i finally got payroll done so that i can satiate my need for blogs and blogging.. i have to get my "fix"... dang... in the mornings i find myself not minding getting to work so early because that means that i have just a little more time to find out what's going on with others... is there a "bloggers anonymous" i could possibly join?!? (that's kinda funny... i'm still giggling)
i have been having really bad cycles (mood swings) lately... not sure if it's the hormones since my "visitor" is here or if i'm just having a hard time dealing with things... hopefully it's the hormones since the dr. and i just got my meds adjusted to where they seem to be working... r and i had a really long talk about that the other night... he's not a big "believer" in emotional problems... he's one of those who says, just pull yourself out of it... i believe for some people that is not as easy as it sounds... maybe i just believe that so that i feel better about staying depressed sometimes... or maybe i "like" to be depressed because that seems to be how i've been pretty much my whole life (or how i remember things)... i guess that's my comfort zone, as nuts as that probably sounds... working on changing my attitude towards my depression has been and is still a challenge for me... it seems when i get depressed that my anger really starts to show... example- my co-worker, rrll, if i could poke his eyes out i would... but they say that the characteristics that you despise in others is because you despise them in yourself... ok, as much as i hate to admit this, it is true... for some things... guess that's something else to add to the list to work on... :)
last night i was working on transferring everything that's on the desktop hard drive over to the laptop... i think i've about killed "my" hard drive on the desktop... poor thing... it's been around forever!! anyways, on my to-do list has been to transfer all my files and my music... i'd already cleaned up my files and transferred them over... it took less than 20 minutes to tranfer them... i decided just to transfer all my music over and then i'd go thru it and clean it up.... so, i started to transfer my music... the estimated time was 211 minutes to get all of it transferred.... dang!! i've only been downloading music onto the same hard drive for about 8 years now... which is the main reason i've been putting off cleaning it up... i tried to transfer all the files at once but "the network was no longer available" after some time.... so i tried to transfer smaller files (sub-categories of my music) over... same story... after trying about 3 times and wasting several hours i gave up and decided to go back to reading my fiction murder mystery... i am going to try to work on transferring again tonight or tomorrow... but, i did find hella good music on there that i hadn't listened to in eons... i love that! it's like finding old pics or cards... for me, like smells, music brings back memories...
ah hah- i knew there was something extremely "important" that i was going to blog about... my reading this murder mystery fiction novel... i used to read fiction books all the time, i especially love(d) true crime books... ann rule kicks some butt!!! i learned though that what you put into your body is what comes out... so i was putting all this anger, violence, and basically nastiness into my body and it was what i was kicking back out... i noticed that when my co-worker would piss me off i would start thinking about the true crime books i had read... so bad i know!!! shortly after talking to a friend, i started reading non-fiction books... self help, learning books... positive things... books that show you how to become a "better" person... not better than anyone else, just better than you used to be... my attitude started to change... (hindsight is 20/20 you know)... i didn't really put 2 and 2 together until i started blogging about my depression and anger earlier... i've been reading that book and it's violent and is filled with rage and i think that may have affected my attitude... i'm wondering now if it would be possible for me to conduct an "experiment" on myself to test this out... i think i might not be a good subject though because in my mind i would know that i am testing myself... hhmm... i'll have to think on that... i'm also pretty sure that the next time my newspaper comes up for renewal i'll probably not subscribe... it's only filled with bad negative things... it seems you hardly ever see anything positive in the newspaper... one of the only reasons i read the paper is to see who died and who got arrested... a waste of money? i'm thinking so....
all in all though, i think things are going ok... not really good, not really bad.. just kinda existing...
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2 comments:
I was like, "visitor? What visitor does courtney have in a past post? Did I miss something?!" DUH!!! (My visitor should be leaving soon after it just ruined my weekend.
I used to think that emotions were something you could control too. I thought people who claimed they had depression were just lazy. But then I started having a lot of anxiety attacks and a psychiatrist diagnosed me with an anxiety problem. I went to a conselor and took some drugs for about a year and a half that really helped.
Now I am a lot calmer and I understand that sometimes people really can't control their emotions :)
hehe... that's funny about the visitor... that sucks that it ruined your weekend!! no good at all!!! i hate it when that happens!! :)
i've thought that you could control your emotions too but over the past few years i thought that maybe there was something wrong with me & that's why i was unable to control my emotions...
i totally understand about the anxiety attacks! i think that my anxiety and the bi-polar are what make me want to "hermit up"... i've been on meds for years now and i just wonder if i'm going to have to take them forever?!? i've been wondering if i could help my disorders by changing the way i think about them... guess it couldn't hurt to try... :
thank you, that makes me feel so much better!! knowing that i'm not just a lazy person and that sometimes people really can't control their emotions... :)
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