And It All Falls Down....

you know when there are times in your life when everything, and i mean everything, that could possibly go wrong, goes wrong... that would be where i am at right now... i know that there are many many things that i have going for me (and in my life) that i am grateful for but right now these things are not on my mind... all i can think about is all the crap that's going on... my work, the restaurant, r, r and i, family issues, my back, everything... and it seems like there is so much going on... i feel like i am "stuck" right now and i don't like it... and i feel like i have so much to blog, that i need to blog, but just don't have the desire or energy.... i sure wish i did... everything that is going on in my life right now is a challenge.... and i know that the universe will never give us more than we can handle... but me feeling this way, being so negative, and getting so caught up in all the "bad" things that are going on (and not being able to let the negativity go) i'm not allowing myself to use any of the knowledge that i've been learning over the past 2 years... anyways, i was trying so hard to stay positive, and i'm still trying, i just feel overwhelmed right now...

• both momma and daddy called me today and asked me to call my grandma... not momma's mom but daddy's mom... i blogged about her occasionally and it was probably not ever anythng very nice... anyways, i know that she's in the hospital, and has been in the hospital, and doesn't seem to be doing very good so they called my brother and i both to see if we would call her... to those who don't know how i feel about my grandma this is probably going to sound pretty harsh but for them both to call both of us, i think/wonder if she's about to die... i think i have blogged about something along these lines recently, dunno for sure though, i can't remember, which ties in quite nice with this next little blurp...


• my back hurting so bad has led to my physical addiction to my morphine patches and pain pills... my tolerance is growing and for me to feel "good"/"normal" enough or to have enough energy to do anything i have to take the pills and wear the patches... slowly increasing the number of pills because of my tolerance rising... otherwise, the withdrawals start to set in and life sucks... right now i'm sitting here sweating my ass off (among other things) because i'm trying to cut down on the pill consumption... this is a double whammy though because not only am i sweating my ass off, i'm in pain because i'm not taking as many pills... what do you do though?!?! i was supposed to have an appointment on may 29th to see how things were going (and so i could talk about getting a referral down to the back institute) but he had to cancel his appointments that day and he scheduled injections all day long... so now i don't get in until june 28th!!! nice!!! one more note on this, all the opiods i'm taking make me extremely irritable... which brings me to my next blurp....


• r and i... things have been not so good for/between us lately.... ok, fine, pretty really not-so-good is more like it... we can't even hold a conversation.... he is so defensive... (this couldn't be partly because of me being a mega-bitch from the note above)... but in my defense i can say that people have been asking me about him for about the past three weeks if he's ok... because he's been acting "different" and has had an attitude, not like normal though... on my side, i can't seem to do anything right.... anything... this whole situation frustrates me because we can't even hold a conversation of any length without him instantly getting defensive and mad... kinda hard to "talk things out"...


• things had been going good at my work, for once!, and then with the onset of all the not-so-good things that have been happening lately my positive attitude has gone to hell in a handbasket and that has greatly affected my attitude, at work too... also, this could be because of the patches and pills too... i'm telling you, i get extremely irritable which usually leads to me getting extremely pissed, and it seems like there is no being nice to my idiotic co-worker....

re-eading this, i am so amazed at how my attitude at one point in time affects my thoughts, emotions, actions, basically my life... and actually writing this out made me think, you know, a good attitude really is important, otherwise i'll continue to go thru life the way i have been, pissed off, angry, and mad at the world... and i don't want to be like dad's mom....

True....

Alice came to a fork in the road.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."

Stopping By

I don’t remember the last time I blogged when I was at work… but, on the other hand, my memory has been really bad lately, worse than normal… anyways, I finished with payroll early, getting it submitted anyways, and I’m just waiting for it to come back so I can check it… I need to pay some bills but they’re not going anywhere… I’ll probably just get them ready to pay today…. I’ve got two months of bank statements to reconcile… sometimes reconciling the checking account is smooth, other times, it’s a challenge and I get to hunt and hunt for something… I tried to reconcile it yesterday and I think is going to be one of those challenging times…. Work is going really good though…. J has helped me out so much… just by being here so that it’s not just rrll and I and by setting up our Access database… thanks to J, I don’t have to use my typewriter for anything except printing out mailing labels… that’s awesome!!! I’ve really been watching my attitude up here too… it hasn’t been easy but it’s getting easier, I think!!
My back… is still here… it’s feeling better though… I think the steroids kicked in and have made a difference… I think mary made a difference too… I think she massaged some of the irritation out… ok, maybe not, I have no idea what she did but it feels better… better than it has in 3 weeks!!! It’s still hurting but not near as bad…
My attitude…. Is good… it has its ups and downs but for the most part I’m working really hard on keeping it positive…. In the middle of re-reading The Secret I decided to get another book to read…. This one, Your Destiny Switch, by Peggy McColl, is much like The Secret (and the other books I’ve been reading) except this one, from my understanding, actually teaches you how to take action…. In my reading I’ve been hearing about the “Sedona Method”, also known as the Release Technique, so I decided to do a little research on that… I only started my new book last night but so far from what I can tell, this book will teach me a “version” of those techniques… I think… it sounds really interesting… I’m not sure how I’m going to do this either… I’ve been giving it some thought… The Secret along with Your Destiny Switch both have exercises that you can do… that are recommended… I am thinking about working on my exercises on my blog… and posting bits and pieces of the books that I find useful or thoughtful… it seems like right now there is so much I want to share with everyone!! Anyways, Your Destiny Switch, should explain to me how I need to go about taking action which is required… you can’t just learn and retain the knowledge… you must apply it… so, that’s where I’m at with that…
Lately I’ve been eating everything in sight… especially at home… I mean!!! Everything!!! It’s like I’m a bottom-less pit… but, I think it’s a hormonal thing right now…
I don’t know much…. I’ve just been working… Saturday night we watched the race over at a friend’s house… it was so much fun… we hadn’t hung out with clint in forever!!! Just like old times!!! I said we watched the race, we tried too, but it got rained out so we ended up just hanging out with clint and friends and then Sunday we watched the race… that was about it… work has been good… r is doing good… we are doing good… just rocking along… I need to print/fill out our mortgage loan papers so we can start looking at houses… nothing “major” is going on right now and I’m very much fine with that!!!
And our positive thought for today is:
You are not responsible for everyone's happiness.
I am responsible for my own happiness and I trust that others can take care of themselves.

