this morning at work i posted the other blog from today.... looking back, today wasn't that hard at all... i managed to stay positive and not let myself get down.... the day started out hard but ended excellent!! the day just kept getting better and better.... that makes me really happy since today is only monday (and monday didn't start out so good).... it only makes me hope that the week is only going to get better from here.... when i blogged earlier my computer kept saying, unable to connect to blogger... this might not save... i messed around with it for maybe 5 minutes and then just left it... went back "home" and actually forgot about blogging.... i'm glad i decided to stick around at work today... i was very productive and had a really good day!! i found out that k, my best friend, passed the last part (there were 4 parts) of her CPA exam.... now all she has to do is take an ethics class and test... she is good to go!! she has been working on this for several years and i am so excited for her!! that is so awesome!!
another good thing, the weather! when i got in my car to leave work at 5, my car said it was 79 degrees.... i know there was some humidity but to drop basically 30 degrees in like a day, it was low 80's yesterday!), is a big difference!!
r called me at work somewhere around 10ish... they got the a/c fixed... it needed a new fan motor?!? didn't cost as much as i was scared it could cost.... we got opened for lunch and r said it's been a pretty good day, considering we were closed for breakfast.... i think that staying positive today really helped me see things differently...
i feel that lately i've been staying pretty positive and pretty laid back... i haven't been pushing (or trying to push) r's buttons lately.... i've been staying pretty chill lately... not arguing... trying my hardest not to get pissed off... i've had to talk myself out of being mad a few times this weekend but that's ok... if that's what it takes to keep me calm... me telling myself not to be pissed, listing all the things that i have to be thankful for (good teeth!).... anyways, i've gone off on a tangent here... i just wanted to say that, even though the day started off hard, it didn't stay that way... in fact it has just gotten better.... that makes me feel so much more secure with me and the changes that i've been trying to implement in my life... i really am working on becoming less stressed and being more laid back... being like the water, flowing with things.... this change in thinking has been on my mind lately, making me more conscious of the "new" thoughts.... things are going good! hopefully they stay this way!
Monday, August 28, 2006
Hard Day
If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.
i got this email this morning, which i will share with you at the end of this blog, and it really fits me today... i titled this hard day instead of bad day... i don't want to look at days as bad, just hard or challenging... when i first got to work this morning i was about to just break down in tears.... i've managed to pull myself out of the funk and really am feeling better.... instead of asking, why is this happening TO me i'm asking, why is this happening FOR me? because everything happens for a reason....
i guess i should explain what's going on... r and i went out to the restaurant to paint the non-smoking dining room yesterday, to clean out the shed, and just kinda work on some things that we've been wanting to work on.... we get out there and the thermostat says its 96 degrees in there... the breaker that the a/c was on had blown... not really a big deal since this has happened before... not a lot, maybe a couple of times... r goes out to flip the breaker back on and the a/c comes on but it's not blowing cool air, it's hot.... he ended up messing with that for about oh, an hour... i got the back of the kitchen door 2nd coated (it faces the non-smoking dining room and i had gotten 1 coat of paint on it- didn't realize it was going to be shut all the time- forgot to 2nd coat it and it was driving me crazy!!).... we decided not to paint because it was so dang hot.... just from being in there an hour my sports bra/tank top was soaked.... yuck!! plus, looking around the non-smoking room, it was going to take us a little while and we really didn't want to paint in the heat like that.... so we went back home.... this morning the cook calls at about 6:15am and tells r that the a/c isn't working and it's 99 degrees in there... she also tells him that the ice machine is on the same breaker and isn't working either... r leaves the house in a foul mood... i felt so bad for the kitties, normally he gives them love when he leaves but not today... poor kitties!! to be perfectly honest, i'm not that stressed about all of this, it's just something that we're going to have to get fixed and there's really not much else we can do about it... i just feel bad for him because he's out there all the time, seeing things that just drive him crazy, and we were going to start working on those things but now we are fixing other things... it'll all be ok though.... so, it's not a bad day, just a hard day... i need to be optimistic right now, for r, if for no other reason... it will all work out and be ok... i will just stay positive!!
Hard Days
We all have days that seem endlessly difficult and hard. On these days, it is as if the odds are stacked against us and we just can't get a break as one challenging situation follows another. We may feel like we're standing in the ocean getting hit by wave after wave, never able to get a full breath. A hard day can be a great teacher. It will eventually end and we can look back on it, taking pride in the stamina, courage, and ingenuity it took to hold our ground. We may also look back and see how we could have done things differently. This knowledge will be valuable when we face hard days in the future. With a little perspective, we may even find the inner resources to change our attitude about what's happening. We may begin to see that what we saw as hardships are actually opportunities. As our attitude changes for the better, our actions and the circumstances will follow suit. No one is immune to having a hard day and these are usually the times we can learn the most. If we can find it in our hearts to examine the day, and maybe make one small change in perception, we can ease our pain and greet the next day that much wiser.
i got this email this morning, which i will share with you at the end of this blog, and it really fits me today... i titled this hard day instead of bad day... i don't want to look at days as bad, just hard or challenging... when i first got to work this morning i was about to just break down in tears.... i've managed to pull myself out of the funk and really am feeling better.... instead of asking, why is this happening TO me i'm asking, why is this happening FOR me? because everything happens for a reason....
