Checking In

well, it's thursday night and my vacation is almost over with... work week wise anyways... that's ok though... the break was nice! i got a lot accomplished over the week though... not a huge project but lots of little things... i just did a little each day... and it was good!
christmas was great! r and i hung out with my parents, grandma, and uncle gary christmas eve... christmas day we went to grandma's and saw everyone, minus the brother, and then we went to r's dad's house, minus r's brother too... it was kinda sad that scott wasn't there but people and traditions change i suppose.... people grow up and go their own ways... i have accepted that but i'm still not 100% happy with it.... that's ok though, i have lots of time to learn to accept it...
this week i started trying to watch what i'm eating... i went to the mall (ok, really only old navy, those who know me know i am not a big shopper) earlier this week and it was depressing!! yuck!! so i figured since i'm trying to change mentally i should try to change physically too... i am going to start working out... i don't care what it is but i am going to start doing something! and watching what i eat! that's another key factor!! i know i can do this, now i just need too!! i will feel a lot better about myself! and lose weight, which i need to do!
it's been a pretty quiet week around here and i'm not complaining! i know work is going to be hectic when i get back, until we get caught up anyways! that's ok though, i'm prepared... and i'm going to get an hour and a half massage saturday morning! yes!! i will be all relaxed for the new year!
r and i have been talking to k and her husband, b, in iowa park and it seems that there may be an opportunity for us in "the village", keep your fingers crossed! i really don't want to say much else besides it would be a wonderful opportunity for us, especially r, and it's something that we've been talking about for a while, just kicking the idea around... and knowing what i know now, if this is supposed to happen it will... this whole thing just seems too perfect... though we're not very far into it yet... actually, we've just barely broken the surface... but i know that given the right circumstances, which will happen if it's meant too, we can (and will!) make this happen and be successful at it! i am confident that all is well in our lives though... that our lives will take the course that we designate and that everything that is supposed to happen will! and it's such a good time in our lives to take a chance, if we decide too... we don't have anyone else to support, i.e. "real" children (the kitties aren't too expensive, hehe!)... and now is the time if we're going to do something... the way i see it, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime... for us! i really feel in my heart that this will work, i know we can make it work, and i have such a good feeling that it will work and it will be the most amazing thing! it will be a lot of work but that's ok, it will give us something to do... it will be stressful too, but, that's ok... nothing we can't handle... it seems that the "master plan" that k and i talked about many years ago is coming true... it all seems to be falling into place... how wonderful! all i needed to do was believe! see what happens when you believe! everything happens for a reason! it's so incredible to sit here and think about everything that is manifesting itself in our lives... just in the near future... i am really excited about the opportunity that is presenting itself and am know that whatever happens is happening for a reason... i hope that all is well with you and yours...

Down but Not Out

it's been a long week... i would say a long month but i don't really think that december has been that bad... i just need to adjust my attitude, but like i said yesterday i just don't really care... and to be perfectly honest, i don't really care about anything right now... r has been stressed lately and that makes communication difficult... and if communication is difficult then everything else is going to be strained... so not only is work driving me nuts so is not being able to talk to r, really talk to him... he's been driving me nuts though lately too... but i think that's just because he's stressed and i'm stressed and we're both just really edgy, it's a vicious circle isn't it?
this is nuts, i just took a little break and turned on some tunes and i must say, i'm feeling a tad bit better... almost like i'm afraid to let myself feel better... obviously i missed the computer a little bit... and missed my tunes a little bit... that's kinda crazy (scary?) how something can change your attitude like that... i wonder if that's normal... no pills though! that is a good thing (i just realized that!!) maybe i got angry so that i would acknowledge that i am control of me! (and my thoughts, attitude, everything!!) (is this crazy?!?! i feel kinda nuts, especially writing about it... is it normal to have such "mood swings?")... maybe it was a combination of things, blogging, the tunes, just getting it all out at home (not at work)... whatever the reason, i feel much better now!! i am in an excellent mood!!
all of r's christmas presents are here except for two... and i hate to say that it was the two that i was most excited about... that's ok though, he'll just get a late christmas present... that's a positive! who knows, maybe they'll come in tomorrow... it wouldn't be such a problem except that i'm having them delivered to work and we're on vacation next week... it will all work out though!!
the computer desk came in yesterday... i'm glad that r took the day off so he was here to sign for it... the driver helped him move it into the garage, very nice, it was SO heavy!! we moved it in piece by piece and he put it together... i was "helping" for the first part but i think i might have been a little more stressful so i started playing kingdom hearts, helping out when he needed me too... it was an experience i can say for sure... hopefully i'll be smart enough to remember that the next time we're both stressed out it's probably not a good idea to try to assemble a huge L shaped computer desk... it had some crazy unreal number of pieces.. it is assembled though and i'm happy with it... i must say it looks really good in here! maybe one day we can get the new vertical blinds up! between the new carpet, the new computer desk, and the new vertical blinds it's looking really good in here! (i'm sure the massive cleaning job has something to do with it too!)
i got my hair done tonight and i really like it! it's getting long, for me anyways... my hairdresser's mom was in there when i first got there (and i've known her since we were in 3rd grade) and her mom was talking about this bookkeeper that they hired and how she's not doing a good job... my hairdresser, s, said well you should have hired me.. then we got to discussing salary and bonuses... man, it's crazy! and s's dad is running the company now... he's the big boss man... very tempting but at the same time i have to say that i've got it good... my job is very cushy... plus, my boss is awesome! i really like him.. the co-worker, well, he's just old, but the boss is excellent! i couldn't ask for a better boss!! speaking of work, i think i'm going to use my christmas bonus for a massage... i could put it towards bills but man, i'd really like to have a massage... plus, it's christmas and i haven't had a massage in a long time!! right after the holidays, that would be nice... i just realized why r is stressed, the holidays! duh! he always stresses during the holidays!! you'd think i'd remember that by now!!
going back and rereading this post... is it normal to have such random crazy thoughts and mood swings? my mind just seems to jump from one thing to another... i mean, i've been angry for a few days, it's been growing, but now i feel better... i don't know exactly what it was or what combination of things changed my attitude and thoughts in such a short period of time.. that's kinda scary to me, maybe?!? as mom says, i made an elephant out of a mosquito... but that's ok because my "angry spell" didn't last that long... and i realized that this was a lesson to me... i learned and realized (and now believe) that i can control my emotions and thoughts... i anticipate hard/bad times but that's to be expected... the challenges are there to teach us lessons... i need to find the positive in every situation! i can and will deal with the challenges as they come to me.. everything happens for a reason....
*somehow this ended up being a somewhat conscious stream of thought... sorry if it bored you to tears... i'm still somewhat indecisive about actually posting it.. we'll see if anyone else ever reads it...

Blah

as momma said this morning, only 3 working days left this year for me... i'm excited about that but i'm just blah today... nothing imparticular has happened (or not happened) i'm just funky for some reason... and i'm not sure why... pms could be a part of it.... i only have about a ton of things to get done at work before this week is over, and i'm not sure if we're working a full day friday or not, and i have no desire whatsoever to get any of it done... i just really don't care... i know that's not a good attitude to have but, well, right now it's what i've got... i should really be reading "i surrender" but to be honest, i don't even want to do that.... maybe it's the holidays finally sinking in.... maybe it's the fact that i've been racking my brain trying to think of some gift for mom and dad (either together or separate) to get them that would thank them for everything that they have done for us and i can't come up with anything!! it's very frustrating! i can't come up with one half decent idea.... i know that's frustrating me... and i know that they don't care about the gifts but for once i would really like to get them something that they could/would really use/enjoy... and i'm stumped... i wish i could just go to lunch and not come back until after the holidays... no can do though.... besides working there isn't much going on... just waiting for the end of the week.... well, the boss just called with more stuff for me to add to my list of things to do so i'd better get motivated and get a move on....

Tired!

it is monday and i am tired! i have no idea why, it's not like i stayed up late over the weekend or anything! we had a really good weekend though! friday night r and i worked on the backroom some more and got everything that's going back in the backroom back in there... we're just waiting on the new computer desk though! saturday k and i went christmas shopping and ran errands... we had a really good time and it wasn't the least bit stressful at all (even though there were a bizillion people out!).... she dropped me off while she ran home and then we all met up and had branding iron for dinner and then went to braums for ice cream! it was too good!! k and i did find an excellent special while we were out shopping though! we were in jcpenney's and were looking at rugs and decided to just pop into the vertical blinds... they were half price!! i got some brand new vertical blinds for $30!! that is way awesome, that was the find of the day! then we had to drive around with these huge blinds in her 4runner but that's ok! yesterday my mother-in-law and step-father-in-law were in town, and will be until tuesday, so they took r and i out to eat.... we went and visited with them for a little bit and then they dropped us off... it was just a nice, quiet, relaxing weekend! i hope this weekend is the same! and i am looking forward to my week off!! i am tired and don't want to do anything, well, not much anyways!! monday hasn't been bad, just tired.... ready for friday!! and i hope next week drags by! there's not much going on here... i was thinking that since this was the last week before we were on vacation i might be busy but not so far... that's ok though, i'll just save it up til the end so i'm busy until it's time to go! anyways, i'm going to sit and watch the squirrels play on top of the building across the street and try to teach myself to sleep with my eyes open!

