A Helping Hand

This morning I was sitting at my desk and this guy came in… I smiled like I always do and asked what I could do for him… he said that him and his wife were hitchhiking to Longview and he was looking for some work to make a few bucks to get his wife something to eat (he had work gloves in his back pocket, said at one time he had tools too but he had to sell them for money)… he said that they had slept outside last night and would do any kind of work that we had… something about this man affected me… not in a bad way or anything just in a well, I really felt like he was being honest… my co-worker, the one who is such a Christian, or so he claims, was basically so rude to the poor guy… after the guy left my co-worker was talking trash about people like that and how they’re just panhandlers and blah, blah… I didn’t even think about it until after he left but I looked in my wallet and all I had was $5… I keep looking out the door hoping that the guy will walk back by so I can give him the $5… I’m not concerned with what he spends it on, I will just know that I did my part to help someone out who needed it… that’s what matters… like I said, I don’t give money to everyone who asks but I will try to help someone out if I can… I’m not saying that I can always tell who really needs the money and who doesn’t but sometimes you just get a feeling… I know, feelings can be wrong but if it’s my feeling then that’s what I should do… it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks… it’s what I think and what I feel…. I was just thinking, he obviously needs the money more than I do… he has no job, he’s trying to feed his wife, they have no car, no house… and these are things that I take for granted each and everyday… I need to learn to be conscious, mindful, and thankful for all that I have…
I just drove down to the store where I thought he might be and I didn’t see him… at least I know that I tried and did all I could do…
Last night I was driving home from the restaurant and had my sunroof open… the road that I take back and forth to i.p. is kinda dark… there aren’t many, if any, street lights out there… I happened to look up and see the stars… the night sky was so beautiful… I had forgotten how pretty it was when it was so clear and you could see everything in the sky… I am really trying to see the beauty in everything… I’m getting better at it and I’m better today than I was yesterday…

Simple Delights

Right now, I am sitting outside on my back porch enjoying the weather… I called k just a minute ago and said, I think I’m sad… not even sad, just not happy… just kinda here… I came outside to get the kitties in so that I could go out to i.p. and decorate the one last wall in the restaurant… somehow I started watching them… mazzy was rolling around and flopping like a fish out of water on the warm concrete.. murph was sitting on top of the cooler just chillin… I can look out the screen door and see the little baby outside kitties eating… they are so precious… the big white “daddy” cat is out here too (he has the most beautiful blue eyes!!)… he sits by the tree and watches to make sure all the little kitties get to eat before he does… anyways, I look at my kitties and I realize how precious and dear they are to me… honestly, they are like my children… think, my adopted children… I only say adopted because I did not give birth to them… I love them that much… I’ve always known how much I loved them but that was just (and still is) one of those moments that you get… it’s like, looking at r at one certain moment and I just get this feeling of overwhelming love and peace in my body… like, at this moment, I cannot believe how much I love you… how perfect things are just in this moment… I know that it should be like that all of the time, maybe not that intense but just having a sense of peace that yes, this is where you’re supposed to be, you are on the right path, and all is right with the world… at least your perception of it… I love this feeling…
ah, quickly things to be thankful for: the weather, the restaurant, the outside kitties, the beautiful leaves that have already started falling (I know, probably the heat causing that), everything that I have that I take for granted (and shouldn’t, but I do, they get overlooked, but I’m working on it)… this is how I felt after just being outside, watching nature and the kitties, and just relaxing, taking time out…. Feeling way so much better than before…

p.s… I did meditate tonight (and my chakra meditation bracelet came in- all my masculine (lower) chakras are out of balance…

What Goes Around Comes Around

What goes around comes around…. I am so amazed that my co-worker (in all his Christian-ness) can be such an ass!!! And make such rude comments!! When I was not being very nice to him I never made rude comments, never!! The owner’s grandson is in the office now, he is going to be taking his place when he learns everything, and my co-worker walked by and said, blah blah yeah, after Courtney disappeared!! Um, I usually go to lunch between 12:45 and 1:00, after him… it was 1:15, he was outside, and I was hungry so I went back to the break room and heated up my lunch… (he made his comment after I got done eating!)…. I got thru eating and came back to my desk… it’s now 2:00 and he is just now eating lunch… I knew when he came back in from outside that he had 2 phone calls to return and then UPS was going to be calling back to talk to him so I decided to eat… now he’s walking around making rude comments about me!!! like I said, I might have been short with him but I never walked around making rude comments… even though there were plenty to be made… I so want to start making comments and showing him all his mistakes, like he does to me, but I know that’s not going to solve anything… maybe he’s just trying to get a rise out of me… I’m not going to show him that his comments bother me… I’m not going to give him that satisfaction… it’s like, he just can’t stand it that he doesn’t get to me anymore… his attitude has been so bad since mine has started changing… shoulders down, not up by my ears and breathe deeply… relax… there is no reason he should affect me…

The Weekend

It’s Monday and I’m having a small case of the Monday blues but not too bad… my attitude has actually improved since I’ve been at work!! I decided this morning that I’m going to start with the not-so-positive things and then blog about the positive things… that way I’ll end on a positive note and hopefully that will help me keep a positive attitude all day!! Once again, I know that all this is based on my perception… if I can change the way I look at things, the things I look at change….
So, the not-so-positive… I guess you could say it started Saturday night… I washed r’s phone… ok, not so much a big deal… I checked his cargo pockets, that’s where he always keeps it, and it wasn’t in there… checking pockets is a habit of mine from working at a cleaners… I didn’t check his regular pockets though because he usually only keeps his wallet in there and it comes out as soon as he gets home…
Yesterday I called us cellular to put his old phone back on his number until today so I could go get him a new phone… I could have gone yesterday but they didn’t open until 1 and I really didn’t feel like getting ready (hair, makeup)… so when I was on the phone with us cellular I couldn’t get the back of his phone off to give them the old esn so I asked him to do it… ok, I got griped out… I couldn’t tell if he was pushing the button down and pushing or not… he got ugly with me… I mean, ugly… I’m so glad the rep had put me on hold so he didn’t hear it… I would have been so embarrassed!! I was still on the phone with the rep and he apologized… what was my reaction, after I got off the phone? I totally defused the situation… he was making us turkey sandwiches for lunch and I went into the kitchen and told him, it was ok, I accept his apology, it’s no big deal… he was frustrated with the phone and took it out on me (how many times have I done that?) I changed the subject and all was fine… the rest of the day was really good!!
This morning… before I even leave the house for work he calls me and gripes me out… we pay our employees on Monday… (this happened yesterday) he tells me that he doesn’t know how much our new waitress is going to make, they haven’t discussed it yet… I told him not a problem… when he gets there in the morning, discuss her pay and just pay her out of the register… once again, no biggie… I assumed he heard me but assume = ass out of u and me… back to this morning, he calls me when I’m still at home asking, where’s p’s check? I reminded him of our conversation yesterday and he got all mad… fine, I guess I’ll just have to deal with this when I get to work… I don’t know how much to pay her, I’m going to have to do the math (we have a calculator up there), and blah blah… ok, whatever… how am I supposed to pay her when I have no idea how much? That’s part of “his” job, to let me know how much to pay the employees…
He calls again once I get to work… ok, we’re going to pay her what our ex-head waitress was making… I give him the total then he starts griping at me for having to pay her out of the register and having to pay uni-first… how he hopes there is enough money in the register for all this s**t…. whatever…
The positives… It’s so weird… I have noticed lately that it seems our attitudes have switched... instead of me being angry, irritated, and stressed it’s him… I’m the one who’s trying to stay level-headed and calm… he did comment on that yesterday… later that afternoon he said, I noticed how you didn’t get mad about what happened when you were on the phone earlier… that was really nice of him to notice! I know he’s got a ton on his plate right now and I’m really not worried about it… I can’t tell you for how many years I was acting like he is now… with my change in attitude though his attitude really isn’t bothering me… in fact, I feel really bad for him… I can relate to where he’s at and what he’s going thru… (the one not-so-positive thing about this situation, once again, my perception, he sometimes makes me feel that I can do nothing right… it makes me kinda doubt myself) … I just have to learn (and am doing good) not to take it personally… I kinda take it personally at first but I am learning to talk myself thru it…
I am extremely lucky and thankful to have my health (even with my herniated disc!), my family, friends, a job that allows me to spend the first however long of my day blogging and surfing around the internet, r, the kitties, and my new attitude… I have so much to be thankful for and have been realizing that more and more lately… it’s getting easier to see the positive side of things rather than the negative… I’ve rambled on long enough… more soon!

