Checking In

I’m not even sure where to start… dc and I have been so busy working on the kitchen… it’s looking really good though… we’re making excellent progress!!
Poor Murphy doesn’t seem to be taking all the construction too well though… he hides under the couch pretty much all the time and only seems to come out at night… it’s making me so sad but I don’t know what to do about it right now. (All I can do is just keep working on the kitchen, the sooner we get it done the better!!!) My daily kitty calendar said, “Because their sense of security is linked to their territorial instinct, cats make mental maps of their personal space. It may take a cat cartographer as long as 6 months before he feels he can settle down comfortably in a new home.” So poor Murphy hides all the time and Mazzy is out and about, always inspecting and wondering what’s going on; we have officially dubbed her the “project supervisor”. Last night dc had his drill bit set open on the floor and Mazzy was all over it, rolling around on it… she is nuts but apparently she loves chaos!!! Up until the construction got crazy both of the kitties seemed to be taking the move very well… so I’m really hoping that after all is said and done Murphy will be back to his old self.
There hasn’t been too much going on besides the kitchen… I’m working on dealing with the stress of having the whole house an absolute wreck and I think I’m doing ok… I’m very OCD and anal about everything… everything has a place and having sheetrock dust everywhere (nothing is clean!) and not having a kitchen is a little stressful but at the same time I’m learning to deal with it (I think!)…
Anyways, it seems there was so much else to say until I actually sat down and started writing and now my mind has gone blank (too much damn sheetrock dust!)…

Bits and Pieces

dc and I are working on the rent house we are moving in to when my lease is up in March, if not before, depending on how long we can tolerate the people who moved in below us- and the only moved in yesterday but they are quite noisy!!! The rent house is coming along good… so far we’ve changed out all the plugs, switches, and covers… they are all nice, new, white, and they all match now!!! dc changed out all the doorknobs so those all match too… we’re almost done painting, all I have left to do is 2 closets, the trim in the 2 bedrooms, hall, and living room, and 4 doors… then we’re onto more major projects… we’re putting in an awesome closet system… we’re also in the process of demoing the bathroom… the only thing staying in the bathroom is the bathtub and the tile he just put up around the bathtub… we’re putting in a new light fixture, pedestal sink, toilet, mirror, and medicine cabinet… the bathroom is really dated so this will help a lot!!! lastly, the kitchen is going to be completely gutted and redone… I’m not sure if we’ll have time to do that before we move in but it is going to have to happen… we’re taking out one pantry (there are currently 2) and putting the fridge in that area, adding more counter space, changing the layout, putting in new cabinets, lights, and floor, tearing down part of a wall to make a bar area (not like a wet bar just a regular ‘ol bar), adding a dishwasher- there is currently no dishwasher and that stresses me- I’ve always had a dishwasher!!!- and changing out the stove/oven that’s in there for one with a microwave/stove/oven combination… oh yeah, there is no microwave currently and I honestly don’t think we have room for one… the kitchen is a really good size but the way it’s set up right now it isn’t very functional (kinda like the bathroom)… like I said, it’s going very well and pretty fast so far and once we get all the smaller projects done we can really focus on working together on the big projects… I love home improvements and it’s really nice when you’re working with someone else who helps out and likes doing them too, not someone who just wants to sit on the couch and have you and your parents do it… we’re having a lot of fun and learning stuff in the process!!! I so kept asking dc to remind me to take before and after pictures but of course I failed to take before pictures… I suppose I could still take them although you wouldn’t get to see all of the ugliness that we’ve fixed so far, lol…
um, Valentine’s was really good… we cooked dinner for his parents, my parents, and his aunt and uncle… everyone already knows everyone (thru church) so that took a lot of the pressure off of the situation… we cooked brisket, cheddar stuffed bacon wrapped jalapenos, potato salad, bread, and sopapilla cheesecake… it was so yummy!!!!
We’ve been working on the rent house every chance we get… and we’ve got our February dinner party coming up on the 28th which I am really looking forward to... I suppose that’s about all the excitement in my life lately which is fine by me, I'll take that!!

Deep Breaths

Hopefully you can’t just feel the ugh coming out in this post… today has been one of those days when everyone just manages to crawl all over your last nerve!!!! I think that all the idiots of the world are in town today and are either calling or coming by to bother me… it’s just one of those days…
I took my car in today at lunch… the air bag light is still on (from since oh, November-ish) and the part they were supposed to order in December never got ordered and no notes were mad as to what the problem was… so they asked me to bring it in again to have it re-tested… I know, it’s not like I’ve just been on them about the problem either… I’ve been procrastinating… I have no idea why it’s such an “ordeal” for me to take my car to the shop, it’s not like I have to do anything but take it in and drop it off.
More “good” news… I found out yesterday that if someone isn’t paying their taxes, like payroll, unemployment, sales, or whatever (if they own a business) and your name is on the taxes somewhere that can go on your credit and affect your credit… which brings me to…. The ex hasn’t been paying any of the taxes for the restaurant since I quit taking care of them (figuring and paying them)…. The restaurant is a sole- proprietorship but my name was on the unemployment tax so I’m not really sure if it’s anywhere else… luckily km’s sister is taking care of the tax situation for me… he’s also not paying on his part of the debt from the divorce and the company doesn’t honor divorce decrees so even though it’s his debt per the decree since we both signed the loan papers and he hasn’t refinanced it it’s still going against me… I can only hope he’s still making the house payment since the mortgage company doesn’t honor divorce decrees either… normally I try not to be a “number dropper” but in this case I’m going to be… my credit score at the beginning of September was an 816… a freaking 816!!! Pretty damn good if I do say so myself!!!! I don’t even want to know what it is now as I am constantly getting letters “reminding” me of the payment that is past due… I just need to keep reminding myself that even though my credit may suck (cheese) balls I am much happier now and I can deal with this, I will take bad credit over happiness in this situation… (I think this is going to be my new mantra)… ok, enough of the bad and negative…
Um, positive and good… positive and good… we still haven’t been to the gym, lol!!! (ok, maybe that’s not good- I was just joking!)… Saturday I get to go to a birthday party for jw’s twins who are turning 6!! I can’t believe they are already going to be 6- I remember when she was pregnant with them!!!! (mental note- charge the camera battery) so as of now I think the plan for Saturday is dc is going to work for a while, I’m going to go to the birthday party, and then we are going to find something to do to enjoy the weather!! The weather this weekend is supposed to be in the 70’s! YAY!!! Another positive- in a little over a month time changes and that is all kinds of goodness in itself!!! That means warmer weather is on the way and it will start staying light later!!! Plus, golf season is right around the corner AND I get to use my pretty pink balls with my initials on them!!!! Ok, I’m feeling better now!!! Much more positive!!! I should have blogged earlier and got all the negativity and ick out here sooner!!! I just hope the nasty doesn’t stick on you my fellow bloggers!!!

