Sunday, December 10, 2006

Thinking

i cannot quit thinking about this… last night I had a dream… it was very weird… I don’t remember how it started but this guy that I’ve known since I was little was in it… we ran into each other somewhere and started catching up… the next thing that I knew we were back at my parents house in my room talking… the way we used to do… for years I thought that we would get married… we both talked about it… I honestly really believed it.… something happened between us and things were never quite the same… before and after things got weird (especially after), I had very strong feelings for him but I wasn’t sure how he felt about me… I always felt he wanted the “trophy wife” and I would have been so far from that… after we quit talking, I ran into him and then I started to let him handle my retirement accounts… we talked after that occasionally, but things were weird… r and I were together and living in an apartment and it seemed he kinda had an attitude towards r and my thoughts were, you don’t even know him… I wonder if we kinda fell out of touch because we weren’t meant to be together… it’s not that I’m not happy with r, I guess I just wonder where I would be if I had made different choices.. .
the dream… my room looked exactly the way it did when I was living at home… we were just laying on my bed talking and he said, I love you and I’ve loved you for a long time… I just laid there, stunned… I didn’t know what to say… in the dream, r and I were married and I was like, you know, this isn’t really good timing… I’m married! Why didn’t you say something years ago?
Don’t get me wrong… I haven’t talked to him in years… sometimes I think about him and wonder what he’s up too… I wonder how he’s doing… one of the last things that I heard about him is that he’s living at home and he was working at an “ok” job…. I only say “ok” because when we were in college he wanted to work on wall street and I knew one day he would… I really thought he would… at one time he ended up with no car, his mom had to drive him to work, this was when he was managing my retirement accounts… he just kinda seemed to go downhill… I don’t know why… I just hope it wasn’t because of what happened or what didn’t happen because of me… I’m not saying that everyone’s life revolves around me but I just wonder… I really would like to talk to him???

R and I talked this morning… we didn’t even talk last night… that’s ok though, we got it all worked out… it actually wasn’t bad like I thought it would be… we just talked, calmly… both of us… it was actually good… it seems that we don’t really have time to talk much so we just kinda hold everything in… we both agreed to communicate more and that we would both try to help each other out more (and ask for help when we need it)…. Today has been a really good day… things are going good… in fact, they’re better than they have been in a while….

1 comment:

kilax said...

Isn't it weird when someone who used to be a big part of your life no longer is? I have a few old significant others like that... apparently I am not the type to "remain friends." Sometimes I wonder about them.