Pandas

i have a huge love for pandas... they are so incredibly cute!! this happened a few days ago but i keep rereading it so i thought i would share it... if you want the link, it's:
http://dailynews.att.net/cgi-bin/news?e=pri&dt=060922&cat=strange&st=stranged8k8vvs01&src=ap

here's the story:
Panda Bites Man, Man Bites Him Back
BEIJING (AP) - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.
Zhang Xinyan, from the central province of Henan, drank four jugs of beer at a restaurant near the zoo before visiting Gu Gu the panda on Tuesday, the Beijing Morning Post said.
"He felt a sudden urge to touch the panda with his hand," and jumped into the enclosure, the newspaper said.
The panda, who was asleep, was startled and bit Zhang, 35, on the right leg, it said. Zhang got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. A tussle ensued, the paper said.
"I bit the fellow in the back," Zhang was quoted as saying in the newspaper. "Its skin was quite thick."
Other tourists yelled for a zookeeper, who got the panda under control by spraying it with water, reports said. Zhang was hospitalized.
Newspaper photographs showed Zhang lying on a hospital bed with blood-soaked bandages and a seam of stitches running down his leg.
The Beijing Youth Daily quoted Zhang as saying that he had seen pandas on television and "they seemed to get along well with people."
"No one ever said they would bite people," Zhang said. "I just wanted to touch it. I was so dizzy from the beer. I don't remember much."
Ye Mingxia, a spokeswoman for the Beijing Zoo, confirmed the incident happened but would not give any details. She said Gu Gu was "healthy."
"We're not considering punishing him now," Ye said in a telephone interview. "He's suffered quite a bit of shock."

Friday!

I am so glad it’s Friday!!! We don’t have any plans for this weekend…just relax and hang out… well, I think that r and I are going to try to get the window unit changed out at the restaurant this weekend… I have a few things on my to-do list that I’m maybe going to work on getting accomplished but nothing major that has to be done, well, besides payroll and paying bills… last night our final number was good! That was the highest number we’ve run in about a month… and it wasn’t even our busy night… I feel so much better and reassured just seeing our numbers for the past 2 days… r said that he hasn’t been having to buy as many cokes, bread, or food… we think that our ex-head waitress was “borrowing” food, drinks, pretty much whatever she needed… much more convenient than having to drive somewhere and actually buy it… she could just walk across the parking lot and “borrow” it… that’s good because it’s cutting down on our food cost! This whole issue has ended up working out for the better… there’s always something positive in every situation (even though it might be a little hard to see) and I see the positive in this situation now… the only person that we’re really worried about keeping happy and content is our morning cook, e… her and r have a good relationship though… I must say that things are going well… I’m already very excited about the turn around in the business!!

I didn’t end up going to my class last night… I got home, was talking to k on the phone, laying on the couch, and I got so sleepy… I took a nap… then overslept this morning… no biggie though, I still made it to work on time, actually a few minutes earlier than I normally get here… ah, I’m getting a massage tonight… she’s going to work on my neck some more… it is bound up!! I’ve been doing my neck exercises too…

After my nap last night I tried meditating for a little bit… I found some guided meditations online and listened to them…. Even though I haven’t tried meditated that much, I’m still a newbie, I found myself getting really relaxed last night… the way they were describing that you would feel, that’s how I was feeling… I felt much more calm after I got done… the kitties even left me alone while I was meditating… needless to say, after I was done they went crazy!!

Relief!!

When we forgive, we are also forgiven. If we love, we will be loved. If we feel peace within, we will attract more peace to feel within.... just as if you hate, you will be hated. Everyone's own freedom is in inner forgiveness, love, peace, approval and allowing.

Naming our emotions allows us to see that since they vary constantly, we do not have to get wrapped up in them. The times when we are moody occur because we pay attention to our mood swings and let them direct how we feel. Seeing that every second our thoughts and emotions incessantly change, however, enables us to release the hold they have on us. Realizing that our thoughts do not have to define our moods helps us feel more secure, grounded, and at ease with them. By detaching from your emotions, you will discover that true comfort rests in letting go.

This is long but you’ve been warned…
As much as I hate to admit it, I’m glad that r and I found out that our head waitress and her friends that we had working there (yes, there have been 3 so far) were stealing… I honestly thought that I was doing something wrong and that’s why we had no money in the bank… I couldn’t figure out where I was going wrong either… about the end of august, r said to me (and kept saying to me) that he thought we should be making more money… I thought that he was just comparing the numbers we run to the ones he ran at his old job… I really didn’t think too much about it… I have to say though, he was right… several people have been coming up to him and telling him that he must be making money hand over fist because the restaurant is always so busy… not the case though, we were barely getting by… (I can admit this and talk about it now)… yesterday confirmed his suspicions though.. he said that breakfast and lunch were dead…. Normally during our lunch special we are out of the special early… yesterday he ran the special during dinner too because that’s how dead our lunch was… when he pulled the tape at the end of the night our final numbers were what they have been for about the past month… r says, there have been days where we’ve been so busy that the restaurant is packed but at the end of the night we would run about what we ran yesterday… yeah, something was going on… on average we figure that the waitress got away with about $2000…. That’s a conservative estimate too… an average of about $100 a day, $500 a week… we’ve been open for 8 weeks now… like I said, that’s a conservative estimate… now I understand where all our money was going.. into their pockets… their stealing really put us in a bind… the past month I’ve been thinking, are we going to make it? it’s only the second month and we have no money… now I understand… so as bad as it sounds, I’m glad to know that they were stealing… that is over now… I think we are on the right track getting people in there that we can trust… I feel such a sense of relief though from knowing where our money was going… we will and can recover, it will just take a little bit…. It will all work out… like I’ve said before, when r and I were talking about buying the restaurant I was so at peace with the idea… I had no reservations about it at all… now, all my reservations are gone again… everything happens for a reason and they did get away with money but now we know what was going on…. our numbers should look much better and things will get easier…
As far as sneakers is concerned… man, I would so love to have him… I know that the adjustment for mazzy and murphy would be difficult, more so for mazzy… but, if sneakers is meant to come and live with us he will!!! My class last night was very interesting.. I’m learning how to muscle test… I’m learning a lot of things that I can take and apply to my life…
Oh yeah, this is so odd, to me anyways… just another sign that I’m on the right track… there is this show I listen too on xm radio… broadminded… it’s 3 “broads” who have been best friends for years and they pretty much say what they want and talk about all kinds of different things… last night I had to run to walmart before my meeting and I was listening to the broads… they were talking about manifesting their own destiny…. They had a lady on the show and she was telling them everything that I have been reading about for over the past year!! Unbelievable!!! That really inspired me more and gave me more confidence that I am headed in the right direction… like I’ve said before, change is hard… changing your thoughts and beliefs… I’ve been this way for 28 years but I know I can change and manifest the life for r and I that we want!!!

Decisions

it seems that things keep popping up where we (or r or i) have to make a decision... where to begin... r and i had figured out that our head waitress, the one who's been with us since we opened, was stealing but we didn't really know this until recently... we had no idea how much until today... we don't have an exact number but we're now sure that she was stealing... so he fired her... all she seemed concerned about was her reputation around town... personally in my opinion, she's done enough on her own to damage her reputation without our help... crackhead! (sorry, i know that's not nice i'm just really frustrated and irritated)...
the other dilemma... sneakers... he's the kitten from the cedar tree.... he's been living up there since we opened up... i feel so sorry for him... he is one of the cutest little kitties in the world!!! he is so sweet too!!! and lovey!!! all he wants is a home and some love and attention... r has been feeding him and giving him fresh water everyday... sneakers let's r pet him... now he's following r to his truck and following him around outside... it's making r feel so bad... we both decided that if someone hasn't taken sneakers home (we've had several people say they are going to take him home) by friday then we'll take him... we've given it a lot of thought... contemplated having another kitty... how will mazzy and murphy act? mazzy wasn't too happy when murphy came along but she got over him so she can get over sneakers... i think that murphy would love to have sneakers as a brother/sister.. plus, murphy would have a play partner so maybe mazzy would like that, maybe she would get left alone... is three kitties too many? r is the one who made the two kitty rule but he is the one who brought bringing sneakers home to live with us up.... i should know that if it's meant to happen it will.... if not, it won't... i just can't get over how sad sneakers makes me though... people call me the crazy cat lady and that's ok with me... right now i really don't want to have any children, maybe one day, maybe not... we'll just have to see how that goes... to me, my kitties are my children... there was this bumper sticker that i saw once, cats, not kids... um, yeah!! i personally don't think that three kitties is too many and i shouldn't really care what others think... all i know is that sneakers has to be rescued... all he wants is to be loved and a home... he's not asking for too much... i know we could give him that!! and we will if no one else does!!

