More Ramblings

I slept in today… I didn’t even get up til after 11… it was so nice! I was so tired!! This morning I could swear I heard someone ringing the doorbell (repeatedly) at some ungodly hour, ok, like 9… I think the phone rings, my cell rings… I’m like, dang already! Don’t you know I ‘m trying to sleep… J
Last night, momma, daddy, and I went to eat at the restaurant… It was really good (like always & I’m not just saying that) and they had been busy… we ran some good numbers yesterday and r’s mood was even more improved when he got home (knowing we ran good numbers and his civic’s off the chopping block, for now at least… hehe
I think I’ve mentioned this but momma and daddy’s 35th wedding anniversary was Monday… that’s longer than I’ve been alive! They travel though… different places all during the year… I know momma told me that they were going to go somewhere this week… I asked her about it a couple of weeks ago and she just said, well, some things came up and we decided not to go anywhere… I wondered what she meant by this but figured if she wanted to say more she would… daddy told me last night why they didn’t go anywhere… my aunt, daddy’s sister, has cancer on her back and they have been battling it for over a year now… she’s had many different treatments of chemo but so far none of them have worked… that makes me realize how short life can really be and that I need to really be present in every moment… (yes, you need to prepare for the future but at the same time there is only so much you can do.. ) momma and daddy were in a situation to help my aunt and uncle out and they did (momma and daddy never cease to amaze me!!)… it’s these random acts of kindness that make you happy and you realize how special it is to help someone out while expecting nothing in return, just knowing that you helped to make someone’s life a little better….

Whatever

so, r called about an hour ago... he said that they got slammed at lunch and that is a good thing... then he made the comment, maybe i won't have to sell my civic... i have failed to mention that r has a project car, the civic, that he wants to turbo... before we opened he said, if things get tight and i need too, i can sell the civic... it really irritates me about the civic... ok, fine, he can have a hobby but why does it have to be so dang expensive!! and to be even more honest, i can't remember the last time he worked on it.... even before we opened the restaurant... it's basically just sitting in the driveway (in my parking spot up close to the house and the garage)... so i get to park under the tree that has one limb hanging over the driveway and guess what... that is where ALL the birds sit, at least my car looks like it anyways... anyways, he was so upset earlier because i had mentioned something a little bit ago about him maybe selling the civic to free up some money... that's where all his "concern" came from... having to get rid of the civic... that really pissed me off but... whatever though...
after that happened, everyone was pissing me off... especially my co-worker... dang!! i guess you could say i'm irritated now... no biggie... 24 minutes until this week is done!! i am so ready to sleep in tomorrow!!

A Little of This... A Little of That

It’s amazing how quickly something can change your mood… just one little thing… or maybe not so little… I guess it just depends on your perception…
Last night I was so excited!! K, my best friend, is a member of this organization BPW- Business & Professional Women… it’s a really great organization… she called last night on her way home from the yearly banquet and had some great news!! each year they pick a woman of the year… this year, k won!! I was so excited and proud of her!! she is the woman of the year and she is my best friend! how amazing is that!!! YEAH for her!! that is excellent!!
I was in a good mood this morning too… I’m so glad it’s Friday because I’m so tired! The night before last r called me into the kitchen to show me that our dishwasher was filled up with water almost to the point where the door hinged… I emailed momma and daddy (they can fix anything!) and they came over last night after my hair appt. to look at it… I felt so goofy… there is a drain button on the dishwasher and guess what, if you push that, the dishwasher drains! Luckily it wasn’t anything serious!! I was worried about it…
R came home last night in a pretty bad mood… we weren’t very busy yesterday and he was pretty mad about it… this is what changed my mood… he called earlier today and was griping because we had been slow this morning… he’s being very pessimistic and I can understand why… he’s been busting his ass and we have nothing to show for it… to be honest, we can barely pay our bills because of what our ex-waitress did to us… I have faith that everything will work out with the restaurant and be just fine, it’s just going to take us time to get back to where we should be… he calls today and is really upset… the most upset I’ve seen him (or heard him) in a long time… it made me so sad to hear him that down… I know he didn’t call to upset me, he just needed to vent… I just really hope for his sake that we get busy today… I hope we have an excellent lunch and dinner… we need to hit a high number today to help boost his spirits… momma, daddy, and I are going out there to eat tonight, I hope it’s a packed house when we get there…
I am really trying to be positive… I really am… I just keep hearing his voice in my head… bless his heart!! lately I’ve been doing “bad” things that I know I shouldn’t be doing or relying on just to keep me sane and trying to deal with everything… I need to learn to rely on me and my faith…
Can you believe October is almost over?!?! Dang!!! Time just flies by!
Those are just some of the things running thru my mind right now… I feel that I keep blogging the same thing over and over… if I am, I’m sorry…

The Best

i am so lucky... i really am... maybe i should look at it like, good stuff out = good stuff in...
i have the best husband... like i said earlier, i do gripe about him but at the end of the day when it's all said and done, i love him to pieces and wouldn't trade him for the world...
my family... i have the best family in the world... not once have mom or dad ever not helped me (or us), especially when we needed help... they have always been a big part of my life and i have relied on them a lot... it seems that there is absolutely nothing that they can't do.... honestly, they are so awesome!! their talents and generosity do not end... i only hope they know how much i appreciate them...
my in-laws... i know i only usually blog about them when i'm not happy with them or something but they really are good to us... they have helped us out too...
my friends... on days when i'm down all it usually takes is for one friend to say that one thing, whatever it may be, and my spirits are lifted, so to say...
i am truly thankful for everyone that is in my life... i know that they are meant to be there, for whatever reason it may be... this is my tribute to you...

update on some of the "challenges"...
my father-in-law got my leaky car fixed... turns out there is a tube at each corner of the sunroof that collects water- from the holes in the sunroof or something(?) - that drain down into each wheel well... the one going to my drivers side back wheel well wasn't even draining down into the wheel well but was also crimped and when the water backed up in the tube it just leaked (poured) into my car... ok, so that's taken care of...
the unemployment situation... r called them and gave them a verbal statement... he said that he told them everything... that he was trying to help her save face in a small town by saying that she was let go because she was unreliable... but her told her that he was really firing her because she was stealing, she knew her friends were stealing but didn't say anything, she was never on time, always calling in, blah, blah, blah... i could go on and on... r did a great job, a much better job than i could have done and i am really grateful that he took care of that situation... now the workforce commission has to contact her or make a decision i think.... i'm not sure though... (we did get the address situation with them cleared up...that was a difficult situation to correct...)

a really nice unexpected surprise- i had to go to the store after work (after i picked my car up!!) and then came home... i pulled up to the house and was like, dang, the house looks good... what's different? the grass was mowed (and bagged) and edged!! that has been on my to-do list for several weeks now but daddy came over and did the front yard today and him and momma are coming back tomorrow to do the back yard... that is so much of a stress relief... they are so wonderful!!

things are going so good right now... i feel like everything is going so great.... we hit a rough patch but we struggled thru it and now everything is getting better and better... i am so confident of r and i right now and i am so excited about what our future holds... it is amazing now but it is going to be even more amazing!!

Doing Better

I must say that I’m feeling much better today… even after my dr. appt. with my psychiatrist… he usually manages to upset me (I know, that’s part of his job to find out what’s wrong and that’s the upsetting stuff) but today went really well… the adjustments that we made on my meds last time seem to be working pretty well… except for when I was pms-ing it was a really good month… my anger, sadness, and emotions were controllable… if they become uncontrollable I need to call him…. Last night my mood improved… I came to the understanding that if s wants to file unemployment she can… she was the one who was worried about her reputation… not that she was getting fired… r told her that he was firing her because she was stealing, her response, is that what you’re going to tell everyone because I’m worried about what people will think about me… so he said, I’ll tell everyone that I let you go because of your reliability… not showing up on time, leaving all the time which left ellen, our morning cook, to wait tables and cook.. not cool, ellen said she would testify though if we need her too, that is very much appreciated… she was always calling in and trying to get people to cover her shifts, leaving early… no wonder she didn’t need to work, she was stealing from us… r and I talked last night about this whole situation and he has already called the workforce commission and given them a verbal statement about everything that was going on… she opened the can of worms by telling them she was fired because she needed to go to the dr and he wouldn’t let her off…. no, he gave you those days off…. Another life lesson learned though… I’m just really glad that r is taking care of this… he is so much better in these situations than I am…. he can stay calm, cool, and collected… me, I kinda get bent out of shape…
In the big picture, things are going really well… he is working his ass off up there and I couldn’t be more proud of him… I know I gripe about him a lot but at the same time I do need to cut him some slack because I really can’t imagine how stressed he must be… (he’s heard now that our morning waitress has sticky fingers.. my question, how hard is it to find an honest person to work now-a-days?!? Dang!! The register has been coming out right and the numbers we’re running look about right… he said he would keep an eye on it though…. now that he knows what to look for…)
I am really working on keeping a positive attitude… I think it’s going very good too… all I can do is keep on trying and know that I am better today than I was yesterday… today’s daily wisdom saying: Every experience we have in our lives manifests from our mind. Because you interpret your life and your world thru your mental attitude, it is important to have the right motivation.