2009

Happy (Belated) New Years to everyone!!!! Here’s to hoping that everyone has a most excellent 2009!!!
Vacation was good and so far 2009 has been stellar!!! Over vacation dc and I went skiing in Colorado… we had a blast (gotta love credit card miles)!!
Other highlights, I found out that I got the one thing I was really wanted for Christmas, dc to move back!!! He hasn’t moved all of his stuff back yet, we’re going to go down one weekend and get it because his roommate is using it right now, but, he is back!!! YAY!!! I met all of dc’s family over the holidays and they were all really nice, not that I was expecting anything less… we got to play golf one day!!! I hit a 189 yard drive and got my first par!!! That was exciting!!! I can’t seem to find my motivation as far as exercising goes… it’s been gone and doesn’t seem to be coming back… I’m really ready for the time change and warmer weather… there is so much more to do outside… being cooped up inside the house all the time makes me not want to do anything… I had a whole ton of stuff that I was going to blog about but now that I’ve actually started blogging it has all just escaped my mind… so, with that being said I’ll post some pics of our Colorado trip... you can see the rest (actually, all) of the pics here.

dc and I at the Ore House in Vail:


Frisco: where we stayed






Me skiing:


dc skiing:


Looking up the mountain:


Looking down the ski trail (Wrangler):




And... borrowed from Post Secret....

Another Post!!!

So, be proud of me, I earned a star for my calendar last night… I did my yoga dvd… and I can’t tell you how profound the change in my attitude was after I was done with yoga… yesterday was a difficult day emotionally for me… I think the majority of it is coming from pms but also from the fact that dc is gone and then from the “Friday event”…
On a side note- Friday I got some disturbing and not good news but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t going to blog about it and I’m not going to get into details but let’s just say that financially things have changed for me. It pisses me off to no end but like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m working to forget it the best I can. (The only reason I mention this is because this “event” was weighing heavy on my mind yesterday having to go to the dentist and not knowing how I was going to be able to pay for it. Luckily my mom is so freaking awesome and she “took care of it for me”. That made me cry, she has no idea how much that means to me, well, she does now, after I broke down in tears when she told me she had paid for it.)
One of our account reps and I have gotten to be friends… we talk when she comes in here and we text… she’s been inviting me to wine night with her and her friends for several months now and finally this Thursday I’m able to go! I’m really excited but at the same time really nervous since she is the only one that I will know but she is picking me up (she lives right around the corner). At least I won’t have to show up by myself. (I don’t know that I would!) Normally I wouldn’t do anything like this. Being married to my ex I became quite the socia-phobe!! Bad!!! Occasionally it would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to leave the house (and for a while didn’t). Since we are no longer together and dc and I are always going and doing being social has become quite a bit easier. I find myself falling back into my old patterns and habits- the way I was many years ago before I “hermited up”. Getting there Thursday night will be the battle but after that it will be fun!! Last night dc and I were talking and I was telling him the S had invited me to wine night and that I was going to go. This was our conversation:
dc: wait, did you say you were going to go?
Me: yes I am.
dc: really?? Do you know anyone else besides S?
Me: nope.
dc: and you’re really going to go?
Me: yes!!!
dc: good for you, I’m proud of you!! I know you’ll have fun!!
The only not-so-good part of wine night… I need to go get a bottle of wine and then she also said that they were having a Chinese Christmas with a fall themed gift (under $10) and if I wanted/could I could bring an appetizer or a small dish of some sort… normally I would be quite excited to do all this but it’s looking like wine night is going to cost me about $50 or $60 and that stresses me… oh well, it will be fun though.
I keep telling myself- focus on the positive, focus on the positive!! Think about what you want, not about what you do not want.

Catching Up

Where to start… dc and I have been hanging out, all the time… when he’s here he stays with me… his sister is getting divorced and her and her kitties took over his old room at his parents house… since he’s been staying with me that’s how "the takeover" happened… I don’t mind though, I actually like it, ok, I really like having him there. He’s leaving Friday to go back to Corpus but I honestly don’t think he’ll be down there (permanently) much longer. He will be back for Thanksgiving so he’ll only be gone for about 2 weeks this time. He doesn’t really seem to like it much, not as much as he thought he would anyways. Besides, he’s actually here more than he’s there. I just realized that when he leaves Friday he will have been here for a month. He says that it’s not fun down there with his roommate, if it was me it would be different but it’s not, and that the longer we’re together the more he wants to be here and doesn’t want to leave here. (Plus, his office is here, he just takes work with him when he goes back and then has stuff shipped down there.) I hate the fact that he’s not happy down there but hopefully he won’t be down there much longer, from the way he’s talking anyways. So keep your fingers (and toes) crossed that he’ll be moving back soon!

The past two weekends we’ve gone to Dallas and gone bowling at the 300 Dallas and then on to Dave & Buster’s (if you haven’t noticed we really like D&B’s). I have now officially scored my high score bowling, 127, which I have a picture of!! (please don’t “judge” the picture- the beer was going down way too smooth!)


At D&B’s we won Brian (the pink hippo) a sister, her name is Brianna. She is a (lighter color- think baby) pink hippo (and smaller) and has on a cheerleader outfit, too cute. I don’t have a picture of her yet but I will. I may even try to post a video of her “singing” and “dancing”, she is so cute when she dances. She shakes her little hips. dc and I had been joking for quite sometime that Brian has been telling us that he wants a sister so we went on a mission to win him a sister and we did. We have now accumulated over 30,000 tickets. I have no idea what we’re going to do with all of them, but right now we just plan to keep on accumulating them.

Momma and daddy were out of town the last week of October so dc and I borrowed Scrabble and Monopoly from them. We have had the best time playing games. That’s what we do at night (and on Sundays), play Scrabble and Monopoly. Up until Monday night I had lost every single game of Scrabble that we’ve played. My Scrabble skills are improving though, I finally won three games the other night!! I’ve been joking that while he’s gone I’m going to play by myself. We’ve only played one game of Monopoly, it continued over like 4 days though. It kept getting late and we would get tired so we would pack it up and continue on the next day. He ended up winning though, no surprise to me, I’ve never ever won a game of Monopoly in my life.


Here are Mazzy & Murphy "playing" Monopoly although before they discovered the box lid they were trying to eat the houses and the money-

(Yes, Murphy weighs 17.5 lbs- I don't know what to do though, they're both on low-fat food and they each get 1/2 cup a day, that's it. By the looks of things you would think I feed them non-stop!)