Various Tidbits

here are some various tidbits of information that i have picked up over the past few days... pieces of things that came in an email, something i read... things like that...

My emotional pain is never about the other person. It’s not about my spouse, my parents, my friends, or the stranger in the store. It’s always and only about me. Whatever anyone else is thinking or doing is never about me; it’s always about them. They live in their own interpretation of the world.

If the generally accepted concept were to obtain what we really need and then be content, society would be completely different. We would not always be tortured by fear and anxiety. We could just relax and be happy. Developing a sense of contentment is a precious gift.

"Anxiety is mostly caused by two emotions: anger and sadness." "People get anxious about not being able to control their anger or about not knowing how to deal with situations that make them sad. And that is what fear is—the inability to solve the problem that is making you angry or sad."

"The breath and mind go together." "If the breath is calm, steady, and even, so are we. If the breath is shallow, agitated, and arrhythmic, the mind won't be able to concentrate."

I am mightier than any negative circumstances that I might face today, tomorrow, or ever.
I am rising up, out, and away from old limiting thoughts, habits, and concepts about myself.... and practicing daily positive self-talk is greatly helping me do this.
I am pure potential..... and my potential is unlimited.

Monday, Monday

well, it's monday.... i'm not a big fan of mondays... it's not that i hate them, they just happen to be one of my least favorite days of the week... here's why (i know, it's probably a cheesy reason but it's the truth)... i get to spend the whole weekend with r (or most of it anyways) and saturday and sunday we had such a good time... it was so nice just to be able to relax and not have to worry about doing anything... come monday though when it's time to get up and get ready for work, i start dreading the day ahead (i know, i need to work on my attitude towards mondays)... i miss r and the kitties so much on mondays... spending time with them makes me appreciate and love them so much (but monday makes me miss them)... i know that absence makes the heart grow fonder but kinda like mondays, i'm not a big fan of absence.... as the week goes on i am more ok with it... then the weekend rolls around... but, at least i have family to miss!! i can be thankful for that!! and i have a job to go too... i'm really working on changing my thinking (or figuring out how to change my thinking) regarding mondays and missing the family.... it kinda makes me sad for r that he has been working so hard lately and is going to have to keep working this hard for a while... he's gone from 7:40 in the morning to about 9 at night... i know he's busting his butt though... that makes me feel bad because i don't feel that i'm doing enough or as much as he is... that i should be doing more.... anyways, i just wanted to get some of the sadness out, hoping that will make me feel better and that i can think positively!!

Wisdom

since i'm big on sharing emails i wanted to share this... it kinda describes where i am at, where i've been, and where i'm trying to go... it's like, i know i'm on the right track but sometimes i get nervous and doubt myself because i really am working on changing and change can be and is kinda scary... i am leaving the safety of the known (even if the known is maybe not as good for me) and stepping into the unknown... i would have to say that for the most now, now anyways, i am becoming more comfortable with what is going on in my life and am really working on changing...

Life has its ups and downs. While it may be tempting to wallow in our misery during the downs, or quickly move past the source of our despair, that isn't always the healthiest way to deal with a crisis.
It's human nature to avoid the emotional roadblocks that pepper the path to spiritual maturity, to seek instead the slow and steady pace of the ordinary traveler. Yet reaching higher spiritual ground requires an extraordinary traveler. It demands the kind of change that comes from facing challenges-emotional, spiritual, or physical—and growing as a result.
A spiritual initiation—an exceptionally difficult life passage that shakes your foundations and makes you question your purpose—is just this sort of change. Disguised as a loss, it's actually an opportunity to strengthen the thread of awareness that connects your outer inner selves, a chance to travel deeper into the soul.

Fall

this weekend was a really good weekend.... our good friends, b&k, came into town and we got to hang out with them... it was really good!! they helped us get so much done this weekend at the restaurant (i only hope they know how much we appreciate their help!! it probably would have been a disaster if r and i had done it ourselves!! k had so many good ideas on the decorations, things that i wouldn't have thought or would have thought of too late)... r and b got the tv's hung and k and i got the decorations up... it looks great in there!! having the tv's up and something on the walls really does a lot for the place... saturday night we watched lucky number slevin... it was a little confusing until the end, not a bad movie overall, i think i was just kinda restless.... (last saturday i watched friends with money, i really liked that movie, it was what i needed to see at the right time, i'll have to blog about it later)
today has been a really good day... i had a couple of loads of laundry to do, payroll, and pay some bills.... we've had the windows open all day, it has been so nice outside... i love fall and spring... fall is good because we're moving towards the winter and it's all cold and you can bundle up, cuddle up, and snuggle up... the spring is good too... i like the warmness of summer after the cold winter (at first anyways, until it gets way hot!)... i am really looking forward to fall though... i'm not sure how "warm" it got today... the last time i looked it was 63... like i said, we had the windows open all day, it rained most of the morning and part of the afternoon.... i love days like today when i'm off work and don't have much of anything to do... so nice, relaxing, calm, cool... i figure it'll probably get warmer before it starts to get and stay cool but that's ok... i know that fall isn't totally here yet but it's on its way.... i love being able to leave the windows open... that is one of my most favorite things...
things are looking good and going good... for the most part i was in a good mood this weekend... i got a little hectic friday, it started when i left work and went to walmart, but other than that, my mood stayed good!! i was really proud of myself for not getting mad at my co-worker all week long... yes, he did start to irritate me but i talked myself out of getting mad... i have a class to go too on wednesday night to go over the 5 elements that we talked about in the last class that i went too... we're going to go over it some more since a few of us (me included) didn't understand part of it... there's a class thursday night about buddhism that i want to go too... like i said before, i'm not changing or converting religions, just learning about new ones that way i can take different things from all of them... buddhism sounds really interesting from what i've read... anyways, that's what's on my agenda this week.... i'm looking forward to my classes... it'll be another good week at work... i think i am irritating my co-worker by being so nice and in such a good mood... it seems his mood and attitude have gone downhill since i've started being so nice... it's like i'm pissing him off.... kill 'em with kindness though, right? i'll blog more soon... as far as i can tell i don't have much going on at work this week... same 'ol stuff... maybe helping extend payroll prices but that only takes me about one full day... no biggie... until later...
peace, not pieces...

Changes

i'm really hoping to have time to blog twice today... this first one is a combination of emails that were in my inbox this morning (the second will be about issues/perceptions that i really would like to change).... i truly believe that the universe gives you what you need when you need it... this morning's emails seemed to be about changes... i used to not like change (i am working on that)... prefering to stay in the comfort of what i know... i am now realizing that life is always changing and the only constant is change... some of the emails kinda repeat themselves but i feel that is the universe's way of really "driving a point home" to me... making me realize that this is important... so, below is a hodgepodge of what i received this morning....

one little note, i'm not "converting" religions so to speak, i'm just taking different things from all different religions to manifest my own destiny... how to live life with love, how to be more positive, finding peace, self-love, and respect, that God isn't a judgemental "person"... things like that...

"If I'm not intolerant of my shortcomings, how can I ever expect to change them?" The truth is, real change only happens when you're kind to yourself.

