Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
One More...
damn already... this has been my mantra for a few days now... today will be a good day...negativity get behind me!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Checking In
I’m not even sure where to start… dc and I have been so busy working on the kitchen… it’s looking really good though… we’re making excellent progress!!
Poor Murphy doesn’t seem to be taking all the construction too well though… he hides under the couch pretty much all the time and only seems to come out at night… it’s making me so sad but I don’t know what to do about it right now. (All I can do is just keep working on the kitchen, the sooner we get it done the better!!!) My daily kitty calendar said, “Because their sense of security is linked to their territorial instinct, cats make mental maps of their personal space. It may take a cat cartographer as long as 6 months before he feels he can settle down comfortably in a new home.” So poor Murphy hides all the time and Mazzy is out and about, always inspecting and wondering what’s going on; we have officially dubbed her the “project supervisor”. Last night dc had his drill bit set open on the floor and Mazzy was all over it, rolling around on it… she is nuts but apparently she loves chaos!!! Up until the construction got crazy both of the kitties seemed to be taking the move very well… so I’m really hoping that after all is said and done Murphy will be back to his old self.
There hasn’t been too much going on besides the kitchen… I’m working on dealing with the stress of having the whole house an absolute wreck and I think I’m doing ok… I’m very OCD and anal about everything… everything has a place and having sheetrock dust everywhere (nothing is clean!) and not having a kitchen is a little stressful but at the same time I’m learning to deal with it (I think!)…
Anyways, it seems there was so much else to say until I actually sat down and started writing and now my mind has gone blank (too much damn sheetrock dust!)…
Poor Murphy doesn’t seem to be taking all the construction too well though… he hides under the couch pretty much all the time and only seems to come out at night… it’s making me so sad but I don’t know what to do about it right now. (All I can do is just keep working on the kitchen, the sooner we get it done the better!!!) My daily kitty calendar said, “Because their sense of security is linked to their territorial instinct, cats make mental maps of their personal space. It may take a cat cartographer as long as 6 months before he feels he can settle down comfortably in a new home.” So poor Murphy hides all the time and Mazzy is out and about, always inspecting and wondering what’s going on; we have officially dubbed her the “project supervisor”. Last night dc had his drill bit set open on the floor and Mazzy was all over it, rolling around on it… she is nuts but apparently she loves chaos!!! Up until the construction got crazy both of the kitties seemed to be taking the move very well… so I’m really hoping that after all is said and done Murphy will be back to his old self.
There hasn’t been too much going on besides the kitchen… I’m working on dealing with the stress of having the whole house an absolute wreck and I think I’m doing ok… I’m very OCD and anal about everything… everything has a place and having sheetrock dust everywhere (nothing is clean!) and not having a kitchen is a little stressful but at the same time I’m learning to deal with it (I think!)…
Anyways, it seems there was so much else to say until I actually sat down and started writing and now my mind has gone blank (too much damn sheetrock dust!)…
Friday, March 13, 2009
Hindsight
You know what pisses me off more than anything… well, maybe not more than anything but right now it’s my more than anything… when someone can’t take care of something that is going to affect someone else… and it’s something so simple that one little phone call could take care of the whole situation… unfortunately it’s not something I can take care of though… believe me, I’ve tried calling, letters, faxes, but I don’t have the “authority” to remove myself… that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me but whatever… but then, the situation gets even better shall we say… the person doesn’t understand why what happened between you two happened… it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you “took care” of everything else like you took care of this situation… you put absolutely no effort into anything and just hoped someone else would take care of it for you… your relationships, your work/business, everything… that’s how you approach life… to me that’s sad that you don’t even care enough about yourself to try to take care of your own life... you try to act dumb (or whatever excuse you are using now) but it all boils down to being lazy and not wanting to do anything that would require you to take any action whatsoever until you have no choice but to take action… let’s rely on everyone else but the person best suited to take care of your life… I only wish I would have seen all of this sooner but they say hindsight is 20/20…
Monday, November 17, 2008
That Stings
A blog that’s finally not about food…
I understand that people can’t hurt you unless you let them hurt you… that doesn’t make it any easier though. Someone that is supposed to be one of the people closest to me in my life has really hurt my feelings and it’s not something that has just happened once. There have been a few situations and I’ve tried to just let it all go and not worry about it but like I said, it doesn’t make it any easier. I suppose this is just one way of finding out who your true friends are; friends that will love you and accept you when you’re happy or sad, rich or poor, no matter what your situation or what choice you make in life. I thought that this person was a true friend but over the past few months I’m thinking that 1) I was wrong in that assumption or 2) maybe things have changed between us and that’s not the case now. I have decided that I’m not going to apologize for the choices that I’ve made and that if my “friends” can’t be happy for me finally being happy then maybe they’re not really my friends after all. I don’t understand why they can’t be happy for me, maybe they’re not happy in their lives and seeing me happy upsets them, maybe they liked me better when I was sad and miserable most of the time, I don’t know the reason and I really don’t understand but there’s nothing I can do about it except try to remove myself from the situation. I’m not going to stand around and let them pick on me and make me feel bad about myself especially when the decisions that I’m making are making me a happier person and they are good decisions for me. I can’t do that because it’s not fair to me. And as selfish as that sounds, I have learned that I have to take care of me. This has made me realize who my true friends are and it makes me so grateful for them.
I understand that people can’t hurt you unless you let them hurt you… that doesn’t make it any easier though. Someone that is supposed to be one of the people closest to me in my life has really hurt my feelings and it’s not something that has just happened once. There have been a few situations and I’ve tried to just let it all go and not worry about it but like I said, it doesn’t make it any easier. I suppose this is just one way of finding out who your true friends are; friends that will love you and accept you when you’re happy or sad, rich or poor, no matter what your situation or what choice you make in life. I thought that this person was a true friend but over the past few months I’m thinking that 1) I was wrong in that assumption or 2) maybe things have changed between us and that’s not the case now. I have decided that I’m not going to apologize for the choices that I’ve made and that if my “friends” can’t be happy for me finally being happy then maybe they’re not really my friends after all. I don’t understand why they can’t be happy for me, maybe they’re not happy in their lives and seeing me happy upsets them, maybe they liked me better when I was sad and miserable most of the time, I don’t know the reason and I really don’t understand but there’s nothing I can do about it except try to remove myself from the situation. I’m not going to stand around and let them pick on me and make me feel bad about myself especially when the decisions that I’m making are making me a happier person and they are good decisions for me. I can’t do that because it’s not fair to me. And as selfish as that sounds, I have learned that I have to take care of me. This has made me realize who my true friends are and it makes me so grateful for them.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Another Post!!!
