The Holidays

I’m not really sure it it’s the time of year of if it’s pms or a combination of both… this time of year kinda always brings me down and makes me sad… I love Fall… I love watching the leaves change color and fall, I love the time change, I love the weather getting colder… the holidays leave me feeling a bit blue and anxious though… my anxiety starts to kick in when I realize that the holidays are getting closer and that I’m going to have to see people (yes, even my family) that I don’t get to see that much… for some reason, seeing people that I haven’t seen in forever gets me all worked up… why? I don’t know, I haven’t delved into that issue yet… this will be r and I’s 6th holiday season together… Christmas stresses him out too… so you can only imagine how “pleasant” things are at our house around the holidays… just a tad bit on the stressful side even though we’re supposed to be enjoying this time of year… r and I have yet to have a “real” Christmas… I had a real tree in our apartment and then the first year in our house but unfortunately no presents to go under them… well, r gets “exciting” things… socks, underroos, a couple of shirts, stuff like that… last year I really made an effort to get him a few things… he has yet to get me anything except for the first year we were together… I’m not really sure if that upsets me or not… I guess it kinda does… it would be nice for him to surprise me one year (birthday, Christmas, anniversary)… knowing his family though, it doesn’t really surprise me… his mom isn’t sure when any of her 3 kids birthdays are… the holidays and family gatherings have never been a big deal to them, just another day… they don’t really celebrate birthdays or our anniversary either… his mom called one year on the wrong day to wish him happy b-day… that made me feel horrible and it really had nothing to do with me… my family is completely different though… santa still comes to momma and daddy’s house and leaves us gifts… birthdays , holidays, and special occasions are celebrated…. I realize that all families are different but I could just never imagine any family being the way r’s family is until I met them… I used to really love Christmas, it was my most favorite holiday… not for the gifts either, just to see family that I never get to see… I’m not sure what happened or changed except I know it was something inside of me… i guess I feel like r and I are starting to be like his family, not celebrating anything.. but i'm not sure if that upsets me as much as being so embarassed as i am when someone asks me what r & i exchanged and then they proceed to tell me all the wonderful things that they were given… i know i shouldn't compare myself to my friends, or anyone else, but it's really hard especially during the holidays when presents are such a big deal... that makes me sad and brings me down… actually, writing this has made me cry... on a positive note though, material things don't bring happiness, it's the immaterial things that count... and i know that r loves me...
Sorry, I’m just having a little pity party for myself… I’m sure in a little while (or even a day or two) my mania will kick in and I’ll be saying something completely opposite of what I’m blogging now… (gosh dang my blog is getting depressing)...

Happy Halloween!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

i just wanted to say happy halloween!! i've been trying to post a pic but my photobucket doesn't work on my work computer for some reason... (i sure hate pms-ing because it makes me so dang sensitive and it is so easy to hurt my feelings!!)

Addicted

blogging, which led to reading others blogs, has really been an experience for me... i have learned that i'm not the only one out there who thinks these thoughts or has these same questions... that makes me feel so much better about myself!!! (i kinda feel it's had a big impact on me -me and all my craziness taken into consideration!- is that nuts?!?!)

You know you're addicted to Blogging when....:
1. You know you're addicted to blogging, when you're blogging about blogging!
2. You're listening to the news and think, "I should blog about that!". Your friend shares an embarrassing story, and your response is "You should blog that!".
3. You get that giddy, tingly feeling when you see you have a comment!
4. You feel guilty if you haven't posted something in a week!
5. You're starting to like your blogger friends better than your "real life" friends!
6. You know you're addicted when you have an insight in the middle of the night, or some other time during your real life, and can't wait to post it when you get to work.
7. You know you're addicted when you carry a voice activated tape recorder with you so you don't miss any brilliant moments of discovery to share with other bloggers......you know, the REAL people in your life!
8. Your addicted when you can't sleep from the stories swirling thru your brain! and you start more than one space! and the only friends you talk to are your space buddies!

is anyone else addicted to blogging?! blogging is just one of my many addictions.. you don't have to deal with anyone in person... it almost drives me crazy to make commitments to do stuff... could be because i'm kinda anti-social... (at least i can admit it now!)

Awesome

i must say that this new beta blogger is quite the sh*t!! it hardly took me anytime at all to get my blog to look the way i wanted it too!! yeah!! i thought it was going to be way dang difficult!! i'm so glad it wasn't! now i don't have to find a new blog home!!

Various Tidbits

I’m not sure where I’m going with this exactly… this morning I got up, early!, and was in such a good mood!! (Even for a Monday!! I wasn’t even dreading today!!) I had extra time so I gave the kitties a little extra love and then headed off to work… I guess before I go much farther I should mention that work got broken into this weekend…. someone (it had to be an employee- they had to know where we kept the petty cash) broke out the glass in the front door and stole one concrete drill & the petty cash (about $400) and then left… my boss called Saturday to tell me what had happened and to ask me a few questions about the petty cash and the checkbook… this morning my co-worker (yes, the dreaded one) came in here to tell me the “big” story about this weekend and I said, yeah, that’s what I heard, t called me on Saturday and told me… his reply, oh, he called you? Um, yeah, didn’t I just say that?! Ok, so apparently that pissed him off and he continued to make rude ugly comments to me… I’m pms-ing and am very sensitive and he had me in tears… I did not let him know that because he is trying to get under my skin (that makes him feel so much better!!)…. (I know, childish)… my mood turned foul very quick and I’m working on getting out of the funk… for the most part, I’m out of it… I’m trying not to think about it because it still irritates me… I know that I am the only one who can let him bother me and I am working really hard on not letting him bother me… I can’t help it if he is unhappy with his life and the decisions he made and is taking it out on me… what really pisses me off though is the way he talks about what a good Christian person he is… his words and his actions don’t match up! I know that mine don’t either all the time but I don’t walk around acting like I’m holier than every one else… ok, my rant about him is over now…. Just let it go… (I would really like to do some yoga tonight but I’m not sure about the wrist… maybe if I wear my splint…) … keep thinking: he can’t get to me if I don’t let him….