Accept everything that arises. Accept your feelings, even the ones you wish you did not have. Accept your experiences, even the ones you hate. Don’t condemn yourself for having human flaws and failings. Learn to see all the phenomena in the mind as being perfectly natural and understandable. Try to exercise a disinterested acceptance at all times with respect to everything you experience.
Part of yogic philosophy is the idea of detachment. This means that, instead of hanging on desperately to people, activities, or objects, we should learn how to flow with the current of life and recognize that change is the only constant.
As Buddha said, “impermanence is the nature of the human condition. This is a truth we know in our minds but tend to resist in our hearts. Change happens all around us, all the time, yet we long for the predictable, the consistent. We want the reassurance that comes from things remaining the same. We find ourselves shocked when people die, even though death is the most predictable part of life."
the next time you notice that you are grasping onto something in your life, ask yourself what it would feel like to appreciate that thing fully while at the same time being prepared, when the time comes, to let it go.
these feelings of irritability could be reflection of your inner feelings about the constant changes that happen in your life. It might seem that everything around you is in a state of flux and that even when you are at home you sense the changes that are happening. Learning to be present with change and recognizing the impermanence of things could help you overcome your mood swings. Should you notice that you feel ill at ease, you can remind yourself that everything changes and even though you do not feel comfortable, your feelings will soon pass. Keeping this in mind might help you recognize that both pleasant and unpleasant feelings undulate. Acknowledging that change is the only thing constant in our lives lets us remain with our uncomfortable feelings without becoming attached to them. When we feel unsettled about things, it is easy for us to attach ourselves to our moods. Realizing that nothing stays the same, however, allows us to let go of our frustrations when things don’t seem to go right. We become relieved with the knowledge that nothing is permanent for we recognize that our unease is often simply the result of wanting to keep things constant. By becoming aware of the impermanence of your thoughts and feelings, you will become better able to control them and feel a greater sense of peace.

Daily Saying

here is today's daily Buddhist Inspiration saying (very fitting and appropriate):
Happiness and suffering come from your own mind, not from outside. Your own mind is the cause of happiness; your own mind is the cause of suffering. To obtain happiness and pacify suffering, you have to work within your own mind.

Up and Down

i can't believe it's been 10 days since i blogged.... that's just crazy!!! but, i have been really busy and haven't really had the time... i feel like there has been a lot going on.... most of it good... some of it hard or challenging... (i don't want to use the word bad; i am trying to get away from labeling things as bad)... my attitude was really good up until this weekend... then i seemed to kind of get in a funk... i'm not sure what happened, especially since it was the weekend... r and i had a good weekend though... we didn't do much of anything... it was nice just to relax though... i did go to another class on sunday... a meridian and the 5 elements class.... i didn't seem to take as much information away as i did the first class that i went too.... i think it might have been my attitude though.... it wasn't negative it just wasn't very positive... i was just kinda there... i did learn that i have a lot of conscious and subconscious fears/worries that i need to address and learned several techniques to address that.... i need to start working on addressing those issues though... what you put out into the universe is what you're going to get back... garbage out, garbage in... positive out, positive in.... i have really been trying to think of all the things that i have to be thankful for instead of all the negative and what i think i'm lacking... (because i'm not very positive this morning i'm going to list a few things that i am thankful for)....
i am thankful for:
my wonderful husband r, i can't imagine my life without him... i think there would be an empty void in my life...
my wonderful "kids"/kitties... i love them like they are my children... they act like my children too...
my supportive friends and family... they are always there and knowing that they are there reassures me....
my job & my boss... it really is a great job, no matter how much i gripe about it... i've learned a lot here that i can apply to other areas in my life...
my house, my health, eye sight, hearing, the fact that i have another day to live (i can't take that for granted), good teeth, and the fact that i am really working on changing myself so that i can manifest my own destiny and create the life that i want, filled with happiness ...
just listing those few things that i am thankful for really did make a difference in my attitude... i am now looking at life with a smile on my face.... i have so much to be thankful for and i need to be conscious of that at all times... i need to live my life with love, not anger or fear... here is my positive thought for the day:
You have two basic choices in life; love or fear. Choose love. At the basis of all anger is fear. Fear not. You cannot live with both emotions. Your emotions will either be love based or fear based, the two cannot exist at the same time.
for the time being i am going to work on keeping my thoughts positive, live my life with love, and remove the worry from my life... live in the present... the past has happened and there is no need to punish yourself (repeately) for the choices that you made... the future is not here yet and there is no need to worry about it since you can manifest it and make it anything that you want it to be... i need to live in this moment...
peace, not pieces...

More Rambling...

sorry guys, another long one... i know, i've been very long-winded lately...
I’m calming down… I got myself all stressed out for no reason… well, because I think that something’s wrong if I’m not stressed… all this stuff I have to do, not a problem… I’ll get it done, and if not, oh well…. The important things I will take care of though… I did get the house cleaned and some laundry done last night… I’ve gone as far as I can on payroll without anyone’s hours… that won’t be bad at all… mom is making the curtains and she took the old pictures of i.p. to see if someone can “fix” them… I really appreciate that, she is taking a lot of stress off me!!
I was laying in bed this morning thinking… when I say morning I mean about 3am… the past 2 nights I’ve gone to bed and then woken up about 3 or 3:30 and have been unable to go back to sleep… so, I’m laying there thinking… the kitties sure have been lovey lately… and wanting attention! For murph this isn’t unusual... but for mazzy, well, it’s really unusual… she loves it when I pick her up, carry her around, and pet her… she loves the foot love too (and if your feet are stinky that’s even better, I know, yuck!)… but yeah, the past week or so, she’s been very affectionate and lovey… makes me wonder what those 2 are up too… hehe… maybe it’s the new petmate water “fountain” that I bought them… it’s one of those water dispensers that cycles and filters the water so that they’re always drinking clean purified water… murph is so cute… he loves to drink it off the “slide” part… not out of the reservoir… mazzy wasn’t real impressed with it at first but I’ve caught her using it… one more think I love about the kitties, their “satellite” ears… the way they can make them go any direction or lay down flat…. It’s so cute!! I love their little ears!! I know, stupid but it makes me happy!!
Lately I’ve been talking about everything happening for a reason and at the right time… well, we had sold r’s old suburban to some friends and they were paying us out… she called at the beginning of the week and told me that she was going to pay it off today… she came up to my work and paid us off… that’s so awesome because I was fixing to have to “pay” r for his work at the cedar tree… so far I haven’t had to pay him yet, we’ve been living off of what we had in checking… when I say pay I mean, put money in our checking account for bills.. so yeah, this week I was going to have to pay him but not now!! I need to go to the bank and deposit the money AND I even have $100 (or more!!) left to spend on decorations!! Yeah!!! Everything happens for a reason and at the right time!! It’s amazing!! I am so excited about this!!! it just makes my day and mood even better!!
I got done blogging yesterday and checked my email.. guess what was in there?!?! It’s amazing how this happens… Something that I needed to hear/read (a little cheesy but still good!!)… here it is…

What do you think you have to do today?
Do the things on your list sound like fun? Are they clearly moving you in the direction of what you really want in your life?
Are there duties on your list that seem necessary but not any fun at all? Things that seem necessary but aren't fun and don't even head you in a positive direction?
Does the sheer volume of what there is to do crowd all the fun out of everything?
I woke up this morning with the same headache I had yesterday.
It was no secret where it came from. I had WAY too much on my plate and had myself all stressed out about handling it.
It isn't just about those big dreams we have that are out there on the horizon. It's about daily life.
I laughed when I realized it was my own thoughts that were stressing me out. Good grief! How quickly I forget everything!
Do you want to feel some relief from your own stress? Want to feel more confident about reaching your goals and getting what you want?
Does it feel like you can't ever make progress?
You CAN. But how?
The definition of overwhelm: thinking you are responsible for things that you believe you lack the time, knowledge, ability, and/or resources to handle, and that you must handle them according to a standard you believe you can't meet.
What if all that was required to get the important things done was faith in the outcome, loving yourself enough to believe that what you want is worthwhile, willingness to do your small part, and acceptance that the universe handles the large part?
Something to think about.
Just allow yourself to accept that what you CAN do is enough. Hang on and joyfully go with the flow, instead of jumping out with your worry and self-judgement about why you're not there yet
Next time you're proud of yourself for accomplishing something, be proud! You did your part!
And a big part of what you did is to be willing to allow the energy of the universe to work through you.
You breathed.
You imagined.
You gave yourself permission to try.
You let yourself think you could.
You gave yourself a reason.
You challenged your stressful, scary, and self-defeating thoughts.
You believed you were worthy of your goal.
You believed your goal was worthy of you.
You believed that somehow what you needed would show up.
Next time you think you can't, check your willingness to do these things.
You CAN.

