And More...

So it seems that the number of things that I am grateful for in my life just keeps growing and growing… and I’m excited and happy about this… I went and weighed today for the first Holiday Trimmings weigh in and since last Wednesday I lost 3.8lbs! This makes for a total of 15.5lbs that I’ve lost total!!! The weight loss was going much better until Thanksgiving rolled around and it took me a little while to get back on the wagon so to speak but I’m not complaining. Working out at the Y is helping and seeing the loss on the scale is also motivating!!! Tomorrow night I’m going to a different Y and going to a water aerobics and swim class!! I am so excited, I love to swim!!!! (dc is going to be out of town until about 8 so that will give me a chance to go check out another Y and see what this swim class is all about!!!)
dc announced last night that he’s not going back until Monday now… he said that he had been thinking about it and decided that he wouldn’t leave on Friday, he’d stay til Monday. very nice!!! I’m glad he’s going to be here for the weekend, the weather is supposed to be beautiful, in the 70’s, and we’re going to go golf!!! Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad he’s going to be here for the weekend, I hate weekends without him, but in a way he’s just prolonging the inevitable. Except he did say, you never know, I may just keep delaying going back and just not go back… don’t toy with my emotions like that!!! but, he knows how I feel and I can’t be the one to make that decision, he has to be. It will all work out though, this I know.
So there are three (weight loss, swimming, and dc staying longer) more things for me to be grateful for!!!

Enough Already

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, when I was in such a not-so-good mood, and was trying desperately to get out of the funk, I decided to finally make a gratitude list. I haven’t shared my list with anyone because for some reason I am embarrassed about it… because of what I put on there I guess? I don’t really know… my list made me realize that I do have an abundance of things to be thankful for but somehow when I go re-read my list, I get sad. Really sad. I don’t know why this happens. It bothers me though.
I don’t know if me getting so sad has something to do with the fact that dc’s leaving next Friday, the 12th, to go back to Corpus for about a week or what. (He’s mentioned several times in my gratitude list). And I know I have no reason to be sad about him leaving but ever since I found out earlier this week that he was leaving next Friday I have just obsessed over that. It’s driving me crazy. I’m driving myself crazy. He is still here for a week but I’m already thinking about him leaving (and yes, he’ll only be gone about a week) and I know that the week will fly by and it will all be ok but it seems that every time he leaves it gets harder and harder to say bye. Devastating is the word that comes to mind. I absolutely hate it when he’s gone. I just want to ask him, do you really have to go? Why can’t you just stay? I know I should be grateful for the time he’s here (because he’s here more than he is there) but damn it if I can’t be. We’ve been hanging out/dating for almost 8 months and I still feel like I did when our relationship was new. The whole, I can’t quit thinking about him all the time, I constantly want to be with him, how good he makes me feel, how I think I can’t possibly care about him anymore than I already do but somehow I manage to find myself caring more and more. Feeling all of these emotions makes me feel like a sad sap of a person. Is this normal or is there something just “wrong with me?” I would give anything for him to just move back. Bring everything back with him when he comes back for Christmas… even better would be him not leaving and over Christmas vacation going down there and packing all his stuff up and bringing it back. Like I keep saying, I know I can’t make this decision for him, he has to do it, but damn it, I hope he knows how much it hurts when he leaves. He did say that he was shooting for the first of the year as far as moving back goes because it’s really hard trying to work from Corpus and here. We’ll see. I don’t want to get my hopes up and get excited until I know for sure.
I just want out of this funk. After writing all of this, I’m thinking that my sadness could be caused by a multitude of different things right now, mainly the holidays and dc’s leaving though. I’m really having second thoughts about posting all of this… like I said, I just feel like such a sad sap because I guess it’s almost like I feel that my happiness is directly related to if dc is here or not... and I know that’s not the case, I’m just so much happier when he is here.

Exactly What You Need to Hear

So I emailed momma this morning and was pity- partying about dc leaving… he was supposed to go back on Monday, it was switched to Tuesday, now it’s Friday… every day it gets one day later- I’m not complaining though, just like, you’re prolonging the inevitable… and it never fails the day before I get so sad it’s his “last night here” only to find out he’s staying another day… now he’s waiting on more product to come in… like I said, I’m not complaining, it’s just killing me- slowly… lol… anyways, I was pity- partying to momma and she said exactly what I needed to hear… exactly!!!
When dc first started talking about moving I was ok with it… I mean, not ok with it like I’m really ok with you moving 8 hours away but I’m ok with it because I understand that this is something that you’ve wanted to do for a long time and I don’t want you to end up resenting me because you didn’t go. It hurt (a lot) and I cried (a lot) and somehow seemed to lose sight of that perspective.