All I Can Do Is Sigh

It’s so hard to believe that after such a most excellent wonderful weekend Monday can be so damn challenging… this weekend was so great, well, except for me getting irritated with r on Saturday up at the restaurant… other than that, it was a really good weekend…. we got to hang out with our friends b&k from dallas… we hadn’t seen them in about a month and this weekend we just got to relax and chill… just what we needed!! B helped r and daddy, more like, b & daddy, put the window unit in the restaurant, and r kinda just did whatever… the old one was in such bad shape and was not even working… it had masking tape on it, not even duct tape… ghetto!!
I should have known that because the weekend was so good I’d be paying for it this week… r was in a foul mood this morning… I guess I should just get used to his attitude being, Monday thru Saturday afternoon- foul & pretty much treating me or acting like I’m invisible… Saturday afternoon and Sunday- great, just like the “old” r, well, this weekend anyways…
Ever since labor day weekend, my car has had this really bad smell in it… I had some metal decorations for the restaurant in it and I thought that maybe they were causing the smell…. Nope, that wasn’t the case… so my car’s been stinking since then…. It has been raining since Saturday night… I got in my car this morning to go to work, was backing out of the driveway, and was like, is that water I hear? I turned around and the passenger door behind the drivers seat was leaking water like crazy… ok, more like water was just running in…. excellent… well, at least now I know why my car has been smelling moldy… my father-in-law came and picked my car up this morning to see if he can figure out what’s going on…. karma, huh… I guess that’s what I get for laughing at my co-worker and the ceiling in his office… I have absolutely no idea how we’re going to pay for this though… most excellent…
The next challenge… our ex-waitress, the one whole stole all the money but we can’t prove it was her but we know it was, has filed unemployment… the workforce commission called r this morning to see if we wanted to respond to her claim… um, we never got anything… something is going on with our mail up there… I dunno what it is but we’re not getting all of it… that’s another challenge to deal with… (r’s mom sent us a gift that really helped us out… ok, we would be way overdrawn in our business checking account if she hadn’t sent us the gift… back to the story)… so r calls me to tell me that the unemployment people called… she’s going to fax me the information… she said that she is filing because we fired her for her “health reasons”…. Um, no, more like she had stolen $5,500 from us and pretty much decided to quit showing up to work… reliability was a big issue for us with her… she is a good scam artist though… I’ll give her that… I am just praying that she doesn’t get this unemployment… I have no idea if we pay her or if the state does but if we have to pay her I dunno what we’re going to do… I suppose we’ll get it all figured out though…
They say that the universe never gives us more than we can handle at any one time and that everything that we need in this moment we have…. I am trying my best not to freak out and lose it… I am trying, I am trying, I am trying… damn, it’s so hard… I’m getting so frustrated but trying to keep my attitude positive… it’s really hard but I’m trying… and I guess that’s all I can do… ah, the joys of being an entrepreneur… I hate to even say this or admit it but sometimes I wonder if we’re going to make this work… when we were just talking about it and going thru the process I had no doubt in my mind that we could make it work… I can honestly say that buying the restaurant was the one thing that I have gone into with 100% knowing that it would be a success… I know we can still make it a success we just have to overcome these challenges… which just seem to be coming from every direction!! That’s ok though, what doesn’t kill us just makes us stronger…. We should be pretty damn strong after all this!

Rude?

I would like to get someone else’s opinion about this matter (if anyone comments that is; I don’t know if anyone reads my blog or not)… is it rude to ask my co-worker to “do his job a little better”? let me explain first, I can imagine how rude that sounds… so, the owner’s grandson, j, started working up here last week… he’s going to be taking over the business so that the owner can retire, he’s almost 70…. Before j started, my co-worker, was always bossing me around, treating me like an idiot (which he still does), and constantly telling me how to do my job… yes, he has been here for 33 years but still, I’m not a moron… he is always telling me how I need to pay this bill as soon as it comes in, circles the balances due on charge accounts we have (because I have no idea where to look, obviously) like credit cards, etc… duh… so, back to my question, he is constantly treating me like I’m stupid and explaining things to me like I am a moron (he way over-explains)… one of the bills that “I need to pay as soon as it comes in” has been sitting on his desk for 2 days, along with a pretty good stack of bills not considering the ones that came in today… one thing to mention, since j started, rrll has been showing him his job and has pretty much just quit working, except when the boss tells him to do something, and now he does nothing but surf the internet, run errands on company time, and of course, my personal favorite, work on his church stuff… so, is it rude of me to ask him if he can go thru the bills and get them to me so that I can pay them? He’s the one who freaks out if we don’t take a discount (even if it’s only change!) and now he’s the one holding me up… my opinion, he’s waiting for me to pay the bills I have now so that he can come in here and joyfully slam a whole new stack of bills in my basket for me to pay…. (he really gets a kick out of that)….
I have decided though that the next time he explains something to me like I’m an idiot I am going to just straight up tell him that contrary to his belief, I am not stupid or incompetent and do not need to be (or want to be) treated like I am… I would also like the same respect that he shows to the boss and j… if he goes in their office and digs for something he puts everything back where it came from… if he comes in here and digs thru my stuff he puts it back where ever and leaves a mess…. Not nice…

Pounding

I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible headache… all the way from the top of my eyebrows around the top of my head down to about the middle of the back of my head… I guess I should mention first that I’ve been having chronic, sometimes debilitating, headaches for over 3 years now….the first year we kept treating them with antibiotics because the doctor thought they were sinus infections… they feel like they are really bad sinus infection headaches too… after a year on antibiotics every month we finally guessed that they were not sinus related (also after many expensive tests I had done!) I personally think they are because of one of the 85 million medications that I’m on…. the medications being for my “mental” disorder… I do have some pain pills that I take as needed for my herniated disc but other than that and my birth-control pills, the rest of them are for my craziness… I was talking to my dr. the last time I was in and was telling him about theses awful night sweats I’ve been having… two years ago I thought my night sweats were because of withdrawals… long story short, a “pill happy” prescribing dr. decided that I should be taking 80mg of oxycontin 4 times a day to kill the pain from my herniated disc… during that when the pills didn’t seem to be working we went on to morphine patches… he just straight up pulled me off the oxys… I have never been thru so much hell as I went thru those couple of days and I was going thru withdrawals… omg… I would never wish that on anyone… it was the worst and most painful physical and mental experience I have ever had (I can honestly understand while people are addicted to pills, it would be so much easier to stay on them than to have to deal with the pain of getting off them.. I’m not saying it’s an excuse but I can understand)… after that I decided I needed to see another dr… I didn’t want to be a “pill-head” my whole life and knew that surely something else could be done… (woah, I got way off track)…. Anyways, after the oxy withdrawals my body temperature has been way out of whack, don’t know if it’s because of that or not… I’m either sweating hot or freezing (wearing a hoodie) cold… I thought the night sweats because of that since that is part of what I went thru while de-toxing…. The dr. said that once of my medications can cause night sweats… mine are so severe though that I’ll wake up and my sheets (and the t-shirt I have on) will be wet… not damp, wet… it’s really not fun… anyways, I’ve been really thinking about all these meds that I’m on… are they doing me more harm than good? (between the headaches, night sweats, and messing up my digestive system).. I’m no doctor but I think that my meds are part, if not most of, the reason that I’ve been experiencing all these things… is it worth it to stay on the meds, should I see if we can try something else, or should I just quit them altogether? These are some of the questions that have been running through my mind… I go see my dr. next Tuesday morning so hopefully we can talk about this and see what other options are available… all I know is that the headaches need to stop… now… mine today might be sinus, my throat is sore, my ears are stopped up, and I just generally don’t feel good... tonight is cleaning night but that might get put off until I get to feeling better… we’ll just have to see how it goes… hopefully my head won’t explode today…

p.s.. no yoga last night… after I got home from the store I started working on cleaning up the main computer… we’ve had the same hard drive for years (we just keep moving it from computer to computer) and I just keep adding stuff to it… I have to clean it up…

AAAHHHH!!!

contrary to what my co-worker thinks, i am NOT stupid nor am i incompetent like he is... i HATE it when people insult my intelligence... i can't help it if he is insecure with his stupidity and therefore thinks that everyone else is stupid and incompetent (or that alzheimers is setting in either, not my problem!!)!! he makes me so damn mad (especially when he insults my best friend, her sister, and their mom- they are our CPAs- they are the ones who got me this job!!)!!! i'm breathing deeply though, trying to let it go...

