Finally!!

i can't believe it's been over a week since i was able to blog last!!! i haven't even blogged since the daytona 500!! i tried my hardest to keep my good attitude last week and it worked- somewhat...
friday night i went and got a massage... woah, mary is a miracle worker!! i can't wait to see her again... she made me feel so much better... worked on and worked out the knots in my back, neck, and shoulders.... she also worked on my lower back and my glutes (ok, fine, my butt) because my back has been hurting so bad.... i felt like a million bucks when i left there!! saturday i worked til a little after 5 over at km's office... got home and started on payroll and then inventory... we watched school for scoundrels (spelling?!?!)- it was hilarious!!! finally sunday rolled around and i got to watch some racing!!! carl did good... much better than last year anyways! there were several chances towards the end when i thought he had an excellent chance of winning... a few cautions and a huge wreck on turn 4 of the last lap and he finished 22nd... that's ok though, other good drivers finished worse than he did... but it was a dang good race!!! a really good race!!
i've been covered up at work... it's really nice when you're working your butt off and your co-worker is not doing anything.... i think that's what really irritates me most.... he has pretty much decided to be even more worthless than he was and now does absolutely nothing... only the bare minimum when the boss is here.... i haven't even been able to talk to rrll until today... i went off on him on friday.... he pissed me off so i let him know it.... i wasn't rude, well, no more rude than he is to others.... (some of the things he says to people i'm just like, i can't believe you actually said that!!)....
besides being busy at work i've been busy at home too... i haven't had time to work on my restaurant stuff at work so i've been working on it at home, as well as the normal everyday things that i have to do.... my to-do list for home is getting shorter though!!!
i am starting to car shop.... i talked to momma and daddy to see if they would be interested in selling the accord but i haven't heard anything... i don't want them to sell the accord if they don't want too.... i'm just ready to get settled into something and to know that it's mine.... i just don't want to spend our down payment on paying off some debt and then not have a down payment or trade-in....
my attitude and temper have been a challenge lately... i know why... well, most of the reasons... my pain pills and then my pain... as i've said before my pain pills really affect my attitude... i get really short and impatient... with everyone... and everything pisses me off... poor r will have just gotten out of bed in the morning and i'm already chewing him out for something... it's not fair to him or to anyone else who has to deal with me... i don't know what to do though.... my back pain is getting worse and my knee and head/neck are really bothering me too.... i am always in pain... and it sucks!! but, hopefully march 8th will get here fast!!! then i can go see the dr...
besides working and trying to keep my temper and attitude in check lately there hasn't been much going on... just staying busy... i can't believe february is almost over!! that is so crazy!! i'm just trying to get caught up and then stay caught up....

Terrific Tuesday

monday turned out to be not so bad after all.... i did get over being upset with the lady i talked too at the dr.'s office yesterday.... momma and i went out to eat at the restaurant last night after work.... with the exception of scheduling my dr.'s appt, monday was pretty uneventful....
even though things haven't been "ideal" lately i'm learning (and finally understand how to) just make the best of all situtations... (i know my blog yesterday probably didn't demonstrate that too well but we all have challenges).... right now i feel like things are going good... r and i are just kinda rocking along taking things as they come... he's working tomorrow night so we won't do anything for valentine's day but that's ok.... i think i said this (or something like this) last year, it shouldn't take a "holiday" for you to show someone that you care.... that is something that you should do everyday... r and i may try to do something saturday night but i'm not sure if we will or not... we might just make watching the daytona 500 with km and her husband our valentine's day.... the reason i'm not sure if we'll be able to do anything saturday night is because sometime between when r gets off work saturday and sunday evening i have to do payroll (and laundry)... i like to try to get the inventory and weekly expense/income report done too because i haven't had time to do it at work like i was hoping i would have... so that will probably take me most of saturday afternoon/evening and then sunday we'll be with km and her husband watching the daytona 500!! (i need to figure out what i'm taking for dessert!) it'll all work out though and whatever we end up doing will be great!! i'm going to really work on keeping the positive attitude for the rest of the day (and week)!!!

From Blogging to Ranting

the weekend was really good, although too short, like always! saturday i worked at km's office and then that night, r and i went out to km's house... km and her husband were there... so was km's sister and her husband... we watched the bud shootout... carl didn't get to race but that's ok! he'll get to race on sunday at the daytona 500!!! and as long as we don't finish last we'll have started the season off better than last year!! sunday i worked on restaurant stuff... payroll and inventory... did laundry.... then last night r and i watched hollywoodland... it was a really good movie!! this morning i woke up in a good mood... not dreading monday or work... actually looking forward to getting the week started! everything was going great until i called my back dr. to see if i could come in today or tomorrow because of the pain... the lady who answered the phone was a complete bitch!! she made me so mad... so now i'm blogging to get the anger out and let it go... i'm going to call back and ask to talk to a nurse in a little bit, i just can't right now... i am so mad!
in my personal opinion, you would think that working at a dr.'s office would maybe make the receptionist a bit more friendly since most people who call aren't going to be feeling well.... she kept cutting me off everytime i tried to say anything! like i was bothering her by calling and trying to make an appt.... she was absolutely no help and didn't even seem to care if she could help me or not.... she acted like my pain was no big deal and it was actually an inconvenience for her.... um, hello?!?! i'm the one with the herniated disc with shooting pains that start in my back and run down both legs!!! she really royally pissed me off...
i want to explain my pain.... it is unimaginable... i had no idea that someone could physically be in this much pain... don't get me wrong, it's been worse before, i'm trying to prevent it from getting that bad again! first, i am out of pain pills... i have been (and can't get them filled until wednesday).... the pain had been creeping back since the end of last year but was kinda off and on again... when i talk about my back pain this is what i feel: it starts right above (sorry- i don't know any other way to say this) my butt crack and runs/shoots down both legs... the pain runs/shoots down the back of both of my legs and on my left side down into my foot... the right side only goes down about mid-calf... it's a shooting/burning sensation; the closest i can seem to really describe it would be feeling like your sciatic nerve is on fire, like a line of fire replaced your sciatic nerve... it freaking hurts like hell!!! i can pinpoint exactly where "in" my back the pain starts and can trace it down my legs... my neck and head also hurt.... i had head/neck problems before my wreck, but since, the pain has become worse... new pains since the wreck- my right knee and foot.... i have no idea what is going on with these... all i know is that they hurt and they didn't before the wreck...
stupid freaking lady that answered the phone, she scheduled me an appt for march 8th!!! (and had to make the smart ass remark, i'll put you on the cancellation list but there are already like 10 people in front of you so don't hold your breath)... you stupid stupid ignorant woman... if you have never had chronic pain before well, i wouldn't wish what i feel on my worst enemy, but i hope that someone diminishes her and her pain (or whatever she is feeling) like she has mine and makes her feel like complete shit because that's exactly what she did to me... normally when i call my back dr., everyone is super nice, kinda like when i call my psychiatrist... she's not just having a bad day either... that's how her attitude is... i've seen it when i've been in the office... ok, deep breaths.... i'll call the nurse and see if they can fill my meds 2 days early.... the meds help with the pain but don't take it away, they just make the pain more bearable... to be honest, the only thing that really seems to help my back are the cortizone shots... sorry for the rant, she really made me mad and hurt my feelings... now i'm going to work on moving past that.... just letting it go....
other than that, monday has been good so far... it's 50 outside and rainy.... the high today is supposed to be in the 60's (this weekend it was in the low 40's) and then on wednesday we have a chance of snow... lovely.... that's ok though, on the positive side, i get to go see mary for an hour on friday night!!! YEAH!!! mary always helps to make me feel better!!! i think i'm only going to have her do my neck, back, and shoulders.... work out my stress knots... think positive, today is almost half over!!

p.s... my brother got married on saturday morning (still waiting for pics)- it was a really small wedding, there were 5 people there- the lady who married them, scott (brother), kristen (now my sister-in-law), and their two witnesses... they were supposed to leave florida today to start driving to texas... they got an apartment in dallas! that is good news!! dallas is so much closer than florida!!!

Catch Up

i am still playing catch up... at work and at home... both to-do lists still have stuff on them that has been on there since before christmas... oh well, it's obviously nothing that is time sensitive... whew... i'll just be glad when i get all caught up and then can stay caught up... i'll get there though!!! i'm off to catch up on my daily reads.... then to actually work.... :)

(saturday night is the bud shoot out!!! YEAH!!! even though carl won't be racing this race, i am so excited i can hardly stand it!!! that just means that daytona is one weekend closer!!! racing season is back!!!)

