Thrown Off

i absolutely love having an extra day off!! the only bad thing, and it's not really bad, just confusing for my little brain... i keep thinking today is monday... i'm so glad it's not... short week!! it was so nice being off yesterday, except for the fact that i feel like i took a sick day.... i was just blah all day yesterday... woke up with a headache, took some medicine and went back to bed... woke up later, washed the sheets (that was the only thing i didn't get too this weekend), and then layed around all day long.... i wasn't feeling horrible, just blah, tired... achy all over... so i just rested.... i watched transamerica... i wasn't sure what to expect but i think it was a really good movie... r wouldn't have liked it so i watched it while he was at work... it was really good... a very thought provoking movie... it really made you think and feel for the characters.... my birthday was sunday.... it was nice, quiet, and relaxed... 2 other couples came over and we watched the nascar race... carl, my driver, came in 3rd!! yeah!! he won the busch race the night before!!! saturday r and i went with k and b up to elk city, ok, to watch b race... he did really good, he came in 3rd place and was only running on 7 cylinders... it should have been 8 cylinders (and he would have smoked everyone!!) but that's kinda a touchy subject right now.... it went good though... well, on the way up there one of the tires on the trailer blew out so r and b were out there fixing it... the spare for the trailer wasn't just real super... ok, as the guys put it, "it was really shitty".... so they moved some tires around and everything was all good!! no other problems.... it was just a nice relaxing weekend.... we didn't have anything stressful to do... just, hung out and took it easy... the way i like it....
i managed to get myself all worked up today at work... my co-worker was driving me crazy this morning... he comes in and asks me computer questions then says, ah, i'll just let you do it... then why even come ask me... and if you can't do it what makes you think i want too? i've got a ton of stuff to do and by the looks of things, you have absolutely nothing going on.... he's just been sitting in there all day... he may have stuff to do and just isn't worried about it... that wouldn't surprise me either.... no worries though... it's not my responsibility to do his job... it just seemed like earlier he was trying to annoy me on purpose... which, who knows...
there was one thing that kinda got to me this weekend... well, i found out about it sunday night.... it actually happened saturday but since we were gone all day and night i didn't catch the news or anything until sunday night.... my back doctor has/had a partner at his office... dr. shaffer, his partner was indicted wednesday for sexual assault charges with a child under the age of 17... this is a really long story but to keep it short i'll try to sum it up.... i went in to see my back dr.s p.a. on monday, when he gave me the shots to the skull, and could hear dr. shaffer dictating stuff in his office... my dr.'s p.a.'s room to see patients is right next to dr. shaffer's office.... i didn't really think anything about it except, how has he managed to keep his license... i'd talked to my (ex) chiropractor about my concerns when all this came out in the news, months ago... i decided that i really like my back dr., he has helped me out and has never made me feel the way most other dr.'s have... he takes me and my pain seriously and is just wonderful!! so i decided to stay with him... well, this weekend dr. shaffer dies up at their office... the news and paper said there was no sign of trauma or foul play... my guess is that he killed himself... that bothers me, especially the fact that i just heard him and saw him briefly this past week... i was in there on monday, when i heard and saw him... he was out of town for those charges on friday though.... then the next day after i'm in there he dies... i think it bothers me that he died at the office... that's where i go to get well.... i wasn't real thrilled with the fact that he was still practicing after all this first came out... he wasn't my doctor so i decided not to let it bother me... then this... this bothers me... it's just kinda creepy and makes me feel well, odd.... do i really want to go see my doctor in a building where someone died... especially if he killed himself??? i'm not sure if i'm being over dramatic about this or not.... any comments or feelings please share... it's just, well, scandalous for a town this size... and i guess freaky to me because it hits so close to home.... him being my back dr.'s partner.... and the vice-president of the PRG..... luckily i don't have to go back to the dr. until the end of august... i feel bad for my back dr. though... that has to be hard on him, his family, and his practice.... i don't know if dr. shaffer realized what an impact this would have on those close to him but i do wish he would have thought about it before all this happened, especially the consequences to his partners practice and business... which, he should have been thinking last summer when he was messing with his 15-16 year old "nanny"... who went on vacation with him and his wife, but no kids....
i've got to go to the store today when i get off work... i was going to go thursday night but then didn't.... i thought about going this weekend or yesterday but the couch was so comfy.... hopefully since this is a short week it will fly by!! 23 working days left until vacation!! YEAH!!! i'm counting down!!! it will be so nice to have a whole week off!!!