Sore

last night i did yoga for the 2nd night in a row.... yesterday i wasn't really sore (until i started doing yoga again)... today is a different story though... i am sore! that's ok though... i'm going to try to make it 3 nights in a row... we'll see though, i need to run to the store after work... tomorrow night is house cleaning night and i would kinda like to get a jump start on it but if not, no biggie... for some reason i want to clean really good... this could change though depending on what kind of day i have or how my attitude is... i'm feeling better and happier... that's a good thing...
i am having an internal dilemma though.. i was summoned for jury duty and i do not want to go... i called and they rescheduled it last time and now it's set for monday... i think one of the main reasons i don't want to go is because i've never been called before (well, when i wasn't in school) and that makes me nervous... plus, the whole social anxiety thing... so my dilemma is, i know it would be a lie but i could call and tell them i'm still in school... but, do they check?! they have started cracking down on jury duty here because no one would show up... i am already dreading it but thinking of telling a lie, even a little white lie, makes me feel bad... before i started working on changing my attitude and stuff i don't think this would have even bothered me... i'd have just called and been like, i'm in school... now, it's driving me crazy... i guess you could say i know what the "right" thing to do is, i just really don't want to do it... is there really any harm in a little white lie? i am scared to death!! any thoughts or opinions?

Rush & Rush

i can only imagine how tired everyone is of me blogging all the time lately... it just seems like i need to blog (and have time)... maybe it's because of all the changes going on in my life and blogging makes me feel like someone is interested (even if no one ever reads my blog)...
this morning i woke up with this song in my head... it usually happens every morning but this morning i was kinda humming and singing along and it hit me... i so need to implement this into my life... i don't know the name of the song or who sings it so i apologize for the plagarism before hand... the part that i was singing and pertains to me goes:

i'm in a hurry to get things done,

oh i rush and rush until life's no fun,

all you ever gotta do is live and die,

but i'm in a hurry and don't know why...

i need to learn to slow down and enjoy life... not try to hurry through it and miss out on the whole experience...

S.A.D.

i know that there is seasonal anxiety disorder (or something like that) but i think i may have another type of S.A.D... social anxiety disorder... this morning i was thinking how much i would love to work from home but how good for me would that be? probably not very considering i hardly ever leave the house anyways... usually, if i have something to do and don't do it right after work before i get home it usually doesn't get done... once i'm home, i'm home to stay... this weekend i left the house twice, once for food and once for ice cream... if i wouldn't have been pms-ing and craving something sweet (BAD!!) i probably wouldn't even have left for ice cream... if i worked at home, i would probably never leave the house... going to the store would be a major challenge for me... (sometimes it still kinda is)... i can't remember if i've always been this way or if it's something that has developed over maybe the past few years... i would say large groups of people intimidate me... not even so much large groups of people, pretty much any amount of people over like 4 or maybe 6, depending on who the six are.... i wonder if anyone else feels this way... (i really think this is another reason i ddin't go to my 10 year reunion)... it's crazy but even family that i haven't seen in a while intimidates me... like at christmas, whew, talk about anxiety... seeing family that i haven't seen in usually about a year, even though they're family & once i get there and get comfortable it's usually not too bad, it still gives me bad anxiety... i suppose this is something else that i need to tap on...
daddy says that if you can conquer your fear you can conquer the world (that is scary!!)... mom's reply, it looks like i won't be conquering the world (they were talking about her fear of heights)...

I Wonder....

they say that exercise makes you feel better by boosting endorphins (or something like that) in your brain... the past week or so i have really been wanting to meditate and do some yoga but i have just not been in the mood to do either... tonight when i got home from work it was cold (60 degrees) and rainy... i decided to do some yoga... my mood did start improving at work today but not near as much as it is now... before yoga i was sitting on the couch debating on what to go get for dinner... but the bad part is, i'm so lazy i didn't even want to have to go anywhere... and forget making anything, me, no way!! after yoga i washed my face, changed my clothes, and made a grilled cheese sandwich... i'm sitting on the couch watching tv, eating my grilled cheese, with the window open... it is chilly outside!!! but i love it! i've got on my flannel pj pants and big fuzzy socks... i know, i'm acting like it's 60 below or something... i love the change though, this past week it was in the 90's.... anyways, my mood has greatly improved, thanks to the yoga i guess?!?! i hate to say that because i'm so lazy and i really don't like to exercise; i'm trying not to think of yoga as exercise... maybe a healthy life-style change? very calming too...
one more thing before i go... this is too funny... i don't know if i blogged it or not... over labor day weekend, it rained "a lot" here... my co-worker, rrll, the one i'm always griping about, the ceiling in his office fell in because of all the rain... i walked in that tuesday morning and his office was in disarray... it was crazy!! printer, typewriter, trash can, plastic roller chain thingy, everything was all over the place.... apparently no one ever got around to fixing his leaky ceiling... today it was raining... the next thing i know he's got a bucket in his office balanced on the edge of a filing cabinet catching the water... (once again, office in disarray).... the next thing you hear, the sound of the bucket crashing over... i almost fell out of my chair i was trying to keep from laughing so hard!!! it was so damn funny!! karma is excellent!!

Deep in Thought

i'm sorry that my blogs have been so long and rambling lately.. i've just had a lot on my mind and i need somewhere to get it all out...
I have been looking over my blog lately and it I do feel that I have made progress in my life, working on changing… I still get angry but not near as often… sometimes yes it is still as bad as it used to be but not near as much… mostly though, it’s all griping and complaining, that’s my perspective though… and I don’t know if I really like that.. yes, it is a place for me to vent but at the same time it shouldn’t all be so down and angry… I really do need to work on being positive… I am though, I am…
Last night r and I talked…as it turns out, he was having issues with me as well…it was more like, we would start to talk about something and then I could tell that it was heading in the direction of a fight so I’d change the subject and then we’d go back to it a little later… it took us a while to get everything out but we did … well, I think we did… I felt much better after we talked… everything is better on that front…
My co-worker… he hasn’t made me mad or upset me yet (and I am hoping that I don’t let him)… I guess Monday’s just make me feel kinda lonely… there is no one here that I can talk too about my weekend.. in fact, there is no one up here that I can really talk too… I didn’t realize how much I would miss that…
As far as the reunion, I said from the beginning that I didn’t want to go and I didn’t… I didn’t like high school the first time around… I really only liked the after school activities- partying, hanging out with friends that I knew/know accepted me… I was in all honors classes while my friends were in regular classes and I was so uncomfortable in there… it was all the “preppy” popular kids and I felt that I didn’t fit in… I was (and still am but I’m working on it) so insecure and uncomfortable with myself… I felt that everyone in my classes were always judging me so I always had an attitude towards them… I’m not saying it’s all their fault, I accept responsibility for part of the blame too… like I said yesterday, I was already uncomfortable about going anyways and I really don’t think I would have been comfortable there at all… I really need to quit being such a hermit and not be so anxious of the public… to be honest, I’m really sure that people out in public have much better things to do than watch me and judge me.. yes, I’m sure there will be some but for the most part, everyone else could probably care less how I look or what I do…
I need to quit being embarrassed by myself… I need to be more comfortable and sure of myself… ok with and love myself the way I should…
Ok, so now that I’m done “expressing myself” I’m going to list some positive things and hopefully that will help jump start my mood on this cloudy, rainy, cool Monday morning…
Things I am thankful for:
The fact that I am able to talk to my husband and resolve our differences…
The fact that I know I have people in my life who care about me…
My health…
The fact that I have a house to gripe about (as well as a job, a husband, kitties, this list could go on and on)…
My willingness to keep on working on myself to be a better person…
The fact that I have realized that it is impossible to be happy 100% of the time… there will be times that I am negative, down, frustrated, and stressed but as long as I just accept those times, recognize my emotions, and move on, everything will be fine and work out for the best…
The fact that I finally realize and understand what it means to be here in this moment and that I have everything that I need as of right now…
The fact that the universe will never give me more than I can handle…
The fact that I need to slow down and enjoy life… there is no reason to rush through it trying to get everything done as fast as possible… I (have and) will miss out on many things that I should have/could enjoy…

Acceptance

Ah, where to begin… I don’t really know… I’ve been really mad this past week and I haven’t really acknowledged why… I know that deep down I know why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling and I just need to accept that and move on… I was reading parade magazine today (it comes in the newspaper) and it had an article in there about how to have more energy… one of the things that struck me was feel to heal… it takes an enormous amount of energy to remain stuck in chronic grief, resentment, or sadness. What we resist persists. Instead of trying to talk yourself out of how you feel, harness the courage to acknowledge uncomfortable emotions. Accept your regrets, anger or sadness without remorse. Just let it be. Then let it go. this past week I haven’t really let what I’m feeling come to surface… well, I have inside my mind (and take a toll on my physical body) but I haven’t said anything to those who could make a difference though… like r… tonight we went to braum’s to get ice cream and we were in my car and he said, has k been riding in here? I said yeah… he could tell by the way the seat was set… but, here’s what got me… he is so damn lazy he wouldn’t even “fix” the seat… he didn’t want to have to deal with it.. come on… it’s a seat in a car!! There is so much stuff that needs to be done around the house… he hasn’t wanted to do it because he’s just lazy and I don’t feel like doing it because I feel like I’ve been doing everything… like I’ve said, if he acknowledged me (or what I’ve done) I wouldn’t mind so much… it’s like I’m just here to take care of everything… the past week I just haven’t wanted to do anything… I’ve been down and just not feeling it…
I didn’t go to the reunion… I had already made such a big deal out of it in my head that it would have been a disaster for me… I had already decided that… I haven’t been in the mood to socialize or I guess in general, just be nice… in all truthfulness, I probably would have tried to make everyone else have a bad time….
Saturday night I walked into the bathroom and just happened to look in the mirror… I was thinking to myself, what has changed about me? I look different and I have been… I just could never put my finger on it… I’m 28 and I’m starting to age… I can see it… I no longer look like I’m 18… I know, 10 years has passed…. But, it’s just like I never even realized it until then and reality just hits me like a ton of bricks… I’ve never been one to be hung up on “looks” per say… my husband shaved my head one fourth of july…. I’m so not a big fan of hair… for some reason though, the realization that I am aging really floored me….
Last night I had two crazy dreams…. Crazy…. Both of them very sexual in nature… I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but I am very PG…. in the first dream I was dating a hispanic guy (that had the same car as a guy I dated in high school)… in the second dream I was dating a black guy… I keep thinking back to my second dream last night… I don’t know anything about him, or don’t remember anything anyways, except for a few minor details and the way he acted… I thought it was interesting because although the dreams were very sexual it wasn’t the ways the guys looked that turned me on… it was the way they acted towards and treated me, the way they talked to me…(which made me feel wanted- they gave me attention so that I didn’t feel ignored or unimportant)… I guess in a round-about-way that’s what I’m looking for in my relationship with r… or I should say, what I want back in our relationship…. I remember waking up and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside… like I used to feel… needed and wanted… special… I miss that.