Week in Review

Since I’ve been very blog delinquent lately I decided to post a week in review (which seems to be very long!!)… overall, it was a really good week… and my attitude has had a major part in that…

Sunday- r and I watched the race… carl’s engine failed way early in the race and he finished 42nd (out of 43).. he dropped from 8th to 12th in the points… the last 10 races only the top 12 drivers in points are in “the chase”…. It’s still early in the season though….
I didn’t work on inventory or our weekly expense/income report for the restaurant but oh well, I’ll get it done… the back was hurting bad…. Other than that I didn’t really do much else…

Monday- I worked… called the doctor and waited for his nurse to call me back… momma and I talked on the phone that night for over 2 hours and after we were done my attitude had totally changed… I felt better than I have in a long time, emotionally… the past two weeks I have been receiving things… things that I needed… pushes that I need to take “action”… momma made the comment that taking action is the hardest part of making changes… I had also read that recently somewhere else… I keep receiving the same “messages”/thoughts… I know what I need to do now I just need to do it… I’m working on that…

Tuesday- the dr. called and I went in at 10:20… he said that when they do the injection they first “wash” the area with a solution of some sort and then they inject the medicine… they watch the whole procedure on x-ray and he said that there was nothing abnormal about mine, it went just as it was supposed too… he said that on very rare occasions though, during the washing process, the washing of the area can actually become more irritated and then when the medicine is injected it doesn’t really work because it was pretty much just severely irritated again… that makes sense… I just don’t understand why it just happened on shot #10… but then again, it’s like I blogged the other day, I’ve been considering going down to the metroplex area to the back institute to see about a more permanent option… so… what to do?!?! My dr. said he would refer me down there if I wanted to go and that they refer a lot of their patients there… plus, I’ve heard and read good things about the back institute… so back to my dr. visit… he explained what he thought was the reason behind the pain… he put me on a 6 day dose of oral steroids… today is my second to last day… day 5 of 6 I suppose… my back is still killing me… it doesn’t feel like it is getting any better…
I have been reading the secret again, slowly and really reading it… at the first part of the book this one guy suggests doing some “exercises” so I jotted them down with the intention of doing them but haven’t had a chance yet…
Also, I get this email… some newsletter I subscribe to but hardly ever read anything out of it but I always look to see what’s in it… n-e-ways, an article caught my eye, I read the blurb and decided to download what turned out to be an e-book… I saved it and then promptly forgot about it…

Wednesday- I worked… my back hurt all damn day…. But when I got off work momma and I went and did a little retail therapy… we went to eat at a chinese food buffet… I had some sushi and fried donuts… yummy, yummy, yummy!!! Then we went to old navy and I was going to buy some new clothes with some of my money from working with km and fam during tax season but momma treated me!! I was so excited… plus, I got some cute shirts!!! You know those clothes that fit good and make you feel good… one of them is already my favorite polo I know… I love it… it’s one of my “it makes me feel good” shirts… while momma and I were at the mall we walked down to one of my favorite stores… I wanted to go down there to see if I could find a gift… I found two good gifts…

Thursday- I worked… once again, my back hurt all day long… after work I went to walmart… it was “cleaning night” but that didn’t happen… I couldn’t tackle the house after walmart… I got home from walmart and kinda pre-cleaned the house… wrapped a gift so I could mail it Friday morning…. And here’s what I was thinking while I was wrapping the gift (this is the continuation of the gift buying from Wednesday)… I am one of those people who normally doesn’t like to buy presents for people unless they tell me exactly what they want… this time thought, I found two smaller gifts that I think my friend will really like… ironically this time, the gift buying wasn’t the problem… the wrapping of the present was… well, the presents had to be shipped and I am not a shipper.. r is the one who packs and gets the box and stuff all ready to ship and I take care of the label and the actual shipping… the box had to go out Friday morning and r wasn’t home from work yet… I looked and looked for a box and could one find one that worked but I wasn’t overly thrilled with it… then I tried to wrap the box in brown paper, I tried to use a paper bag, ghetto I know, but that didn’t work… I had no brown paper at home and finally was just like forget it… normally the wrapping of the present is the easiest part for me… this not this was not the case but that’s ok because I am really excited about the gifts!!!

Friday- I knew it was going to be a low-key day at work … it was.. and it was long… my back hurt and I tried not to put a patch on because I had a massage that night but I had to give in and put a patch on…. The back was bad!!
At work a thought had jumped into my head that I should print out that e-book that I had downloaded the other day… so I did… along with 2 other e-books I’ve had downloaded forever… it is so nuts, the universe is giving me what I need… the tools I need to take action and change what I need to change!! I am so exited… my attitude, for the most part, has been really good…
I went and got my massage last night… it was nice… mary put an ice pack on my lower back and later lightly worked it… it felt so good and last night it felt great!!!

Saturday- today is my cousin’s baby shower but I’m not going because it’s out of town and I don’t know if it would be such a good idea if made the drive because of my back… it hurts… still… I wish it felt like it did last night…. So today is here… I’m going to take it easy… relax… use my ice pack…

I have been trying to be really super conscious of my thoughts… at the dr. on Tuesday I made a list of “secret shifters” that will/can shift my attitude from negative to positive… I’ve already “used” my secret shifters list twice this week… it works… I’m loving the good attitude… your attitude really does make a difference in how you feel… I guess I’ve always know this but never really gave it much thought… more on all this later though….

