Christmas Present

momma and daddy got this for me for christmas... normally, i hate pink but this, omg, it is too cute... pink and camo, most excellent... i love me some camo too... (i have a snow camo shirt i love.. it's like blue, purple, black, and white camo, it is so cute!!!)... plus the pink camo shirt is a "carl" shirt!! i love it!!!

Mmmmmm!!!!

i mean, no words needed but ouch!! he is hot!! that is my man, carl edwards, #99 driver for the nascar nextel cup... hey baby... hehe
km, her husband, km's sister and her sister's husband, plus about 20 people all go down to texas motorspeedway every year to watch the races... we at tms are lucky enough to have 2 races here each season!!! one is a chase race!! km and the rest all went, camped out for about a week, and had an absolute blast!! man, i would love to do that but more than that, i would love to go to a race- well, a whole race weekend, the truck, busch, and cup races... it really is do-able too!!! dang, that would be so awesome!! maybe we can try to make the november race (that's the chase race!!)... hopefully it'll be an excellent year and that would happen!!! and oh yeah, if we go i am going to have to see carl in person!!! he's your small town boy who grew up racing, southern, just basically a "good 'ol boy"..... and he also has a huge gorgeous smile (i love it) and blue eyes!! and a great attitude (i'm trying to learn from him!!)!!! he also, has a killer backflip!!! oh yeah, i am now officially an "edhead"... yeah!!! a carl edwards fan!!!
2005, which should have really been his rookie year (but he ran more than 7 races in 2004) kicked ass and took names... he came in 3rd in the chase... i mean dang!!! talk about impressive... but that's ok.... 2005 was great, 2006 was ok- lots of bad luck (and you really can have bad luck in nascar)... but 2007 is going to be an excellent year for carl!! he's going to make the chase and kick some ass!!! i have nascar fever bad!!!! i am working on getting a countdown to daytona on my blog... WOOHOO!!!!!!!

ok, just a few more pics.... the backflip pic is at atlanta in 2005....

Awakening Session

this morning i had to go to the post office before i went to my awakening session.... i had been behind this lady in a brand new escalade for a while and she was driving like a crazy person, you know, waiting til the last minute to turn, crap like that, and not using her blinkers... sorry, but that is one thing that drives me crazy, not using your blinkers... i had already gone into the post office and come back out by the time that she was going in... i rolled down my window and said, m'am, i have a question for you, i see you're driving a brand new escalade, do blinkers not come standard on those? i mean, if it's an option i would like to know just so that i can be on the lookout for new cars so that i know that they may or may not have blinkers... she just stared at me so i drove off... normally this is something i would just rant about in my car and not actually say but for some reason today i did... i was pissed... then there was this lady/man (couldn't tell) but they were older than dirt trying to back out of their parking place and going the wrong way... damn already, take their license away before they kill someone!! i just started bawling after that... idiots!! i know, i should be able to deal with this, in the big scheme of things it's not that big of a deal but i guess i've just had it... with everything... until i went to my awakening session with jon, the "founder" of the community arts healing center in town... i've learned so much from him, now if i could only put it into practice like i know i should... they say it takes 21-28 days to make something a habit... i need to do this, for my sanity as well as for the "safety" of others...

this is what his website says regarding an awakening session:
The body is very complex, consisting of four main aspects. Those aspects are the spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical bodies. I have never seen complete, long-lasting recovery and health without addressing all four levels of an individual.
I have found that most people are willing to work on the physical body but shy away from working on their mental attitudes and habits, or their emotions. People will usually visit a chiropractor, doctor, or massage therapist to address the physical but avoid dealing with their emotions. These people do get relief from these modalities, but the relief can be slow in coming and short-lived.
The problem with just addressing the physical is that behind every physical illness and pain lurks an emotional or mental component/issue. If we only deal with the physical we miss a big part of the equation and total health and happiness is not achieved. To have true lasting health there must be a resolution not only within the body but also within the mind and heart!
I have extensively studied techniques that address the self in this holistic manner. I have found that a more complete resolution takes place when the body is approached on all levels. Up until now I have limited myself in the type of work I do for fear that these deeper modalities might not be appreciated or even understood. However, I have come to the point in my own growth that it has become necessary for me to work in this way with my clients. I feel that if I do not address all these aspects of healing, I am not giving all that I can to my clients. And It’ is very important for me to give 100% to the people I work with.
Bottom line: If we are not ready to address our emotional and mental issues then we are not ready to have complete health and happiness. This may sound a little harsh but it’s not meant to. It is simply the truth. Facing and defeating our mental and emotional demons is what the spiritual journey is all about.
My work consist of mental and emotional clearing techniques (EFT and PEAT) followed by physical (massage and stretching) and energetic (Reiki, BodyTalk, etc.) modalities. Depending on the time allotted for a session I can usually do two to three techniques if necessary. Each session I do builds on the one before. I still provide relaxing and deep tissue full-body massages for those of who enjoy the physical experience of a massage. However, if it is an illness and pain free body-mind that you’re looking for, I believe that these techniques are mandatory.

moose paid for my session today as my christmas present... she knows how stressed i've been and she's been going to the classes with me at the center... she told me about her session and about how he had brought up issues that she had been repressing but that were still affecting her in various aspects of her life... jon did the same for me... i really don't want to get into some of the issues right now, i'm still processing and digesting them but i feel so much better and so much more relaxed.... from the muscle testing he did, we found that one of the medications that i've been on for a long time has been "blowing out my body".... draining me of "life", making me more depressed, and basically in general not good for me... the valium he said is not doing me any good... it doesn't help me anyways, i can't feel it... he cleared some of the toxins in my body and said that i may feel ill or like throwing up for maybe the next 24 hours or so.... i told him, no biggie, that's what i've pretty much been doing since christmas eve eve... he said that the throwing up could be caused by all the stress that i've been under lately and that it's probably my body's way of trying to clear out the nastiness.... i have thrown up once since i got home and my tummy is terribly upset but that's really nothing new... i need to go to the mall and return a gift and get something else but that can wait... physically i'm not feeling up to it right now... i'm exhausted... mentally i am feeling better and more calm, which is a very good thing...
i feel like what i blogged last night was mean but i know that everyone has regrets of some sort... i'm not saying i regret where i'm at or who i'm with, i was just having some issues i needed to get out... hopefully later tonight i can get out my binder with my center/jon info in it and start going back over it... i think that will help a lot!! it is now nap time...