....

thursday.... today seems like it should be friday... that's ok though, one more day til then.... i'm trying to think... (sounds painful huh?!?!) what to blog about... there really isn't anything going on... i've walked one mile with my 5lb weights the past 2 days.... everything on my list (getting my drivers license renewed, going to the title office, etc.) has been done, except for cleaning the house, which r and i are doing friday night... fun!! this is the cleaning weekend and i would like to clean sunday before everyone comes over... just so there's not as much cat hair floating around... my neck and head are feeling better... my neck is still tender and i've still got 2 small lumps... i haven't been sleeping very good, my pillow bothers the lumps... my head is feeling better though... the pressure isn't near as bad as it has been... since the shots it's getting better, gradually, but hey, any improvement is a start!! as for my attitude, i got mad tuesday afternoon and calmed myself down but when i got home i tried to get mad at r.... i don't know why i do that... i tried to do it yesterday too... i caught myself though and walked my mile... after that i felt better though! it's like i just look for a reason to get mad at him but, the good thing is, he can tell when i'm doing that and helps me "get over it".... he just straight up asks me, are you just looking for a reason to get on my ass? my reply, yeah, sorry.... then we go on and talk about something else and everything's all good.... i'm working on it though... i'd have to say for the most part my mood and attitude have been good... i get grumpy when my neck and head start hurting, usually in the afternoon, but i recognize it and try to be more patient.... at least i'm (becoming) conscious of these things...

Shots

yesterday i called the dr. and they were able to see me at 2:30 yesterday instead of thursday morning... when i went in my head was hurting pretty good.... not as bad as it was yesterday morning but pretty good.... the dr. gave me 2 shots in the base of my skull, one on each side of my neck.... the left side wasn't as bad as the right side... don't get me wrong, they weren't pleasant but the one on the right side, man, it was harsh.... my neck is sore today... i've got 2 lumps where he gave me the shot... he said that the lumps and the soreness could last a day or so.... sore too... that's ok though... if they help my headaches it's all worth it... my head is still hurting though not near as bad as it was.... i've got my ice pack with me at work today....
so i went and weighed in last night.... it went well!!! a lot better than i thought it was going to go!! i lost 2.5lbs for a total of 37.5lbs lost!! that was a shocker.... i even had 2 pieces of birthday cake saturday night!! i'm so motivated and proud of myself!! i'm getting so close to having lost 40lbs!! depending on what i set my goal weight at i am half way done!! that is so motivating too!!! i am so walking 1 mile almost every day this week with my 5lb. weights!!!
i'm really trying to be conscious of my goals... like, getting rid of negative thoughts and bringing in the positive ones... exercising more... i know i keep saying it but, i'm really liking this walking dvd.... it's really not bad at all!! i almost kinda look forward to walking every day! (crazy?!?!)
this morning at the post office i saw my (ex) chiropractor.... i haven't seen her since the last time i went in and asked her about the traction bed and my back.... it was really odd for me... i didn't know what to say to her.... k told me that she's getting married so i asked about that.... i didn't get mad or upset, it just kinda threw me off a little bit....
anywho, i'm off to ice my lumpy head.... more soon!!