We’ve been working out although we took this week off since it is his last week here. (He was going to leave Wednesday, then it was Thursday, now it’s Friday, but I know he’s leaving Friday but only because his friend is flying into Houston to visit his uncle about business and then driving to Corpus for the weekend. If his friend wasn’t flying in I don’t think he would be going back.) So we took this week off but I finally did take a picture of our October workout calendar with the stars on it. We'll see how good our November calendar looks after we have a whole month to work on it! The working out/losing weight is going fairly well. So far I’ve lost 7.6lbs and he’s lost 9.4lbs. They say it’s easier for guys to lose weight than girls but I think right now my problem is my “visitor”; she’s getting ready to visit and I really honestly thinks that messes with my weight. We’re taking our measurements tonight too so we can see how we’re doing there.
I almost forgot, I entered a raffle for a year membership to CardioPlus and I won!! It’s open 24 hours and it’s right by the apartment. I haven’t gone by to check it out yet but I plan on doing that at the beginning of next week. I’m hoping they’ll have a yoga class or something!! I’m excited though and I can't wait to see what they have to offer!
And lastly, my face… man alive, what is the deal with my face. I switched birth control back in February to see if the new one would help with my pms- the emotional side of it. It has but I don’t know if it’s causing my face to break out horribly or what. (My face hasn’t been out of control since February though, only since sometime in the late summer.) The only other thing I can think of that has changed was the base I was using. I changed my base in the summer because dc and I were always outside and I was getting tan so I needed to change colors so I decided to go with an “all mineral” powder base. Saturday I went back to my “old” base though, hopefully that will help because I’ve even gone to the doctor and she gave me a topical stuff to put on my face to try and that’s so not helping either. And it’s not like my “situations” are just small, oh hell no, they’re these large nasty pus filled things. They are SO gross!!! I mean, nasty!!! (Sorry for being so nasty and descriptive). Since the topical stuff isn’t working I’ve got all my hope in the old base, maybe that will do the trick. If not I guess I will call the doctor about my not-so-new birth control or go to the dermatologist.

Here's a picture of dc that I took on Friday afternoon. He had to go to a funeral and he was all dressed up so I couldn't resist taking a picture of him looking so cute!!

So that’s what’s been going on in my corner of the world. Maybe next time I won't wait so long to post so that my blog won't be 10 million pages long.

Bits & Pieces

(a pic of dc and I in Corpus)

I am officially divorced as of yesterday at 4:00. The court approved the divorce and my request to change my name back to my maiden name. So now the fun process of changing my name begins. It seems that since the divorce was final yesterday my to-do list has gotten significantly longer. I need to cancel our life insurance policy, close some bank accounts, and other fun stuff that I was just waiting for the divorce to be final before I did. That’s ok though, I’m not dreading doing any of it. Well, except standing in line at the Social Security office, lol. It also seems that I have an abundance of energy and that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m hoping that since I’m feeling better now my blogging will pick back up because I feel like I have so much to say now. I would hate to write one really long boring post though so for now I’ll just sum up everything and then fill in the details later.
My trip to Corpus rocked!!! dc and I had so much fun!! I have lots of good pictures to share! We didn’t do too much- except eat anyways. I managed to gain 6 lbs from Thursday to Tuesday morning when I weighed. Needless to say, we’ve talked about it and we’re both working on lifestyle changes as far as our eating habits are concerned. We have a bet going. We each have a certain amount of weight we want to lose so we have given ourselves until my Christmas vacation to lose the weight. The loser pays for a trip somewhere. We’re not sure if we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas break or if we’re going to go somewhere else. We’re also setting 10 lb goals with rewards too. I’m really excited about this. dc and I are doing really good. It’s been really hard with him being in Corpus but it’s getting better. He’s on his way back right now so he will be here when I get off work and he will be here thru the 8th. YAY!! Things have been going really good for me. Normally when things are going really good I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not this time. I have decided to take a different approach mentally and see what happens. dc and I were joking around when I was visiting him- I made the comment about how well things were going and how happy I was and have been and he said, next thing you know you’ll break up with me because life just keeps getting better and you’re not used to that. So instead of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’m going excited to see what new and positive things are coming my way. I’ve worked on a list of goals that I want to accomplish, some of them are short term and some are more long term. After my trip, reading and catching up on what my blogger friends have been doing- and being super motivated by them, setting goals for myself, and from conversations with dc, I am really excited about my life, what is going for me, and what is coming up. I actually have a plan (somewhat anyways!) of action, I know what I need to do to make my life what I want it to be so now I just need to work on making it happen. So far so good. I finally feel like I am “in charge” of my life so to speak. I suppose that the divorce was empowering to me. It made me realize that I can make my life anything I want it to be so that’s what I’m doing. Honestly I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve felt so good and so happy. That everything in my world is right the way it is now. Right now this is where I should be.

Head Above Water

The past few months I’ve been a “bad blogger”. I suppose I should say my blogging has been basically non-existent. The reason(s) for this… I’m not sure what to say, how much to say, what do I feel- this changes all the time, and then the main reason- I’ve been too down to even want to try to put any effort into blogging. It also seems that me feeling down and not really wanting to put any effort into anything is spilling over into other areas of my life as well- keeping in touch, emailing, basically being a productive person in most areas. I’ve tried to hide this and just keep it out of sight from (most) everyone. I realize that this is not healthy but that’s how I’ve been coping, or trying to cope anyways.
The past month or so I’ve been sleeping about 4 hours a night. Normally when I wake up and I’ve got at least two or more hours left to sleep and I can’t go back to sleep I get pissed. I lay there and get more and more mad so by the time my alarm goes off I have started the day in a super foul mood. Last week I decided that I would walk over to the fitness center in the apartment complex. So for 3 days last week I would find myself in the fitness center using the elliptical for 30 minutes at some crazy time of the morning when all the people in their right minds are still sleeping. At least I wasn’t already fuming mad when it was time for me to “get up”. Last night I actually slept. After tossing and turning for an hour I crashed. Finally. This morning when the alarm went off I was so tired the last thing I wanted to do was to get up but I did. I’m worn out now but hoping that I can get some sleep again tonight, it’s amazing how good sleep can make you feel.
So I’ve officially been in my apartment for a little over a month. The kitties have adjusted well. And they’ve been very good company. I picked up a final copy of our divorce decree last Thursday. So far so good. R and I are still talking and getting along. Things between us are weird for sure but there’s no hard feelings or bad blood. We’re both just taking care of what we need to take care of and trying to go from there. August 25th is the 60th day of our cooling off period. My attorney said he would schedule a court date and let me know when it is.
Last Sunday my car broke. And then I helped break it some more. Apparently somehow (and I have no idea how but I sure wish I knew!) I managed to put a hole in the oil pan and then proceeded to drive it with no oil in it. When daddy pulled the oil pan he noticed that the teeth from the cam gears were in the oil pan. Not a good sign at all. Right now I’m not sure what other damage I’ve done to the motor. It could be anything from just new cam gears to a whole new motor. Lovely. So now I’m car shopping.
Yesterday it was 107 outside and the air conditioner in my apartment decided to break down on me. Finally when it was 90 in the apartment I called the office and the maintenance guy came over. He rigged it up to work until he could get back over there today to fix it. All I know is that last night when I went to bed a little after 10 it was still 84 in there. Another lovely situation. At least this situation won’t cost me any money directly out of my pocket, not in repairs anyways.
As odd as this might sound, I know that this has been a rough patch for me but I do know with 100% certainty that it is for the best. Even though I’ve been down and haven’t been too overly optimistic, I do realize that I am already happier than I’ve been in a long time and that’s saying a lot. At least knowing (and feeling) that I’m on the right path to making me happier makes it easier to deal with everything.