So, be proud of me, I earned a star for my calendar last night… I did my yoga dvd… and I can’t tell you how profound the change in my attitude was after I was done with yoga… yesterday was a difficult day emotionally for me… I think the majority of it is coming from pms but also from the fact that dc is gone and then from the “Friday event”…
On a side note- Friday I got some disturbing and not good news but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t going to blog about it and I’m not going to get into details but let’s just say that financially things have changed for me. It pisses me off to no end but like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m working to forget it the best I can. (The only reason I mention this is because this “event” was weighing heavy on my mind yesterday having to go to the dentist and not knowing how I was going to be able to pay for it. Luckily my mom is so freaking awesome and she “took care of it for me”. That made me cry, she has no idea how much that means to me, well, she does now, after I broke down in tears when she told me she had paid for it.)
One of our account reps and I have gotten to be friends… we talk when she comes in here and we text… she’s been inviting me to wine night with her and her friends for several months now and finally this Thursday I’m able to go! I’m really excited but at the same time really nervous since she is the only one that I will know but she is picking me up (she lives right around the corner). At least I won’t have to show up by myself. (I don’t know that I would!) Normally I wouldn’t do anything like this. Being married to my ex I became quite the socia-phobe!! Bad!!! Occasionally it would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to leave the house (and for a while didn’t). Since we are no longer together and dc and I are always going and doing being social has become quite a bit easier. I find myself falling back into my old patterns and habits- the way I was many years ago before I “hermited up”. Getting there Thursday night will be the battle but after that it will be fun!! Last night dc and I were talking and I was telling him the S had invited me to wine night and that I was going to go. This was our conversation:
dc: wait, did you say you were going to go?
Me: yes I am.
dc: really?? Do you know anyone else besides S?
Me: nope.
dc: and you’re really going to go?
Me: yes!!!
dc: good for you, I’m proud of you!! I know you’ll have fun!!
The only not-so-good part of wine night… I need to go get a bottle of wine and then she also said that they were having a Chinese Christmas with a fall themed gift (under $10) and if I wanted/could I could bring an appetizer or a small dish of some sort… normally I would be quite excited to do all this but it’s looking like wine night is going to cost me about $50 or $60 and that stresses me… oh well, it will be fun though.
I keep telling myself- focus on the positive, focus on the positive!! Think about what you want, not about what you do not want.
On a side note- Friday I got some disturbing and not good news but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t going to blog about it and I’m not going to get into details but let’s just say that financially things have changed for me. It pisses me off to no end but like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m working to forget it the best I can. (The only reason I mention this is because this “event” was weighing heavy on my mind yesterday having to go to the dentist and not knowing how I was going to be able to pay for it. Luckily my mom is so freaking awesome and she “took care of it for me”. That made me cry, she has no idea how much that means to me, well, she does now, after I broke down in tears when she told me she had paid for it.)
One of our account reps and I have gotten to be friends… we talk when she comes in here and we text… she’s been inviting me to wine night with her and her friends for several months now and finally this Thursday I’m able to go! I’m really excited but at the same time really nervous since she is the only one that I will know but she is picking me up (she lives right around the corner). At least I won’t have to show up by myself. (I don’t know that I would!) Normally I wouldn’t do anything like this. Being married to my ex I became quite the socia-phobe!! Bad!!! Occasionally it would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to leave the house (and for a while didn’t). Since we are no longer together and dc and I are always going and doing being social has become quite a bit easier. I find myself falling back into my old patterns and habits- the way I was many years ago before I “hermited up”. Getting there Thursday night will be the battle but after that it will be fun!! Last night dc and I were talking and I was telling him the S had invited me to wine night and that I was going to go. This was our conversation:
dc: wait, did you say you were going to go?
Me: yes I am.
dc: really?? Do you know anyone else besides S?
Me: nope.
dc: and you’re really going to go?
Me: yes!!!
dc: good for you, I’m proud of you!! I know you’ll have fun!!
The only not-so-good part of wine night… I need to go get a bottle of wine and then she also said that they were having a Chinese Christmas with a fall themed gift (under $10) and if I wanted/could I could bring an appetizer or a small dish of some sort… normally I would be quite excited to do all this but it’s looking like wine night is going to cost me about $50 or $60 and that stresses me… oh well, it will be fun though.
I keep telling myself- focus on the positive, focus on the positive!! Think about what you want, not about what you do not want.
Monday, November 10, 2008
A First... and Pics
So Saturday night was a first for me… I went to eat with km and her sister and I ordered grilled salmon for dinner… I debated and debated until I thought km and her sister were going to kill me… I was going to go with the usual “stand by”- a cheeseburger and fries but I just kept thinking, 10.8 lbs and 6.5 inches… really? Do I really want a cheeseburger and fries?? So I ordered the salmon and that was the first time I’ve ever ordered fish at a restaurant before. It was really good too!!!
Kim blogged about this and it’s something that I’ve really been thinking about lately and it has been bothering me. Since I decided to really get serious and commit to losing weight I have become obsessed with food. Thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, what I would like to eat, what is the scale going to say when I do eat. Surely this can’t be healthy. I know I have to be conscious of what I eat but obsessing over it non-stop? Is there no happy medium? I was really worried that I would just start eating everything in sight when dc left but luckily that hasn’t happened, something inside me is using what little self-control I have.
As far as exercising, I’ve only worked out one day in November so far. That is not good. I have that free year membership but I can’t quite get myself to go. I brought my bag of workout clothes today so maybe after I leave the dentist I can convince myself to go. I’ve also got my yoga dvd that I love doing but can’t seem to make myself actually get up and do it. Where is my motivation?? And why does it seem so much harder to work out with dc here? When he’s here I’m the one motivating us to go. What changes? I don’t understand and it’s frustrating me!!
I got pictures of Brianna! YAY! I even took a video of her dancing but I didn’t realize that you can’t rotate a video (or if you can I don’t know how) so I’m going to have to redo that… (actually, it never occurred to me that I would have to rotate it anyways)… once again, sometimes I am so smart it scares me…
Kim blogged about this and it’s something that I’ve really been thinking about lately and it has been bothering me. Since I decided to really get serious and commit to losing weight I have become obsessed with food. Thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, what I would like to eat, what is the scale going to say when I do eat. Surely this can’t be healthy. I know I have to be conscious of what I eat but obsessing over it non-stop? Is there no happy medium? I was really worried that I would just start eating everything in sight when dc left but luckily that hasn’t happened, something inside me is using what little self-control I have.