Busy

i have been awake since sometime between 4:00 and 5:00 this morning... i'm not sure when exactly i woke up, all i know is that my head started hurting saturday afternoon, hurt all day yesterday, and woke me up early this morning hurting.... i was in tears when i woke up... it felt like my brain was pressing against my skull... the pressure was so horrible, it hasn't hurt that bad in a long time.... man did it hurt!! i tried ice packs, pills- prescription and not... everything!! nothing helped!! it took me about twice as long to get ready this morning because of my head.... it's feeling better now but it's still hurting... i'm glad not as bad though... i hope it quits hurting so i will feel like weighing in tonight.... i was debating there for a little while about waking r up to have him take me to the emergency room.... but to me, the emergency room is the last resort... i mean, you have to be in some serious pain.... like, you're not able to take it anymore.... and there for a little bit i thought that might have been my case... i go see my pain management dr. thursday morning.... i thought about calling to see if there is anything that they can do in-office to help relieve the pain and pressure... we've talked about cortizone shots at the base of the skull.... i don't know if they can do those in office or not.... (do i really hope they can!?!?!? yes and no) the steriods helped with the pain though.... guess they shrunk my inflamed greater optical nerves... something needs to give though!!
it occurred to me yesterday afternoon that this is going to be a busy week for me.... i'm not sure about at work yet but i have a ton of stuff that i need to do outside of work... and most of it involves places that close at 4:45 or 5:00.... i'm also hoping that this will be our last "full" week of work this month... hopefully we will have monday off... that would be so nice!! i got myself stressed out yesterday when i started to realize everything that i had to do this week.... some of it is stuff that has to be done this week too... like, getting my drivers license renewed.... it took me a little while to realize that i had gotten myself worked up over some pretty "unimportant" stuff.... i mean, this stuff has to get done but why am i stressing over it... it's not like i've never gotten what i need to get done taken care of.... no need to stress it... this morning on the way to work i was still thinking about my errands and realized that i wasn't really stressed about them... i'll get them taken care of... kinda like the bedroom.... r and i got the curtains hung yesterday.... i was going to hang a few pictures but i didn't realize we were out of wall hangers... we had bought some at the store a while back but didn't have as many left as i thought we did.... that's ok though, i need to go back to the store... we're totally out of laundry and dishwasher detergent... :) i'm trying not to stress though... my horoscope this morning that really made me think.... when i read my horoscope i don't put a lot of stock into what they say.... some days they seem to relate more to my life than others do.... anyways, today was one of the days when it seemed to pertain to me....
Time For What Matters
You may find that you are feeling a greater sense of responsibility today. You could also find that you are feeling more practical about your life decisions. Since you may be more aware than usual of your commitments today, you may also experience a greater sense of accountability for your choices. Perhaps this would be a good time to slow down and evaluate the responsibilities you have. You may want to try organizing your commitments in your life in a way that honors your priorities and life purpose. Allow yourself to make room for what matters to you. You might find that putting things in order today will help create a sense of harmony in your life.When you take the time to prioritize your commitments, you are learning how to work in a calm and conscientious way. Working consciously means that you focus on what needs to be done with awareness. So often in life we can feel that there are too many obligations and too little time to accomplish everything. As you make the effort to decide what needs to be done right away and put first things first, you leave room for the things in life that may not always get proper attention. Being practical with your time creates space for the important aspects of your life—family, friends, health, reflection, and meditation. Setting your priorities today can give you the means to expand the areas of your life which most need attention and create room for greater serenity.

what really made me think were these two sentences: You may want to try organizing your commitments in your life in a way that honors your priorities and life purpose. Allow yourself to make room for what matters to you. i need to make time in my life for what is important to me... lately exercising has been important to me.... spending time with r (and the kitties) is very important to me.... spending time with family and friends is also a high priority... i need to really think about and prioritize what is important to me in my life.... not what i think should be important or what others might think is important... i think organizing my priorities will help me out in so many different ways, it will help me come closer to achieving my 4 goals.... this weekend i was talking to k and i was griping about this and that and then i stopped and said, wait, every time i have a negative thought i'm supposed to change it into a positive thought or affirmation.... so i changed my thoughts and amazingly enough i forgot what it was i was griping about... i don't even remember now....
on a different note, i got on the scale this morning and it showed that i was about where i was at last week when i weighed in... i'm not sure how accurate my scale is now.... (it might be but since it was so "off" last week....) i'm not worried though.... my goal is to maintain this last week and this next week... a friend's 30th birthday was this weekend (i don't think i did that bad! and then memorial day is this weekend).... i might have gained, but if i did i'm ok with that because i think it might be muscle.... really.... i've been walking (and walking with 5lb. hand weights) and doing exercises.... my legs feel more muscular (as opposed to jiggly....)... i didn't say body-builder muscles, just more muscular... i feel so stupid saying that but it's true.... i'm ok with whatever happens though... to be honest, i'm really liking walking.... this dvd sure makes it easy... and adding the hand weights makes the 1 mile a challenge.... i know, 1 mile with 5lb. weights... you gotta start somewhere though.... saturday i was getting ready to go run some errands and thought, just for kicks i'm going to try on some shorts that i've been using as a "goal" since i started weight watchers.... i haven't been able to wear these shorts since i worked at comet... that was at the end of high school and the beginning of college (my 10 year high school is this year, october)... OMG! they fit, comfortably!!! i was so shocked and surprised!!! and too excited!! i think that made my weekend!! and motivated the hell out of me!!! hopefully my head will quit pounding so i will feel like weighing in tonight!!

Too Cute!!!

i absolutely love this picture!! it is too adorable!! kinda makes me want some "pet" pandas... hehe...
things have been good this week.... i've been in a pretty good mood.... i haven't really gotten upset this week, well, maybe i have, but not as bad as it has been.... i don't know if it has something to do with my subconscious and me talking about working on keeping my emotions in check... probably so but that's ok, i'll take that! but i really am working on keeping my anger in check and trying to difuse it before it gets out of control... i'm learning the warning signs that i'm about to get really mad and starting to take action to calm down before i just fly off the handle... it's working pretty good! my co-worker and i are actually able to have a conversation... a short one, but it's a start! this weekend we're going out to a friend's house to watch the races.... her 30th b-day was yesterday so we're celebrating that... i've got all my fingers and toes crossed that we're off on the 29th.... the 28th is my birthday and it sure would be nice to have monday off!! we'll just have to wait and see though!! we need to get the bedroom put back together... well, basically hang the stuff on the walls... when we get that done i'm going to post pics of the new bedroom... i love it and am so excited about it!! the bed is still way too comfortable!! getting king sized pillows really helped too... i didn't realize that there was so much difference between a regular pillow and a king sized one... as r puts it, not having your face fall in the crack of two pillows when you roll over is great, i sleep much better! less than 5 hours til the weekend!!