On that note:
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." — Agnes Repplier

Sometimes, we can feel trapped by someone or a situation, but in reality we have created the situation ourselves by denying what we really want or who we really are.

Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.

The Craziness Continues...

This is going to be another random post… jumping from here to there… ranting, raving, crying… who knows what all it will encompass…
Lately I spend all of my time working… I have four jobs… yes, some of them are “seasonal” but right now I’m working 4 jobs… my job at WMP, taking care of the Cedar Tree stuff, bookkeeping for km and co-workers, and tax time… I do miss having free time but I know that I won’t be working this hard for too much longer… tax season round 1 is over in a month and a half… speaking of taxes, I really need to finish getting our stuff together so we can file… I’m so close to being done but there is so much to get together this year I’m a little overwhelmed… I’ll get it taken care of though… hopefully this week…
GOOD NEWS: Carl won the race in Las Vegas yesterday… Race 3 of the year and he’s won the last 2!!!! I worked while we watched the race yesterday… it was a really good race too!!! he had an issue during post-race inspection so we’ll have to wait and see what the outcome of that is… but he did win!!! So far it’s looking like a good season for Carl and the #99 team!!!
“Real” Life:
This morning I had an appt with my psychiatrist… this was one of those times I didn’t want to go because I knew he was going to upset me… (I think if I phrase it like this it makes me feel better- I was already upset I just knew he was going to ask questions and then I’d have to talk about everything and get even more upset but that’s just part of it)… I do love my head shrinker dr though… he is really awesome… so we’re changing my meds up… increasing the dosage on two of the billion I take…
I’ve been super emotional lately… some of the blurbs I mentioned two blogs ago are really appropriate… being angry, waking up depressed, thinking my life is shitty, and so on… I feel I have been trying to do everything in my power to stay positive and to keep an upbeat attitude but I feel like it’s not working… I’m tired, worn out, and have no motivation… trying to get myself to do anything is a battle… I’ve been taking everything super personally…. Needless to say I’ve been an emotional wreck lately… so this morning at the dr I didn’t even bring up the fact that I’ve been thinking about babies… if I can’t even keep myself in check and in control how am I going to take care of someone else?!? I go back in two weeks though to see how the med adjustment is doing…
I've also been eating like crazy... like there's no tomorrow... besides trying to shut everyone out, I think this is my way of trying to deal with everything, to just eat... I bought a pair of jeans maybe three weeks ago and they are already getting way too tight!!! I hate this and I have to do something about it but it seems that all I can think about is food...
The weather here has been absolutely nuts for several weeks… yesterday it was 82, today we have a chance of snow- up to 3” (with a high of 40- that was this morning when I woke up)… and tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 60’s… maybe that’s why everyone is still sick and can’t get over this crap that’s going around… I’ve been battling the flu/sinus nastiness for the 2nd time… R has it for the first time, still, and can’t shake it… he’s been thru one round of antibiotics and he’s still sick… it seems that almost everyone is sick with this stuff and it lingers… once you get it you can’t get rid of it…
One final rant before I go… I try so hard to be a nice person and to help anyone out when I can… it seems that the more and more you try to help certain people the more and more they take advantage of your niceness… then they expect you to do everything for them all the time… like I don’t have enough of my own stuff to do and take care of… I’m not saying I mind helping people out or mind doing stuff for people it just frustrates me to no end that people take advantage of your niceness…
Today I’m grateful for my psychiatrist and my wonderful understanding willing-to-put-up-with me and all my craziness husband…

Random

I wish I had the guts to do what I wanted to do for a living… first I need to find out what it is I want to do…

Change your mind ... and EVERYTHING changes.

You know it is bad when you wake up depressed!

I notice more and more days where I'm filled with a nearly uncontrollable rage.

Sometimes I think my life is so shitty, but I know on the outside, to others it looks pretty good. I don't know which one I should believe.

Right when I think you could not be more of an asshole you kick it up a notch.

Beloved one, may you always know that "the force is with you."
May you experience moment after moment of grace, presence, and awareness of the good in yourself and in the world around you.
You are precious, valuable, worthy, capable, and loved.

These are just some of the thoughts (and bits and pieces I've borrowed from all the True Confession websites) that have been running thru my head for several weeks now… my emotions have been a roller coaster… up and down… I thought it was just pms now I’m not sure what it is… I’ve been taking my meds, even though I was thinking about quitting them before my emotions took over and started on the roller coaster… I do have a dr. appt with my psychiatrist Monday… this morning when I was leaving for work the kitties looked so sad to see me go (probably because I’m never home anymore- I’m always working- and when I am home I’m still working)… I was ok until I got to work and then I just wanted to cry…
R and I have been busy… work, work, and more work… I’ve been working at my “regular” 8- 5 job then working after work either over at the office on tax returns or at the house on bookkeeping… yesterday I worked from the time I got up until 8:30… R and I were in bed and asleep by 9… (on the good side, I am almost thru gathering up all the information for our taxes)…
I have a dr. appt at the back institute tomorrow that I am really looking forward too (a day off from work)…
Last Tuesday km found out that she’s having a baby… her first dr. appt is tomorrow… hopefully she’ll find out how far along she is… I am so excited for her but yet I have mixed feelings inside me… and I know where these feelings are coming from… I just don’t know what to do about them…
Back in December I blogged about something that I’d been doing some heavy thinking about but never published it… I just saved it as a draft because I was scared to publish it… R has been bringing up babies for several months now… I have a suspicion that he’s ready to have one… I mentioned it to a co-worker’s wife and her friend that were up here on day but never said anything to anyone else… I suppose I was scared… scared of what people might say or think… I know that sounds stupid but it’s the truth…
I was waiting until my dr. appt tomorrow but the back dr. to talk to him about having a baby and see what he said… do I need to wait a certain amount of time? I’m not about to do something that might mess up my back… then I have an appt with my psychiatrist Monday and then on the 11th I go to the ob/gyn… I had planned to talk to them all and see what their thoughts were on me having a baby… now I feel that if I do that everyone will think R and I are just copying whatever km and her husband do… you know what I mean, like, oh, km and hubby are having a baby so we should too… and that’s so not it… I realize that my feeling like this is really silly but I’m not sure what to do… I have been debating on whether or not to blog about this… I send her a link to my blog when I first started it but I don’t know if she reads it or not… I’m not sure if she even has time right now… I just needed to get it out though… to vent…I suppose we’ll just see where we go from here…
I’m working really hard on staying positive (even though some times it is so much more challenging than other times)… I have finished making my manifestation board… I want to post some pictures of it but I have to find time to do that… I also need to put some pictures up on my manifestation board… I don’t think my manifestation board will work too well if there’s nothing on it for me to manifest…
I’m grateful that I finished creating my manifestation board…