Nothing Much

i decided to take a break from cleaning and filing to see what was going on elsewhere... the race is going to start in about 30 minutes and it should be a good one... talladega is always a good race, there is always a big wreck there... yesterday i spent the day cleaning out the filing cabinet and working on my 2007 file box for the restaurant stuff... i haven't filed anything since the beginning of the year because i needed to clean the file cabinet out so bad, i don't think i could have crammed anything else into it... anyways, it's all clean now... ready for our 2007 stuff... and my file box for the restaurant is as done as it can be right now, i'm out of green hanging file folders... all i have left to do today is work on the inventory as well as the weekly income/expense report that gives us an idea of what our numbers were this past week... i must say, it has been an uber productive weekend... even through the back pain...
ok, let's talk about the back for a second... it's still hurting, BAD!!! the dr. called me back friday and said to keep wearing my mophine patch and taking my pain pills and if it's still bad monday then i'll need to come see them.... i haven't had a reaction like this to any of the shots that i've had... and i know i've had over 10.... so i'm not real sure what's going to happen from here... something has too though... the pain is debilitating, it has affected every aspect of my life, things i can/can't do... i hate it and i hate that the pain got so much worse after the injection... we'll see what the dr. says... maybe it is time to go see an orthopedic surgeon about a more permanent option... a specialist in a bigger city maybe?!?! i know that my back pain is not just affecting me... it's affecting r as well... as well as my attitude regarding everything... something's gotta give...
ok, enough of the back... i'm going to end this on a positive note... the weekend has been good... r has been dealing with me well... :) now that i've got the file cabinet cleaned out and the house is getting more organized i feel so much better... and, this was pretty exciting... do you ever tear something out of a magazine or print something off the computer, something helpful or informative, that you know you can "use" or "reference" later... i do this all the time... i was working on the file cabinet yesterday and was trying to remember the time length recommended to keep financials and stuff like that.... i thought, you know, i think i have something like this printed out AND i think i know where it's at... guess what, i knew exactly where it was AND it was exactly what i needed!! i was so impressed with myself!!! i think that is the one time i have had something like that happen!!! it was very exciting!!! anyways, the race is about to start and i'm going to work on inventory and then our state unemployment tax... it's the last tax report i have left to do that is due tomorrow... well, it's done, i just need to file it online... i'm off to watch the race and work a bit... and to have a nice relaxing sunday!!

Ouch!!

yesterday morning was my first injection.... this is my fourth set that i've had done... and i don't remember any of them hurting as bad as this one.... momma and i got to the hospital a few minutes before my appointment time at 6:30am.... they pulled me out of my room maybe 8:30ish to take me down to the or.... we were done about 10:30 and went to get some breakfast at ihop... i love me some pancakes!!! the injection site was tender when we left the hospital but that's to be expected.... momma dropped me off and i took a nap... when i woke up my back was killing me!! pretty much yesterday, if i wasn't sleeping i was crying because of the pain... it seems to be so much worse than it was before the injection... the information that the dr. gives you though says that the injection site can be sore for 24 to 48 hours after the injection.... so i guess that's to be expected but i have never had pain like this before... i just hope it gets better soon!!! anyways, t sent me home today around 11:30.... he called before he came in and asked how i was feeling.... i told him not good but it's been worse... he came on into work and then sent me home... he said it was silly of me to sit around (well, when i was sitting) in as much pain as i'm in and try to work.... since i had everything done that i had to get done today, i was out of there!! i've got the ice pack on my back and plan on keeping it there pretty much the rest of the day... it's raining here so i'm going to sleep and recover today.... i'll check back in later...

Checking In

i think i had actually forgotten how much i loved to blog... until this morning... things are calming down... life is becoming a little less busy one day at a time... which is really good.. i have been really hectic lately... i feel bad for r... having to put up with me... whew... anyways, i guess i had a "realization" that i have to calm down... anyways, i don't want to bring up all the old negative stuff so... friday night i had an hour and a half massage! it was a treat to myself for working so hard... it was nice!!! r and i went out to km's last night and watched the race... carl did good, he came in 11th... not bad at all... he's 8th in the points right now which is excellent!! (the top 12 drivers in points are in the chase the last 10 races)... so today i'm going to clean the house... tomorrow morning i have to be at the hospital at 6:30 for my first cortizone epidural injection... i plan on coming home tomorrow morning after my shot, relax/nap, and then tomorrow afternoon work on my unemployment tax and quarterly payroll tax reports that are due the 30th... that way i won't have to worry about doing them at work... which will allow me to get caught up at work... i have a few "time sensitive" things i need to get done at work... work has been hectic lately... that's a whole other story for a different time though... i'm keeping it positive for now... so i think i'm off to clean the house now... do some laundry... then r and i are going to watch some movies that we got in from netflix... we haven't watched any movies on our new tv yet so that's what we're going to do this afternoon!

The Blues

I’m being tested right now…. Not tested as in like a test to see if there is anything wrong with me but challenged in my life… the name of my challenger- PMS…. Sometimes it seems like PMS really doesn’t affect me that much and then some months, watch out, I’m like a walking talking emotional basketcase…. That would be the case today… and yesterday… with PMS though, there are some things that are just a given, like eating- wanting to eat all the time- craving sweets and salty foods- and pretty much just food in general…
This morning started off about like yesterday morning… (and like many mornings started when I was working at cingular, though not near as bad)….my thoughts weren’t very positive, I was already getting sad about leaving the kitties and r… even though r had already left for work… my thought pattern this morning and yesterday morning brought back memories of the way I felt everyday when I was working at cingular… most mornings I would end up bawling because I so didn’t want to go to work…. And I usually didn’t end up going to work… that’s not an option here and I’m kinda glad it isn’t…
Saturday after I got off work at the CPA office, I went home and R and I went to sam’s and bought a tv… 60”!!! that’s 5’ of tv!!! It is huge but I love it!!! that night, R and one of our friends came over to help us put it together and to hook all the stereo stuff back up… I can’t wait until Sunday, the Texas race is on!!! the first race on our big tv!! YEAH!!!
Easter Sunday R and I went over to momma and daddy’s and ate lunch… it was SO good… I haven’t had a home cooked meal in about forever and it was excellent… I just kept on eating and eating… it was so good to see momma, daddy, and grandma… I haven’t seen them in forever and I miss them… momma and I used to do something about once a week but since tax season has gotten a little hectic I don’t get to see her hardly at all… seeing them on Sunday really made me miss them though…. after we ate, r and I went home… I worked on and finished up my restaurant stuff and then we cleaned the house… I don’t know if the house was just that dirty or if we cleaned that good but the house looks awesome!!!
It was cold here this weekend (in the 40s) so the kitties were inside most of it… since I’ve been working late, Murph has been mr. snuggle-bug, I want/need lots of love and attention… I don’t think he likes both of us working late…. That’s ok though, I won’t be working late much longer… as of next Tuesday, things will calm down!!! But yeah, the kitties are so precious… Murphy is always wanting love and attention and Mazzy does too but she just doesn’t want to admit it….
And this probably sounds nutso- since R, I, and the kitties had such a good weekend and I got to spend so much time with them (and we had a really good weekend), I miss them… and the PMS just intensifies those feelings… I miss momma and daddy, doing stuff with them, getting to see them… I miss R with him having to work late every night… (hopefully we can move to Iowa Park soon and maybe that will change!!)
Overall, things are going good… 7 more days of tax season… then my weekends and week nights after work will go back to “normal”…. After tax season is over I’ll get to spend more time with the kitties and momma and daddy…. I had to take half a xanax this morning to keep from breaking down into tears every time someone said something to me… Anyways, I know my sadness is only temporary but I hope it passes soon…
Today’s positive thought for the day:
You are not limited by the thoughts of others. Your only limitation is the thoughts you choose to think. Whatever I believe with feeling becomes my reality.

