Feeling It

I am feeling the stress… the stress of remodeling the whole house in about 2 months and the stress of moving… for me moving is stressful enough… add in the remodeling and I’m out of control!! Last night dc called me his "little stress ball" and that fits perfectly. This past week I’ve felt like I’ve been just having a constant panic attack. Everyone says, don’t worry, don’t stress, you’re ahead of schedule. That’s great that everyone else feels that way but when you’ve got your stuff strung out between a house and an apartment and the house is almost done but not quite I’m going to be stressed. I also feel bad, and more stressed, because the kitties are feeling my stress and are stressing themselves. They know something’s going on because dc and I have been moving stuff out all week long. I wish the kitties understood when I tell them, don’t worry, you’re going too, just not yet!! Poor Mazzy has been all over me when I’m at home, like, hey, what are you doing, don’t forget about me, I’m still here!!! Murphy has spent most of his time under the couch or staring out on to the balcony.
The apartment is pretty much empty now except for the big stuff, you know, the washer & dryer, couch, tv, bed, dresser, and chest of drawers. We are supposed to be moving that stuff this weekend so hopefully the weather will cooperate. We had a cold front blow in and have a chance of snow today and tonight. If I wasn’t trying to move I wouldn’t mind at all but I’m not really looking forward to the weather being nasty (side note, it’s been in the 70’s lately and of course the weekend we are supposed to move stuff with the trailer the weather is not cooperating). I’m really hoping that getting moved will take the stress level down about 100 notches for me. I’ve already decided that I’m going to schedule a massage after the move is over. I was going to wait and schedule it after we got the kitchen finished but I don’t know if I can wait that long. Something has to give soon because I don’t like this all stressed out me… the always angry, irritated, or way upset me.

Hindsight

You know what pisses me off more than anything… well, maybe not more than anything but right now it’s my more than anything… when someone can’t take care of something that is going to affect someone else… and it’s something so simple that one little phone call could take care of the whole situation… unfortunately it’s not something I can take care of though… believe me, I’ve tried calling, letters, faxes, but I don’t have the “authority” to remove myself… that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me but whatever… but then, the situation gets even better shall we say… the person doesn’t understand why what happened between you two happened… it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you “took care” of everything else like you took care of this situation… you put absolutely no effort into anything and just hoped someone else would take care of it for you… your relationships, your work/business, everything… that’s how you approach life… to me that’s sad that you don’t even care enough about yourself to try to take care of your own life... you try to act dumb (or whatever excuse you are using now) but it all boils down to being lazy and not wanting to do anything that would require you to take any action whatsoever until you have no choice but to take action… let’s rely on everyone else but the person best suited to take care of your life… I only wish I would have seen all of this sooner but they say hindsight is 20/20…

Again?!?!

I’m not really sure where all of this “being so emotional” is coming from… or even why it’s here… I don’t know the answers to those questions but I do know that it’s driving me up the wall… I have been so emotional… extremely emotional…. Way too emotional…. I can’t even read some blog posts because I just bust into tears… I’m taking everything so personally…. And probably taking everything the way wrong way too… if there is any possible chance that something could be taken negatively, I will take it that way… I’m not like this all the time but I have been lately and like I said, it’s driving me crazy!!!! (Yes, my “visitor” is still here and has been for the better part of the past month… I’m pretty sure that my hormones are all crazy and that’s not helping me emotionally but I just can’t seem to make myself call the doctor. I suppose it’s just easier to gripe about it than actually do something about it.)
The holidays are usually a pretty emotional time for me but this year I am excited about them. I’m really excited about spending them with dc, who loves the holidays like I do, instead of with someone who doesn’t really care about them. For instance, this Thanksgiving was better than my past 8 have been. I wasn’t being pressured with “are you ready to go?”, “ can we leave now?”, “how long do we have to stay?”??? It was really nice to be able to relax and enjoy the time with my family.
That doesn’t help me with the way I’m feeling now though. I honestly feel like I can completely out of control, regarding my emotions anyways. Saturday dc and I were working and we had the radio on, it seems that every stupid song that came on brought tears to my eyes, and it was like all the songs were depressing too!!!! He told me last night that he’s leaving Monday and isn’t sure when he’s coming back… either Friday or Monday… of course we all know that my vote is for Friday… he said it depends on when his roommate is coming back… if he’s staying thru the weekend then dc will stay and they will work… if he’s coming back that weekend then dc will come back Friday… this really pisses me off end because his roommate is the one “helping” him to decide… I know, I know… selfish… it is very selfish of me but that’s the way I feel and I can’t help it… I really am working on and trying to be ok with all of this… with him “living” down there for about two weeks at a time but damn, he’s just killing me… getting used to him being here for a month at a time, then leaving again, just drains me… every time he leaves I feel like we’ve broken up because my life is the same as it was when he was here except he’s gone… I don’t get to go somewhere else and change up my routine…. once again, I’m being extremely selfish… I apologize for the majority of my posts being so negative and “all about dc” being gone and me being sad… I’m just really having a hard time with it and I feel bad talking about it because I know everyone gets tired of hearing it… so instead I just blog about it… it gets it out anyways…
I promise I really am trying to be positive and to stay positive but these damn emotions keep taking over and the negative just keeps on coming…