Not Quitting!

the past couple of days i've been feeling very anxious.... i'm not sure why but i just know that i've been feeling anxious.... i need to delve into my emotions deeper to see if i can figure out why.... i read this blog, doc's place, and it is so good!! i found it one day when looking for tips on anxiety, anger, and depression... i saw this on there today and it made me think:

Control is a very important issue for most of us, especially those who are anxiety disordered. This does not mean being a controlling person of those around us but rather being in control of our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

control is very important to me! not controlling my environment so much as controlling myself... i can see now why people have eating disorders and stuff like that... they can control their eating, even if that's the only thing.... i want and need control of my life... living it for me and not anyone else... i am happy and i am going to continue to be happy.... my life is great and it is getting better! i have more than i need and am grateful for that... today most of the stuff that i have been reading has had to do with positive thoughts and affirmations... my positive affirmation is:

No matter how long it takes, I won't quit!

what is it? whatever it is that i'm dealing with or talking about... losing weight... controlling my anger and emotions... using positive thoughts and affirmations.... whatever it is, i'm not going to quit it.... i guess now i need to make a list of a few very important goals... or i should say, goals that i am going to achieve....

My Goals:
1. Repeat my (or a) positive affirmation when i think about it or when negative thoughts try to creep into my mind.
2. Learn to "control" my emotions.... this includes learning what triggers my anger and other emotions....
3. Exercise more.... as much as i hate to admit it, i have been feeling better lately... exercise helps...
4. Lose weight... my weight loss will be aided by my other 3 goals....

I have 4 goals right now... yes, they are very broad goals but they are my goals... and no matter how long it takes, I won't quit!!

-35 total

i went and weighed in last night! i lost 3lbs for a total of 35lbs lost!!! yeah!!! i am so excited!!! i feel so much better and my smaller clothes fit now!! getting another 5lb star really motivated me!! this week will be a small challenge but that's ok... as long as i don't gain i'm fine with it!! my birthday is coming up at the end of the month so that will be a small challenge too but, like i said, as long as i don't gain i'm cool with it!!!
on a different note, i think i may have some clue as to why myspace makes me feel funny.... i don't think i have a very good "outlook" of myself... i see myself as not a very good friend and sometimes not a very good person.... myspace brings back feelings i felt in high school and later.... when i was really depressed and down on myself.... my self-image has gotten better but it's still not as good as it could be.... but i'm working on that... change is and can be a good thing! i have never really considered myself a "social" person... i feel that i'm kinda shy until i get to know you... i guess i guard myself so that the other person won't think i'm a "loser".... this morning i read an article on perfection and trying to make your life perfect.... i think that's how i am... i try so hard to make everything perfect... all i should really be worried about it doing and being the best i can be... no one is perfect.... the work continues (and i suppose it always will!!)... i'm not griping or being hard on myself now.... i'm just "calling it like i see it"... i am going to work on my self-image... i have a lot to be proud of and should be!!! here's what i read on perfection:

Letting Go Of Perfection
It is good to remember that one of our goals in life is to not be perfect. We often lose track of this aspiration. When we make mistakes, we think that we are failing or not measuring up. But if life is about experimenting, experiencing, and learning, then to be imperfect is a prerequisite. Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead.This doesn't mean that we don't strive to be our best. We simply accept that there is no such thing as perfection-especially in life. All living things are in a ceaseless state of movement. Even as you read this, your hair is growing, your cells are dying and being reborn, and your blood is moving through your veins. Your life changes more than it stays the same. Perfection may happen in a moment, but it will not last because it is an impermanent state. Trying to hold on to perfection or forcing it to happen causes frustration and unhappiness. In spite of this, many of us are in the habit of trying to be perfect. One way to nudge ourselves out of this tendency is to look at our lives and notice that no one is judging us to see whether or not we are perfect. Sometimes, perfectionism is a holdover from our childhood-an ideal we inherited from a demanding parent. We are adults now, and we can choose to let go of the need to perform for someone else's approval. Similarly, we can choose to experience the universe as a loving place where we are free to be imperfect. Once we realize this, we can begin to take ourselves less seriously and have more fun. Imperfection is inherent to being human. By embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself.