As far as exercising, I’ve only worked out one day in November so far. That is not good. I have that free year membership but I can’t quite get myself to go. I brought my bag of workout clothes today so maybe after I leave the dentist I can convince myself to go. I’ve also got my yoga dvd that I love doing but can’t seem to make myself actually get up and do it. Where is my motivation?? And why does it seem so much harder to work out with dc here? When he’s here I’m the one motivating us to go. What changes? I don’t understand and it’s frustrating me!!
I got pictures of Brianna! YAY! I even took a video of her dancing but I didn’t realize that you can’t rotate a video (or if you can I don’t know how) so I’m going to have to redo that… (actually, it never occurred to me that I would have to rotate it anyways)… once again, sometimes I am so smart it scares me…
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Not-So-Smart
So since I don’t have any Vegas pictures with me at work right now I’ll blog about something not-so-smart that I recently did… well, it’s actually two things but they kinda tie in together… first let me say that I am proud to be a Texan… knowing this, you would think that I would know more about my state if I’m so proud of it… apparently that’s not quite the case… when dc and I were in Vegas, one of the dealers decided we would play a little Texas history (it seems everyone asked where we were from due to our accents)… needless to say I get quite nervous when this subject comes up as history (and geography) are not my strong suite… the dealer reassures me not to worry, the first question is quite easy… what is the capital of Texas? Um, I’m not sure… I know it’s either Austin or Houston but in the middle of the “panic” I don’t really know so I look at dc… he looks at me like, really, seriously, and says we were just there, you don’t remember driving by the capital- in Austin??? Hhhmm, we were just there weren’t we… and then I remembered remarking that the Capital building was so pretty… ok… so then the dealer says, well, ok, I won’t ask you anymore history questions… whew, I was off the hook then!!!
Fast forward to last night… I get a picture message from one of my friends and for the life of me I can’t figure out what in the hell it’s a picture of… I’m turning the phone all kinds of sideways, up and down, no luck…
So this morning I text him back and ask him where are you?
him: do you really have to ask?
me: um, yeah…
him: I was at the Alamo…
me: oh! That’s what that was!!! I thought it was a profile of some guy and spent forever trying to figure out who it was… duh!!!
Sometimes I really wonder about me… does anyone else have this problem… or am I just so special in my own ways???
Fast forward to last night… I get a picture message from one of my friends and for the life of me I can’t figure out what in the hell it’s a picture of… I’m turning the phone all kinds of sideways, up and down, no luck…
So this morning I text him back and ask him where are you?
him: do you really have to ask?
me: um, yeah…
him: I was at the Alamo…
me: oh! That’s what that was!!! I thought it was a profile of some guy and spent forever trying to figure out who it was… duh!!!
Sometimes I really wonder about me… does anyone else have this problem… or am I just so special in my own ways???
Monday, September 08, 2008
Happiness
I know I keep blogging about being happy, mainly I think it’s because it’s something that I haven’t really felt in so long… bear with me…
For the past several months I have been so happy, happier than I have been in years. And it’s not just me that’s noticed. People that I don’t even know that well have made comments to me about it. I have mixed feelings about this. Was that I that unhappy that it was so obvious (to everyone) or now that I’m happy is it so obvious that I was unhappy? Does that even make any sense- is it the same thing? I’m hoping that it’s the fact that now that I’m so happy it’s obvious that I was so unhappy. I would hate to think that everyone was able to see that I was so unhappy for so long, especially since it took me a long time to accept the fact that I really was unhappy and that I needed to make a change. Needless to say, I suppose that none of that matters now because I am happy. I have made changes in my life for the better and for my happiness.
dc came into town early. I got back from Corpus on Monday the 25th and he was supposed to be here Friday the 29th. He ended up coming in Thursday. Only one day difference but I’ll take it any time! Originally he was supposed to be leaving today but he told me last Thursday morning that he wasn’t leaving today. I finally had the heart to ask him yesterday when he was going back “home”. He said he’s thinking next Monday (never would be fine with me, I think he should just move back here).
We decided that we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas “break”. Our Christmas vacation will be a long one this year too. We’ll work the 23rd and then not have to come back until 5th!!! Way too awesome!!! We’re going skiing in Breckenridge so that we can ski Vail and another place too (only I can’t remember the 3rd place). I’m really excited. Our weight loss isn’t going so swell but it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he is an amazing cook and is showing me how to navigate the kitchen. I know for a fact that I haven’t met anyone who can cook like dc can. We did buy a grill for my apartment though so hopefully we can try to cook a little healthier. I am inspired by Ilax and her weight loss though!! I need to follow her example!!!
On Labor Day we went bowling. I took a bowling class in college and never managed to break 100. Needless to say, in 2 different games I broke 100!!! I was so excited!!!
Saturday we went golfing in Muenster. They have the most beautiful golf course; hills, water, trees, everything that our golf courses in town don’t have. Everyone playing Saturday was playing so slow so I golfed a bit. I am currently learning how to putt. I suck pretty good at golf but it’s still fun and I love that dc is trying to teach me how to play. He doesn’t get frustrated and I don’t get embarrassed around him (that I suck). He’s a very good teacher.
(I do have pictures of my bowling scores and our golf trip to Muenster but I just can’t seem to remember to get the usb cord from dc so I can put them on the computer.)
Yesterday was a lazy Sunday. The only time I left the apartment was to go to get ice cream- I know, I know, once again, I wonder why we can’t lose weight. We watched 3 football games and the race. The Cowboys played an excellent game and Carl raced a good race.
I’m excited to see what this week has in store though. Life just keeps getting better and better.
We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.
— Anne Frank
For the past several months I have been so happy, happier than I have been in years. And it’s not just me that’s noticed. People that I don’t even know that well have made comments to me about it. I have mixed feelings about this. Was that I that unhappy that it was so obvious (to everyone) or now that I’m happy is it so obvious that I was unhappy? Does that even make any sense- is it the same thing? I’m hoping that it’s the fact that now that I’m so happy it’s obvious that I was so unhappy. I would hate to think that everyone was able to see that I was so unhappy for so long, especially since it took me a long time to accept the fact that I really was unhappy and that I needed to make a change. Needless to say, I suppose that none of that matters now because I am happy. I have made changes in my life for the better and for my happiness.
dc came into town early. I got back from Corpus on Monday the 25th and he was supposed to be here Friday the 29th. He ended up coming in Thursday. Only one day difference but I’ll take it any time! Originally he was supposed to be leaving today but he told me last Thursday morning that he wasn’t leaving today. I finally had the heart to ask him yesterday when he was going back “home”. He said he’s thinking next Monday (never would be fine with me, I think he should just move back here).