I have come to a few realizations over the past several days…
1) I really am happy with my life right now… I am happy with the progress that I’ve made working on my attitude… getting rid of all the negative ugly things that constantly plagued my thoughts, feelings, and life…
2) I am happy with the restaurant (and very proud at the same time)… I’m so proud of r too… he is doing such a dang good job!! I only hope that as time goes on (hopefully sooner than later) he will be able to de-stress and enjoy everything that we have accomplished...
3) I am not “lacking” anything in my life… Friday I was looking thru this week in pictures and realized that what I consider the “basics” of my life are not really the “basics”… cell phone (or even a phone), cable/dish, massages, eating out, getting my hair done, things like this are not required for me to survive… I think they are but they’re really not… I sit here and blog about how we were put in a bind because of our ex-waitress but in all reality, I need to change the way I look at things…

Cat & Cheese Funny

All By Myself...

it looks like all my friends decided to take today off and not let me know... hehe... not that any of them work with me but they're my emailing friends to help the day go by a little faster... that's ok though... today's friday and i'm ready for 5!!! i'm just really ready to not have to do anything... that's all... i just wanted to say i'm all by myself (and when you say that you're supposed to be singing it in a horribly high-pitched voice, trying to drum up some sympathy).... hehe

No News Really

so i went to the dr. yesterday... i did find out that i have an upper respiratory infection... not a big surprise since you have absolutely no idea what the weather is going to be like in north texas (i remember wearing flip flops and shorts at christmas one year!)... last night the weather man said, tomorrow- warm & windy... he got the windy part right but the warm, well, it doesn't look like it's going to turn out that way... ah, so back to the dr. visit... as for the wrist, well, we had xrays done... she said if it was a cyst you would be able to see light thru it on the xray... no light, it was just a grayish-black lump... also, it doesn't look like a fracture.... if you just look at my wrist you can see where it's swollen down my arm a bit (and the growth keeps on growing).. it looks like that little bone on the inside of your wrist is poking out... yuck!! it's still hurting to move it now so i've been wearing a wrist splint so that my wrist won't move as much and it might not hurt as much... i can only imagine how cool i look... not that i really care, i personally think it's quite hilarious... i told her about my family's history of cancer and she didn't really say much about that except that she doesn't think it's cancer... she wanted to have a radiologist look at the xrays though to see what he thought... she gave me some anti-inflammatories to take as well as antibiotics and zyrtec for my sinuses... said to watch the wrist and to call her in 2 weeks if it pretty much stays the same... if it starts to hurt worse or keeps growing to give her a call asap... so for now we're just playing it by ear and we'll see what happens...
i cleaned house last night, that's always big fun... the restaurant was busy yesterday which is good!! of course r was like, we were so dang busy today i didn't even have time to slow down... ok, so i think i have him figured out... he's "mad" if we're slow and "mad" if we're busy... now that is excellent!! my thoughts, that's a man for you!! hehe... his brother (and his band) stopped by the restaurant on their way to colorado... his dad and his dad's girlfriend met them out there... there were a total of 10 of them at their table, 8 in the band (they have good music but for some reason when i listen to the music it reminds me of charles manson and his little clan... it might be the fact that there is like a billion of them in the band, but like i said, the tunes are good!)... we had a new waitress working yesterday (picking up shifts when someone needs off) and they tipped her $6!!! that's it!! all 10 of them!! i felt so bad because the waitress is the girlfriend of one of the guys i work with... plus, they're both friends... r gave them half of the meal and they tipped her $6!! i've been out to eat with my "extended" family and they are the ones that are not scared to complain or gripe... i sure hope they didn't act that way with her... not only would she get attitude but she would get a lousy tip...
thought for the day: at the basis of all anger is fear. fear not.
(ah, this is so true as much as i hate to admit it!!)

Update

i called the dr. and made an appt. for 1:45 this afternoon to see if she can give me something for my sinuses and to look at the cyst... i'm not that worried about the cyst, i just want to get it checked out... last night i found out that my aunt's cancer is right next to her spine and that once it gets into the bone they can't treat it anymore so they're trying to be really aggressive in their treatments... mom had a tiny bit of skin cancer removed this summer... she said it was nothing big, just a little spot... knowing now that there is a history of cancer in my family (dad's dad had cancer, dad's sister is the one who has cancer on her back) and that just makes me want to be cautious... i'm sure the chances of it being something "bad" are slim to none but in my opinion, preventive maintenance is always the best!!
after talking to momma last night and finding out about my aunt, (know i now where my selective reality comes from!! it's genetic!!) i realized that life is so short... you never know what's going to happen... you can only try to prepare the best that you can... i've blogged before about my crazy, mean grandma (dad's mom) and last night i had a realization that me not forgiving her and holding a grudge against her is not hurting her, it's hurting me... i don't think she even knows she hurt my feelings, about 6 years ago... i just wouldn't let it go for some reason... i have now... that's just the way she is and i can't change that... i have a card that says: You cannot change other people. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog into a cat, or a cat into a horse. They are what they are; you are what you are.
it's as "simple" as that... i just need to accept her the way she is... done deal.

Owie!!

I’m trying to think this morning which is a little on the difficult side because my head is all clogged up with drainage from my sinuses… I think I would like to have my sinuses removed thank you… I really don’t need them (in my opinion) and they just seem to cause me trouble… hehe…
Momma and I went to eat last night at the restaurant and it was so good… I haven’t had anything that was bad but it’s still difficult for me to say, our food was so good, not the food was so good… I think it’s one of those things that will get easier as time goes on.. kinda like changing your last name and then trying to remember to sign your “new” name or when the year changes and I keep writing the year before… ok, so maybe I’m just a bit slow…
The other night my wrist started hurting but I didn’t really think anything about it because sometimes they hurt after yoga, too much weight to support I suppose, hehe… but I haven’t done yoga in over 2 weeks… I just put one of my wrist braces on and kept on going… I’ve noticed that when I bend my wrist a certain way it really hurts… a lump has developed and it really hurts to touch it (and around the whole general vicinity)… and it’s still growing… dang! I was telling r about it last night and this was our conversation:
Me: I think I have a cyst on my wrist.
R: I had one of those a long time ago. Mom took me to the dr. and he told me that they were going to have to break it up and there were 2 ways they could do it. 1) with a needle or 2) he could just “smash” it… before he knew what was happening the dr. had smashed my wrist between 2 huge books… it hurt like hell but the cyst went away and it hasn’t come back…
Me: nice, remind me not to tell you about anything anymore.. hehe
R: chunk, a guy he worked with at his previous job, had a cyst on his wrist so I told him my experience and we decided I would smash it with a hammer… I only held the hammer about 4” about the cyst and then smashed it… he hit the floor it hurt so bad but it hasn’t come back… so, there’s no reason to go to the dr., I can take care of it…

I’m thinking um, no thank you… you have a lot of skills and abilities but you are not a dr. and I really don’t want you smashing my wrist with anything.. nothing personal… I’m just going to keep an eye on it and see what happens…

Jokes

2 jokes that always crack me up...

Two cannibals were eating a clown and one cannibal said to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"

What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom? you're a fungi (fun-gi)

hehehe.... these are usually always bound to put me in a good mood... i love the simple jokes!!

Thinking From the End

i've been re-reading manifest your destiny by wayne dyer and i really like this... i am trying to start thinking from the end regarding everything in my life...

Act as if anything you desire is already here. Think from the end. That is, assume within yourself the feeling of the wish being fulfilled, and keep this vision regardless of the obstacles that emerge. Eventually you’ll act on this end thinking, and the universe will collaborate with you. Believe that all that you seek you’ve already received, that it exists in spirit, and know that you shall have your desires filled. Treat yourself as if you already are what you’d like to become.