Ready for the Weekend

ah, i am so ready for the weekend, already!! i am already tired of everything this week and it's only monday.... everyone and everything, especially my co-worker and my boss, are getting on my nerves....
the insurance adjustor called today and told me that they are going to total my car.... this is both good and bad... good because i don't have to worry about them fixing it back the way it was and bad because i'm going to miss patrick... i love arnold and i love driving him, there's just a few small things that i miss about patrick.... the door handles, sunroof/moonroof, and the "info center" (by the gauges that showed the temperature and fuel info).... i know these are little things but that's what i miss... i'm not sure what r and i are going to do about my car situation yet.... we have (had?) gap insurance on patrick... i need to call the insurance company and see exactly what it is, i know there was a really good reason we bought it, there had to be right?! (hehe).... that will probably give us a good idea of what direction we're going to go in...
it's ironic how just last weekend i was blogging about how good things were... things really aren't that bad right now.... i'm just feeling overwhelmed and a bit stressed.... i went to see mary for an hour and a half friday night.... she did a good job working the soreness and knots out... i was hoping it would be a deep tissue massage but she didn't want to do that because of the wreck... she didn't want to hurt my muscles anymore than they already were... i'm not mad at her, i was just really looking forward to a good hard hour and a half massage... like a hurts so good hurt... i feel horrible blogging about this because she called me at work today to see how i was doing.... she wanted to check on me... that sounds horrible and i really don't mean it that way.... i'm just venting.... see, there is positive but i am trying to see the negative.... why is it that i always want to see the negative?!?! ok, that realization ended my venting...
i do need to go to see my back dr. though... ah, the pain.... is bad.... shooting and burning pains down my legs to my feet... that is also a factor in the moodiness.... the pain had started before my wreck but now it's worse... that's ok though... we have "fixed" it before....
on the positive side, saturday, i think it's saturday, is the bud pole shootout (nascar is back!!) it's not the first "official" race but it's a race!!! YEAH!!!! next saturday is the daytona 500!!! ok, now i am excited!!!!

So True

"The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back."

Before and After

2007 has been a crazy year for us in texas, weather-wise anyways... i don't remember ever having a chance (or seeing) as much snow, ice, and sleet as we've seen this year (and even this "season")... wednesday morning when i went out to start r's truck and my car it was snowing... it wasn't like a blizzard or anything, it was just snowing... you could see that the sidewalks were damp from where it had been percipitating sometime recently.... on the way to work i hit a slick spot on an overpass and lost control of my car.... losing control on the overpass and not knowing what was going to happen was the scariest thing!! i will never take concrete barriers or guardrails for granted!! i'm not real sure what happened.... i know that two concrete barriers and a guardrail was involved.... here are before and after pictures of patrick.... volkswagon does make one hell of a safe car!! i was going about 50 when i first hit....

luckily though, momma and daddy have an extra car that they let me borrow.... when momma got her pilot they decided to keep arnold (her accord).... ever since she got arnold, 94 or 95, i have loved him, he is awesome!! so now i get to cruise around in arnold until we find out what's going on with my car.... i am so lucky to have momma and daddy- they are the best parents!!

Good Days

the past few days have been pretty good... saturday was really good...
friday was a good day... mom and i went out to the restaurant and ate catfish after i got off work... we went to a fabric store (i love fabric!).... i so want to start crafting but i have no idea what i want to do... i want something that is "portable".... something that i could take to work or where ever that i could work on.... then we went down to hastings to look to see if they had the february issue of nascar illustrated... i read last friday that it was out and friday night was the third different place that i had tried to get it- third time's a charm!! that was awesome!! and another bonus, i got to hang out with momma... i really like doing stuff with her... we always have a really good time... she's so much fun!!
saturday morning i was going to meet km up at her office (about 10:30) so that i could work on my w2s and 1099s and get them in the mail/paychecks on monday morning... the alarm went off at 8:30 and i was laying in bed getting ready to get up and i heard this crash.... i knew immediately what it was too.... i darted out of bed into the hall, put on my flip flop houseshoes, and went into the living room... i figured it had to take both kitties to push the bowl off the edge of the enertainment center... (they have everything in the world they could want but just couldn't leave my bamboo alone!!) oh yeah, both kitties were no where in sight but my bamboo plant that i had repotted and put on top of the enertainment center was in the floor (it was so heavy too!!).... the glass bowl had shattered and there were 6lbs of river rocks (3lbs of the larger ones and 3lbs of the small ones).... glass and rocks were everywhere!!! it took me over 2 hours to clean it all up!!! so, i had to vacuum... normally that is r's job... but i had to get up the little glass shards up plus, i had been walking around the house too and figured i had tracked some glass shards somewhere...
a while back, one of the kitties had gotten their collar caught in the carpet in the hall and had snagged it... when i was vacuuming i vacuumed right over that spot and the vacuum just started unravelling the carpet... oh yeah, i pulled up about a 14" length of carpet.... just unravelled it in a nice long line... ahhh!!! needless to say, the morning started out not so good but luckily that was the only bad part of the day! r was able to do a patch job on the carpet so that you can't really tell it was unravelled....
i got my w2s and w3 done... my 1099s are done as well as my 1096... i just need to mail some and put some with the payroll checks... (that i need to do today...)
km and i worked until about 3:15 and then r and i met up with km and her husband for some taco bueno at 6:30.... we always used to go out to dinner with them on saturday night... every saturday forever and then r and i kinda had to quit for a little bit, saving money... at first i really didn't want to go eat... i have so much that i have to get done... around the house (laundry!!) and for the restaurant... i always like to get everything done before sunday that way i don't have to do anything on sunday.... it's not really that big of a deal though... i need to get used to it because this is how things are going to be for the next few months... anyways, we go eat.... i am SO glad that we did.... omg, we had such a good time!!! we sat there and talked and laughed... and laughed and laughed... my abs hurt today from laughing so much!!! the next thing we know someone asks jokingly, "what time is it? 10:00?" i looked at my watch and i was like, you are not going to believe this, it's 9:40!! we had been there for over 3 hours!! we ended up leaving shortly after that but omg, it was so much fun!!! i miss them!!! r and i came home and watched some tv.... went to bed....
it's sunday now... i'm up... fixing to eat some pizza.... working on the laundry.... after i eat, i'll start on payroll checks and the w2s.... i figure, you know, i know i'll get everything done... there's no reason to stress it.... i just need to keep the good attitude!! things are going great!! hopefully they'll stay that way!!!

New Perspective

this morning i woke up in a good mood, i woke up late, but in a good mood... r and i talked last night and he just had a really bad day yesterday.... this morning i was thinking... you know, everything is going to work out, i don't know why i'm stressing myself out so much and so bad.... there is always a solution!! just don't worry about it...
i just added up all our credit card deposits that i hadn't added into the restaurant checking account yet (i do that as a little safety net) and i found out that we're not going to have to borrow any money!! YEAH!!! i am so excited!!! that also means that i should be able to pay r so maybe we won't have to use our savings money!!! that's what i'm thinking right now!! (and thoughts are the bricks that build your reality....) i feel so much better and so much less stressed.... way better!!!
i called r and told him that i didn't think we were going to have to borrow any money and that made him happy!! i'm going to print out copies of our breakfast menu, the to-go menu, and the regular menu so that this weekend (and if we need, this upcoming week) we can work on changing it up... we're adding and taking away some things... raising and lowering prices... we need to capitalize on everything we can.... i figured out it will only cost us about $10 to change the menus... all i have to buy is the paper at walmart and that is $5 a pack and it only takes two packs... i can copy the menus at work... and then we just have to "stuff" them...
i just had a challenging day yesterday, it's all good today... actually, i think it's better than yesterday!!

Scared

"When you're ready to crack, one more tug on your sleeve is all it takes."

at the beginning of the year i told myself that i was going to ask for help when i needed it... as well as acknowledging my emotions.... i am scared.... overwhelmed.... way out of my comfort zone... i woke up this morning in the best mood i've been in in a while.... i was cheerful and happy, even nice to my co-worker.... we were able to hold a short conversation without me being a total bitch.... i think i figured out a way to take my pain meds and not be a complete monster.... we'll see....
once again, money is really tight right now... i'm almost cleaning out our savings account to make my car payment this month.... that scares me.... it seems like just when things are going good at the restaurant they take a turn for the not-so-good.... december was a really good month... january hasn't been so good... i know though, it's right after christmas... it's to be expected.... except that we've borrowed from pretty much all the credit that we have available to borrow from and i'm sweating both the restaurant and our personal checking accounts... paying bills... is there going to be enough money in there when the checks come in? are we going to be able to pay our bills?
buying the restaurant was the one thing that i had no doubts about.... i knew (know) we can make it work and make it successful!! today i figured up our yearly profit/loss.... yeah, um, well, it was the first 5 months we were open and it wasn't a turn key operation so i guess this is to be expected?!?!? we lost over 10 grand in the first 5 months.... i have it broken down monthly and not every month shows a loss.... some months the loss was pretty substantial.... then.....
r called me today at work and really scared me... he said he wanted out, he didn't want to do it anymore and the tone of his voice was different than it normally is... when he said, do you know how depressing it is to go to work everyday and not make any money? you're working for free, and that just broke my heart.... he explained that during the day when he's there and we're slow he just starts to think about how we need to be busy and how we're not making any money.... honestly i can't imagine.... then he tells me that he called his old boss and was talking to him about getting his job back.... he would have to work at a different store, and he doesn't really want to work at that store, but he would pay him the same (and it's just right down the street!).... he goes on with several other things that i could never imagine/picture him saying, but does.... honestly, when we got off the phone i was a wreck....
i don't know what to do.... i'm trying to think of anything possible that i have to sell on ebay... i think i'm frustrated because i have changed my perspective over the past couple of days and now i feel like i took 1 step forward and 2 steps back....
i know that everything is going to be ok.... i know that everything is going to work out the way it's supposed too.... i just need to find the peace inside me so that i believe it.... i can tell myself that all day long, i just need to believe it....