Where You Need To Be

i got this email a few days ago... this past week has been a challenge for me... below is one of the things i am finding myself challenged by... i am still struggling to just let it all go... i keep resisting though....

Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it's common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment. Every person fulfills their purpose when the time is right. If you have fast-tracked to success, you may become deeply frustrated if you discover you can no longer satisfy your desires as quickly as you might like. Yet the delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived. Or the universe may have plans for you that differ from the worldly aspirations you have pursued up until this point. What you deem a postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come. If, however, you feel as though the universe is pushing you forward at too fast a clip, you may be unwittingly resisting your destiny. Your unease regarding the speed of your progress could be a sign that you need to cultivate awareness within yourself and learn to move with the flow of fate rather than against it. The universe puts nothing in your path that you are incapable of handling, so you can rest assured that you are ready to grow into your new situation. You may feel compelled to judge your personal success using your age, your professional position, your level of education, or the accomplishments of your peers as a yardstick. Yet we all enjoy the major milestones in our lives at the appropriate time-some realize their dreams as youngsters while others flourish only in old age. If you take pride in your many accomplishments and make the most of every circumstance in which you find yourself, your time will come.

Just Plain Irritated

I am just plain irritated today… let me say first that I am not an idiot so there is absolutely no reason for anyone to treat me like an idiot… this goes out to a lot of people…
Our 10 year high school reunion is tomorrow and it is “smart casual”… I had no idea what that was until I looked it up… so it’s like, evening sorta dressy… what you would wear to an evening office function they said… guys, blazer and slacks, girls- black pant suit… um, ok, I looked in my closet last night and I don’t even own a single button up shirt anymore… as I was loosing weight I was giving my too big clothes away so that I wouldn’t be tempted to grow back into them… I wear jeans and a t-shirt to work everyday… k and I went shopping on Wednesday night and we couldn’t find anything… so now I’m stuck… I really really don’t want to go… we’ll see what happens…
R is really irritating me… since we found out that our ex-head waitress had stolen at least $5,500 (I worked up a more accurate calculation) from us over 2 months things have been a little tight… r’s mom is offering to give us money and all he has to do is call her but he is too lazy to call her… I’m like, you really need to call her… his response, ok, I will… but he hasn’t and it’s been 2 days since she called… ok, normally I wouldn’t be so on his ass for him to return a call but this is very important… the waitress put us in a situation…. We can and will recover it will just take us a little bit… r’s been coming home every day from the restaurant for about 2 hours just to relax and get away… he could call his mom then or when he gets off work but he just comes home and watches tv… AND ignores me when I try to talk to him… that really irritates me!! I’ve been upset with him for the past 2 days and he hasn’t even noticed… the grass needs to be mowed, BAD, and we need gas for the mower… the last time I mowed he didn’t say thank you, kiss my ass, or anything.. well, he did ask me, did you tell your dad that the lawnmower is leaking gas? It’s our mower but how dare I ask him to fix it or look at it… I mean, mom and dad only gave us the mower for free… there is so much stuff around the house that needs to be done but I am so tired of doing everything (at least this is how I feel) and him not even acknowledging it… I’ve got a lot of stuff on my to-do list that doesn’t include what he used to do.. I understand that he doesn’t get home til after dark and Sunday is his only real day to get anything done but if he would just acknowledge the fact that I’m doing stuff I don’t think I would mind as much…
I realize I’m just irritated and pms-ing but dang… I feel like everyone is acting like I’m invisible… thanks…

Friends

today i haven't been in the best mood... well, yesterday and today... i was down and feeling like everything in my corner of the world was falling apart... i would say that 99% of the time k, my best friend for 15 years, and i talk on the phone on the way home from work... we clean house on the same night so that we can talk while we clean.... we are never at a loss for something to talk about... anyways, i'm off track... this saturday is our 10 year high school reunion... when we first started talking about it we were both really excited to go... now, not so much... there are only like 78 people out of over 300 going... i was so down that i had decided not to go because all it was going to be was people judging me by what i've done with my life, looks, etc... basically the same way i felt in high school... i'm trying to be more grown up now and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, whether i liked them in high school or not... anyways, back to my "story"... she called me after i had got home from the store and said she was sorry she didn't call me after work (we were supposed to go shopping for something to wear to the reunion) and i said that's ok, i didn't really need to go shopping anyways because i wasn't going... needless to say, just talking to her led me to break down in tears... this usually happens when we talk and i'm feeling this way... thankfully i have her... she has been the one constant i have always been able to count on in my life for the past 15 years and i know that since we've made it this far she will continue to be a constant in my life forever... so, we talk, well at first, she talks and i cry... then i talk and tell her what's going on and how i'm feeling... she is so good at picking out what's wrong, like, the real issue, not just what i think it is... like the reunion issue... i guess deep down i was scared that people were going to think i was a failure... and like k said, i have no reason for them to think that... everything that i have set my mind to do i have accomplished.... i should be proud of me for that but that is where my trouble comes in... for some reason, i have a hard time seeing myself as successful and not a failure... it's hard for me to be proud of myself especially when i'm always comparing myself to others... i know, i shouldn't and don't need to do that... long story short, k talked me thru my crisis and i feel much better now... we know each other so well that it's like, she's a lost part of me... the part of me that makes me feel good about myself... she picks me up when i'm down... i only hope she knows that she can never be replaced....

ASPCA

i am a big supporter of the ASPCA and on their website you can adopt a pet online (virtual adoption)... it's $18 a month... that's not bad considering what you're paying for... vet care, shelter, and food until they find a loving home... (it is tax deductible)... i don't do it for that reason though... r says only 2 kitties in the house at one time... this is my way of helping out other kitties in need... you can even pick your own animal to adopt... go and check it out... it's a really good worthwhile cause!!

http://www.aspca.org/site/MessageViewer?em_id=36545.0&dlv_id=19421&JServSessionIdr006=ko1u5fh2s3.app28a

Found It

this is what i was looking for the other night when i was writing about sneakers.... it's ok, well, it's not really ok but i'm working on it being ok.... i'm working on letting him go, it's what was meant to be....

the idea of detachment; This means that, instead of hanging on desperately to people, activities, or objects, we should learn how to flow with the current of life and recognize that change is the only constant.As Buddha said, “impermanence is the nature of the human condition. This is a truth we know in our minds but tend to resist in our hearts. Change happens all around us, all the time, yet we long for the predictable, the consistent. We want the reassurance that comes from things remaining the same. We find ourselves shocked when people die, even though death is the most predictable part of life."the next time you notice that you are grasping onto something in your life, ask yourself what it would feel like to appreciate that thing fully while at the same time being prepared, when the time comes, to let it go.

Perfect Power Couple

the perfect power couple... jay-z and beyonce... i mean, he is a mogul and she is a diva... she isn't a golddigger, she had her own before him... they are both absolutely amazing people.. i think the article below says it all... damn!!