Rambling...

this is long... you can't say you weren't warned...

Where to begin… I’m not sure… I’ve been really busy lately and looking at my to-do list it doesn’t look like it’s going to get shorter anytime soon… well, not soon enough anyways… at lunch today I was thinking, you know, I would really love to have some “me” time… time where I can do whatever I want and not feel guilty because I’m not doing something else… that is something that I will have to work in and work on…. I’m really looking forward to the 3 day weekend that’s coming up… I was hoping for a couple of days to rest and relax… maybe Monday! Saturday and Sunday seem to be filling up pretty fast… but, if I can get everything accomplished that I want to accomplish, my to-do list will be much shorter… I think it may have something to do with the fact that I do have a 3 day weekend but I have stuff to do 2 of those days so far… and it’s stuff that has to be done… well, needs to be done…. Finish painting the restaurant… go buy and hang decorations… mom is making the curtains for the non-smoking dining room (awesome, one less thing I don’t have to worry about)… do payroll, since we’re going to be closed Monday everyone is getting paid Saturday…. At least I can get that done Friday night… that will be one more thing off my to-do list AND I won’t have to worry about it the rest of the weekend! ok, so thinking “aloud” about all the stuff that I have to do doesn’t seem that bad now… I’ll get the house cleaned tonight, start on the laundry tonight, and pay our personal bills tomorrow at work…. That pretty much takes care of my “home” to-do list… well, except for one thing… I think this might be what’s making me so, um, well, not wanting to do anything… for some reason this scares the hell out of me… I need to call a realtor to see about selling our house… what we need to do in order to list it and what repairs we need to make… what we need to fix-up… things like that… r is on me about moving to iowa park… I’m all for that! I am just really nervous about selling our house… not so much because I want to stay in it but because I’m scared of what the realtor and/or potential buyers will think… or that the realtor will be like, um, yeah, no one is going to want to buy your house… in all reality and to be perfectly honest, I know that is not going to happen… so why do I have that fear? I don’t know… I guess because I’m always so worried about what people think (I’m working on that!!)…. That they’re judging me (I’m working on that too)…. And that they’re going to judge me and my house… like I said, I’m working on that…
I’ve been reading self-help books if you will… I don’t really like those combination of words together but anyways, I’ve been reading these sorts of books lately… there is one author, Don Miguel Ruiz, he wrote The Four Agreements and there is a companion book that goes with it… the companion book walks you thru what the book explains… there are exercises that you can do…. Anyways, I’ve managed to ramble way off track… in the companion book Ruiz says, All of the personal drama that we experience, all the emotions that burn us up, that lead us into self-destruction, into addictions, into lies, into dogmas and fanaticism, are the result of our beliefs, the result of a program. He explains that we are the way we are because of the way that we were programmed, or domesticated (brought up, raised, taught, whatever word you choose to use). It’s no one’s fault because they were just programming us the way they were programmed… by us being taught that way, we were unable to choose our beliefs… what we wanted to believe … everyone else’s beliefs were just forced upon us and we accepted them… when the whole domestication process started (at birth) we had no choice but to believe what we were told….. ok, I could go on and on but to shorten this up, I’m working on changing my beliefs… I’m re-evaluating my beliefs and if I don’t like it, it’s changing… Ruiz said that everyone started looking for happiness outside of themselves because you no longer trust who you are… the world, society, the “domesticators” were always telling you what to believe so now you look out there for answers you can only find within yourself… not who everyone else thinks you are or who you should be…. Justice, beauty, happiness, love, and peace (everything that you are searching for or have been searching for) are all inside you… you have to find those good positive qualities inside yourself and then you will see them in others… so, in a really long, round about way, I guess I’m saying that I need to learn to be happy with me and myself and not worry about what others think about me… as long as I’m happy with myself what anyone else thinks about me will not bother me… that’s where I’m working on going… finding all these good positive qualities inside me (I know they’re in there, I have to believe that)… maybe believing in myself (more than I do)…. Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough… long enough to make myself feel better anyways… I guess I feel like, I know where I need to go, now I just need to get there… and programming these beliefs didn’t happen overnight so I can’t expect them to be gone overnight but I can start working on changing… baby steps right?!

Pet Rules

PET RULES To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Usually come when called

5. Never drive your car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Not so Bad

this morning at work i posted the other blog from today.... looking back, today wasn't that hard at all... i managed to stay positive and not let myself get down.... the day started out hard but ended excellent!! the day just kept getting better and better.... that makes me really happy since today is only monday (and monday didn't start out so good).... it only makes me hope that the week is only going to get better from here.... when i blogged earlier my computer kept saying, unable to connect to blogger... this might not save... i messed around with it for maybe 5 minutes and then just left it... went back "home" and actually forgot about blogging.... i'm glad i decided to stick around at work today... i was very productive and had a really good day!! i found out that k, my best friend, passed the last part (there were 4 parts) of her CPA exam.... now all she has to do is take an ethics class and test... she is good to go!! she has been working on this for several years and i am so excited for her!! that is so awesome!!
another good thing, the weather! when i got in my car to leave work at 5, my car said it was 79 degrees.... i know there was some humidity but to drop basically 30 degrees in like a day, it was low 80's yesterday!), is a big difference!!
r called me at work somewhere around 10ish... they got the a/c fixed... it needed a new fan motor?!? didn't cost as much as i was scared it could cost.... we got opened for lunch and r said it's been a pretty good day, considering we were closed for breakfast.... i think that staying positive today really helped me see things differently...
i feel that lately i've been staying pretty positive and pretty laid back... i haven't been pushing (or trying to push) r's buttons lately.... i've been staying pretty chill lately... not arguing... trying my hardest not to get pissed off... i've had to talk myself out of being mad a few times this weekend but that's ok... if that's what it takes to keep me calm... me telling myself not to be pissed, listing all the things that i have to be thankful for (good teeth!).... anyways, i've gone off on a tangent here... i just wanted to say that, even though the day started off hard, it didn't stay that way... in fact it has just gotten better.... that makes me feel so much more secure with me and the changes that i've been trying to implement in my life... i really am working on becoming less stressed and being more laid back... being like the water, flowing with things.... this change in thinking has been on my mind lately, making me more conscious of the "new" thoughts.... things are going good! hopefully they stay this way!

Hard Day

If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.

i got this email this morning, which i will share with you at the end of this blog, and it really fits me today... i titled this hard day instead of bad day... i don't want to look at days as bad, just hard or challenging... when i first got to work this morning i was about to just break down in tears.... i've managed to pull myself out of the funk and really am feeling better.... instead of asking, why is this happening TO me i'm asking, why is this happening FOR me? because everything happens for a reason....
i guess i should explain what's going on... r and i went out to the restaurant to paint the non-smoking dining room yesterday, to clean out the shed, and just kinda work on some things that we've been wanting to work on.... we get out there and the thermostat says its 96 degrees in there... the breaker that the a/c was on had blown... not really a big deal since this has happened before... not a lot, maybe a couple of times... r goes out to flip the breaker back on and the a/c comes on but it's not blowing cool air, it's hot.... he ended up messing with that for about oh, an hour... i got the back of the kitchen door 2nd coated (it faces the non-smoking dining room and i had gotten 1 coat of paint on it- didn't realize it was going to be shut all the time- forgot to 2nd coat it and it was driving me crazy!!).... we decided not to paint because it was so dang hot.... just from being in there an hour my sports bra/tank top was soaked.... yuck!! plus, looking around the non-smoking room, it was going to take us a little while and we really didn't want to paint in the heat like that.... so we went back home.... this morning the cook calls at about 6:15am and tells r that the a/c isn't working and it's 99 degrees in there... she also tells him that the ice machine is on the same breaker and isn't working either... r leaves the house in a foul mood... i felt so bad for the kitties, normally he gives them love when he leaves but not today... poor kitties!! to be perfectly honest, i'm not that stressed about all of this, it's just something that we're going to have to get fixed and there's really not much else we can do about it... i just feel bad for him because he's out there all the time, seeing things that just drive him crazy, and we were going to start working on those things but now we are fixing other things... it'll all be ok though.... so, it's not a bad day, just a hard day... i need to be optimistic right now, for r, if for no other reason... it will all work out and be ok... i will just stay positive!!