Enough Already

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, when I was in such a not-so-good mood, and was trying desperately to get out of the funk, I decided to finally make a gratitude list. I haven’t shared my list with anyone because for some reason I am embarrassed about it… because of what I put on there I guess? I don’t really know… my list made me realize that I do have an abundance of things to be thankful for but somehow when I go re-read my list, I get sad. Really sad. I don’t know why this happens. It bothers me though.
I don’t know if me getting so sad has something to do with the fact that dc’s leaving next Friday, the 12th, to go back to Corpus for about a week or what. (He’s mentioned several times in my gratitude list). And I know I have no reason to be sad about him leaving but ever since I found out earlier this week that he was leaving next Friday I have just obsessed over that. It’s driving me crazy. I’m driving myself crazy. He is still here for a week but I’m already thinking about him leaving (and yes, he’ll only be gone about a week) and I know that the week will fly by and it will all be ok but it seems that every time he leaves it gets harder and harder to say bye. Devastating is the word that comes to mind. I absolutely hate it when he’s gone. I just want to ask him, do you really have to go? Why can’t you just stay? I know I should be grateful for the time he’s here (because he’s here more than he is there) but damn it if I can’t be. We’ve been hanging out/dating for almost 8 months and I still feel like I did when our relationship was new. The whole, I can’t quit thinking about him all the time, I constantly want to be with him, how good he makes me feel, how I think I can’t possibly care about him anymore than I already do but somehow I manage to find myself caring more and more. Feeling all of these emotions makes me feel like a sad sap of a person. Is this normal or is there something just “wrong with me?” I would give anything for him to just move back. Bring everything back with him when he comes back for Christmas… even better would be him not leaving and over Christmas vacation going down there and packing all his stuff up and bringing it back. Like I keep saying, I know I can’t make this decision for him, he has to do it, but damn it, I hope he knows how much it hurts when he leaves. He did say that he was shooting for the first of the year as far as moving back goes because it’s really hard trying to work from Corpus and here. We’ll see. I don’t want to get my hopes up and get excited until I know for sure.
I just want out of this funk. After writing all of this, I’m thinking that my sadness could be caused by a multitude of different things right now, mainly the holidays and dc’s leaving though. I’m really having second thoughts about posting all of this… like I said, I just feel like such a sad sap because I guess it’s almost like I feel that my happiness is directly related to if dc is here or not... and I know that’s not the case, I’m just so much happier when he is here.

I'm Trying, I Really Am

Momma wrote me a letter once and in it she said something along the lines of, those that we are closest too will hurt us the most. It took me a long time to really and fully understand what she meant by that. Things have been a little on the “rough” side lately. With Thanksgiving tomorrow I’m really trying hard to focus on the good things in my life. I have so many things to be thankful for, I just need to get rid of the negative mindset and work on the positive mindset. That in itself is a challenge and right now I’m so tired and worn out. I’ve been sick since Sunday and on top of that haven’t been sleeping good at all, like 3 maybe 4 hours a night. I would so much rather be happy than sad, I just need to get there.
Ironically, after I published that I got an email which was very much needed…

For me, this picture embodies what I feel thankfulness is. Presence, Recognition, Honor and Gentleness
Thankfulness comes from awareness gained by being completely Presence in the moment.
This presence leads to a deep Recognition of what we have and how precious it all is.
The realization of the precious nature of what we have leads to Honoring it.
Honoring it leads to being Gentle with what we have.
Being Thankful can be like walking a razor’s edge sometimes. I know I fail at times to be Present, to Recognize, to Honor and/or to be Gentle. We all have varying issues that cloud our ability to be thankful for any given thing from a job to a relationship. Sometimes, it takes effort to be thankful! It is fighting yourself, your inner demons, to choose and have happiness. The Spiritual Warrior doesn’t fight the world. The Spiritual Warrior fights those things within him or herself that prevent health and happiness.
Wishing you all a grand GivingThanks day. May you have fewer inner and outer battles this GivingThanks day!

I Really Did...

So the wine party was last night… it was fun… there were 6 of us there… they said sometimes there can be up to 15 people there but I’m glad last night was small since I was so nervous anyways!!! the “girls” that were there were really nice (what was I expecting??) and made me feel really comfortable… that was really good!!! S and I went and ate sushi before the party and I got home a little after 10… not bad… not bad at all… I’m glad I went.
(This is where it gets bad!!) But, when I got home I was so hungry!!! I mean, starving (or so I thought)! I can only imagine that it was the wine I drank that made me think I was hungry but I had visions of a quarter pounder with cheese and fries dancing in my head… I changed clothes, washed my face, and got a bottle of water… dc was still working so I couldn't talk to him and I for the life of me could not get the image of McDonald’s out of my head… so, I gave in… I got in the car, drove to Mickey D’s, but when I got there I saw the line in the drive-thru and was so bummed out that it was so long. So I sat in the parking lot for a bit… yes, I did… I just sat there, hoping I guess that all the cars would be like, oh, we don’t want to be here, let’s just leave…. But instead of anyone leaving the line I left and went home. I was proud of myself for not giving into temptation but guess what is still dancing in my head?!?! If you just happened to guess a cheeseburger and fries you are a mind reader!!! Yes!!! Still!!! So, I have decided at lunch that I am going to get a cheeseburger and fries…. I can’t even begin to explain the amount of guilt I feel over this decision. Hello, it’s one meal?!?! It’s not like I’m committing to eating this for every single meal the rest of my life but I feel like I’m cheating!! And I keep telling myself, the only person I’m cheating is me, by not “rewarding” myself every once in a while. Before the sushi last night, I can’t remember the last time I actually ate something that wasn’t a Smart Ones or a frozen meal like that. If I don’t eat the burger and fries I’ll probably end up doing something really stupid later like eating a million burgers and fries… besides, one “bad” meal isn’t going to cause me to gain the 12.9lbs back that I’ve lost so far… (I weigh every morning and calculate my loss to that point but I only update the ticker on Wednesdays- why, I have no idea… maybe I’m scared I’ll constantly be adjusting it up and down)… I really like seeing the numbers on the scale go down and I think that if I eat bad today and they go up tomorrow, even just a little, I’ll freak out… we’ll see what happens… I almost had myself “talked into” going to Mickey D’s and it being ok, well, somewhat ok… now, I’m second guessing myself… all over one stupid cheeseburger and some fries….
(and to make it even worse, dc got a star for working out yesterday and I didn't. yes, this is his first star since he's been gone but still... so I ask you, WTH is wrong with me?)

UPDATE:
So I went to McDonald’s for lunch… got my quarter pounder with cheese meal… and you know, it wasn’t that good… the fries weren’t what I was hoping they would be nor was the burger… In my mind I was expecting something quite different… on the way I told myself, ok, when you’re eating, eat slow, enjoy it, this is a treat. Don’t just inhale the food and then think, hhhmm, I wonder if that was good…
Maybe it was the fact that I actually paid attention to how it tasted (and it’s always been not that good) or maybe something inside of me changed (hopefully) and maybe after it not being so good I won’t crave it anymore… I really don’t know and I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing… I’m hoping that I can remember how not good it was though.

Another Post!!!