We Are Carpenters

ok, so maybe not really carpenters but mom and i did some awesome work on the baseboards last night at the house!!! mom and i went to the lumber yard when i got off work and picked up the baseboards... we decided to go ahead and give the baseboards a try, besides, we bought extra material so it was ok if we goofed up a few... amazingly, the baseboards went very well!! we finished the whole backroom except for 3 little pieces that needed to be cut out with a hand saw, which we didn't happen to have.... we could have finished the whole room if the corner moulding wouldn't have been short in the corners, but that's ok! i just sat back there on the couch last night, waiting for r to get home, looking at the baseboards and admiring our work! i think we did an excellent job! i am so pleased! and now r can get to moving the stuff back in the backroom! i need to get some new vertical blinds now because the ones that are up are just a tiny bit on the filthy side, oops! i am so happy about the baseboards though! i can't believe that mom and i got so much accomplished last night! we just rocked on!! i just had to share that! it was too much fun!!

Moody (and Venting)

it's thursday and i'm so glad! only 6 more working days after today and then i'm on vacation! needless to say, i'm really looking forward to it! we got our new carpet in the backroom yesterday and it looks SO good! i absolutely love it! (now i just can't wait until we can get both bedrooms recarpeted!!) it's amazing what a difference new carpet makes! and it's so clean and nice! i could go on and on!! it looks so great! now i can't wait to get the baseboards replaced, get my new computer desk in there, and get the room loaded back up!! it's going to look awesome!! and i'm getting new vertical blinds for the sliding glass door too!! yes!!! all new and clean!! i am so excited!!!
i've been moody the past week or so and i think it might be because i've been filling my mind with true crime books instead of positive thoughts like i should be! but i really do plan on re-reading "i surrender"!! i need to get out of this funk!! yuck!! and it seems like everyone and everything is getting on my last nerve (there are a few exceptions!)!! i could just yank my hair out! but i won't... i'll stay calm, cool, and relaxed! not a problem at all!! (yes, i am trying to convince myself of that too!!)...
there hasn't been too much going on besides the "backroom project"... don't get me wrong, that's enough project for me right now! it's been pretty quiet and peaceful, which is fine by me!!
i can't believe there's only 9 days left until christmas! that is so crazy!! tonight after work i need to go get the baseboards (and anything else that we might need to put them down), run some errands, and go to petco... i am trying to convince myself to just go to petco instead of just ordering online but the shipping is free! and well, i'm not a big shopper... so i might just order the kitties stuff online... and to be honest i would rather shop online!! all i want to do after work is just go home and stay there... i think it's partly the hermit in me coming out and my irritation lately... everyone is just getting on my nerves and the last thing i really want to do is go shopping with a ton of people! no thanks! but, there are some things that i can't buy online... and that's probably a good thing!
i really need to work on controlling my irritation... or get in a better mood or something... my co-worker is about to drive me up the wall!! i feel like he does everything intentionally (he might or might not, this is just how i feel) to make my job harder and more stressful.. this shouldn't (and doesn't need) to be a stressful job, i just feel that he makes it that way! it's like he doesn't even consider me (or my feelings) when he makes these stupid decisions... he acted like he got irritated with me the other day because he was asking me questions about medicare part d and i didn't know... ok, you're the only one up here who is requesting medicare, you find out... and then he was asking me questions about our insurance and his diabetic supplies, once again, i had no idea... i could call and ask but he reminds me of my father-in-law... if they ask a question i can give them an answer but they act like they don't believe me... so why should i waste my time calling and finding answers for him when he's not going to listen to me anyways... 2 cases- 1) father-in-law asked if he could write a check at this restaurant, yes i said, so he keeps asking other people.. then he wants to know if he can leave the tip in the check, yes i said again, so he keeps asking other people... then he's worried that because he left the tip in the check that the server isn't going to get it... he will i said... but no, so we wait for change from the check and then he hands the tip to the server because he didn't want someone else to steal it... case 2) co-worker askes me about a disc that he has for his old laptop, mind you it has windows 95 on it... this was right after we got our new computers up here... i told him, the formats aren't going to be the same, we can download those forms when the internet is hooked up... not good enough, he keeps trying to put that old disc in his new laptop... he finally ends up breaking the new laptop... well, the floppy disc drive anyways... then he comes in here and is like, i think i broke the laptop.. yeah, he stuck his pocketknife in it to get the old disc out... i'm not saying i'm right all the time but i don't feel that i should waste my time or breath when the answer i give isn't going to satisfy them anyways... that's my whole point... so, old man, don't get an attitude with me because you're older than dirt and you're angry because your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it too.... don't blame me... and i know it's nothing that i personally did, but it just irritates me that, i feel like, he's taking it out on me! that's crap!! i know that i'm not perfect, not even close. and i know that i take stuff out on other people that i shouldn't... and i know that's wrong... but at the same time, it's usually r or k who catches the brunt of my anger... and they know the anger is not directed at them but at someone/something else.... i suppose you could say that i know that too in the situation of my co-worker but to me it doesn't feel the same... my co-worker and i are not even close to having any kind of relationship like r or k and i do... i mean, there is no comparison there at all... i guess i just needed to vent!
i know it's ok to get angry because it means that you feel something and feeling is good but it's what you do with your anger (or project your anger at) that you need to watch... and that's my problem now, i've managed to control my anger, for the most part, now i just need to learn to let it go... get angry and then get over it... so that's my goal now...
one more thing before i go work, daddy told me that my brother isn't coming home for christmas... this is a first... thanksgiving isn't so bad because i know that he's coming home in a month but not this year... i read in the paper today, sharon randall's column- i love it!, that as the years go by the traditions change and that there is nothing wrong with that but i have a hard time with change... i do and i can admit it, i can even laugh about it unless it's actually time to change, no more laughing then... quite scary i must say! but unless i want to end up like my co-worker i need to learn to adapt to change! so the brother isn't coming to texas for christmas this year, that's a bummer! i hope he has a merry christmas where ever he is though! on that note i'm going to pay bills and type up payroll sheets for 2006!!

Friends

i received this email today and it made me think about my relationships with my friends.... i decided to post it on my blog because i really like what it says (and it's true!)...

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFE TIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Purging & Productive

i must say that this was an excellent weekend! friday night our friends from dallas came in and we visited with them (i received an excellent gift that i absolutely love and already have on my desk!! it is such a special gift because of who it's from but to make it even more special, it has history behind it! i couldn't be more excited!!) it's so nice to be able to get together with b & k to hang out and catch up...
saturday night we went to see the lights in chickasha at the festival of lights... i don't know how to exactly describe it, it's in a park up in oklahoma and they have all these "things" made out of lights... like the grinch and his dog max, crosses, different names for Jesus, a gingerbread house, frogs, butterflies, santa waterskating, getting his hair cut, and things like that... and everything is made out of lights... they have a bridge and gazebo covered in lights and they are absolutely beautiful... it has 2.5 million lights! it is so amazing! here is the website link if you are interested... http://www.fol.net/ ... next year we decided we are going to walk the park, the past couple of years we've just driven thru... i don't know how long the line was but it took us about an hour to get up to the gate the first time and then we decided to go thru again but it took maybe 10 minutes to get back to the gate... needless to say, the line was super long the first time through but it does move pretty quickly... it's well worth the wait though! this is the most beautiful and awesome thing i have ever seen! it's absolutely incredible to me that they can do this all with lights!! that was amazing!
yesterday r and i were busy all day long! i think we worked for about 8 hours or so on the the house... we started cleaning out the second bedroom so that we would have a place to put the stuff from the back room... we got the second bedroom cleaned out and started unloading the backroom.... the backroom is totally clear except for the blue couch and the computer desk with the basic computer on it... i couldn't bear to tear the computer down yet! so tuesday night should be relatively simple, move the computer, the computer desk, and the couch, and then the backroom is clear and ready for carpet... the backroom looks so huge with nothing in it... it's nuts! the rest of the house is a disaster though... it was my weekend to clean but since the carpet was coming on wednesday i decided to put it off until the new carpet is here... the house would just get dirty again anyways... we're going to do a little rearranging in the backroom too! (i got to buy my christmas present from r last night... it's a computer desk, and i love it! it's awesome! i can't wait for it to get here!!) the backroom is going to look excellent!! after we finished clearing out the backroom we cooked dinner and then watched saw... we hadn't seen it before and it was ok... it was supposed to be a horror movie but it wasn't really that scary... i kinda lost interest in it, it was kinda boring to me... we had a really good weekend though! it started off excellent and ended excellent!!
9 more working days after today and then i'm on vacation for a week!! i am really looking forward to that! r's going to take off the end of the week.... there are some things that we have talked about doing to the house and i'm hoping that we can get some of those done either before or while we're off... it'll be nice though!! things are good in my world... serene... and i'm trying to stay that way even though my patience are being tested! but that's ok... i am going to stay serene today! i have no reason to stress and so i shouldn't be stressing!! i have decided that i do need to keep rereading "i surrender"... it seems that when it starts to slip from my mind that's when my attitude changes too.... i'm glad that i am conscious of that though!!
happy monday to everyone!!