Hard Days
We all have days that seem endlessly difficult and hard. On these days, it is as if the odds are stacked against us and we just can't get a break as one challenging situation follows another. We may feel like we're standing in the ocean getting hit by wave after wave, never able to get a full breath. A hard day can be a great teacher. It will eventually end and we can look back on it, taking pride in the stamina, courage, and ingenuity it took to hold our ground. We may also look back and see how we could have done things differently. This knowledge will be valuable when we face hard days in the future. With a little perspective, we may even find the inner resources to change our attitude about what's happening. We may begin to see that what we saw as hardships are actually opportunities. As our attitude changes for the better, our actions and the circumstances will follow suit. No one is immune to having a hard day and these are usually the times we can learn the most. If we can find it in our hearts to examine the day, and maybe make one small change in perception, we can ease our pain and greet the next day that much wiser.

Forever!

man, it feels like i haven't been here in forever!! things have just been busy lately... i'm not complaining though... just ready for a little "down" time... my mood & attitude have been up and down lately... this morning i was down but with the help of momma i managed to pull myself up out of the funk... yeah!! i've really been trying though!! i think i'm doing good! and that's all that matters!! i got this email this morning... i'm sure most of you have seen it but it pertains to me and where i'm at in my life and where i'm trying to be.... more asap!!


MAYBE...

Maybe...God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe...when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe...it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe...the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
Maybe...you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.
Maybe...there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.
Maybe...the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe...you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe...happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
Maybe...you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.
And the last maybe.....when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Maybe...you should try to live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
~~ Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

Karma

from dictionary.com......

karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny; fate

i can't say that i've ever really believed in karma up until a few months ago... then it started showing its face... it's really odd the way it works.... in a way though, it scares me... to be honest, it scares the s**t out of me... things have been happening to people that i was close to at one point in time... some of them really close too and had a relationship with (friend or otherwise)... others i just knew who they were... enough to know about them but not really "know them"... basically judging them based on what i heard as opposed to giving them a chance and really getting to know them... maybe things have been happening to me but i'm too close to the situation to see it... i imagine that's how a few of the people that i'm talking about are feeling... they haven't really put two and two together yet.... and maybe they won't... either way, it's ok by me... i have finally realized and understand that i need to just let it all go... karma is a bi**h man!! it is!! well, maybe i'm only seeing the "bad" karma.... i know that there is good karma out there and that is what i need to start working on... treat others the way you want to be treated... don't judge them without giving them a chance...
i went to this class last saturday and the instructor said, have you ever seen someone that looks like someone you know? of course, everyone has... then he says, the instant that you see that person you immediately make a judgement about them... whether you realize it or not... i started thinking, how true is this? i understand that "undoing" this way of thinking will be a challenge but at least i can work on it.... i need to find inner peace within me so that i can feel peace with the world... i need to let the anger and judgements go (especially the anger- i wonder, could part of this be so strong because of my bipolar?)... i am the only one who can actually decide what is and isn't going to affect me.... it's like i finally understand!! the "answer" that i've been looking for all these years (i mean, i've heard it many times but never understood what it meant)....
i'm done for now.. it was 5:20 AM when i started this... yes, AM, i've been up since about 4...) i'd like to send a big 'ol thank you to the kitties, especially mazzy- she was the ringleader this morning- to let me get up with you at 4... i was so looking forward to sleeping in today but that's ok... i'm about to start some laundry, do some yoga, and maybe take a nap!! i'll just play it by ear, but it will be a quiet and relaxing weekend!!

Update

Lately I guess you could say that I’ve been feeling stressed and overwhelmed… and tired… tired mentally, physically, and emotionally….
things have been a bit difficult lately... let me phrase that differently, i'm not dealing with "life" so well, my perspective & perception has been off/negative.... i'm not a big fan of reality and prefer to live in my own safe little world... i don't (or try not too) let the stuff that bothers me in... i feel like i am losing my mind... mazzy, the older kitty, jumped up in my lap monday morning for some kitty love when i was getting ready for work and i just started bawling... tuesday morning i was petting murphy on my way out the door, started bawling... last wednesday i read an article about a truck that overturned down here in texas and 4 penguins were killed, that was the "beginning of the end".... that's when the uncontrollable crying started... i have had a few "highs" but they have been few and far between.... i realize this probably sounds a lot worse than it is....
I went and saw my psychiatrist Tuesday afternoon and my boss let me take the rest of the day off… can’t say I blame him… it has to be hard for my family, friends, and co-workers to deal with me… walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing what will set me off… I have never asked my doctor before what he has me “labeled” as and Tuesday he said something about one of the meds helping with bipolar disorder… that’s kinda what I had figured since my mood swings are so bad… when I say bad I mean that one minute I can be perfectly fine and then someone will say something, I’ll read something, or something will happen and then I will be irate angry or crying, in a split second… I mean, it’s not all the time (except for lately)…. we changed up my meds and i go back in 2 weeks.... we'll see how things go between now and then....
one thing I guess I should mention is that I hate being labeled… that irritates me so much… probably because of past issues that I’ve had involving labeling… I’m working on that though… resolving old issues that need to be resolved and then letting go of them… also, am I going to have to take all these meds the rest of my life just so I can feel “normal” or keep my emotions under control? I hate the thought of that… right now, I am on 4 different meds just from my psychiatrist… that doesn’t mean that I just take 4 pills a day though… oh no! I take at least 7 daily and then 3 more “as needed”… he said that they all work together… I believe him but to me the thought of having to take these pills the rest of my life is a downer… he also said that if/when r and I start thinking about kids I need to let him know so he can get me off my meds because they can cause horrible birth defects… my next thought is me, no meds, and pregnant… pregnancy really messes with your hormones and emotions and seeing the way I am now, I can’t imagine what I would be like…. Poor r… i know that this will all take care of itself and work out just fine but when I have idle time my mind just starts to thinking… right now it’s thinking of the negative…
i guess i feel like i'm stuck in a rut right now... i know that things will get better but until then i just have to take it day by day... i'm just tired of the stresses of life… the day-to-day stresses... it will pass.. i just hope soon.... i know that i have so many good things going in my life but am really seeing the negative right now and not the positive... happiness has been eluding me lately... through no one's fault but my own…
on the positive side, i do have an hour massage scheduled for monday after work... and i did yoga Monday and Tuesday night... my mood seems to be getting better and i'm really trying to work on that... even though the negative has been wanting (and has been) "winning" lately i know that my perspective will get better....
sleep has been eluding me lately too.. i've been so tired lately but as soon as i lay down in bed i'm wide awake... on a good night i'll get 4 hours of not-so-good sleep... that needs to change too, i love to sleep.. and i used to be so good at it! like I said though, day by day… be in this moment and know that I have everything that I need….
peace, not pieces.....

p.s. this was in my mailbox this morning and it fits… I need to do this in everything… ah, one note though, the use of the word God in this does not mean the judging Father figure that most people think of… it can mean anything, whatever God is to you…

AS I PREPARE TO MOVE INTO A POSITIVE FUTURE....... I RELEASE PAST NEGATIVITY

Dear God,

Thank You in advance for my positive future.

Knowing it is coming prevents me from clinging to anything negative from my past.

And it would be impossible for anyone to accuse me of not being prepared for a positive future, since the POWER and PRESENCE of Your UNIVERSAL MIND is with me always.

I am swiftly eliminating all of the 'old' & no longer welcome negative traits of my personality..... and further
strengthening my already strong & getting stronger traits, thanks to Your Higher God-Mind, Eternally within me.

Thank You for the way I am already moving into a positive future. I appreciate my strengthening trait of eternal optimism very much.

I am a genuine GOD-DIRECTED PERFECT PRESENCE of positive emotions & beliefs... which means
when I am positive, I can't be feeling negative. That's just like why I can't stand up and sit down at the same time.

Thank You Mother/Father God for this POWERFUL understanding.

And so it is.....