Random

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve had a chance to blog… tax season is here and I’m helping km and her sister and mom out (all 3 are cpa’s)… plus bookkeeping for them as well as my “regular” 8 – 5 job and the restaurant stuff… then, to top if off I have all my “household duties”…
R had a dr. appt on 1/30 and she referred him to a cardiologist… we have an appt today at 3:45… he had been having chest pains the week before and wanted to go in for a check up… he has high blood pressure and cholesterol and his family history of heart problems and stuff is horrible…the ekg they did in the office came back “abnormal”… not sure what that means and she didn’t really get into it… hopefully today the cardiologist can tell us more… I know R is really stressed and worried about this and I am too but I’m really trying not to show it because I know that will only stress him out more…

The 1st Saturday in February was our last Saturday off until tax season is over… luckily Kelly had planned Boo’s 30th birthday party for that weekend and we were able to make the trip down there for that!! It was so nice to get away and go visit them!! We had a good time and I’m so glad we were able to make it for Boo’s 30th birthday!!!

Wednesday night I went to a class at the HACC. I’ll get more into that later… I’m really excited about what I learned and about my manifestation board I’m going to make… the things I learned fell right into place with everything else I’ve been learning… I love it when that happens!!!
Friday momma was walking and fell… long story short, she landed face first on the concrete… cut her eyebrow, her nose where her glasses sit, and her upper lip under her nose was all cut… she fell on her right arm… she ended up going out to the clinic that night (I met her and grandma out there after my massage- I tried to tell her I’d take her & cancel with Mary but she wasn’t having it!!!) they wanted to put stitches in her eyebrow but she wasn’t having it… she just wanted her arm checked… the dr. out at the clinic just called and said it looks like she broke her elbow and needs a long cast… poor momma… we don’t know why she fell (that scares me) and I was so scared just seeing her like that… the situation has always been reversed… she has been taking care of me… I’m not saying I mind taking care of her, it’s just scary when it first happens because I’ve never been in that situation before…

Saturday our new windows were installed!!! YAY!!! They look so good!!! It is unbelievable the difference that they make too!!! you have to listen for the highway noise now… it’s not drafty anymore… and the windows don’t rattle anymore!!!

BUD SHOOT OUT!!!! The Bud Shoot out was Saturday night… I consider this the “pre-race” before the Daytona 500!!! Racing season is back!!!! WooHoo!!! I am so excited!!!!

I’m going to actually try to do some real work for a little bit… at least until I have to leave to go with R to the dr… I’ll be back asap to get into more details on some things and update on other things… until then, peace, not pieces…

2008

I feel like I have been so busy… but then when I think back about what I’ve been busy with I draw a blank…. So anyways I feel like I’ve been busy…
I have decided that going back to work after vacation sucks… but at least I get a vacation so that I can complain about having to go back… the first “week” back (ok, really only 3 days) weren’t too bad… I’m all caught up now from vacation…I think it was a good thing that vacation was over though… the kitties and I seem to do a little better with some sort of structured routine… (although I do believe that we could find a routine if I was lucky enough to get to quit work- one day!)
R and I decided before the holidays that we were going to ask for gift cards to either Lowe’s or Home Depot, one or the other, so we picked Lowe’s… and after listening to our single pane windows rattle from the wind and the highway noise we decided that we would buy new windows for the house… and surprisingly we are excited about the windows… Saturday night we went to Lowe’s and picked up our quotes… we asked them to quote the front windows and then the rest of the windows… we only have a total of 8 windows to replace but to replace all 8 of them would be right around $4,000… having the front 3 (that all face the street) replaced will be around $1,700… (when R and I were pricing windows we discovered that most of the windows we need actually cost less than the labor to have them installed)… labor is $160 a window… and like the living room and our bedroom have “one” window but they’re actually two windows put together to make one window (does that make any sense??)… so it’s really $320 to have those “two” windows installed… quite tricky the Lowe’s people are… anyways, we have several options… we could just have the front windows done or go ahead and have them all done… we could have them all done by financing them thru Lowe’s for a year interest free or from our savings account… both of those options make me a little nervous right now though considering we haven’t even made our first house payment yet… I’d kinda like to see how everything is going to fall money and bill-wise with our new house payment…. anyways, new windows are coming soon and I’m so excited!!!!
I decided this year not to really make any new year resolutions… why set myself up for disappointment and failure so early in the year… but I do need to do something about my weight… I got on the scale this morning for the first time in I don’t know how long and was shocked but not too shocked… I’ve been avoiding the scale because I can tell that I’ve been gaining weight just by the way my clothes are fitting… it’s a good thing I didn’t get rid of my “fat” clothes after I lost all that weight 2 years ago… otherwise I would have no jeans to wear… so right now I’m debating on joining weight watchers again or just trying to go it alone… alone doesn’t seem to work for me though… I do miss my skinnier self and my self confidence that went along with it… that’s the great debate right now…
R and I were productive over the weekend… we got a lot of stuff done around the house… and today the cleaning lady is coming to clean so hopefully when I get home tonight I can take pics of the house and post them… I’m really excited… the house is looking so good… I just hope that the kitties are ok with the cleaning lady though… Murphy will be but it’s Mazzy I’m worried about… when the doorbell rings she runs and hides under the bed… I can only imagine what she’s thinking with some stranger in the house cleaning… and then when she runs the vacuum… poor Mazzy… hopefully she’ll get used to her though…
So far 2008 has been a really good year and I’m hoping this trend continues!!! I just keep reminding myself of all the good things in my life… and of all the good things to come!!!