We decided that we’re going to go skiing over my Christmas “break”. Our Christmas vacation will be a long one this year too. We’ll work the 23rd and then not have to come back until 5th!!! Way too awesome!!! We’re going skiing in Breckenridge so that we can ski Vail and another place too (only I can’t remember the 3rd place). I’m really excited. Our weight loss isn’t going so swell but it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he is an amazing cook and is showing me how to navigate the kitchen. I know for a fact that I haven’t met anyone who can cook like dc can. We did buy a grill for my apartment though so hopefully we can try to cook a little healthier. I am inspired by Ilax and her weight loss though!! I need to follow her example!!!
On Labor Day we went bowling. I took a bowling class in college and never managed to break 100. Needless to say, in 2 different games I broke 100!!! I was so excited!!!
Saturday we went golfing in Muenster. They have the most beautiful golf course; hills, water, trees, everything that our golf courses in town don’t have. Everyone playing Saturday was playing so slow so I golfed a bit. I am currently learning how to putt. I suck pretty good at golf but it’s still fun and I love that dc is trying to teach me how to play. He doesn’t get frustrated and I don’t get embarrassed around him (that I suck). He’s a very good teacher.
(I do have pictures of my bowling scores and our golf trip to Muenster but I just can’t seem to remember to get the usb cord from dc so I can put them on the computer.)
Yesterday was a lazy Sunday. The only time I left the apartment was to go to get ice cream- I know, I know, once again, I wonder why we can’t lose weight. We watched 3 football games and the race. The Cowboys played an excellent game and Carl raced a good race.
I’m excited to see what this week has in store though. Life just keeps getting better and better.
We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.
— Anne Frank
Monday, August 04, 2008
Head Above Water
The past few months I’ve been a “bad blogger”. I suppose I should say my blogging has been basically non-existent. The reason(s) for this… I’m not sure what to say, how much to say, what do I feel- this changes all the time, and then the main reason- I’ve been too down to even want to try to put any effort into blogging. It also seems that me feeling down and not really wanting to put any effort into anything is spilling over into other areas of my life as well- keeping in touch, emailing, basically being a productive person in most areas. I’ve tried to hide this and just keep it out of sight from (most) everyone. I realize that this is not healthy but that’s how I’ve been coping, or trying to cope anyways.
The past month or so I’ve been sleeping about 4 hours a night. Normally when I wake up and I’ve got at least two or more hours left to sleep and I can’t go back to sleep I get pissed. I lay there and get more and more mad so by the time my alarm goes off I have started the day in a super foul mood. Last week I decided that I would walk over to the fitness center in the apartment complex. So for 3 days last week I would find myself in the fitness center using the elliptical for 30 minutes at some crazy time of the morning when all the people in their right minds are still sleeping. At least I wasn’t already fuming mad when it was time for me to “get up”. Last night I actually slept. After tossing and turning for an hour I crashed. Finally. This morning when the alarm went off I was so tired the last thing I wanted to do was to get up but I did. I’m worn out now but hoping that I can get some sleep again tonight, it’s amazing how good sleep can make you feel.
So I’ve officially been in my apartment for a little over a month. The kitties have adjusted well. And they’ve been very good company. I picked up a final copy of our divorce decree last Thursday. So far so good. R and I are still talking and getting along. Things between us are weird for sure but there’s no hard feelings or bad blood. We’re both just taking care of what we need to take care of and trying to go from there. August 25th is the 60th day of our cooling off period. My attorney said he would schedule a court date and let me know when it is.
Last Sunday my car broke. And then I helped break it some more. Apparently somehow (and I have no idea how but I sure wish I knew!) I managed to put a hole in the oil pan and then proceeded to drive it with no oil in it. When daddy pulled the oil pan he noticed that the teeth from the cam gears were in the oil pan. Not a good sign at all. Right now I’m not sure what other damage I’ve done to the motor. It could be anything from just new cam gears to a whole new motor. Lovely. So now I’m car shopping.
Yesterday it was 107 outside and the air conditioner in my apartment decided to break down on me. Finally when it was 90 in the apartment I called the office and the maintenance guy came over. He rigged it up to work until he could get back over there today to fix it. All I know is that last night when I went to bed a little after 10 it was still 84 in there. Another lovely situation. At least this situation won’t cost me any money directly out of my pocket, not in repairs anyways.
As odd as this might sound, I know that this has been a rough patch for me but I do know with 100% certainty that it is for the best. Even though I’ve been down and haven’t been too overly optimistic, I do realize that I am already happier than I’ve been in a long time and that’s saying a lot. At least knowing (and feeling) that I’m on the right path to making me happier makes it easier to deal with everything.
On that note:
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." — Agnes Repplier
Sometimes, we can feel trapped by someone or a situation, but in reality we have created the situation ourselves by denying what we really want or who we really are.
Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.
The past month or so I’ve been sleeping about 4 hours a night. Normally when I wake up and I’ve got at least two or more hours left to sleep and I can’t go back to sleep I get pissed. I lay there and get more and more mad so by the time my alarm goes off I have started the day in a super foul mood. Last week I decided that I would walk over to the fitness center in the apartment complex. So for 3 days last week I would find myself in the fitness center using the elliptical for 30 minutes at some crazy time of the morning when all the people in their right minds are still sleeping. At least I wasn’t already fuming mad when it was time for me to “get up”. Last night I actually slept. After tossing and turning for an hour I crashed. Finally. This morning when the alarm went off I was so tired the last thing I wanted to do was to get up but I did. I’m worn out now but hoping that I can get some sleep again tonight, it’s amazing how good sleep can make you feel.
So I’ve officially been in my apartment for a little over a month. The kitties have adjusted well. And they’ve been very good company. I picked up a final copy of our divorce decree last Thursday. So far so good. R and I are still talking and getting along. Things between us are weird for sure but there’s no hard feelings or bad blood. We’re both just taking care of what we need to take care of and trying to go from there. August 25th is the 60th day of our cooling off period. My attorney said he would schedule a court date and let me know when it is.
Last Sunday my car broke. And then I helped break it some more. Apparently somehow (and I have no idea how but I sure wish I knew!) I managed to put a hole in the oil pan and then proceeded to drive it with no oil in it. When daddy pulled the oil pan he noticed that the teeth from the cam gears were in the oil pan. Not a good sign at all. Right now I’m not sure what other damage I’ve done to the motor. It could be anything from just new cam gears to a whole new motor. Lovely. So now I’m car shopping.