Irritable

i have no idea why but i am so irritable today... i just want to scream! my co-worker is driving me up the wall... every little thing that he does is making me crazy!! man alive!! i'm trying so hard to control my irritation but it is very difficult... i feel like i am going out of my mind and it's been a while since i've felt like this... i really honestly think that he's losing his mind, on top of just getting old and more gripey everyday! and to be such a "good christian man" he sure isn't very thankful (for anything!)... he just expects certain things and if they don't happen or don't happen in his time frame he's not happy! i realize that everyone is like that to a certain degree, i am i know, but (and this is just my personal opinion) his is over stupid things that shouldn't be expected, like our bonuses... and he gripes about our boss so much it's not even funny! but then when the boss gets here it's all about him working... which, yeah, whatever... i'm not even going to touch that right now... talk about getting fired up! i have tried to calm myself down, well, calm the irritation down and it's not working very well... but that's ok... i'm not having a bad day per say but it's not an excellent one either... my intentions worked though... i was hoping to feel better after blogging this and getting it off my chest and i do! good stuff!!

Grateful cont'd...

i just wanted to add that i am grateful to have a house (to live in with my wonderful husband and my two kitties) for the heater to quit working in... i'm not saying i'm grateful that the heater broke, i'm just glad that i have a home, and if the heater is going to break, so be it... we can get it fixed... that's what i was thinking about during lunch, that i should be grateful to have a house so that the heater can break... some don't have that... i'm grateful for everything and everyone that i do have in my life... i'm grateful that i have the ability to see (or to try to see!) the positive in everything... i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends and family that are there for me!!

Grateful

it's monday and i just wanted to blog for a few minutes... momma and daddy got r and i new carpet for the backroom for christmas and we are so excited about it! we got a really good deal on it and the backroom is going to look so much better! i can't wait to get it installed now!! i am so super excited!!! awesome!!!
we had a good weekend... until last night... our heater quit working and it was in the 20's this morning.. at least that's what the weather last night said it was going to be... i didn't ever actually check the temperature, all i know is that it was cold!! so our heater decided to quit working last night and r and i only have one blanket, mental note- get more blankets! and a space heater!, so needless to say it was a long night.... murph slept under the covers right next to me all night long, poor guy, i think he was cold! james lane came out this morning and fixed the heater.. i was so worried that it was going to be something terribly expensive or that they were not going to be able to fix it today but luckily it wasn't... it only took about 45 minutes for them to fix it and cost less than $100.... not cheap but not near as expensive as it could have been! they say that there is something positive in every situation... i am looking and thinking to find the positive in this situation and maybe i have already recognized it but just don't realize it yet.... the repair could have been much more costly or they might not have been able to fix it today... on the other hand, maybe we had the repair done so that something worse didn't happen.... i'm just grateful that the heater is working! don't get me wrong, the heater got to me this morning... i was in tears... and was very worried... until i talked to the repairman... things are better now! i'm still not as cheery as i was yesterday (or hoped to be today!) but that's ok... small baby steps! now i'm just tired... i didn't sleep very well last night because it was so cold but that's ok... i can sleep tonight!

Happy Days Are Here Again

welcome to the life of a crazy person, you never know when you're going to have a good day or a bad day... today is a good day! i started working on these exercises that came out of the "i surrender ebook" yesterday and it was absolutely amazing how much better these exercises can make you feel! i cleared out my negative thoughts! (for now anyways!) but as the author said, it's not easy at first but it will get easier with time! so, that's what i'm shooting for! i really did feel better yesterday after working on those exercises... and i'm still feeling good today! positive thoughts have helped! knowing that others have struggled reassures me that i'm not the only one who is struggling (that sounds horrible i know!!) i just wanted to blog my happiness! the past few blogs haven't been all that cheerful so i thought i'd let everyone know that i'm feeling and doing much better! (and i think what was wrong with me yesterday was too much sinus medicine... i had a horrible headache and took some excedrin sinus before i left for work and then at work took some alka seltzer plus medicine and i think that's what was behind the omnious panick attacky feeling.. i kinda forgot that i had already taken some sinus medicine.... i say forgot, i might have not even thought that i took it because my head was hurting so bad!! the head is better though!!) things are looking up! there is a positive in every situation, sometimes you just have to look for it!

Just Here

i'm sitting here at work thinking, man, last week at this time i was all excited about the long weekend coming up... too bad that's not every week.... i'm bummed today... i'm really trying not to be but i can't seem to shake it.... hopefully my mood will improve as the day goes on... there really isn't anything going on ... just waiting on the rest of the time so that i can process payroll... after that, well, nothing really... waiting on 5....
i can't put my finger on what it is but something is bothering me... i can feel it at the back of my mind... almost like it's on the tip of my tongue... i just feel that something is not right... and i'm not even sure that's a good way to describe it... it's an unsettling feeling, omnious maybe?... like a bad panic attack that's trying to come on.... it feels like it's trying to creep in... it's already managed to work it's way into my brain, partly anyways... i just wish i could identify exactly what is bothering me so that i could work on not letting it bother me... i don't know if that makes any sense or not.... i'm not sure how to go about pinpointing what the problem is either.... maybe i can figure out what it is....

Frustrated

i woke up this morning frustrated and i'm not 100% sure why... i had a really bad dream last night... i woke up about 3 this morning sweating, my side of the bed was just soaked, so was my hair, pj's, everything! needless to say, it was not a happy dream... plus, r has been cranky in the night and the mornings towards the kitties... their schedules are crazy right now and they either want to play or want treats all thru the early morning hours... mazzy went thru this but luckily she "grew out of it"... i'm hoping murph will too... not getting a good nights sleep may have something to do with why i'm cranky....
i also wanted to clarify something... i said in my blog yesterday that christmas was my favorite time of the year.... it is, but not because of the presents, at all!! it's because the whole family is there... not just the "thanksgiving" part of the family but the whole family! (and contrary to what people might think) i do love my family... mom's side of the family is awesome! there are some people that i miss on daddy's side of the family but i really look forward to seeing mom's side of the family.... maybe it's because everyone keeps coming back at christmas (and have for as long as i can remember)... i realize that it's not possible for everyone, i.e. dad's side of the family, to come back and that's ok... no hard feelings at all... i really enjoy getting to see s and uncle g... uncle g is really awesome because he has the neatest stories to tell..... places he's traveled... what's he doing.... and he just does his own thing.... that is fascinating to me...
i was kinda down yesterday and today but i'm trying to not let it get to me.. i know the headache that developed last night isn't helping any... it feels like the left side of my head is about to blow up....
on that note, i've been thinking and i think i don't like me... i realize that needs some clarification but i'm not happy with what i think about when i think of me... so i need to change my thoughts, i realize that.... i'm working on that... it's a lot easier to change your thoughts regarding something or someone else than it is regarding you... i could just think, i'm not.. whatever it is i'm thinking about myself but that is hard because i don't really believe it... you must believe what it is you're thinking and when it comes to myself i'm having a hard time with that... i must work on this some more... i think pms may be part of the problem too right now.... anyways, when i think about me, most of the time, i don't think positive thoughts... they're negative and not nice... i don't see why i shouldn't be able to think about me in the same light that i am trying to think about everyone else... more positive, less negative. i didn't get this way overnight so i'm not going to be (and shouldn't expect to) change overnight... baby steps i keep telling myself...
speaking of changing the way you think, i got the results back from my cat scan... nothing showed up... which is good news, i'm glad.... so, does that mean that there is nothing wrong with my body or head to be causing my headaches? i don't know... i surely can't imagine that these headaches are all in my head and have been there for years... maybe they have... do i just think the headaches away? that's what i'm going to try to do i guess... i don't know what else to do... since i've had "every test known to man" done and nothing is wrong with me i'm stumped.... i feel like such a hypochondriac, that there is always something wrong with me... i can never just be happy and well... what i wouldn't give just to be happy and well though! no more headaches, like this anyways... what a relief! no more back problems and pain... no more depression and anxiety... life would be so awesome! i'm not saying that it can't be that way, currently that's just not my outlook.... anyways, i just thought i'd blog some of the stuff that has been tumbling around in my head the past couple of days.... get it out of my head and maybe i'll feel a little better! keep your fingers crossed!!