Back to Good

Today things are all back to good… I guess I was just tired or something yesterday… after work I went to jw’s and hung out… I’ve been going over there on Friday’s after work… I like it… so I went over there and then came home… today I went to see Mary… I love her… she is the best massage therapist… I made another appointment to go see her the Friday after Thanksgiving… she does such wonders for my stress knots!! So that was awesome… It’s only Saturday night, not even 7:00, and I’ve got all the laundry done as well as payroll and have paid the restaurant bills… YAY!!! I’ve got the rest of the weekend free!!! Tomorrow is the last race this year… Carl can’t win the Cup Championship but that’s ok, he won the Busch Championship!! Go Carl Go!!!
I think yesterday was just a kinda down day… just feeling a bit under the weather… but today I’m feeling so much better!!!

This describes exactly how I feel about Mondays…
R and I had a good weekend… Saturday we packed, cleaned, and he moved furniture… we worked and worked and worked… the house looks so much different… I just hope something happens soon… the new furniture arrangement in the living room isn’t near as comfortable as the old arrangement was… but now we have a better “flow” thru the living room… the open house was a success… our realtor said we had 4 different groups of people show up and each group had at least 3 or more people in it… so that’s always good!! One guy wanted to make an offer but he hadn’t been pre-approved at the bank yet so our realtor took him a loan app from the bank… I’ve got my fingers crossed… at least R and I know that we have done all we can and we did the best we could… we de-cluttered, moved furniture, and cleaned up… maybe something will happen soon…
Daylight savings time… I love it when we “fall back” an hour… it’s much easier for me to get out of bed when the sun’s up… and I love it getting dark earlier… especially when it’s really cold… but man, when the time first changes it takes me a while to get used to it… the kitties too… now I’m hungry at the “wrong times”… my sleep pattern is all crazy… and the kitties, besides them always being crazy, they’re crazier and now their meal times have changed… which only adds to the craziness!!! But we’ll get it all worked out!!
Yesterday was the race at TMS- Texas Motor Speedway… km, her husband, her sister and her husband, and others all go down and camp out… that has to be awesome!!! But the stands hold right around 200,000 people and that’s a whole lot of people!!! They said yesterday that you could fit 52 Texas Stadiums (where the Cowboys play) inside just the infield of the track!!!! Woah!!! That is huge and that is a lot of people… anyways, Carl sucked it up… bad… he had a problem from almost the beginning of the race and they didn’t get it fixed until it was too late for him to recover… there are only 2 races left and it doesn’t really look good for Carl winning the Cup Championship… although he did clench the Busch series Championship this weekend… very nice!!! Way to go Carl!!!
I’m starting to have second thoughts about going to Port Aransas this weekend… things have been pretty good between R and I lately… we had a really good weekend… and as corny as this sounds, I already miss him and I’m not even gone… the only time we’ve spent nights apart (since we met) was the night of our bachelor/ette parties and then when I was in Plano for my back surgery… plus I’ll miss the kitties like crazy!!! I’m not a big being-away-from-home person… I’m very much a homebody (read: more like a socio-phobe)… anyways, right now I’m really not wanting to go… I know it would be really good for me to go and get away but we’ll see what happens… plus, I feel bad leaving R here by himself… I know, I know… what is wrong with me?!?!
The price increase at the restaurant really seems to have helped, so far anyways… now it seems like our main problem is finding a waitress to work from 11-4… I thought that would be one of the easiest slots to fill… apparently I was wrong… last week we didn’t have an 11-4 waitress and right now we’re not sure if we’re going to have one today or what… it seems like it’s always something…
I suppose we’ll just have to see what happens and what this week brings… (hopefully this week is better than last)…

Stopping By

i'm still here... things are going, some days better than others... the middle of the week was better than monday and better than friday has been so far... i'm not sure if it's my bipolar-ness acting up or if it's just because i'm letting myself get so stressed... but then i wonder, does everyone feel this way or is it just me? do i just not have good coping skills? (well, i know i do need help in that area)... how do other people stay so calm? or at least come across as being calm?
the open house is sunday... r and i have been packing up some of the clutter at the house... he's been moving some furniture around to make the rooms look bigger... tomorrow i'm cleaning the house like there's no tomorrow... the restaurant seems to be doing better since the price increase... things between r and i seem to be getting better for the most part... we still have our days but at least we're working on it...
my back is still doing great!! no pain!!! it's been 3 months since my surgery and my back couldn't be better!!! it was a total success!! and i have realized that it is worth every penny to be pain free!!!
on a better note though, november 9th thru 12th i'll be in port aransas with the girls... there are 6 of us going total... let's just say that there is the potential for drama there... i'm excited though, it'll be really good to get out of town and get away for a few days... and it will give r and i some time and space... which i think we need... i don't consider me going to plano time away really... so i've got my fingers crossed that the open house will go good and that next week will fly by... keep your fingers crossed too...

Here and There

things have been very busy lately but that’s ok, everything is starting to calm down… the 2nd tax deadline is over Monday, the 15th… so there’s not too much more of that left then it will just be keeping books for km…
yesterday was Kris’s funeral… it was good but sad… I liked what the Pastor had to say and the way he said it… it was very fitting and comforting…
our house is still showing… this is a good thing… we just need a buyer now!!
Last night I looked out the back door and there were 2 BYK’s laying on the concrete… it still breaks my heart… I just try not to look at them…
The first Saturday in October there’s always a Knights of Columbus dinner that T invites everyone up here too… km and her husband met r and I there… they have door prizes and then 4 “big” drawings… the grand prize drawing was a $750 gift certificate to united supermarkets and a $750 gift certificate to walmart and guess what?!?! I won it!!! on top of winning 2 door prizes, a $25 gift certificate to olive garden and then another $25 gift certificate to on the border!!! Km and the hub won 2 door prizes too!!! I am so dang excited about winning the grand prize… that’s like someone giving us $1500!! I can buy groceries at united and then when we move I can buy paint and anything else that we might need at walmart! Now how perfect did that work out?!?!
Last Wednesday I went to the dr. for a bacterial infection and am still not feeling better… she gave me a steroid shot to help kick out the infection along with antibiotics but I’m not feeling any better… in fact, I’m feeling worse… I’m going to stick it out as long as I can, see what happens… she did blood work and her nurse called me on Friday to ask me some questions… one of her questions was if I was taking a water pill… I’m not even sure what a water pill is… she asked how much water I drank a day and I told her between 100 and 120 oz. at work plus whatever I drink when I get home which is almost always unsweet decaf tea… she told me that I didn’t need to drink so much water… it’s not good for you… apparently I was flushing out my electrolytes and all the “good things” that my body needs and of course an electrolyte imbalance weakens your immune system… so did my surgery… so now I have been instructed to drink Gatorade each day… my only thing, I’m not working out and I’ve heard that if you’re not working out and you drink Gatorade it can make you gain weight… I’m not sure if that’s true or not but that’s just what I heard… then I found out that you can actually die from drinking too much water! What is that all about?!?! Anyways, I’m just doing what I’m told…
And I have got to start walking again… since I’ve been back at work I haven’t been walking… I’ve had a lot of stuff going on but after the way my back has felt lately and the 3 hours of sleep I got last night I have decided that come hell or highwater the walking is going to start again… last night I couldn’t even move without waking up in excruciating pain and I could not get comfortable… It reminded me of Charlie horses but all of my belly/mid-section and my legs... bad!… the kitties normally walk all over us during the night but last night mazzy put her paw on my leg and I came up out of the bed so fast it was scary… it’s a different kind of pain than what I had before… I can tell this is from not walking… so tonight I am walking!!! I need some sleep and some good sleep on top of that!!
I suppose I should actually do some work now… not that I’m really wanting too but I suppose I should… maybe I can get everything done then try to reconcile the restaurant’s checking account… nothing but fun!!!