Sleeping and Eating

i know, my 3rd post for today so far… I wanted to blog this weekend but well, between eating and sleeping I just couldn’t seem to find time… I felt bad about doing absolutely nothing this weekend and then decided I shouldn’t… it’s nice to just take time off and do nothing!! R was productive this Sunday though… he cleaned out the 2nd bedroom, well, now you can walk in it… I had redone our bedroom in may and the stuff was still in the 2nd bedroom… oops… so he cleaned that up…
all weekend long I napped/slept… and if I wasn’t sleeping I was eating… dang!! As I mentioned the other day I have been coping with my stress in self-destructive ways… no yoga, no meditating… one of my self-destructive coping skills- eating!!! I’ve been eating everything in sight… to my surprise I’ve only gained 11lbs of the 49.5 that I’ve lost this year (I’m going to start working on losing those 11lbs again and hopefully more)… I am really going to start doing better though… starting today… I don’t know if I would ever admit this to anyone but km but this past week I’ve eaten so much cookie dough… you know, the frozen pre-cut cookies that you buy from the kids for fundraisers… 3lbs of raw cookie dough… 48 cookies… and I’ve eaten all but 9 of them in about a week… excellent!! I’m not happy with myself about this but obviously not mad enough to stop myself… Saturday I ventured out of the house about noon to go to mcdonald’s (I know ilax, I know.. bad girl!! J)… after I got home I did a couple loads of laundry and then laid down to nap… r got home a little after 3 (of course I was napping with the kitties on the bed) and he had brought me a cheeseburger home from the restaurant… I couldn’t refuse it!! so I ate that too… that’s pretty much how it went all weekend long… eating and sleeping… there have been so other self-destructive things I have been doing but we’ll save those for another day…
so I think the first addiction I need to deal with is food… I am addicted to food… usually it’s not even the taste… I’ll eat so fast I don’t even taste it… I just eat to eat… when I get done eating I’m usually thinking about my next meal… I can only imagine how horrible that sounds… but, it’s the truth… and that’s what my blog is for… does anyone else have this problem?

Wise Words of Wisdom

Sorry that some of my blogs have been WAY long… these are 2 different emails that I got this morning… very fitting and appropriate…

The universe is aware of both the concrete goals we actively pursue and the nebulous dreams we have not yet begun to refine. Neither our struggles nor the daydreams that inspire us are beyond the range of universal perception. Yet to manifest our aspirations, we not only need to know what it is we generally wish to achieve; we also need to clearly articulate these aims to ourselves and the universe. When we create a list of what we want, citing each item in as much detail as possible, our aspirations take on new substance. What was once a mere wish becomes real and achievable when put into words. As you pour the contents of your heart and soul into your list, your well-defined ambitions become a part of you, and the universe responds to your new determination by placing opportunities related to your objectives in your path.Whatever the nature of your desires, your list can help you channel your intellectual and emotional power into your efforts to realize them. The list you create should not simply be a record of your individual goals. Rather, it should be a comprehensive, exhaustive catalog of each target you want to reach and your reasons for aiming for them. This may mean that your list will encompass many pages of text, since when you write down and review your ambitions, you empower yourself to more accurately direct your goal-realization efforts. You then also have a framework in place that helps you distinguish success from setbacks. If you keep your list in a convenient spot and review it daily, you will inadvertently reaffirm your conviction to your aspirations, demonstrating to the universe that you are truly devoted to your chosen path while keeping your objectives fresh in your mind. As you compose your list, try not to edit or judge what you have written. Some of what you want may seem outlandish when considered in the context of your current circumstances. Whether you are destined to fulfill the items on the unique long-term agenda you create in a year, 10 years, or 20 years, if you are free with your ideas and understand that you may not bring these dreams into the realm of reality for some time, your list will attract the universe's benevolence even as it energizes and inspires you.

SETBACKS ARE LEARNING EXPERIENCES WHICH GRANT ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO BEGIN AGAIN MORE INTELLIGENTLY
Setbacks are a part of life for everyone. So, it's not so much what happens to you as it is how you respond to what happens to you. Eliminate the words, "I failed" from your mindset... and instead, see setbacks as learning experiences. Accept them and move on a little bit wiser.

A List

i never post lists or anything like that... i really liked this one though... it goes right along with an email that i received this morning... as i always say, the universe gives you what you need when you need it...

I AM: a wife, a friend, working on being comfortable with myself, and learning to love myself the way I am, not the way people want me to be
I WANT: to learn how to make myself a better person, for the restaurant to succeed more than anything, and for r and i to have/create the life that we want
I HATE: cheaters and thieves
I MISS: being young and having no cares in the world

I FEAR: not learning to love myself and failure
I HEAR: usually only what I want to hear

I WONDER: how different things would have been if I had made a different choice in my “younger” days
I REGRET: not being a strong enough person to do my own thing and go my own way, even if my friends didn’t really approve or weren’t doing the same thing
I AM NOT: where I want to be in life, spiritually, though I am better today than I was yesterday
I DANCE: on occasion… I’m not a big dancer

I SING: in my car
I CRY: when I get really mad or upset
I AM NOT ALWAYS: the person that I would like to be
I WRITE: in my blog, it’s a nice unbiased releaseI NEED: to work on being and accepting the person I want to be
I SHOULD: work on figuring out my own beliefs and not just accepting what others tell me
I START: quite a few projects
I FINISH: the projects that are really important to me

Cake & Roses

pics of my cake and roses...

More Ramblings

I slept in today… I didn’t even get up til after 11… it was so nice! I was so tired!! This morning I could swear I heard someone ringing the doorbell (repeatedly) at some ungodly hour, ok, like 9… I think the phone rings, my cell rings… I’m like, dang already! Don’t you know I ‘m trying to sleep… J
Last night, momma, daddy, and I went to eat at the restaurant… It was really good (like always & I’m not just saying that) and they had been busy… we ran some good numbers yesterday and r’s mood was even more improved when he got home (knowing we ran good numbers and his civic’s off the chopping block, for now at least… hehe
I think I’ve mentioned this but momma and daddy’s 35th wedding anniversary was Monday… that’s longer than I’ve been alive! They travel though… different places all during the year… I know momma told me that they were going to go somewhere this week… I asked her about it a couple of weeks ago and she just said, well, some things came up and we decided not to go anywhere… I wondered what she meant by this but figured if she wanted to say more she would… daddy told me last night why they didn’t go anywhere… my aunt, daddy’s sister, has cancer on her back and they have been battling it for over a year now… she’s had many different treatments of chemo but so far none of them have worked… that makes me realize how short life can really be and that I need to really be present in every moment… (yes, you need to prepare for the future but at the same time there is only so much you can do.. ) momma and daddy were in a situation to help my aunt and uncle out and they did (momma and daddy never cease to amaze me!!)… it’s these random acts of kindness that make you happy and you realize how special it is to help someone out while expecting nothing in return, just knowing that you helped to make someone’s life a little better….