Crummy Christmas

I don’t really know where to begin with this… all I know is that I am so sad, I feel like I have this big empty hole inside me… which should be filled but isn’t… at least I feel like it should be filled… it just hurts so damn bad inside and I don’t know how to fix it or what to do… I just want it to stop and go away, leave me alone!!!
R’s brother came over Christmas eve eve and they started watching a movie… I was asleep thru most of it but woke up thought, oooh, I don’t feel so good, I’m going to bed… threw up before bed… woke up, r was in the shower, and I barely made it to the trash can in the bedroom when I started getting sick again…. R got out of the shower and took the trash out… sometime in the middle of the night, while still getting sick, I started throwing up “out of the other end”… I was up all night long getting sick… I called momma Christmas eve day because we were supposed to go over there about 3 or 4 and told her that we couldn’t come over because I was sick… she said no worries, just let her know about Monday.... I told her that I was feeling better and that I wanted to go to grandma’s… r and I went to momma and daddy’s… santa had came so we looked thru our stockings and then opened our presents…. Up until I got sick I was so excited about momma and daddy’s presents…. They weren’t much but they were so cute… 2 coffee mugs… each one had a pic of Mazzy on one side and Murphy on the other… the “right” one said merry Christmas grandma/grandpa… love Mazzy & Murphy 2006…. I still wanted to be excited about them but I couldn’t be… one side of me was thinking, how lame… that’s all you get your parents are 2 coffee mugs!!! I know it’s not the size of the gift but the thought that counts… momma and daddy always always ALWAYS take care of us and make sure that we have a good Christmas/birthday whatever it may be… what I always wanted in life was to be able to repay them for everything that they have done for me… and so far I’m still having to rely on them… I should be way past that point…. After we do presents at momma and daddy’s we go over to grandma’s for lunch… my cousin and her husband live around the dallas area and are running a little behind because she has morning sickness and a cold… we start eating, everything is still all good, get thru eating, I’m sitting there and all of the sudden I’m like mom, can I have your housekey? I get the key, go next door and throw up Christmas dinner… I walked back over to grandma’s and r and I left… I was in tears I felt so bad and that was embarrassing for me… I HATE to cry in front of other people!!! You would think I would be used to it by now seeing as how lately i can’t control anything, especially my crying or my anger….
Which brings me to my next set of circumstances that upset me… 2 major things, 1 thing I finally realized about r and 1 thing that I “regret?” the one thing I guess I finally realized about r… I mean, I guess it’s always something I knew but just thought that maybe would change… you know how the old adage goes, you cannot change people… I want some traditions just for us… you know, like on our birthday we always go and do this or around Christmas we do this…. Something that we do together as a couple… I saw how his family was before we got married but I guess I didn’t really think too much about it… god, I do not want to say this, how many times over the past two years have I thought, have I made a mistake?? Is this really who I’m supposed to be with? Would I allow myself to make a mistake like that? Which leads me into circumstance 2…. This was/is the worst one for me… momma told r and I today that my little (the only one I have) got engaged on Christmas eve (they went to visit her family somewhere way up north)… his fiancée is beautiful, smart, tiny, tan, blonde, and just so horribly nice it makes you want to puke… you (well, years ago I would have) looked at her and been like, ah, what a stuck up b!tch… she has matching traveling louis vuitton luggage… her dad went to tiffany’s and bought her a pair of diamond earrings for graduation… I mean, she has everything!!! So momma says that scott, my brother, went to tiffany’s and bought her a ring… her step-dad had bought them train tickets for a little 8 mile ride that served a 5 course meal and I don’t know what else… at the end of it he proposed… I don’t care that he bought her ring at tiffany’s… what hurts me the most is that when my future husband proposed to me I wanted it to be something so special… km and kb both had special proposals… I was so in on km’s too… ah, such a good plan and it worked out SO well…. She promised me that she would help whoever I decided to marry do something like that for me….i guess all wishes don’t come true… I guess I just feel like there were things that were important to me (and obviously still are) but I “sold out”… didn’t wait long enough, whatever, however you want to say it… it sounds horrible anyway I put it…
R and I both got Christmas money this year… most of it together but we usually split it unless there is something we decided to do jointly… this year, we’re splitting it… mine is going into the checking account to pay bills and I don’t know what he’s going to do with his… he said he needs to start “stockpiling” it… I’m sorry, I don’t know if this is selfish or not, it seems that I just give and give and give and he just takes and takes…. I feel like he never considers me first… not all the time, just once in a while!!! I always try to think about him or us first…
I don’t know if it’s just this time of year, pms, or what is going on with me but this has got to stop!! I have got to pull myself together!!! I took a pg test two Mondays ago and it said negative… I really hope to whatever higher power is out there that this is not what is going on with me right now, so me that i could do whatever i wanted to do with my life...i wanted to be an olympic swimmer for the US team (coach always told me i was good enough) or a pediatrician.... i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... not a good thing… I’ve been trying to keep myself sane by eating pills, pills, and more pills… but that’s not working anymore… I’m tired of trying to keep up the “cheerful disposition” and act like nothing’s wrong… I feel like if you look at an overview of me from the outside you see a happy, happily married, hard-working wife, who is stressed (and doesn’t deal with stress very well) but is doing the best she can… if you could see the inside of me, you would see a train wreck… I just feel like I’m one big disaster on the inside… I can’t tell right from left, up from down… something has to give or I’m going to break… sorry for such a cheerful happy Christmas story… not this year
growing up i dreamed of being a pediatrician or an olympic gold medalist swimmer(coach always told me i was good enough, one of the best he had seen)... but i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... things that seemed so important to me at the time, well, they're not important now... i only wish i had my priorities straight back then.... one day i will have a job doing what i love... being at the pool all day swimming, taking care of kitties, whatever it may be, i will have a job i love... people who have jobs they love and are passionate about are so extremely lucky!!
Ah, yes, one more thing… the other night murph was sitting on his front paws, like with his legs sticking out, but his paws under his body and I said, murph is so cute and he looks so comfortable… the first thing that came flying out of r’s mouth was, Murph you’d better not sit like that or you’ll need $2700 cortizone shots like momma does… I haven’t even mentioned that dr.’s appt to him… he’ll blow a gasket… I can’t help it dammit!! What am I supposed to do?!?!

I'm Back!!

it is so good to finally have a chance to catch up on the blogs that i've been missing this week and to actually blog (with no guilt!!)

week in review again:
sunday- worked on the inventory template all day long... got both weeks of inventory in the file.. very glad to be done the template...

monday- worked- hard!! i have been so busy the past two weeks, between my work and then the restaurant stuff.... whew!! i've had so much to do and have been so busy i haven't had a chance to blog at work or home! i wish i could clone myself!! came home, worked on some more numbers for the restaurant...

tuesday- worked-hard again!! worked until 6ish (normally i'm out the door right at 5!!) went to eat at the restaurant with momma and daddy....

wednesday- still working my butt off!! busy as hell!! left at 5, hair appt... went to walmart after i got my hair done...

thursday- damn, at least vacation is in 2 days!! stayed until a little after 7!!! busy little bee i was and have been!!

friday- ah, busy as hell again but, i had lots of help!! j and rrll both helped me with my billing so i would do done earlier (i did come to realize that sometime rrll isn't that bad!... t let everyone go about 3... i finished up around 3:30 then stood around and shot the sh!t with a few people.... went to drop off my ham, t gives everyone a ham each year... big ones!! came home, cleaned the house, r got home, did the daily register sheet, and finally started on payroll... working on payroll i kept falling asleep for like 10-15 minutes at a time.. finally got it done though... i went to bed at 2:30 this morning... dang, i am tired... that's ok though, today is only day one of my 10 day vacation!!! that means i will have more free time to spend around here!! i miss it!!
i do have a few things to do for the restaurant and around the house but it's all no biggie... later i want post a few things i've learned so that i can find them easy... not now though... off to continue with the laundry and having some pampering time for myself... deep breath in, deep breath out, just relax...
OMG!! i was reading this and can't believe i forgot to post this!!! r bought me my first present ever!!! i was so excited and it made me so happy!! he bought me an ipod charger and player for my car... i love it!! he wanted kill zone for his psp and i just happen to have the most amazing friends that sent me a copy of it!!! i only hope kb and her hubby know how much that means to me!! the are friends that everyone should be so lucky to have!!

This Week

i have been so busy... actually having to work at work makes me feel like i am crazy behind, in all areas of my life... i feel like i have a ton of things to get done and i am stressing myself... it's saturday morning and i am pressuring myself to get started working on numbers... i even feel bad blogging... this thought will not quit running thru my head, numbers, numbers, need to get the template done... ah, why do i do this to myself?
bonus: i did so see mary last night for an hour massage... ah, physically i feel better... some of the stress is gone...
my week in review: also, things that i learned this week...
sunday: very very good day... the day r and i had "the talk"

monday morning: woke up in a good mood... not even hating to go to work...
8:30am - 11:30am: throwing up, so much rrll asked if i needed to home... it had to be bad for him to ask me that...
11:30am: throwing up quit...
11:30pm: - 2:30am: laying in bed and the tummy starts hurting...the throwing up starts again... finally quits around 2:30am tuesday morning...

tuesday:
8:10am: standing in line at the post office waiting to pick up mail that wouldn't fit in the box... oh no, i get that throwing up feeling again... kept it down til i get outside... finally get to my car and loose it... ugh... i stood in line for 35 minutes!
11:00am: it stops....
middle of the afternoon: i understand... withdrawals from my pain meds and/or anxiety meds... we changed the anxiety meds last time.... i hadn't taken any pain meds in maybe a day...

thursday:
8:15am: dr. appt for my back... they want to do another mri since the pain has been on my left side as well as the right side... the right side is still the worst.... but it was never before on the left side... so another mri and schedule me for another round of cortizone shots... damn, i want to "get it fixed" but that is so much money... my last set of shots, june/july 2005... i made my last payment on them october this year... right now that is something i don't feel that i should even consider... dilemma...

saturday: laundry, work on inventory numbers, payroll...
my to-do list keeps getting longer and longer but that's ok, 5 more working days until we get a 10 day vacation... that's something else i keep saying to myself... 5 days...

Observing Your Thoughts

this came in an email this morning and i thought it appropriate considering what i blogged about yesterday...
The emotions you have that are related to your relationships could make you feel ill at ease today. Perhaps it is because of your empathetic connection to the people closest to you that any form of upset or disturbance has a direct impact on your own mood. Knowing that this tension you feel is not permanent and that no matter what may happen with your loved ones, the only thing over which you truly have control is your own thoughts could help you feel a greater sense of comfort with your emotional state today. When you become aware of disturbing thoughts today, you might watch the thoughts as they go through your mind—rather than fighting or changing them, try to simply observe them. You may find that your thoughts may not be related to any immediate event in your life but that they are a series of random images and ideas that can directly affect your mood.Watching our thoughts helps us see that our emotional reactions are more often a product of our minds instead of a response to an immediate incident. Our minds tend to hold onto events that trigger emotional responses, which are even stronger if our family or friends are involved. Seeing the stream of thoughts as they float by us can make it easier for us to detach from their emotional influence, which can lighten our disposition. By understanding the ways your thoughts influence your emotional reactions, you will feel more comfortable with the feelings you have today.