Still Here

even though you can't tell by looking at my blog i'm still here... still around... just really busy and probably will be for the next 13 days.... this last week i worked monday thru thursday after work (with km, her mom, & her sister) putting together tax returns... i'm pretty much working every day up until april 17th except for sundays... so between that, my work, the restaurant, and then all the daily "stuff" that has to be done i've been a bit covered up... (on top of it being the end of the year for my work and the end of the quarter for the restaurant! basically, this means that i am covered up!!) i've meant to blog everyday (and it seems like something eventful has happened everyday) but i just haven't been able to find time... since i just finished the secret (at lunch) today, i guess i need to make that last statement about not being able to find time into something positive... like, i have all the time to accomplish everything that i need to do.... and believe it!! (that's the more difficult part!)....
for the most part, the secret was a good book... it did bring me back to the mindset i need to have... well, it made me aware that my mindset hasn't been what it needs to be.... so i am working on trying to stay positive... and for the most part, i think i've been doing a really good job... don't get me wrong, i've had my negative days but that's just something that's going to happen.... one day i'll share some of the book's end of chapter summaries... i would now but it's out in the car and i really don't want to go get it...
so, what has been going on.... last week....
tuesday- went to my psychiatrist that morning... he said good deal about my positive attitude... that changing your attitude will, can, and does help your outlook and how you feel... he gave me a kudos on the attitude thing, he said, especially because of my back.... later that morning i had an appt with my back dr... we talked about different treatments and he told me that if i wanted to see orthopedic surgeon he would be happy to refer me to one but he thinks that we should do a cortizone shot or two first to try to relieve some of the pain... he isn't for sure if the surgeon would treat me with everything being as irritated as it is... the surgeon would probably want to do something else first to take away some of the swelling and irritation... so we're going to be setting up a series of up to three shots to see if they will take away some (or most) of the pain... then he asked how my pain meds were working... i said, well, they really don't seem to be helping... his reply was that he didn't think so from the looks of my mri & xrays... so he put me on morphine patches (duragesic) until we can get the back calmed down a bit... i've been on the patches before and didn't have any problems with them... i haven't seemed to have any problems with these either... besides the irritability... but, i think that all opiods will cause irritability in me... each patch works for 72 hours.... then you take that one off and slap another one on.... :) the patches are working better than the pills though and right now i'll take whatever works!! he said that he thinks that the reason i keep having such bad headaches is because i have no curve in my neck.... i've done a little researching on this and everything that i've seen seems to link no neck curve to bad headaches... very interesting....
thursday- i went and signed the papers for my car... r went and signed them on friday... the '03 white passat i blogged about last time is mine!! his name is phoenix... and i love him!! he is so nice!!! don't worry, pics are coming soon!! they detailed my car for me yesterday so he looks really good today!!
friday- r's 33rd birthday... i went out to eat with jw and her family (r was working)... we went to the restaurant and then jw and i went and got a pedicure!! that was the first real pedicure i've ever had and i loved it!!! i really enjoy hanging out with jw and her family... they are so much fun!! and get this, i love her kids... they are so fun!!! (and that is scary to me!!) but yeah, they are so much fun...
saturday- i worked... r decided (at the last minute) to close on saturday, just because he didn't want to work, and that was a hot button for me... i'm over it now but it was just the whole situation that pissed me off, not just the fact that he wasn't working... i'm not going to get into it because i don't want to dredge it all up again... let bygones be bygones.... when i got off work kb and her husband were in town... it was really good to see them because r and i hadn't seen them or hung out with them in forever!!! it's always nice to see old friends!!! i just feel kinda bad because i wasn't in the best mood though... i was tired, in pain, and upset (at r).... kb did bring me a beautiful present though!!! her name is goldie and she is a "porch kitty"... a statue... i'll have to post a pic of her!!!
oh yeah, ewok is pregnant!!! yes she is, i know, i know!! kb pointed that out on saturday!!! ewok is so tiny too!!! bless her heart!!! i feel for her!!! poor little kitty momma!!!
sunday- worked on the weekly numbers and payroll.... watched the race... carl came in 14th (i think).... sunday was productive but not as productive as i hoped it would be... that's ok though... i have another one coming up!!!
i'm not sure if my work will be open on friday.... my boss, t, is a devout catholic and we usually try to close for good friday unless production is way backed up or something... i'm pretty confident that we won't work or if we do work it will just be a half day... i've already talked to km and they said that if i'm not working here i'll go over there and work... which would be nice, maybe i could kinda get caught up over there... even though there will be no real catching up until tax season is over!! :)
saturday night after i get off work r and i are going to go look for a tv... the one in the living room is small... i say small, it's not that small, but it's just not big! so we're going to go look for a big tv.... that's r's birthday present.... we're getting a new tv!!! i'm really excited about it too!!! now we'll have an awesome tv to go with our awesome surround sound so that now when we watch the race it'll be way more excellent!! i feel like there was about a million more things i was going to blog about but of course they all left me when i actually started blogging... anywho, instead of working on reconciling the restaurant's checking account, i thought i'd blog... i feel better and i'm so glad i got to blog!!! i miss it!! more soon!!!