So, be proud of me, I earned a star for my calendar last night… I did my yoga dvd… and I can’t tell you how profound the change in my attitude was after I was done with yoga… yesterday was a difficult day emotionally for me… I think the majority of it is coming from pms but also from the fact that dc is gone and then from the “Friday event”…
On a side note- Friday I got some disturbing and not good news but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wasn’t going to blog about it and I’m not going to get into details but let’s just say that financially things have changed for me. It pisses me off to no end but like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m working to forget it the best I can. (The only reason I mention this is because this “event” was weighing heavy on my mind yesterday having to go to the dentist and not knowing how I was going to be able to pay for it. Luckily my mom is so freaking awesome and she “took care of it for me”. That made me cry, she has no idea how much that means to me, well, she does now, after I broke down in tears when she told me she had paid for it.)
One of our account reps and I have gotten to be friends… we talk when she comes in here and we text… she’s been inviting me to wine night with her and her friends for several months now and finally this Thursday I’m able to go! I’m really excited but at the same time really nervous since she is the only one that I will know but she is picking me up (she lives right around the corner). At least I won’t have to show up by myself. (I don’t know that I would!) Normally I wouldn’t do anything like this. Being married to my ex I became quite the socia-phobe!! Bad!!! Occasionally it would get to the point where I wouldn’t even want to leave the house (and for a while didn’t). Since we are no longer together and dc and I are always going and doing being social has become quite a bit easier. I find myself falling back into my old patterns and habits- the way I was many years ago before I “hermited up”. Getting there Thursday night will be the battle but after that it will be fun!! Last night dc and I were talking and I was telling him the S had invited me to wine night and that I was going to go. This was our conversation:
dc: wait, did you say you were going to go?
Me: yes I am.
dc: really?? Do you know anyone else besides S?
Me: nope.
dc: and you’re really going to go?
Me: yes!!!
dc: good for you, I’m proud of you!! I know you’ll have fun!!
The only not-so-good part of wine night… I need to go get a bottle of wine and then she also said that they were having a Chinese Christmas with a fall themed gift (under $10) and if I wanted/could I could bring an appetizer or a small dish of some sort… normally I would be quite excited to do all this but it’s looking like wine night is going to cost me about $50 or $60 and that stresses me… oh well, it will be fun though.
I keep telling myself- focus on the positive, focus on the positive!! Think about what you want, not about what you do not want.

A First... and Pics

So Saturday night was a first for me… I went to eat with km and her sister and I ordered grilled salmon for dinner… I debated and debated until I thought km and her sister were going to kill me… I was going to go with the usual “stand by”- a cheeseburger and fries but I just kept thinking, 10.8 lbs and 6.5 inches… really? Do I really want a cheeseburger and fries?? So I ordered the salmon and that was the first time I’ve ever ordered fish at a restaurant before. It was really good too!!!
Kim blogged about this and it’s something that I’ve really been thinking about lately and it has been bothering me. Since I decided to really get serious and commit to losing weight I have become obsessed with food. Thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, what I would like to eat, what is the scale going to say when I do eat. Surely this can’t be healthy. I know I have to be conscious of what I eat but obsessing over it non-stop? Is there no happy medium? I was really worried that I would just start eating everything in sight when dc left but luckily that hasn’t happened, something inside me is using what little self-control I have.
As far as exercising, I’ve only worked out one day in November so far. That is not good. I have that free year membership but I can’t quite get myself to go. I brought my bag of workout clothes today so maybe after I leave the dentist I can convince myself to go. I’ve also got my yoga dvd that I love doing but can’t seem to make myself actually get up and do it. Where is my motivation?? And why does it seem so much harder to work out with dc here? When he’s here I’m the one motivating us to go. What changes? I don’t understand and it’s frustrating me!!
I got pictures of Brianna! YAY! I even took a video of her dancing but I didn’t realize that you can’t rotate a video (or if you can I don’t know how) so I’m going to have to redo that… (actually, it never occurred to me that I would have to rotate it anyways)… once again, sometimes I am so smart it scares me…

Step One

I went to see a/my lawyer this morning. It’s a very straight-forward uncontested divorce but since we have the restaurant a friend of mine recommended going thru a lawyer, basically to protect me since we did buy it while we were married. I can’t believe how expensive it is to get a divorce. I think our marriage license cost maybe $10 but the divorce is over 100 times that much. I obviously chose the wrong profession. They said that there is a 60 day “cooling off” period so it will be at least 60 days before the divorce is final. I’m looking for a place to live right now. I’m leaning more towards an apartment or something so I don’t have yard work to do. I don’t mind doing yard work occasionally but I think it would get old after a while. R is letting me take the kitties though.
Last night while I was reading the comments that were left by my blogger sisters, I realized why I hadn’t blogged about all of this. It hurts. Even though this is what I want and what will be best for both of us in the long run it still hurts, bad. I’ve been to see a counselor once, just to figure out if I was making the right decision. I’ve given this so much thought, ok, this whole thing has done nothing but consume me and eat at me for months now. I’ve come to accept the fact that I am ok with being divorced. I am ok with being alone. No matter what happens I will be ok. I’m still scared to death though. I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes not. I just know that it’s time for me to work on me being happy. This is step one.

Always on the Crazy Train

I was looking thru my blog searching for what I wrote about dc a long time ago and came across a common theme… most of my blogs contain something along the lines of: I feel crazy, I don’t know why I’m acting this way, why do I feel this way?, I’m so depressed…
I don’t think I understood what an emotional rollercoaster I was before now… don’t get me wrong, I know I’m a basket case, but I suppose I had no idea it was as all consuming as it is… I do know that I hate feeling this way and I hate acting the way I act sometimes… like suddenly getting mad over something stupid and insignificant or having a crazy ass mood change in front of people (very obvious, to me anyways)… I don’t know what to do about it though… I’m on all kinds of meds now and apparently they’re not working… or maybe they are and this is just life… I don’t know but I wish I did… surprise, this realization makes me sad...

Stopping By

i'm still here... things are going, some days better than others... the middle of the week was better than monday and better than friday has been so far... i'm not sure if it's my bipolar-ness acting up or if it's just because i'm letting myself get so stressed... but then i wonder, does everyone feel this way or is it just me? do i just not have good coping skills? (well, i know i do need help in that area)... how do other people stay so calm? or at least come across as being calm?
the open house is sunday... r and i have been packing up some of the clutter at the house... he's been moving some furniture around to make the rooms look bigger... tomorrow i'm cleaning the house like there's no tomorrow... the restaurant seems to be doing better since the price increase... things between r and i seem to be getting better for the most part... we still have our days but at least we're working on it...
my back is still doing great!! no pain!!! it's been 3 months since my surgery and my back couldn't be better!!! it was a total success!! and i have realized that it is worth every penny to be pain free!!!
on a better note though, november 9th thru 12th i'll be in port aransas with the girls... there are 6 of us going total... let's just say that there is the potential for drama there... i'm excited though, it'll be really good to get out of town and get away for a few days... and it will give r and i some time and space... which i think we need... i don't consider me going to plano time away really... so i've got my fingers crossed that the open house will go good and that next week will fly by... keep your fingers crossed too...