Whatever

so, r called about an hour ago... he said that they got slammed at lunch and that is a good thing... then he made the comment, maybe i won't have to sell my civic... i have failed to mention that r has a project car, the civic, that he wants to turbo... before we opened he said, if things get tight and i need too, i can sell the civic... it really irritates me about the civic... ok, fine, he can have a hobby but why does it have to be so dang expensive!! and to be even more honest, i can't remember the last time he worked on it.... even before we opened the restaurant... it's basically just sitting in the driveway (in my parking spot up close to the house and the garage)... so i get to park under the tree that has one limb hanging over the driveway and guess what... that is where ALL the birds sit, at least my car looks like it anyways... anyways, he was so upset earlier because i had mentioned something a little bit ago about him maybe selling the civic to free up some money... that's where all his "concern" came from... having to get rid of the civic... that really pissed me off but... whatever though...
after that happened, everyone was pissing me off... especially my co-worker... dang!! i guess you could say i'm irritated now... no biggie... 24 minutes until this week is done!! i am so ready to sleep in tomorrow!!

A Little of This... A Little of That

It’s amazing how quickly something can change your mood… just one little thing… or maybe not so little… I guess it just depends on your perception…
Last night I was so excited!! K, my best friend, is a member of this organization BPW- Business & Professional Women… it’s a really great organization… she called last night on her way home from the yearly banquet and had some great news!! each year they pick a woman of the year… this year, k won!! I was so excited and proud of her!! she is the woman of the year and she is my best friend! how amazing is that!!! YEAH for her!! that is excellent!!
I was in a good mood this morning too… I’m so glad it’s Friday because I’m so tired! The night before last r called me into the kitchen to show me that our dishwasher was filled up with water almost to the point where the door hinged… I emailed momma and daddy (they can fix anything!) and they came over last night after my hair appt. to look at it… I felt so goofy… there is a drain button on the dishwasher and guess what, if you push that, the dishwasher drains! Luckily it wasn’t anything serious!! I was worried about it…
R came home last night in a pretty bad mood… we weren’t very busy yesterday and he was pretty mad about it… this is what changed my mood… he called earlier today and was griping because we had been slow this morning… he’s being very pessimistic and I can understand why… he’s been busting his ass and we have nothing to show for it… to be honest, we can barely pay our bills because of what our ex-waitress did to us… I have faith that everything will work out with the restaurant and be just fine, it’s just going to take us time to get back to where we should be… he calls today and is really upset… the most upset I’ve seen him (or heard him) in a long time… it made me so sad to hear him that down… I know he didn’t call to upset me, he just needed to vent… I just really hope for his sake that we get busy today… I hope we have an excellent lunch and dinner… we need to hit a high number today to help boost his spirits… momma, daddy, and I are going out there to eat tonight, I hope it’s a packed house when we get there…
I am really trying to be positive… I really am… I just keep hearing his voice in my head… bless his heart!! lately I’ve been doing “bad” things that I know I shouldn’t be doing or relying on just to keep me sane and trying to deal with everything… I need to learn to rely on me and my faith…
Can you believe October is almost over?!?! Dang!!! Time just flies by!
Those are just some of the things running thru my mind right now… I feel that I keep blogging the same thing over and over… if I am, I’m sorry…

The Best

i am so lucky... i really am... maybe i should look at it like, good stuff out = good stuff in...
i have the best husband... like i said earlier, i do gripe about him but at the end of the day when it's all said and done, i love him to pieces and wouldn't trade him for the world...
my family... i have the best family in the world... not once have mom or dad ever not helped me (or us), especially when we needed help... they have always been a big part of my life and i have relied on them a lot... it seems that there is absolutely nothing that they can't do.... honestly, they are so awesome!! their talents and generosity do not end... i only hope they know how much i appreciate them...
my in-laws... i know i only usually blog about them when i'm not happy with them or something but they really are good to us... they have helped us out too...
my friends... on days when i'm down all it usually takes is for one friend to say that one thing, whatever it may be, and my spirits are lifted, so to say...
i am truly thankful for everyone that is in my life... i know that they are meant to be there, for whatever reason it may be... this is my tribute to you...

update on some of the "challenges"...
my father-in-law got my leaky car fixed... turns out there is a tube at each corner of the sunroof that collects water- from the holes in the sunroof or something(?) - that drain down into each wheel well... the one going to my drivers side back wheel well wasn't even draining down into the wheel well but was also crimped and when the water backed up in the tube it just leaked (poured) into my car... ok, so that's taken care of...
the unemployment situation... r called them and gave them a verbal statement... he said that he told them everything... that he was trying to help her save face in a small town by saying that she was let go because she was unreliable... but her told her that he was really firing her because she was stealing, she knew her friends were stealing but didn't say anything, she was never on time, always calling in, blah, blah, blah... i could go on and on... r did a great job, a much better job than i could have done and i am really grateful that he took care of that situation... now the workforce commission has to contact her or make a decision i think.... i'm not sure though... (we did get the address situation with them cleared up...that was a difficult situation to correct...)

a really nice unexpected surprise- i had to go to the store after work (after i picked my car up!!) and then came home... i pulled up to the house and was like, dang, the house looks good... what's different? the grass was mowed (and bagged) and edged!! that has been on my to-do list for several weeks now but daddy came over and did the front yard today and him and momma are coming back tomorrow to do the back yard... that is so much of a stress relief... they are so wonderful!!

things are going so good right now... i feel like everything is going so great.... we hit a rough patch but we struggled thru it and now everything is getting better and better... i am so confident of r and i right now and i am so excited about what our future holds... it is amazing now but it is going to be even more amazing!!

Doing Better

I must say that I’m feeling much better today… even after my dr. appt. with my psychiatrist… he usually manages to upset me (I know, that’s part of his job to find out what’s wrong and that’s the upsetting stuff) but today went really well… the adjustments that we made on my meds last time seem to be working pretty well… except for when I was pms-ing it was a really good month… my anger, sadness, and emotions were controllable… if they become uncontrollable I need to call him…. Last night my mood improved… I came to the understanding that if s wants to file unemployment she can… she was the one who was worried about her reputation… not that she was getting fired… r told her that he was firing her because she was stealing, her response, is that what you’re going to tell everyone because I’m worried about what people will think about me… so he said, I’ll tell everyone that I let you go because of your reliability… not showing up on time, leaving all the time which left ellen, our morning cook, to wait tables and cook.. not cool, ellen said she would testify though if we need her too, that is very much appreciated… she was always calling in and trying to get people to cover her shifts, leaving early… no wonder she didn’t need to work, she was stealing from us… r and I talked last night about this whole situation and he has already called the workforce commission and given them a verbal statement about everything that was going on… she opened the can of worms by telling them she was fired because she needed to go to the dr and he wouldn’t let her off…. no, he gave you those days off…. Another life lesson learned though… I’m just really glad that r is taking care of this… he is so much better in these situations than I am…. he can stay calm, cool, and collected… me, I kinda get bent out of shape…
In the big picture, things are going really well… he is working his ass off up there and I couldn’t be more proud of him… I know I gripe about him a lot but at the same time I do need to cut him some slack because I really can’t imagine how stressed he must be… (he’s heard now that our morning waitress has sticky fingers.. my question, how hard is it to find an honest person to work now-a-days?!? Dang!! The register has been coming out right and the numbers we’re running look about right… he said he would keep an eye on it though…. now that he knows what to look for…)
I am really working on keeping a positive attitude… I think it’s going very good too… all I can do is keep on trying and know that I am better today than I was yesterday… today’s daily wisdom saying: Every experience we have in our lives manifests from our mind. Because you interpret your life and your world thru your mental attitude, it is important to have the right motivation.