On My Mind

i have so many things on my mind right now it's not even funny... so many different random things... i don't even know where to begin... it seems that when i have a lot on my mind i want to blog, a lot... all i want to do is blog.... i think it helps to get the "clutter" out of my head...
r and i had a really good sunday, the "talk" included... it was one of the best days that we've had together in a while... i really enjoyed it.. we laughed, cut up, it was nice... even got a package packed and a shipping label printed so i can drop it at the post office tomorrow.... one of our ebay items... YEAH!! i just hope things keep selling!! extra money will be nice!! the restaurant has been busier!! a lot busier!! r and his head "evening" cook took inventory on saturday... i've got to get prices in there so we can see what our most expensive and inexpensive items are... we're going to re-work the menu, raise and lower a few prices, not much though... cut out some items, add others in... our morning waitress called saturday and told r that she has heard, from several different people, that one of our competitors is getting really nervous and is really thinking he is going to have to close... that would really leave only one "real" competitor.... that's great news for us... it kinda makes me feel bad but business is business i suppose....
r went to vacuum tonight and when he unplugged my phone charger i noticed that for some reason my phone was dead... it had been charging (or so i thought) since last night... um, someone, mazzy, chewed thru my charger cord... r has already had to splice it back together about 3 or 4 other times because of her... i don't know if it's going to last much longer... needless to say, my phone is now charging... i just hope one day one of the kitties don't chew on the wrong thing!!! mazzy is sleeping on my lap right now... so precious, even though she's a little devil sometimes... hehe... her and murph have been too cute this weekend...
even though r and i have been having a really good day i can't seem to quit thinking about my dream last night... wondering, should i call him? is that even a good idea? why do i want to talk to him so bad?? (if i do get christmas cards- going to try to do that tomorrow night- i was thinking about sending him one)... they say that when you think about someone you haven't thought about in a while it means that they're thinking about you... i feel guilty but at the same time, we were just friends... well, for the most part... sometimes, on occasion, more, but for the most part, just friends... during the day i've also thought about what i've heard from different people... things that we said to one another... different various random things just seem to pop in and out of my head... i don't know if it's "normal" to wonder where you would be in life now had you made different choices? looking back, man, there were so many different roads i could have taken... i'm not so sure what's going on with me and my mind right now... why i'm thinking and feeling what i am... i know it's only been a week since i started my new meds... dr. b said that i could potentially start to feel them in a week or so... i don't know if this is me feeling them or what?!?! i've been really emotional though, crying... stupid things like commercials or something that happens in a show... nothing "important" i should say... i just feel like, damn, what is wrong with me?!!? am i abnormal??? what is my problem?? am i just looking for trouble once things seem to settle down and go good?!?! i sure wish i had some answers...

Thinking

i cannot quit thinking about this… last night I had a dream… it was very weird… I don’t remember how it started but this guy that I’ve known since I was little was in it… we ran into each other somewhere and started catching up… the next thing that I knew we were back at my parents house in my room talking… the way we used to do… for years I thought that we would get married… we both talked about it… I honestly really believed it.… something happened between us and things were never quite the same… before and after things got weird (especially after), I had very strong feelings for him but I wasn’t sure how he felt about me… I always felt he wanted the “trophy wife” and I would have been so far from that… after we quit talking, I ran into him and then I started to let him handle my retirement accounts… we talked after that occasionally, but things were weird… r and I were together and living in an apartment and it seemed he kinda had an attitude towards r and my thoughts were, you don’t even know him… I wonder if we kinda fell out of touch because we weren’t meant to be together… it’s not that I’m not happy with r, I guess I just wonder where I would be if I had made different choices.. .
the dream… my room looked exactly the way it did when I was living at home… we were just laying on my bed talking and he said, I love you and I’ve loved you for a long time… I just laid there, stunned… I didn’t know what to say… in the dream, r and I were married and I was like, you know, this isn’t really good timing… I’m married! Why didn’t you say something years ago?
Don’t get me wrong… I haven’t talked to him in years… sometimes I think about him and wonder what he’s up too… I wonder how he’s doing… one of the last things that I heard about him is that he’s living at home and he was working at an “ok” job…. I only say “ok” because when we were in college he wanted to work on wall street and I knew one day he would… I really thought he would… at one time he ended up with no car, his mom had to drive him to work, this was when he was managing my retirement accounts… he just kinda seemed to go downhill… I don’t know why… I just hope it wasn’t because of what happened or what didn’t happen because of me… I’m not saying that everyone’s life revolves around me but I just wonder… I really would like to talk to him???

R and I talked this morning… we didn’t even talk last night… that’s ok though, we got it all worked out… it actually wasn’t bad like I thought it would be… we just talked, calmly… both of us… it was actually good… it seems that we don’t really have time to talk much so we just kinda hold everything in… we both agreed to communicate more and that we would both try to help each other out more (and ask for help when we need it)…. Today has been a really good day… things are going good… in fact, they’re better than they have been in a while….

Hmmm...

i asked r to do something for me earlier, get me a coke out of the fridge... really a diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper but we call everything a coke... even if it's not really a coke... anyways, i just asked him the next time he got up if he would get me one... he never got up... i went in there, got a coke and then worked on another load of laundry... 7 hours today so far i've been doing laundry but i'm finally on my last load!! as i was coming back in he said, are you mad? i said no, not mad and didn't say anything else... i came back in the living room to finish up payroll and he said, sorry i didn't do that... then i smarted off and said, i'm sorry you don't do anything... it was not exactly the way that i wanted to start the talk and it didn't turn out too good... he got pissed and we had a few words... he stalked off into the back living room and is now sleeping... i can hear him snoring... one thing he said, why can't you just see where i'm coming from? i do, my question for him is, why can't he see where i'm coming from? i totally understand his situation but it's like he is oblivious to mine... i don't know... i feel like we can't even talk anymore... every time i try to say something to him he gets so defensive... and i'm so not trying to come off like that... with the exception of the comment earlier i've really been trying to watch the way i word things... guess we'll just see what happens...
UPDATE: r woke up... came in the living room, talked to the kitties, took a shower, and went to bed... he never said one word to me... it makes me feel like he doesn't even care... how special is that?!?!

Update

for the past month and a half life had been pretty difficult for me... i know it was the way that i was handling and dealing with things but at the time that really didn't seem to matter, i couldn't seem to get out of the funk that i was in... wednesday at work i had another crying spell... i just couldn't quit crying... i took a xanax at work (something i don't do anymore unless absolutely necessary)... even that didn't calm me down... the minute i hit the door leaving work i broke down... km called on the way home and i bawled and bawled... mom and i had originally planned to go out to eat and then just see where that took us... i called her when i got home, still bawling, and told her that i did not want to go anywhere, nor did i feel like it... we talked for a bit and then she came over... she brought me the cutest book! it's called smitten and it has pictures of the cutest little kittens in there, complete with their names and different sayings... i love it!! i took a valium later on and drank two glasses of wine... i haven't drank anything since probably new years and i must admit i got kinda tipsy and giggly... then i just passed out...
when the breakdown first started to happen i got pissed, which didn't help my mood any... then i just gave in and went with it... i was too tired to even fight it... having the breakdown helped so much though... i woke up thursday with a new attitude (and no hangover!)... my attitude has been getting ever since and i can already see a "change" in the way things are going and the way that i am perceiving the "challenges" that come my way!! i decided wednesday night that saturday afternoon/evening r and i are going to have a talk... the tv will be off and i have to make him listen to me... i have needs too and as much as i hate to admit it, i need help too... taking care of the normal, everyday things that used to be no big deal is wearing me down... i understand that he works hard (so do i! i have 2 jobs!!) but i can't do it all by myself, i am only one person... he seems to have it in his mind that because i have a "desk/office" job it is not hard or stressful and that i don't work very hard... he is so wrong!! things are going to be hard for a while (being tired, stressed, and just making it thru the first year of being a business owner) but we are partners and we can do this, if we can do it together... not battle each other...
last night r and i went to bed and were asleep by 10:30... i woke up this morning at 10 then decided to lay back down for a minute... it was a little after 1 before i got up... dang, guess i was a little tired... i think it's me "recovering" from everything that's been going on... i meditated before i came over and blogged- trying to stay calm and not nervous about the talk tonight... i know there will be fighting and of course, me crying but that's ok... but i know that once it's all out, his side too, things will be so much better... and i can't wait... i'm going to crunch some numbers for the restaurant and then when he gets home start on payroll and paying some bills...