Momma’s reply to me was: I know you hate to see dc leave but you said he'd wanted to leave here for a long time. If he doesn't do it now and see if that's what he wants, he may never be happy. The new may wear off in a short time and he may move back but he'll always wonder if he doesn't take the chance now. He'll be back for a visit soon and who knows how long he'll decide to stay there at all. Maybe you can find something to get involved in to help pass the time.

After I cried, yes, I know, cried, I emailed her back and told her thank you; that was exactly what I needed to hear. She’s so right and now thinking back I’m disappointed in myself for losing sight of this but at the same time I’m grateful that she was able to help me shift my mindset and get me back to there. I have absolutely no idea where I would be right now without my family and my friends. I only hope they know how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate and love them.

Really??

So R and I went to the cardiologist today... that was about the biggest waste of time... when we got there we couldn’t find a seat… luckily a couple got called back right as we were done checking in… so we sat there for almost 2 hours and then we finally get called back... the nurse comes in and does her thing and then the dr comes in.... he listens to R's chest in the front and the back, says, there's nothing wrong with your heart, but we'll do some tests to make sure... but we can't do the tests today so we'll have to schedule another appt to come back and do the damn tests!!! so he goes back on march 4th for another ekg and a stress test… after the tests we can make another appt to come back and discuss the results... huh?!?! Did I miss something??? Did we really just sit out there for almost 2 hours?!?! For this?!?! and of course all of this is really helping R's stress level out... (sarcasm noted) one more thing, R is now sick... he has the stuff that everyone else has... it's the flu, stomach virus, mess that i had recently....
AND...
Update on momma… this morning she called her orthopedic surgeon (o.s.) and family dr to see if they could get her in… the o.s. was booked but she finally got some cooperation from her family dr… they told her to come in at 3 and they’d work her in… meanwhile, the dr she saw on Friday night called to let her know that a radiologist had looked at her x-rays and said she broke her elbow and needs to be in a “long cast”… she told the dr about her “appt” this afternoon and the dr said she’d call her right back… they told momma to come get her x-rays and take them by a different o.s. and not to worry about going to see her family dr… she couldn’t put a cast on anyways… it has to be an o.s… her x-rays have been sitting on the surgeon's desk since before lunch today... she kept calling today and they finally said, “he’s been really busy, hopefully he'll get a chance to review them tomorrow"...her family dr said that if she still hasn't heard from the o.s. tomorrow afternoon to call her back... hello, this happened on Friday and no one has done anything (or can do anything) about it...
So my question is this… what kind of healthcare is this? We pay damn good money for our insurance and this is the best we get?!?! These are the best Doctors? Hospitals? Clinics? I jacked around with my old back dr for 4 years before I finally gave up and went down to the Plano… personally I think this is a sad sad situation… (Canada is looking better all the time!!!)
Ironically, Saturday night before the Bud Shoot Out several of us were having a discussion about tax deductions (I know, exciting!!! I know you wanna come hang with us!!!) and how screwed up it is that our government allows you to deduct 100% of your mortgage interest but only 2% of your medical expenses… hhhmmm… there is the possibility that even though I had back surgery this year and will probably be paying these damn people the rest of my life (even though I have insurance), our mortgage interest deduction amount will probably be larger than our medical deduction amount… and in my opinion this is completely backwards!!! Ok, let me step down off my soapbox… here’s hoping that the rest of the week gets better than today!!! I mean, it has too doesn’t it???