Feeling Funny

i haven't had very much to do at work today.... ok, i've basically been surfing all day long... i had a little bit of stuff to do but not very much... now i'm just trying to look busy.... seeing as how i had so much free time today i got on myspace.... i don't know what it is about that site but it makes me feel funny.... how, i don't know how exactly?!?! how does it make me feel? uncomfortable.... like, it just leaves me feeling funny inside... anxiety maybe?!?! yeah, a little bit.... i'll start searching for people and will find some and won't find others... i guess it brings back memories and that's where the anxiety comes from... it's not just one certain memory either... it makes me feel uneasy.... i guess maybe part of it comes from me... not exactly judging people but i'll be looking at their profile and ok fine, make a judgement about them, and then i find myself thinking, people probably look at my page and are like, loser!! she has nothing better to do than write about and mess with her kitties.... i don't know if it's all of part of something along these lines... all i know is that for some reason myspace makes me uncomfortable... it's all in my head too.... i'll be fine before but for instance, now.... i feel weird... like, i'm a no one... my life sucks and everyone else probably thinks so.... i don't feel that my life sucks... at least not now and not all the time.... yes, there are downer times and crap like that but it doesn't suck... and even if i said it does, it probably really doesn't, i'm just in a bad mood... if i was really unhappy i would work to change it... i'm working on myself physically and mentally now.... trying to fix what i'm not really fond of.... but why with the myspace bothering me?!?!?! i don't understand or get it... maybe i do and i'm subconsciously repressing it.... there is something on or around there that makes me anxious....(it's a good thing i'm not repeating myself!!!!) see, now i'm getting upset with myself for repeating myself... and for letting myspace make me feel like this.... i wish i could pinpoint exactly what it is... it's almost like a sadness.... i feel like there is a black hole inside me somewhere... all over a website?!?! see, this is what i'm talking about.... this is frustrating!!! maybe i just know that there are going to be people on there that i don't want to see and/or talk too and know that i may have to deal with them... i guess i just need to either stay off of there or figure out what the problem is and deal with it.... weirdo!!

Good Stuff!

we had a really good weekend... the carpet was installed friday.... the bed came on saturday... man, it looks good!! the bed is huge!! it comes up to my hip! when i sit on the bed my feet don't touch the floor! that's what i'm talking about!! and OMG! it is so comfortable!!! i have slept like a baby the past 2 nights!! it's so nice having that much room!!! wow!!! i didn't know how much of a difference it would make!!! like i said, we had a good and productive weekend... got lots done around the house... got the house cleaned really good yesterday!! it looks good! i'm really happy about everything!! also, on a weight note, i am able to wear a pair of jeans, shorts, and capris that i wasn't able to wear before!! so excited about that!!! my scale shows i lost... i'm not sure how much but i've been doing some exercises that i printed off of weightwatchers.com... they involve handweights... i've been doing those... i didn't walk this week but i'm going to walk this week coming up... thursday is one of my friends 30th birthdays so we're going out to their house to watch the nascar race on saturday night.... i go weigh in tonight and i'm staying for the meeting... i think the meetings really help me stay focused and on track more... as much as i hate to admit it.... hehe.... i've lost a total of 32lbs so far!! my goal now is to lose 3lbs more so that i can get another 5lb star!! i have been really motivated this last week, as opposed to about the past month, oops!!
the weekend was good though!! hopefully i'll have more good news to report tomorrow!!!

TGIF!!

i am SO glad that it is friday!!! this week seemed to drag by... only because i have been waiting on the new carpet and bed... the carpet is being installed as i blog.... the bed will be here tomorrow!! tonight is the last night of sleeping in the dining room... and on the old bed!! tomorrow night, 14" extra of wonderful mattress!!! i am so excited and so looking forward to it!! it might be kinda hard to get me out of bed sunday.... i am really glad that the bedroom will be done tomorrow!! then i can get everything put back in its place and get the house cleaned... it is dirty!! my mood is much better... today is pretty much the first day of that though... my dr. appt. was cancelled this morning... i had a message on the machine when i got home yesterday... no biggie though... my mood has improved and if i can make it thru today i'll be all good!! at least for this weekend anyways... hehe... there hasn't been much going on... i went by mom and dad's last night and visited with them for a few minutes... they have a huge home improvement project going on... they just got new countertops in the kitchen and they look SO good!! marble!!! very nice!! mom is coming over to kittysit while the carpet guys are there... she is so wonderful!! i am tired from not sleeping too well lately but, today is friday... i know i can make it to 5:00!! more later!