Jay-Z and Beyonce: music's dynamic duo silent about romance but roars as performers

On the surface, they might be considered an unlikely pair.
In one corner is Jay-Z, one of Brooklyn's finest. The hustler-turned-rapper who will forever be etched in music history as one of the greatest rappers of all time. In the other corner is Beyonce, the sweet Southern belle from Texas. She is the undisputed reigning princess of pop and R&B music.
Sometimes silence can be so loud. The twosome have never publicly said one word about their relationship. Still the they emanate when they are together is deafening.
For two years they have been a romantic item. He's had her back and she's had his. They've been seen courtside at basketball games in New York, yachting in St. Tropez, partying at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club in Manhattan and performing together for Prince Charles in London.
During this time, they have stood their ground by keeping their personal life private.
Music has been their language of choice when conveying their relationship. Their first collaborative effort was for Jay-Z's '03 Bonnie & Clyde, with his dropping lyrics and with her cooing silky vocals:
"Mami's a rida and I'm a rolla/ Put us together/How they gon' stop both us? What ever she lacks, I'm right over her shoulder/When I'm off track mami is keepin' me focused," raps Jay-Z.
That collaboration was followed with Beyonce's Crazy in Love, where they set airwaves and concert stages ablaze for a second time. They also perform together on her song That's How You Like It, featured on her Dangerously In Love CD.
London is still talking about their recent performance at Earl's Court in west London during the Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival, a charity event organized by British royal Prince Charles.
Beyonce was the headliner, but the highlight of the evening was when Jay-Z walked onstage to do his part for Crazy In Love. The audience of more than 30,000 strong screamed itself into an excited frenzy.
Later that night the couple celebrated by throwing a lavish party, reportedly costing more than $1 million, at London's The Collection.
Shawn Corey Carter and Beyonce Giselle Knowles are a power couple when standing together and supreme when standing alone.
Jay-Z is synonymous with rap music. He is one of the best artists in the history of hip hop.
His career dates back to the mid-'80s. His mellow rap flow earned him the name Jazzy. So as not to be confused with DJ Jazzy Jeff, the name was shortened to Jay-Z. Decades later, he has answered to the names Jay, Hova, Hov, Jigga and Jiggaman.
He always hits his fans with hot songs. He has recorded 10 albums and has sold more than 17 million. his biggest songs include Change Clothes, Encore, Dirt Off Your Shoulder, 99 Problems, Excuse Me Miss, Izzo (H.O.V.A), Girls, Girls, Girls, Big Pimpin'. Jigga What, Jigga Who, Hard Knock Life (The Ghetto Anthem), Ain't No, I Just Wanna Love U (Give It To Me), Change The Game and Can I Get ...
What some might not know is that his intensity for reading and his early days of hustling laid the groundwork for his rap genius. Reading helped him to absorb everything that he examined and hustling forced him to memorize things without the use of a pen and paper.
In the course of his illustrious career, Jay-Z is noted for heading to the studio without having anything written down. He memorizes his verses, holding up to nine in his head. It is nothing for Hov to hit the studio with three completed rap songs-empty-handed.
He plans to mark his retirement with his current CD. The Black Album. He also has penned his memoirs, The Black Book.
Leaving out on top is his only option. In 2001, Jay-Z boycotted the Grammy Awards ceremony because of the lack of respect that urban music was getting during the show's telecast, but he still won two music's highest honors. His 1999 Hard Knock Life tour earned $18 million and was the most successful hip-hop tour to date, selling out in 52 cities with no incidents of violence. For his farewell performances, he co-headlined Last summer's hottest tour, Rock The Mic, with 50 Cent.
If you aren't listening to his music, you are undoubtedly moving to the beats of an artist on his Roc-A-Fella Records label like Kanye West, Young Gunz, Memphis Bleek, or State Property, to name a few. Twista recently was added to the Roc.
Music hasn't been the only thing to solidify the Jiggaman as a serious businessman. His Rocawear clothing line, established in 1999, is among the most established celebrity-owned fashion companies in the world. Last year he made history as the first non-athlete to have a signature shoe by Reebok, the S. Carter Collection. It was the fastest-selling, highest-grossing tennis shoe through the company. Another shoe is already in the works.
His business ventures have expanded into other areas as well. Roc-A-Fella Films released the projects Streets Is Watching, Backstage and State Property. Last year he opened an upscale sports bar in downtown Manhattan called the 40/40 Club. He Also has a premium two-grain, triple-distilled Scottish vodka, Armadale.
Possibly one of his biggest ventures to date is when he joined the investment team that laid out $300 million to bring the NBA's New Jersey Nets to his beloved Brooklyn. The borough has not had a major professional sports team since the Dodgers left for the West Coast in 1957.
Beyonce is a survivor with more than just a pretty face and hourglass figure.
A founding member of Destiny's Child, one of the biggest-selling female acts of all time, Beyonce was the group's lead singer and wrote most of its top hits like Survivor, Say My Name, Bootylicious and Independent Women. The group has sold more than 33 million records worldwide.
In 2001 she won the ASCAP Pop Songwriter of the Year Award, making her the first Black woman and the second woman to ever receive the honor.
She survived some of Destiny's Child's darkest moments, the constant change of group members, and accusations that she was the "diva" behind the dissension. But, B came out on top.
Her solo career came at a time when some argued that R&B was starting to take a backseat to hip hop. In addition to R. Kelly, Beyonce, also a gifted producer, is credited with bringing R&B back to the forefront.
Dangerously In Love, her debut solo CD, has gone triple platinum. Hits from the project include Crazy In Love, Baby Boy, Me, Myself and I and Naughty Girl. The album earned her five Grammy wins. Two were for Crazy In Love, two were for Dangerously In Love and another was for her duet with soul legend Luther Vandross for their remake of The Closer I Get To You.
A DVD, Beyonce: Live At Wembley, was just released. It was recorded last year during her first international tour and features behind-the-scenes footage and a bonus CD with three new songs, including a remake of the Rose Royce classic Wishing On A Star.
She recently headlined and wrapped up the Ladies First Tour with Alicia Keys, Missy Elliott and Tamia.
And people can't seem to forget her opening performance with Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Prince when they did a medley of his classics at the Grammy Awards ceremony this year. Ironically, in the Jay-Z collaboration '03 Bonnie & Clyde, she recites lyrics from Prince's 1987 song If I Was Your Girlfriend.
She has come into her own as an actress as well. She made her acting debut in the 2001 MTV movie Carmen: A Hip Hopera and made her silver screen debut in 2002's Austin Powers in Goldmember. Last year she starred opposite Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. in The Fighting Temptations.
Currently, she's working on the film Pink Panther, a prequel to the 1963 Peter Sellers classic. As the female lead, she will portray Xania, thief of the gem.
Music's dynamic duo may be quiet about their romance, but when Bonnie and Clyde do their thing as a couple or as solo artists, it is evident that Hov and B are unstoppable. Oh, and dangerously, crazy in love.

Hurting and Healing

As I’ve blogged about recently there have been some things that I’ve been not well, dealing with but, maybe going thru?! I’m not sure how to say it… tonight was about hurting and healing for me… all thru r… the other day I was blogging about feeling unappreciated and un-needed… tonight r was like, what is wrong with you? He then tried to tell me that I was the one that had attitude… I was like, um, no… I think you’re confused… but, when I did tell him what I had been feeling I didn’t say, you are doing blah, blah… I said, you are making me feel blah, blah… you know, un-needed and unappreciated… like everything that I do is wrong or not good enough… like I said though, I know he’s been stressed and well, the first couple of days this week I was too… I know what the reason is behind that though… the blues… oh yes… how can something be so good and bad at the same time?!?! And remember this is all coming from my perception…
Anyways, let me explain the hurting tonight… r said that there was something that he had been debating to tell me about all day long… the girl who took sneakers (the kitten that lived up at the restaurant that I wanted to adopt and love) home told r that sneakers is dead… she’s not sure what happened… her husband found him, supposedly… they have a rotweiller (sp?) and her dad was in the restaurant today saying that the dog ate him up… the story her husband told her is that he just found him dead, just looking dead, not all chewed up… either way damn it, we could have taken sneakers and given him a damn good home… we would have given him the attention and love that he was looking for… not killed him… this news really upset me… it hurts me way down inside… bless his little heart… he lived under the shed for over 4 months we know for sure… 4 months!! She hadn’t even had him 1 week!!! Come on now!! Oh, the really crummy thing, r had taken pictures of sneakers on his phone but remember I washed his phone Saturday night, so we lost the pictures of sneakers too…. Ok, enough ranting and raving… I am upset but I need to remember something that I blogged sometime ago but I’m not sure where… I’m going to go back when I’m done here and look… something along the lines of, love and appreciate what it is in your life at the present moment, it may not be there forever, and when it is gone, you can grieve but you just need to accept the fact that it’s gone… it was the time and everything happens for a reason… yes, it sucks and makes me sad but there is nothing that I can do about it… only remember sneakers… like I just said though, everything happens for a reason… for some reason sneakers was not meant to come with us… as crappy as that is and as much as I don’t like it, I can accept that…
Back to r and the healing… so we talked about what I told him that I was feeling and he apologized, which, I wasn’t asking for… in fact, I feel selfish telling him all that because I know he’s been so stressed… he told me though that he had been stressed because things had been weird between us… it all comes together now… I’m really glad that he brought it up because at first I didn’t want to talk about it… everything is all good now… it’s times like these when I feel closer to him than before… it makes us stronger… we snuggled tonight until he fell asleep… it was really nice having him hold me… I’ve missed it…