Yesterday it was 107 outside and the air conditioner in my apartment decided to break down on me. Finally when it was 90 in the apartment I called the office and the maintenance guy came over. He rigged it up to work until he could get back over there today to fix it. All I know is that last night when I went to bed a little after 10 it was still 84 in there. Another lovely situation. At least this situation won’t cost me any money directly out of my pocket, not in repairs anyways.
As odd as this might sound, I know that this has been a rough patch for me but I do know with 100% certainty that it is for the best. Even though I’ve been down and haven’t been too overly optimistic, I do realize that I am already happier than I’ve been in a long time and that’s saying a lot. At least knowing (and feeling) that I’m on the right path to making me happier makes it easier to deal with everything.
On that note:
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere." — Agnes Repplier
Sometimes, we can feel trapped by someone or a situation, but in reality we have created the situation ourselves by denying what we really want or who we really are.
Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Step One
I went to see a/my lawyer this morning. It’s a very straight-forward uncontested divorce but since we have the restaurant a friend of mine recommended going thru a lawyer, basically to protect me since we did buy it while we were married. I can’t believe how expensive it is to get a divorce. I think our marriage license cost maybe $10 but the divorce is over 100 times that much. I obviously chose the wrong profession. They said that there is a 60 day “cooling off” period so it will be at least 60 days before the divorce is final. I’m looking for a place to live right now. I’m leaning more towards an apartment or something so I don’t have yard work to do. I don’t mind doing yard work occasionally but I think it would get old after a while. R is letting me take the kitties though.
Last night while I was reading the comments that were left by my blogger sisters, I realized why I hadn’t blogged about all of this. It hurts. Even though this is what I want and what will be best for both of us in the long run it still hurts, bad. I’ve been to see a counselor once, just to figure out if I was making the right decision. I’ve given this so much thought, ok, this whole thing has done nothing but consume me and eat at me for months now. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am ok with being divorced. I am ok with being alone. No matter what happens I will be ok. I’m still scared to death though. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes not. I just know that it’s time for me to work on me being happy. This is step one.
Last night while I was reading the comments that were left by my blogger sisters, I realized why I hadn’t blogged about all of this. It hurts. Even though this is what I want and what will be best for both of us in the long run it still hurts, bad. I’ve been to see a counselor once, just to figure out if I was making the right decision. I’ve given this so much thought, ok, this whole thing has done nothing but consume me and eat at me for months now. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am ok with being divorced. I am ok with being alone. No matter what happens I will be ok. I’m still scared to death though. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes not. I just know that it’s time for me to work on me being happy. This is step one.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Over
A lot has happened since the last time I blogged. Basically the long and short of it is that I decided that I wanted out. We are now talking divorce and all the things that come along with that. On the good side though, we are remaining civil. We have both decided that there is no reason for us not to be civil; it will make things easier both now and in the long run. We want to remain friends after this. Last week we talked about who wanted what and how we were going to separate everything. We had no problems with that. Everything has been going smooth thus far, I just hope it stays that way. We should be fine as long as his mother stays out of it. That’s another story for another day though. I haven’t blogged about this yet because I’m not sure what to say or even where to start. Ironically, I was the one who wanted the divorce but I’m the one who doesn’t want to talk about it. I do have an appointment with an attorney in the morning though. We’ll see how that goes.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Dirty Laundry
A month ago I gave R a letter that said I’m unhappy and here are the reasons why I’m unhappy. The letter wasn’t all, here’s what you’re doing wrong, it was here’s why I’m unhappy and what I’m feeling is happening to us. We talked and he is really making an effort to make things better. What I don’t understand is why isn’t this making me happy? Is it a little too late? Should I have said something sooner? What is my problem?
There are so many issues I feel are causing problems in our relationship. He brought up a good point the other day. We were married in June 2003 and my back problems started in August 2003. The problem was finally fixed in August 2007 but I’m still not back to 100%. I don’t know if part of the problem we are having is us trying to have a normal relationship after all the back problems, you know, like finding a “routine” that works for both of us.
About a month before I gave him this letter, he “cornered” me one day and we had a “talk”. We needed to communicate more because we don’t communicate well and all our talks end up in fights. Then a month later I gave him the letter because what we talked about wasn’t working, nothing had changed. We can’t talk about anything serious with arguing. My guess would be 99.9% of the conversations we have end up with one of us getting mad. It’s really hard to communicate and try to work on things when this is happening.
Another of my hang-ups is the fact that we never go anywhere or do anything. It took me a long time to remember and realize that I used to go and do all the time. I was never at home, now I’m always at home and it’s driving me nuts. I hate it. Unfortunately, R is not good with the public, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything but when we do it’s always hectic.
The last issue to tackle is the restaurant and I don’t even want to go there right now.
So, here it is, most of my “dirty laundry” for everyone to see. These are some of the bigger problems that I feel R and I are battling. The reason I’ve been thinking of seeing a therapist is to find out why I’m acting and responding the way I am. I can sit back and pin-point exactly what I’m doing. I realize what I’m doing but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it or control it.
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
The truth is that we do not need pleasurable circumstances and events to evoke happiness with us. Happiness is within us at all times. Just as soon as we make the decision to be happy, regardless of our circumstances, it manifests.
No person, thing or circumstance controls our response to that person, thing or circumstance. We choose our own responses. We have complete control over our state of mind and happiness is a decision that we make between our ears.
“Knowing” that you are in complete and total control of your life, and that no one or no thing can have any control or influence over you without your permission puts you in the place of power.
There are so many issues I feel are causing problems in our relationship. He brought up a good point the other day. We were married in June 2003 and my back problems started in August 2003. The problem was finally fixed in August 2007 but I’m still not back to 100%. I don’t know if part of the problem we are having is us trying to have a normal relationship after all the back problems, you know, like finding a “routine” that works for both of us.
About a month before I gave him this letter, he “cornered” me one day and we had a “talk”. We needed to communicate more because we don’t communicate well and all our talks end up in fights. Then a month later I gave him the letter because what we talked about wasn’t working, nothing had changed. We can’t talk about anything serious with arguing. My guess would be 99.9% of the conversations we have end up with one of us getting mad. It’s really hard to communicate and try to work on things when this is happening.