Amen

Nuts

I’m not exactly sure what happened earlier…. Well, I guess I kinda know… I was reading this article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14254314/?GT1=8404 (4 penguins perish in truck accident; octopus uninjured)
and all hell breaks loose, well, for me anyways… you would have thought that the story was regarding someone that I personally knew… I lost it… I started crying and could not stop… honestly, I cried for the better part of 2 hours… I cried and cried and cried… I had somewhat gotten myself under control, or so I thought… I was obviously wrong though… my boss was just trying to ask me a question about a note that I had put on his desk and I couldn’t even answer his question without breaking down… so the next thing I know I’m standing in his office with my poor little sad excuse of what was left of my Kleenex in my hand bawling…
I was feeling really down earlier today… not stressing about the restaurant but just stressing and trying to have a pity party for myself, ok, I was having one… I guess you could say that lately I’ve been having these reoccurring feelings that I have been labeling stupid… whether they’re really stupid or not, they obviously upset me… “high school” thoughts as I have been labeling them… why am I worried about what everyone else thinks…. Why should I still wonder if I’m “being left out”…. Why can’t I make everyone happy? I keep trying to tell myself that none of that should matter…. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself but, well, I don’t think that’s working so well… I guess my question is, does everyone feel this way or is it just me? When I contemplate making a decision not only do I think about what I want or what I think but I also think about what others think or what they would want… when most of the time it’s regarding non-issues or something minor… why do I feel the need to try to make everyone else happy? and what is my major malfunction? I mean, really… there was obviously some stress or issues that I had been repressing but dang… now I feel like a complete moron for getting so upset… for letting myself get upset… I would run to the bathroom and bawl my eyes out, try to get myself under control (by berating and beating myself up), go back up to my desk, then run back to the bathroom…. Same story over and over… for 2 hours… man alive!! Then when I was in the bathroom trying to calm myself down I would get so mad at myself for getting so upset… instead of just letting myself get it out I was trying to control it because I hate crying… by myself or in front of people, even r… to me it is so embarrassing… so me beating myself up for getting upset just made it worse but I kept on doing it… for some reason, thinking it would make me stop?!?! I mean, honestly, where is my logic? I’m really upset and just getting it all out (why does it always have to happen at work though? why can’t it happen at home?!?!) and then getting mad at myself for getting upset…. I really don’t understand it… I did manage to calm myself down though (no pills needed, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t have any but probably would have taken a xanax if I would have had one with me) and now I’m ok… in fact, I feel better than I did before I got upset…
One thing that could possibly be bothering me is that I have to go to the doctor next Tuesday to see my psychiatrist… I thought I was going to miss my appointment because I was summoned for jury duty… I called them though and they “re-scheduled” me for October… I feel better now that I can go see the doctor because I’ve been waiting to see him for about 3 months… he used to work 5 days a week and then on Fridays he would start seeing patients at like 7:30am… now he works Monday and Tuesday… so, I’ve been waiting… not a biggie… but I always get anxious when it’s time for me to go see him… this oughta be fun though because I normally go to see him before work and when I go see him he upsets me… not on purpose, just because he asks me things that upset me… that’s kinda his job though… so next Tuesday should be fun up here… and on top of that, I was getting so mad today at my co-worker… fuming mad… like I could just rip his head off but now I realize I was probably just trying to subconsciously protect myself and my emotions so that I wouldn’t get upset… I feel really bad for my co-worker and my boss though… they probably feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me… never knowing when I’m going to explode or freak out… my psychiatrist once told me that he thought I might be bipolar considering the mood swings I have… I must say, I agree with him… I hate to say that because I hate being “labeled” in any sense….
The past week or so all I’ve been wanting to do is just blog… read blogs, blog, live online I guess… that way I don’t have to deal with reality… ok, since I’ve been so honest this far I’ll just keep it going… I hate reality… maybe not hate but I prefer my safe little world that I live in… if something upsets me I pretty much just avoid anything that has to do with that subject from then on… (animal cruelty is a big one for me…).. if something comes on the news, I change the channel… if it’s in the paper I skip over it… r knows this and he just “plays along”…. he tells me that I can’t continue to live my life like this forever.. my response, I’ve been this way for 28 years and I’ve made it this far being that way… I’m starting to think that maybe I just don’t like to show emotion… why? Does that make me feel like a weak person? Do I associate showing emotion with weakness? And why am I just realizing this and why my “hang up” with weakness now?!?! Where did that come from? If that’s even really what it is… to be honest, I’m not sure… maybe I should take this blog with me next Tuesday though…. I might be “committed” if I do…. Well, it’s been an emotionally trying day and I am tired… I was tired when I got up this morning but now am even more tired… all of this “showing of emotion” has just worn me out… plus I’ve got a headache from crying… no worries though, I am ok… I really am!!

Hot Mess!!

the original title of my blog today was going to be perception & perspective but after talking with one of my friends, who you will hear more about real soon!, i decided to title this "in honor" of her!! ever since i received an email yesterday afternoon from kb i have been thinking about what i was going to blog the next time i got a chance... my thoughts have been all over the board since then too!! talk about an emotional rollercoaster! yesterday i was so excited when i read her email... it was like she knew exactly what i needed to hear! then, today rolled around... r's phone rang at 5am this morning.... i figured it wasn't good news, good news usually doesn't arrive at 5am.... at least not in my neck of the woods.... so i figured something was going on and soon found out that our waitress that had picked up a shift couldn't come in at 6am.... i was awake and there was no going back to sleep... none for r either... he got the waitress situation taken care of and then headed off to work... i got up and decided to exercise! i was going to walk and then remembered my dvd had been loaned out to be burned... so i decided to try out my mcdonald's yoga dvd instead.... it wasn't so great but that's ok.... i got 15 minutes worth of yoga and 45 minutes worth of quality time with the kitties in before i had to start getting ready for work.... as tired as i was/am it wasn't too bad getting up so early this morning... i enjoyed things in their "simplistic" state this morning.... the peace and quiet... calm kitties... there was no hecticness, except for my self-induced stress.... which really wasn't that bad... at least looking back it wasn't... that one saying, you have everything you need in this moment... somehow, kb knew that i was still stressing.... she calls me at work and to be honest, tells me once again, what i need to hear! only today though, it was like a lightbulb went on in my head... i realized that me stressing over what r is only "venting" to me about is not a good thing... and not how things should be... all i need to stress over and not really stress, just worry about, are my responsibilities... there is no reason for me to stress r and his "day at work".... we are open and are a fully functioning restaurant... he has the capabilities to make any decision that needs to be made! and i know he'll make the right one! or the correct one- the one that needs to be made... you know what i'm trying to say.. i have nothing but faith in him... i was feeling guilty because i was looking at it like, if he's stressing then i should be stressing because it's our restaurant.... that mentality was not doing anyone any good!! and if he's stressing and i'm not then i'm not carrying my weight.... so i had the whole wrong perspective on things.... but i must say, i'm so glad too!! it did take 2 days for kb to finally make me understand what she was saying but i did!! i feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted off me... to be honest, like a lot of weight has been lifted off me... girl, thank you!! i can only hope that one day i can help you out like you helped me out the past 2 days!! you made me see what i have been needing to see!! you are one hot mess!!! in all seriousness though, to kb, thank you... i am really looking forward to seeing you guys this weekend.... no "menu" stress!! (you saved me on that one too!!)
on a different note, saturday i am going to this consciousness class with a friend of mine... i am really looking forward to this class...here is the class description:
Consciousness
-Learn how consciousness works. No froufrou cryptic information to decipher. This is a straight-forward class that includes information you won’t find in any books.
-Learn why affirmations don’t work or take years to work.
-Learn how to work with your own consciousness to create the things in life you desire.
-Get an introduction to the Emotional Freedom Technique and how to use it to help change your consciousness which, in turn, changes your life.
i guess you could say i believe in God but that is really a gray area to me... not the God part but the whole judgemental father figure i guess is more the part that i'm not sure about.... i have been doing a ton of reading over the past year and a half or so... plus, learning to meditate... and have really discovered a whole new side of things.... i'm not sure if you could say i've always just trusted what i've been told or what... i never knew anything about this side of stuff before... i've learned so much "common sense" or "street knowledge" if you will since i've been with r... before him i guess it was all book/school knowledge... i think i missed out on quite a bit of stuff... anyways, i'm learning to be happy (as crazy as that sounds!) and i'm learning to just live life and take it day by day... i'm learning about me and how to keep me more "under control"... not fly off the handle at the drop of a hat... be more positive (i think i'm doing really good with that!!).... i'm really working on becoming a "better" person... not in sense of the word.... i'm going to head out to the restaurant now to see how things are going.... i will blog more asap!!! i promise!!!