Hurt

Sorry, this is another long one… I’ve been pretty good at writing novels lately… I just had to get this off my chest though…
Today started off as a pretty good day… that was my thinking anyways… I was really hoping that I could maintain my positive attitude all day long… I can say that as of right now my positive attitude has gone into hiding… I am sad and hurt right now… basically, in a nutshell, I feel unappreciated, un-needed, and disrespected… some of this is work based and some of this is my personal life… at work, ever since t’s (the boss) grandson j started, my co-worker (rrll- he was basically the only one I had) has been being so rude to me… I blogged about this the other day… he’s making rude comments, not talking to me, showing j all the stuff that he does on a daily basis, and pretty much just ignoring me… this is more about being disrespected… for example, this morning, rrll was on the phone with our accountant talking to her and our boss calls… my boss is asking me to figure out how much we need to raise an employees hourly rate so that he makes about $150 more a week…. He was getting frustrated with me because I kept using the wrong number in my calculations and finally realized it… during the time we’re on the phone, the 3rd line starts ringing… I guess j doesn’t have to answer the phone, maybe he’s “too good” for that… maybe rrll told him not too, that it was the “secretary’s job”… rrll is really big on what is his job and what is your job, he will not do anything other than his job (he even quit taking out the trash on the weekend because we have a cleaning lady now.. Monday morning the office smelled rank!!! He’s trying to save $$ by not using too many trashbags!)… which is why I have to get up on my lunch break to answer the phone sometimes… I think he must think that his hold button on his phone doesn’t work… so this morning I’m on the phone with our boss and the phone rings like 10 times… if I don’t answer by 2 rings I’m not going to get it because I’m taking care of something very important… normally though (99% of the time- unless it’s our boss), I put the person on hold & answer the other line… rrll didn’t even have enough respect for me to put our accountant on hold… he just sat there talking and let it ring… he had a salesman in his office yesterday when I went to lunch and the phone started ringing… he just sat there talking to the salesman so I had to get the phone… he constantly is looking over my shoulder as if I’m incompetent… I understand the reason that he does this is because he’s incompetent but it still irritates me… he constantly points out my mistakes and makes a big deal out of them… I never point out any of his mistakes (even though there are a ton) and basically just let them go… honestly, I feel like he is in the beginning stages of alzheimers, his mom has it bad & it’s genetic, and he said something to me one day that kinda confirmed that… sometimes i feel like an overpaid babysitter, i just walk behind him and clean up his messes and mistakes... I feel bad for him and really don’t want to call him out on his mistakes because it is alzheimers but all I can do is try to hold my tongue… no promises… I can only take as much as I can take… he feels that he can call me out on things and I hate to say this but turn around is fair play… my hits would probably be below the belt but I’m pretty sure his comments towards me would cease… I don’t want to take this road though, I really am trying to take the high road… I basically feel like he so disrespects me and that really makes me mad, more upset I guess… I don’t like to feel disrespected… I started treating him like he was treating me today and he was like, are you ok? Not feeling well? I said, nope, I’m fine and went back to what I was doing…
On the personal level… remember, this is all my perception and I’m sure what’s going on at work is affecting my perception of my personal life too… I hate to admit this and talk about this but this is what my blog is for… lately I’ve been feeling unappreciated and un-needed by r… it’s like, when he gets home from work he sits down on the couch and watches tv… I feel like when I try to talk to him he doesn’t even listen to me… it just goes in one ear and out the other…like what I say isn’t important and doesn’t matter to him… it’s like, he only talks to me or whatever when he needs something… I figure this has to do with my calmness and peace of mind lately (with the exception of the past few days)… like I said before, it’s like we switched attitudes… he is angry and irritable and I’m calm and collected… I know that all this is because of the restaurant and he has so many things on his mind… I also know, without a doubt, that if I said something to him about it the issue would be resolved… I just haven’t had the energy lately to talk to him about it…
One more thing before I go…I guess this is where the unappreciated and un-needed feelings kind of come into play regarding work… a while back, in the spring, I asked my boss’s wife if j (remember grandson of the boss) was coming to work here to take rrll’s place or the boss’s place… his wife said the boss’s… to me though, it’s looking like he’s here to take rrll’s place.. if this is the case it’s really going to hurt my feelings… rrll (and sometimes the boss) refer to me as the secretary (and rrll has made some snide remarks about, oh, that’s just the secretary) and nothing more… even though my job entails much more than just being a secretary… I do payroll, HR, take care of the insurance & benefits, A/P, A/R, basically everything except purchasing… that’s rrll’s job… which lately he has been passing more responsibility on to me, well, until j got here anyways… I was under the impression when I got this job that one day when rrll retired (he’s old enough) I would get his job… from some of the comments that rrll and the boss have made though, I get the impression that I’m a woman/”female” and that women are supposed to be at home taking care of the kids… old school type mentality… I’m not all women’s lib but it really irks me when someone assumes that I can’t do something because I am a woman and not a man… it seems to me like my boss and co-worker are just, oh, she’s a girl, she can just stay the secretary, she won’t mind… but you know, I have been looking for a job where I can advance, move up… nothing I can do about it but wait and see what comes of it… I would really like to ask my boss who’s place j is taking just so I’ll know… i think i'll go home and watch the kitties, my simple delights... that's an excellent way to end a crummy day....

p.s... i think i've been talking things very hard lately because i've been dealing with my issues by eating... oh yeah, so of my 49.5lbs that i had lost i've now gained 8lbs back... 8lbs might not sound like much but the more weight you lose the more you notice when you start putting the pounds back on... that has me discouraged... every day when i wake up i say, i'm going to walk or do yoga tonight... do i though, nope. i really would like to do yoga and meditate tonight, i think that one of those or both of them would really do wonders for my attitude... i'm hoping anyways... we'll see if i actually follow thru...

Irritation

Earlier today I was talking about seeing beauty in everything… well, that only lasted so long today… it disappoints me too because I haven’t let my co-worker get to me in a while… for the most part, I’ve been calm, cool, and collected (in all situations, not just work)… even regarding situations that I might have previously considered stressful… well, I’m sure I would have let them stress me out… r was even stressing me out today… he isn’t anymore, my co-worker isn’t either, but I did have to go to my happy place to get out of the mess… I’m not in a great mood but I’m not in near as bad of a mood as I was in… I managed to let him crawl all over my nerves!! Now I’m not only disappointed with myself, I’m just amazed at how he acts… before I started really working on changing my attitude and myself, when I would be so “mean” to my co-worker, I was basically really short with him… that was it… no nasty comments or snide remarks… no being absolutely hateful to him… I just made it clear that I didn’t want to carry on a conversation with him (even though that didn’t stop him)… I really am trying to be the better person in this situation and not play his stupid little games… though I must say, he has started acting a lot nicer since he knows that he pissed me off… it’s like he was trying everything under the sun to make me mad and he wasn’t going to be happy until he did… that’s ok though… there’s no use in beating myself up because I let him get to me, I’m sure that’s what he wants me to do! Anyways, I just wanted to vent a little bit… get it out of my system that I was pissed but I’m ok with it now… I’m not sure if it’s possible to be happy 100% of the time or not… my plan though is to be happy as close to 100% of the time as I can be… I know that as I practice and learn to live my life this way it will get easier and better… each moment is a new moment and an opportunity to change something if you need or want too….

A Helping Hand

This morning I was sitting at my desk and this guy came in… I smiled like I always do and asked what I could do for him… he said that him and his wife were hitchhiking to Longview and he was looking for some work to make a few bucks to get his wife something to eat (he had work gloves in his back pocket, said at one time he had tools too but he had to sell them for money)… he said that they had slept outside last night and would do any kind of work that we had… something about this man affected me… not in a bad way or anything just in a well, I really felt like he was being honest… my co-worker, the one who is such a Christian, or so he claims, was basically so rude to the poor guy… after the guy left my co-worker was talking trash about people like that and how they’re just panhandlers and blah, blah… I didn’t even think about it until after he left but I looked in my wallet and all I had was $5… I keep looking out the door hoping that the guy will walk back by so I can give him the $5… I’m not concerned with what he spends it on, I will just know that I did my part to help someone out who needed it… that’s what matters… like I said, I don’t give money to everyone who asks but I will try to help someone out if I can… I’m not saying that I can always tell who really needs the money and who doesn’t but sometimes you just get a feeling… I know, feelings can be wrong but if it’s my feeling then that’s what I should do… it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks… it’s what I think and what I feel…. I was just thinking, he obviously needs the money more than I do… he has no job, he’s trying to feed his wife, they have no car, no house… and these are things that I take for granted each and everyday… I need to learn to be conscious, mindful, and thankful for all that I have…
I just drove down to the store where I thought he might be and I didn’t see him… at least I know that I tried and did all I could do…
Last night I was driving home from the restaurant and had my sunroof open… the road that I take back and forth to i.p. is kinda dark… there aren’t many, if any, street lights out there… I happened to look up and see the stars… the night sky was so beautiful… I had forgotten how pretty it was when it was so clear and you could see everything in the sky… I am really trying to see the beauty in everything… I’m getting better at it and I’m better today than I was yesterday…