Ups and Downs

Lately my mood has vacillated between happy and sad… I don’t know if it’s because there’s such a “variety” of things going on or what… so, the list of goings on:
• The BYK’s (back yard kitties) are gone… a decision was made to stop feeding them since we’re trying to sell the house so I quit feeding the kitties… I saw two of them out there last night waiting for me and it broke my heart! Tonight when I was coming home there was a kitty in the street… (not alive)… just laying there… and that really upset me…
• I’m in the process of getting over (read: taking antibiotics) for a bacterial infection… sinuses? I don’t know, I don’t know what that means and for once I’m too lazy to actually look it up… normally that’s the first thing I do… she said I have a lot of fluid on my ears… makes sense since I haven’t been able to hear!!
• I haven’t been walking because I’ve been so busy and haven’t been feeling good… I started feeling really bad Sunday and since then my walking has pretty much been non-existent… and I can tell too… my back is stiff!! I mean!!! I’ve had my walking shorts and shoes with me this week in case I got a chance to go walk around the lake but didn’t get the chance…
• It’s already the beginning of October and we’re still in the 90’s… last night at 10:00 it was still 78 outside… that’s just nuts, but that’s our weather for you! I am ready for fall though!! Ready for cooler temperatures!!!
• I’ve been helping out with Round 2 of tax season… if you filed an extension then your tax return is due October 15th… so that’s what we’re working on now… I’ve started keeping books for km but right now it’s tax time… it’s just really nice to get to work over there with them… it’s like working with family… everything is so relaxed and comfortable…
• We came to an agreement on the house we like in I.P. We made an offer, he countered, then we countered and now they’re making the changes to the contract so it will all be “legal and binding”… we came up $4000 from our original offer and he came down $3900 from his original price… exactly where I wanted to be!! Now all we have to do is sell our house!
• Our house has been showing like crazy… I would say it averages one showing a day… and considering the housing market right now that’s pretty good… no offers yet but when the right person comes along it will all fall into place..
• Here’s the main thing that’s been on my brain this week though…

ABILENE -- The Abilene Police Department has requested assistance from Texas Rangers for the investigation of the death of a 27-year old man who was brought into police custody after 5 p.m. Monday on a public intoxication charge. Abilene Police arrested Kris Rupe after they were called about a disturbance in the Quail Hollow Family Housing. Police say Rupe was aggressive and throwing bricks and they had to use pepper spray to restrain him. Police also say that Rupe had to have his feet restrained in the patrol unit because he was still combative. During booking at the Taylor County Jail, the suspect began having breathing difficulty. An ambulance took him to the hospital, where he died. Rupe’s body has been taken to the Tarrant County Medical Examiner’s Office for an autopsy. Police would not say whether Rupe's death was drug-related.
"At this point, that is just speculation," said Sgt. Joe Tauer, APD's public information officer. "But there is suspicion as to whether he was under the influence of some kind of intoxicants."
According to his driver's license, Rupe's address was in Wichita Falls. Abilene police said they did not know if Rupe had moved to Abilene, if he was in the U.S. Air Force, or if he was staying with a friend at the apartment complex. The Dyess media relations office did not immediately return a telephone message Tuesday afternoon.
Assistant Chief Mark Moore said investigators with the Texas Rangers, a division of the Texas Department of Public Safety, often investigate deaths of people who die in police custody. Ranger Juan Lozano will lead the investigation. Abilene Police and the Taylor County Sheriff’s Office are cooperating with the Texas Rangers investigation

According to news archives, the APD's last in-custody death occurred in October 2006, when Jeffrey Trotter, 27, died after police found him rambling and in possession of methamphetamine. **very odd**very similar situation**

GIRL!’s (aka kb’s) husband and r had known kris for years... they were the friends you still keep in contact with, maybe just on occasion but sometimes not… hindsight is 20/20 and I guess looking back you could see from about age 12 that he wasn’t going to have a “normal” life… there is so much history there… in this one person… the number of people he affected in both so many good and bad ways… I honestly had no idea that his death would really make me stop to think about a lot of things… we always joked about how something crazy would happen to him… but that’s the way it would happen because that’s the way he lived… he was cracked out, literally... But, I honestly believe he was a “good” guy… there was good in him… wasn't there??

I was “talking” to one of my friends about this and this was our conversation:
Me: I guess it makes me think about all the friends I have that could be in that situation…
S: You just have to remember that 90% of people in situations like that put themselves there through the choices that they’ve made.
Me: You are exactly right (not a big surprise) but it still makes me sad for them… and then the people they’ve “left”… too soft-hearted huh?
S: No, not too soft hearted. You never stop caring for them, you just realize that you can’t always save them.

That's exactly what I needed to hear. Now, that's what I just need to know and understand, you can't always save them.