i guess i should explain what's going on... r and i went out to the restaurant to paint the non-smoking dining room yesterday, to clean out the shed, and just kinda work on some things that we've been wanting to work on.... we get out there and the thermostat says its 96 degrees in there... the breaker that the a/c was on had blown... not really a big deal since this has happened before... not a lot, maybe a couple of times... r goes out to flip the breaker back on and the a/c comes on but it's not blowing cool air, it's hot.... he ended up messing with that for about oh, an hour... i got the back of the kitchen door 2nd coated (it faces the non-smoking dining room and i had gotten 1 coat of paint on it- didn't realize it was going to be shut all the time- forgot to 2nd coat it and it was driving me crazy!!).... we decided not to paint because it was so dang hot.... just from being in there an hour my sports bra/tank top was soaked.... yuck!! plus, looking around the non-smoking room, it was going to take us a little while and we really didn't want to paint in the heat like that.... so we went back home.... this morning the cook calls at about 6:15am and tells r that the a/c isn't working and it's 99 degrees in there... she also tells him that the ice machine is on the same breaker and isn't working either... r leaves the house in a foul mood... i felt so bad for the kitties, normally he gives them love when he leaves but not today... poor kitties!! to be perfectly honest, i'm not that stressed about all of this, it's just something that we're going to have to get fixed and there's really not much else we can do about it... i just feel bad for him because he's out there all the time, seeing things that just drive him crazy, and we were going to start working on those things but now we are fixing other things... it'll all be ok though.... so, it's not a bad day, just a hard day... i need to be optimistic right now, for r, if for no other reason... it will all work out and be ok... i will just stay positive!!
Hard Days
We all have days that seem endlessly difficult and hard. On these days, it is as if the odds are stacked against us and we just can't get a break as one challenging situation follows another. We may feel like we're standing in the ocean getting hit by wave after wave, never able to get a full breath. A hard day can be a great teacher. It will eventually end and we can look back on it, taking pride in the stamina, courage, and ingenuity it took to hold our ground. We may also look back and see how we could have done things differently. This knowledge will be valuable when we face hard days in the future. With a little perspective, we may even find the inner resources to change our attitude about what's happening. We may begin to see that what we saw as hardships are actually opportunities. As our attitude changes for the better, our actions and the circumstances will follow suit. No one is immune to having a hard day and these are usually the times we can learn the most. If we can find it in our hearts to examine the day, and maybe make one small change in perception, we can ease our pain and greet the next day that much wiser.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Forever!
man, it feels like i haven't been here in forever!! things have just been busy lately... i'm not complaining though... just ready for a little "down" time... my mood & attitude have been up and down lately... this morning i was down but with the help of momma i managed to pull myself up out of the funk... yeah!! i've really been trying though!! i think i'm doing good! and that's all that matters!! i got this email this morning... i'm sure most of you have seen it but it pertains to me and where i'm at in my life and where i'm trying to be.... more asap!!
MAYBE...
Maybe...God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe...when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe...it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe...the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
Maybe...you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.
Maybe...there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.
Maybe...the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe...you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe...happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
Maybe...you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.
And the last maybe.....when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Maybe...you should try to live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
~~ Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly
MAYBE...
Maybe...God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe...when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe...it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe...the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
Maybe...you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.
Maybe...there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.
Maybe...the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe...you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe...happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
Maybe...you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.
And the last maybe.....when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Maybe...you should try to live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
~~ Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Karma
from dictionary.com......
karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny; fate
i can't say that i've ever really believed in karma up until a few months ago... then it started showing its face... it's really odd the way it works.... in a way though, it scares me... to be honest, it scares the s**t out of me... things have been happening to people that i was close to at one point in time... some of them really close too and had a relationship with (friend or otherwise)... others i just knew who they were... enough to know about them but not really "know them"... basically judging them based on what i heard as opposed to giving them a chance and really getting to know them... maybe things have been happening to me but i'm too close to the situation to see it... i imagine that's how a few of the people that i'm talking about are feeling... they haven't really put two and two together yet.... and maybe they won't... either way, it's ok by me... i have finally realized and understand that i need to just let it all go... karma is a bi**h man!! it is!! well, maybe i'm only seeing the "bad" karma.... i know that there is good karma out there and that is what i need to start working on... treat others the way you want to be treated... don't judge them without giving them a chance...
i went to this class last saturday and the instructor said, have you ever seen someone that looks like someone you know? of course, everyone has... then he says, the instant that you see that person you immediately make a judgement about them... whether you realize it or not... i started thinking, how true is this? i understand that "undoing" this way of thinking will be a challenge but at least i can work on it.... i need to find inner peace within me so that i can feel peace with the world... i need to let the anger and judgements go (especially the anger- i wonder, could part of this be so strong because of my bipolar?)... i am the only one who can actually decide what is and isn't going to affect me.... it's like i finally understand!! the "answer" that i've been looking for all these years (i mean, i've heard it many times but never understood what it meant)....
i'm done for now.. it was 5:20 AM when i started this... yes, AM, i've been up since about 4...) i'd like to send a big 'ol thank you to the kitties, especially mazzy- she was the ringleader this morning- to let me get up with you at 4... i was so looking forward to sleeping in today but that's ok... i'm about to start some laundry, do some yoga, and maybe take a nap!! i'll just play it by ear, but it will be a quiet and relaxing weekend!!
karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny; fate
i can't say that i've ever really believed in karma up until a few months ago... then it started showing its face... it's really odd the way it works.... in a way though, it scares me... to be honest, it scares the s**t out of me... things have been happening to people that i was close to at one point in time... some of them really close too and had a relationship with (friend or otherwise)... others i just knew who they were... enough to know about them but not really "know them"... basically judging them based on what i heard as opposed to giving them a chance and really getting to know them... maybe things have been happening to me but i'm too close to the situation to see it... i imagine that's how a few of the people that i'm talking about are feeling... they haven't really put two and two together yet.... and maybe they won't... either way, it's ok by me... i have finally realized and understand that i need to just let it all go... karma is a bi**h man!! it is!! well, maybe i'm only seeing the "bad" karma.... i know that there is good karma out there and that is what i need to start working on... treat others the way you want to be treated... don't judge them without giving them a chance...
i went to this class last saturday and the instructor said, have you ever seen someone that looks like someone you know? of course, everyone has... then he says, the instant that you see that person you immediately make a judgement about them... whether you realize it or not... i started thinking, how true is this? i understand that "undoing" this way of thinking will be a challenge but at least i can work on it.... i need to find inner peace within me so that i can feel peace with the world... i need to let the anger and judgements go (especially the anger- i wonder, could part of this be so strong because of my bipolar?)... i am the only one who can actually decide what is and isn't going to affect me.... it's like i finally understand!! the "answer" that i've been looking for all these years (i mean, i've heard it many times but never understood what it meant)....
i'm done for now.. it was 5:20 AM when i started this... yes, AM, i've been up since about 4...) i'd like to send a big 'ol thank you to the kitties, especially mazzy- she was the ringleader this morning- to let me get up with you at 4... i was so looking forward to sleeping in today but that's ok... i'm about to start some laundry, do some yoga, and maybe take a nap!! i'll just play it by ear, but it will be a quiet and relaxing weekend!!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Update
Lately I guess you could say that I’ve been feeling stressed and overwhelmed… and tired… tired mentally, physically, and emotionally….
things have been a bit difficult lately... let me phrase that differently, i'm not dealing with "life" so well, my perspective & perception has been off/negative.... i'm not a big fan of reality and prefer to live in my own safe little world... i don't (or try not too) let the stuff that bothers me in... i feel like i am losing my mind... mazzy, the older kitty, jumped up in my lap monday morning for some kitty love when i was getting ready for work and i just started bawling... tuesday morning i was petting murphy on my way out the door, started bawling... last wednesday i read an article about a truck that overturned down here in texas and 4 penguins were killed, that was the "beginning of the end".... that's when the uncontrollable crying started... i have had a few "highs" but they have been few and far between.... i realize this probably sounds a lot worse than it is....
I went and saw my psychiatrist Tuesday afternoon and my boss let me take the rest of the day off… can’t say I blame him… it has to be hard for my family, friends, and co-workers to deal with me… walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing what will set me off… I have never asked my doctor before what he has me “labeled” as and Tuesday he said something about one of the meds helping with bipolar disorder… that’s kinda what I had figured since my mood swings are so bad… when I say bad I mean that one minute I can be perfectly fine and then someone will say something, I’ll read something, or something will happen and then I will be irate angry or crying, in a split second… I mean, it’s not all the time (except for lately)…. we changed up my meds and i go back in 2 weeks.... we'll see how things go between now and then....
one thing I guess I should mention is that I hate being labeled… that irritates me so much… probably because of past issues that I’ve had involving labeling… I’m working on that though… resolving old issues that need to be resolved and then letting go of them… also, am I going to have to take all these meds the rest of my life just so I can feel “normal” or keep my emotions under control? I hate the thought of that… right now, I am on 4 different meds just from my psychiatrist… that doesn’t mean that I just take 4 pills a day though… oh no! I take at least 7 daily and then 3 more “as needed”… he said that they all work together… I believe him but to me the thought of having to take these pills the rest of my life is a downer… he also said that if/when r and I start thinking about kids I need to let him know so he can get me off my meds because they can cause horrible birth defects… my next thought is me, no meds, and pregnant… pregnancy really messes with your hormones and emotions and seeing the way I am now, I can’t imagine what I would be like…. Poor r… i know that this will all take care of itself and work out just fine but when I have idle time my mind just starts to thinking… right now it’s thinking of the negative…
i guess i feel like i'm stuck in a rut right now... i know that things will get better but until then i just have to take it day by day... i'm just tired of the stresses of life… the day-to-day stresses... it will pass.. i just hope soon.... i know that i have so many good things going in my life but am really seeing the negative right now and not the positive... happiness has been eluding me lately... through no one's fault but my own…
on the positive side, i do have an hour massage scheduled for monday after work... and i did yoga Monday and Tuesday night... my mood seems to be getting better and i'm really trying to work on that... even though the negative has been wanting (and has been) "winning" lately i know that my perspective will get better....
sleep has been eluding me lately too.. i've been so tired lately but as soon as i lay down in bed i'm wide awake... on a good night i'll get 4 hours of not-so-good sleep... that needs to change too, i love to sleep.. and i used to be so good at it! like I said though, day by day… be in this moment and know that I have everything that I need….
peace, not pieces.....
p.s. this was in my mailbox this morning and it fits… I need to do this in everything… ah, one note though, the use of the word God in this does not mean the judging Father figure that most people think of… it can mean anything, whatever God is to you…
AS I PREPARE TO MOVE INTO A POSITIVE FUTURE....... I RELEASE PAST NEGATIVITY
Dear God,
Thank You in advance for my positive future.