the Holidays

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

well, it's monday after thanksgiving and i can say that i have not bought one single christmas present yet... that's ok though... i have no idea what to get anyone anyways... r and i had a nice long weekend.... we didn't do much, just kinda worked around the house and enjoyed our time off! we did make a list though of stuff that we would like to do to the house and i am really excited about that.... just a few of the things on the list are: new light fixtures in the kitchen and hall... take down the mirrors on the wall in the hall, replace the front screen door, "re-tile" the kitchen and the kitties bathroom, and carpet the back room and both bedrooms... some of the items take $$ and some don't require as much $$ so i think we're just going to start where we can and work on that... i think that just replacing the light fixtures and getting the mirrors off the wall in the hall will make a big difference!! and i am excited about that! the house just needs some updating!

we think our tv in the living room is about to go out... it's acting weird and the picture is starting to get dark... we would like to buy a big screen but once again $$ is required... we'll just have to see how things go! hopefully our tv won't go out before we can get a new one though! no tv, oh no!!

coming back to work today was difficult... i just wanted to stay home with the kitties! i know they were probably ready for both of us to go back to work!! it was a nice long weekend though! now i just have to work 20 more days and then i get a week off, 9 days counting the weekends... but who's counting?!? i am looking forward to christmas, thanksgiving was really nice though, it's always really nice to get to see everyone! christmas is better because s is in town! even if it is for only a short period of time! i miss him and love getting to see him!

i am working on staying positive... i noticed that it was kinda hard when i was at home because all i did besides work around the house was read and watch tv... i'm reading true crime books right now and we watched the bondathon on spike tv (james bond).... we always watch the bondathon... i guess it's tradition for r and i... it's easy to let yourself get distracted by the books or the movies though and i just kept reminding myself, don't be stressed/angry/mad (or whatever), there is no reason to feel that way, any stress right now is stress that i have brought on myself and doesn't need to be there... it's true though, what you put into life is what you get back....

i haven't been enjoying the true crime books as much as i was before... since i've been trying to change my way of thinking i have noticed that some of the things that i used to enjoy i don't enjoy so much anymore... now i just need to replace those with something else... yoga keeps pushing itself into my mind and i sure would love to start doing yoga again... i really need to try to get yoga into my daily schedule... i know i would feel much better!! there are several things that i need to start doing!

speaking of starting to do things... i really need to start exercising, yoga!, and watching what i eat... i got on the scale saturday and it was upsetting! i have gained 9lbs!! i can tell because my clothes don't feel as loose as they had! that is upsetting but i can't blame anyone else for it! it's my fault! so now i have to do something about it! i have too!! and i plan on it!

i'm off to try to find some heart healthy recipes! until later...

Pondering Thoughts

If you want to change your life - RIGHT NOW - there is nothing more powerful than changing what you believe.

lately i have "stumbled" upon many emails and articles dealing with fear vs. love based actions and forgiveness... i know the universe is trying to tell me to just let it all go... all the ugliness, hatred, and negative feelings that i still harbor inside of me... and i am really trying to work on that so that i can accomplish that... this one article that i'm currently reading (here is the website address if you wish to read the whole article: http://www.everydaywisdom.us/articles/article_nl.htm) describes the way i feel and then goes on to describe the way i should think:

We learn to choose fear and don’t forgive ourselves or anyone else for mistakes until they suffer just the right amount. I’m not talking about the authentic emotion of fear in the moment of danger that is revealing the truth of the situation, I’m talking about unfounded fear, fear based on lies. Every moment has an emotional perspective. So, all our experiences, no matter how old, have emotional memory. Past experiences have an emotional point of view that was, in the moment they happened, telling the truth. If emotional drama and judgement follow then the perspective is full of fear. Fear we won’t be accepted. Fear we are not enough. Fear we won’t get it right. Fear we’re not safe. But these fears are not about any clear or present danger, they are the emotions attached to old memories that in this moment simply are not true. Only the servants of fear do not forgive. Sometimes we make choices that don't work out and we later regret. It can be a learning experience, or a lifelong wound. It’s up to you to choose. If you don’t like the results of your actions do something else. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are constantly changing, evolving and growing. Your best self is what you are right now, nothing more, nothing less. Your best self in the future is whatever you decide it will be when you take action to make it so.

that is me... i don't feel that i should be forgiven for my mistakes (or that anyone else should, maybe not anyone but for sure certain people, and yes, it is the same people over and over) until i have suffered to the extreme.... i need to know and feel the pain that i have caused myself (and others need to feel the pain that they have caused me) before i can really let it go... and sometimes not even then... for instance, grandma c... crazy nut that she is, i still harbor very negative feelings for her... have i forgiven her for her "attitude and slights toward me" when in reality she is just acting the way she always does, towards everyone... i'm honestly not sure... i have been thinking about this a lot lately and i can't figure it out... when i think about her i don't get raving mad like i used too... but at the same time i still get a little knot in my stomach... (at least i've managed to work it down to just a little knot instead of just flying off the handle).... i have been trying to remember the feeling i felt when all this different stuff happened with grandma c... and to be honest, i can and can't.... i know what she said hurt me... i didn't think grandma's were supposed to think like that... or actually say things like that... and this was years ago... i think that maybe part of what she said lead to some of my insecurities... i'm not blaming it all on her (it's not all her fault, i let her affect me like that)... i'm working on chosing love and positive ways of thinking as opposed to fear and negative ways of thinking... We each create our own reality simply by what we agree to believe. i know deep down in my soul that this statement is true now i just need to align my thoughts and beliefs with that statement, no more doubting! like i keep saying, i am working on it! and i know i can do it! i have faith in myself and i know that i do want and need to change and i am going too! it's so crazy the way that the phrase what you put into life is what you get out of it is so true! i have seen it in many small ways so far and am trying to change my way of thinking so that all things that are manifested in my life are positive... and in every situation there is a positive, sometimes you might have to look for it but it is there!

tomorrow is thanksgiving and i have been thinking today about the things that i am grateful for... the list is so long and continues to grow! we shouldn't have to have a holiday to say thank you to the universe for all that it has provided for us... we should be thankful every day for what we have and for what has been provided for us. i am trying to keep that in the back of my mind; to be thankful always. on that note, i am getting ready to leave on this wonderful 4 day weekend! i leave you with this thought:

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million people around the world that won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world!
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy!!
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all!!!!
Please share this reminder of the many blessings we share to others who might appreciate this gentle reminder of just how fortunate they really are too.

SIMPLICITY
Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
Where there is tiredness or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
Where there is fear, I wish you love and courage.

Embracing Unpredictability

every day i receive several emails from different groups regarding positive thoughts, how to keep your thoughts positive, how positive thinking affects your health, and similar things along those lines... today was a very good email from DailyOM....

Embracing Unpredictability
When Life Throws You A Curve Ball
In life, we are always setting goals for ourselves and working to make them happen. This gives us focus and ensures that we use our time and energy efficiently and effectively. It also provides us with a sense of purpose and direction. We know where we are going and what we want to do. But quite often, due to forces outside our control, things do not go as we had planned-the flat tire on the way to the wedding, the unforeseen flu virus-and we have to adjust to a postponement or create a whole new set of circumstances. Even positive turns of fortune - an unexpected influx of cash or falling in love - require us to be flexible and to reconsider our plans and priorities, sometimes in the blink of an eye. This is what happens when life throws you a curve ball.The ability to accept what is happening and let go of your original expectations is key when dealing with these unexpected turns of fate. We have a tendency to get stuck in our heads, clinging to an idea of how we think life should go, and we can have a hard time accepting anything that doesn't comply with that idea. The fact is that life is unpredictable. The trip you thought was for business - and when the deal fell through, you got depressed - actually landed you at the airport two days earlier than planned so you could meet the love of your life. Your car breaks down, and you are late for an appointment. While it's true that you never arrive at that important meeting, you end up spending a few relaxing hours with people you would never have met otherwise.In order to keep us awake to opportunity and to teach us equanimity, the universe throws us the occasional curve ball. Remember that curve balls are not only life's way of keeping us awake, which is a gift in and of itself; they are also often life's way of bringing us wonderful surprises. Next time a curve ball comes your way, take a deep breath, say thank you, and open your mind to a new opportunity.

