Saturday, August 19, 2006



karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny; fate

i can't say that i've ever really believed in karma up until a few months ago... then it started showing its face... it's really odd the way it works.... in a way though, it scares me... to be honest, it scares the s**t out of me... things have been happening to people that i was close to at one point in time... some of them really close too and had a relationship with (friend or otherwise)... others i just knew who they were... enough to know about them but not really "know them"... basically judging them based on what i heard as opposed to giving them a chance and really getting to know them... maybe things have been happening to me but i'm too close to the situation to see it... i imagine that's how a few of the people that i'm talking about are feeling... they haven't really put two and two together yet.... and maybe they won't... either way, it's ok by me... i have finally realized and understand that i need to just let it all go... karma is a bi**h man!! it is!! well, maybe i'm only seeing the "bad" karma.... i know that there is good karma out there and that is what i need to start working on... treat others the way you want to be treated... don't judge them without giving them a chance...
i went to this class last saturday and the instructor said, have you ever seen someone that looks like someone you know? of course, everyone has... then he says, the instant that you see that person you immediately make a judgement about them... whether you realize it or not... i started thinking, how true is this? i understand that "undoing" this way of thinking will be a challenge but at least i can work on it.... i need to find inner peace within me so that i can feel peace with the world... i need to let the anger and judgements go (especially the anger- i wonder, could part of this be so strong because of my bipolar?)... i am the only one who can actually decide what is and isn't going to affect me.... it's like i finally understand!! the "answer" that i've been looking for all these years (i mean, i've heard it many times but never understood what it meant)....
i'm done for now.. it was 5:20 AM when i started this... yes, AM, i've been up since about 4...) i'd like to send a big 'ol thank you to the kitties, especially mazzy- she was the ringleader this morning- to let me get up with you at 4... i was so looking forward to sleeping in today but that's ok... i'm about to start some laundry, do some yoga, and maybe take a nap!! i'll just play it by ear, but it will be a quiet and relaxing weekend!!

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