Knowing it is coming prevents me from clinging to anything negative from my past.
And it would be impossible for anyone to accuse me of not being prepared for a positive future, since the POWER and PRESENCE of Your UNIVERSAL MIND is with me always.
I am swiftly eliminating all of the 'old' & no longer welcome negative traits of my personality..... and further
strengthening my already strong & getting stronger traits, thanks to Your Higher God-Mind, Eternally within me.
Thank You for the way I am already moving into a positive future. I appreciate my strengthening trait of eternal optimism very much.
I am a genuine GOD-DIRECTED PERFECT PRESENCE of positive emotions & beliefs... which means
when I am positive, I can't be feeling negative. That's just like why I can't stand up and sit down at the same time.
Thank You Mother/Father God for this POWERFUL understanding.
And so it is.....
Amen
things have been a bit difficult lately... let me phrase that differently, i'm not dealing with "life" so well, my perspective & perception has been off/negative.... i'm not a big fan of reality and prefer to live in my own safe little world... i don't (or try not too) let the stuff that bothers me in... i feel like i am losing my mind... mazzy, the older kitty, jumped up in my lap monday morning for some kitty love when i was getting ready for work and i just started bawling... tuesday morning i was petting murphy on my way out the door, started bawling... last wednesday i read an article about a truck that overturned down here in texas and 4 penguins were killed, that was the "beginning of the end".... that's when the uncontrollable crying started... i have had a few "highs" but they have been few and far between.... i realize this probably sounds a lot worse than it is....
I went and saw my psychiatrist Tuesday afternoon and my boss let me take the rest of the day off… can’t say I blame him… it has to be hard for my family, friends, and co-workers to deal with me… walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing what will set me off… I have never asked my doctor before what he has me “labeled” as and Tuesday he said something about one of the meds helping with bipolar disorder… that’s kinda what I had figured since my mood swings are so bad… when I say bad I mean that one minute I can be perfectly fine and then someone will say something, I’ll read something, or something will happen and then I will be irate angry or crying, in a split second… I mean, it’s not all the time (except for lately)…. we changed up my meds and i go back in 2 weeks.... we'll see how things go between now and then....
one thing I guess I should mention is that I hate being labeled… that irritates me so much… probably because of past issues that I’ve had involving labeling… I’m working on that though… resolving old issues that need to be resolved and then letting go of them… also, am I going to have to take all these meds the rest of my life just so I can feel “normal” or keep my emotions under control? I hate the thought of that… right now, I am on 4 different meds just from my psychiatrist… that doesn’t mean that I just take 4 pills a day though… oh no! I take at least 7 daily and then 3 more “as needed”… he said that they all work together… I believe him but to me the thought of having to take these pills the rest of my life is a downer… he also said that if/when r and I start thinking about kids I need to let him know so he can get me off my meds because they can cause horrible birth defects… my next thought is me, no meds, and pregnant… pregnancy really messes with your hormones and emotions and seeing the way I am now, I can’t imagine what I would be like…. Poor r… i know that this will all take care of itself and work out just fine but when I have idle time my mind just starts to thinking… right now it’s thinking of the negative…
i guess i feel like i'm stuck in a rut right now... i know that things will get better but until then i just have to take it day by day... i'm just tired of the stresses of life… the day-to-day stresses... it will pass.. i just hope soon.... i know that i have so many good things going in my life but am really seeing the negative right now and not the positive... happiness has been eluding me lately... through no one's fault but my own…
on the positive side, i do have an hour massage scheduled for monday after work... and i did yoga Monday and Tuesday night... my mood seems to be getting better and i'm really trying to work on that... even though the negative has been wanting (and has been) "winning" lately i know that my perspective will get better....
sleep has been eluding me lately too.. i've been so tired lately but as soon as i lay down in bed i'm wide awake... on a good night i'll get 4 hours of not-so-good sleep... that needs to change too, i love to sleep.. and i used to be so good at it! like I said though, day by day… be in this moment and know that I have everything that I need….
peace, not pieces.....
p.s. this was in my mailbox this morning and it fits… I need to do this in everything… ah, one note though, the use of the word God in this does not mean the judging Father figure that most people think of… it can mean anything, whatever God is to you…
AS I PREPARE TO MOVE INTO A POSITIVE FUTURE....... I RELEASE PAST NEGATIVITY
Dear God,
Thank You in advance for my positive future.
Knowing it is coming prevents me from clinging to anything negative from my past.
And it would be impossible for anyone to accuse me of not being prepared for a positive future, since the POWER and PRESENCE of Your UNIVERSAL MIND is with me always.
I am swiftly eliminating all of the 'old' & no longer welcome negative traits of my personality..... and further
strengthening my already strong & getting stronger traits, thanks to Your Higher God-Mind, Eternally within me.
Thank You for the way I am already moving into a positive future. I appreciate my strengthening trait of eternal optimism very much.