on a different note, things have been crazy hectic lately at work.... we had a problem with our W2s at work, the company that we outsource our employees from had a slight accident with our last 2 check year-to-date totals and the numbers on our W2s..... we had several employees file their taxes with their last pay stub so now they have to go back and file an amended return.... it's a situation....
i haven't even gotten started on my W2s for the restaurant or the 1099s.... i'm meeting km up at her office on saturday so we can work.... i still need to fill out the reports for the taxes that are due by wednesday (and find the money to pay them with).....
the byk's (back yard kitties) that i've been feeding... i named one of them ewok... i think he/she is a runt.... she's tiny and she doesn't meow, she sounds like an ewok!! and she's so friendly.... she's always coming in on the screened in porch to look around when i'm feeding them... all of the others run off though they are getting better.... r opened up the front door the other night and ewok came running in!! he is so cute!!! and lovey!! he wants to be an inside kitty SO bad it's not even funny.... he's a really good kitty which r says is odd because he is an outside kitty... we're going to try to let him live on the back porch and see how he does... he's been in the house two or three nights this week.... different nights... not in all night long but in for a little bit... checking out the kitties and the house.... r's the one with the 2 cats max in the house rule but ewok is getting to him.... bad.... which brings me to this: i don't think mazzy will even begin to tolerate another kitty in the house.... murphy, he would get used to ewok and they would get along great... ewok was showing off for murph last night.... it was so cute!! but if ewok is going to be an inside kitty, ewok needs to go to the vet... and you know what the vet means.... more money!!
i just have to really know and trust that things will happen as they should.... that everything will work out the way that it is supposed too....

Uplift Your Life

momma had sent me this link a while back and it got lost in my inbox.... lately a lot of things have gotten lost in there.... anyways, i found this very appropriate considering what i just blogged....

Uplift Your Life:
Seven Strategies to Break Through Burnout, Boredom, and Blues
By Lauren E. Sullivan

www.InspiredLifeDesign.com

If you are suffering from burnout or feeling disappointment with how your life has turned out, take heart! These seven strategies will guide you step-by-step along an empowering path to renew your energy and zest for life.

1. Shore up your energy for change. When you are feeling defeated, resist the urge to push yourself into action to fix your life. Instead, slow down and recharge your batteries.
Acknowledge that your resources have been drained by the stress of a life chronically out of whack. Give yourself a nurturing gift by making a conscious choice to rejuvenate your body, mind and spirit. Embarking on a big change when you are depleted of energy and enthusiasm may get you somewhere, but probably not where you really want to go. Here are some things you can do to refuel your tank and renew your spirit:
• Start a personal journal for self-exploration
• Engage in nurturing activities for self-care
• Schedule time off just for you
• Practice saying “no” to create more personal time
• Find ways to play
• Engage in a pleasant hobby
• Exercise in ways that are fun for you
• Relax in a hammock
• Take walks in nature
• Work in the garden
• Join a meditation class
• Read an engaging book
• Do something creative or artistic

2. Resurrect the dreams you left behind. Spend some quality time alone with your thoughts and a journal. Write about your needs, your desires and your dreams. Take a trip down memory lane and remember the things that used to bring a smile to your face, the things you enjoyed when you were younger and life was simpler. What were your hopes for the future? What is your highest aspiration for your life now? If there were no obstacles, what would you be doing with your life? Here are some things to do and think about to help you get in touch with your deepest desires:
• Go on a mental treasure hunt to rediscover the things you love.
• Think about what you loved as a child and as a younger adult.
• What kinds of books are you drawn to and why?
• What do you like to do with your free time?
• Do you have a thirst for learning about a particular subject?
• In what ways do you expect yourself to be “practical”?
• How do you protect yourself from disappointment?
• What’s missing from your life?
• What do you long for?
• What legacy would you like to leave?
• If you found out you had only a few months to live, how would you spend your time?
• What do you value the most in life?
• Complete this sentence, “I feel joyful when_______.”
• If I could be, do or have anything I wanted, what would it be?

3. Conquer your inner critic and limiting beliefs. Beware of the ugly inner critic that wants to nip this “flight of fantasy” thing in the bud. Pay attention to the negative, critical messages that stop you from taking steps in a new direction. Become an observer of your inner dialog and decide who you want in charge of your life: your inner critic or your inner coach? Allow your inner coach to expand your belief in what is possible. Here are things you can do and questions you can ponder that will help you strengthen your belief that you can have what you want.
• Examine the ways you tell yourself, “I can’t”. Separate fact from fiction.
• Practice shifting your inner dialog to say, “I can” or “Oh, YES I can!”
• What other negative messages do you hear from your inner critic?
• How does your inner critic fill in the blank when you say the words, “I am______”?
• What would a kind and gentle inner coach say instead?
• Write down these positive messages as statements of affirmation, “I am _____” and repeat them often.
• Be compassionate with yourself. Let go of judgment about past choices.
• Commit to making new choices in support of your new desired outcomes.
• Practice forgiveness of yourself and others.
• Avoid “black and white” thinking. Look for shades of gray (find the middle ground).
• Be willing to ask for help and support more often.


4. Find joy in the journey. Short-circuit the “I’ll be happy when…” syndrome by choosing to consciously dwell in positive thought and feeling. Make a choice to spend more time noticing what is right with your life and what is right with you rather than feeding the cycle of negativity by magnifying what seems to be wrong or missing from your life. Positive feelings such as gratitude, appreciation, love, and compassion for yourself and others will energize you and propel you toward a brighter future. Here are some things you can do to feel your way to a better life right now, without any significant change in your circumstances!
• Focus on what is working in your life rather than what is not working.
• Start a gratitude journal and write about what you appreciate about your life.
• Express your appreciation to the people around you for the things you love and respect.
• Think about all the things you appreciate about yourself and write them down.
• Bask in the joy of acknowledging yourself in this way.
• With difficult people and situations, shift your focus to look for any positive aspects or gifts, i.e., how this circumstance may enable you to grow and learn.
• Remember a time you felt happy. Imagine it in detail and use your senses to relive the memory and recreate that happy feeling.
• Clear out your negativity. Write down all the negative feelings that have been draining your energy. Set an intention to let these feelings go. Tear up the paper and throw it away.
• Consciously choose positive feelings. Fill at least one page in your journal with all the wonderful positive feelings you’d like to experience in your life. Read this often!

5. Imagine you are already where you want to be. Spend time playing in your imagination. Not only is it okay to daydream, it’s a vital step in redesigning your life. Allow yourself to vividly imagine the life that would bring you the greatest joy and satisfaction. Then write about what you envision in clear, concise, emphatic, and energizing words. An empowering vision for your future will lift you out of the doldrums and into action! Here are some things to do to help you create a compelling personal vision.
• Spend some time daydreaming about the new life you want to create!
• Record your thoughts, ideas, and dreams in your journal.
• Look through magazines for pictures that represent the life you desire.
• Cut out pictures and words that you find inspiring.
• Create a picture collage using poster board, a scrapbook or colorful paper.
• Continue to use your journal to create word pictures that express your dreams and desires for your future.
• Be conscious about thinking and writing about what you want, not what you don’t want.
• Try a creative writing approach: be the star in your own movie script or write a story called, “A Day in the Life.”
• Declare your desires out loud in front of a mirror, to a trusted, supportive friend, or to a life coach. Don’t share your vision with anyone you know to be a doubter or critic!
• Gather your insights from all of your journaling work and self-discovery to create a powerful vision statement that starts with the words, I AM. You’ll know you have it right for you when you feel the urge to shout, “YES!”

6. Create an inspiring life plan. Support your vision with a detailed plan for your new life. What needs to change in order for you to experience a rich and robust quality of life? Look at each aspect of your life that is important to you and make a conscious decision to fill in those missing pieces. Declare your intentions in writing, and then make a commitment to take action to carry out your plan. Here are some tips for how to harness the power of intention to propel you to an empowering new life!
• Draw a picture of a pie with eight segments.
• Label each pie segment with an aspect of your life that is important to you and needs your attention in order to create a quality of life that pleases you.
• To be sure you have identified the eight areas that are most important, ask yourself, “If all these aspects of my life are working, will I have a satisfying life?” If not, keep revising your pie until the picture of your life is complete.
• For each area you identified in your pie of life, create an intention statement: “My intention for my _______ is to_____________.” Use feeling words to give your words positive energy.
• For each intention statement you create, ask yourself, “Now that I am clear about my intention for _______, what choices will I make in order to carry out this intention?”
• Now get very specific about actions you are committed to taking that are measurable. This will not be your average “To Do” list, because each action is now tied to your choices, your intentions and your broader vision for your life, which have all come from your heart!
• Use your life plan to evaluate new opportunities and requests for your time.
• Does this decision fit with the vision and intentions I hold for my life?
• If I make this choice, will it further my progress toward the future I envision?
Review your life plan on a regular basis to keep your focus clear and your energy charged.