All I Can Do Is Sigh

It’s so hard to believe that after such a most excellent wonderful weekend Monday can be so damn challenging… this weekend was so great, well, except for me getting irritated with r on Saturday up at the restaurant… other than that, it was a really good weekend…. we got to hang out with our friends b&k from dallas… we hadn’t seen them in about a month and this weekend we just got to relax and chill… just what we needed!! B helped r and daddy, more like, b & daddy, put the window unit in the restaurant, and r kinda just did whatever… the old one was in such bad shape and was not even working… it had masking tape on it, not even duct tape… ghetto!!
I should have known that because the weekend was so good I’d be paying for it this week… r was in a foul mood this morning… I guess I should just get used to his attitude being, Monday thru Saturday afternoon- foul & pretty much treating me or acting like I’m invisible… Saturday afternoon and Sunday- great, just like the “old” r, well, this weekend anyways…
Ever since labor day weekend, my car has had this really bad smell in it… I had some metal decorations for the restaurant in it and I thought that maybe they were causing the smell…. Nope, that wasn’t the case… so my car’s been stinking since then…. It has been raining since Saturday night… I got in my car this morning to go to work, was backing out of the driveway, and was like, is that water I hear? I turned around and the passenger door behind the drivers seat was leaking water like crazy… ok, more like water was just running in…. excellent… well, at least now I know why my car has been smelling moldy… my father-in-law came and picked my car up this morning to see if he can figure out what’s going on…. karma, huh… I guess that’s what I get for laughing at my co-worker and the ceiling in his office… I have absolutely no idea how we’re going to pay for this though… most excellent…
The next challenge… our ex-waitress, the one whole stole all the money but we can’t prove it was her but we know it was, has filed unemployment… the workforce commission called r this morning to see if we wanted to respond to her claim… um, we never got anything… something is going on with our mail up there… I dunno what it is but we’re not getting all of it… that’s another challenge to deal with… (r’s mom sent us a gift that really helped us out… ok, we would be way overdrawn in our business checking account if she hadn’t sent us the gift… back to the story)… so r calls me to tell me that the unemployment people called… she’s going to fax me the information… she said that she is filing because we fired her for her “health reasons”…. Um, no, more like she had stolen $5,500 from us and pretty much decided to quit showing up to work… reliability was a big issue for us with her… she is a good scam artist though… I’ll give her that… I am just praying that she doesn’t get this unemployment… I have no idea if we pay her or if the state does but if we have to pay her I dunno what we’re going to do… I suppose we’ll get it all figured out though…
They say that the universe never gives us more than we can handle at any one time and that everything that we need in this moment we have…. I am trying my best not to freak out and lose it… I am trying, I am trying, I am trying… damn, it’s so hard… I’m getting so frustrated but trying to keep my attitude positive… it’s really hard but I’m trying… and I guess that’s all I can do… ah, the joys of being an entrepreneur… I hate to even say this or admit it but sometimes I wonder if we’re going to make this work… when we were just talking about it and going thru the process I had no doubt in my mind that we could make it work… I can honestly say that buying the restaurant was the one thing that I have gone into with 100% knowing that it would be a success… I know we can still make it a success we just have to overcome these challenges… which just seem to be coming from every direction!! That’s ok though, what doesn’t kill us just makes us stronger…. We should be pretty damn strong after all this!

Rude?

I would like to get someone else’s opinion about this matter (if anyone comments that is; I don’t know if anyone reads my blog or not)… is it rude to ask my co-worker to “do his job a little better”? let me explain first, I can imagine how rude that sounds… so, the owner’s grandson, j, started working up here last week… he’s going to be taking over the business so that the owner can retire, he’s almost 70…. Before j started, my co-worker, was always bossing me around, treating me like an idiot (which he still does), and constantly telling me how to do my job… yes, he has been here for 33 years but still, I’m not a moron… he is always telling me how I need to pay this bill as soon as it comes in, circles the balances due on charge accounts we have (because I have no idea where to look, obviously) like credit cards, etc… duh… so, back to my question, he is constantly treating me like I’m stupid and explaining things to me like I am a moron (he way over-explains)… one of the bills that “I need to pay as soon as it comes in” has been sitting on his desk for 2 days, along with a pretty good stack of bills not considering the ones that came in today… one thing to mention, since j started, rrll has been showing him his job and has pretty much just quit working, except when the boss tells him to do something, and now he does nothing but surf the internet, run errands on company time, and of course, my personal favorite, work on his church stuff… so, is it rude of me to ask him if he can go thru the bills and get them to me so that I can pay them? He’s the one who freaks out if we don’t take a discount (even if it’s only change!) and now he’s the one holding me up… my opinion, he’s waiting for me to pay the bills I have now so that he can come in here and joyfully slam a whole new stack of bills in my basket for me to pay…. (he really gets a kick out of that)….
I have decided though that the next time he explains something to me like I’m an idiot I am going to just straight up tell him that contrary to his belief, I am not stupid or incompetent and do not need to be (or want to be) treated like I am… I would also like the same respect that he shows to the boss and j… if he goes in their office and digs for something he puts everything back where it came from… if he comes in here and digs thru my stuff he puts it back where ever and leaves a mess…. Not nice…