Tired!

i haven't blogged in a week.. my head has been bothering me and i have had so much stuff going on... i had a cat scan done on my head on monday to see if there is something "medically" wrong with my head that keeps causing me to have these headaches... for the past several years my sinus infections that i thought i kept getting (along with my doctor) haven't really been sinus infections... well, some of them might have been but not all of them... for some reason, and we don't know why, my head hurts, pretty much all the time... there might be one or two days out of the week where my head doesn't hurt (or not very bad anyways) but for the most part it's a constant headache... not just a small one either... on the really "good" days it feels like someone is stabbing an ice pick in my sinuses usually above my right eye... it usually hurts on the right side... so i had a cat scan done since the headaches have been so consistent for so long and the intensity of the headaches has been growing... i don't know what to think about my headaches... it's a catch 22... i don't want anything to show up on the cat scan because then that will involve my head/brain/sinuses but if nothing shows up then does that mean that there is no reason that i should be having these headaches? i don't know... all i know is that we finally got my back "fixed".. it hasn't bothered me in a while, other than the occasional ache or pain.... but now my head... i talked to momma and she said i've had headaches my whole life... and i don't think i've ever had any tests run to see if there was a reason.... so, i guess we'll just have to wait and see....
murph has acne, still.... poor guy.. i took him to the vet two fridays ago and they gave him so antibiotics and i can't really tell if they're helping or not... he has some acne on his neck now, it's not just below his lower lip... so we may be planning on another trip to the vet... they said if his acne doesn't clear up they may have to give him monthly steriod shots... poor little murph!! it doesn't bother him but the vet said it can cause an infection so we need to watch it...
besides that r and i have been trying to work around the house and get things cleaned up and/or fixed up... it's just really frustrating to try and do something when my head hurts as bad as it does... but, we're doing the best we can and that's all we can do... i trust though that there is a plan and whatever the plan is going to be for me it's for the best... it will all work out according to the universe.... and as long as i know and trust in that everything will be good and fine...
r and i are debating on driving to new mexico for thanksgiving next week... his mom and step-dad invited us down... his mom is flying his brother out and his sister lives there so it will be mom and the kids, if we go... i wouldn't mind going but the only thing i am dreading is the drive... not there so much as back.. when we get back it'll be a mad dash to get everything done, i.e. laundry & stuff, before we have to go back to work... and i was really just hoping for a nice, quiet, relaxing long weekend... we'll see though... i'm not sure what we're going to do... and i was really hoping to try to get the christmas decorations (what we have.. hehe) out and maybe start on those... so, we'll just have to wait and see.... it's no biggie though.... whatever happens will be fine, no reason to stress over it... especially something that we have a choice about and can control...
besides my headaches things have been going very well... coincidences are popping up all over the place... the emails that i have been getting really seem to focus on what is going on with me and what reassurance i need... it's really awesome to see this power alive and working in my life... that is exciting! i'm still trying to stay positive and keep my thoughts positive! most of the time i do pretty good! r has even commented on the difference! (and you know it has to be "significant" for a man to notice a difference.. hehe).... i have noticed though that when i take a pain pill (i took one the other day to see if it would help my head any) that i was so irritable and wasn't nearly as calm as when i'm not on anything except my anti-depressants... so, now the pills are affecting me in ways that i hadn't noticed before and to be honest, i'm glad... another reason to stay off of them and not get back on them... sometimes it's still a struggle though... but i have to say that i am proud of myself, i think i'm doing really good... especially considering where i was say, 6 months or a year ago... doped up pill head... oops... but, i'm not going to lie anymore, i knew it (it did take me a while to realize it though) and didn't want to do anything about it... but i'm glad i did!! my life is changing and i am glad! i am welcoming the change!
i must say though that everything seems to be much better... life in general, my relationship with r and everyone else......this "new" way of thinking is going well and is making things so much better! i haven't really let myself into any uncomfortable situations though yet... i'm working on that... right now i'm just trying to stay in my comfort zone.... soon though, soon! i must say though that r and i have been getting along really well lately... maybe it's my new outlook on things.. all i know is that i am so happy and consider myself so lucky to have such a wonderful husband! he has been so sweet and nice lately! i am loving it! and him!
i'm going to work now, get my billing done so that i'll be through for the day! more soon!

Bad Case of the I Don't Wannas....

i am so glad that it's friday because i have a bad case of the i don't wannas today... well, it's really i just don't wanna be at work... the weather outside is beautiful, i could be at home raking leaves or something like that... why would i want to rake leaves you ask? i have no idea but since last week i have been wanting to get out in the backyard and rake some leaves... crazy!?! things are good here... i have started to see things manifest themselves in my life and i think it is wonderful... i am so thankful for everything that i have right now! i am a very lucky person!! i have a wonderful husband, two awesome (even if they do "run amuck") kitties, the best parents in the world, amazing friends, and more than i could ask for...
i received an email yesterday that made me feel much better about my "mood swings" that i've been having lately... i've been thinking, change is so hard... i've thought this way for 27 years and trying to change that is going to be difficult... change might (or might not) be hard but at the same time it's ok to get emotional.... here's what the email said.. the way that things appear when you "need" them too is incredible... loving life!!

If you're trying to change a pattern of behavior or navigate your way through a life change, don't assume that it has to be easy. Wanting to cry or being moody during a period of change is natural. Then again, don't assume that making a change needs to be hard. Sometimes, changes are meant to be that easy.

Coincidence? I think not....

i sat down saturday to check my email and was surprised to find an email there that i knew belonged... the email was an inspirational one and really hit home... the website is:
http://www.isurrenderthis.com

this email and website once again reassured me that i am following the right path... it may be slow going but slow going is much better than not going at all... this phrase jumped out at me and has stuck in my head...

Believe that there are no chance happenings in your life. Let this thought sink in and now turn this thought into a belief. Feel it, smile about it and believe it to be true. Surrender does not hurry or worry. It does not judge or ridicule. It believes in a positive outcome. Belief has emotion and needs to be felt. Our belief can not be faint hearted but must be steadfast and true.

i cannot explain in words how i am feeling right now... i have a sense of peace and fulfillment about me.... even though the feeling i am experiencing now may be just a momentary feeling i know that in time it will be the emotion that i feel all of the time... i am working hard to become a better person and just let go of everything... if i truly believe i can do anything thru Him who strengthens me.... your Him maybe be God, Buddha, or something else but what/who ever it is just believe and so it shall come to be....

Life

my chiropractor told me thursday, you get out of like what you put into it... wise words of wisdom... i am trying my very best to put positive thoughts and peace into my life and project that so that is what i get back.... i'm excited, more later on this but i have learned that nothing in life is a coincidence... everything happens for a reason and there is something positive that you can take out of every situation...

Getting Hot!

sorry, i know i am supposed to be oozing kindness and peace but i am pissed!!! my co-worker is trying to sabotage me i suppose, i can't think of any other word for it... i guess he is mad because he's getting old and senile so he's trying to make me think i am... he just had the nerve to come in here and blame me for not making a copy of something and giving it to one of the formen... um, no, i actually made the copies that i was supposed to make... once the copy leaves my hands and is on the desk where it needs to be i am not responsible for it anymore... i guess i'm just going to have to hold on to everything and personally hand it to whomever it needs to get too.... i have no idea what his problem is.... at all... all i know is that i am blazing mad right now!!! he has been getting on my nerves so so bad!!! he is forgetting everything, EVERYTHING!!!! and now he's trying to act like it's not him... um, no, i'm not the moron, you are... and he treats me like a idiot.... he has to explain everything like i have no idea what he's talking about... yeah, he should know that if i have questions i'll come in there and ask him... i spent most of my time asking questions when i first started.... yeah, i'll ask if i don't understand or need some guidance... now the owner, t, is pissed at me because i didn't make that copy... i know this is stupid to get worked up over but i have really been trying to keep my anger in check over the past week and it works fine until i have to deal with him.... he's old enough to retire in december but i know that won't happen... he's going to try to work here until he dies... that is if he hasn't messed things up so bad by then that t just lets him go.... stupid freaking "christian" man who acts like he is so much better than everyone, never does anything wrong, but yet manages to judge people based on the color of their skin or something else equally as stupid... but, yeah, he's "a good christian man"... my big fat ass you are!!! (apparently he can't read the part that says not to judge... you would think he belonged to the first baptist cult in this town but no, he doesn't...).... now i need to go calm myself down before i can't...

Getting Older

every morning when i get to work i usually spend the first half an hour or so reading the newspaper.... trying to stay on top of current events and just checking out what's going on.... i always scan the obits and the letters to the editor too.... today i was scanning the obits and i saw a name i recognized.... i grew up with her grandson.... and for the longest time thought that he would be the one i would marry.... we were so close for so long.... his grandma dying just snapped me into reality... a reality that i would have preferred to stay out of.... i know that death is inevitable but when you're younger it isn't something that you really have to deal with (for me anyways).... this past year i have seen my mom's best friend bury her mother and her mother-in-law.... all within about a months time.... i can't imagine how hard that must have been for mom's best friend and for mom... both of those deaths impacted me and now so has nora's...
just yesterday i was sitting here at work thinking about halloween years ago when k's dad took several of us to haunted houses one year... we weren't old enough to drive yet so k's dad took us... we had such a good time... and thinking back to how we wish we were old enough to drive so that we could drive ourselves... and then how we wished we were old enough to buy our smokes (legally)... and then how we wished we were old enough to buy beer legally.... it's funny, time just flies but you don't really notice it until you get older... and once you're older you wish you could slow it down... today is november 1st, 2005 and i can hardly believe it... life is just flying by, just like i wanted it too years ago.... and like momma said it would.... i made the comment to momma one time that i didn't like funerals because they were sad... she said something along the lines of, the funeral is for those who stayed behind, letting them know that you are there and that you care.... that's a good way to think about it even though it doesn't take the sadness away....