Another of my hang-ups is the fact that we never go anywhere or do anything. It took me a long time to remember and realize that I used to go and do all the time. I was never at home, now I’m always at home and it’s driving me nuts. I hate it. Unfortunately, R is not good with the public, he never wants to go anywhere or do anything but when we do it’s always hectic.
The last issue to tackle is the restaurant and I don’t even want to go there right now.
So, here it is, most of my “dirty laundry” for everyone to see. These are some of the bigger problems that I feel R and I are battling. The reason I’ve been thinking of seeing a therapist is to find out why I’m acting and responding the way I am. I can sit back and pin-point exactly what I’m doing. I realize what I’m doing but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to fix it or control it.
It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
The truth is that we do not need pleasurable circumstances and events to evoke happiness with us. Happiness is within us at all times. Just as soon as we make the decision to be happy, regardless of our circumstances, it manifests.
No person, thing or circumstance controls our response to that person, thing or circumstance. We choose our own responses. We have complete control over our state of mind and happiness is a decision that we make between our ears.
“Knowing” that you are in complete and total control of your life, and that no one or no thing can have any control or influence over you without your permission puts you in the place of power.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
13 Affirmations
I will explain everything later and in somewhat more detail but I’m sure that by now you know that I’m not happy and haven’t been happy. I know I’ve been unhappy in my current situation for over a year but I’ve been trying to just “hide” it. I’ve learned that this only works for so long. Eventually everything seems to blow up in your face and then you have a complete shit-storm to deal with instead. I have been looking for a counselor/therapist to see. I have finally realized and accepted that the problems are within me, not anyone else. So on that note, here are 13 daily affirmations that I’m going to try to instill in myself.
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
I now take charge of my life. I accept the responsibility.
2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
My first conscious act must be to remove negativity from my life.
3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
Happiness is created, not waited for.
4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.
5. I am what I think.
I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.
6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.
7. Love can change the course of my world.
Caring becomes all important.
8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.
9. The past is gone forever.
No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
10. All love given returns.
I will learn to know that others love me.
11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
I treasure all moments of my new life.
12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
This is what I am and I shall know it always.
13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Signs & Baby Steps
I was reading an article in a magazine today and this was a quote in there:
The only person who can ultimately change that opinion for you is you. If you don’t change your mind, your mind will not get changed.
The past few weeks my life has been filled with “signs”, things that appear because they are supposed to be there for me to see and they make me feel better and more at peace with everything that’s been going on… anything and everything from someone saying something “random”, a song that comes on the radio at the “right” time, an email… (for those who don’t believe in all these “coincidences”, I can only imagine how ridiculous this must sound… I’m fine with that though, trust me). In one way I feel like it’s so bizarre, almost like life is surreal, that my thoughts and decisions are being validated, but maybe they are, maybe the universe knows that I need these signs. Something has to change, and I know this now, but the hard part is figuring out what part to change. Which leads me to this….
The baby steps… dc and I were talking about life and I made the comment that I would like a “life redo”…
M: I would like a life redo
D: Why?
M: So that I could change my life
D: Can’t you do that now?
M: Huh? What?!? (with a look of utter confusion on my face)
D: Start over, now, today, tomorrow. Trim the fat but take baby steps. Think about one small tiny thing that makes you unhappy. What purpose does it serve? Can you change it to make you happy, is it worth it? Fix it or get rid of it. Each thing you conquer builds you up in so many different ways.
M: Phenomenal!!
This might be plainly obvious to some people but apparently it’s not (or wasn’t) to me. I mean, I guess I know that you can always change stuff but I’m not sure exactly how to say this or whatever… maybe it’s because of the magnitude of what’s going on, that I’m not “supposed” to be thinking about changing stuff like this because it’s just wrong. All I know is that it took him saying that to me to fully understand and realize that I can change my life if I’m unhappy. I have the power to do it, I can do it, and there’s nothing wrong with starting small. I know that being able to be happy in one area of my life will so help with all the other areas. So onward change, here I come!
The only person who can ultimately change that opinion for you is you. If you don’t change your mind, your mind will not get changed.
The past few weeks my life has been filled with “signs”, things that appear because they are supposed to be there for me to see and they make me feel better and more at peace with everything that’s been going on… anything and everything from someone saying something “random”, a song that comes on the radio at the “right” time, an email… (for those who don’t believe in all these “coincidences”, I can only imagine how ridiculous this must sound… I’m fine with that though, trust me). In one way I feel like it’s so bizarre, almost like life is surreal, that my thoughts and decisions are being validated, but maybe they are, maybe the universe knows that I need these signs. Something has to change, and I know this now, but the hard part is figuring out what part to change. Which leads me to this….
The baby steps… dc and I were talking about life and I made the comment that I would like a “life redo”…
M: I would like a life redo
D: Why?
M: So that I could change my life
D: Can’t you do that now?
M: Huh? What?!? (with a look of utter confusion on my face)
D: Start over, now, today, tomorrow. Trim the fat but take baby steps. Think about one small tiny thing that makes you unhappy. What purpose does it serve? Can you change it to make you happy, is it worth it? Fix it or get rid of it. Each thing you conquer builds you up in so many different ways.
M: Phenomenal!!
This might be plainly obvious to some people but apparently it’s not (or wasn’t) to me. I mean, I guess I know that you can always change stuff but I’m not sure exactly how to say this or whatever… maybe it’s because of the magnitude of what’s going on, that I’m not “supposed” to be thinking about changing stuff like this because it’s just wrong. All I know is that it took him saying that to me to fully understand and realize that I can change my life if I’m unhappy. I have the power to do it, I can do it, and there’s nothing wrong with starting small. I know that being able to be happy in one area of my life will so help with all the other areas. So onward change, here I come!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Happiness
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking… working on trying to figure out what makes me happy. This isn’t really a “coherent” post, more just like a collection of things I’ve found in random places that I think are appropriate and that fit here. Lessons I’m trying to learn, values to instill in myself, random things. I’m working on changing to be a better and happier person.
Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.
Christopher Robin said to Pooh: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time, often just one baby-step at a time and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. Stop waiting..... There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
You can learn to accept change with equanimity, absorbing each phase in stride and learning from each new experience. Instead of running for the hills each time a change arises, deal with change in three distinct stages: Loosen your grip, separate your feelings, and tap into wisdom. Learning to make peace with life's calamities—lost jobs, romances, dreams—does not mean you have to be passive.