Simple Delights

Right now, I am sitting outside on my back porch enjoying the weather… I called k just a minute ago and said, I think I’m sad… not even sad, just not happy… just kinda here… I came outside to get the kitties in so that I could go out to i.p. and decorate the one last wall in the restaurant… somehow I started watching them… mazzy was rolling around and flopping like a fish out of water on the warm concrete.. murph was sitting on top of the cooler just chillin… I can look out the screen door and see the little baby outside kitties eating… they are so precious… the big white “daddy” cat is out here too (he has the most beautiful blue eyes!!)… he sits by the tree and watches to make sure all the little kitties get to eat before he does… anyways, I look at my kitties and I realize how precious and dear they are to me… honestly, they are like my children… think, my adopted children… I only say adopted because I did not give birth to them… I love them that much… I’ve always known how much I loved them but that was just (and still is) one of those moments that you get… it’s like, looking at r at one certain moment and I just get this feeling of overwhelming love and peace in my body… like, at this moment, I cannot believe how much I love you… how perfect things are just in this moment… I know that it should be like that all of the time, maybe not that intense but just having a sense of peace that yes, this is where you’re supposed to be, you are on the right path, and all is right with the world… at least your perception of it… I love this feeling…
ah, quickly things to be thankful for: the weather, the restaurant, the outside kitties, the beautiful leaves that have already started falling (I know, probably the heat causing that), everything that I have that I take for granted (and shouldn’t, but I do, they get overlooked, but I’m working on it)… this is how I felt after just being outside, watching nature and the kitties, and just relaxing, taking time out…. Feeling way so much better than before…

p.s… I did meditate tonight (and my chakra meditation bracelet came in- all my masculine (lower) chakras are out of balance…

What Goes Around Comes Around

What goes around comes around…. I am so amazed that my co-worker (in all his Christian-ness) can be such an ass!!! And make such rude comments!! When I was not being very nice to him I never made rude comments, never!! The owner’s grandson is in the office now, he is going to be taking his place when he learns everything, and my co-worker walked by and said, blah blah yeah, after Courtney disappeared!! Um, I usually go to lunch between 12:45 and 1:00, after him… it was 1:15, he was outside, and I was hungry so I went back to the break room and heated up my lunch… (he made his comment after I got done eating!)…. I got thru eating and came back to my desk… it’s now 2:00 and he is just now eating lunch… I knew when he came back in from outside that he had 2 phone calls to return and then UPS was going to be calling back to talk to him so I decided to eat… now he’s walking around making rude comments about me!!! like I said, I might have been short with him but I never walked around making rude comments… even though there were plenty to be made… I so want to start making comments and showing him all his mistakes, like he does to me, but I know that’s not going to solve anything… maybe he’s just trying to get a rise out of me… I’m not going to show him that his comments bother me… I’m not going to give him that satisfaction… it’s like, he just can’t stand it that he doesn’t get to me anymore… his attitude has been so bad since mine has started changing… shoulders down, not up by my ears and breathe deeply… relax… there is no reason he should affect me…

The Weekend

It’s Monday and I’m having a small case of the Monday blues but not too bad… my attitude has actually improved since I’ve been at work!! I decided this morning that I’m going to start with the not-so-positive things and then blog about the positive things… that way I’ll end on a positive note and hopefully that will help me keep a positive attitude all day!! Once again, I know that all this is based on my perception… if I can change the way I look at things, the things I look at change….
So, the not-so-positive… I guess you could say it started Saturday night… I washed r’s phone… ok, not so much a big deal… I checked his cargo pockets, that’s where he always keeps it, and it wasn’t in there… checking pockets is a habit of mine from working at a cleaners… I didn’t check his regular pockets though because he usually only keeps his wallet in there and it comes out as soon as he gets home…
Yesterday I called us cellular to put his old phone back on his number until today so I could go get him a new phone… I could have gone yesterday but they didn’t open until 1 and I really didn’t feel like getting ready (hair, makeup)… so when I was on the phone with us cellular I couldn’t get the back of his phone off to give them the old esn so I asked him to do it… ok, I got griped out… I couldn’t tell if he was pushing the button down and pushing or not… he got ugly with me… I mean, ugly… I’m so glad the rep had put me on hold so he didn’t hear it… I would have been so embarrassed!! I was still on the phone with the rep and he apologized… what was my reaction, after I got off the phone? I totally defused the situation… he was making us turkey sandwiches for lunch and I went into the kitchen and told him, it was ok, I accept his apology, it’s no big deal… he was frustrated with the phone and took it out on me (how many times have I done that?) I changed the subject and all was fine… the rest of the day was really good!!
This morning… before I even leave the house for work he calls me and gripes me out… we pay our employees on Monday… (this happened yesterday) he tells me that he doesn’t know how much our new waitress is going to make, they haven’t discussed it yet… I told him not a problem… when he gets there in the morning, discuss her pay and just pay her out of the register… once again, no biggie… I assumed he heard me but assume = ass out of u and me… back to this morning, he calls me when I’m still at home asking, where’s p’s check? I reminded him of our conversation yesterday and he got all mad… fine, I guess I’ll just have to deal with this when I get to work… I don’t know how much to pay her, I’m going to have to do the math (we have a calculator up there), and blah blah… ok, whatever… how am I supposed to pay her when I have no idea how much? That’s part of “his” job, to let me know how much to pay the employees…
He calls again once I get to work… ok, we’re going to pay her what our ex-head waitress was making… I give him the total then he starts griping at me for having to pay her out of the register and having to pay uni-first… how he hopes there is enough money in the register for all this s**t…. whatever…
The positives… It’s so weird… I have noticed lately that it seems our attitudes have switched... instead of me being angry, irritated, and stressed it’s him… I’m the one who’s trying to stay level-headed and calm… he did comment on that yesterday… later that afternoon he said, I noticed how you didn’t get mad about what happened when you were on the phone earlier… that was really nice of him to notice! I know he’s got a ton on his plate right now and I’m really not worried about it… I can’t tell you for how many years I was acting like he is now… with my change in attitude though his attitude really isn’t bothering me… in fact, I feel really bad for him… I can relate to where he’s at and what he’s going thru… (the one not-so-positive thing about this situation, once again, my perception, he sometimes makes me feel that I can do nothing right… it makes me kinda doubt myself) … I just have to learn (and am doing good) not to take it personally… I kinda take it personally at first but I am learning to talk myself thru it…
I am extremely lucky and thankful to have my health (even with my herniated disc!), my family, friends, a job that allows me to spend the first however long of my day blogging and surfing around the internet, r, the kitties, and my new attitude… I have so much to be thankful for and have been realizing that more and more lately… it’s getting easier to see the positive side of things rather than the negative… I’ve rambled on long enough… more soon!

Pandas

i have a huge love for pandas... they are so incredibly cute!! this happened a few days ago but i keep rereading it so i thought i would share it... if you want the link, it's:
http://dailynews.att.net/cgi-bin/news?e=pri&dt=060922&cat=strange&st=stranged8k8vvs01&src=ap

here's the story:
Panda Bites Man, Man Bites Him Back
BEIJING (AP) - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.
Zhang Xinyan, from the central province of Henan, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Gu Gu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said.
"He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand," and jumped into the enclosure, the newspaper said.
The panda, who was asleep, was startled and bit Zhang, 35, on the right leg, it said. Zhang got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. A tussle ensued, the paper said.
"I bit the fellow in the back," Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper. "Its skin was quite thick."
Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, reports said. Zhang was hospitalized.
Newspaper photographs showed Zhang lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages and a seam of stitches running down his leg.
The Beijing Youth Daily quoted Zhang as saying that he had seen pandas on television and "they seemed to get along well with people."
"No one ever said they would bite people," Zhang said. "I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."
Ye Mingxia, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Gu Gu was "healthy."
"We're not considering punishing him now," Ye said in a telephone interview. "He's suffered quite a bit of shock."

Friday!

I am so glad it’s Friday!!! We don’t have any plans for this weekend…just relax and hang out… well, I think that r and I are going to try to get the window unit changed out at the restaurant this weekend… I have a few things on my to-do list that I’m maybe going to work on getting accomplished but nothing major that has to be done, well, besides payroll and paying bills… last night our final number was good! That was the highest number we’ve run in about a month… and it wasn’t even our busy night… I feel so much better and reassured just seeing our numbers for the past 2 days… r said that he hasn’t been having to buy as many cokes, bread, or food… we think that our ex-head waitress was “borrowing” food, drinks, pretty much whatever she needed… much more convenient than having to drive somewhere and actually buy it… she could just walk across the parking lot and “borrow” it… that’s good because it’s cutting down on our food cost! This whole issue has ended up working out for the better… there’s always something positive in every situation (even though it might be a little hard to see) and I see the positive in this situation now… the only person that we’re really worried about keeping happy and content is our morning cook, e… her and r have a good relationship though… I must say that things are going well… I’m already very excited about the turn around in the business!!

I didn’t end up going to my class last night… I got home, was talking to k on the phone, laying on the couch, and I got so sleepy… I took a nap… then overslept this morning… no biggie though, I still made it to work on time, actually a few minutes earlier than I normally get here… ah, I’m getting a massage tonight… she’s going to work on my neck some more… it is bound up!! I’ve been doing my neck exercises too…

After my nap last night I tried meditating for a little bit… I found some guided meditations online and listened to them…. Even though I haven’t tried meditated that much, I’m still a newbie, I found myself getting really relaxed last night… the way they were describing that you would feel, that’s how I was feeling… I felt much more calm after I got done… the kitties even left me alone while I was meditating… needless to say, after I was done they went crazy!!

