Down but Not Out

it's been a long week... i would say a long month but i don't really think that december has been that bad... i just need to adjust my attitude, but like i said yesterday i just don't really care... and to be perfectly honest, i don't really care about anything right now... r has been stressed lately and that makes communication difficult... and if communication is difficult then everything else is going to be strained... so not only is work driving me nuts so is not being able to talk to r, really talk to him... he's been driving me nuts though lately too... but i think that's just because he's stressed and i'm stressed and we're both just really edgy, it's a vicious circle isn't it?
this is nuts, i just took a little break and turned on some tunes and i must say, i'm feeling a tad bit better... almost like i'm afraid to let myself feel better... obviously i missed the computer a little bit... and missed my tunes a little bit... that's kinda crazy (scary?) how something can change your attitude like that... i wonder if that's normal... no pills though! that is a good thing (i just realized that!!) maybe i got angry so that i would acknowledge that i am control of me! (and my thoughts, attitude, everything!!) (is this crazy?!?! i feel kinda nuts, especially writing about it... is it normal to have such "mood swings?")... maybe it was a combination of things, blogging, the tunes, just getting it all out at home (not at work)... whatever the reason, i feel much better now!! i am in an excellent mood!!
all of r's christmas presents are here except for two... and i hate to say that it was the two that i was most excited about... that's ok though, he'll just get a late christmas present... that's a positive! who knows, maybe they'll come in tomorrow... it wouldn't be such a problem except that i'm having them delivered to work and we're on vacation next week... it will all work out though!!
the computer desk came in yesterday... i'm glad that r took the day off so he was here to sign for it... the driver helped him move it into the garage, very nice, it was SO heavy!! we moved it in piece by piece and he put it together... i was "helping" for the first part but i think i might have been a little more stressful so i started playing kingdom hearts, helping out when he needed me too... it was an experience i can say for sure... hopefully i'll be smart enough to remember that the next time we're both stressed out it's probably not a good idea to try to assemble a huge L shaped computer desk... it had some crazy unreal number of pieces.. it is assembled though and i'm happy with it... i must say it looks really good in here! maybe one day we can get the new vertical blinds up! between the new carpet, the new computer desk, and the new vertical blinds it's looking really good in here! (i'm sure the massive cleaning job has something to do with it too!)
i got my hair done tonight and i really like it! it's getting long, for me anyways... my hairdresser's mom was in there when i first got there (and i've known her since we were in 3rd grade) and her mom was talking about this bookkeeper that they hired and how she's not doing a good job... my hairdresser, s, said well you should have hired me.. then we got to discussing salary and bonuses... man, it's crazy! and s's dad is running the company now... he's the big boss man... very tempting but at the same time i have to say that i've got it good... my job is very cushy... plus, my boss is awesome! i really like him.. the co-worker, well, he's just old, but the boss is excellent! i couldn't ask for a better boss!! speaking of work, i think i'm going to use my christmas bonus for a massage... i could put it towards bills but man, i'd really like to have a massage... plus, it's christmas and i haven't had a massage in a long time!! right after the holidays, that would be nice... i just realized why r is stressed, the holidays! duh! he always stresses during the holidays!! you'd think i'd remember that by now!!
going back and rereading this post... is it normal to have such random crazy thoughts and mood swings? my mind just seems to jump from one thing to another... i mean, i've been angry for a few days, it's been growing, but now i feel better... i don't know exactly what it was or what combination of things changed my attitude and thoughts in such a short period of time.. that's kinda scary to me, maybe?!? as mom says, i made an elephant out of a mosquito... but that's ok because my "angry spell" didn't last that long... and i realized that this was a lesson to me... i learned and realized (and now believe) that i can control my emotions and thoughts... i anticipate hard/bad times but that's to be expected... the challenges are there to teach us lessons... i need to find the positive in every situation! i can and will deal with the challenges as they come to me.. everything happens for a reason....
*somehow this ended up being a somewhat conscious stream of thought... sorry if it bored you to tears... i'm still somewhat indecisive about actually posting it.. we'll see if anyone else ever reads it...