Attitude

If you can’t change anything else, you can always change your attitude… Thursday night I was reading “the secret” and it was getting me back where I needed to be… helping to get me back on track… basically I needed a good swift kick to the a$$ and that’s what it gave me… I had let myself wander off my “learning” path…
Friday was one of the best days that I’ve had in a long time (and I’m still having good days!!)… I woke up in an excellent mood Friday… got to work, didn’t even let me co-worker piss me off… j, my co-worker, bought a dot matrix printer for us Thursday night so we set that up… my days of using my typewriter to bill out are numbered!!! I am so excited!!! R and I had seen on the news either Wednesday or Thursday night that the Budweiser Clydesdales were in town and I found out Friday that they were going to be here until Tuesday!!! So I was bound and determined to go see them!!! I think Clydesdales are beautiful horses but had never seen them in person before… I wanted to go last year but R didn’t “want to go see some stupid horses” so I decided that this year I was going, come hell or high water!! And I did!! I went out to see them on Saturday and took pics of them!!! They are huge but so docile and gentle!! Then I realized that I had a massage with mary on Friday night… plus, I didn’t have to work on Saturday… not besides delivering a catering job we had to do and all I had to do was to deliver the food!! Ever since the “shift” in my attitude I can really tell a difference in the way things are going!!! let me see, I had a whole list of stuff that I was so excited about… ok, the dot matrix printer, the Clydesdales, Mary, not having to work Saturday, then on Saturday night Carl won the Busch race!!! He came in 12th in the Cup race on Sunday!! But he’s still in the top 12 in points so let’s keep the momentum up Carl!!! I know you can do it!! This year has already started out much better than last year did for Carl so I know it’s going to be an awesome year for him!!!
Ah, yes, on Saturday as I was getting ready to leave to go pick up the food to deliver I looked outside and my father-in-law had delivered “my new” passat to me… it’s an ’03… two years newer than my old one… it’s white with black leather interior… and OMG, it is beautiful and I love it!!! and the features it has on it, wow, I am so super excited!!! And I feel like we are stealing it since we are getting such a good deal on it!! bonus, it’s already got dark deep tinted windows and the factory wheels are nice!!! So the only thing that we really need to do to get it back to the condition my other one was in is put a “stubby” antenna on it and an aftermarket cd player... the only reason I want an aftermarket cd player is so that R can put some speakers in it for me… I love a good stereo system (oh yeah, junk in my trunk!!)!!! pics of it coming soon!!!
One more thing…. How could I forget this? we catered a BPW event on Saturday (that’s the organization that km, her mom, and her sister belong too- the one that she won Woman of the Year for this year)… Saturday was their Spring Awards ceremony and km won 2 awards!!! She won the most active (maybe that wasn’t exactly what it was called but the one who is doing the most work… putting in a ton of effort, being really active) and then she won Regional Woman of the Year!!! I am so proud of her, I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am!!! that is so awesome!!! All at the young age of 28!!! she is just such an amazing giving person!!! There should be more people like her in this world!!
I’m really enjoying “the secret”…. I’ll go into more details on it in a separate blog… as well as the Clydesdales… things are going really good.... the attitude shift is what I needed… I had been in such a bad mood for what seemed like a while and I know why… it was my attitude… things are changing though… oh yeah they are, and for the better!!
Here was my positive thought for today: The future is unfolding in perfect order filled with wonder and joy. I trust that my future is unfolding in perfect order. I expect my life to be filled with joy and success. (and I know, trust, and believe this!!)

Update on the back: the pain is bad… (Thursday and Friday it got to the point where I almost couldn’t walk)… really bad though I’m trying not to think about it (as much as possible!) I do go see the dr. tomorrow though… I’m going to talk to him about maybe trying something a little more permanent than the epidural cortisone shots (maybe a discectomy) and see what he says… at least after tomorrow I will know what action we’re going to take to take care of the pain… then (hopefully) I will be on the road to recovery!!!

Nothing Exciting

i feel like i have been hectic lately!!! and if i have been hectic, i apologize... i kinda feel that life is spiraling out of control... mainly only because of the pain... the back pain is unbelievable... and not in a good way either... i can only imagine how tired everyone is of hearing about my pain and how it hurts... but i mean, damn!!! this sucks!!! i am so glad i go to the dr. on tuesday!!! something has to give and soon... so my back and leg pain is making me hectic... i'm taking so many pain pills and they are not helping... well, they're helping to make me hectic and make my attitude bad... this is so horrible but it's like i want to take my pain out on everyone else and make them hurt like i'm hurting... i know, it's so wrong... i'm still "in control" but i can see that my attitude is getting worse... man, having back problems sucks!!! i wouldn't wish a herniated disc on my worst enemy!! (oh yeah, i think the cyst (sp?) on my wrist is back- r has only smashed it three times now!) ok, i just had to get it out... i've been trying to find something to do to take my mind off of the pain but not having much luck... i thought i'd see if i could "blog it out"...
ok, now that the negativity is out, on a different note... i have started reading "the secret" by rhonda byrne... i'm only about 10 pages into it but i already love it... the other day (before i started reading the book) i started thinking about movies i've been watching, books i've been reading, shows i watch on tv... and most of it isn't positive or "good"... they say that what you put into your mind is what you get out... good in, good out... garbage in, garbage out... and i thought, maybe what i've been "feeding" my mind could have something to do with my attitude too... i honestly don't think that my whole attitude problem is solely based on my thoughts, but i do know that it does play a part... i need to work on changing my thoughts!!! (the first 10 pages of the book have already reinforced that)... so i am excited about the book... and i get to go see mary tomorrow... an hour massage, so needed, and it will be so nice!!