Lashing Out

Ah, another email that I needed… the past month or so I’ve been withdrawing from everyone- friends, family, even r… I’ve been so mad, upset, and stressed that I want to make everyone feel bad like I do… so I’ve been being very mean to everyone… which is why I’ve been withdrawing from everyone… it’s not their fault and I have no reason to treat everyone the way that I have been…

Whatever you say, if you believe it, will come to pass in your life. Choose your words and beliefs carefully.

Intense emotions demand intense modes of expression. While there are many outlets for the feelings typically deemed positive, however, there are far fewer methods for constructively coping with anger, frustration, fear, sadness, or stress. Consequently, such feelings can cause us to believe that we are no longer in control of our emotional state. Backed into a mental corner, we may lash out at the first individual we encounter. Most of us will quickly discover that our misdirected outpouring of fury has not relieved the pressure of our pain. Powerful emotions are like the lava in a volcano poised to erupt—held in check with nothing but an eroding layer of calm. Within us lies the power to direct the flood of feeling that surges forth by channeling it into productive, artistic, or laborious pursuits. Retaking control of our emotions at their height can be difficult because our already negative feelings can convince us that others are deserving of our wrath. But if we consciously look for healthier ways of expressing what we feel, we can both safely dispel our pain and use the energy of that pain to add value to our lives. Anger and sadness, for example, can become the inspiration that induces us to dedicate ourselves to bringing about the change we wish to see in the world. If we act rather than react, we can become effective agents of positive transformation. When we channel our frustration or feelings of stress into outside-the-box thinking and proactive exploits, we are more apt to discover solutions to the issues that initially left us stymied. And if we view fear as a signal that we need to reexamine our circumstances rather than a cue to flee, we may gain new and unexpected insight into our lives. Channeling your emotions into constructive action can also prevent you from engaging in cyclical rumination in which you repeatedly relive the situation, event, or expectation that originally sparked your feelings in your mind’s eye. Since you are focused on a goal, even if your ambition is merely to better understand yourself, your pain is no longer being fed by your intellectual and emotional energy and quickly ebbs away. You not only avoid lashing out at others, but you also actively take part in your own healing process while honestly acknowledging and honoring your feelings.

When situations make us feel uneasy, we often blame ourselves or others. But if we learn to discern rather than judge, we begin to see our feelings for what they really are. You can't win with your inner judge: It even judges itself for judging. Sometimes that judgmental state feels like a sword driven right into the delicate fabric of your consciousness.
Any feelings of love, relaxation, or peace that you might have been nurturing are chopped to bits. Whether you're judging others or yourself, it's impossible to aim negative judgments in any direction without experiencing the sharp edges of judgment within yourself. Doubly so, in fact, since the faults we judge most harshly in other people usually turn out to be our own negativities projected outward.

Overreacting?

Am I over-reacting or not? I don’t know, all I know is that r really hurt my feelings last night… I didn’t want to blog about it before because it still upsets me… it still upsets me but maybe getting it off my chest will help… r’s family is not big on celebrations- Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, pretty much anything except for partying just for the sake of partying… r’s never been big into Christmas like I was… I say was, it seems that I’ve lost most of the joy of Christmas… maybe I let his scrooge-y attitude rub off onto me… I don’t know… r has never cared if we have a tree or decorations up.. no lights, inside or out, except for what I used to put on the tree… in fact, the day after thanksgiving when I was putting up the Christmas decorations he was making fun of me… telling me that I was “too into it”… I just ignored him and kept going… so, last night he comes home from work and is all excited… he says, guess what? Saturday after work we’re going to put lights up… I guess I had a confused look on my face because then he started to explain… one of our night waitresses wanted to decorate for Christmas… I told r that I just wanted to hang stockings with everyone’s name on them and then they could do whatever they wanted… so he says that the night waitress wants to hang lights outside (and decorate the inside)… well, she doesn’t want to hang the lights, she wants someone else to do it… so “they” (I’m not sure who the collective “they” is) decided that they’ll hang icicle lights around the restaurant and put 2 of those light up deer under the cedar tree out front… I think that will look really good!! But, it really hurts my feelings that he’s willing (and happy about it!!!) to put lights up at the restaurant and to help them…. He won’t help his wife but he will help her/them… I told him it hurt my feelings and he said, the house doesn’t make me any money, the restaurant does… a whole discussion (not quite an argument) got under way… he said, I thought you would be excited about the lights as much as you love them… if you really want me to put lights up at the house I will… I said, no, I would hate for you to have to do that… he said, no, I’m going to put icicle lights up along the front of the house… I just let it go… whatever..
my personal opinion is that he doesn’t like to decorate for Christmas because that will take time away from him sitting on his fat ass on the couch… sorry, I know that’s ugly but I think it’s true… it just pisses me off and really hurts my feelings but… life goes on… punk.

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed and stressed… I feel like I have a ton of stuff to get done and no time to get it done.. actually, I just feel like since I have so much stuff to get done I’ll never get it all done… I have a bunch of stuff that I need to do for the restaurant, work, and then at home… plus, the holidays are coming up… I haven’t even given a second thought about presents for anyone… that makes me feel like crap but I don’t know what to do… I would try to come up with some ideas to make some stuff but once again, the whole time factor… R and I have some stuff listed on ebay and we’ll use that money for either the restaurant bills or to pay our bills with… there doesn’t seem to be enough money to pay any of the bills right now… I know that will change but it stresses me out because r and I have always been able to pay all of our bills… we may have had no money left in our checking account to live on but we always had enough to take care of the bills… I know it will all work out, it always does, but it sure has me stressed…
I went to the psychiatrist yesterday… the appointment that I moved up a month… once again we changed up my meds… we added another one… that makes 4 total that I take on a daily basis and then one as needed… don’t misunderstand though, it’s not just 4 pills, it’s a ton… of course they don’t make the strength that he has prescribed so I take 3 of 1, 2 of two others, and then one at night…he said that hopefully the new med will work and I can come off of another one! I go back in two weeks to see how everything is going and to have more blood work done (he put me on lithiobid) and they have to monitor your liver and thyroid or something… we changed my anxiety meds too… instead of the xanax I’m going to try some valium and see if that works any better… it had got to the point with the xanax that it would help calm my mind a bit, but my body would still be super tense and I wasn’t able to relax all that much (plus my memory was shot)… unless I took another one and then I’d just pass out… I took a valium last night but it didn’t really seem to do anything… might try 2 tonight…
There are only 2 more Mondays left to work this year!! 13 working days after today!!! I cannot wait… I really need a break and some time off and away from things… the stress is really wearing me down and people that normally don’t irritate me or piss me off have been lately… actually, it seems that everyone is pissing me off… that makes me feel bad though because then I keep all this anger and negativity inside instead of getting it out… plus, I feel like I’m always complaining about the same stuff… rrll and our finances basically… blogging does help though… I know this is all me and mostly because of my stress (the dr. did say that the lithium would help with the irritability and anger- as well as pms!!! YEAH!! let’s hope it does) … anyways, off to do more work… I just wanted to get this out while I had the opportunity…

Ah yes, I feel as if the wise Buddha was directing this towards me…
Buddha said, "Judge not others; judge only yourself." What appear to be faults in others may actually be reflections of our own emotional afflictions.

To end on a positive note though, 13 working days after today until a 10 day vacation!!!

Ewww!!!

i hate hair... my hair, r's hair, pretty much all hair... hair on the ground.. especially if i'm barefoot- getting hair in the toes is the worst!!! oddly enough, the kitty hair doesn't bother me... anyways, r has extremely thick hair and when it starts to grow out it gets really curly... he has these huge black curls!! it's so cute when it's grown out and he wears a hat... these big black curls stick out of the bottom of his cap... so cute... ok, back to the story... r refuses to pay for a haircut... before/when we met, he only got his hair cut once a year when his sister came home for christmas... somehow i ended up getting hair cutting duty... even though i really hate hair i don't mind shaving his head for some reason... we've been talking about cutting it for about 3 weeks... the only day we really have to cut his hair is sunday... it was cold here today and somehow i let him talk me in to shaving his head in the kitchen... i ended up giving in... i put an old sheet down all over the floor though to try to catch most of the hair... i swept and vacuumed the floor but i'm so glad it's cleaning week!!
we also got the kitties nails clipped.. that's always fun...
i can't believe tomorrow is monday and that it's already december 3rd... only 22 days until christmas... dang!! but that means, less than 20 days until vacation!!

