Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The Holidays

I’m not really sure it it’s the time of year of if it’s pms or a combination of both… this time of year kinda always brings me down and makes me sad… I love Fall… I love watching the leaves change color and fall, I love the time change, I love the weather getting colder… the holidays leave me feeling a bit blue and anxious though… my anxiety starts to kick in when I realize that the holidays are getting closer and that I’m going to have to see people (yes, even my family) that I don’t get to see that much… for some reason, seeing people that I haven’t seen in forever gets me all worked up… why? I don’t know, I haven’t delved into that issue yet… this will be r and I’s 6th holiday season together… Christmas stresses him out too… so you can only imagine how “pleasant” things are at our house around the holidays… just a tad bit on the stressful side even though we’re supposed to be enjoying this time of year… r and I have yet to have a “real” Christmas… I had a real tree in our apartment and then the first year in our house but unfortunately no presents to go under them… well, r gets “exciting” things… socks, underroos, a couple of shirts, stuff like that… last year I really made an effort to get him a few things… he has yet to get me anything except for the first year we were together… I’m not really sure if that upsets me or not… I guess it kinda does… it would be nice for him to surprise me one year (birthday, Christmas, anniversary)… knowing his family though, it doesn’t really surprise me… his mom isn’t sure when any of her 3 kids birthdays are… the holidays and family gatherings have never been a big deal to them, just another day… they don’t really celebrate birthdays or our anniversary either… his mom called one year on the wrong day to wish him happy b-day… that made me feel horrible and it really had nothing to do with me… my family is completely different though… santa still comes to momma and daddy’s house and leaves us gifts… birthdays , holidays, and special occasions are celebrated…. I realize that all families are different but I could just never imagine any family being the way r’s family is until I met them… I used to really love Christmas, it was my most favorite holiday… not for the gifts either, just to see family that I never get to see… I’m not sure what happened or changed except I know it was something inside of me… i guess I feel like r and I are starting to be like his family, not celebrating anything.. but i'm not sure if that upsets me as much as being so embarassed as i am when someone asks me what r & i exchanged and then they proceed to tell me all the wonderful things that they were given… i know i shouldn't compare myself to my friends, or anyone else, but it's really hard especially during the holidays when presents are such a big deal... that makes me sad and brings me down… actually, writing this has made me cry... on a positive note though, material things don't bring happiness, it's the immaterial things that count... and i know that r loves me...
Sorry, I’m just having a little pity party for myself… I’m sure in a little while (or even a day or two) my mania will kick in and I’ll be saying something completely opposite of what I’m blogging now… (gosh dang my blog is getting depressing)...


kilax said...

Your family sounds similar to mine. My mom still gets all of us kids (aged 17, 20, 22 and 24!) santa gifts, and we love it!

I look forward to seeing my family so much on the holidays, but this year it is going to be so hard for me because I do not have a lot of money to buy the gifts I want to buy. I decided (since I am a design majr after all), I am going to make fun gifts, like personalized calendars, cookies, homemade salsa, etc. They will not be expensive, but I will put a lot of time and thought into them.

My fiance's birthday is the 22nd! Poor thing! I always have to work extra hard to make him feel special on his birthday.

Maybe you and r can start a holiday tradition that will make you look forward to the holidays more, and make you feel more of the holiday joy you felt growing up. It could be as simple as baking holiday cookies together, putting a candle in each window, or making Christmas cards. The point is that you do it each year, and it gives you something to look forward doing totgether.

Last year was the first year that Steven and I put up a real tree in his house, and I thought it was soon fun putting up decorations, and using the timer on the camera to take a photo of the two of us and the cat in front of the tree!

I bet if you show r some of the fun things about the holidays, he will start to enjoy them the way you do!

Just my two sense though!

courtneym said...

your comment was SO good!!! you made me feel a lot better about the holidays and put a positive spin on it for me!! i can't tell you how much i appreciate that! i totally understand about not being able to buy the gifts you want to buy... things made from the heart that took time and thought are great ideas!!! i never really thought about starting a holiday tradition for r and i!! that is such a good idea!! now i'm going to have to put on my thinking cap and think of gifts and a tradition!! it sounds like you and Steven have so much fun together!! that is awesome about setting the timer on the camera- i was thinking, if that was us, it could be a potential recipe for disaster!! hehe