Acceptance

Ah, where to begin… I don’t really know… I’ve been really mad this past week and I haven’t really acknowledged why… I know that deep down I know why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling and I just need to accept that and move on… I was reading parade magazine today (it comes in the newspaper) and it had an article in there about how to have more energy… one of the things that struck me was feel to heal… it takes an enormous amount of energy to remain stuck in chronic grief, resentment, or sadness. What we resist persists. Instead of trying to talk yourself out of how you feel, harness the courage to acknowledge uncomfortable emotions. Accept your regrets, anger or sadness without remorse. Just let it be. Then let it go. this past week I haven’t really let what I’m feeling come to surface… well, I have inside my mind (and take a toll on my physical body) but I haven’t said anything to those who could make a difference though… like r… tonight we went to braum’s to get ice cream and we were in my car and he said, has k been riding in here? I said yeah… he could tell by the way the seat was set… but, here’s what got me… he is so damn lazy he wouldn’t even “fix” the seat… he didn’t want to have to deal with it.. come on… it’s a seat in a car!! There is so much stuff that needs to be done around the house… he hasn’t wanted to do it because he’s just lazy and I don’t feel like doing it because I feel like I’ve been doing everything… like I’ve said, if he acknowledged me (or what I’ve done) I wouldn’t mind so much… it’s like I’m just here to take care of everything… the past week I just haven’t wanted to do anything… I’ve been down and just not feeling it…
I didn’t go to the reunion… I had already made such a big deal out of it in my head that it would have been a disaster for me… I had already decided that… I haven’t been in the mood to socialize or I guess in general, just be nice… in all truthfulness, I probably would have tried to make everyone else have a bad time….
Saturday night I walked into the bathroom and just happened to look in the mirror… I was thinking to myself, what has changed about me? I look different and I have been… I just could never put my finger on it… I’m 28 and I’m starting to age… I can see it… I no longer look like I’m 18… I know, 10 years has passed…. But, it’s just like I never even realized it until then and reality just hits me like a ton of bricks… I’ve never been one to be hung up on “looks” per say… my husband shaved my head one fourth of july…. I’m so not a big fan of hair… for some reason though, the realization that I am aging really floored me….
Last night I had two crazy dreams…. Crazy…. Both of them very sexual in nature… I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but I am very PG…. in the first dream I was dating a hispanic guy (that had the same car as a guy I dated in high school)… in the second dream I was dating a black guy… I keep thinking back to my second dream last night… I don’t know anything about him, or don’t remember anything anyways, except for a few minor details and the way he acted… I thought it was interesting because although the dreams were very sexual it wasn’t the ways the guys looked that turned me on… it was the way they acted towards and treated me, the way they talked to me…(which made me feel wanted- they gave me attention so that I didn’t feel ignored or unimportant)… I guess in a round-about-way that’s what I’m looking for in my relationship with r… or I should say, what I want back in our relationship…. I remember waking up and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside… like I used to feel… needed and wanted… special… I miss that.