Snow!!!

on thanksgiving i wore capris, flip flops, and a t-shirt... tuesday, jeans and flip flops, and a t-shirt... when i get up yesterday morning to go to work it was 66 and humid outside, it felt like spring... by noon the temperature had dropped into the 30s.... the high today was 27.... brrr rabbit, that is ccchhhooolllddd.... it snowed a little bit last night but not too much... today all it has done is snow... ah, i love the snow!!! probably because we never get any here!!! t let me leave early, he went out and scraped my windows for me... as i was leaving, it was snowing so hard and the snowflakes were so big!! it was so beautiful!!!

Updating

I’ve really been wanting to blog lately (I have a whole list of stuff to blog about) but I just really haven’t felt like doing it… the time and energy it would take have been too much lately… I’ve just been really tired- not sleeping good at all… been having nightmares… and really stressed… stressing over the restaurant and the holidays… my back has been hurting extremely bad… the last 2 cortisone shots that I got for my herniated disc helped for about a year and a half (it took me a year and a half to pay them off too- with insurance)… if I’m going to need to get another one I’d like to do it before the year is over since I’ve met my deductible… that’s probably another source of the attitude problem, the pain…
ah, the stress.. the past month I’ve pretty much been living on pills… not just the “every-day” ones either… also the “take as needed” for pain and stress… as much as I hate to say this and as bad as it is going to sound, luckily I have had the pills… as far as I’m concerned, they’ve been holding me together, well, as much as they can… I’ve been so stressed lately that I am making myself sick… literally… I am always throwing up… here’s what webmd said about stress and constant tummy trouble… (no, I’m positive I’m not pregnant- although my cousin announced at Thanksgiving she is): getting sick in the morning... Stress, nervousness, or a mental health problem, such as depression or an anxiety disorder. Well duh, I’ve got all those… give me something I don’t know…
The restaurant… our competition was closed Thursday thru Monday and then one restaurant didn’t open until today… r and I thought we were going to be slammed!! We were ready for it too… nope, we were dead… both Friday and Saturday… I understand that Christmas is coming up and people aren’t spending money eating out… I can so relate to that… but on the “selfish” side- dang we need the money, come on in, make yourself at home, and have something to eat!!
On a positive cute note though… the kitties have been so adorable lately… mazzy has been really needy attention-wise and that’s ok with me… she’s really getting to be a lap cat and I am loving that too!! when mazzy was little she would play “the shower curtain game”… now her and murph are both playing it… when you’re in the shower they like to come and sit in between the shower curtain and liner and keep you company while you shower… paw and bat at you a little… stick their head in to see what’s going on… it’s so cute!! on occasion, I guess when one thinks their little paws are dirty, when I get out of the shower one will jump in and just kinda walk around…
The other day, r told me that our morning waitress asked me how much I would charge her to make her a flag like I put up at the restaurant!! That is awesome!! The only thing is, the metal was free from my boss, and we are so super busy and I really don’t want to ask him about it right now… I think that’s awesome though!! momma and I went up to the restaurant Saturday and put up a few Christmas decorations… Friday night I went over to momma’s house and used glitter pens to put everyone’s name on a stocking… we got those hung Saturday… some of the girls up there wanted to decorate so I thought I’d let them … I have some flowers that I want to change out but other than that, they can go to town….
The long Thanksgiving holiday… it was so nice… being off so long just really makes it hard for me to go back to work… In high school I remember one year laying awake in bed bawling myself to sleep because I had to go back after the break… anyways, back to this year… I was super productive.. Thursday was thanksgiving… we did the whole family thing… Friday I cleaned the house… super clean!! I washed the curtains in the bedroom, cleaned the ceiling fans, and actually moved stuff to dust, not just dusting around it… I got the Christmas decorations put out too… the only thing that I didn’t get done that I would have liked too was to wash the curtains in the living room… the window is so big though that I can’t get them down and re-hang them by myself… oh well, some other time….
Ending my blog on a positive note makes me feel better… I should try that more often… I’m going to try to remember to do that… for every negative thought I should have a positive one to follow it with… that is my new “goal”…

These came in several different emails yesterday… very true and what I needed to hear…
Food for Thought:
When does a lie become an accepted truth? When the lie is repeated often enough.

MY BELIEFS ARE MY EVERYTHING
You see..... your beliefs are thoughts & ideas you've heard over, and over, and over again until they become ingrained in your subconscious mind.... and then they become something you no longer question. In other words.....when you no longer question any thought or idea.... that thought or idea becomes another one of your beliefs. And some of your beliefs are in full & total resonance & harmony with the core of your soul.... yet many others are actually beliefs of others.... adopted as your own. Since your beliefs control your life.... don't be afraid to change them. How might your life be different if you changed your thinking to only no-limit beliefs from this moment forward? Think about that one a minute… and then.....JUST DO IT!

Run and Hide

That is what I want to do… you would think since I just had 4 days off I would be in a really good mood… don’t get me wrong, I loved having the days off but I hate coming back to work… I wish I could just take off and not come back…
This past month (I know it’s been at least a month) or so has been hell on my emotions… my emotions have been like a rollercoaster… up and down… up and down… done circles and then the bottom drops out… at least that’s how I feel… bruised, battered, and beaten… I realize that I am having myself a pity party but dammit, for the most part I’ve been down for the past month and I’m so tired of it… I called my psychiatrist today to see if I could get in earlier than January 16th… I go next Monday… but if it’s anything like my visits usually are, I’ll be in great spirits by then… that’s what usually happens… I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens between now and then… of course though, calling to see if I can get in early I break down on the phone with the receptionist… that in and of itself makes me feel like a moron… there’s a whole lot more for me to blog, I just don’t have the energy (or motivation) to do it right now…

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!
there are some things that i have recently started to understand about life... more on others later but for now, what i'm really starting to understand about thanksgiving... like i said, i'm really starting to realize, i guess you could say, "the true meaning"... anyways, i found this and liked it... very true....

Be Thankful
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.If you did, what would there be to look forward to?Be thankful when you don't know something,for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.Be thankful for your limitations,because they give you opportunities for improvement.Be thankful for each new challenge,because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.Be thankful when you're tired and weary,because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.A life of rich fulfillment comes to those whoare also thankful for the setbacks.Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,and they can become your blessings.

Looking Up

i was in a pretty nasty mood most of the day... it did start to get better towards the end of work though... at least i only have to work 2 more days this week!! as far as r goes... i really don't think that's he all that mad at me... i think most of it is just frustration and he's just taking it out on me... i can't say anything though... i do the same thing... i am going to start working on the numbers though to see where we're at and what we can do to make things better... like i've been saying, i know the restaurant can succeed... it's just going to take some time and effort... i do have faith in us though...

The Weekend

it seems that some people have the innate ability to hurt you... to say mean hurtful things and most of the time not give it a second thought... here is an email between my mother-in-law and myself regarding the flag for the restaurant...

me: hey everyone... this is a pic of the finished project of the flag up at the cedar tree!! i am so excited that it fit seeing as how i did the measuring and on occasion my measuring skills aren't so good!!
mother-in-law's reply: My step-father-in-law said to tell you it is "Awesome", nice job. Texas flag, who could argue with that?

That window was a eyesore, now it has appeal.

i'm not sure if i was just taking her email the wrong way or what but it really hurt my feelings... we're doing the best we can with the restaurant and i'm sorry if we didn't have the funds to fix it all up right away... an "eyesore"... that made me feel like our restaurant is a dive... it's not a 5 star restaurant, it's just your basic small town cafe but i'm really proud of it and what we've done with it so far!! we're working really hard to fix it up and take care of all the problems but it just takes time (and money)...