Changing

i'm working on changing things up on here just a little bit... i was getting tired of the same 'ol thing... i'll update asap!!

PMS

it's monday... for some reason this morning when i woke up i woke up sad... i think the majority of it is pms and the rest of it is well, i don't know, my insecurities or something like that... i checked my emails before blogging today to see if there was anything in there that applied to me or would maybe offer any words of wisdom.... right now i am doing my best to not break down in tears... ok, that didn't work so well... i just finished crying in the bathroom.... i guess right now i just feel unappreciated and alone... i read an article yesterday, is stress contagious? basically the answer is yes... especially for women and those that are close to them... women are so much more emotional than men and want to take everyone else's stress to make the other person feel better... they'll do more, way over and above, what they would normally do to try to help the stressed person out... right now i'm trying to be the strong one in r and i's relationship because i know that he is really stressed... because of this i feel like i can't vent to him or tell him how i'm feeling... i just have to keep everything inside and to myself... which is ok, i think it's something that i can get used too.... i'm trying to do more around the house so that he doesn't have to worry about doing anything before or after work... on average, he's been working about 14 hours a day since last monday, with the exception of yesterday... i guess all i would like is a "thank you" or some sort of acknowledgement for trying to do more... wednesday night i cleaned the house, took out the trash, and vacuumed... normally taking out the trash and vacuuming are not "my" jobs but i was trying so hard to be nice... thursday after work i went and got my hair done... i know he's been stressed and has had a lot on his mind but he didn't say anything about any of it until he asked me saturday if i had gotten my hair done... then he said, it looks good... i know, i'm probably being selfish but this past week i have learned that the only real person that you can always depend on is yourself... you are the only one that is going to be there for yourself 100% of the time... and i keep reading that you have everything that you need in this moment... i am working really hard on taking this to mean that no matter what situation arises in your life, in this moment, you have everything that you need to handle it... much easier said than done though.... i'm not trying to complain, only to vent and get out what i feel that i've been keeping inside for the past week or so... r calls me, thru the day, and i'm really not complaining, and tells me what's going on and how things are going... it seems that he only calls when things are not good or he is stressing or something has happened... i only wish that there was something that i could do to help him out... there isn't, not while i'm at work anyways... and to be perfectly honest, him calling me while he's stressing just makes me stress more... knowing that there is nothing that i can do at this point in time.... then i sit here all day long and stress about what's going on up there....
on a totally different note, i think the kitties were sad to see monday morning get here... i think they enjoyed having r and i around so much this weekend... poor kitties, it seemed like once they realized that we were getting ready to leave for work their happy attitude disappeared.... i've been trying to spend more time with them because we have both been gone a lot lately.... (maybe i'm totally wrong and just hope they're sad!).... anyways, they weren't the only ones sad to see monday here so soon...
oh yeah, i got summoned for jury duty this next monday... i've never been before and really don't want to go... especially seeing as how i have a dr. appt. tuesday afternoon at 1:45 that i've had scheduled for almost 3 months.... plus, missing work is going to put me behind... that's not so much of a big deal as my dr.'s appt. is... since it's my psychiatrist i really think i need to go too... considering everything that's been going on lately.... i'm not sure what to do about jury duty though... it scares me to no end!! and i am stressing about it instead of just letting everything work itself out...
i know that things will get better and my stress level will decrease, i can only hope that all of this happens soon!! i feel like one big ball of stress right now.... which i probably am... and most of the feelings that i'm having are just pms and stress related.... i know i'm not alone and there is no reason for me to feel like i am, i think it's just the way i'm taking everything right now... personally but not as personally as i was friday.... i'm working on becoming a stronger person that won't run all my friends and family off by griping and complaining so much.... there is a lot in my life that i have to be happy about, i just need to be thankful for everything that is positive and good!!

Update

ok, so yesterday afternoon i was stressing hard... i haven't really "freaked out" since the restaurant opened.. i think that might have been it... i realize that... i realized that last night but just never got a chance to blog about it... the stress started when i talked to r and he told me about our night cook... i should say, former night cook... anyways, that's not important now... my stress (and anger) kept growing as my boss and co-worker kept giving me stuff to do (that my co-worker could have done, if he would have wanted too) and my boss wasn't working on my billing.... hindsight is 20/20 and it's no big deal now... i was out of work by maybe 5 after 5... no biggie... and i really don't think that the work stress would have been that big of a deal if our cook had shown up... i called r back about 4 to see how he was doing because i was stressing about it... my mind was racing as to who i could call to come in and help him... he ended up really hurting my feelings, once again, my state of mind played a big part in that... he ended up hiring a dishwasher last night who had come in to eat... (he put an application in the night before when he came in to eat...) we ended the night by hitting the number r has been dying to hit since we opened... i must say, all in all it was a really good week.. yes, it was stressful but that's going to happen anytime you open a business (in my opinion anyways)... running (and being successful) at your own business is hard... i keep reading for restaurants it's harder... i'm ready for the challenge and so is he... i think, for me, only "freaking out" once this week was pretty good... i did feel like i had been having a major panic attack for about oh, the past week... that's ok though... the panic attack feeling is still there but it's lessening day by day... at 2:00 today our first week will "officially" be over with... r can come home and enjoy a day and a half off before he has to go back... i really am proud of him though... he's working his butt off and kicking ass at the same time!! he's put in a lot of hours this week and i know he's tired... so far, overall, this last week was good!! i'm proud of him and us! i think we're doing a really good job!! it will only get better!! until later...

bull-poo

Everything happens for a reason right?!?!? Sometimes it may just take us a little bit to realize what exactly the reason is…. Wednesday night, day 3, one of our employees got arrested up at the restaurant… not a good situation but, what can you do? A few minutes ago, r called me to tell me that our night cook quit… he didn’t show up, didn’t call, nothing… just quit on us… I guess I never really fully understood what kind of impact it actually has on a person/business when you just quit… no notice or anything… now I know… I just feel so bad for r… he has been busting his butt up there and it just seems like everything is falling apart… I know, the first week isn’t even over yet either… it’s kinda discouraging though… I can’t vent to him because he is so stressed right now… I feel so helpless right now too… it breaks my heart that I can’t even help him out right now…
This freaking sucks!!! I am so pissed right now… the paragraph above was what I wrote earlier… I am hating people and hating life… I must say that up until I got the call from r earlier things were going really well… um, not so much anymore, thank you… am I ok, no, not really… thanks for asking…. My co-worker is sitting in there doing nothing and I’m in here busting my ass… because he’s lazy!! My boss is walking around lost instead of working on my billing… which I have to get done today… that’s the “rule”… we put the invoice date for Monday, i.e. the 31st, but don’t bill out until the very last minute on Friday… um, just because you’re behind all week long, don’t put me behind too… it’s not my fault that you over-load your plate and then expect me to stay late to make up for it… uh no, I’ve been sitting here all day long… waiting on my billing… which I’m not “smart enough” to do… so now what am I doing you might wonder? Oh, just sitting here, waiting on my billing… nice, lovely… I feel like no one is even taking me into consideration right now… well, screw you!!
Yes, I am taking everything personally right now… I know I’m not supposed too but… to hell with it!

Whew!!

Whew!! So, r and I have survived day 2 of the cedar tree…. I must say, for r, day 1 was hectic… a madhouse as he described it… for me, just stressful, I was dying to know what was going on but didn’t want to call and bother him… I figured it was hectic enough! Day 2 though, not near as bad as yesterday!! And yesterday wasn’t even bad!! We are doing really good… I had guesstimated our monthly bills and what we needed to average a day…. Well, between both days we’ve hit the average! Yes, we’ve only been open 2 days but at the same time, we’ve only been open 2 days!! we haven’t advertised yet, the first ad will be in the leader on Thursday! So, all of our business has been word of mouth and we’ve hit our average! I wasn’t for sure if we would…. Especially opening the way we did… but, I’m so glad that things worked out the way they did…. Yes, hindsight is 20/20… and like I’ve said, everything happens for a reason…. It’s all good though!! Work has been super busy the past couple of days but that’s good… it makes the day go by faster and keeps my mind off what’s going on at the restaurant…. I just wanted to check in…. let you know how things are going…. More later!!