"No matter where the problem is, how acute it may be, or how difficult the person may be, there is in the final analysis no one to change but yourself." - - Joseph Murphy
I kept looking for ways to fix the outside world so that I would enjoy it more. The problem is - the outside world is very resistant to being "fixed", especially the people in it. They seem to resent it if you try. What I know now is that none of those problems were outside me at all. As Joseph Murphy says, there was never anyone to change but me. And when I finally got miserable enough, I became willing to start work on myself. Here's the interesting part - as soon as I stopped blaming God and everyone else for my problems and took full responsibility for what I had created, my life began to change. I didn't see it at first, but I can sure see it now as I look back to that point 15 years ago. It reminds me of a little saying that I saw years ago - "My, how you've changed, since I changed." All that stuff I fought about in the outside world seemed to take care of itself when I started taking care of myself. So why am I telling you this story? Well, if there's any person, place or thing in your life that you think needs to be changed, why not think of it as a sign that there is something in you that needs work? Then ask that guiding Spirit within you what needs to be done, in you.
That doesn't mean that there is never any action to be taken in the outside world. It just means that you accept full responsibility for the situation being in your life, and you take corrective action without blame. You act in love, for yourself and others.
Follow your heart, and be courageous. Life will never ask more of you than you can handle, and great joy can be found right outside your comfort zone.
Christopher Robin said to Pooh: “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
Learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time, often just one baby-step at a time and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. Stop waiting..... There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
You can learn to accept change with equanimity, absorbing each phase in stride and learning from each new experience. Instead of running for the hills each time a change arises, deal with change in three distinct stages: Loosen your grip, separate your feelings, and tap into wisdom. Learning to make peace with life's calamities—lost jobs, romances, dreams—does not mean you have to be passive.
"No matter where the problem is, how acute it may be, or how difficult the person may be, there is in the final analysis no one to change but yourself." - - Joseph Murphy
I kept looking for ways to fix the outside world so that I would enjoy it more. The problem is - the outside world is very resistant to being "fixed", especially the people in it. They seem to resent it if you try. What I know now is that none of those problems were outside me at all. As Joseph Murphy says, there was never anyone to change but me. And when I finally got miserable enough, I became willing to start work on myself. Here's the interesting part - as soon as I stopped blaming God and everyone else for my problems and took full responsibility for what I had created, my life began to change. I didn't see it at first, but I can sure see it now as I look back to that point 15 years ago. It reminds me of a little saying that I saw years ago - "My, how you've changed, since I changed." All that stuff I fought about in the outside world seemed to take care of itself when I started taking care of myself. So why am I telling you this story? Well, if there's any person, place or thing in your life that you think needs to be changed, why not think of it as a sign that there is something in you that needs work? Then ask that guiding Spirit within you what needs to be done, in you.
That doesn't mean that there is never any action to be taken in the outside world. It just means that you accept full responsibility for the situation being in your life, and you take corrective action without blame. You act in love, for yourself and others.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
My Motto
So recently I decided that I was going to start working on myself… making myself a better person (working on my self-esteem issues along with other things) and start taking better care of myself…
I’ve been walking after work several times a week and I am really enjoying it so far… of course summer isn’t here yet so we’ll see how much I enjoy it when it’s a million degrees outside… hopefully by then I will be in a routine so it won’t be so “horrible”… I need to start eating better but I have to go to the store before I can do that and I am so not wanting to go to the store…
Anyways let’s get to the point… I have about a ton of music downloaded at home… last night I was trying to get out of my sad funk so I started randomly picking some tunes to listen to… I came across this song and realized I had never listened to the whole thing before so I cranked it up because I knew I really liked the chorus… thanks to Ja Rule and his song “New York New York” I am inspired… this has become my new motto:
I’ve been walking after work several times a week and I am really enjoying it so far… of course summer isn’t here yet so we’ll see how much I enjoy it when it’s a million degrees outside… hopefully by then I will be in a routine so it won’t be so “horrible”… I need to start eating better but I have to go to the store before I can do that and I am so not wanting to go to the store…
Anyways let’s get to the point… I have about a ton of music downloaded at home… last night I was trying to get out of my sad funk so I started randomly picking some tunes to listen to… I came across this song and realized I had never listened to the whole thing before so I cranked it up because I knew I really liked the chorus… thanks to Ja Rule and his song “New York New York” I am inspired… this has become my new motto:
“You can't take shit for granted, life is too short...
I'm not cocky, I'm confident
if you tell me I'm the best it's a compliment”
Oh yeah, I spent the majority of last night trying to figure out how to add tunes to my blog… no luck so far but I’m still working on it… I’m hoping to figure out how I can add a playlist…
Oh yeah, I spent the majority of last night trying to figure out how to add tunes to my blog… no luck so far but I’m still working on it… I’m hoping to figure out how I can add a playlist…
Monday, April 28, 2008
Changes
I don’t deal with things very well… I’m pretty sure it’s the approach I use… just don’t deal with it… just push it to the side until it gets to be so big and such an issue that I am forced to deal with it… over and over I’ve been shown that this technique for dealing with things isn’t effective but I still continue to use it because well, it’s the easiest… avoidance is my policy… like I said, not the best way to go but right now it’s how I roll…
Like usual, I’ve had all sorts of craziness going on in my head… normally I try to force something to happen instead of just letting life take its course… dc made a comment to me one night about me and my “self esteem issues”… something along the lines of, I have no idea where these come from… so I’ve been thinking on that… you know, I mean, I know where they come from but at the same time I need to respect and love myself more… if I don’t love me how can I expect anyone else to love me? so, in this confusing time of my life I have decided that I am going to work on me… km and I walked last week and I have decided that I am going to start walking… I have too plus I think it will make me feel better. I need to work on me… I need to figure out what will make me happy… what do I need? I’m doing a good job of figuring out what I don’t want and what doesn’t make me happy… so what will?
Some people think that believing in “signs” is silly… when I say signs I mean things that appear or come to you that you weren’t expecting… an email, something someone says to you, the weather, having your cards read… stuff like that… “signs that the universe sends you”… because as I’ve learned, everything happens for a reason… there are not really any coincidences… since Monday I have been getting sign after sign… one almost every day… and these are helping me to believe that I am heading in the right direction… that what I’m feeling is “right”…
I’m sorry for being so vague right now… there is a lot going on right now and I’m just not sure where everything is going to go… as of now I know what I need to do and I’m preparing myself for that…
Here is the first part of my weekly horoscope: There is a lot going on beneath the surface this week, courtney, the kind of thing that you can't quite get a handle on. You sense that there is a shift happening, but know that you have no control over what is about to take place. It is as though fate has the upper hand, but you are still master of your destiny. What is needed is to understand yourself from a deeper perspective than just your personality.