grateful for... health insurance

Ranting & Raving

Today I’m not so calm… at least I haven’t been for the past hour or so… I am pissed… oh so pissed… at rrll and my boss… rrll for not doing anything except working on his church (volunteer) work… he’s so damn concerned with getting his church work done that he puts his work that he does up here (that he gets paid to do!!!) last… um, I think it should be the other way around… anyways, my boss calls me to ask why his youngest son’s youngest daughter isn’t on his insurance… um, well, your lazy ass son and his lazy ass wife didn’t get their paperwork in on time to get her added on… and she wasn’t added on at open enrollment because we didn’t check open enrollment we checked family addition… now my boss is 10 shades of pissed because of all the “technicalities”… well, you know, if you have one kid or one hundred kids insured under our policy it all costs the same and they’re not going to add another kid on there if they can get around it… it’s as simple as that… but what really burns me up is that a year and a half ago when they had their first daughter we went thru the exact same thing!!! The exact same thing!!! Once again it rolls around to your son being lazy and used to having everything handed to him on a silver platter so he just expects for everyone to do everything for him… and hello, I gave his wife the insurance papers right after their daughter was born but it took them forever to sign them (3 weeks!!!! And she comes in every Friday to pick up his paycheck!!!) I even filled them out for them!!! All they had to do was sign them… so while I’m on the phone explaining this over and over to my boss a man walks in… I kinda motion for him to sit down because I’m on the phone and can’t help him right then… my boss keeps me on the phone forever (very unlike him) and finally I holler at dumbass, I mean rrll, to come help them… hello, rrll has a mirror on his door so he can see when someone walks in… I know he can see the guy sitting there… but once again, laziness and church work prevails… and it’s not “his job”… he’s very big on not doing anything that could not be considered “his job”… I just want to scream right now… my head and my ears are killing me… my head hurts so bad and my ears feel like they’re leaking some kind of fluid… I feel like poo and just want to go home and crawl into bed… if the day keeps going like it is I just might do that… I don’t know if I could have fit all this into TOC’s confession box so I thought I’d just get it out here… stupid freaking idiot… doh!!! (it’s a good thing I’ve been working on staying positive and feeling gratitude! Please note the sarcasm…)

What am I grateful for today… ok, today I am grateful for a job to bitch about…

Intervention

I love Intervention… it is such a good show… the episode with brooke, the girl with rheumatoid arthritis, brought up a whole plethora of emotions that I haven’t felt in a long time… chronic pain sucks and it can change a person in so many different ways… it can change everything about them… it did for me… when my back problems first started and we couldn’t get my pain under control my dr. referred me to a pain management dr… the first dr. I saw immediately put me on oxycontin (and laughed when he told me he was going to put me on them, making some sort of reference to Rush Limbaugh) along with several other meds… talk about being messed up… the dr. told me how to take me meds and what my options were when the pain wouldn’t subside… family, friends, & co-workers saw me taking meds… like the girl on Intervention sometimes I would pass out from the meds… that was the sweetest relief… not being in pain… I wasn’t abusing the meds… I was taking them like they were prescribed… my family and some friends didn’t agree… they saw what they saw and thought I was abusing them… how can you tell me that I’m abusing them when you have no idea how I feel… I would do anything for no pain… and if that meant staying doped up and pilled out all the time (and the dr. said it was ok) then that’s how it was going to be… the dr. finally listened to me when I told him that the oxycontin weren’t working… he pulled me off of them (no gradual decrease in the meds) and put me on morphine patches… I had already given R my last two oxy’s and told him that no matter what happened do not let me have them… the withdrawals I went thru were so bad… to this day I have never experienced anything like that before… and I hope I never have too again… my body had become physically addicted to the meds and getting off them was a living hell… before this whole thing happened I could never understand how someone would chose to stay on the meds (or keep using)… after the withdrawals though, my whole perspective has changed… I can totally understand how it would be easier to just keep getting pilled out than to have to deal with the withdrawals and everything else that your body goes thru… I was reading this article about a lady dealing with her addiction and she said, “The withdrawal was horrific, I’d sleep 24 to 48 hours at a time. The worst would pass in a few days. But then I’d look at my life and feel bad. That’s the real pain when you’re an addict: Using hurts, but reality hurts worse.” So true, so very true.
Lucky for me, after getting off the oxycontin and my head cleared up a bit I realized that I did not want to live this way. Something needed to change… so I changed doctors… we worked to get me off all the “hard” medicine and then I was just taking pain pills… breaking the pain pill addiction isn’t as bad as the oxy addiction… I’ve broken the pain pill addiction several times and it doesn’t get any easier but at least I know I can do it… I know I have an addictive personality and I know I need to watch what I do… but dealing with chronic pain is a whole different ballgame altogether and it made me sad to watch Intervention and feel her pain, to understand and know what she’s going thru… my whole back ordeal has really opened up my perspective to a lot of things… and the one thing I keep trying to remember is not to judge someone else by their actions alone, you don’t know what they’re feeling or what they’re going thru…

Ok, now if you’ll excuse me I’ll step down off my soapbox.