Monday (Again!)

it's monday again.... once again, i'm not in a good mood or a bad mood, just kinda indifferent.... there's not much going on at work, which is fine by me.... or at home, which is also fine by me... i'm just kinda blah.... it's cool and rainy and i'm loving the weather! r and i had a good weekend... now i'm just waiting for next weekend... hopefully the week will go by fast and will be a good week!

Struggling

well, it's thursday and i've managed to make it thru the week without getting angry... irritated yes but not angry... today is a struggle though, not to keep from getting angry but to keep from getting irritated and judging my co-worker... i know i can keep from doing this and i feel better that i am at least conscious of what i am doing... maybe it's not judging that i am doing but i know that i don't need to be thinking what i am thinking regarding him.... i need to be calm and at peace, not getting irritated at him... it's so easy to do though from an outsiders point of view... but, like i said, i am working on changing my thoughts and my life....

Monday

the weekend was pretty good... nothing to complain about anyways... i managed to control my temper all weekend long, i didn't get mad once... i did get irritated at walmart but that's kinda to be expected.... walmart can be irritating! but as far as getting mad or anything it didn't happen... this morning has been more of a challenge (yes, my co-worker) but it's not him today, it's me.. i'm not having a bad day i'm just not feeling too well.. my head and neck are really hurting me right now... i woke up at 3am this morning (and wasn't able to go back to sleep) with a horrible headache... it felt like my head was splitting in half (and at the time i was wishing it would just so it would quit hurting!)... i'm going to see the chiropractor after work though, she'll make it better... i miss r and the kitties too... but that's because i was with them all weekend long... poor little mazzy cat was sitting on her stool watching me out the window this morning as i was leaving... i sure do wish she could wave... it is so cute but it makes me so sad to see her sitting there! even though she's probably like, i thought you were never going to leave! anyways, i'm about to go get some lunch... there's not much going on at work today, it's kinda quiet which is good considering my head and neck....
friday i was talking about coincidences and things happening... today my infinite increase email was really odd, it just fits right into place... for those who are wondering what it said....

ANYTIME I FEEL OUT OF CONTROL... I LET GO AND LET GOD HANDLE IT

"Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

It does not matter what is causing your life to be out of control, the solution is always the same -- let go and let God handle it. God will reveal the answers and show you the way to go.
Begin the process right now. Say aloud in prayer -
"I am willing to let go and let God handle everything."

Kinda scary it's so on track!! but it just reinforces what i've been trying to accomplish...

Excellent!

i just want to say that i am so happy today and have been since last night... last night k invited r and i to a banquet for bpw (business & professional women)... k is president of the organization this year and has been trying to get me to join bpw for years now... i am ready! i want to join! and i'm going too!! i had such a good time at the banquet last night, it was so much fun! and to be honest, r is so supportive of bpw, he told me the whole way home, i think you should join, that would be good for you!! it was really quite surprising to me that he was as supportive as he was! but i think he can see that it is an excellent organization and that it would be good for me (even though he might not admit that)! in a way, and i hate to say this and then ruin it, but i feel like a sense of peace is washing over me.... i'm trying my best to be conscious of my anger and to head it off before i get angry... so far so good... i actually had a conversation this morning with my co-worker and didn't want to rip his head off.... today when he does the normal stuff that drives me up the wall i just tell myself, he is so goofy and kinda giggle about it!! i'm really working hard on controlling my anger and trying to make a conscious effort to be a better person! i am hoping that my good mood will stay and that i can keep on doing as good as i've been doing since last night... my cheeks hurt from smiling so much last night... that hasn't happened since our wedding.... it is such a good feeling! i find myself trying to think thoughts that are talked about in the book i'm reading, manifest your destiny, and it seems to be going good! and the past few days i've been seeing all sorts of "signs", if you will allow me to call them that... anything from emails to cards, articles that i read online randomly, all sorts of different places... and all the "signs" are pointing towards what the book is teaching me... it's really exciting! i just can't quit smiling!! it is so awesome how these signs come when i'm needing them... i don't think it's a coincidence but there is a higher power (God) working in each of us (as well as everything in the universe) and i believe that when signs appear as they have been lately for me that is a clue that i need to be paying attention those signs... that i am headed in the right direction.... and that just makes me feel so much better... like i'm moving in the right direction... and i believe i am! and that's what matters, what you believe!!
i haven't said much about the book manifest your destiny (and it might sound a little crazy just from what i've said in my blog) but it's not... it really makes sense... simply put, energy is in all of us and in everything and we have the energy to manifest whatever it is in life that we are looking for or need ... if i would have started reading it a month ago or a year from now i can't say that it would have made me think about it like i am now... i think timing is a key factor regarding things like this... i know that something has been missing from my life for a long time (religion? spirituality?) and i think i've found what has been missing... now i'm working towards developing "my higher self" so that i can recognize and see the energy that is in all of us and that connects all of us... no more being judgemental or looking "down" upon people... i'm working on changing.... i feel that i have accomplished a lot so far (and i may or may not have) but as long as i am moving towards my goal, no matter how slowly, things will just get better... i know that "bad" things will still happen but at least i will be in a better frame/state of mind to deal with the "bad" things.... oddly enough, my infinite awareness quote and prayer today was:

I AM CONNECTED TO THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE

Let us pray:
Dear loving God within,
I am an extension of
You dear God.
And because I am
connected to You...
I am also connected
to the power, the
wisdom... and full
understandings of
the entire universe.
The genius of God
that came through
the great inventors,
the creative masters,
and today's
wondrous idea
people, comes
through me NOW.
Thanks to You dear
God... my power is
beyond reckoning.
Amen & amen.

it all ties in and fits! it is so wonderful! i cannot thank my chiropractor enough for telling me about this book... she has been a wonderful inspiration to me, she said that i remind her a lot of herself when she was my age... if so, she has come a long way!! her and k are both a great inspiration to me! they are both so selfless and giving! so for all of you who have had your fingers crossed for me, keep them crossed!!! i think there is a chance that courtney might be in control!!!

Not too Bad

today hasn't been too bad of a day overall.. unlike yesterday which went from ok to bad to worse... i'm still getting annoyed by my co-worker but i really am working on that... i'm reading a book that i really hope is going to help.... so far i really like it... and i'm really hoping that i can implement what i'm reading into my life.. i thought i'd read it once and then go back and re-read it... let it sink in more, absorb it better.... i'm all about trying to incorporate peace into my life... keep your fingers crossed!!

Last Straw!!

this is it! the last straw! the one that broke the camel's back!!! my button just came off my capri's!!! ok, so now i have no zipper but i have no button as well... and no safety pin! i know i'm supposed to be trying to think positive but man, this sucks!!!

Going Out of My Mind!!!

i swear, i am about to really hurt someone.... i really have no idea how much more i can take!! my co-worker is about to drive me up the freaking wall!!! he's such a moron!!! pull your head out of your ass and it will all be ok!!! and leave me alone while you're at it please!!! don't come talk to me, don't tell me stupid stories, and stupid jokes for that matter, just ignore me and act like i'm not here!!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! EVERYONE!!!!

Just Another Day

this is excellent, the zipper on my capri's just broke (they actually aren't too small believe it or not) and there is not a safety pin to be found up here at work... dead rats the size of my foot (not including the tail) yes but a safety pin, no.... i'm going to make a note to bring a few safety pins to work... never know when you might need one.... luckily i only have an hour and a half left and i have on a longer t-shirt today! whew!! but i am embarassed, even though no one up here knows what happened i'm still embarassed.... oh well, nothing i can do about it now!!

Thank You!!!

it's tuesday and i haven't posted in a while so i thought i would do that while i had some free time... i believe i have the most awesome parents!! momma and daddy are unbelievable, i wish everyone had parents like mine! they never hesitate to help out and have always loved me unconditionally (and that says a lot!!!!)! i only hope they know how much i appreciate them!! momma and daddy came over on friday night and "helped" me put the oven in, more like they installed it and then daddy came over on saturday morning and installed the garbage disposal! it's like having a brand new kitchen!!! i love the oven and disposal, i never thought i would be so excited about an oven and disposal but i am! it's amazing how much you miss things when you don't have them! needless to say, the parents and the new appliances are awesome!! momma and daddy, you are both so amazing, i love you!