Tidbits

I was in such a good mood today… that is until I got to work… all my co-worker did was holler at me (and scared me half to death!)… if he would get off his lazy ass there would be no need to scream at people… if I’m at lunch or whatever and he has to answer the phone he just sits at his desk and screams at people… we do have an intercom or whatever on our phone where you could just buzz the person but that would be too easy I suppose…but no, he’s probably too busy working on his freaking stupid church books!! (sorry, but he royally pisses me off!! Freaking idiot!! I can’t stand him!!)
Anyways, besides being pissed at him for being such a freaking moron, I am in a good mood!! There’s been a passat up at the dealership that r’s dad works at all week long… I haven’t seen it yet but from what r’s dad has said, it’s really clean and the guy took really good care of it… he said that even though it’s got high mileage they’re mostly all highway miles… I’m really excited about it though!! we’ll see!! we were talking last night about my new car and trying to decide if we should just pay for it outright or have a car payment…. I think we decided that we’ll just see what kind of interest rate we can get and have them play with some numbers… see what works out the best… I just like having a “safety net” in case something comes up… or in case the restaurant needs to borrow money….
I was talking to my co-worker, j, and he said that he’s been looking for a dot matrix printer… our delivery tickets and invoices are carbon copies and t doesn’t want to move away from that so we’ve been kicking the idea around about getting a dot matrix printer so that I won’t have to use my typewriter!! Talk about making my life so much easier!! That would be awesome!!! Typing up delivery tickets and invoices on the typewriter is so time consuming… not to mention that sometimes my invoices and delivery tickets look horrible because of all the bold x’s that I use to cover up my mistakes… plus, I don’t know how much longer my typewriter is going to last…. I think sammy (the typewriter) might be coming close to the end…. He’s becoming very temper mental and doesn’t work right all the time….
I go back to the dr. on Tuesday to go over the results of my mri and x-rays… we’ll see what the dr. says… I do want to talk to him about some more permanent solutions for my back…. From what I can tell, he’s always been very honest with me… I’m off work this Saturday… well, yeah, I am… I do have to go out to iowa park and pick up 40 grilled chicken salads because we are catering a BPW luncheon (which is why we’re not working)… but other than that, I am all free!!! It will be nice to have a Saturday off!! I’m hoping I can work on my to-do list for the house!!
One more thing before I go pay work bills… I’m getting all caught up at work so that means that I should have more time to blog!!! YEAH!!!

A New/Old "Character"

i recently added a new "character" to my list.... i have known jw since about 2000 when i started working at cingular... over the years we got to know each other but recently we've started hanging out and talking more than we used too (she is helping me become more social!!)... i consider her one of my closest friends... and i have learned so much from her (and her family)... some of this i can explain, some of it i can't... for instance, she has shown me that you can still have a family and everything is "cool"... i don't know if this makes any sense or not but it does to me... her and her husband have 3 kids (two of them are twins!!) and they remind me of r and i.... they've been thru tough times but have weathered the storms and everything seems to have brought them closer... she told me one time that she appreciated me listening to her but never "telling her what to do" when it came to her relationship with her husband... i went to dallas with her to a dr.'s appt on tuesday (blown out back b/c of a car wreck) and we had such a good time!! she didn't want to drive down there by herself and they were going to talk about what treatment she wanted to do on her back (and i learned some stuff that i need to talk to my dr. about!)... she picked me up, we ate subway in the car because we were running late, went to her dr. appt., and headed home... BUT on the way home.... we stopped at dairy queen!!! OMG!!! it was so good!! i got a reece peanut butter cup blast, i haven't had one of those in forever!!! anyways, we had a really good stress-free time... and i'm really glad that we're talking and hanging out more... it's doing me a lot of good!!!
lately i've been reading a lot about that book, the secret by rhonda byrne (spelling on her last name?).... because you know i'm all about "manifesting my own destiny" and happiness... it was adapted from this book that i actually found online several years ago... and of course still have it on my work computer... so i had to buy it... it came in today and i'm really looking forward to getting into it... it seems to fit in with everything that i've been learning and reading over the past two years... as i've read and learned, the universe gives you what you need when you need it... "the secret" has arrived!!
things have been going good... busy but good... r and i have been trying to get everything done on saturday that we need to get done over the weekend that way we can rest, relax, and watch the race on sunday... i've been trying to get around to blog but haven't been having as much luck as i'd like to have... i'm working on it though...

Addiction

the other day i blogged about HBO's Addiction documentary... this morning i was reading online and found this article... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17612658/site/newsweek/
i have yet to see it because we don't have HBO and the free preview weekend wasn't in our area... the 4 dvd series is in my netflix queue though.... i'm anxiously awaiting their arrival... lately there have been a number of things going on in my life that have really made me think about what is going on... anyways, in case the link doesn't work, here is the article... over the past three years or so my views on addiction have really changed, mainly from personal experience... if this series only awakens one person to a different view on addiction then it was worth it....

