Frustrated

i woke up this morning frustrated and i'm not 100% sure why... i had a really bad dream last night... i woke up about 3 this morning sweating, my side of the bed was just soaked, so was my hair, pj's, everything! needless to say, it was not a happy dream... plus, r has been cranky in the night and the mornings towards the kitties... their schedules are crazy right now and they either want to play or want treats all thru the early morning hours... mazzy went thru this but luckily she "grew out of it"... i'm hoping murph will too... not getting a good nights sleep may have something to do with why i'm cranky....
i also wanted to clarify something... i said in my blog yesterday that christmas was my favorite time of the year.... it is, but not because of the presents, at all!! it's because the whole family is there... not just the "thanksgiving" part of the family but the whole family! (and contrary to what people might think) i do love my family... mom's side of the family is awesome! there are some people that i miss on daddy's side of the family but i really look forward to seeing mom's side of the family.... maybe it's because everyone keeps coming back at christmas (and have for as long as i can remember)... i realize that it's not possible for everyone, i.e. dad's side of the family, to come back and that's ok... no hard feelings at all... i really enjoy getting to see s and uncle g... uncle g is really awesome because he has the neatest stories to tell..... places he's traveled... what's he doing.... and he just does his own thing.... that is fascinating to me...
i was kinda down yesterday and today but i'm trying to not let it get to me.. i know the headache that developed last night isn't helping any... it feels like the left side of my head is about to blow up....
on that note, i've been thinking and i think i don't like me... i realize that needs some clarification but i'm not happy with what i think about when i think of me... so i need to change my thoughts, i realize that.... i'm working on that... it's a lot easier to change your thoughts regarding something or someone else than it is regarding you... i could just think, i'm not.. whatever it is i'm thinking about myself but that is hard because i don't really believe it... you must believe what it is you're thinking and when it comes to myself i'm having a hard time with that... i must work on this some more... i think pms may be part of the problem too right now.... anyways, when i think about me, most of the time, i don't think positive thoughts... they're negative and not nice... i don't see why i shouldn't be able to think about me in the same light that i am trying to think about everyone else... more positive, less negative. i didn't get this way overnight so i'm not going to be (and shouldn't expect to) change overnight... baby steps i keep telling myself...
speaking of changing the way you think, i got the results back from my cat scan... nothing showed up... which is good news, i'm glad.... so, does that mean that there is nothing wrong with my body or head to be causing my headaches? i don't know... i surely can't imagine that these headaches are all in my head and have been there for years... maybe they have... do i just think the headaches away? that's what i'm going to try to do i guess... i don't know what else to do... since i've had "every test known to man" done and nothing is wrong with me i'm stumped.... i feel like such a hypochondriac, that there is always something wrong with me... i can never just be happy and well... what i wouldn't give just to be happy and well though! no more headaches, like this anyways... what a relief! no more back problems and pain... no more depression and anxiety... life would be so awesome! i'm not saying that it can't be that way, currently that's just not my outlook.... anyways, i just thought i'd blog some of the stuff that has been tumbling around in my head the past couple of days.... get it out of my head and maybe i'll feel a little better! keep your fingers crossed!!