Pounding

I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible headache… all the way from the top of my eyebrows around the top of my head down to about the middle of the back of my head… I guess I should mention first that I’ve been having chronic, sometimes debilitating, headaches for over 3 years now….the first year we kept treating them with antibiotics because the doctor thought they were sinus infections… they feel like they are really bad sinus infection headaches too… after a year on antibiotics every month we finally guessed that they were not sinus related (also after many expensive tests I had done!) I personally think they are because of one of the 85 million medications that I’m on…. the medications being for my “mental” disorder… I do have some pain pills that I take as needed for my herniated disc but other than that and my birth-control pills, the rest of them are for my craziness… I was talking to my dr. the last time I was in and was telling him about theses awful night sweats I’ve been having… two years ago I thought my night sweats were because of withdrawals… long story short, a “pill happy” prescribing dr. decided that I should be taking 80mg of oxycontin 4 times a day to kill the pain from my herniated disc… during that when the pills didn’t seem to be working we went on to morphine patches… he just straight up pulled me off the oxys… I have never been thru so much hell as I went thru those couple of days and I was going thru withdrawals… omg… I would never wish that on anyone… it was the worst and most painful physical and mental experience I have ever had (I can honestly understand while people are addicted to pills, it would be so much easier to stay on them than to have to deal with the pain of getting off them.. I’m not saying it’s an excuse but I can understand)… after that I decided I needed to see another dr… I didn’t want to be a “pill-head” my whole life and knew that surely something else could be done… (woah, I got way off track)…. Anyways, after the oxy withdrawals my body temperature has been way out of whack, don’t know if it’s because of that or not… I’m either sweating hot or freezing (wearing a hoodie) cold… I thought the night sweats because of that since that is part of what I went thru while de-toxing…. The dr. said that once of my medications can cause night sweats… mine are so severe though that I’ll wake up and my sheets (and the t-shirt I have on) will be wet… not damp, wet… it’s really not fun… anyways, I’ve been really thinking about all these meds that I’m on… are they doing me more harm than good? (between the headaches, night sweats, and messing up my digestive system).. I’m no doctor but I think that my meds are part, if not most of, the reason that I’ve been experiencing all these things… is it worth it to stay on the meds, should I see if we can try something else, or should I just quit them altogether? These are some of the questions that have been running through my mind… I go see my dr. next Tuesday morning so hopefully we can talk about this and see what other options are available… all I know is that the headaches need to stop… now… mine today might be sinus, my throat is sore, my ears are stopped up, and I just generally don’t feel good... tonight is cleaning night but that might get put off until I get to feeling better… we’ll just have to see how it goes… hopefully my head won’t explode today…

p.s.. no yoga last night… after I got home from the store I started working on cleaning up the main computer… we’ve had the same hard drive for years (we just keep moving it from computer to computer) and I just keep adding stuff to it… I have to clean it up…

AAAHHHH!!!

contrary to what my co-worker thinks, i am NOT stupid nor am i incompetent like he is... i HATE it when people insult my intelligence... i can't help it if he is insecure with his stupidity and therefore thinks that everyone else is stupid and incompetent (or that alzheimers is setting in either, not my problem!!)!! he makes me so damn mad (especially when he insults my best friend, her sister, and their mom- they are our CPAs- they are the ones who got me this job!!)!!! i'm breathing deeply though, trying to let it go...

Sore

last night i did yoga for the 2nd night in a row.... yesterday i wasn't really sore (until i started doing yoga again)... today is a different story though... i am sore! that's ok though... i'm going to try to make it 3 nights in a row... we'll see though, i need to run to the store after work... tomorrow night is house cleaning night and i would kinda like to get a jump start on it but if not, no biggie... for some reason i want to clean really good... this could change though depending on what kind of day i have or how my attitude is... i'm feeling better and happier... that's a good thing...
i am having an internal dilemma though.. i was summoned for jury duty and i do not want to go... i called and they rescheduled it last time and now it's set for monday... i think one of the main reasons i don't want to go is because i've never been called before (well, when i wasn't in school) and that makes me nervous... plus, the whole social anxiety thing... so my dilemma is, i know it would be a lie but i could call and tell them i'm still in school... but, do they check?! they have started cracking down on jury duty here because no one would show up... i am already dreading it but thinking of telling a lie, even a little white lie, makes me feel bad... before i started working on changing my attitude and stuff i don't think this would have even bothered me... i'd have just called and been like, i'm in school... now, it's driving me crazy... i guess you could say i know what the "right" thing to do is, i just really don't want to do it... is there really any harm in a little white lie? i am scared to death!! any thoughts or opinions?

Rush & Rush

i can only imagine how tired everyone is of me blogging all the time lately... it just seems like i need to blog (and have time)... maybe it's because of all the changes going on in my life and blogging makes me feel like someone is interested (even if no one ever reads my blog)...
this morning i woke up with this song in my head... it usually happens every morning but this morning i was kinda humming and singing along and it hit me... i so need to implement this into my life... i don't know the name of the song or who sings it so i apologize for the plagarism before hand... the part that i was singing and pertains to me goes:

i'm in a hurry to get things done,

oh i rush and rush until life's no fun,

all you ever gotta do is live and die,

but i'm in a hurry and don't know why...

i need to learn to slow down and enjoy life... not try to hurry through it and miss out on the whole experience...

S.A.D.

i know that there is seasonal anxiety disorder (or something like that) but i think i may have another type of S.A.D... social anxiety disorder... this morning i was thinking how much i would love to work from home but how good for me would that be? probably not very considering i hardly ever leave the house anyways... usually, if i have something to do and don't do it right after work before i get home it usually doesn't get done... once i'm home, i'm home to stay... this weekend i left the house twice, once for food and once for ice cream... if i wouldn't have been pms-ing and craving something sweet (BAD!!) i probably wouldn't even have left for ice cream... if i worked at home, i would probably never leave the house... going to the store would be a major challenge for me... (sometimes it still kinda is)... i can't remember if i've always been this way or if it's something that has developed over maybe the past few years... i would say large groups of people intimidate me... not even so much large groups of people, pretty much any amount of people over like 4 or maybe 6, depending on who the six are.... i wonder if anyone else feels this way... (i really think this is another reason i ddin't go to my 10 year reunion)... it's crazy but even family that i haven't seen in a while intimidates me... like at christmas, whew, talk about anxiety... seeing family that i haven't seen in usually about a year, even though they're family & once i get there and get comfortable it's usually not too bad, it still gives me bad anxiety... i suppose this is something else that i need to tap on...
daddy says that if you can conquer your fear you can conquer the world (that is scary!!)... mom's reply, it looks like i won't be conquering the world (they were talking about her fear of heights)...

I Wonder....

they say that exercise makes you feel better by boosting endorphins (or something like that) in your brain... the past week or so i have really been wanting to meditate and do some yoga but i have just not been in the mood to do either... tonight when i got home from work it was cold (60 degrees) and rainy... i decided to do some yoga... my mood did start improving at work today but not near as much as it is now... before yoga i was sitting on the couch debating on what to go get for dinner... but the bad part is, i'm so lazy i didn't even want to have to go anywhere... and forget making anything, me, no way!! after yoga i washed my face, changed my clothes, and made a grilled cheese sandwich... i'm sitting on the couch watching tv, eating my grilled cheese, with the window open... it is chilly outside!!! but i love it! i've got on my flannel pj pants and big fuzzy socks... i know, i'm acting like it's 60 below or something... i love the change though, this past week it was in the 90's.... anyways, my mood has greatly improved, thanks to the yoga i guess?!?! i hate to say that because i'm so lazy and i really don't like to exercise; i'm trying not to think of yoga as exercise... maybe a healthy life-style change? very calming too...
one more thing before i go... this is too funny... i don't know if i blogged it or not... over labor day weekend, it rained "a lot" here... my co-worker, rrll, the one i'm always griping about, the ceiling in his office fell in because of all the rain... i walked in that tuesday morning and his office was in disarray... it was crazy!! printer, typewriter, trash can, plastic roller chain thingy, everything was all over the place.... apparently no one ever got around to fixing his leaky ceiling... today it was raining... the next thing i know he's got a bucket in his office balanced on the edge of a filing cabinet catching the water... (once again, office in disarray).... the next thing you hear, the sound of the bucket crashing over... i almost fell out of my chair i was trying to keep from laughing so hard!!! it was so damn funny!! karma is excellent!!