i sure hope that last night and this morning so-far are not signs of how my "short" week is going to go... i've already been griped out by my boss (for rrll's mistakes) twice this morning... last night i told r that momma and daddy had loaned us some money to help us out... catch 22- i knew i had to tell him but at the same time i didn't want too because i knew how he was going to react... he was so mean... some of the things that came out of his mouth really surprised me... and most of them were directed towards me... it really really hurt my feelings... i didn't say anything though... he would barely talk to me... then he asked if we still have the money that his mom had given us to put the coke machine in... i didn't reply and he asked again... i told him no, i had to use it to pay bills (for the restaurant) and that really set him off... more ugliness and nastiness from him... he kept saying, if i had some numbers to look at i'd know where the problem areas were and what i needed to fix... (basically i felt like he was blaming it on me- that i wasn't doing my job)... i asked him before he quit his job if he would get me a copy of all the paperwork that they used- what numbers they gave him, basically how they did things so that i could use the same format... trying to make it easier on him... he never brought me the papers and kept saying, we're not going to be able to use everything they use... i kept saying that i was just going to take what i could use and from there work something us for us... i don't really understand what he wants from me... i know i can figure whatever numbers he wants but first i have to understand what numbers he needs to see... i told him that i would come up with the money that i spent from his mom for the coke machine (i feel like this is all my fault even though it's not really)... i have no idea how i'm going to do this, i guess i'll just start selling everything on ebay... he was still mad at me this morning when he left for work... i guess tonight i'm going to say something to him about me maybe waiting tables out there a couple of days a week... i'm already in the doghouse, i don't think he could probably get much more mad at me... i didn't tell him that we're already back in the hole where we were before momma and daddy loaned us that money... i had even allowed enough money to pay some bills too but that didn't work out...
this weekend was such a good weekend too!! our most excellent friends boo & kb came into town.... it's so good to get to see them and hang out with them...
i sure feel like i can't do anything right... at least not right now... i know, positive thoughts- it's just really hard when the whole world is mad at you, at least that's how i'm taking it... it's really hard to be optimistic when your husband is so pessimistic... i just want to run away or hide under my bed... at least i had 4 days of happiness this past week...
life goes on though...

Sad or Excited?!?!

today is the last nascar race for 91 days!! that makes me sad because well, today is the last race for 3 months.. but then, it's only 3 months.. that's not bad! we also get to find out who wins the chase today!! YEAH!! i can't wait!! it's going to be a really good race!! go carl go!!

Success!

YEAH!!! the "hanging of the flag" was a success!! it went just the way i hoped it would go!! it didn't take very long at all!! i was so impressed... and it looks SO good!! i really like it!! boo and kb came down this weekend! i am so glad! it is always good to hang out with them!!! we always have a good time!! boo helped me with the flag... we close at 2 and we had to wait a few minutes because there were still customers in there... we got started shortly after 2 and we were done by 2:25!! boo and i did a little "prep" work out back before we closed though... cut some wood blocks and drilled holes in the flag... i hate it that my pics are blurry... i think i might need to invest in a new camera sometime.... at least a newer camera sometime...

Working on It

blogging last night and getting it off my chest made me feel better (along with a xanax)... i don't think i realized that i had that much junk built up inside me... like kb said, one day at a time... that's all i can do... plus, knowing that the universe will not give me more than i can handle (i have to know and believe that- sometimes it's so hard though!!) reassures me too... i think that is the one belief that i really honestly know (even though i do doubt it on occasion, though i try not too)... i have to have faith in r and i... i really do, but like i said before, it's just so hard to really trust in that sometimes... i have too though... i am really working on being positive today and not getting pissed off... i had to "talk myself" out of being pissed when i first got to work... i'm ok though... everything happens for a reason and i just have to keep reminding myself of that... knowing that i have friends and family that care for me makes it easier to deal with...

momma sent me this email and i keep re-reading it... i really like it and keep trying to ingrain it into my head...

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood." Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life. "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life." I reflected on what he said. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I Don't Understand

i feel like i'm going crazy in my head... like things are spiraling out of control and i can't do anything about it... none of it... i know i can but this is how i feel right now.... i have no control... i don't understand though... r and i are doing everything right that we know how to do, the restaurant is running good numbers, and we are making more money each month than we are paying out... so, why do we have no money?? none!!! i really don't get this... i can account for every single penny!! we are way in the hole... and i don't know what do do?!? what am i doing wrong??
i get home tonight and am looking thru the mail... hhmm, something from txu... it's a disconnect notice saying if we don't pay the restaurant bill by the 28th they are going to shut the electricity off... it was due on the 10th and i mailed it on the 2nd... i call the 800# that they give me and all can i get is a voice automated "woman".... every time i say "agent" like she says to0, i am disconnected... by this time i am really getting worried... i finally manage to "mess up" bad enough on the automated part that they connect me with an agent... the guy said, no, your payment hasn't been received yet but sometimes it takes 7 to 10 days for us to receive and process your payment... even though there is no benefit to being mad, i am... maybe you should hire more people or whatever to "process the payments faster"... i have not had one electric bill under $1000 yet and they're telling me they can't process the payment faster?!? bullsh!t they can't!!!
this is just the perfect end to a what has been perfect two weeks... or how ever long it's been that i've been in a bad mood... i have been taking everything so personally and to heart lately... i feel like i've been carrying the weight of the world around.... it's like it just hit me... i have so much to do and there is so not enough time for me to get everything done... i have some things i need to do around the house but they are outside and by the time i get home from work it's dark... another added "bonus", i have no help... not that i have to have help with everything but it's like, it's always just me... and there are some things that i can't do all by myself... on the flip side, it's ok for t's grandson to take the day off to go hunting... that's acceptable but me taking off to take care of some crap around the house that most men have to take care of is unacceptable... even though t is always how everything is going... he knows our situation... thanks for caring!
ah, another "sore" spot... j is t's grandson... he started working there and is going to take over t's job... well, as i understand it... i can't really tell if he's "being groomed" to take over t's or rrll's position... if it is for rrll, my feelings are going to be very hurt... i know that there is nothing that i can do except accept it and move on... i'll cross that bridge when we get there... but, j has gotten all new "stuff".... t cleaned out the old fax room (the fax machine plus the old crap).... so now it's his office, not the fax room... now we have the file/fax room... and j's office... t buys j a brand new laptop, 2 printers- 1 for the home (that he just built for them) and 1 for the office.. brand new 10 key... gets him a bulletin board so that j can hang pics of his twins up (so that i'll see how cute they are and want to have kids- that's what t says)...
rrll went and picked out a new phone system (which was why i was so pissed at the end of last week) and that has been nothing but a major disaster... and since it was "his" project then he should have to deal with it whenever the phone guys come out (which has been everyday since friday... they'll be back tomorrow, and then at the beginning of next week) i have to deal with them... he just sits in his office... someone asked him if we had been busy today and he said, nah, not really, it's just a typical wednesday.... get payroll processed, pay some bills, wrap up some loose ends (he does NONE of this!!!) courtney has really been the only one working today... then he laughs and goes back in his office... the other day he took the church deposit to the bank but wouldn't take the business deposit... i asked him if he had my receipt and he said, oh, i just took the church deposit, i was going to let j take the business one... must be nice to do nothing except for your church crap!! (and make damn good money for it!!)
i've been thinking about our finances a lot lately... wondering how and why they seem to be in the situation they are in... we're making money, i just don't understand where it's going?!? kb said she has got some stuff listed on ebay... i need to do that, badly!! i just don't know where to start- like, with what to list... i've got a whole ton of stuff i could get rid of... i've also been thinking about talking to r about me maybe waiting tables out at the restaurant or something... getting a part-time job? i really don't want too but if that's what i have to do then that's what i have to do... i don't want to say anything to r though because he'll freak out... anytime i say something about money he automatically thinks the absolute worse... and won't let it go...
i just had to get all this off my chest and get it out... it's been eating me up inside now and it just keeps growing... i can only imagine that is where my anger and bad attitude has been coming from lately... i am way too stressed... i know i allow myself to get stressed and it's my choice to let things stress me out but sometimes i think it just gets to that point... like, no more!!

Good News

i got some good news this morning... i called the texas workforce commission about our ex-head waitress that filed for unemployment and they have denied her... they ruled in our favor!! YEAH!!! i am so happy... now i have to call on her request for food stamps and gov't help... don't get me wrong, i am all in favor of helping those who are in need but just because someone doesn't want to work (they chose not too) i don't think that we should have to help them because they are lazy (or druggies in her case!)... anyways, i just had to blog the good news about her unemployment!! that makes my day happier!! i did a little yoga last night and it made me feel better... i think i am going to try to put together my own yoga routine...

Not Again

i'm sitting here on the couch when i should be out in the garage touching up my flag... at this point in time i do not care about the flag... saturday one of my friends called me and said that she was going to do the metabolic diet... i'm not exactly sure what it is... all i know is that it's kinda expensive... well, depending on how you look at it anyways... to me, it's expensive... one reason i didn't go back to weight watchers was because it was $12 a week and i wanted to save money because of the restaurant... anyways, when i got the call on saturday it upset me... it sounds stupid i know but it upset me... i'm not sure if it's because i finally lost weight so that i'm "closer" to their weight (i know, i shouldn't even be worried about it except that i've always been the biggest one)... i know, i shouldn't worry about that either, they love and accept me the way i am, otherwise we wouldn't still be friends... so, why does this upset me? i know i should be happy and proud for them... wishing them success and luck along with any support that they might need... i feel like such a horrible friend for even thinking this... it's really bothering me and my anxiety is like sky high right now but i'm not sure what to do... maybe i should go out in the garage and paint...