Hooked on 'Addiction'
HBO unveils a massive documentary about drug and alcohol abuse that's almost too much of a good thing.
March 14, 2007 - What happens to drug addicts who don't get the help that they need? Forget for a moment whether you believe the prevailing science that addiction is a disease, or that proper medical care—and not willpower alone—is required to overcome it. Forget your own feelings about the morality of drug use and about who's to blame when use erupts into full-blown abuse. Just for now, forget questions of right versus wrong, and focus on cold, hard reality. What happens to drug addicts who don't recover? Do they vanish, like ghosts, and take their problems along with them when they evaporate into the ether? Do they slink into darkened corners, hating and hurting only themselves? Do they die quietly and harmlessly, without disturbing the rest of us?
Of course not. Drug addicts who don't get the help they need get worse, and their addictions grow and grow, until their compulsion has consumed everyone and everything around them. They destroy families. They turn to crime. They put other people in danger. They make bad decisions, stick around in violent relationships, have children they're in no position to raise. They get sick. They don't work. The ripple effects of their addictions go on and on and on. Eventually, their problems become our problem—big time. This is the inconvenient truth for anyone who chooses to see addiction simply as a failure of personal responsibility. It doesn't matter if you're right, because scorn isn't a solution. And moral high ground isn't much of a consolation when an addict robs you at gunpoint, or runs your car off the road or breaks your mother's heart.
HBO's massive new documentary series "Addiction," which premieres on Thursday has many astonishing revelations to share about our country's drug and alcohol crisis. But there's one point above all that it desperately wishes to communicate: whether we accept it or not, we're all paying for the scourge of addiction, and the price tag is only going up. To hammer home the gravity of the struggle, HBO's "Addiction," made in conjunction with the National Institute on Drug Abuse and the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, is a jumbo-sized affair. With 14 parts in all, the series runs for more than seven hours, and it features contributions from some of the biggest names in documentary filmmaking, including Barbara Koppel ("Harlan County USA"), Eugene Jarecki ("Why We Fight"), Rory Kennedy (HBO's superb recent doc "Ghosts of Abu Ghraib") and directing team of Chris Hegedus and D.A. Pennebaker ("The War Room"). There are also additional segments available on HBO.com and HBO-on-Demand, plus a 251-page hardcover book—just in case, after seven hours, you are so addicted to "Addiction" that you still want more.
The sprawling scope of "Addiction" is both its greatest virtue and its only real weakness. This is grim material, and it's hard to imagine anyone having the fortitude to plow through all of it. The series kicks off with a 90-minute introductory portion that summarizes what's to come via brief snapshots of each director's short film. Frankly, this primer is all you really need to watch. But even in just an hour and a half, the insight of "Addiction" is astounding. It tackles the issue from every imaginable perspective—from personal portraits of drug abuse, to the science and psychology of addiction, to breakthroughs in the pharmacology of treatment, to the frustrating politics of government aid and the cruelty of spotty insurance coverage. It's a series that screams from the rooftops but never hectors. Producers John Hoffman and Susan Froemke respect the audience enough to let us make our own connections between, for instance, the mangled, drug-and-alcohol-related accident victims in Jon Alpert's film "Saturday Night in a Dallas ER" and the booze-ravaged tough guys in Koppel's poignant film "Steamfitters Local Union 638," about a Queens, N.Y., union so historically stained by alcoholism that its leaders decided enough was enough.
The fight against addiction is uphill, and steep, because so many people persist in seeing it as the product of weak people making poor choices: addicts chose to try drugs (or alcohol) in the first place and they choose, again and again, to come back to them, even after their habits have ruined their lives. But "Addiction" makes plain that the first choice is, by now, beside the point—and the second really isn't a choice at all. HBO's provocative tagline for the series is, "Why can't they just stop?" Once you watch it, you'll never ask that question again.

Blogging

i love to blog... and i love to read other people's blogs.... yes, it is an addiction but that's ok... i figure being addicted to blogging is much better than some things i could be addicted too.... speaking of addiction, i was getting my hair done yesterday and was looking thru a magazine... there is a show coming on HBO called addiction.... HBO is having a free preview weekend starting today and addiction will be on... it looks really good... but i love shows like that... intervention is a good one too!! (i just added the dvd's to my queue in netflix... they will be released on tuesday... i think i might try to dvr them first though... then if that works i won't need to order them from netflix)... here's the link to the HBO website that talks about that Addiction documentary: http://www.hbo.com/addiction/?ntrack_para1=feat_main_image
ok, now that i've gotten way off track.... back to where i was... um, ok... i'm not really sure where i was going with this.... all i know is that i miss blogging...
r's birthday is coming up on the 30th.... i'm not sure if we're going to do anything or not... i found out that his mom will be in town on the 31st for her friend's wedding... i'm still trying to think of a great birthday present or something that we could do that would be fun... we got our tax return money back and i'm thinking of maybe talking to him about buying something for both of us... something that we can both use... it seems like it's been forever since we made a "major" purchase... i'm thinking a tv... i know that the smart thing to do would be to put all of our tax money in savings but i kinda want to "reward" us... we've both been working really hard and i think it would be nice to do something like that... we'll see though.... anyways, i thought i had something that i "needed" to blog... if i did, i can't remember what it was now...

UPDATE: there was a little something saying that the HBO free preview was only in select areas... we're not one of those areas... i'll just have to wait for the dvd's....

Ink

i love piercings... and tattoos... i don't have any tattoos though.... not yet anyways... besides my ears, i've had my tongue and belly button pierced, years ago.... i had 19 piercings in my ears before i decided to "grow up" and get a "real" job... that's a long story in itself but for another time... r hates piercings and tattoos.... not so much on other people, just on/for himself... needless to say, he has no piercings or tattoos... anyways, our night cook got a tattoo gun.... (he was working as an apprentice for a while)... anyways, there are two other guys that i could go too but this isn't the "important" part.... this is the important part: what i want to get inked!! kitty paw prints... and until i had talked to my friend i was just going to get a "generic" kitty paw print... she came up with the idea for us to take mazzy and murphy's paw prints (with something similar to jail ink) and get those done!! (two of our friends have their kids foot prints on their forarms)... i think this is about the best most wonderful idea in the world!! i've always wanted my tattoo to really mean something to me- and it will!! my kitties paw prints!! i would love to have them done on the inside of my wrist, like on the palm side, but it is way too hot in texas to wear long sleeves all the time and i just don't know how work would react... everyone i work with is WAY religious!! and has that way old school mentality- some even that women should be at home pregnant taking care of the kids.... blech!! so more than likely i'll probably get the paws somewhere more "discrete".... like maybe on my shoulder blades or something... i would like to do ankles maybe but dunno... it also depends on how big they'll be... i don't want anything huge.... but yeah, i'm getting inked!!! when, i don't know for sure but soon i hope!!! i am so excited!! i have been trying to come up with "my" tattoo for years! and r finally "gave me permission", i think he knows me too well and knows that more than likely one will lead to one and to one more and one more... oops... no, i'll keep it under control! i just can't wait!!!

Ewok!

here are some pics of ewok... she is so precious... i found out today that ewok isn't a he.... oops... she is adorable... her eyes are tangerine- i love them!!! i was trying to take some better pics of her but she would get mad if i quit petting her and tried to take her picture.... :) i wish you could see how little she is!! these pictures don't do her justice!!