Deep in Thought

i'm sorry that my blogs have been so long and rambling lately.. i've just had a lot on my mind and i need somewhere to get it all out...
I have been looking over my blog lately and it I do feel that I have made progress in my life, working on changing… I still get angry but not near as often… sometimes yes it is still as bad as it used to be but not near as much… mostly though, it’s all griping and complaining, that’s my perspective though… and I don’t know if I really like that.. yes, it is a place for me to vent but at the same time it shouldn’t all be so down and angry… I really do need to work on being positive… I am though, I am…
Last night r and I talked…as it turns out, he was having issues with me as well…it was more like, we would start to talk about something and then I could tell that it was heading in the direction of a fight so I’d change the subject and then we’d go back to it a little later… it took us a while to get everything out but we did … well, I think we did… I felt much better after we talked… everything is better on that front…
My co-worker… he hasn’t made me mad or upset me yet (and I am hoping that I don’t let him)… I guess Monday’s just make me feel kinda lonely… there is no one here that I can talk too about my weekend.. in fact, there is no one up here that I can really talk too… I didn’t realize how much I would miss that…
As far as the reunion, I said from the beginning that I didn’t want to go and I didn’t… I didn’t like high school the first time around… I really only liked the after school activities- partying, hanging out with friends that I knew/know accepted me… I was in all honors classes while my friends were in regular classes and I was so uncomfortable in there… it was all the “preppy” popular kids and I felt that I didn’t fit in… I was (and still am but I’m working on it) so insecure and uncomfortable with myself… I felt that everyone in my classes were always judging me so I always had an attitude towards them… I’m not saying it’s all their fault, I accept responsibility for part of the blame too… like I said yesterday, I was already uncomfortable about going anyways and I really don’t think I would have been comfortable there at all… I really need to quit being such a hermit and not be so anxious of the public… to be honest, I’m really sure that people out in public have much better things to do than watch me and judge me.. yes, I’m sure there will be some but for the most part, everyone else could probably care less how I look or what I do…
I need to quit being embarrassed by myself… I need to be more comfortable and sure of myself… ok with and love myself the way I should…
Ok, so now that I’m done “expressing myself” I’m going to list some positive things and hopefully that will help jump start my mood on this cloudy, rainy, cool Monday morning…
Things I am thankful for:
The fact that I am able to talk to my husband and resolve our differences…
The fact that I know I have people in my life who care about me…
My health…
The fact that I have a house to gripe about (as well as a job, a husband, kitties, this list could go on and on)…
My willingness to keep on working on myself to be a better person…
The fact that I have realized that it is impossible to be happy 100% of the time… there will be times that I am negative, down, frustrated, and stressed but as long as I just accept those times, recognize my emotions, and move on, everything will be fine and work out for the best…
The fact that I finally realize and understand what it means to be here in this moment and that I have everything that I need as of right now…
The fact that the universe will never give me more than I can handle…
The fact that I need to slow down and enjoy life… there is no reason to rush through it trying to get everything done as fast as possible… I (have and) will miss out on many things that I should have/could enjoy…

Acceptance

Ah, where to begin… I don’t really know… I’ve been really mad this past week and I haven’t really acknowledged why… I know that deep down I know why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling and I just need to accept that and move on… I was reading parade magazine today (it comes in the newspaper) and it had an article in there about how to have more energy… one of the things that struck me was feel to heal… it takes an enormous amount of energy to remain stuck in chronic grief, resentment, or sadness. What we resist persists. Instead of trying to talk yourself out of how you feel, harness the courage to acknowledge uncomfortable emotions. Accept your regrets, anger or sadness without remorse. Just let it be. Then let it go. this past week I haven’t really let what I’m feeling come to surface… well, I have inside my mind (and take a toll on my physical body) but I haven’t said anything to those who could make a difference though… like r… tonight we went to braum’s to get ice cream and we were in my car and he said, has k been riding in here? I said yeah… he could tell by the way the seat was set… but, here’s what got me… he is so damn lazy he wouldn’t even “fix” the seat… he didn’t want to have to deal with it.. come on… it’s a seat in a car!! There is so much stuff that needs to be done around the house… he hasn’t wanted to do it because he’s just lazy and I don’t feel like doing it because I feel like I’ve been doing everything… like I’ve said, if he acknowledged me (or what I’ve done) I wouldn’t mind so much… it’s like I’m just here to take care of everything… the past week I just haven’t wanted to do anything… I’ve been down and just not feeling it…
I didn’t go to the reunion… I had already made such a big deal out of it in my head that it would have been a disaster for me… I had already decided that… I haven’t been in the mood to socialize or I guess in general, just be nice… in all truthfulness, I probably would have tried to make everyone else have a bad time….
Saturday night I walked into the bathroom and just happened to look in the mirror… I was thinking to myself, what has changed about me? I look different and I have been… I just could never put my finger on it… I’m 28 and I’m starting to age… I can see it… I no longer look like I’m 18… I know, 10 years has passed…. But, it’s just like I never even realized it until then and reality just hits me like a ton of bricks… I’ve never been one to be hung up on “looks” per say… my husband shaved my head one fourth of july…. I’m so not a big fan of hair… for some reason though, the realization that I am aging really floored me….
Last night I had two crazy dreams…. Crazy…. Both of them very sexual in nature… I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but I am very PG…. in the first dream I was dating a hispanic guy (that had the same car as a guy I dated in high school)… in the second dream I was dating a black guy… I keep thinking back to my second dream last night… I don’t know anything about him, or don’t remember anything anyways, except for a few minor details and the way he acted… I thought it was interesting because although the dreams were very sexual it wasn’t the ways the guys looked that turned me on… it was the way they acted towards and treated me, the way they talked to me…(which made me feel wanted- they gave me attention so that I didn’t feel ignored or unimportant)… I guess in a round-about-way that’s what I’m looking for in my relationship with r… or I should say, what I want back in our relationship…. I remember waking up and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside… like I used to feel… needed and wanted… special… I miss that.

Where You Need To Be

i got this email a few days ago... this past week has been a challenge for me... below is one of the things i am finding myself challenged by... i am still struggling to just let it all go... i keep resisting though....