...

The depression has crept back in (pretty bad)… it’s been back for a while which somewhat explains my absence from here… I’m just so tired of being down and being sad (well, if I’m not sad I’m extremely happy- the perks of being bipolar)… it seems that there’s a lot going on right now and most of it makes me sad… it seems the good things are few and far between… the restaurant isn’t making any money, it’s not even paying for itself… we’re still having to borrow money to keep the restaurant open… and we can’t keep borrowing money much longer…we are about tapped out… but we did have another price increase over the weekend which should help… R and I have talked about the restaurant and that we can’t keep borrowing money so I kinda feel like this might be our last big push or effort to keep the restaurant going… I hate to even say this… it makes me feel like a failure… and I know R would feel that way… I just keep thinking, what were we thinking? Before we opened the restaurant things were so good… we were almost debt free (except for our house) and now we’ve gone right back to where we were in the beginning with all our debt… he’s really trying hard to make the restaurant work since we’ve had our talks and it breaks my heart because I’m so scared it’s not going to work… on the good side though, not owning our own business would be so much more stress free… I wouldn’t have to work all weekend long… R wouldn’t be as stressed as he is now… and he would be bringing home a paycheck which means we wouldn’t just be living on mine… I miss him, the old him, I miss doing stuff on the weekends, not being so tired and stressed all the time, I miss the way things were…
Which leads me to moving… I would really like to move to iowa park but I’m not sure if that’s going to happen… right now we’re still waiting on an offer on our house… we’re in contract on one in iowa park but it’s contingent with us selling our house… I’ve read that home sells slow way down before Thanksgiving and don’t usually pick back up again until closer to Spring… I’m stressing that… our realtor is having an open house on Sunday so maybe that will generate some interest… I’m stressing that because there is so much stuff that we want to do to the house before the open house but I feel like we have no time… and a lot of it is stuff that I can’t do… moving furniture and stuff like that… I am going to try to get some stuff packed up in boxes so maybe that will help…
As you’ve probably picked up from earlier, our finances are super tight… living on just my income is extremely hard… to be honest, I have no idea how we’ve made it as long as we have… last week I opened the mail up and discovered that even though my back surgery was in network apparently some of the doctors in the operating room were out of network (which I didn’t know, I assumed that since the hospital and my dr. were in network everything/everyone else would be) and now I owe the back institute a little over $8,000 on top of the other medical bills I’m trying to get paid off… I’ve got a little over $11,000 to pay off, just for my back… and I am stressed!!!
And to top it all off, R and I aren’t getting along so good… ok, things have actually been really stressful and we haven’t been getting along good at all… Sometimes things will be ok but for the most part it’s been hectic… we’ve talked… he’s not happy, I’m not happy and I’m not sure what we need to do to make us happy… I said I just want things to go back to the way they were before and he said that he doesn’t think that’s possible… so I have no idea where that leaves us or what to do…
All I know is that lately I feel like a failure, like I can do nothing right and my whole life is crumbling down around me… I know it’s not and that things can always be worse but right now I’m having a hard time really embracing that… so here’s all my “dirty laundry”… keeping it in wasn’t helping so maybe getting it out will help…

Ups and Downs

Lately my mood has vacillated between happy and sad… I don’t know if it’s because there’s such a “variety” of things going on or what… so, the list of goings on:
• The BYK’s (back yard kitties) are gone… a decision was made to stop feeding them since we’re trying to sell the house so I quit feeding the kitties… I saw two of them out there last night waiting for me and it broke my heart! Tonight when I was coming home there was a kitty in the street… (not alive)… just laying there… and that really upset me…
• I’m in the process of getting over (read: taking antibiotics) for a bacterial infection… sinuses? I don’t know, I don’t know what that means and for once I’m too lazy to actually look it up… normally that’s the first thing I do… she said I have a lot of fluid on my ears… makes sense since I haven’t been able to hear!!
• I haven’t been walking because I’ve been so busy and haven’t been feeling good… I started feeling really bad Sunday and since then my walking has pretty much been non-existent… and I can tell too… my back is stiff!! I mean!!! I’ve had my walking shorts and shoes with me this week in case I got a chance to go walk around the lake but didn’t get the chance…
• It’s already the beginning of October and we’re still in the 90’s… last night at 10:00 it was still 78 outside… that’s just nuts, but that’s our weather for you! I am ready for fall though!! Ready for cooler temperatures!!!
• I’ve been helping out with Round 2 of tax season… if you filed an extension then your tax return is due October 15th… so that’s what we’re working on now… I’ve started keeping books for km but right now it’s tax time… it’s just really nice to get to work over there with them… it’s like working with family… everything is so relaxed and comfortable…
• We came to an agreement on the house we like in I.P. We made an offer, he countered, then we countered and now they’re making the changes to the contract so it will all be “legal and binding”… we came up $4000 from our original offer and he came down $3900 from his original price… exactly where I wanted to be!! Now all we have to do is sell our house!
• Our house has been showing like crazy… I would say it averages one showing a day… and considering the housing market right now that’s pretty good… no offers yet but when the right person comes along it will all fall into place..
• Here’s the main thing that’s been on my brain this week though…