7. Navigate the bumps in the road. Allow for imperfections! If things do not go as planned, or if something comes out of left field to knock you off track, let it be. Tend to the crisis or detour, but hold onto your vision. The path between where you are and where you want to be may not unfold in a straight line. Look for the gift in the situation and get back on track as soon as you can. Persistence and patience are important keys to transforming your life. Here are some helpful ways to ensure you stay true to your vision.
• Treat your life plan as a living document, one to update as you move through life.
• Acknowledge your progress and be gentle with yourself as you begin to implement change.
• Focus on creating one new habit at a time. Experience some success with one new habit, and then begin to implement another.
• Give yourself status reports.
• Schedule time with yourself (ideally at the same time and on the same day each week) to review your progress and reaffirm your vision.
• Consider daily status reports if you have difficulty maintaining focus.
• Celebrate every baby step along the way, because in time, each step will add up to a giant leap. And before you know it, burnout, boredom and blues will become a distant memory as you find yourself reawakening to joy and passion in your life!

Hot!!

After re-reading parts of my blog from last year about this time it seems that I keep blogging (and griping) about the same things…. Me not being able to “control” my emotions and keep myself in check… people getting on my nerves and driving me crazy… (the same people pretty much)… and being sad…. So, have I learned anything this past year? Yes, I have. Now if I would only apply it to my life maybe it would do some good…. Maybe I should look at it from a positive point of view…. Um, at least at this point I can acknowledge my emotions and I’m not scared to actually name the emotion that I’m feeling…. To myself or my blog anyways….
Life is like a circle…. Well, at least until you change some element of your life that will break the old circle and create a new one… not all circles may be bad for you… (I suppose)… but in my case, the circle that I keep going thru is self-destructive… and not just to me… to my relationships with others as well…. this is all from my perspective and lately my perspective has been pretty negative…. Here’s my situation as I see it anyways…
Somehow (and I have no idea how) I have a herniated disc… My back started hurting 2 months after r and I got married… it never got better, it just kept getting worse and worse… when it first started hurting it was just hurting down my right side…. I was off work for over 2 months and then continued to miss even after the dr. released me to go back to work… I have never been in so much pain… the first year of my marriage I spent in a narcotic induced haze…. I went thru oxycontin and morphine patch withdrawals and I would not wish that on my worst enemy….. the bad thing is that neither the oxycontins or the patches seemed to help the pain… my body just became addicted to me taking them like I was supposed too…. until I had gone thru the withdrawals firsthand I never really understood why it was so hard for people to just walk away from pills or just leave it alone… I was only on the oxycontin for 3 months and the withdrawals I had made me want to start taking it again… just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the withdrawals… they were the worst thing I have ever experienced…. Since then, basically I’ve been on hydrocodone for my back pain, which helps but doesn’t alleviate the pain…. I’ve had multiple sets of cortisone shots in my lower back…. Most of the time the shots work for a little while… this last set has worked for 1.5 years…. My back did start hurting again around the end of November…. I was doing really good not taking a lot of pain pills… only when I really needed them but now, I’m taking them all the time… my back has really been hurting… and it’s been hurting down the left side too, not just the right side… the last time I went to the dr. he had he wanted to do another mri and then schedule me for another set of shots… (dang ‘ol stupid money tree in the back yard had to go and die though!!)
R constantly gives me hell about my back… mainly because of the cost of the shots but also because his back “hurts like hell all the time but I don’t get to take off work or whatever, I just have to deal with it”…at my previous job the shots didn’t cost me anything… the set I got 1.5 years ago I just finished paying off in November… yes, right around the time my back started hurting again….. we’re really trying to move to iowa park to be closer to the restaurant so I haven’t said anything to him about my back or the shots….
Since my back has been hurting like the devil I have been eating my pain pills like there’s no tomorrow…. The pain pills don’t mess me up because my back hurts so bad… they numb/dull the pain a little but not much…. My pain pills do make me um, well, they affect my attitude… I’m sure my attitude is probably also affected by the pain and the pills not working too well, along with stress, but my attitude seems worse when I’m on the pills…. They make me so irritable… and pissy… everyone and everything gets on my nerves… I have no tolerance level for anything at all… I go from pissy to like super hot mad, extremely mad over the stupidest smallest things (worse than usual!!)…. R, my co-workers, the kitties, people driving, people at the store, basically anyone and anything…. I can take xanax with them but I can only take so many … the xanax affect my memory and make me so sleepy although they do help calm me down…. By the end of the day I’m so tired, from being irritable, being in pain, and the pills, that when I get home and it’s bedtime I just fall into bed… then the morning rolls around and I don’t want to get up because I’m pill hung over (which leaves me so dang tired!!!)…. It’s all a vicious circle… at least for me now…. I’m damned it I do and damned if I don’t….
That’s the reason I haven’t been blogging lately… I haven’t been in the mood and I don’t really want to spread the “cheer” that I’ve been feeling lately…. The only thing I’ve wanted to share lately is my nasty attitude… I figure, if I’m going to be in a bad mood then so should everyone else… (I know, that is SO horrible!!!! But it’s the truth….)
So that’s where I’ve been at lately… trying to figure out what the best course of action would be for me to take… something’s got to give… I am not speaking to certain people right now (mainly my co-worker)…. I just can’t and have no desire too… I have absolutely no patience with him and anything that I say to him will probably be really ugly…. R keeps asking me what’s wrong? Why won’t I lighten up? That just makes me even more mad….. this certain song chorus keeps running thru my head- why do you have to be angry all the time? I don’t know dammit!!! Or I do know! I believe it’s because of all the crap I’ve said above but I don’t know what to do about it….
My brother and his fiancée were in town this weekend and even he pissed me off… normally I just take everything he says in stride but man, his comments kept getting all over me… I finally just quit talking…. I was really hoping that him and his fiancée would come over to the house so we could visit but they didn’t…. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t feeling good on Saturday or what…. I took it as they just didn’t want to come over… (of course, the negative way to perceive it!) and that made me mad…. I see a pattern here… everything, and I mean everything, makes me mad… I know there is an answer out there but I haven’t found it yet… or maybe I have and I just looked at it the wrong way…. All I know is that I need peace… I need to find peace inside of me…
Of course all this negativity that I’ve been spewing out of me is affecting me in other ways too… I was going to count my points (from weight watchers) and start exercising… um, no… well, sometimes…. I’ve kinda been counting my points, the first week I lost 2lbs then this past week gained both back…. Not having someone to hold me accountable has kinda presented a problem for me so far… I know most of it is probably the attitude… maybe…. I don’t know… all I really know is that I feel like I’m in a funk and I don’t really know where to go to get out of it…. or for that matter, where to begin… maybe realizing (well, I’ve known that there is a problem, I’ve finally just admitted it) that there is a problem is step one…. We’ll see….

Remember, lifelong habits die hard. It is difficult enough to simply recognize our anger and jealousy, let alone to make an effort to hold back the old familiar tide of feeling or analyze its cause and results. Transforming the mind is a slow and gradual process. It is a matter of ridding ourselves, bit by bit, of instinctive, harmful habit patterns and becoming familiar with habits that necessarily bring positive results- to ourselves and others.

Perfect Monday

today has been the perfect monday! i got up, went to work, but go to go home as soon as i got there (and it wasn't because i was feeling bad either!).... came home... blogged and for the second day in a row got to really read and enjoy the blogs i read daily... well, try to read daily.... lately it's been as often as possible, whenever i get a free second.... but i am really hoping that today changed all of that... i had a very productive day!! i have a list of questions that i need to ask km about random various tax things... yesterday i got my monthly payroll tax done.... today i got my sales tax, state unemployment tax, federal unemployment tax (940), and my quarterly payroll tax (941) done!! basically, the way i have it figured, all i have left to do is get the w-2s out... AND bonus, i think in one of our tax "packets" we got, it had a web address where you could file your w-2s online and print them out... then, they would send all the "Copy A"'s to the social security administration electronically so that i wouldn't have to mail paper copies in... then you can print out your w-2's, as well as the other copies you need, and i think all i would have to buy would be envelopes... not bad... i've got my fingers crossed that this works... man, it sounds simple!! all the stress and worrying for nothing! anyways, i'm taking a break for now... thinking of painting my toenails... maybe putting a mask on my face... ah, but first, some yoga i think!! the other day i was thinking, you know, i don't have time for yoga... 45 minutes is just 3% of my day... if in 100% of my day i can't find time for 3% for time to relax several days a week, well, there's something wrong... so, off to do yoga and relax some!!! what a great way to start the week!!

You create your reality with your thoughts, words and visions. I encourage you to choose to think only the most beautiful thoughts, speak only those things you want to come to pass and to create the most powerful visions of your future success.