Sad?

for some reason, and i'm really not sure why, i've been sad the past week or so.... i really wish i had some sort of inkling as to why i'm sad but i really can't think of anything.... our oven and garbage disposal are in so maybe we can try to get that installed this weekend.... things are going good... i mean, there's nothing bad going on, but for some reason i just can't seem to shake the blues that i've been having the past week.... i tried talking to r about it and he said that i just need to get over whatever it is.... (and i know that it seems when i blog about him i'm down on him and all over him, but, it's really not like that, i love him and would do anything for him... he really is an awesome person, this is just my "vent freely option").... it seems he doesn't understand that i'm just sad... i can't pinpoint why or even come up with any sort of idea... i guess he thinks that you have to have a reason or know why you're sad... that you just can't be sad for no reason.... maybe if i believed that way i wouldn't be sad... r and i were talking last night and he said, you have no reason not to be happy.... we've both got good jobs, a nice house, good cars, 2 wonderful "kids", and everything is going good.... he said you just have to be thankful for what you have and don't worry about what you don't have... don't let what you don't have get you down... it shouldn't, that's what we're working for/towards... he's right and i know he's right but for some reason i just can't seem to shake the sadness... i'm kinda feeling the way i was feeling at cingular but not as bad.... which is good! i thought that i just felt that way because i was at cingular and hated my job!! i don't hate my job now, not even my co-worker.... he just annoys me (even though i really am trying to control my emotions toward him)... i really don't know if he's doing the things he does on purpose or not... r seems to think not.... some of it might be but for the most part i think he's just getting old and his mind is slipping... which has to be scary.... i really am trying to keep that in the back of my mind and just let things go... i do feel better after blogging this but i'm still sad... maybe the sadness will pass! i know it will pass but hopefully it will pass soon....

Raise!

good things are happening!!! our boss just called and said to give everyone $0.50 raise for cost of living due to the increased gas prices and everything... he is awesome!!! i really like my boss!! he is probably the best boss that i have ever had!!! you go T!!!!

Worn Smooth Out

well, it's tuesday and my plan for getting to bed early last night didn't work so well.. i am worn smooth out... i have been so tired lately... part of it is because, as silly as this sounds, i have been having really bad scary nightmares.... they're the dreams that you can't remember but when you wake up you feel uneasy and like you didn't sleep very good at all.... this morning i woke up crying... i can't remember why either.... i thought maybe it was the nyquil making me have bad dreams but for the past two nights i haven't taken any and have still had nightmares... this happens occasionally.... i went thru a really bad spell of nightmares when i was coming off the oxycontins... i'm not on anything now, well, occasionally i'll take a pain pill or xanax when needed but no more just taking them to take them.... i am just ready to get some good sleep...
on top of having nightmares my sleep has been really restless.... i'll sleep really good for about 3, maybe 4 hours if i'm really lucky, then wake up and toss and turn until it's time to get up... then when i get up i'm so tired.... but the weird thing is that my dreams have continuing even after i wake up and when i finally get back to sleep... i haven't changed any meds or anything recently... i'm trying to think if i've been doing anything different that might be affecting my sleep... all i know is that i am tired!!! i would love to go home and crawl in bed right now!! i could sleep all day long (and then i know i wouldn't be able to sleep tonight!).... and as far as sleeping in on the weekends, i've been getting up on saturdays and sundays by 10 (which is good for me!), with the exception of this sunday... r and i slept until almost 1:00... but i didn't get home from the 3 doors down concert and walmart until 1:30(ish)... and r got home after me... i can't even tell you what time it was, i was trying so hard to stay awake but that didn't work too well.... i finally went to sleep about 7am sunday morning.... well, i tried to sleep from about 2am to 7am and it was just restless tossing and turning.... i know this can't go on forever, eventually i'll get tired enough and just sleep... i've just been grouchy though and i'm kinda tired of that....
on a totally different note, 2 men just came in here to talk to my co-worker about maybe paying us to use one of our buildings to paint some very large steel objects in and he was so rude!! i was so embarassed to be sitting in here with him talking to them like that.... i just wanted to crawl under my desk.... i did get up and go to the back... for being such a "good christian man" you would think he would abide by the golden rule, treat others like you wish to be treated.... he doesn't though, he is such an ass.... he gets all worked up when people are rude to him and he'll slam the phone down or just be plain rude back, no killing them with kindness for him... (i'm working on that though).... i wish he would just take a step back and look at himself and see how he's acting.... FOOL!

Case of the Thursdays?

it's thursday morning, not even 9:30 and i am pretty much done with my work for today.... that must mean it's going to be a long day... that's what i was thinking before i even got here this morning, actually, that was one of my first thoughts today.... i sure would like to be at home with the kitties today.... it's cool and rainy outside, perfect day to lounge around the house, but there will be time for that later.... i'm down today and i don't know why.... i wish i did but i don't... maybe my mood will improve, hopefully!! otherwise it's going to be a really long day!

D Day!!

as my friend posted in her blog, today is D-Day!! for Doom's Day, Divorce Day, and/or Disaster Day!!! it is official, nick and jessica are splitting!!! this is not good news for the rest of us who, as embarassed as i am to say this, look up to them... maybe look up isn't the right choice of words, maybe just curious to see how the "others" live.... they always seemed so happy, especially in newlyweds... i mean, you wouldn't expect any less but, divorce!! really?!?!?! i mean first it was jennifer and brad... now nick and jessica... man alive!!!
on a different note, i am having a good week! things haven't gone too bad this week... even though i didn't get a lunch again today... my co-worker was just going to run to pick up some bolts real quick (15-20 minutes tops!) and be right back so i could eat lunch... he was gone over an hour (AND he forgot to drop off the bolts that he just had to run and get so they're still in the back of his truck, it sure is a good thing he had to go right then to get them! blithering idiot!!!) i mean, come on!!! how hard is it to pull your head out of your ass? apparently for him (and much of the male species) practically impossible!! so no lunch for me today... i am trying like hell to not get mad about it too... i mean, if he would eat lunch when he normally does, instead of i feel like, trying to screw me out of my lunch (or whatever else it might be) then i would have a chance to eat... but he's losing his damn mind so can i really hold him responsible? yes, i think so, he seems to be doing it on purpose... so my goal is to make his life as damn miserable as i possibly can.... ok, i know that shouldn't be my goal but now i'm getting pissed.... and i guess i'm pissed at me too because i just bite my tongue and never say anything... i don't know how much longer i'm going to be able to do that and i am scared that one day i'm just going to go off on him... but that's ok, it's just like talking to grandma c, it just goes in one ear and out the other... he usually interrupts me while i'm talking and then doesn't stop, he just keeps on talking... ok, because i wasn't saying anything... but besides starving right now the day has been pretty good!!
i found this article online about grudges... i really need to work through this grudge with grandma c... not so that i can forgive her per say but so i can let it go.... the grudge i'm holding against her isn't hurting her, it's hurting me... she has no idea i'm not happy with her... maybe that's what i'll work on this afternoon.... maybe i'll just sit here and stew, who knows... i don't have very much left to do this week... i'm trying to save something to do tomorrow!!

This is how I feel today.

Astounding!