Since human timetables quite often do not correspond with universal timetables, it's common for people to feel that life is progressing too slowly or too quickly. We draft carefully composed plans only to find that they fall into place when we least expect. Or, conversely, we are thrust into roles we believe we are not prepared for and wonder how we will survive the demands imposed upon us by unfamiliar circumstances. When delays in our progress kindle pangs of disappointment within us or the pace of life seems overwhelming, peace can be found in the simple fact that we are exactly where we need to be at this moment. Every person fulfills their purpose when the time is right. If you have fast-tracked to success, you may become deeply frustrated if you discover you can no longer satisfy your desires as quickly as you might like. Yet the delays that disappoint you may be laying the foundation for future accomplishments that you have not yet conceived. Or the universe may have plans for you that differ from the worldly aspirations you have pursued up until this point. What you deem a postponement of progress may actually represent an auspicious opportunity to prepare for what is yet to come. If, however, you feel as though the universe is pushing you forward at too fast a clip, you may be unwittingly resisting your destiny. Your unease regarding the speed of your progress could be a sign that you need to cultivate awareness within yourself and learn to move with the flow of fate rather than against it. The universe puts nothing in your path that you are incapable of handling, so you can rest assured that you are ready to grow into your new situation. You may feel compelled to judge your personal success using your age, your professional position, your level of education, or the accomplishments of your peers as a yardstick. Yet we all enjoy the major milestones in our lives at the appropriate time-some realize their dreams as youngsters while others flourish only in old age. If you take pride in your many accomplishments and make the most of every circumstance in which you find yourself, your time will come.

Just Plain Irritated

I am just plain irritated today… let me say first that I am not an idiot so there is absolutely no reason for anyone to treat me like an idiot… this goes out to a lot of people…
Our 10 year high school reunion is tomorrow and it is “smart casual”… I had no idea what that was until I looked it up… so it’s like, evening sorta dressy… what you would wear to an evening office function they said… guys, blazer and slacks, girls- black pant suit… um, ok, I looked in my closet last night and I don’t even own a single button up shirt anymore… as I was loosing weight I was giving my too big clothes away so that I wouldn’t be tempted to grow back into them… I wear jeans and a t-shirt to work everyday… k and I went shopping on Wednesday night and we couldn’t find anything… so now I’m stuck… I really really don’t want to go… we’ll see what happens…
R is really irritating me… since we found out that our ex-head waitress had stolen at least $5,500 (I worked up a more accurate calculation) from us over 2 months things have been a little tight… r’s mom is offering to give us money and all he has to do is call her but he is too lazy to call her… I’m like, you really need to call her… his response, ok, I will… but he hasn’t and it’s been 2 days since she called… ok, normally I wouldn’t be so on his ass for him to return a call but this is very important… the waitress put us in a situation…. We can and will recover it will just take us a little bit… r’s been coming home every day from the restaurant for about 2 hours just to relax and get away… he could call his mom then or when he gets off work but he just comes home and watches tv… AND ignores me when I try to talk to him… that really irritates me!! I’ve been upset with him for the past 2 days and he hasn’t even noticed… the grass needs to be mowed, BAD, and we need gas for the mower… the last time I mowed he didn’t say thank you, kiss my ass, or anything.. well, he did ask me, did you tell your dad that the lawnmower is leaking gas? It’s our mower but how dare I ask him to fix it or look at it… I mean, mom and dad only gave us the mower for free… there is so much stuff around the house that needs to be done but I am so tired of doing everything (at least this is how I feel) and him not even acknowledging it… I’ve got a lot of stuff on my to-do list that doesn’t include what he used to do.. I understand that he doesn’t get home til after dark and Sunday is his only real day to get anything done but if he would just acknowledge the fact that I’m doing stuff I don’t think I would mind as much…
I realize I’m just irritated and pms-ing but dang… I feel like everyone is acting like I’m invisible… thanks…

Friends

today i haven't been in the best mood... well, yesterday and today... i was down and feeling like everything in my corner of the world was falling apart... i would say that 99% of the time k, my best friend for 15 years, and i talk on the phone on the way home from work... we clean house on the same night so that we can talk while we clean.... we are never at a loss for something to talk about... anyways, i'm off track... this saturday is our 10 year high school reunion... when we first started talking about it we were both really excited to go... now, not so much... there are only like 78 people out of over 300 going... i was so down that i had decided not to go because all it was going to be was people judging me by what i've done with my life, looks, etc... basically the same way i felt in high school... i'm trying to be more grown up now and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, whether i liked them in high school or not... anyways, back to my "story"... she called me after i had got home from the store and said she was sorry she didn't call me after work (we were supposed to go shopping for something to wear to the reunion) and i said that's ok, i didn't really need to go shopping anyways because i wasn't going... needless to say, just talking to her led me to break down in tears... this usually happens when we talk and i'm feeling this way... thankfully i have her... she has been the one constant i have always been able to count on in my life for the past 15 years and i know that since we've made it this far she will continue to be a constant in my life forever... so, we talk, well at first, she talks and i cry... then i talk and tell her what's going on and how i'm feeling... she is so good at picking out what's wrong, like, the real issue, not just what i think it is... like the reunion issue... i guess deep down i was scared that people were going to think i was a failure... and like k said, i have no reason for them to think that... everything that i have set my mind to do i have accomplished.... i should be proud of me for that but that is where my trouble comes in... for some reason, i have a hard time seeing myself as successful and not a failure... it's hard for me to be proud of myself especially when i'm always comparing myself to others... i know, i shouldn't and don't need to do that... long story short, k talked me thru my crisis and i feel much better now... we know each other so well that it's like, she's a lost part of me... the part of me that makes me feel good about myself... she picks me up when i'm down... i only hope she knows that she can never be replaced....

ASPCA

i am a big supporter of the ASPCA and on their website you can adopt a pet online (virtual adoption)... it's $18 a month... that's not bad considering what you're paying for... vet care, shelter, and food until they find a loving home... (it is tax deductible)... i don't do it for that reason though... r says only 2 kitties in the house at one time... this is my way of helping out other kitties in need... you can even pick your own animal to adopt... go and check it out... it's a really good worthwhile cause!!

http://www.aspca.org/site/MessageViewer?em_id=36545.0&dlv_id=19421&JServSessionIdr006=ko1u5fh2s3.app28a

Found It

this is what i was looking for the other night when i was writing about sneakers.... it's ok, well, it's not really ok but i'm working on it being ok.... i'm working on letting him go, it's what was meant to be....

the idea of detachment; This means that, instead of hanging on desperately to people, activities, or objects, we should learn how to flow with the current of life and recognize that change is the only constant.As Buddha said, “impermanence is the nature of the human condition. This is a truth we know in our minds but tend to resist in our hearts. Change happens all around us, all the time, yet we long for the predictable, the consistent. We want the reassurance that comes from things remaining the same. We find ourselves shocked when people die, even though death is the most predictable part of life."the next time you notice that you are grasping onto something in your life, ask yourself what it would feel like to appreciate that thing fully while at the same time being prepared, when the time comes, to let it go.