BYK's

here are a few pics of the backyard kitties... i fed them at an odd time today and they hadn't all "gathered" yet...

Tuesday

i'm all mixed up inside.... up until last night i had been in a really good mood... i was even in a good mood at work yesterday!! r and i had a really good productive weekend!! i finished with payroll on saturday and we watched the departed... i think that's it anyways... it was a good movie.... sunday after i blogged i ended up going back to bed for about an hour to take a nap... i was tired! r and i watched the busch race... i think carl finished 4th! good job!! then r mowed and i cleaned the house... the house looks really good right now!! then we watched stranger than fiction.... i made it thru about 30 minutes of the movie and fell asleep... i am horrible about falling asleep during movies... i kept waking up and trying to stay awake but that just wasn't working.... r said that the movie was good though it made him think a lot.... he's kinda worrying me because he's going thru a funk right now and can't seem to shake it...
work was very productive yesterday.... i got a lot done!!! i even had some time to work on some restaurant stuff!! it was also grandma's (mom's mom) birthday so mom, grandma, and i went out to the restaurant to eat dinner.... when i got home from work ewok was on the front porch just sitting there, looking SO cute!! (ewok is one of the backyard kitties- the only one who will let me pick him up or pet him... i've blogged about him before- the one who just wants a home and to be loved) he was on the porch all night long!! from the time i got home to the time i got up this morning... he'll sit on the window sill outside and make his "bbbbrrrrrrrrrttttttt" noise that reminds me of an ewok... i love the noise he makes.... anyways, r and i got to talking again last night about ewok and bringing him in... this is where some of my mixed up emotions are coming from....
last night when ewok was sitting on the window sill mazzy would go up to her stool in front of the window and just hiss at ewok and then run away.... she always acts like she wants to go outside and play with the other kitties but then hisses at everyone.... r and i don't know how well mazzy would take to us bringing a third kitty inside... murph would end up loving having ewok inside... mazzy though, she's a totally different story... but to me it's like the "kid dilemma"... people insist on telling you how many children you should have... like it's any of their business anyways.... and people keep telling me that 3 inside kitties is way too many.... two is enough.... how would these people feel if i told them that about their kids?!? and as far as mazzy, it's not like the child has a say about having another baby or not... the "existing" child just has to learn to deal with it... so on one hand, mazzy could just have to learn to deal with ewok... on the other hand, do we really need a third cat inside? can i/we handle that?!? is that too many?!?! i question that (along with many other things) myself.... r and i have thought about putting him on the back porch or in the garage but then he won't have a way to get outside to play with his brothers and sisters, he would basically be trapped inside the porch or the garage living by himself... am i making too much out of this, probably? either he will or he won't come inside and live with us... r told me this morning to take him to the vet one day after work.... to get his shots and make sure he's got a clean bill of health.... he just breaks my heart though... his little "bbrrrrtttt" noise and his meows!! and he's so cute, he's a runt!! his paws are tiny!! i would really like to find a good furr-ever home for him... someone that will just love him!!! if anyone is interested in a little precious golden colored tabby (with tangerine eyes!) that makes the cutest noise let me know!!
i'm about to get to work so that hopefully my mind will forget about my worries.... i've got a busy week ahead though- there's something going on every night this week except thursday.... that will probably be grocery store night since it's the only free night... i also have my back dr. visit thursday afternoon so hopefully we can get the ball rolling on getting my back "fixed".... friday night i get to go get a massage though!! i am way excited about that!!! i'm off to work for now... hopefully being productive will help me get my mind off things.... i'm hoping my emotions will level out a bit and i won't feel so torn....

Updating

i love sundays.... i am so glad it's sunday.... the one thing i'm not too fond of sundays for though, the next day is monday.... but that's ok... monday is only one day out of seven, right?!? my mood the past three or so days has been really good.... with the exception of work, but it's not even really work, it's just my co-worker... i know, they say that those you do not get along with or like are your greatest teachers... that makes me cringe because the last thing i want to do is to learn anything from him... i know that is a horrible attitude to have but right now we're not on speaking terms... ok fine, more like, i'm not speaking to him... i absolutely love my job with the exception of him... i'm working on that though.... i've only been working on "dealing with him" since august 2004... man, what progress i'm making!! (he is an ass though!) ok, enough about rrll.... that's not why i blogged today!!
my to-do lists are getting shorter both at home and at work!! YEAH!! i do need to catch up on some restaurant stuff but that won't take me long... i just need to figure my february payroll and sales tax numbers.... i hope to get the house cleaned today so that will free up thursday night this week.... if i don't clean today my only "free" night this week will be monday... so i'm really hoping to get it done today....
there is a race today but it's not the cup race, it's the busch race... in NASCAR there are three different series you can race in.... the truck series, the busch series, and the cup series... carl is driving i think 4 truck races this season (that's where he started out at) and is running a full busch and cup season.... the busch race doesn't come on til this afternoon so maybe if i get to cleaning i can watch the race, or at least part of it... i like watching the busch races though they aren't quite the "priority" that the cup races are.... they're really fun to watch though because there are usually a lot of cautions/wrecks.... plus, i get to see carl race!!
besides being busy there hasn't been all that much going on... r and i have just been working... my back has been hurting like there is no tomorrow but i go to the dr. on thursday!! i can make it til then!!! i just hope we can get this show on the road fast!! get it fixed up!!! friday at work i thought my body was having a race to see if my head was going to explode or if my back was going to blow out first...
our weather has been crazy down here in texas, like usual.... it was chilly thursday, friday, and saturday.... but with the exception of those 3 days, from last monday up until the end of next week, it's been in the high 60s or 70s.... it has been so nice and i've got some serious spring fever!!! this week is supposed to be beautiful!! i love having the windows open!! anyways, i just wanted to "break in" and blog... i'm off to start cleaning the house... hopefully while i'm doing this r will mow the grass then we can clean up the cars... that's the plan anyways... we'll see how it all plays out!! here's to a great sunday and to a great beginning of a new week!!!