Horoscopes

lately i have been thinking about going back and re-reading my blog at this time last year to see what was going on with me... pretty much the same thing as now... trying to learn to be calm and "in control" of myself and my life... ah, the interesting thing though... i posted my 2006 horoscope at the beginning of last year... very very interesting.... here it is:

Just Here
Money is usually of secondary importance to you, friend Gemini, but this year you’ll make up your mind to make as much money as possible. Geminis who are romantically involved might go into business with their beloved. You may create a new career that will flourish without even having to leave your day job, and while this will keep you busy, you’ll draw encouragement from the progress you’re making. Your romantic life improves, but with all your new commitments it may be difficult to find time to spend with your beloved.Make the time. Love is more important than you think. Also, you need to look out for your health. Don’t push yourself too hard. Making money is great, but it’s not worth sacrificing wellness. Remember that.

r and i had talked about opening a restaurant before but nothing too serious... the serious talks began in june!!

so, i decided to post my 2007 horoscope so that i can come back next year and compare....

Gemini 2007 horoscope
Gemini thrives on change, variety and mental stimulation. You will attract these in all areas of your life, making for a very exciting year. Use your talent of looking at your emotions objectively to come to terms with them when you don't understand logically what's going on in your life. Emotions are like events to you, and you have the ability to categorize them well. Your ability to feel connected with people will help keep strong relationships going this year. Treat life's challenges as projects and you will inevitably figure out what's going on.
You will make long strides in your career this year -- as long as you keep faith in yourself. The energy you put into your work will allow you to experience many material blessings in your home environment. Pay close attention to your own creative ideas. Many new inspirational ideas are coming your way and you will benefit by putting your ideas into action in your career. It's important for you to be recognized and feel appreciated for your efforts.
You attract a variety off people with your great charm, and you have a natural ability to gain admiration. You'll feel energized by the opposite sex. For most of the year, communication will be top priority, and you'll be asked to articulate your inspirational ideas in some kind of writing project. Friends and family are key in helping you manifest your desires, especially in the latter part of the year, and the chance to deepen your relationships with them makes you very happy!

Monday.....

ah, the perfect way to begin a week.... i got up a little early this morning because it's been icy and hasn't been above freezing since about friday noonish... got up, started getting ready, started r's truck and my car, i had to go scrape the ice off the windshield (forgot the back windshield though, oops!), and left for work... went to the post office and then off to work... the roads weren't as bad as i thought they were going to be... the overpasses were slick in some spots but for the most part the roads were clear.... i got to work and rrll is standing in the parking lot... only as i'm pulling into the parking lot do i notice that he's the only one there... the gates and the buildings are all locked.... the railroad tracks right next to work are blocked off... rrll says that he just got off the phone with t and that we're not working today!! the ice had downed some power lines as well as poles and trees... txu said they were almost positive that there was no way that they would have everything over there fixed until the end of the day..... YEAH!! so we, along with quite a few other companies, have no power today.... so i cruise back home and now i'm all snuggled up on the couch.... i'm going to stay snuggled up on the couch today too but now the big question is.... do i want to actually take advantage of this whole day off (since i've been griping about being so busy and having so much to do!) and try to get a ton of restaurant stuff done or do i want to play? i'm going to work... maybe play too but work for the most part... having the whole day off is just what i need!! it's perfect!!

Whew

Things have been so busy…. Crazy busy!!! I am finally like 99% caught up at work which is a good thing because that means that now I can work on the restaurant stuff up at work!! Very good thing!! I am working at home but I just don’t feel like I get near as much done at home as I do at work…
after I get everything done that I need to get done for January, I am going to start working Saturdays and after work during the week (as they need me- thru the week) thru tax season with km, her sister, and their mom… they are so much fun and are so dang funny, even when stressed… I’m really excited about it and looking forward to it… I think it will be fun!! Plus, I’m hoping I will learn a lot!!
Things will calm down at work though and then I’ll be able to blog and blog walk again!! Man, I miss it so much!!! Until today I honestly can’t tell you the last time I sat down relaxed and was able to visit my daily reads!! I have been missing them, so bad!! And I DO NOT like not being able to blog whenever I “need” too… plus, lately I’ve been angry (again)…. I know why and it’s for stupid petty reasons but… I’m letting it make me angry… Thursday and Friday were much better days though… I’m not sure if it’s because I am actually admitting the reason I am mad and coming to terms with it or if it’s because my work load is lightning up, not the restaurant stuff, my work… it will all get done….
So, I went to see mary (massage therapist) Friday night for an hour… the weather got bad here Friday afternoon, ice and stuff- it’s still nasty outside, but I feel so much better… I scheduled with her for Friday, the 2nd for an hour and a half.. a full body massage… she said it is amazing what a difference that extra 30 minutes makes… how much more thorough she can be…. Oh yeah…. Treating myself after meeting all my January deadlines and getting ready for tax season… like I said, I am excited about working km, and fam thru tax season…
My brother and his fiancée are coming to visit Saturday and Sunday… I’m excited… I haven’t seen him since last summer (I think?!?) and I miss him… maybe they’ll have some details about the upcoming wedding, whenever it’s planned for! (unless it’s a shotgun one!)
Anyways, I still have a whole long list of things to blog about but they’re all “long and involved”…. And I’m tired… Friday night I was in bed and asleep by 10:30, Saturday morning (afternoon) I woke up at 1:30… Saturday night I was in bed and asleep by the same time and woke up about 12:15 Sunday… I have been so tired… plus, Friday/Saturday, I might have been sleeping so good because of the massage!!! I have a psychiatrist appt on Tuesday…. We’ll see how that goes… I quit taking some of my meds since my awakening session and to be honest, as stressed as I’ve been, I think I’ve been holding up pretty good… I’ve been angry but I know what part/most of that is from… it’s a vicious cycle but that is for another blog another day… I will deal with that issue when it’s time..
One more thing, I have been counting points this week and only had one “bad” day… it started with pop tarts and ended with a frisco burger and French fries… no biggie though.. I did try to exercise and do some yoga this week…. I’ve been wearing my pedometer as well as my 2lb ankle weights… the scale yesterday morning said a loss of 6lbs since Monday… I’m going to weigh in the morning for the “final” week weigh… I’m kind of excited, I think I did pretty good!!!

Thoughts:
You are the creator of your reality. Grasping this truth will without shame and fear will allow you to begin creating the life that you want.

Your happiness depends on what you choose to think and imagine. Choose well.

Thought for the Day

Be kind. Every person you meet is fighting a hard battle.

.......

i'm not sure where to begin... i feel like it's been about forever and a day since i blogged... i miss it... but now that i finally have a chance i have no idea where to start or what to say... don't get me wrong, i have a whole list of stuff that i want to blog about but none of it right now...
since the beginning of the year things have been good, just extremely busy!! i've been super busy at work, playing catch up from vacation (as well as end of quarter stuff)... as far as the restaurant goes, things have been really good there but i've got a ton of stuff to do... year end stuff as well as the normal stuff...
both my work and the restaurant have government deadlines (tax deadlines/payments/reports) that i have to meet... that puts a little more pressure on me but it's ok... i'll get it all done! i worked about 5 hours at home today on restaurant stuff (and don't feel like i got anything accomplished)... figuring the numbers and stuff takes time... plus, i double check everything (ocd).... i do have an appt with mary on friday for an hour massage!! bonus!!!
in short, here's what my schedule looks like for january...
every monday the employees get paid.. this means on saturday or sunday i do payroll....
the 15th- payroll tax (monthly) is due
the 20th- sales tax is due
the 30th- payroll tax (quarterly) is due; state (suta) unemployment tax is due as well as futa (federal unemployment tax); and oh yes, the one thing i can't forget- W-2's have to be postmarked by this date....
also, at my work i've got my IFTA (report for trucking) due by the 30th...
it won't be hard to make out the checks once i get all my numbers.... getting the numbers is time consuming though... it makes me feel guilty to "take time out for myself" but i have realized that this is something that i need to do... i need to take time out to take care of me otherwise i'm not going to be able to take care of the things that i need to take care of... i read that you need to schedule time for yourself like you schedule time for a dr. appt. or anything else... i am going to schedule in yoga for sure... once every 3 weeks or so an hour massage with mary... i'm really thinking about treating myself at the end of january to an hour and a half massage with her... it would be the perfect time too... the stress of january and all of this would be over!! we'll see though!! the yoga is helping me relax too!!
one more thing... i have "designed" a chart in excel to track my weight loss... monday night after work i'm going to weigh and measure myself.... every monday i'm going to weigh and then maybe every other week weigh and measure... i'm going to do weight watchers again (well, by myself) but i think i'm going to try to "jumpstart" my metabolism with this 4 day cleanse... we'll see though... i've started to wear my ankle weights to work each day and my pedometer as well... last year about this time i started the same thing... each week i'm going to try to increase my walking distance by 10%.... (i'll chart that too!)... i really need to start exercising on a regular basis... which i plan to incorporate... km has some jazzercise videos she said she'd let me "borrow".... walking... we'll see... i do need (and want) to do something though!!