YEAH!!

i finally got all my music over to my laptop and onto my ipod... the desktop can be cleaned up and re-formatted whenever... and both hard drives can be re-formatted, unlike the past million times... i am ready for walmart tonight... get my ipod on and i'm ready to go... it's really nice being in your own little world in the store... it keeps me calm, which is always a good thing!! hopefully my plan for tonight will go a little like this... go to the dollar tree (maybe?), walmart, and then to the house... depending on what time it is, i would really like to try to get all the touch-ups done on the flag... really the red is the only part i'm going to worry about.. especially since i'm antiquing it... that way it'll look even older! hehe!
13 more minutes til i get to go run my errands... we'll see how i do tonight with my "schedule"...

Bad Momma

i am such a bad momma and didn't realize it until last night... i was going thru picture albums so i could change out my pics at work and realized that i do not have a single picture of murph printed out!! we've had him for over a year!! almost a year and a half and not one single picture printed out!! poor little murphy!!!

"Characters"

instead of reminding/telling everyone who i'm posting about in my blog i decided to include a list of "characters" that i usually "sneak" into my blog somehow...

The Weekend

all in all the weekend was really good... i did some yoga on saturday morning... relaxed saturday afternoon and sunday... i got everything done that i needed to do on saturday afternoon/evening so i just relaxed on sunday... i've got to go to the store tonight after work but i would really like to try to finish painting the flag so that i can antique it... i would really like to get it hung this weekend... it seems i've been dragging it out forever! i would also like to get the leaves in the back yard picked up before it rains or something... they are everywhere!! plus, i don't know if the "backyard" kitties like the leaves or not.. it makes it harder to sneak up on the others... one more reason, the leaves won't get tracked into and all over the house... that might be a little challenge though because by the time i get home it's getting dark... maybe this weekend... we'll see...
poor r, i felt bad for him this weekend... he's been feeling bad, his throat and ears have been hurting... i think the flu shot might have made him feel worse... the flu shot was kinda harsh this year... several people felt lousy on thursday and friday... my boss pays for any employee who wants to get one and then the office people's spouses... it's really nice of him... preventive maintenance is the best kind... he was feeling so bad sunday when he woke up that i took him out to clinic care... they gave him some antibiotics so i stopped on the way back home and got them filled for him... i can only imagine how bad he was feeling since he went to the dr...
i'm excited- i get to go see mary this friday for an hour massage!!! the friday before thanksgiving... that will be nice!! my goal is to do yoga at least 2 times this week but hopefully 3 (before i go see mary!)...
on a really positive note though... this is the last "full" week we work before thanksgiving!! actually, it's the last full week we'll work in november... after that we only have 4 more weeks until our winter vacation... YEAH!!! that's something to look forward too!! i just hope the weather starts acting like it's this time of year... it's so hard for me to get into the holiday spirit when it's in the 60's or 70's...
one more thing... the growth on my wrist... well, it kept growing and growing... it looked kinda like a volcano... the top of it was kinda turning black... oh yuck!!! r and i were talking yesterday and i was examining it and was thinking about lancing it open.... for some gross reason i wanted to see what was inside... i thought it might be less painful to have r smash it though.... he got a lid from a wooden box that daddy had made me and an old belt for me to bite on... i was so nervous i threw up... me being so nervous made him nervous... it might have been kinda funny to be an observer... maybe! ok, so he hits it... really lightly... i was like, um, you're going to have to hit harder than that... he hit it a few more times and i kept mashing on it in between the hits... (it wasn't as bad as this probably sounds- he wasn't beating me!) it hurt so bad but it hurt to even just lightly put pressure on it so i wasn't too surprised that it hurt so bad! the last time i was mashing on it i felt it burst... that almost made me throw up... feeling whatever was inside it oozing out... oh yuck!! r "massaged" it out with his thumb for me because there was no way i could/would do it... we watched it just disappear... the spot on my wrist is still sensitive but not near as bad as it was... it's gone for now though... yes!!

Hhhhhmmmmm.....

yesterday was a BAD day! i was so excited that it was friday when i woke up but that only lasted until i got to work... anyways, i'm not even going to go there because i decided that today i was going to be in a good mood (even though my ears & throat hurt and i can't quit blowing my nose!) north texas weather is crazy... it was 85 like thursday this week and then like 60 yesterday... i can't imagine why everyone is feeling like crap... back to work, long long story short, i was so pissed at rrll yesterday.... i mean hot! i haven't drank since probably new years and i found myself staring at the wine yesterday in the grocery store after work... i didn't buy anything because i've had a bottle of wine in the fridge for a while... didn't end up getting into it though... i sat around and watched csi... i'm not sure if it was my mood last night or what but i was getting pissed at csi... i was like, this is so stupid, fake, and unpredictable... i think i might be moving out of the csi phase, even though it was pretty short lived... i'm finding that more and more tv really has nothing to offer me (i would be so much more productive if i would not watch tv- or so much of it)... and i keep thinking, what you put in is what comes out... yesterday i was feeding my anger and rage... no more though... i have to get out of the funk that i've been in for over the past week...
i worked on my texas flag last night and then took the tape off today (where i had to touch up)... DANG!!! the tape took off some of the red paint.. ok, the tx flag only has 3 colors!!! my metal was white so i was only dealing with 2!!! should this really be that hard?!?! come on now! i'm going to try a brush to see if maybe that will work... it really looks like it's going to end up being antiqued... not a problem i'm just not sure how to go about this though... i've antiqued before but i think i'm just scared because this is going in a public place (our restaurant) and i guess i think people will be judging it... come on!! i am stressing over this way too much!!
i'm waiting on the NASCAR Busch race to come on... like i said, nothing on tv... waiting for r to get home... (he's bringing me a chicken fried steak sandwich!! yes!!!).... i guess i might go out and clear coat the flag before i antique it... dunno though, i'm going to call momma and see what she thinks (her and daddy are SO dang crafty and talented!!) anyways, bored... i've got a ton of things to do but no desire to do them....
oh yeah... monday i got my new yoga dvd in... all week long i kept telling myself that i was going to try it out... so i finally did this morning... it was ok... i wasn't as impressed as i was hoping to be (once again, i'm not sure if it's just my attitude or what)... i'd really like to put together my own yoga routine but i don't do it enough right now... one more thing to add to the list to work on...

Fireworks

i cleaned the house tonight and i'm sitting here watching csi: miami... i know- bad in, bad out... anyways, i hear this noise and i'm like what was that? i hear it again and again so i mute the tv and finally figured out that someone was setting off fireworks, the BIG ones!! the city set off fireworks this year (or the base?) for the 4th... (we didn't have any fireworks in 2005)... my first thought when i hear fireworks is this memory (it always is)... when i was little the city used to set off fireworks at the mall (now at the base) and we lived like 2 minutes (maybe) from the mall... we eithered watched from momma & daddy's roof or from the "neighborhood" pool (it was kinda like a community pool you had to join.. i loved it there!! i am a water baby!!!) anyways, back to the fireworks... they set them off right over us... the fireworks were so big and beautiful... i would sit there mesmerized and in awe... it was like they were right on top of you.. this is one of the best memories i have of growing up... it was like, during those 30 minutes you had nothing else to do or think about... you just sat there and watched this amazing show that is being put on for you... i haven't seen fireworks like that since i was little... i would love to see a show like that again...