I am a genuine GOD-DIRECTED PERFECT PRESENCE of positive emotions & beliefs... which means
when I am positive, I can't be feeling negative. That's just like why I can't stand up and sit down at the same time.
Thank You Mother/Father God for this POWERFUL understanding.
And so it is.....
Amen
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Nuts
I’m not exactly sure what happened earlier…. Well, I guess I kinda know… I was reading this article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14254314/?GT1=8404 (4 penguins perish in truck accident; octopus uninjured)
and all hell breaks loose, well, for me anyways… you would have thought that the story was regarding someone that I personally knew… I lost it… I started crying and could not stop… honestly, I cried for the better part of 2 hours… I cried and cried and cried… I had somewhat gotten myself under control, or so I thought… I was obviously wrong though… my boss was just trying to ask me a question about a note that I had put on his desk and I couldn’t even answer his question without breaking down… so the next thing I know I’m standing in his office with my poor little sad excuse of what was left of my Kleenex in my hand bawling…
I was feeling really down earlier today… not stressing about the restaurant but just stressing and trying to have a pity party for myself, ok, I was having one… I guess you could say that lately I’ve been having these reoccurring feelings that I have been labeling stupid… whether they’re really stupid or not, they obviously upset me… “high school” thoughts as I have been labeling them… why am I worried about what everyone else thinks…. Why should I still wonder if I’m “being left out”…. Why can’t I make everyone happy? I keep trying to tell myself that none of that should matter…. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself but, well, I don’t think that’s working so well… I guess my question is, does everyone feel this way or is it just me? When I contemplate making a decision not only do I think about what I want or what I think but I also think about what others think or what they would want… when most of the time it’s regarding non-issues or something minor… why do I feel the need to try to make everyone else happy? and what is my major malfunction? I mean, really… there was obviously some stress or issues that I had been repressing but dang… now I feel like a complete moron for getting so upset… for letting myself get upset… I would run to the bathroom and bawl my eyes out, try to get myself under control (by berating and beating myself up), go back up to my desk, then run back to the bathroom…. Same story over and over… for 2 hours… man alive!! Then when I was in the bathroom trying to calm myself down I would get so mad at myself for getting so upset… instead of just letting myself get it out I was trying to control it because I hate crying… by myself or in front of people, even r… to me it is so embarrassing… so me beating myself up for getting upset just made it worse but I kept on doing it… for some reason, thinking it would make me stop?!?! I mean, honestly, where is my logic? I’m really upset and just getting it all out (why does it always have to happen at work though? why can’t it happen at home?!?!) and then getting mad at myself for getting upset…. I really don’t understand it… I did manage to calm myself down though (no pills needed, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t have any but probably would have taken a xanax if I would have had one with me) and now I’m ok… in fact, I feel better than I did before I got upset…
One thing that could possibly be bothering me is that I have to go to the doctor next Tuesday to see my psychiatrist… I thought I was going to miss my appointment because I was summoned for jury duty… I called them though and they “re-scheduled” me for October… I feel better now that I can go see the doctor because I’ve been waiting to see him for about 3 months… he used to work 5 days a week and then on Fridays he would start seeing patients at like 7:30am… now he works Monday and Tuesday… so, I’ve been waiting… not a biggie… but I always get anxious when it’s time for me to go see him… this oughta be fun though because I normally go to see him before work and when I go see him he upsets me… not on purpose, just because he asks me things that upset me… that’s kinda his job though… so next Tuesday should be fun up here… and on top of that, I was getting so mad today at my co-worker… fuming mad… like I could just rip his head off but now I realize I was probably just trying to subconsciously protect myself and my emotions so that I wouldn’t get upset… I feel really bad for my co-worker and my boss though… they probably feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me… never knowing when I’m going to explode or freak out… my psychiatrist once told me that he thought I might be bipolar considering the mood swings I have… I must say, I agree with him… I hate to say that because I hate being “labeled” in any sense….
The past week or so all I’ve been wanting to do is just blog… read blogs, blog, live online I guess… that way I don’t have to deal with reality… ok, since I’ve been so honest this far I’ll just keep it going… I hate reality… maybe not hate but I prefer my safe little world that I live in… if something upsets me I pretty much just avoid anything that has to do with that subject from then on… (animal cruelty is a big one for me…).. if something comes on the news, I change the channel… if it’s in the paper I skip over it… r knows this and he just “plays along”…. he tells me that I can’t continue to live my life like this forever.. my response, I’ve been this way for 28 years and I’ve made it this far being that way… I’m starting to think that maybe I just don’t like to show emotion… why? Does that make me feel like a weak person? Do I associate showing emotion with weakness? And why am I just realizing this and why my “hang up” with weakness now?!?! Where did that come from? If that’s even really what it is… to be honest, I’m not sure… maybe I should take this blog with me next Tuesday though…. I might be “committed” if I do…. Well, it’s been an emotionally trying day and I am tired… I was tired when I got up this morning but now am even more tired… all of this “showing of emotion” has just worn me out… plus I’ve got a headache from crying… no worries though, I am ok… I really am!!