ABILENE -- The Abilene Police Department has requested assistance from Texas Rangers for the investigation of the death of a 27-year old man who was brought into police custody after 5 p.m. Monday on a public intoxication charge. Abilene Police arrested Kris Rupe after they were called about a disturbance in the Quail Hollow Family Housing. Police say Rupe was aggressive and throwing bricks and they had to use pepper spray to restrain him. Police also say that Rupe had to have his feet restrained in the patrol unit because he was still combative. During booking at the Taylor County Jail, the suspect began having breathing difficulty. An ambulance took him to the hospital, where he died. Rupe’s body has been taken to the Tarrant County Medical Examiner’s Office for an autopsy. Police would not say whether Rupe's death was drug-related.
"At this point, that is just speculation," said Sgt. Joe Tauer, APD's public information officer. "But there is suspicion as to whether he was under the influence of some kind of intoxicants."
According to his driver's license, Rupe's address was in Wichita Falls. Abilene police said they did not know if Rupe had moved to Abilene, if he was in the U.S. Air Force, or if he was staying with a friend at the apartment complex. The Dyess media relations office did not immediately return a telephone message Tuesday afternoon.
Assistant Chief Mark Moore said investigators with the Texas Rangers, a division of the Texas Department of Public Safety, often investigate deaths of people who die in police custody. Ranger Juan Lozano will lead the investigation. Abilene Police and the Taylor County Sheriff’s Office are cooperating with the Texas Rangers investigation

According to news archives, the APD's last in-custody death occurred in October 2006, when Jeffrey Trotter, 27, died after police found him rambling and in possession of methamphetamine. **very odd**very similar situation**

GIRL!’s (aka kb’s) husband and r had known kris for years... they were the friends you still keep in contact with, maybe just on occasion but sometimes not… hindsight is 20/20 and I guess looking back you could see from about age 12 that he wasn’t going to have a “normal” life… there is so much history there… in this one person… the number of people he affected in both so many good and bad ways… I honestly had no idea that his death would really make me stop to think about a lot of things… we always joked about how something crazy would happen to him… but that’s the way it would happen because that’s the way he lived… he was cracked out, literally... But, I honestly believe he was a “good” guy… there was good in him… wasn't there??

I was “talking” to one of my friends about this and this was our conversation:
Me: I guess it makes me think about all the friends I have that could be in that situation…
S: You just have to remember that 90% of people in situations like that put themselves there through the choices that they’ve made.
Me: You are exactly right (not a big surprise) but it still makes me sad for them… and then the people they’ve “left”… too soft-hearted huh?
S: No, not too soft hearted. You never stop caring for them, you just realize that you can’t always save them.

That's exactly what I needed to hear. Now, that's what I just need to know and understand, you can't always save them.

I'm Back

see, what did i tell you, i'm already back...
everyone has a core support group of people in their life... mine are both friends and family... people that you know will be there for you even when no one else is... i've always been a daddy's girl but at the same time, momma was always the one there... i don't know if that makes any sense or not but just go with it... anyways, km and momma are my top two... momma is just momma, she's always there... she loves me even though she hates my tattoo and all my piercings... unconditionally would be the word... km has been my best friend for over 15 years... she knows everything about me and yet she too is always there for me... she always has been and i hope like hell she always is...
now in "my" world (reality) i'm not so big on the truth if it's not sugar-coated... (fine, i'm overly sensitive and take everything very personally)... so in my mind, my core support group of people should know this and take this into account... but i know you shouldn't just expect people to know something if you haven't told them... but yet i still get my feelings hurt and get bent out of shape when this happens... i also have the tendency to take things the wrong way...
so, what to do... how to work on remedy-ing this situation? now that's what's on my mind...

All Right....

we seem to be moving in the right direction, slowly, but at least we are moving... i left work at 1 today and met the plumbers at the house... they finished about 6 and told me to go ahead and call the gas company so they can head this way to turn the gas on... i call and the lady is like, nope, no city inspection was done, no gas... i am not a confrontational person and with everything else that's been going on lately i was in no mood to even try to argue with her... so i called r since he was the one who talked to them last night.... r calls them and not five minutes later the phone is ringing, it's r... the gas people will be over in a little bit to turn the gas on.... YES!!! so i'm waiting on the gas guy to get here... then when he does i'm sweating the pressure test since that's what failed us last time... we passed... so guess what, now we have our gas back on!!! who knew that getting your gas turned back on would be so exciting?!?! i must give it to r though... he is really the one who got it accomplished... all i did was stay here with the plumbers....

i must say though, as much as i hate to admit it, even with all the "problems" and "issues" i have, my life is not near as bad as it could be... thank you to everyone for sending kind thoughts and prayers my way...

In Addition...

and to continue the crappy weekend that has rolled over into the week when i got home from work today our gas company (well, there's really only one in town) was digging up the part of "our" yard between the sidewalk and the street... so they had turned our gas off... the guy is out here now to turn it back on but apparently has run into some problems... he's willing to overlook the copper pipes that are hooked up to our hot water heater but can't get something to hold pressure... so now, thanks to the stupid gas company we're going to have to call a plumber have him change out the copper lines, put shut off valves on all our gas appliances, and/after he gets a city permit... then we'll have to call the gas company back out to turn the gas back on...but, if they wouldn't have had to come out and turn our gas off none of this would have ever happened... and what really pisses me off, it's not like it was for non-payment... it was because they had a leak in their line... um, not my fault at all!!!! so why am i being punished?!?!?!
momma and i drove a total of about 5 hours today for a 25 minute dr. appt... now i have to call the back institute to schedule an appt to go and get the results from the neurologist and hopefully we'll know what's causing all the pain... i was stuck with needles and shocked... he said little shocks... um, not so much little... both legs were jumping off the table... it hurt like hell... i'm sure tomorrow will be nothing but fun recovering from the car ride and the needles and shocks (after taking a cold shower!)...
what in the hell have i done to "deserve" all this fun stuff?? i wish someone would please tell me so that i can be sure not to ever do it again!! i mean... just a little break please?!?!