New Blog

so i decided yesterday to just create a new blog (was it only yesterday or am i confused?!) where i can keep my "lists" about me, various random emails that i want to share, and things about me... i guess things that might take up a lot of room in my blog.... i dunno why i really care about taking up a lot of room in my blog... i guess i just don't want to scare anyone who might be coming over to check my blog out away because it seems that i always write novels... you can also find me here:
http://courtneyincontrol2.blogspot.com

Various Thoughts

i finally got payroll done so that i can satiate my need for blogs and blogging.. i have to get my "fix"... dang... in the mornings i find myself not minding getting to work so early because that means that i have just a little more time to find out what's going on with others... is there a "bloggers anonymous" i could possibly join?!? (that's kinda funny... i'm still giggling)
i have been having really bad cycles (mood swings) lately... not sure if it's the hormones since my "visitor" is here or if i'm just having a hard time dealing with things... hopefully it's the hormones since the dr. and i just got my meds adjusted to where they seem to be working... r and i had a really long talk about that the other night... he's not a big "believer" in emotional problems... he's one of those who says, just pull yourself out of it... i believe for some people that is not as easy as it sounds... maybe i just believe that so that i feel better about staying depressed sometimes... or maybe i "like" to be depressed because that seems to be how i've been pretty much my whole life (or how i remember things)... i guess that's my comfort zone, as nuts as that probably sounds... working on changing my attitude towards my depression has been and is still a challenge for me... it seems when i get depressed that my anger really starts to show... example- my co-worker, rrll, if i could poke his eyes out i would... but they say that the characteristics that you despise in others is because you despise them in yourself... ok, as much as i hate to admit this, it is true... for some things... guess that's something else to add to the list to work on... :)
last night i was working on transferring everything that's on the desktop hard drive over to the laptop... i think i've about killed "my" hard drive on the desktop... poor thing... it's been around forever!! anyways, on my to-do list has been to transfer all my files and my music... i'd already cleaned up my files and transferred them over... it took less than 20 minutes to tranfer them... i decided just to transfer all my music over and then i'd go thru it and clean it up.... so, i started to transfer my music... the estimated time was 211 minutes to get all of it transferred.... dang!! i've only been downloading music onto the same hard drive for about 8 years now... which is the main reason i've been putting off cleaning it up... i tried to transfer all the files at once but "the network was no longer available" after some time.... so i tried to transfer smaller files (sub-categories of my music) over... same story... after trying about 3 times and wasting several hours i gave up and decided to go back to reading my fiction murder mystery... i am going to try to work on transferring again tonight or tomorrow... but, i did find hella good music on there that i hadn't listened to in eons... i love that! it's like finding old pics or cards... for me, like smells, music brings back memories...
ah hah- i knew there was something extremely "important" that i was going to blog about... my reading this murder mystery fiction novel... i used to read fiction books all the time, i especially love(d) true crime books... ann rule kicks some butt!!! i learned though that what you put into your body is what comes out... so i was putting all this anger, violence, and basically nastiness into my body and it was what i was kicking back out... i noticed that when my co-worker would piss me off i would start thinking about the true crime books i had read... so bad i know!!! shortly after talking to a friend, i started reading non-fiction books... self help, learning books... positive things... books that show you how to become a "better" person... not better than anyone else, just better than you used to be... my attitude started to change... (hindsight is 20/20 you know)... i didn't really put 2 and 2 together until i started blogging about my depression and anger earlier... i've been reading that book and it's violent and is filled with rage and i think that may have affected my attitude... i'm wondering now if it would be possible for me to conduct an "experiment" on myself to test this out... i think i might not be a good subject though because in my mind i would know that i am testing myself... hhmm... i'll have to think on that... i'm also pretty sure that the next time my newspaper comes up for renewal i'll probably not subscribe... it's only filled with bad negative things... it seems you hardly ever see anything positive in the newspaper... one of the only reasons i read the paper is to see who died and who got arrested... a waste of money? i'm thinking so....
all in all though, i think things are going ok... not really good, not really bad.. just kinda existing...

Election Day

i have a question... do you vote? i'm not asking who you vote for, only if you vote... me, i've only voted once in the 10 years i've been old enough to vote... to be honest, i'm not big into politics... my best friend though, she is political... she can tell you almost anything that you need to know about politics... up until the other night i didn't even know who the governor of Texas was... sad?! maybe so... i know that i really should pay more attention and vote because it does make a difference... i was going to see if i could find some info today on who's running so that maybe i could go vote and make an informed decision... i would rather not vote because i have no idea what's going on than go vote (just to say i did) and make some crazy choice... maybe i'll vote today...

Dilemma

so, i'm having a dilemma... i have borrowed 100 things about me list from kilax : http://www.ilaxstudio.com/ (sorry, i'm working on linking... i'm still blogging challenged!).... i would really like to post it somewhere in my blog but not in my blog... a list of 100 would be LONG... so i was thinking about linking it to another page or something but as you can see, i'm still challenged in this area... i have a blog set up on msn livespaces but i'm not sure that i want to post stuff there... i kinda like the anonymity of blogspot... i guess what i'm trying to say without saying it is i don't want the "wrong" people to see this... it's my personal space where i can speak as i chose too... for some people i don't mind at all... for others, i would really rather them not see this... i know, i probably shouldn't be blogging all this then... so, i'm trying to decide where to go from here... try to create a link page or just use my msn live spaces blog... decisions, decisions...

Catch Up

Yesterday I was kinda bored during the NASCAR race so I got online and was thinking, I sure would like to blog… the only problem, I couldn’t think of anything that I “needed” to blog… until this morning and then it all hit me at once… let me apologize before I get started… sorry if this is really long…
Thursday and Friday my anger/rage came back… not as bad as it used to be but I wasn’t all calm, cool, and collected like I have been really working on being… I was one hot tamale… dang!! Friday my boss even pissed me off and that never happens… I realized right then that I had a really bad attitude… I really honestly think it was pms… sometimes it doesn’t affect me and other times, watch out, I am a complete monster! i dealt with the anger the best I could and knew that it would eventually subside… luckily it did…
I had a really productive weekend… way more productive than the past few have been… the restaurant has a “built-in” shelf thing (I kinda consider it a hole in the wall but not really a hole) in the smoking section and r and I have been trying to think of what to do with it… I thought about using it for seasonal decorations but decided against that because then I’d have to go shopping and I hate to shop! For clothes, food, pretty much anything… (which is exactly why I’m still wearing the clothes that I had (and had been given) while I was losing weight… 49.5lbs down and my clothes are huge… I figure I’ll get around to shopping one day)… ok, back to the hole in the wall… I decided that I would get a piece of corrugated sheet metal (tin, whatever- the metal with the ridges on it) and then paint a Texas flag on it… my boss had one of our foreman cut me a piece of metal (by my measurements- uh oh- and I haven’t checked to see if it fits yet!!) and this weekend I painted it… it looks really good and I am really proud of myself… there is just one little thing I need to touch up… I was so excited about working on it that I guess I didn’t let the blue paint dry long enough and when I pulled the tape off after painting the red it pulled the blue paint under the tape off too… oops! That can be easily fixed though… I need to stop by the store and get a clear coat too… I’m also going to antique it… I’m really excited about my little “crafting” project… I miss crafting and I think that would be an excellent hobby for me to take up again… I’ve got my fingers crossed that the flag fits though… hehe
Yesterday was the perfect Sunday… cool, cloudy, and then rainy… it was a nice do- nothing day… I did get my new file box set up for the restaurant though… that’s been on my to-do list for over a month and it felt really good to scratch it off… I love lists! I have lists for everything!! I actually got to scratch off a lot on my to-do list this weekend!! yes, there is still stuff on there but not near as much…
R’s phone rang at 5 this morning… you can pretty much guess that it’s not good news when the phone rings that early… it was our morning cook… there was no electricity at the restaurant… most excellent… I get up, call the electric company while he’s on the phone with the cook and they say it should be restored within 2 hours… not good since we open at 6 but better than it could have been… about 6:30 the power was back on… not too bad (a transformer or something blew)… we were just kinda worried because the first Monday of each month the non-smoking section is reserved for a meeting and they usually start arriving around 7:30… I haven’t heard from r yet, a good sign! Since I have started “knowing”, one of those you just know things, that the restaurant is going to succeed and is going to kick ass our numbers have been so good! This puts r in a good mood… which in turn, puts me in a good mood! He told me Wednesday night that one of our competitors- Harvey’s- (I think there’s only really 3) had quit serving breakfast… at r’s old job every single morning him & whoever else was working ate breakfast at harvey’s… are we putting a hurting on them? It kinda makes me feel bad to say that but, I guess business is business… that’s just more for us…
This morning I got to work and my mood was so-so… not good, not bad… I guess you could say it could go either way depending on what happened… as usual, my co-worker is in a foul mood… really thinking about it though, I can’t say I blame him… I think he feels like he’s being “pushed out” of his job (he’s old enough to retire- Dang, I want to retire early!! I’d have already hit the door running!! But that’s just me… -and has been here for 33 years!!), he kinda is though, because as Stephen King says in the Dark Tower series, the world has moved on… (I still have to use a typewriter at work- when I started here in 2004 there was not a single computer here)… this is not the “old days” and things aren’t “the same as they used to be” back in the “old days”.. daddy told me that you have to be able to change and bend with the world and the changes that come along with it otherwise you’ll end up hating the world because it has moved on and you haven’t (accepted the changes)… like I said, it makes me feel bad for him but at the same time, take a damn hint! The boss never really “talks” to him, only gripes him out….
Anyways, enough for now… I’m off to work for a bit… I’m sure I’ll be back soon though…