Like usual, I’ve had all sorts of craziness going on in my head… normally I try to force something to happen instead of just letting life take its course… dc made a comment to me one night about me and my “self esteem issues”… something along the lines of, I have no idea where these come from… so I’ve been thinking on that… you know, I mean, I know where they come from but at the same time I need to respect and love myself more… if I don’t love me how can I expect anyone else to love me? so, in this confusing time of my life I have decided that I am going to work on me… km and I walked last week and I have decided that I am going to start walking… I have too plus I think it will make me feel better. I need to work on me… I need to figure out what will make me happy… what do I need? I’m doing a good job of figuring out what I don’t want and what doesn’t make me happy… so what will?
Some people think that believing in “signs” is silly… when I say signs I mean things that appear or come to you that you weren’t expecting… an email, something someone says to you, the weather, having your cards read… stuff like that… “signs that the universe sends you”… because as I’ve learned, everything happens for a reason… there are not really any coincidences… since Monday I have been getting sign after sign… one almost every day… and these are helping me to believe that I am heading in the right direction… that what I’m feeling is “right”…
I’m sorry for being so vague right now… there is a lot going on right now and I’m just not sure where everything is going to go… as of now I know what I need to do and I’m preparing myself for that…
Here is the first part of my weekly horoscope: There is a lot going on beneath the surface this week, courtney, the kind of thing that you can't quite get a handle on. You sense that there is a shift happening, but know that you have no control over what is about to take place. It is as though fate has the upper hand, but you are still master of your destiny. What is needed is to understand yourself from a deeper perspective than just your personality.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Weekend Wrap-Up
It was so nice to actually have a weekend and not constantly be working… I didn’t do much of anything Saturday afternoon… we did go to Atwood’s… it was good, not quite as exciting as I had myself hoping it would be, but it was still good!! They did have little baby ducks, rabbits, chicks, & geese you could buy though…. they were cute!! I bought a little 4 pack of gardening tools and yesterday I cleaned out one of our flower beds… I didn’t buy any flowers and it’s a good thing, that one little flowerbed worked me over! Next weekend we’re going to try to trim the bushes and then I want to clean all the weeds out of it… it was so nice to be able to rest and relax and not feel so rushed, like I have a million things to do and no time to do them…
Ok, dc… he called Saturday night… R and I had just started Michael Clayton and my cell rings… it’s dc… so after I almost have a coronary and recover we start talking… he wasn’t an ass although it would have been easier if he had of been… he was very apologetic about some misconceptions that I had- like the reason we quit talking… and I also get some “issues” cleared up that had been on my mind forever… don’t get me wrong, I have more questions for him but Saturday night was kinda catch up night… we were on the phone for over 2.5 hours when his landline phone was going dead so he called me from his cell… we talked for about 45 more minutes and joked about how we used to talk like this all the time… I felt so much better after we talked… I’m not sure where to go with this now… I know, these pickles I usually get myself into are usually my fault…
On the bright side, today is a short day for me… I get to go to the dentist at 3:00… and I love going to the dentist… I love how clean my teeth feel afterwards… plus, momma cleans my teeth… bonus!!! And after this week we only have 8 more weeks until vacation!!!
Ok, dc… he called Saturday night… R and I had just started Michael Clayton and my cell rings… it’s dc… so after I almost have a coronary and recover we start talking… he wasn’t an ass although it would have been easier if he had of been… he was very apologetic about some misconceptions that I had- like the reason we quit talking… and I also get some “issues” cleared up that had been on my mind forever… don’t get me wrong, I have more questions for him but Saturday night was kinda catch up night… we were on the phone for over 2.5 hours when his landline phone was going dead so he called me from his cell… we talked for about 45 more minutes and joked about how we used to talk like this all the time… I felt so much better after we talked… I’m not sure where to go with this now… I know, these pickles I usually get myself into are usually my fault…
On the bright side, today is a short day for me… I get to go to the dentist at 3:00… and I love going to the dentist… I love how clean my teeth feel afterwards… plus, momma cleans my teeth… bonus!!! And after this week we only have 8 more weeks until vacation!!!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Something Different
Like always, as I recently discovered, my thoughts are crazy and all over the place… so last night on the way home from my massage I decided that I was just going to call dc and get it over with… do you remember that super sick rolling nauseous feeling you got the first time a boy called you or you called a boy… like, I would rather be doing anything in the world besides this right now… I start feeling that and I’m like, omg, what is my problem?!? I’ve known dc since we were like little…I can call him to say hi… I don’t know if it’s wrong or not… I feel like it is and that’s why I’m justifying it… I just really want to talk to him- you know, you can’t have it so you want it thing… honestly, now that he’s been on my mind for about 4 days straight, I really think if he does call me back, he’ll be an ass… which is fine… closure. Oh yeah, I had to leave a message… it was apparently his “business” line… the house next door to his parent’s… I think him and his dad (maybe) went into business?!?! And most embarrassing, I called three times… the first time my ear bud died (on my way home right after I decided I had to call him), called him from home, the 1st time, got the answering machine and could barely hear the message so I hung up… it took me a little but I managed to put two and two together and realized that must be the business line… what the hell, I called again, yes, again, I know, how desperate is that, I only hope they don’t have caller id, by this time I had worked myself up into a crazy frenzy and have no idea what I said on the message… I remember some of it but not all of it… but, it’s out of my hands now, his move… Now every time the phone rings I get nervous… why does this boy intimidate me like this?!?!
Anyways, today I think (hope) that R and I are going to go to Atwood’s, technically it’s called a “ranch and home” store but they have so much more than just that… I want to maybe get some flowers for this little flower bed in the front of the house… R wants a new weed eater… plus, I’ve never been and I really want to go, R said I would love it… so I’m super excited about this and really hope he’ll feel like going when he gets home from work… he’s been hectic already today! And bonus, I have no work to do this weekend other than CT payroll… very nice!!!
I’ll let you know how Atwood’s is… I can only imagine your excitement- a farm and ranch store!
Anyways, today I think (hope) that R and I are going to go to Atwood’s, technically it’s called a “ranch and home” store but they have so much more than just that… I want to maybe get some flowers for this little flower bed in the front of the house… R wants a new weed eater… plus, I’ve never been and I really want to go, R said I would love it… so I’m super excited about this and really hope he’ll feel like going when he gets home from work… he’s been hectic already today! And bonus, I have no work to do this weekend other than CT payroll… very nice!!!
I’ll let you know how Atwood’s is… I can only imagine your excitement- a farm and ranch store!
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