it never ceases to amaze me how quick your day can go from good to bad just like that... i woke up this morning and was in such a good mood.... i was even in a good mood when i got to work! and somehow managed to stay in a good mood until my "other half" called... last night when "we" (and i say it like that because r rode with me but stayed in the car while i took murph in) dropped murph off at the vet i started crying when i walked out of the vet's office... r said, we shouldn't have even got a cat, you can't handle it... i was like, sorry i displayed any sort of emotion... my fault! all night long he kept asking, what's wrong... i would say, i miss murph... so it's not like he didn't know i was upset by murph being gone... today he calls me at work and says, um, the vet just called... i said, what did they say? he said, you're not going to like this, i don't know how to tell you this... i'm like, WHAT? WHAT? he won't tell me and keeps saying crap like he was saying and then he's finally like, nothing, he's ok, everything is fine and he's ready to be picked up.... last night they told me he wouldn't be ready to be picked up until 3 or 4 so i was thinking, not a problem, i'll just run by and get him on my way home... r asked me if i wanted him to go get murph and i said, sure, that would be great! then he starts in on how stressed out he is and how he hates doing anything before work and how he doesn't like doctors or vets (because you know i just love them!) and doesn't really want to go get murph... that would only be adding more stress to him.... i mean, he only had 2 hours before he had to leave for work so i could see where he might not have enough time because the vet is maybe 5 minutes away.... and i mean, it's so stressful picking him up, you go in, get murph, and pay... then he gets mad at me because i didn't think his "little joke" was funny and because i'm "guilt-tripping" him about not going to get murph.... that's fine, not a problem, i'll just take care of it like i take care of everything else around the damn house! he doesn't like to do anything before work, whatever, he never likes to do anything unless it involves sitting on the couch on his fat ass and watching tv... fine, so i'll just go by and get murph when i get off work, hopefully not too late because today is the last day of the 3rd quarter and we always have a lot of stuff to do the last day of the quarter... but, i mean, i sure would hate to express that to r because i might be "guilt-tripping" him or something... the vet doesn't close until 7 but i would like to be there somewhat early... i don't want murph to think he is going to have to stay there forever... which brings me to my second gripe....
work, and especially the last day of the quarter, is busy.... my freaking idiot co-worker is in there in his office goofing around, like usual, and i look down and happen to notice the time, 12:45... he usually eats by 12:30.... but not today.... he's in there looking at his calendar, walking around his office, not doing anything of any importance, and then both foremen call and are ready to pull inventory tags.... so he runs in there and eats lunch real quick and is like, um, do you want to eat real fast? i said, well, i didn't bring anything, i'll have to go get something... he said, well, the foreman over at this shop is ready to pull tags now.... so out he goes and on the way out the door he says, i should be back in about an hour... thanks, so i can maybe eat lunch at two? but by then the other foreman will be ready to pull inventory tags so i guess that means that i get no lunch today... it's no big deal, i've only been starving since about 10ish... but, i'm just the secretary, no one of any importance so it's no big deal if i get to eat lunch or not... only half of my billing was done when i got here, which i'm glad half of it was done, but i sure would like to get the other half done before say 5ish... but we'll just have to see....
i mean, i guess if i don't get off work in time to get murph he can just stay another night... no biggie, he's just a cat, it's not like i treat him or love him like my kid or anything.... and speaking of that, if r won't even go get the cat from the vet how helpful is he going to be if we have a kid? great, that's what i have to look forward too... i'll just keep the cats thanks!
i am so pissed off right now it's not even funny!!! i want to literally explode... i'm trying to play it cool but man, it is so hard!!! like i said earlier, it just blows my mind how your day can go to hell in such a short period of time.... all within an hour!
well, my loaner typewriter is gone... i have the original back... i'm about to break out the instruction manual so i can figure out how to use it again... i had to learn to use so many different typewriters while mine was being repaired that i don't remember how to use this one.... oh well, it will give me something to do in my free time right now... that way i can bust my ass later trying to get out of here on time....
another thing, k, my best friend, asked me i wanted to go see 3 doors down in concert here on a saturday night and i was like, yeah! that will be fun!! so i'm telling r about it and he's like, well, what am i going to do then? i said, i don't know... he asked what k's husband was doing and i said going to a modified race... r's reply, fine, i'll just sit at home by myself while you go out and have fun.... i felt bad about it this morning but now i'm like, sit at home by yourself then! i really don't give a damn!!
tomorrow night is the annual "knights of columbus dinner" for work... the owner of my company buys a ticket for everyone that works here and the tickets are $100 each... they have a steak dinner, door prizes, and a raffle.... we went last year with k and her husband and it was fun... k and her husband aren't going this year and i kinda want to go because i feel bad that the owner spent that much money on tickets.... r is all pissed off because k and her husband aren't going... i had only worked here a little over a month last year so the owner wanted me to invite k and her husband, b, so that r and i would feel more comfortable... so i did and it was a good time! they weren't invited this year and now r doesn't want to go... fine with me, i may see if k wants to go.... then r can just sit at home by himself... don't get me wrong, i do love him but man, he just irritates me to no end sometimes....

Feelin' Better

i must say that i am feeling better.... emotionally and physically.... better than i have in a long time... the chiropractor got my headaches under control (i think anyways!)... my back hasn't really been bothering me.... and i'm not sad, i'm happy.... that is awesome! i have to say that i haven't felt this good, all over, in quite a while! and that makes me so happy!! it gives me much hope that things are on the upswing for a while! and this morning when i was driving to work and having so much trouble getting gas, broken pumps & crazy people, i was getting really frustrated and angry..... then i started thinking about it and everything happens for a reason... it seemed that the morning was starting out a disaster and then i was like, well, maybe not.... i was thinking about an email regarding 9/11 and about how people's lives were saved because of certain things that had happened to them that morning... no major disaster occurred this morning but i'm trying really hard to be conscious of my thoughts and to stay positive...

positive thought for today: What you think about is what you get. Being conscious of your thoughts is the first step in transforming your reality.

Momma is Awesome!

they say that your momma always knows how to make you feel better... this is so true... my last blog was about murph and how i was so sad that he had to spend the night in a little cage... thanks to momma she was able to put a positive spin on it for me and now i feel much better... maybe murph will even be excited (ok, maybe not excited but maybe it won't bother him so much, if it even does at all!).... here is what momma said in reply to my sadness....

Murph won't be all alone. There will be lots of other interesting pets there that he can check out from the safety of his own private room. See, if you think of it as a 5 star hotel room (because of what you're paying) he's getting a little vacation with room service, good food and personal attendants. :)

mom i do have to say that you are so awesome! thank you for everything that you have done for me (and my "family").... i love you more than you know and truly appreciate you and daddy both! you are wonderful parents and i couldn't ask for any better!!!

Tribute To Murph

this is my tribute to murph... r and i are taking the poor little guy to board him tonight so he can get fixed in the morning.... i'm so sad thinking that he has to spend the night in a little cage with no food, water, or toys... i'm packing his rat though so maybe that will make him feel better and he will realize that i'm coming back to get him as soon as i get off work on friday! i just wish i could explain to him that he hasn't been a bad kitty, he's a good kitty and this is for his own good... i've been giving him lots of extra love and affection lately hoping he'll know that we do love him and he is coming home! i had to take a xanax because i was just sitting here waiting to bawl like a little baby... i know the vet will treat him well, that's not what i'm worried about... i'm worried about what poor little murph is going to be thinking.... hopefully today and tomorrow will go by fast so i can get murph back! i already miss him and he's just at home! at least i know i'm not the only one who feels like this.... that is reassuring! i have to go pay bills for work now, more later!

i am so sad.... it's my own doing but i'm still sad... and it's only going to get worse between now and friday.... i just called the vet and made an appointment for murphy to get "fixed" on friday.... i know it's for the best that we get him fixed but it just makes me so sad!!!! we're going to board him thursday night (that's SO sad!!!) and then i'll pick him up after work on friday.... he has to wear a "lampshade" for a couple of days so that he won't mess with his incisions... poor little guy... i am so sad by the fact that we're going to leave him overnight... i think that's probably easier than trying to "starve" him and mazzy both thursday night.... mazzy will probably enjoy the vacation though.... poor little murph.... i hope he doesn't hold a grudge like mazzy does.... hopefully it will go smooth, i'm sure it will... the only problem that i'm sure we will have will be me... dealing with boarding him overnight... i sure will miss him (i act like he's going to be gone forever!! not just overnight!!)... i know i'll miss him even though he wakes me up between 4am and 5am every morning to play or for treats.... poor murphster!!!

well, it's monday again, my most unfavorite day of the week... i'm not in a good mood but i'm not really in a bad mood either... just indifferent i guess.... there hasn't been much going on... i'm feeling better and we got our insurance checks.... the adjustor accidentally left the oven off the statement though so he's cutting us another check for the oven.... r and i have been oven shopping, not very exciting, but it really needs to be done, i am really missing the oven... anyways, i'm about to call the vet to see if we can get murph in friday to get him fixed.... and that's about it... i've already got all my "monday" work done.... so i'm just sitting here now... bored, but that's ok....
i'm not taking as many pills as i was.... i'm taking a whole lot less actually... and i don't feel too bad.... i'm still just trying to take everything day by day and not let myself get stressed out over little stuff, i.e. my coworker.. he is so very irritating and reminds me of grandma c.... yuck! hopefully he'll retire or just work part-time soon! i could only hope so!! but then who knows who i'll be working with!! that could be just as scary.... until later i suppose....

once again, it's been a while since i've posted... there's been a lot going on, at least it feels that way... i'm feeling better!! glad that the strep throat and sinus infection are on their way out! work has been stressful but that's ok.... we're really busy, we actually have more than enough work to last thru the beginning of the year... that's ok by me, job security!
i talked to the insurance adjustor today and after "closing out the claim" 2 1/2 weeks ago he said that the check will be in the mail tomorrow... so maybe we can go oven hunting this weekend.... k and i went and looked saturday night for a few minutes and the oven we have now is big! and go figure it's built in... but that's ok... hopefully our insurance will do us right!
right now i'm trying to take one day at a time and not let all the "petty" stuff bother me.... i think i'm doing ok.... considering all the pills that i'm NOT on right now... that makes me feel better! needless to say i don't know much... considering that i haven't been writing much lately i feel that i should just have tons of stuff to say... oh yeah, the low cholesterol diet... well, i'm making a conscious effort to watch my cholesterol intake... and i think i'm doing better.... maybe not as good as i could be doing but better than i was doing... baby steps though right? after all i feel that i'm trying to implement multiple changes in my life right now and i think baby steps are the way to go... that way it's not too much at once... anyways, until whenever....