The Blues

I’m being tested right now…. Not tested as in like a test to see if there is anything wrong with me but challenged in my life… the name of my challenger- PMS…. Sometimes it seems like PMS really doesn’t affect me that much and then some months, watch out, I’m like a walking talking emotional basketcase…. That would be the case today… and yesterday… with PMS though, there are some things that are just a given, like eating- wanting to eat all the time- craving sweets and salty foods- and pretty much just food in general…
This morning started off about like yesterday morning… (and like many mornings started when I was working at cingular, though not near as bad)….my thoughts weren’t very positive, I was already getting sad about leaving the kitties and r… even though r had already left for work… my thought pattern this morning and yesterday morning brought back memories of the way I felt everyday when I was working at cingular… most mornings I would end up bawling because I so didn’t want to go to work…. And I usually didn’t end up going to work… that’s not an option here and I’m kinda glad it isn’t…
Saturday after I got off work at the CPA office, I went home and R and I went to sam’s and bought a tv… 60”!!! that’s 5’ of tv!!! It is huge but I love it!!! that night, R and one of our friends came over to help us put it together and to hook all the stereo stuff back up… I can’t wait until Sunday, the Texas race is on!!! the first race on our big tv!! YEAH!!!
Easter Sunday R and I went over to momma and daddy’s and ate lunch… it was SO good… I haven’t had a home cooked meal in about forever and it was excellent… I just kept on eating and eating… it was so good to see momma, daddy, and grandma… I haven’t seen them in forever and I miss them… momma and I used to do something about once a week but since tax season has gotten a little hectic I don’t get to see her hardly at all… seeing them on Sunday really made me miss them though…. after we ate, r and I went home… I worked on and finished up my restaurant stuff and then we cleaned the house… I don’t know if the house was just that dirty or if we cleaned that good but the house looks awesome!!!
It was cold here this weekend (in the 40s) so the kitties were inside most of it… since I’ve been working late, Murph has been mr. snuggle-bug, I want/need lots of love and attention… I don’t think he likes both of us working late…. That’s ok though, I won’t be working late much longer… as of next Tuesday, things will calm down!!! But yeah, the kitties are so precious… Murphy is always wanting love and attention and Mazzy does too but she just doesn’t want to admit it….
And this probably sounds nutso- since R, I, and the kitties had such a good weekend and I got to spend so much time with them (and we had a really good weekend), I miss them… and the PMS just intensifies those feelings… I miss momma and daddy, doing stuff with them, getting to see them… I miss R with him having to work late every night… (hopefully we can move to Iowa Park soon and maybe that will change!!)
Overall, things are going good… 7 more days of tax season… then my weekends and week nights after work will go back to “normal”…. After tax season is over I’ll get to spend more time with the kitties and momma and daddy…. I had to take half a xanax this morning to keep from breaking down into tears every time someone said something to me… Anyways, I know my sadness is only temporary but I hope it passes soon…
Today’s positive thought for the day:
You are not limited by the thoughts of others. Your only limitation is the thoughts you choose to think. Whatever I believe with feeling becomes my reality.

Hot!!

After re-reading parts of my blog from last year about this time it seems that I keep blogging (and griping) about the same things…. Me not being able to “control” my emotions and keep myself in check… people getting on my nerves and driving me crazy… (the same people pretty much)… and being sad…. So, have I learned anything this past year? Yes, I have. Now if I would only apply it to my life maybe it would do some good…. Maybe I should look at it from a positive point of view…. Um, at least at this point I can acknowledge my emotions and I’m not scared to actually name the emotion that I’m feeling…. To myself or my blog anyways….
Life is like a circle…. Well, at least until you change some element of your life that will break the old circle and create a new one… not all circles may be bad for you… (I suppose)… but in my case, the circle that I keep going thru is self-destructive… and not just to me… to my relationships with others as well…. this is all from my perspective and lately my perspective has been pretty negative…. Here’s my situation as I see it anyways…
Somehow (and I have no idea how) I have a herniated disc… My back started hurting 2 months after r and I got married… it never got better, it just kept getting worse and worse… when it first started hurting it was just hurting down my right side…. I was off work for over 2 months and then continued to miss even after the dr. released me to go back to work… I have never been in so much pain… the first year of my marriage I spent in a narcotic induced haze…. I went thru oxycontin and morphine patch withdrawals and I would not wish that on my worst enemy….. the bad thing is that neither the oxycontins or the patches seemed to help the pain… my body just became addicted to me taking them like I was supposed too…. until I had gone thru the withdrawals firsthand I never really understood why it was so hard for people to just walk away from pills or just leave it alone… I was only on the oxycontin for 3 months and the withdrawals I had made me want to start taking it again… just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the withdrawals… they were the worst thing I have ever experienced…. Since then, basically I’ve been on hydrocodone for my back pain, which helps but doesn’t alleviate the pain…. I’ve had multiple sets of cortisone shots in my lower back…. Most of the time the shots work for a little while… this last set has worked for 1.5 years…. My back did start hurting again around the end of November…. I was doing really good not taking a lot of pain pills… only when I really needed them but now, I’m taking them all the time… my back has really been hurting… and it’s been hurting down the left side too, not just the right side… the last time I went to the dr. he had he wanted to do another mri and then schedule me for another set of shots… (dang ‘ol stupid money tree in the back yard had to go and die though!!)
R constantly gives me hell about my back… mainly because of the cost of the shots but also because his back “hurts like hell all the time but I don’t get to take off work or whatever, I just have to deal with it”…at my previous job the shots didn’t cost me anything… the set I got 1.5 years ago I just finished paying off in November… yes, right around the time my back started hurting again….. we’re really trying to move to iowa park to be closer to the restaurant so I haven’t said anything to him about my back or the shots….
Since my back has been hurting like the devil I have been eating my pain pills like there’s no tomorrow…. The pain pills don’t mess me up because my back hurts so bad… they numb/dull the pain a little but not much…. My pain pills do make me um, well, they affect my attitude… I’m sure my attitude is probably also affected by the pain and the pills not working too well, along with stress, but my attitude seems worse when I’m on the pills…. They make me so irritable… and pissy… everyone and everything gets on my nerves… I have no tolerance level for anything at all… I go from pissy to like super hot mad, extremely mad over the stupidest smallest things (worse than usual!!)…. R, my co-workers, the kitties, people driving, people at the store, basically anyone and anything…. I can take xanax with them but I can only take so many … the xanax affect my memory and make me so sleepy although they do help calm me down…. By the end of the day I’m so tired, from being irritable, being in pain, and the pills, that when I get home and it’s bedtime I just fall into bed… then the morning rolls around and I don’t want to get up because I’m pill hung over (which leaves me so dang tired!!!)…. It’s all a vicious circle… at least for me now…. I’m damned it I do and damned if I don’t….
That’s the reason I haven’t been blogging lately… I haven’t been in the mood and I don’t really want to spread the “cheer” that I’ve been feeling lately…. The only thing I’ve wanted to share lately is my nasty attitude… I figure, if I’m going to be in a bad mood then so should everyone else… (I know, that is SO horrible!!!! But it’s the truth….)
So that’s where I’ve been at lately… trying to figure out what the best course of action would be for me to take… something’s got to give… I am not speaking to certain people right now (mainly my co-worker)…. I just can’t and have no desire too… I have absolutely no patience with him and anything that I say to him will probably be really ugly…. R keeps asking me what’s wrong? Why won’t I lighten up? That just makes me even more mad….. this certain song chorus keeps running thru my head- why do you have to be angry all the time? I don’t know dammit!!! Or I do know! I believe it’s because of all the crap I’ve said above but I don’t know what to do about it….
My brother and his fiancée were in town this weekend and even he pissed me off… normally I just take everything he says in stride but man, his comments kept getting all over me… I finally just quit talking…. I was really hoping that him and his fiancée would come over to the house so we could visit but they didn’t…. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t feeling good on Saturday or what…. I took it as they just didn’t want to come over… (of course, the negative way to perceive it!) and that made me mad…. I see a pattern here… everything, and I mean everything, makes me mad… I know there is an answer out there but I haven’t found it yet… or maybe I have and I just looked at it the wrong way…. All I know is that I need peace… I need to find peace inside of me…
Of course all this negativity that I’ve been spewing out of me is affecting me in other ways too… I was going to count my points (from weight watchers) and start exercising… um, no… well, sometimes…. I’ve kinda been counting my points, the first week I lost 2lbs then this past week gained both back…. Not having someone to hold me accountable has kinda presented a problem for me so far… I know most of it is probably the attitude… maybe…. I don’t know… all I really know is that I feel like I’m in a funk and I don’t really know where to go to get out of it…. or for that matter, where to begin… maybe realizing (well, I’ve known that there is a problem, I’ve finally just admitted it) that there is a problem is step one…. We’ll see….