and all hell breaks loose, well, for me anyways… you would have thought that the story was regarding someone that I personally knew… I lost it… I started crying and could not stop… honestly, I cried for the better part of 2 hours… I cried and cried and cried… I had somewhat gotten myself under control, or so I thought… I was obviously wrong though… my boss was just trying to ask me a question about a note that I had put on his desk and I couldn’t even answer his question without breaking down… so the next thing I know I’m standing in his office with my poor little sad excuse of what was left of my Kleenex in my hand bawling…
I was feeling really down earlier today… not stressing about the restaurant but just stressing and trying to have a pity party for myself, ok, I was having one… I guess you could say that lately I’ve been having these reoccurring feelings that I have been labeling stupid… whether they’re really stupid or not, they obviously upset me… “high school” thoughts as I have been labeling them… why am I worried about what everyone else thinks…. Why should I still wonder if I’m “being left out”…. Why can’t I make everyone happy? I keep trying to tell myself that none of that should matter…. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself but, well, I don’t think that’s working so well… I guess my question is, does everyone feel this way or is it just me? When I contemplate making a decision not only do I think about what I want or what I think but I also think about what others think or what they would want… when most of the time it’s regarding non-issues or something minor… why do I feel the need to try to make everyone else happy? and what is my major malfunction? I mean, really… there was obviously some stress or issues that I had been repressing but dang… now I feel like a complete moron for getting so upset… for letting myself get upset… I would run to the bathroom and bawl my eyes out, try to get myself under control (by berating and beating myself up), go back up to my desk, then run back to the bathroom…. Same story over and over… for 2 hours… man alive!! Then when I was in the bathroom trying to calm myself down I would get so mad at myself for getting so upset… instead of just letting myself get it out I was trying to control it because I hate crying… by myself or in front of people, even r… to me it is so embarrassing… so me beating myself up for getting upset just made it worse but I kept on doing it… for some reason, thinking it would make me stop?!?! I mean, honestly, where is my logic? I’m really upset and just getting it all out (why does it always have to happen at work though? why can’t it happen at home?!?!) and then getting mad at myself for getting upset…. I really don’t understand it… I did manage to calm myself down though (no pills needed, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t have any but probably would have taken a xanax if I would have had one with me) and now I’m ok… in fact, I feel better than I did before I got upset…
One thing that could possibly be bothering me is that I have to go to the doctor next Tuesday to see my psychiatrist… I thought I was going to miss my appointment because I was summoned for jury duty… I called them though and they “re-scheduled” me for October… I feel better now that I can go see the doctor because I’ve been waiting to see him for about 3 months… he used to work 5 days a week and then on Fridays he would start seeing patients at like 7:30am… now he works Monday and Tuesday… so, I’ve been waiting… not a biggie… but I always get anxious when it’s time for me to go see him… this oughta be fun though because I normally go to see him before work and when I go see him he upsets me… not on purpose, just because he asks me things that upset me… that’s kinda his job though… so next Tuesday should be fun up here… and on top of that, I was getting so mad today at my co-worker… fuming mad… like I could just rip his head off but now I realize I was probably just trying to subconsciously protect myself and my emotions so that I wouldn’t get upset… I feel really bad for my co-worker and my boss though… they probably feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me… never knowing when I’m going to explode or freak out… my psychiatrist once told me that he thought I might be bipolar considering the mood swings I have… I must say, I agree with him… I hate to say that because I hate being “labeled” in any sense….
The past week or so all I’ve been wanting to do is just blog… read blogs, blog, live online I guess… that way I don’t have to deal with reality… ok, since I’ve been so honest this far I’ll just keep it going… I hate reality… maybe not hate but I prefer my safe little world that I live in… if something upsets me I pretty much just avoid anything that has to do with that subject from then on… (animal cruelty is a big one for me…).. if something comes on the news, I change the channel… if it’s in the paper I skip over it… r knows this and he just “plays along”…. he tells me that I can’t continue to live my life like this forever.. my response, I’ve been this way for 28 years and I’ve made it this far being that way… I’m starting to think that maybe I just don’t like to show emotion… why? Does that make me feel like a weak person? Do I associate showing emotion with weakness? And why am I just realizing this and why my “hang up” with weakness now?!?! Where did that come from? If that’s even really what it is… to be honest, I’m not sure… maybe I should take this blog with me next Tuesday though…. I might be “committed” if I do…. Well, it’s been an emotionally trying day and I am tired… I was tired when I got up this morning but now am even more tired… all of this “showing of emotion” has just worn me out… plus I’ve got a headache from crying… no worries though, I am ok… I really am!!
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Hot Mess!!