Relief!!

When we forgive, we are also forgiven. If we love, we will be loved. If we feel peace within, we will attract more peace to feel within.... just as if you hate, you will be hated. Everyone's own freedom is in inner forgiveness, love, peace, approval and allowing.

Naming our emotions allows us to see that since they vary constantly, we do not have to get wrapped up in them. The times when we are moody occur because we pay attention to our mood swings and let them direct how we feel. Seeing that every second our thoughts and emotions incessantly change, however, enables us to release the hold they have on us. Realizing that our thoughts do not have to define our moods helps us feel more secure, grounded, and at ease with them. By detaching from your emotions, you will discover that true comfort rests in letting go.

This is long but you’ve been warned…
As much as I hate to admit it, I’m glad that r and I found out that our head waitress and her friends that we had working there (yes, there have been 3 so far) were stealing… I honestly thought that I was doing something wrong and that’s why we had no money in the bank… I couldn’t figure out where I was going wrong either… about the end of august, r said to me (and kept saying to me) that he thought we should be making more money… I thought that he was just comparing the numbers we run to the ones he ran at his old job… I really didn’t think too much about it… I have to say though, he was right… several people have been coming up to him and telling him that he must be making money hand over fist because the restaurant is always so busy… not the case though, we were barely getting by… (I can admit this and talk about it now)… yesterday confirmed his suspicions though.. he said that breakfast and lunch were dead…. Normally during our lunch special we are out of the special early… yesterday he ran the special during dinner too because that’s how dead our lunch was… when he pulled the tape at the end of the night our final numbers were what they have been for about the past month… r says, there have been days where we’ve been so busy that the restaurant is packed but at the end of the night we would run about what we ran yesterday… yeah, something was going on… on average we figure that the waitress got away with about $2000…. That’s a conservative estimate too… an average of about $100 a day, $500 a week… we’ve been open for 8 weeks now… like I said, that’s a conservative estimate… now I understand where all our money was going.. into their pockets… their stealing really put us in a bind… the past month I’ve been thinking, are we going to make it? it’s only the second month and we have no money… now I understand… so as bad as it sounds, I’m glad to know that they were stealing… that is over now… I think we are on the right track getting people in there that we can trust… I feel such a sense of relief though from knowing where our money was going… we will and can recover, it will just take a little bit…. It will all work out… like I’ve said before, when r and I were talking about buying the restaurant I was so at peace with the idea… I had no reservations about it at all… now, all my reservations are gone again… everything happens for a reason and they did get away with money but now we know what was going on…. our numbers should look much better and things will get easier…
As far as sneakers is concerned… man, I would so love to have him… I know that the adjustment for mazzy and murphy would be difficult, more so for mazzy… but, if sneakers is meant to come and live with us he will!!! My class last night was very interesting.. I’m learning how to muscle test… I’m learning a lot of things that I can take and apply to my life…
Oh yeah, this is so odd, to me anyways… just another sign that I’m on the right track… there is this show I listen too on xm radio… broadminded… it’s 3 “broads” who have been best friends for years and they pretty much say what they want and talk about all kinds of different things… last night I had to run to walmart before my meeting and I was listening to the broads… they were talking about manifesting their own destiny…. They had a lady on the show and she was telling them everything that I have been reading about for over the past year!! Unbelievable!!! That really inspired me more and gave me more confidence that I am headed in the right direction… like I’ve said before, change is hard… changing your thoughts and beliefs… I’ve been this way for 28 years but I know I can change and manifest the life for r and I that we want!!!

Decisions

it seems that things keep popping up where we (or r or i) have to make a decision... where to begin... r and i had figured out that our head waitress, the one who's been with us since we opened, was stealing but we didn't really know this until recently... we had no idea how much until today... we don't have an exact number but we're now sure that she was stealing... so he fired her... all she seemed concerned about was her reputation around town... personally in my opinion, she's done enough on her own to damage her reputation without our help... crackhead! (sorry, i know that's not nice i'm just really frustrated and irritated)...
the other dilemma... sneakers... he's the kitten from the cedar tree.... he's been living up there since we opened up... i feel so sorry for him... he is one of the cutest little kitties in the world!!! he is so sweet too!!! and lovey!!! all he wants is a home and some love and attention... r has been feeding him and giving him fresh water everyday... sneakers let's r pet him... now he's following r to his truck and following him around outside... it's making r feel so bad... we both decided that if someone hasn't taken sneakers home (we've had several people say they are going to take him home) by friday then we'll take him... we've given it a lot of thought... contemplated having another kitty... how will mazzy and murphy act? mazzy wasn't too happy when murphy came along but she got over him so she can get over sneakers... i think that murphy would love to have sneakers as a brother/sister.. plus, murphy would have a play partner so maybe mazzy would like that, maybe she would get left alone... is three kitties too many? r is the one who made the two kitty rule but he is the one who brought bringing sneakers home to live with us up.... i should know that if it's meant to happen it will.... if not, it won't... i just can't get over how sad sneakers makes me though... people call me the crazy cat lady and that's ok with me... right now i really don't want to have any children, maybe one day, maybe not... we'll just have to see how that goes... to me, my kitties are my children... there was this bumper sticker that i saw once, cats, not kids... um, yeah!! i personally don't think that three kitties is too many and i shouldn't really care what others think... all i know is that sneakers has to be rescued... all he wants is to be loved and a home... he's not asking for too much... i know we could give him that!! and we will if no one else does!!

Various Tidbits

here are some various tidbits of information that i have picked up over the past few days... pieces of things that came in an email, something i read... things like that...

My emotional pain is never about the other person. It’s not about my spouse, my parents, my friends, or the stranger in the store. It’s always and only about me. Whatever anyone else is thinking or doing is never about me; it’s always about them. They live in their own interpretation of the world.

If the generally accepted concept were to obtain what we really need and then be content, society would be completely different. We would not always be tortured by fear and anxiety. We could just relax and be happy. Developing a sense of contentment is a precious gift.

"Anxiety is mostly caused by two emotions: anger and sadness." "People get anxious about not being able to control their anger or about not knowing how to deal with situations that make them sad. And that is what fear is—the inability to solve the problem that is making you angry or sad."

"The breath and mind go together." "If the breath is calm, steady, and even, so are we. If the breath is shallow, agitated, and arrhythmic, the mind won't be able to concentrate."

I am mightier than any negative circumstances that I might face today, tomorrow, or ever.
I am rising up, out, and away from old limiting thoughts, habits, and concepts about myself.... and practicing daily positive self-talk is greatly helping me do this.
I am pure potential..... and my potential is unlimited.

Monday, Monday

well, it's monday.... i'm not a big fan of mondays... it's not that i hate them, they just happen to be one of my least favorite days of the week... here's why (i know, it's probably a cheesy reason but it's the truth)... i get to spend the whole weekend with r (or most of it anyways) and saturday and sunday we had such a good time... it was so nice just to be able to relax and not have to worry about doing anything... come monday though when it's time to get up and get ready for work, i start dreading the day ahead (i know, i need to work on my attitude towards mondays)... i miss r and the kitties so much on mondays... spending time with them makes me appreciate and love them so much (but monday makes me miss them)... i know that absence makes the heart grow fonder but kinda like mondays, i'm not a big fan of absence.... as the week goes on i am more ok with it... then the weekend rolls around... but, at least i have family to miss!! i can be thankful for that!! and i have a job to go too... i'm really working on changing my thinking (or figuring out how to change my thinking) regarding mondays and missing the family.... it kinda makes me sad for r that he has been working so hard lately and is going to have to keep working this hard for a while... he's gone from 7:40 in the morning to about 9 at night... i know he's busting his butt though... that makes me feel bad because i don't feel that i'm doing enough or as much as he is... that i should be doing more.... anyways, i just wanted to get some of the sadness out, hoping that will make me feel better and that i can think positively!!

Wisdom

since i'm big on sharing emails i wanted to share this... it kinda describes where i am at, where i've been, and where i'm trying to go... it's like, i know i'm on the right track but sometimes i get nervous and doubt myself because i really am working on changing and change can be and is kinda scary... i am leaving the safety of the known (even if the known is maybe not as good for me) and stepping into the unknown... i would have to say that for the most now, now anyways, i am becoming more comfortable with what is going on in my life and am really working on changing...

Life has its ups and downs. While it may be tempting to wallow in our misery during the downs, or quickly move past the source of our despair, that isn't always the healthiest way to deal with a crisis.
It's human nature to avoid the emotional roadblocks that pepper the path to spiritual maturity, to seek instead the slow and steady pace of the ordinary traveler. Yet reaching higher spiritual ground requires an extraordinary traveler. It demands the kind of change that comes from facing challenges-emotional, spiritual, or physical—and growing as a result.
A spiritual initiation—an exceptionally difficult life passage that shakes your foundations and makes you question your purpose—is just this sort of change. Disguised as a loss, it's actually an opportunity to strengthen the thread of awareness that connects your outer inner selves, a chance to travel deeper into the soul.