Remember, lifelong habits die hard. It is difficult enough to simply recognize our anger and jealousy, let alone to make an effort to hold back the old familiar tide of feeling or analyze its cause and results. Transforming the mind is a slow and gradual process. It is a matter of ridding ourselves, bit by bit, of instinctive, harmful habit patterns and becoming familiar with habits that necessarily bring positive results- to ourselves and others.

Awakening Session

this morning i had to go to the post office before i went to my awakening session.... i had been behind this lady in a brand new escalade for a while and she was driving like a crazy person, you know, waiting til the last minute to turn, crap like that, and not using her blinkers... sorry, but that is one thing that drives me crazy, not using your blinkers... i had already gone into the post office and come back out by the time that she was going in... i rolled down my window and said, m'am, i have a question for you, i see you're driving a brand new escalade, do blinkers not come standard on those? i mean, if it's an option i would like to know just so that i can be on the lookout for new cars so that i know that they may or may not have blinkers... she just stared at me so i drove off... normally this is something i would just rant about in my car and not actually say but for some reason today i did... i was pissed... then there was this lady/man (couldn't tell) but they were older than dirt trying to back out of their parking place and going the wrong way... damn already, take their license away before they kill someone!! i just started bawling after that... idiots!! i know, i should be able to deal with this, in the big scheme of things it's not that big of a deal but i guess i've just had it... with everything... until i went to my awakening session with jon, the "founder" of the community arts healing center in town... i've learned so much from him, now if i could only put it into practice like i know i should... they say it takes 21-28 days to make something a habit... i need to do this, for my sanity as well as for the "safety" of others...

this is what his website says regarding an awakening session:
The body is very complex, consisting of four main aspects. Those aspects are the spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical bodies. I have never seen complete, long-lasting recovery and health without addressing all four levels of an individual.
I have found that most people are willing to work on the physical body but shy away from working on their mental attitudes and habits, or their emotions. People will usually visit a chiropractor, doctor, or massage therapist to address the physical but avoid dealing with their emotions. These people do get relief from these modalities, but the relief can be slow in coming and short-lived.
The problem with just addressing the physical is that behind every physical illness and pain lurks an emotional or mental component/issue. If we only deal with the physical we miss a big part of the equation and total health and happiness is not achieved. To have true lasting health there must be a resolution not only within the body but also within the mind and heart!
I have extensively studied techniques that address the self in this holistic manner. I have found that a more complete resolution takes place when the body is approached on all levels. Up until now I have limited myself in the type of work I do for fear that these deeper modalities might not be appreciated or even understood. However, I have come to the point in my own growth that it has become necessary for me to work in this way with my clients. I feel that if I do not address all these aspects of healing, I am not giving all that I can to my clients. And It’ is very important for me to give 100% to the people I work with.
Bottom line: If we are not ready to address our emotional and mental issues then we are not ready to have complete health and happiness. This may sound a little harsh but it’s not meant to. It is simply the truth. Facing and defeating our mental and emotional demons is what the spiritual journey is all about.
My work consist of mental and emotional clearing techniques (EFT and PEAT) followed by physical (massage and stretching) and energetic (Reiki, BodyTalk, etc.) modalities. Depending on the time allotted for a session I can usually do two to three techniques if necessary. Each session I do builds on the one before. I still provide relaxing and deep tissue full-body massages for those of who enjoy the physical experience of a massage. However, if it is an illness and pain free body-mind that you’re looking for, I believe that these techniques are mandatory.

moose paid for my session today as my christmas present... she knows how stressed i've been and she's been going to the classes with me at the center... she told me about her session and about how he had brought up issues that she had been repressing but that were still affecting her in various aspects of her life... jon did the same for me... i really don't want to get into some of the issues right now, i'm still processing and digesting them but i feel so much better and so much more relaxed.... from the muscle testing he did, we found that one of the medications that i've been on for a long time has been "blowing out my body".... draining me of "life", making me more depressed, and basically in general not good for me... the valium he said is not doing me any good... it doesn't help me anyways, i can't feel it... he cleared some of the toxins in my body and said that i may feel ill or like throwing up for maybe the next 24 hours or so.... i told him, no biggie, that's what i've pretty much been doing since christmas eve eve... he said that the throwing up could be caused by all the stress that i've been under lately and that it's probably my body's way of trying to clear out the nastiness.... i have thrown up once since i got home and my tummy is terribly upset but that's really nothing new... i need to go to the mall and return a gift and get something else but that can wait... physically i'm not feeling up to it right now... i'm exhausted... mentally i am feeling better and more calm, which is a very good thing...
i feel like what i blogged last night was mean but i know that everyone has regrets of some sort... i'm not saying i regret where i'm at or who i'm with, i was just having some issues i needed to get out... hopefully later tonight i can get out my binder with my center/jon info in it and start going back over it... i think that will help a lot!! it is now nap time...