the original title of my blog today was going to be perception & perspective but after talking with one of my friends, who you will hear more about real soon!, i decided to title this "in honor" of her!! ever since i received an email yesterday afternoon from kb i have been thinking about what i was going to blog the next time i got a chance... my thoughts have been all over the board since then too!! talk about an emotional rollercoaster! yesterday i was so excited when i read her email... it was like she knew exactly what i needed to hear! then, today rolled around... r's phone rang at 5am this morning.... i figured it wasn't good news, good news usually doesn't arrive at 5am.... at least not in my neck of the woods.... so i figured something was going on and soon found out that our waitress that had picked up a shift couldn't come in at 6am.... i was awake and there was no going back to sleep... none for r either... he got the waitress situation taken care of and then headed off to work... i got up and decided to exercise! i was going to walk and then remembered my dvd had been loaned out to be burned... so i decided to try out my mcdonald's yoga dvd instead.... it wasn't so great but that's ok.... i got 15 minutes worth of yoga and 45 minutes worth of quality time with the kitties in before i had to start getting ready for work.... as tired as i was/am it wasn't too bad getting up so early this morning... i enjoyed things in their "simplistic" state this morning.... the peace and quiet... calm kitties... there was no hecticness, except for my self-induced stress.... which really wasn't that bad... at least looking back it wasn't... that one saying, you have everything you need in this moment... somehow, kb knew that i was still stressing.... she calls me at work and to be honest, tells me once again, what i need to hear! only today though, it was like a lightbulb went on in my head... i realized that me stressing over what r is only "venting" to me about is not a good thing... and not how things should be... all i need to stress over and not really stress, just worry about, are my responsibilities... there is no reason for me to stress r and his "day at work".... we are open and are a fully functioning restaurant... he has the capabilities to make any decision that needs to be made! and i know he'll make the right one! or the correct one- the one that needs to be made... you know what i'm trying to say.. i have nothing but faith in him... i was feeling guilty because i was looking at it like, if he's stressing then i should be stressing because it's our restaurant.... that mentality was not doing anyone any good!! and if he's stressing and i'm not then i'm not carrying my weight.... so i had the whole wrong perspective on things.... but i must say, i'm so glad too!! it did take 2 days for kb to finally make me understand what she was saying but i did!! i feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted off me... to be honest, like a lot of weight has been lifted off me... girl, thank you!! i can only hope that one day i can help you out like you helped me out the past 2 days!! you made me see what i have been needing to see!! you are one hot mess!!! in all seriousness though, to kb, thank you... i am really looking forward to seeing you guys this weekend.... no "menu" stress!! (you saved me on that one too!!)
on a different note, saturday i am going to this consciousness class with a friend of mine... i am really looking forward to this class...here is the class description:
Consciousness
-Learn how consciousness works. No froufrou cryptic information to decipher. This is a straight-forward class that includes information you won’t find in any books.
-Learn why affirmations don’t work or take years to work.
-Learn how to work with your own consciousness to create the things in life you desire.
-Get an introduction to the Emotional Freedom Technique and how to use it to help change your consciousness which, in turn, changes your life.
i guess you could say i believe in God but that is really a gray area to me... not the God part but the whole judgemental father figure i guess is more the part that i'm not sure about.... i have been doing a ton of reading over the past year and a half or so... plus, learning to meditate... and have really discovered a whole new side of things.... i'm not sure if you could say i've always just trusted what i've been told or what... i never knew anything about this side of stuff before... i've learned so much "common sense" or "street knowledge" if you will since i've been with r... before him i guess it was all book/school knowledge... i think i missed out on quite a bit of stuff... anyways, i'm learning to be happy (as crazy as that sounds!) and i'm learning to just live life and take it day by day... i'm learning about me and how to keep me more "under control"... not fly off the handle at the drop of a hat... be more positive (i think i'm doing really good with that!!).... i'm really working on becoming a "better" person... not in sense of the word.... i'm going to head out to the restaurant now to see how things are going.... i will blog more asap!!! i promise!!!
on a different note, saturday i am going to this consciousness class with a friend of mine... i am really looking forward to this class...here is the class description:
Consciousness
-Learn how consciousness works. No froufrou cryptic information to decipher. This is a straight-forward class that includes information you won’t find in any books.
-Learn why affirmations don’t work or take years to work.
-Learn how to work with your own consciousness to create the things in life you desire.
-Get an introduction to the Emotional Freedom Technique and how to use it to help change your consciousness which, in turn, changes your life.
i guess you could say i believe in God but that is really a gray area to me... not the God part but the whole judgemental father figure i guess is more the part that i'm not sure about.... i have been doing a ton of reading over the past year and a half or so... plus, learning to meditate... and have really discovered a whole new side of things.... i'm not sure if you could say i've always just trusted what i've been told or what... i never knew anything about this side of stuff before... i've learned so much "common sense" or "street knowledge" if you will since i've been with r... before him i guess it was all book/school knowledge... i think i missed out on quite a bit of stuff... anyways, i'm learning to be happy (as crazy as that sounds!) and i'm learning to just live life and take it day by day... i'm learning about me and how to keep me more "under control"... not fly off the handle at the drop of a hat... be more positive (i think i'm doing really good with that!!).... i'm really working on becoming a "better" person... not in sense of the word.... i'm going to head out to the restaurant now to see how things are going.... i will blog more asap!!! i promise!!!
Changing
i'm working on changing things up on here just a little bit... i was getting tired of the same 'ol thing... i'll update asap!!