I am so grateful that my back problem is no more... it has been taken care of and now I just need to take care of myself.

What?!?!

YAY!!! so i was yakking the other day about windows on the house... we asked for gift cards/money for christmas so that we could replace our windows... ... r and i had decided to only do the front three and then wait until we had the rest of the money to do the rest of the windows...

we've been wanting to get new living room furniture for a while too... and we were kinda looking at a new sliding glass door until we saw how much labor was on the windows (and the door)... anyways, r and i got a check in the mail from our escrow account at our old house... this didn't even occur to me but when we closed on our old house our insurance and taxes were paid and so the money we had in our escrow account was refunded to us!!! Fo' Sure!!! so that was a totally unexpected (and very awesome) surprise!!! so r and i start to discuss different options... maybe do all the windows? front three windows and either furniture or a door??

kb and her hubby were in town this weekend (YAY- we had such a good time!! it was a good way to welcome the new house to the group!!!)... kb and i had to run to town saturday afternoon and when we got home r said that lowe's had called on the windows... did we know what we were going to do? i told him i'd call them sunday... i completely forgot about windows though (hhhmmm, wonder how that happened?!?!) until momma called sunday night... r and i were watching the hearbreak kid when she called... when r and i bought our first house six years ago we borrowed our closing costs from them and paid them back monthy... sneaky sneaky parents (but this time in such a good way)!!!! momma and daddy decided way back then that they were going to put that money into a savings account for us and give it to us sometime... when momma called sunday night she told me about the money and that her and daddy had been talking about giving it to us so we could put it towards a project for the house, like to do all the windows!! (they're not saying that's what we have to do- just an option)... OMG!!! pinch me, tell me i'm not dreaming!!! really?!?!? another excellent and awesome surprise!!!!

so, as of now, the new, improved, and revised plan of action:

i went at lunch yesterday and paid for all the windows!!!! they are ordered and will be here in 2 to 3 weeks... the installer will call as soon as the windows are in and he'll come hang them!!! oh yeah!!! this will help out incredibly on our heat and a/c bill!!! as well as highway noise!!! i am so excited (about some damn windows- of all things, but i am !!!)

new living room furniture!!! YAY!!!! now we just have to go look!!!

AND we're looking at possibly/probably a new sliding glass door too...

the rest will go into savings....

really?!?!? i am so excited!!!!

i'm not sure if it's the watching the thought thing, good luck, my meds are finally all good, or what but i'm really happy... i feel really happy... things are going really good... i think this is maybe how things are "supposed to be"...

i am grateful for all the opportunities that r and i have had (and will have) to better ourselves and our life together...

Gratitude

lately i have consciously been making an effort to "watch my thoughts"... i have been trying to think positive thoughts as well as thoughts of gratitude instead of being negative and griping all the time... i've also been reading several books too... it seems that the underlying message i'm getting (right now) from everywhere is gratitude... gratitude towards everything... being thankful for everything (that i have, have had, and will have)... i wish i could explain how i'm feeling but i am having a very hard time putting it into words... it seems that when i think how lucky i am to have such great family that thought leads to how lucky i am to have such great friends and then onto how lucky i am to have such great kitties and on and on... when i'm in a bad mood or i can tell that's where i'm heading i've been trying to think positive thoughts or thoughts of gratitude... for the most part it has been working... don't get me wrong, it's not 100% foolproof but i've been very impressed with the "results"... for instance, instead of getting raving mad at rrll when he does something completely stupid i am trying to think to myself, i do things he may consider stupid too i'm sure and none of us are perfect... and i usually i find myself pitying him... not in a bad way though, more like an understanding... another example, road rage... that is a big one for me... if you're not driving the way i think you should be (according to how i'm driving at the time because my driving will vary) then you're driving the wrong way... um, ok, really, what sense does that make?!?! so i've been working on that... just driving... staying calm...

so i am going to challenge myself... each day i will find something to be grateful for... something to give thanks for...

so today i am grateful for this blog (and for the person who introduced me to blogging- GIRL!!!) this blog has done many things for me... the top two (in no particular order): it has allowed me to say whatever i want and it introduced me to my blogger sisters!!!