Going & Going & Going

my mind will not shut off!!! morning, noon, or night, it doesn't matter what time it is my mind is racing... it really drives me crazy, especially at night... when i'm trying to go to sleep and i can't... i just keep thinking... yuck!!! i actually think it might be that i'm not as stressed and my body is like, um, ok, what is the problem, something is missing, oh, lots of stress!! let's see if we can add that back in, we're not "normal" without it...
i called a realtor this morning... she's coming by at 3 today to "get a feel" for the house and then she said she would be able to give us an idea of what we should ask for the house... i'm so super nervous about this... R and I got the bushes trimmed and the yard edged but not mowed or blown off... so right now, in my opinion, it looks kinda, um, not as good as it could look... normally, i would have no problem mowing and blowing the driveway and sidewalk off but since the surgery i'm off yard duty for 2 months... it's so close to being 2 months but i so don't want to take a chance on messing anything up... the realtor and i talked for a little this morning and she understands, her mom is trying to figure out how to get her back fixed (same disc as mine)... another reason i'm so nervous, i'm so scared they'll be like, um, no one is going to buy this house... it's not bad though... we've lived here for 5 years and have had our fair share of problems but nothing out of the ordinary... ok, except for the house getting struck by lightening but i really don't know if that was (all) our fault... i mean, if i'm such a bad person that my house is going to get struck by lightening, i should have much bigger worries than our house not selling... other "bad" news, R and I have talked and have decided that we should quit feeding the BYK's (back yard kitties) since there are only about a million of them, that way when they do show the house there aren't a million kitties all over the back yard... dang, that is going to be super hard for me... they're so cute and we have a new batch of kitties... but we are going to be moving and we can't take them with us so this is probably the best plan... earlier, when I said we decided to quit feeding the BYK's it was really R that came up with that and I couldn't disagree with him... I wanted too but as the song says, sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing are the same...
tomorrow is my 6 week dr. appt after my surgery and i have a feeling that he will release me to go back to work... that makes me nervous too... I've gotten in the habit of not working and am really dreading going back... BAD.... I know I need too and I have too but man, I mean... i am not a big fan of change at all... ironically, change is the only constant...
anyways, enough griping... everything will work out for the best, just like it always does... i have a feeling that the more stressed i get the more i'll blog... (read: i'll be here a lot!)

Stopping By

i just thought i'd stop by and say hi... check in... there hasn't been much of anything going on... i thought since i was off work i'd probably be a blogging fool... not so much... all i've been doing is walking and working a little... km brought over an accounting program and i'm going to start helping them keep books... i'm excited about that... plus, added bonus, the accounting program will make my life so much easier keeping everything for the restaurant... this will be the last week i actually have to "do" payroll the old way... which is awesome!! (read: i won't be stressed all weekend long until i have payroll done!).... YES!!
my first post-op appt went great... he told me everything was looking good... i go back on the 18th for my 2nd post-op appt... he told me to walk 3-5 miles a day... woah!! that's a lot of miles in one day!! needless to say, i've been working on getting to the 3 mile mark... i was using my gazelle (yes, tony little's gazelle)... today i started using my walk away the pounds dvd... this i like... i can handle this... in less than 20 minutes i can walk a mile in my house... 30 minutes you can walk 2 miles and in 45 minutes you can walk 3 miles... since it's considering "aerobic" walking i started with 1 mile.. i can always walk 1 mile more than once... so, my goal is to work up to 3 miles... i knew after the surgery walking would become an everyday part of my life... i'm just still trying to get used to that... ugh, exercise... i've been stretching too... it's amazing how much flexibility i've lost... before the surgery i could put my hands on the floor without bending my knees, pretty much fold in half... i've just come to the point where i can actually put lotion on my feet if i'm sitting down... oh well, all i've got is time... and that's what it's going to take... being pain free though is worth it!! i just need to keep remembering where i "came from"...
i've started being more conscious of what i'm eating (most of the time)... i've been thinking about joining weight watchers again... i lost 49.5 lbs from january to the end of june at the beginning of 2006... i think i've done a damn good job keeping it off too (especially since we bought a restaurant!)... and i wasn't really doing much exercise when i lost all that weight either... so i was thinking, if i started watching what i eat and keep walking maybe i will lose more weight!! i did like weight watchers though... at least for the accountability...
on the kitty front, mazzy has managed to clean herself up... she's just discolored now... poor dirty kitty... she keeps wanting to go back out in the garage though... um, no!!
the restaurant is rocking along nicely... R is going to have to fire some dead weight tomorrow so that should be interesting... we already know it's not going to go well... whatdaya do though?
i'm not going to complain that there hasn't been much going on though... i will take not much over stressed out anyday!!! i just need to keep that in mind too... things are good though...
today's positive thought is: HANG IN THERE..... YOU CAN DO IT.

Um....

the week was ok... better than last week i think... i don't know, it seems like it's been hard for me to keep up everything lately... life and time just kinda seem to be running together (and flying by!!)...
tuesday momma and i had to go back to plano to the back institute to get the results of my neurology tests... almost a 2.5 hour drive for a 25 minute visit... not that i should really be surprised though... on july 10th i go back down for a discogram but the good news is that i get the results of the test later that day... they told me to schedule it so that we only had to make one trip down... here is what webmd says about a discogram:
a medical procedure that involves injecting a dye into the jellylike center of a spinal disc to help diagnose back problems. During discography, a health professional evaluates the amount of pressure needed to inject the dye into the disc, whether it causes pain that is the same as your regular pain, how much dye is used, and how the dye appears on X-ray once it is inside the disc.

my friend, jw, had a discogram done and she said it was horrible... it will only be bad if my disc is causing my pain... (hers was a disc and she said that it lit her up!!)... i'm not looking forward to this but at least we will know if it is a disc that's acting up...
it seems like it's been raining here forever... i think it's been raining for the better part of the last 2 weeks... (read: very unusual here in tx)... tuesday night we had a really bad storm (let me interject here- r slept thru all of it! i have no idea how!)... 90+ mph winds, rain, thunder, & lightening... i was awake most of the night thanks to the back, the kitties, and the storm... r's phone rang about 4:30 wednesday morning... it was our morning cook calling to say we had no power... most of i.p.'s power went out around 2am... the restaurant's did too... ah, the joys of being self-employed... i called txu and they said they were working on it but didn't have an estimated time of restoration... that's always a good sign! r and i both got up and went to work... i was sent home to work on payroll because yup, we had no power... needless to say, as soon as i got home, rrll called and said the power was back on so i packed up and went back to work... no power up at the restaurant though... we weren't the only ones without power though... my boss let us borrow a generator... r came and got it about 1:30 or so... otherwise we would have throw out all of the food... so r was on generator duty wednesday... we finally got power back around 6:15 wednesday evening... luckily our losses were minimal, especially compared to what they could have been...
friday night jw and i went and got a pedicure... friday morning my last pain patch fell off... ok, fine, i have 1 left which i'm saving for an "emergency"... i think a lot of what i'm feeling is in my head... maybe, maybe not? r told me that morphine is really addictive... no choice but to ride it out...
this is my last week of work before vacation!! YEAH!!! i am so excited that we are on vacation... (every year the week of the 4th of july and then between christmas eve and new years day, t shuts everything down and everyone is on vacation... plus, we're closed all the other holidays...) i just have to survive 5 more working days! then friday night i get an hour and a half massage from mary! right before vacation, i am really looking forward to that!!
anyways, i suppose i've done enough rambling for now...