Crummy Christmas

I don’t really know where to begin with this… all I know is that I am so sad, I feel like I have this big empty hole inside me… which should be filled but isn’t… at least I feel like it should be filled… it just hurts so damn bad inside and I don’t know how to fix it or what to do… I just want it to stop and go away, leave me alone!!!
R’s brother came over Christmas eve eve and they started watching a movie… I was asleep thru most of it but woke up thought, oooh, I don’t feel so good, I’m going to bed… threw up before bed… woke up, r was in the shower, and I barely made it to the trash can in the bedroom when I started getting sick again…. R got out of the shower and took the trash out… sometime in the middle of the night, while still getting sick, I started throwing up “out of the other end”… I was up all night long getting sick… I called momma Christmas eve day because we were supposed to go over there about 3 or 4 and told her that we couldn’t come over because I was sick… she said no worries, just let her know about Monday.... I told her that I was feeling better and that I wanted to go to grandma’s… r and I went to momma and daddy’s… santa had came so we looked thru our stockings and then opened our presents…. Up until I got sick I was so excited about momma and daddy’s presents…. They weren’t much but they were so cute… 2 coffee mugs… each one had a pic of Mazzy on one side and Murphy on the other… the “right” one said merry Christmas grandma/grandpa… love Mazzy & Murphy 2006…. I still wanted to be excited about them but I couldn’t be… one side of me was thinking, how lame… that’s all you get your parents are 2 coffee mugs!!! I know it’s not the size of the gift but the thought that counts… momma and daddy always always ALWAYS take care of us and make sure that we have a good Christmas/birthday whatever it may be… what I always wanted in life was to be able to repay them for everything that they have done for me… and so far I’m still having to rely on them… I should be way past that point…. After we do presents at momma and daddy’s we go over to grandma’s for lunch… my cousin and her husband live around the dallas area and are running a little behind because she has morning sickness and a cold… we start eating, everything is still all good, get thru eating, I’m sitting there and all of the sudden I’m like mom, can I have your housekey? I get the key, go next door and throw up Christmas dinner… I walked back over to grandma’s and r and I left… I was in tears I felt so bad and that was embarrassing for me… I HATE to cry in front of other people!!! You would think I would be used to it by now seeing as how lately i can’t control anything, especially my crying or my anger….
Which brings me to my next set of circumstances that upset me… 2 major things, 1 thing I finally realized about r and 1 thing that I “regret?” the one thing I guess I finally realized about r… I mean, I guess it’s always something I knew but just thought that maybe would change… you know how the old adage goes, you cannot change people… I want some traditions just for us… you know, like on our birthday we always go and do this or around Christmas we do this…. Something that we do together as a couple… I saw how his family was before we got married but I guess I didn’t really think too much about it… god, I do not want to say this, how many times over the past two years have I thought, have I made a mistake?? Is this really who I’m supposed to be with? Would I allow myself to make a mistake like that? Which leads me into circumstance 2…. This was/is the worst one for me… momma told r and I today that my little (the only one I have) got engaged on Christmas eve (they went to visit her family somewhere way up north)… his fiancée is beautiful, smart, tiny, tan, blonde, and just so horribly nice it makes you want to puke… you (well, years ago I would have) looked at her and been like, ah, what a stuck up b!tch… she has matching traveling louis vuitton luggage… her dad went to tiffany’s and bought her a pair of diamond earrings for graduation… I mean, she has everything!!! So momma says that scott, my brother, went to tiffany’s and bought her a ring… her step-dad had bought them train tickets for a little 8 mile ride that served a 5 course meal and I don’t know what else… at the end of it he proposed… I don’t care that he bought her ring at tiffany’s… what hurts me the most is that when my future husband proposed to me I wanted it to be something so special… km and kb both had special proposals… I was so in on km’s too… ah, such a good plan and it worked out SO well…. She promised me that she would help whoever I decided to marry do something like that for me….i guess all wishes don’t come true… I guess I just feel like there were things that were important to me (and obviously still are) but I “sold out”… didn’t wait long enough, whatever, however you want to say it… it sounds horrible anyway I put it…
R and I both got Christmas money this year… most of it together but we usually split it unless there is something we decided to do jointly… this year, we’re splitting it… mine is going into the checking account to pay bills and I don’t know what he’s going to do with his… he said he needs to start “stockpiling” it… I’m sorry, I don’t know if this is selfish or not, it seems that I just give and give and give and he just takes and takes…. I feel like he never considers me first… not all the time, just once in a while!!! I always try to think about him or us first…
I don’t know if it’s just this time of year, pms, or what is going on with me but this has got to stop!! I have got to pull myself together!!! I took a pg test two Mondays ago and it said negative… I really hope to whatever higher power is out there that this is not what is going on with me right now, so me that i could do whatever i wanted to do with my life...i wanted to be an olympic swimmer for the US team (coach always told me i was good enough) or a pediatrician.... i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... not a good thing… I’ve been trying to keep myself sane by eating pills, pills, and more pills… but that’s not working anymore… I’m tired of trying to keep up the “cheerful disposition” and act like nothing’s wrong… I feel like if you look at an overview of me from the outside you see a happy, happily married, hard-working wife, who is stressed (and doesn’t deal with stress very well) but is doing the best she can… if you could see the inside of me, you would see a train wreck… I just feel like I’m one big disaster on the inside… I can’t tell right from left, up from down… something has to give or I’m going to break… sorry for such a cheerful happy Christmas story… not this year
growing up i dreamed of being a pediatrician or an olympic gold medalist swimmer(coach always told me i was good enough, one of the best he had seen)... but i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... things that seemed so important to me at the time, well, they're not important now... i only wish i had my priorities straight back then.... one day i will have a job doing what i love... being at the pool all day swimming, taking care of kitties, whatever it may be, i will have a job i love... people who have jobs they love and are passionate about are so extremely lucky!!
Ah, yes, one more thing… the other night murph was sitting on his front paws, like with his legs sticking out, but his paws under his body and I said, murph is so cute and he looks so comfortable… the first thing that came flying out of r’s mouth was, Murph you’d better not sit like that or you’ll need $2700 cortizone shots like momma does… I haven’t even mentioned that dr.’s appt to him… he’ll blow a gasket… I can’t help it dammit!! What am I supposed to do?!?!