My "2007" Reading

i like to have my cards read.... i do not believe that the use of divining tools is a "bad" thing... on www.lotustarot.com today i had my cards read for 2007.... just to kinda see what they said 2007 looked like for me... i know people say that the cards are vague and can be interpreted in many ways but i do believe that if you believe, really concentrate and focus on what you're "asking", and that the reading was done for you (not so much like a generic horoscope) then the results will be "tailored" to you, your thoughts, and your situtation.... i am amazed (as usual) by what my reading says, especially given my thoughts, moods, and feelings lately....here is what my reading said:

How you feel about yourself now (The Moon):
You feel confused, vulnerable and full of doubts, however, all is not as it seems. Feel the fear and do it anyway, because all will turn out well. Expect the new and unexpected into your life. Your turbulent emotions are muddying the waters so step back and try to find clarity of mind, although this may seem difficult. Things may seem tough or confusing but stick with it, it's right for you. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair.

What you most want at this moment (The Fool):
The cards suggest courtney, that what you most want at this time is just to be happy, and you are searching for the one thing that will bring happiness. You want a new start but feel unsure of what you want or where you want to go. Romantically you have mixed feelings regarding another - part of you wants to enter the relationship wholeheartedly, part of you wants to hold back. So if you are in a relationship that empowers you, stay, if not it is time to move on.

Your fears (The Magician):
If there's a new man in your life you are probably asking yourself if he can be trusted? Or perhaps this is a man of influence in your life, a boss or advisor - take care in whom you place your trust. You are feeling disappointed - your romantic desires are unfulfilled at this time and you are wondering if they ever will be. Don’t worry, this won’t last.

What is going for you (The Empress):
The harvest is here; you are entering an abundant time of happiness and joy. Creative energy is high so if you are considering starting a family, a new job or artistic endeavour this is a favourable time. Relax and enjoy.

What is going against you (The World):
As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays - stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting.

Outcome (Justice):
Justice will be done. Decisions will go in your favour, particularly regarding partnerships or legal matters. A time for some good luck and reward for your good deeds in the past.

2007

i cannot believe it's actually 2007... i have been "working on" my top 10 list for 2006 for several days... i am not having much luck with it though... it's not going anywhere... instead of doing a top 10 for '06 i'm going to list a few things that i am working towards accomplishing in 2007!!

• no numbers, my list is in no particular order
• i am going to go to a nascar race this year!!
• change my attitude! as kb said, you might not be able to change the situtation but you can change your attitude!
• lose the negativity- really try to be conscious of my thoughts and to be positive instead of negative! there are no "failures" this year, challenges yes, failures no!
• last year i lost 49.5lbs.... i have gained about 10 of it back (depending on when i weigh) and i want to lose a total of around 80.... over halfway there!!
• work on exercising more and eating better!
• become the person i want to be, not what others think i should be...
• learn and grow spiritually (whatever "religion" that may be)

2006 was a year of change for me... i changed for the better physically and mentally... yes, there is still a lot of work to be done but i have started working on myself... there are a few major issues that i do need to address and i will... baby steps though... baby steps... i do hope that everyone has a wonderful 2007 and that it is filled with everything that you want it to be and more!!

Christmas Present

momma and daddy got this for me for christmas... normally, i hate pink but this, omg, it is too cute... pink and camo, most excellent... i love me some camo too... (i have a snow camo shirt i love.. it's like blue, purple, black, and white camo, it is so cute!!!)... plus the pink camo shirt is a "carl" shirt!! i love it!!!

Mmmmmm!!!!

i mean, no words needed but ouch!! he is hot!! that is my man, carl edwards, #99 driver for the nascar nextel cup... hey baby... hehe
km, her husband, km's sister and her sister's husband, plus about 20 people all go down to texas motorspeedway every year to watch the races... we at tms are lucky enough to have 2 races here each season!!! one is a chase race!! km and the rest all went, camped out for about a week, and had an absolute blast!! man, i would love to do that but more than that, i would love to go to a race- well, a whole race weekend, the truck, busch, and cup races... it really is do-able too!!! dang, that would be so awesome!! maybe we can try to make the november race (that's the chase race!!)... hopefully it'll be an excellent year and that would happen!!! and oh yeah, if we go i am going to have to see carl in person!!! he's your small town boy who grew up racing, southern, just basically a "good 'ol boy"..... and he also has a huge gorgeous smile (i love it) and blue eyes!! and a great attitude (i'm trying to learn from him!!)!!! he also, has a killer backflip!!! oh yeah, i am now officially an "edhead"... yeah!!! a carl edwards fan!!!
2005, which should have really been his rookie year (but he ran more than 7 races in 2004) kicked ass and took names... he came in 3rd in the chase... i mean dang!!! talk about impressive... but that's ok.... 2005 was great, 2006 was ok- lots of bad luck (and you really can have bad luck in nascar)... but 2007 is going to be an excellent year for carl!! he's going to make the chase and kick some ass!!! i have nascar fever bad!!!! i am working on getting a countdown to daytona on my blog... WOOHOO!!!!!!!

ok, just a few more pics.... the backflip pic is at atlanta in 2005....

Awakening Session

this morning i had to go to the post office before i went to my awakening session.... i had been behind this lady in a brand new escalade for a while and she was driving like a crazy person, you know, waiting til the last minute to turn, crap like that, and not using her blinkers... sorry, but that is one thing that drives me crazy, not using your blinkers... i had already gone into the post office and come back out by the time that she was going in... i rolled down my window and said, m'am, i have a question for you, i see you're driving a brand new escalade, do blinkers not come standard on those? i mean, if it's an option i would like to know just so that i can be on the lookout for new cars so that i know that they may or may not have blinkers... she just stared at me so i drove off... normally this is something i would just rant about in my car and not actually say but for some reason today i did... i was pissed... then there was this lady/man (couldn't tell) but they were older than dirt trying to back out of their parking place and going the wrong way... damn already, take their license away before they kill someone!! i just started bawling after that... idiots!! i know, i should be able to deal with this, in the big scheme of things it's not that big of a deal but i guess i've just had it... with everything... until i went to my awakening session with jon, the "founder" of the community arts healing center in town... i've learned so much from him, now if i could only put it into practice like i know i should... they say it takes 21-28 days to make something a habit... i need to do this, for my sanity as well as for the "safety" of others...

this is what his website says regarding an awakening session:
The body is very complex, consisting of four main aspects. Those aspects are the spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical bodies. I have never seen complete, long-lasting recovery and health without addressing all four levels of an individual.
I have found that most people are willing to work on the physical body but shy away from working on their mental attitudes and habits, or their emotions. People will usually visit a chiropractor, doctor, or massage therapist to address the physical but avoid dealing with their emotions. These people do get relief from these modalities, but the relief can be slow in coming and short-lived.
The problem with just addressing the physical is that behind every physical illness and pain lurks an emotional or mental component/issue. If we only deal with the physical we miss a big part of the equation and total health and happiness is not achieved. To have true lasting health there must be a resolution not only within the body but also within the mind and heart!
I have extensively studied techniques that address the self in this holistic manner. I have found that a more complete resolution takes place when the body is approached on all levels. Up until now I have limited myself in the type of work I do for fear that these deeper modalities might not be appreciated or even understood. However, I have come to the point in my own growth that it has become necessary for me to work in this way with my clients. I feel that if I do not address all these aspects of healing, I am not giving all that I can to my clients. And It’ is very important for me to give 100% to the people I work with.
Bottom line: If we are not ready to address our emotional and mental issues then we are not ready to have complete health and happiness. This may sound a little harsh but it’s not meant to. It is simply the truth. Facing and defeating our mental and emotional demons is what the spiritual journey is all about.
My work consist of mental and emotional clearing techniques (EFT and PEAT) followed by physical (massage and stretching) and energetic (Reiki, BodyTalk, etc.) modalities. Depending on the time allotted for a session I can usually do two to three techniques if necessary. Each session I do builds on the one before. I still provide relaxing and deep tissue full-body massages for those of who enjoy the physical experience of a massage. However, if it is an illness and pain free body-mind that you’re looking for, I believe that these techniques are mandatory.

moose paid for my session today as my christmas present... she knows how stressed i've been and she's been going to the classes with me at the center... she told me about her session and about how he had brought up issues that she had been repressing but that were still affecting her in various aspects of her life... jon did the same for me... i really don't want to get into some of the issues right now, i'm still processing and digesting them but i feel so much better and so much more relaxed.... from the muscle testing he did, we found that one of the medications that i've been on for a long time has been "blowing out my body".... draining me of "life", making me more depressed, and basically in general not good for me... the valium he said is not doing me any good... it doesn't help me anyways, i can't feel it... he cleared some of the toxins in my body and said that i may feel ill or like throwing up for maybe the next 24 hours or so.... i told him, no biggie, that's what i've pretty much been doing since christmas eve eve... he said that the throwing up could be caused by all the stress that i've been under lately and that it's probably my body's way of trying to clear out the nastiness.... i have thrown up once since i got home and my tummy is terribly upset but that's really nothing new... i need to go to the mall and return a gift and get something else but that can wait... physically i'm not feeling up to it right now... i'm exhausted... mentally i am feeling better and more calm, which is a very good thing...
i feel like what i blogged last night was mean but i know that everyone has regrets of some sort... i'm not saying i regret where i'm at or who i'm with, i was just having some issues i needed to get out... hopefully later tonight i can get out my binder with my center/jon info in it and start going back over it... i think that will help a lot!! it is now nap time...

