end up with one of us getting mad. It’s really hard to communicate and try to work on things when this is happening.
Another of my hang-ups is the fact that we never go anywhere or do anything. It took me a long time to remember and realize that I used to go and do all the time. I was never at home, now I’m always at home and it’s driving me nuts. I hate it. Unfortunately, R is not good with the public, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything but when we do it’s always hectic.
The last issue to tackle is the restaurant and I don’t even want to go there right now.
So, here it is, most of my “dirty laundry” for everyone to see. These are some of the bigger problems that I feel R and I are battling. The reason I’ve been thinking of seeing a therapist is to find out why I’m acting and responding the way I am. I can sit back and pin-point exactly what I’m doing. I realize what I’m doing but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it or control it.

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

The truth is that we do not need pleasurable circumstances and events to evoke happiness with us. Happiness is within us at all times. Just as soon as we make the decision to be happy, regardless of our circumstances, it manifests.
No person, thing or circumstance controls our response to that person, thing or circumstance. We choose our own responses. We have complete control over our state of mind and happiness is a decision that we make between our ears.

“Knowing” that you are in complete and total control of your life, and that no one or no thing can have any control or influence over you without your permission puts you in the place of power.

13 Affirmations

I will explain everything later and in somewhat more detail but I’m sure that by now you know that I’m not happy and haven’t been happy. I know I’ve been unhappy in my current situation for over a year but I’ve been trying to just “hide” it. I’ve learned that this only works for so long. Eventually everything seems to blow up in your face and then you have a complete shit-storm to deal with instead. I have been looking for a counselor/therapist to see. I have finally realized and accepted that the problems are within me, not anyone else. So on that note, here are 13 daily affirmations that I’m going to try to instill in myself.

1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.

Signs & Baby Steps

I was reading an article in a magazine today and this was a quote in there:
The only person who can ultimately change that opinion for you is you. If you don’t change your mind, your mind will not get changed.

The past few weeks my life has been filled with “signs”, things that appear because they are supposed to be there for me to see and they make me feel better and more at peace with everything that’s been going on… anything and everything from someone saying something “random”, a song that comes on the radio at the “right” time, an email… (for those who don’t believe in all these “coincidences”, I can only imagine how ridiculous this must sound… I’m fine with that though, trust me). In one way I feel like it’s so bizarre, almost like life is surreal, that my thoughts and decisions are being validated, but maybe they are, maybe the universe knows that I need these signs. Something has to change, and I know this now, but the hard part is figuring out what part to change. Which leads me to this….
The baby steps… dc and I were talking about life and I made the comment that I would like a “life redo”…
M: I would like a life redo
D: Why?
M: So that I could change my life
D: Can’t you do that now?
M: Huh? What?!? (with a look of utter confusion on my face)
D: Start over, now, today, tomorrow. Trim the fat but take baby steps. Think about one small tiny thing that makes you unhappy. What purpose does it serve? Can you change it to make you happy, is it worth it? Fix it or get rid of it. Each thing you conquer builds you up in so many different ways.
M: Phenomenal!!

This might be plainly obvious to some people but apparently it’s not (or wasn’t) to me. I mean, I guess I know that you can always change stuff but I’m not sure exactly how to say this or whatever… maybe it’s because of the magnitude of what’s going on, that I’m not “supposed” to be thinking about changing stuff like this because it’s just wrong. All I know is that it took him saying that to me to fully understand and realize that I can change my life if I’m unhappy. I have the power to do it, I can do it, and there’s nothing wrong with starting small. I know that being able to be happy in one area of my life will so help with all the other areas. So onward change, here I come!

Happiness

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking… working on trying to figure out what makes me happy. This isn’t really a “coherent” post, more just like a collection of things I’ve found in random places that I think are appropriate and that fit here. Lessons I’m trying to learn, values to instill in myself, random things. I’m working on changing to be a better and happier person.

Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.

Christopher Robin said to Pooh: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time, often just one baby-step at a time and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. Stop waiting..... There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

You can learn to accept change with equanimity, absorbing each phase in stride and learning from each new experience. Instead of running for the hills each time a change arises, deal with change in three distinct stages: Loosen your grip, separate your feelings, and tap into wisdom. Learning to make peace with life's calamities—lost jobs, romances, dreams—does not mean you have to be passive.