-1.5

well, luckily all went well at the weigh in last night... i even stayed for the meeting! i think that staying for the meeting really helped my attitude a lot... man, i forgot how funny our leader is... i was cracking up thru the whole thing.... i think the meetings help my attitude.. how, i'm not sure, but i think they do.... r and i went and picked out carpet yesterday... they're going to install it friday morning... then hamilton bryan is delivering our bed on saturday.... i'm ready for it... i haven't been sleeping too well in the "dining room"... not sure what that's about either but... soon everything will be back to "normal".... yesterday turned out to be a not too bad day after all... last night at the meeting our leader was talking about last week's discussion and negative attitudes and thoughts... she said, everytime you have a negative thought or attitude about something turn it into a positive... you are not allowed to have negative thoughts.... she also said, this is going to seem impossible to do all at once but it's not... with time it will become easier and easier... that reminded me of my self help books that i really need to be reading! i think my reading material might help contribute to some of my bad attitudes... crime and murder mystery books... i'm not saying i'm going to go commit a crime or murder but reading that versus a positive self help book... well, there's a difference on how they impact you, well, me anyways.... i've got a whole ton of stuff to do up at work but just can't seem to get motivated.... everything that i need to do is "big" and requires a lot of time... anywho, the meeting helped my mood! i lost 1.5lbs so that is good!! the bedroom is done... well, the plans are in place for it to be done... that makes me less stressed too!! i'm going (to try) to remember to keep a positive attitude!!!

What the....

once again, it is monday... am i excited it's monday... nope, not in the least... i don't even know where to begin... r and i had a very productive weekend... i got the bedroom painted and faux finished... we pulled up the carpet, pad, staples, and tack strips, and decided to get carpet... no hardwood floors... i really don't want to have to maintenance them anyways... we're going to look at carpet this afternoon.... lately my mood has just been bad... it will be ok for a day or 2 but then it just seems to go back to nastiness.... i was on r's ass all weekend long... he could not do anything right... and it wasn't him though, it was me... he said, i just want you to have fun working on the bedroom... well it would have been much more fun had someone helped me... ok, i had help moving the furniture and taking the carpet and pad out but that was about it... saturday he made several comments to me and i was like, how do you expect me to have fun when i know that this is stressing you out and i'm stressed, plus not to mention all the other stresses besides the bedroom? (he is not a fan of home improvement projects at all...)... one of his comments made me feel so unappreciated though... it had nothing at all to do with the bedroom either... it was about his stupid cell phone... i go see dr. b, the psychiatrist, on friday... i'm kinda glad but kinda not... when i was really down he always upset me because he wanted to know what was bugging me... the last time i went to see him i had a really good visit... i have a sneaky feeling this friday won't be like the last appointment with him.... what to do though... the only decision i've been able to come too is to quit taking my pain meds... i can barely tolerate them... they put me in such a foul mood.... i think that's what's been wrong with me the past couple of weeks.... i feel the same way on these that i did on the ones before... so irritable and if you don't do whatever it is my way and now, well, i'm going to be pissed... i'll probably find a reason to be pissed anyways to be perfectly honest... i have been so pissed lately and it kinda scares me how quick i can go from being in an ok mood to just extreme anger.... that's how it's been going lately... pissed at everyone too.... i want to just go and stay home with my furbabies... i know that's not healthy but, whatever... oh yeah, speaking of healthy.... i watched my points like a hawk this week... i didn't even get into my flex points until sunday! this morning the scale showed i gained like 1-2lbs... what?? i walked tuesday and wednesday, thursday night started kilzing the blue walls in the bedroom and then worked friday after work and all weekend long... basically from the time i woke up saturday and sunday until i went to bed i worked on the bedroom... all weekend long, all by myself... it doesn't matter now, it's over and done with though... i'm keeping my fingers crossed that they can put the carpet in soon!!! if not, i don't know what we're going to do.... but yeah, back to the weigh in tonight.... i watched my points all week long, tried to eat healthier, and exercised!! if i go tonight and gained i'm going to cry... i have no idea what to do then... we'll just have to wait and see... no more pills though, i've got to get myself back under control.... damn the circles i keep going in!

Yuck

it is monday.... yuck! i am so not excited about it either... i can't believe it's may 1st already though... that is just crazy, the year is almost half over!! i'm just blah again today and not sure why.... i just really don't want to be here today and have a bad attitude about it... i'm going to weigh in tonight and i'm staying for the meeting! i have too... i have no idea how i did this week... the scale this morning showed i lost... not sure how much but hopefully i didn't gain... i'm just blah... very irritated and edgy... might be the pain meds... could be my attitude... not sure and right now i really don't care... hopefully today will go by fast!!! i'm ready for 5!!
saturday r and i went and mattress shopped.... we picked out and bought our mattress though it won't be here for 2-3 weeks... that's ok though... i bought a comforter and sheet set saturday night and now i want to repaint the bedroom... i really want to get new carpet or redo the hardwoods but right now i'm just shooting for painting.... before we get the new bed anyways... i'm really excited about the bed!! it will be so nice to actually sleep thru the night!!! the race is today, it was rained out yesterday..... i wore my carl t-shirt for good luck hopefully!!!