Crummy Christmas

I don’t really know where to begin with this… all I know is that I am so sad, I feel like I have this big empty hole inside me… which should be filled but isn’t… at least I feel like it should be filled… it just hurts so damn bad inside and I don’t know how to fix it or what to do… I just want it to stop and go away, leave me alone!!!
R’s brother came over Christmas eve eve and they started watching a movie… I was asleep thru most of it but woke up thought, oooh, I don’t feel so good, I’m going to bed… threw up before bed… woke up, r was in the shower, and I barely made it to the trash can in the bedroom when I started getting sick again…. R got out of the shower and took the trash out… sometime in the middle of the night, while still getting sick, I started throwing up “out of the other end”… I was up all night long getting sick… I called momma Christmas eve day because we were supposed to go over there about 3 or 4 and told her that we couldn’t come over because I was sick… she said no worries, just let her know about Monday.... I told her that I was feeling better and that I wanted to go to grandma’s… r and I went to momma and daddy’s… santa had came so we looked thru our stockings and then opened our presents…. Up until I got sick I was so excited about momma and daddy’s presents…. They weren’t much but they were so cute… 2 coffee mugs… each one had a pic of Mazzy on one side and Murphy on the other… the “right” one said merry Christmas grandma/grandpa… love Mazzy & Murphy 2006…. I still wanted to be excited about them but I couldn’t be… one side of me was thinking, how lame… that’s all you get your parents are 2 coffee mugs!!! I know it’s not the size of the gift but the thought that counts… momma and daddy always always ALWAYS take care of us and make sure that we have a good Christmas/birthday whatever it may be… what I always wanted in life was to be able to repay them for everything that they have done for me… and so far I’m still having to rely on them… I should be way past that point…. After we do presents at momma and daddy’s we go over to grandma’s for lunch… my cousin and her husband live around the dallas area and are running a little behind because she has morning sickness and a cold… we start eating, everything is still all good, get thru eating, I’m sitting there and all of the sudden I’m like mom, can I have your housekey? I get the key, go next door and throw up Christmas dinner… I walked back over to grandma’s and r and I left… I was in tears I felt so bad and that was embarrassing for me… I HATE to cry in front of other people!!! You would think I would be used to it by now seeing as how lately i can’t control anything, especially my crying or my anger….
Which brings me to my next set of circumstances that upset me… 2 major things, 1 thing I finally realized about r and 1 thing that I “regret?” the one thing I guess I finally realized about r… I mean, I guess it’s always something I knew but just thought that maybe would change… you know how the old adage goes, you cannot change people… I want some traditions just for us… you know, like on our birthday we always go and do this or around Christmas we do this…. Something that we do together as a couple… I saw how his family was before we got married but I guess I didn’t really think too much about it… god, I do not want to say this, how many times over the past two years have I thought, have I made a mistake?? Is this really who I’m supposed to be with? Would I allow myself to make a mistake like that? Which leads me into circumstance 2…. This was/is the worst one for me… momma told r and I today that my little (the only one I have) got engaged on Christmas eve (they went to visit her family somewhere way up north)… his fiancée is beautiful, smart, tiny, tan, blonde, and just so horribly nice it makes you want to puke… you (well, years ago I would have) looked at her and been like, ah, what a stuck up b!tch… she has matching traveling louis vuitton luggage… her dad went to tiffany’s and bought her a pair of diamond earrings for graduation… I mean, she has everything!!! So momma says that scott, my brother, went to tiffany’s and bought her a ring… her step-dad had bought them train tickets for a little 8 mile ride that served a 5 course meal and I don’t know what else… at the end of it he proposed… I don’t care that he bought her ring at tiffany’s… what hurts me the most is that when my future husband proposed to me I wanted it to be something so special… km and kb both had special proposals… I was so in on km’s too… ah, such a good plan and it worked out SO well…. She promised me that she would help whoever I decided to marry do something like that for me….i guess all wishes don’t come true… I guess I just feel like there were things that were important to me (and obviously still are) but I “sold out”… didn’t wait long enough, whatever, however you want to say it… it sounds horrible anyway I put it…
R and I both got Christmas money this year… most of it together but we usually split it unless there is something we decided to do jointly… this year, we’re splitting it… mine is going into the checking account to pay bills and I don’t know what he’s going to do with his… he said he needs to start “stockpiling” it… I’m sorry, I don’t know if this is selfish or not, it seems that I just give and give and give and he just takes and takes…. I feel like he never considers me first… not all the time, just once in a while!!! I always try to think about him or us first…
I don’t know if it’s just this time of year, pms, or what is going on with me but this has got to stop!! I have got to pull myself together!!! I took a pg test two Mondays ago and it said negative… I really hope to whatever higher power is out there that this is not what is going on with me right now, so me that i could do whatever i wanted to do with my life...i wanted to be an olympic swimmer for the US team (coach always told me i was good enough) or a pediatrician.... i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... not a good thing… I’ve been trying to keep myself sane by eating pills, pills, and more pills… but that’s not working anymore… I’m tired of trying to keep up the “cheerful disposition” and act like nothing’s wrong… I feel like if you look at an overview of me from the outside you see a happy, happily married, hard-working wife, who is stressed (and doesn’t deal with stress very well) but is doing the best she can… if you could see the inside of me, you would see a train wreck… I just feel like I’m one big disaster on the inside… I can’t tell right from left, up from down… something has to give or I’m going to break… sorry for such a cheerful happy Christmas story… not this year
growing up i dreamed of being a pediatrician or an olympic gold medalist swimmer(coach always told me i was good enough, one of the best he had seen)... but i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... things that seemed so important to me at the time, well, they're not important now... i only wish i had my priorities straight back then.... one day i will have a job doing what i love... being at the pool all day swimming, taking care of kitties, whatever it may be, i will have a job i love... people who have jobs they love and are passionate about are so extremely lucky!!
Ah, yes, one more thing… the other night murph was sitting on his front paws, like with his legs sticking out, but his paws under his body and I said, murph is so cute and he looks so comfortable… the first thing that came flying out of r’s mouth was, Murph you’d better not sit like that or you’ll need $2700 cortizone shots like momma does… I haven’t even mentioned that dr.’s appt to him… he’ll blow a gasket… I can’t help it dammit!! What am I supposed to do?!?!

I'm Back!!

it is so good to finally have a chance to catch up on the blogs that i've been missing this week and to actually blog (with no guilt!!)

week in review again:
sunday- worked on the inventory template all day long... got both weeks of inventory in the file.. very glad to be done the template...

monday- worked- hard!! i have been so busy the past two weeks, between my work and then the restaurant stuff.... whew!! i've had so much to do and have been so busy i haven't had a chance to blog at work or home! i wish i could clone myself!! came home, worked on some more numbers for the restaurant...

tuesday- worked-hard again!! worked until 6ish (normally i'm out the door right at 5!!) went to eat at the restaurant with momma and daddy....

wednesday- still working my butt off!! busy as hell!! left at 5, hair appt... went to walmart after i got my hair done...

thursday- damn, at least vacation is in 2 days!! stayed until a little after 7!!! busy little bee i was and have been!!

friday- ah, busy as hell again but, i had lots of help!! j and rrll both helped me with my billing so i would do done earlier (i did come to realize that sometime rrll isn't that bad!... t let everyone go about 3... i finished up around 3:30 then stood around and shot the sh!t with a few people.... went to drop off my ham, t gives everyone a ham each year... big ones!! came home, cleaned the house, r got home, did the daily register sheet, and finally started on payroll... working on payroll i kept falling asleep for like 10-15 minutes at a time.. finally got it done though... i went to bed at 2:30 this morning... dang, i am tired... that's ok though, today is only day one of my 10 day vacation!!! that means i will have more free time to spend around here!! i miss it!!
i do have a few things to do for the restaurant and around the house but it's all no biggie... later i want post a few things i've learned so that i can find them easy... not now though... off to continue with the laundry and having some pampering time for myself... deep breath in, deep breath out, just relax...
OMG!! i was reading this and can't believe i forgot to post this!!! r bought me my first present ever!!! i was so excited and it made me so happy!! he bought me an ipod charger and player for my car... i love it!! he wanted kill zone for his psp and i just happen to have the most amazing friends that sent me a copy of it!!! i only hope kb and her hubby know how much that means to me!! the are friends that everyone should be so lucky to have!!