"No matter where the problem is, how acute it may be, or how difficult the person may be, there is in the final analysis no one to change but yourself." - - Joseph Murphy

I kept looking for ways to fix the outside world so that I would enjoy it more. The problem is - the outside world is very resistant to being "fixed", especially the people in it. They seem to resent it if you try. What I know now is that none of those problems were outside me at all. As Joseph Murphy says, there was never anyone to change but me. And when I finally got miserable enough, I became willing to start work on myself. Here's the interesting part - as soon as I stopped blaming God and everyone else for my problems and took full responsibility for what I had created, my life began to change. I didn't see it at first, but I can sure see it now as I look back to that point 15 years ago. It reminds me of a little saying that I saw years ago - "My, how you've changed, since I changed." All that stuff I fought about in the outside world seemed to take care of itself when I started taking care of myself. So why am I telling you this story? Well, if there's any person, place or thing in your life that you think needs to be changed, why not think of it as a sign that there is something in you that needs work? Then ask that guiding Spirit within you what needs to be done, in you.
That doesn't mean that there is never any action to be taken in the outside world. It just means that you accept full responsibility for the situation being in your life, and you take corrective action without blame. You act in love, for yourself and others.

My Motto

So recently I decided that I was going to start working on myself… making myself a better person (working on my self-esteem issues along with other things) and start taking better care of myself…
I’ve been walking after work several times a week and I am really enjoying it so far… of course summer isn’t here yet so we’ll see how much I enjoy it when it’s a million degrees outside… hopefully by then I will be in a routine so it won’t be so “horrible”… I need to start eating better but I have to go to the store before I can do that and I am so not wanting to go to the store…
Anyways let’s get to the point… I have about a ton of music downloaded at home… last night I was trying to get out of my sad funk so I started randomly picking some tunes to listen to… I came across this song and realized I had never listened to the whole thing before so I cranked it up because I knew I really liked the chorus… thanks to Ja Rule and his song “New York New York” I am inspired… this has become my new motto:

“You can't take shit for granted, life is too short...

I'm not cocky, I'm confident

if you tell me I'm the best it's a compliment”

Oh yeah, I spent the majority of last night trying to figure out how to add tunes to my blog… no luck so far but I’m still working on it… I’m hoping to figure out how I can add a playlist…

Changes

I don’t deal with things very well… I’m pretty sure it’s the approach I use… just don’t deal with it… just push it to the side until it gets to be so big and such an issue that I am forced to deal with it… over and over I’ve been shown that this technique for dealing with things isn’t effective but I still continue to use it because well, it’s the easiest… avoidance is my policy… like I said, not the best way to go but right now it’s how I roll…
Like usual, I’ve had all sorts of craziness going on in my head… normally I try to force something to happen instead of just letting life take its course… dc made a comment to me one night about me and my “self esteem issues”… something along the lines of, I have no idea where these come from… so I’ve been thinking on that… you know, I mean, I know where they come from but at the same time I need to respect and love myself more… if I don’t love me how can I expect anyone else to love me? so, in this confusing time of my life I have decided that I am going to work on me… km and I walked last week and I have decided that I am going to start walking… I have too plus I think it will make me feel better. I need to work on me… I need to figure out what will make me happy… what do I need? I’m doing a good job of figuring out what I don’t want and what doesn’t make me happy… so what will?
Some people think that believing in “signs” is silly… when I say signs I mean things that appear or come to you that you weren’t expecting… an email, something someone says to you, the weather, having your cards read… stuff like that… “signs that the universe sends you”… because as I’ve learned, everything happens for a reason… there are not really any coincidences… since Monday I have been getting sign after sign… one almost every day… and these are helping me to believe that I am heading in the right direction… that what I’m feeling is “right”…
I’m sorry for being so vague right now… there is a lot going on right now and I’m just not sure where everything is going to go… as of now I know what I need to do and I’m preparing myself for that…

Here is the first part of my weekly horoscope: There is a lot going on beneath the surface this week, courtney, the kind of thing that you can't quite get a handle on. You sense that there is a shift happening, but know that you have no control over what is about to take place. It is as though fate has the upper hand, but you are still master of your destiny. What is needed is to understand yourself from a deeper perspective than just your personality.

Portionpals

momma "recycles" all her old magazines to me... reading one of the magazines this weekend i came across these new things called portionpals... i'm not sure if this would work for me or not... i found this very interesting though... any ideas or thoughts? do you think it would work??

portionpals