In the Closet

r and i were sitting here talking tonight about life and how we handle things... i said that his family made me nervous because i never know if they're going to call me out on something... not anything big, just anything... that makes me nervous, talk about anxiety... he said, well, your parents raised you pg-13 and kept everything in the closet, even though un-pg-13 things were happening... i was part of it... i think mom and dad "knew" what i was doing, for the most part, and to be honest, it wasn't that bad.. (it took me a while but i'm a good person now...) we don't talk about anything... high school, my senior year, december-ish... my solution, don't deal with it... blow it off... if it keeps trying to come back and you still don't want to deal with it and blowing it off isn't working, just drop it or pretend it never happened... i've done this recently and for that, i am truly sorry... i didn't realize that was how i handled things.. but it is... until r and i had this conversation i never realized that his family stressed me out because of that fear and i never realized that me just not dealing with things was really how i handled problems or really, how i ran away... r's family was very relaxed when he was growing up and they still are... they were never being punished (get this, he was NEVER grounded, not once that he can remember!!!! i can't tell you how much time i spent grounded... i think like cumulative 3 of my 4 years of high school)... his parents were always hanging out with people, partying, whatever... they got into "bitching" matches... the parents would bitch at the kids and then the kids would start bitching at the parents... i've seen it but it is so odd to me.. not exactly the same type of fights that my parents and i got into... now i'm not saying that my family didn't deal with things but we did and we didn't... we did in our way... we were punished, and i'm not disagreeing with that at all... better believe that my kids will get spanked!! i think that some of both worlds is something that we can both take away and utilize later on in life.... that's my opinion... i'm not saying it's a bad thing at all... to me it's a realization... i also realized that not dealing with things is not a good thing... it can almost destroy a very good friendship, luckily in my case my friend was a good enough person to keep trying... we haven't talked yet but i would like too soon... that makes me nervous as hell but man, i owe it to her... i need to deal with my "issues"... i just want it to be over and just end it... some things you can do that with, others you can't... i am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life to help me learn and grow... and also to forgive me....

Dr. Visit

so i went to see dr. bob this morning about my back... i am so glad that i did too!!! i now know the reason behind my headaches... it's my greater occipital nerve causing them.... he said he doesn't know what is triggering them but that's the reason they are where they are.... he said we could do little cortizone shots at the base of my skull if the headaches don't get better... he said that there is a lot of research being done right now on people who have chronic headaches and many diagnose them as sinus infections or migraines when in fact they may be caused by that nerve... my back "flare up", that's what they call them, hehe, could have been caused by the traction bed, especially since i haven't done anything else out of the ordinary... he put me on a 7 day packet of cortizone steriods, i don't know if all cortizone is a steriod or not... i didn't even think until later though...
diet + steriods = not good.... that's ok though... i'll deal with it, especially if it helps and keeps me from having to get another epidural injection... he also gave me some different pain meds to try... he said that if they worked and i could tolerate them to just let him know and they'll call me a prescription in.... sounds pretty good!!
ah, so the weigh in.... well, i gained 3lbs... i'm not sure what happened either but that's ok... i'm taking it in stride... like i said yesterday, i weighed sunday morning and had lost 3lbs... weighed monday morning and the weight was off the charts.... there are a number of factors it could be... i'm just going to do my best and work on keeping it off, especially while i'm on the steriods... even "giving back" the 3lbs i've still lost 30.5lbs! that's pretty dang good!!! i'm pretty excited!!!
i feel so much better today than i have in about 2 weeks (even though my back and head are still hurting)... i think it's because i went to see and talked to dr. bob.... i have been and am really impressed with dr. h and his staff.... they have been nothing but nice and understanding since i have been to see them!! i really like them!!! i told dr. bob that i felt like a hypochondriac and he said, there is no need to feel like that.... you have the signs and symptoms of everything that you have been describing... your back and head/neck are tender.... you don't need to be in pain... we can fix it, well, most of it anyways... that made me feel much better!! it's just really nice to have a dr. listen to me for once and not try to tell me it's all in my head!!