This Week

i have been so busy... actually having to work at work makes me feel like i am crazy behind, in all areas of my life... i feel like i have a ton of things to get done and i am stressing myself... it's saturday morning and i am pressuring myself to get started working on numbers... i even feel bad blogging... this thought will not quit running thru my head, numbers, numbers, need to get the template done... ah, why do i do this to myself?
bonus: i did so see mary last night for an hour massage... ah, physically i feel better... some of the stress is gone...
my week in review: also, things that i learned this week...
sunday: very very good day... the day r and i had "the talk"

monday morning: woke up in a good mood... not even hating to go to work...
8:30am - 11:30am: throwing up, so much rrll asked if i needed to home... it had to be bad for him to ask me that...
11:30am: throwing up quit...
11:30pm: - 2:30am: laying in bed and the tummy starts hurting...the throwing up starts again... finally quits around 2:30am tuesday morning...

tuesday:
8:10am: standing in line at the post office waiting to pick up mail that wouldn't fit in the box... oh no, i get that throwing up feeling again... kept it down til i get outside... finally get to my car and loose it... ugh... i stood in line for 35 minutes!
11:00am: it stops....
middle of the afternoon: i understand... withdrawals from my pain meds and/or anxiety meds... we changed the anxiety meds last time.... i hadn't taken any pain meds in maybe a day...

thursday:
8:15am: dr. appt for my back... they want to do another mri since the pain has been on my left side as well as the right side... the right side is still the worst.... but it was never before on the left side... so another mri and schedule me for another round of cortizone shots... damn, i want to "get it fixed" but that is so much money... my last set of shots, june/july 2005... i made my last payment on them october this year... right now that is something i don't feel that i should even consider... dilemma...

saturday: laundry, work on inventory numbers, payroll...
my to-do list keeps getting longer and longer but that's ok, 5 more working days until we get a 10 day vacation... that's something else i keep saying to myself... 5 days...

Observing Your Thoughts

this came in an email this morning and i thought it appropriate considering what i blogged about yesterday...
The emotions you have that are related to your relationships could make you feel ill at ease today. Perhaps it is because of your empathetic connection to the people closest to you that any form of upset or disturbance has a direct impact on your own mood. Knowing that this tension you feel is not permanent and that no matter what may happen with your loved ones, the only thing over which you truly have control is your own thoughts could help you feel a greater sense of comfort with your emotional state today. When you become aware of disturbing thoughts today, you might watch the thoughts as they go through your mind—rather than fighting or changing them, try to simply observe them. You may find that your thoughts may not be related to any immediate event in your life but that they are a series of random images and ideas that can directly affect your mood.Watching our thoughts helps us see that our emotional reactions are more often a product of our minds instead of a response to an immediate incident. Our minds tend to hold onto events that trigger emotional responses, which are even stronger if our family or friends are involved. Seeing the stream of thoughts as they float by us can make it easier for us to detach from their emotional influence, which can lighten our disposition. By understanding the ways your thoughts influence your emotional reactions, you will feel more comfortable with the feelings you have today.

On My Mind

i have so many things on my mind right now it's not even funny... so many different random things... i don't even know where to begin... it seems that when i have a lot on my mind i want to blog, a lot... all i want to do is blog.... i think it helps to get the "clutter" out of my head...
r and i had a really good sunday, the "talk" included... it was one of the best days that we've had together in a while... i really enjoyed it.. we laughed, cut up, it was nice... even got a package packed and a shipping label printed so i can drop it at the post office tomorrow.... one of our ebay items... YEAH!! i just hope things keep selling!! extra money will be nice!! the restaurant has been busier!! a lot busier!! r and his head "evening" cook took inventory on saturday... i've got to get prices in there so we can see what our most expensive and inexpensive items are... we're going to re-work the menu, raise and lower a few prices, not much though... cut out some items, add others in... our morning waitress called saturday and told r that she has heard, from several different people, that one of our competitors is getting really nervous and is really thinking he is going to have to close... that would really leave only one "real" competitor.... that's great news for us... it kinda makes me feel bad but business is business i suppose....
r went to vacuum tonight and when he unplugged my phone charger i noticed that for some reason my phone was dead... it had been charging (or so i thought) since last night... um, someone, mazzy, chewed thru my charger cord... r has already had to splice it back together about 3 or 4 other times because of her... i don't know if it's going to last much longer... needless to say, my phone is now charging... i just hope one day one of the kitties don't chew on the wrong thing!!! mazzy is sleeping on my lap right now... so precious, even though she's a little devil sometimes... hehe... her and murph have been too cute this weekend...
even though r and i have been having a really good day i can't seem to quit thinking about my dream last night... wondering, should i call him? is that even a good idea? why do i want to talk to him so bad?? (if i do get christmas cards- going to try to do that tomorrow night- i was thinking about sending him one)... they say that when you think about someone you haven't thought about in a while it means that they're thinking about you... i feel guilty but at the same time, we were just friends... well, for the most part... sometimes, on occasion, more, but for the most part, just friends... during the day i've also thought about what i've heard from different people... things that we said to one another... different various random things just seem to pop in and out of my head... i don't know if it's "normal" to wonder where you would be in life now had you made different choices? looking back, man, there were so many different roads i could have taken... i'm not so sure what's going on with me and my mind right now... why i'm thinking and feeling what i am... i know it's only been a week since i started my new meds... dr. b said that i could potentially start to feel them in a week or so... i don't know if this is me feeling them or what?!?! i've been really emotional though, crying... stupid things like commercials or something that happens in a show... nothing "important" i should say... i just feel like, damn, what is wrong with me?!!? am i abnormal??? what is my problem?? am i just looking for trouble once things seem to settle down and go good?!?! i sure wish i had some answers...

Thinking

i cannot quit thinking about this… last night I had a dream… it was very weird… I don’t remember how it started but this guy that I’ve known since I was little was in it… we ran into each other somewhere and started catching up… the next thing that I knew we were back at my parents house in my room talking… the way we used to do… for years I thought that we would get married… we both talked about it… I honestly really believed it.… something happened between us and things were never quite the same… before and after things got weird (especially after), I had very strong feelings for him but I wasn’t sure how he felt about me… I always felt he wanted the “trophy wife” and I would have been so far from that… after we quit talking, I ran into him and then I started to let him handle my retirement accounts… we talked after that occasionally, but things were weird… r and I were together and living in an apartment and it seemed he kinda had an attitude towards r and my thoughts were, you don’t even know him… I wonder if we kinda fell out of touch because we weren’t meant to be together… it’s not that I’m not happy with r, I guess I just wonder where I would be if I had made different choices.. .
the dream… my room looked exactly the way it did when I was living at home… we were just laying on my bed talking and he said, I love you and I’ve loved you for a long time… I just laid there, stunned… I didn’t know what to say… in the dream, r and I were married and I was like, you know, this isn’t really good timing… I’m married! Why didn’t you say something years ago?
Don’t get me wrong… I haven’t talked to him in years… sometimes I think about him and wonder what he’s up too… I wonder how he’s doing… one of the last things that I heard about him is that he’s living at home and he was working at an “ok” job…. I only say “ok” because when we were in college he wanted to work on wall street and I knew one day he would… I really thought he would… at one time he ended up with no car, his mom had to drive him to work, this was when he was managing my retirement accounts… he just kinda seemed to go downhill… I don’t know why… I just hope it wasn’t because of what happened or what didn’t happen because of me… I’m not saying that everyone’s life revolves around me but I just wonder… I really would like to talk to him???

R and I talked this morning… we didn’t even talk last night… that’s ok though, we got it all worked out… it actually wasn’t bad like I thought it would be… we just talked, calmly… both of us… it was actually good… it seems that we don’t really have time to talk much so we just kinda hold everything in… we both agreed to communicate more and that we would both try to help each other out more (and ask for help when we need it)…. Today has been a really good day… things are going good… in fact, they’re better than they have been in a while….

Hmmm...

i asked r to do something for me earlier, get me a coke out of the fridge... really a diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper but we call everything a coke... even if it's not really a coke... anyways, i just asked him the next time he got up if he would get me one... he never got up... i went in there, got a coke and then worked on another load of laundry... 7 hours today so far i've been doing laundry but i'm finally on my last load!! as i was coming back in he said, are you mad? i said no, not mad and didn't say anything else... i came back in the living room to finish up payroll and he said, sorry i didn't do that... then i smarted off and said, i'm sorry you don't do anything... it was not exactly the way that i wanted to start the talk and it didn't turn out too good... he got pissed and we had a few words... he stalked off into the back living room and is now sleeping... i can hear him snoring... one thing he said, why can't you just see where i'm coming from? i do, my question for him is, why can't he see where i'm coming from? i totally understand his situation but it's like he is oblivious to mine... i don't know... i feel like we can't even talk anymore... every time i try to say something to him he gets so defensive... and i'm so not trying to come off like that... with the exception of the comment earlier i've really been trying to watch the way i word things... guess we'll just see what happens...
UPDATE: r woke up... came in the living room, talked to the kitties, took a shower, and went to bed... he never said one word to me... it makes me feel like he doesn't even care... how special is that?!?!