Wednesday, August 09, 2006


I’m not exactly sure what happened earlier…. Well, I guess I kinda know… I was reading this article: (4 penguins perish in truck accident; octopus uninjured)
and all hell breaks loose, well, for me anyways… you would have thought that the story was regarding someone that I personally knew… I lost it… I started crying and could not stop… honestly, I cried for the better part of 2 hours… I cried and cried and cried… I had somewhat gotten myself under control, or so I thought… I was obviously wrong though… my boss was just trying to ask me a question about a note that I had put on his desk and I couldn’t even answer his question without breaking down… so the next thing I know I’m standing in his office with my poor little sad excuse of what was left of my Kleenex in my hand bawling…
I was feeling really down earlier today… not stressing about the restaurant but just stressing and trying to have a pity party for myself, ok, I was having one… I guess you could say that lately I’ve been having these reoccurring feelings that I have been labeling stupid… whether they’re really stupid or not, they obviously upset me… “high school” thoughts as I have been labeling them… why am I worried about what everyone else thinks…. Why should I still wonder if I’m “being left out”…. Why can’t I make everyone happy? I keep trying to tell myself that none of that should matter…. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself but, well, I don’t think that’s working so well… I guess my question is, does everyone feel this way or is it just me? When I contemplate making a decision not only do I think about what I want or what I think but I also think about what others think or what they would want… when most of the time it’s regarding non-issues or something minor… why do I feel the need to try to make everyone else happy? and what is my major malfunction? I mean, really… there was obviously some stress or issues that I had been repressing but dang… now I feel like a complete moron for getting so upset… for letting myself get upset… I would run to the bathroom and bawl my eyes out, try to get myself under control (by berating and beating myself up), go back up to my desk, then run back to the bathroom…. Same story over and over… for 2 hours… man alive!! Then when I was in the bathroom trying to calm myself down I would get so mad at myself for getting so upset… instead of just letting myself get it out I was trying to control it because I hate crying… by myself or in front of people, even r… to me it is so embarrassing… so me beating myself up for getting upset just made it worse but I kept on doing it… for some reason, thinking it would make me stop?!?! I mean, honestly, where is my logic? I’m really upset and just getting it all out (why does it always have to happen at work though? why can’t it happen at home?!?!) and then getting mad at myself for getting upset…. I really don’t understand it… I did manage to calm myself down though (no pills needed, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t have any but probably would have taken a xanax if I would have had one with me) and now I’m ok… in fact, I feel better than I did before I got upset…
One thing that could possibly be bothering me is that I have to go to the doctor next Tuesday to see my psychiatrist… I thought I was going to miss my appointment because I was summoned for jury duty… I called them though and they “re-scheduled” me for October… I feel better now that I can go see the doctor because I’ve been waiting to see him for about 3 months… he used to work 5 days a week and then on Fridays he would start seeing patients at like 7:30am… now he works Monday and Tuesday… so, I’ve been waiting… not a biggie… but I always get anxious when it’s time for me to go see him… this oughta be fun though because I normally go to see him before work and when I go see him he upsets me… not on purpose, just because he asks me things that upset me… that’s kinda his job though… so next Tuesday should be fun up here… and on top of that, I was getting so mad today at my co-worker… fuming mad… like I could just rip his head off but now I realize I was probably just trying to subconsciously protect myself and my emotions so that I wouldn’t get upset… I feel really bad for my co-worker and my boss though… they probably feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me… never knowing when I’m going to explode or freak out… my psychiatrist once told me that he thought I might be bipolar considering the mood swings I have… I must say, I agree with him… I hate to say that because I hate being “labeled” in any sense….
The past week or so all I’ve been wanting to do is just blog… read blogs, blog, live online I guess… that way I don’t have to deal with reality… ok, since I’ve been so honest this far I’ll just keep it going… I hate reality… maybe not hate but I prefer my safe little world that I live in… if something upsets me I pretty much just avoid anything that has to do with that subject from then on… (animal cruelty is a big one for me…).. if something comes on the news, I change the channel… if it’s in the paper I skip over it… r knows this and he just “plays along”…. he tells me that I can’t continue to live my life like this forever.. my response, I’ve been this way for 28 years and I’ve made it this far being that way… I’m starting to think that maybe I just don’t like to show emotion… why? Does that make me feel like a weak person? Do I associate showing emotion with weakness? And why am I just realizing this and why my “hang up” with weakness now?!?! Where did that come from? If that’s even really what it is… to be honest, I’m not sure… maybe I should take this blog with me next Tuesday though…. I might be “committed” if I do…. Well, it’s been an emotionally trying day and I am tired… I was tired when I got up this morning but now am even more tired… all of this “showing of emotion” has just worn me out… plus I’ve got a headache from crying… no worries though, I am ok… I really am!!

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