Frustration

well, guess what, i'm frustrated.... i don't think it's managed to change to pure uncontrollable anger yet but it could... i know that my pain pills make me really edgy and nervous, very irritable, and my fuse is a lot shorter but man, this is riduculous!! my co-worker has driven me up the wall.... yes, he has... he's just so damn annoying.... just leave already!!! he is such a moron but he treats everyone else like the village idiot... if he only knew.... i thought maybe blogging away my frustrations might help.... can't really tell yet if it's working or not.... i just need to keep busy!! easier said than done though.... just bored and frustrated..... come on 5:00!!!

Change of Heart

this morning when i was getting ready for work i was thinking.... i was thinking about how when i get to work i'm going to blog everything that's wrong with me... what i'm feeling.... instead of being negative though, i'm really trying to be positive... i'm pretty sure i got discouraged this morning when i got on the scale.... yesterday morning it said i had lost about 3lbs... pretty good considering i exercised twice but went to walmart yesterday and sweat there for about an hour and a half... i watched my points this week too and really didn't hardly cheat at all... i didn't go over my flex points.... this morning when i got on the scale it said i had gained 6.5lbs from where i was last week, so that's like 9.5lbs since yesterday morning... what is going on... yesterday i didn't do bad at all... we ate sandwiches for lunch and then ordered pizza for dinner... i'm not sure what happened... or if it could be all these health issues i'm having.... my back, head, neck, the . problem, now i've got another problem thanks to my pain meds... i'm not sure what is going on... all i know is that if i go to the meeting tonight and they say i've gained that much weight i am going to freak out probably.... i mean, i really don't understand.... i guess if i have then i will just have to really work out to get it off.... and really watch what i eat, even more closely i guess.... but, all i can do is work to get it off and keep it off...
it's monday and i'm not in a bad mood, just an indifferent mood... kinda, ah, blah... my head and back are really hurting today.... right now anyways... i'm really looking forward to my appointment with dr. bob tomorrow... hopefully he can shed some light on what's going on with me.... i've got a whole list of stuff i would like to talk to him about.... i really am trying to stay positive today though... we'll just have to wait and see what happens at the meeting tonight.... keep your fingers crossed for me...

Finally Friday!!

it's finally friday!! i am so glad!! i can't wait until 5:00 today!! i'm so ready for the weekend... so is my back and head!! there hasn't been much going on.... just tired and trying to take it easy.... not hurt the back anymore than it's already hurting... i don't know much.... hopefully the day will go by fast!!

Time Out

today was a rough day at work... i woke up this morning with a huge sinus headache any my back was hurting... i took a pain pill and some sinus medicine and it might have helped a little bit, not much though... i have noticed lately that my pain pills make me really edgy and very quick to get mad... i was fuming mad all day long today... over stupid stuff... i got so mad and so upset that i asked if i could leave early... i left about 2:45.... i guess today i realized what kind of an impact these pills really have on me... i don't care who you were today while i was at work, you could do nothing right... one little irritation turned into another and another and they just kept building... talk about high blood pressure... so my pain pills make me really edgy and nervous... kinda like speed... um, don't really like it... i feel like i always need to go, go, go... be doing something... but my back is still hurting, the pills help with the pain but they don't take it away, and i really don't feel like doing anything.... when i get home i take a xanax to help calm me down... it's like going from one extreme to another... now i know why when i was working at cingular and first at wichita metal that i was so easily irritated... the pills... it is all starting to make sense.... i hate the way i am/feel when i take my pain pills but without them, the pain is so bad... if the pain was bearable i wouldn't be messing with the pain pills... so now since i'm taking my pain pills i take xanax to help calm me down when i get home because i am wound up.... my patience level is way down!! that explains the road rage, the irritation in the stores, driving, screaming kids... things like that that drive me crazy.... and i've found that since i quit taking my pills i am not so easy to anger and it's easier for me to just let stuff roll off my back... i'm going to talk to the doctor next week about maybe trying something that might not affect me the way these are.... i really don't like me on the pills.... man, hindsight is well, in this case it's a learning tool.... i've discovered that me on pills and me off are two totally different people.... but i think i was on all those pills for so long i didn't realize that... that's crazy the way they completely changed me... but at least i finally figured it out... i talked to mom for over an hour this afternoon.... she can relate to where i'm coming from because of her chronic hip pain that she can't get under control.... i feel for her... on the bright side though, i feel much better now and am looking forward to going to the doctor next tuesday to see what we can do to make this whole situation better... more later though...

33.5

last night was my weigh in and much to my surprise i lost 1.5lbs! i was just hoping i didn't gain.... i am happy!! now if i can lose 1.5lbs this week i will get another 5lb. star!! yeah!! r and i are going to start walking again tonight... i just needed a break from it.... now that i've had my break i feel much better, ready to tackle it full force again!!