Monday, August 07, 2006
PMS
it's monday... for some reason this morning when i woke up i woke up sad... i think the majority of it is pms and the rest of it is well, i don't know, my insecurities or something like that... i checked my emails before blogging today to see if there was anything in there that applied to me or would maybe offer any words of wisdom.... right now i am doing my best to not break down in tears... ok, that didn't work so well... i just finished crying in the bathroom.... i guess right now i just feel unappreciated and alone... i read an article yesterday, is stress contagious? basically the answer is yes... especially for women and those that are close to them... women are so much more emotional than men and want to take everyone else's stress to make the other person feel better... they'll do more, way over and above, what they would normally do to try to help the stressed person out... right now i'm trying to be the strong one in r and i's relationship because i know that he is really stressed... because of this i feel like i can't vent to him or tell him how i'm feeling... i just have to keep everything inside and to myself... which is ok, i think it's something that i can get used too.... i'm trying to do more around the house so that he doesn't have to worry about doing anything before or after work... on average, he's been working about 14 hours a day since last monday, with the exception of yesterday... i guess all i would like is a "thank you" or some sort of acknowledgement for trying to do more... wednesday night i cleaned the house, took out the trash, and vacuumed... normally taking out the trash and vacuuming are not "my" jobs but i was trying so hard to be nice... thursday after work i went and got my hair done... i know he's been stressed and has had a lot on his mind but he didn't say anything about any of it until he asked me saturday if i had gotten my hair done... then he said, it looks good... i know, i'm probably being selfish but this past week i have learned that the only real person that you can always depend on is yourself... you are the only one that is going to be there for yourself 100% of the time... and i keep reading that you have everything that you need in this moment... i am working really hard on taking this to mean that no matter what situation arises in your life, in this moment, you have everything that you need to handle it... much easier said than done though.... i'm not trying to complain, only to vent and get out what i feel that i've been keeping inside for the past week or so... r calls me, thru the day, and i'm really not complaining, and tells me what's going on and how things are going... it seems that he only calls when things are not good or he is stressing or something has happened... i only wish that there was something that i could do to help him out... there isn't, not while i'm at work anyways... and to be perfectly honest, him calling me while he's stressing just makes me stress more... knowing that there is nothing that i can do at this point in time.... then i sit here all day long and stress about what's going on up there....
on a totally different note, i think the kitties were sad to see monday morning get here... i think they enjoyed having r and i around so much this weekend... poor kitties, it seemed like once they realized that we were getting ready to leave for work their happy attitude disappeared.... i've been trying to spend more time with them because we have both been gone a lot lately.... (maybe i'm totally wrong and just hope they're sad!).... anyways, they weren't the only ones sad to see monday here so soon...
oh yeah, i got summoned for jury duty this next monday... i've never been before and really don't want to go... especially seeing as how i have a dr. appt. tuesday afternoon at 1:45 that i've had scheduled for almost 3 months.... plus, missing work is going to put me behind... that's not so much of a big deal as my dr.'s appt. is... since it's my psychiatrist i really think i need to go too... considering everything that's been going on lately.... i'm not sure what to do about jury duty though... it scares me to no end!! and i am stressing about it instead of just letting everything work itself out...
i know that things will get better and my stress level will decrease, i can only hope that all of this happens soon!! i feel like one big ball of stress right now.... which i probably am... and most of the feelings that i'm having are just pms and stress related.... i know i'm not alone and there is no reason for me to feel like i am, i think it's just the way i'm taking everything right now... personally but not as personally as i was friday.... i'm working on becoming a stronger person that won't run all my friends and family off by griping and complaining so much.... there is a lot in my life that i have to be happy about, i just need to be thankful for everything that is positive and good!!
on a totally different note, i think the kitties were sad to see monday morning get here... i think they enjoyed having r and i around so much this weekend... poor kitties, it seemed like once they realized that we were getting ready to leave for work their happy attitude disappeared.... i've been trying to spend more time with them because we have both been gone a lot lately.... (maybe i'm totally wrong and just hope they're sad!).... anyways, they weren't the only ones sad to see monday here so soon...
oh yeah, i got summoned for jury duty this next monday... i've never been before and really don't want to go... especially seeing as how i have a dr. appt. tuesday afternoon at 1:45 that i've had scheduled for almost 3 months.... plus, missing work is going to put me behind... that's not so much of a big deal as my dr.'s appt. is... since it's my psychiatrist i really think i need to go too... considering everything that's been going on lately.... i'm not sure what to do about jury duty though... it scares me to no end!! and i am stressing about it instead of just letting everything work itself out...
i know that things will get better and my stress level will decrease, i can only hope that all of this happens soon!! i feel like one big ball of stress right now.... which i probably am... and most of the feelings that i'm having are just pms and stress related.... i know i'm not alone and there is no reason for me to feel like i am, i think it's just the way i'm taking everything right now... personally but not as personally as i was friday.... i'm working on becoming a stronger person that won't run all my friends and family off by griping and complaining so much.... there is a lot in my life that i have to be happy about, i just need to be thankful for everything that is positive and good!!
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Update
ok, so yesterday afternoon i was stressing hard... i haven't really "freaked out" since the restaurant opened.. i think that might have been it... i realize that... i realized that last night but just never got a chance to blog about it... the stress started when i talked to r and he told me about our night cook... i should say, former night cook... anyways, that's not important now... my stress (and anger) kept growing as my boss and co-worker kept giving me stuff to do (that my co-worker could have done, if he would have wanted too) and my boss wasn't working on my billing.... hindsight is 20/20 and it's no big deal now... i was out of work by maybe 5 after 5... no biggie... and i really don't think that the work stress would have been that big of a deal if our cook had shown up... i called r back about 4 to see how he was doing because i was stressing about it... my mind was racing as to who i could call to come in and help him... he ended up really hurting my feelings, once again, my state of mind played a big part in that... he ended up hiring a dishwasher last night who had come in to eat... (he put an application in the night before when he came in to eat...) we ended the night by hitting the number r has been dying to hit since we opened... i must say, all in all it was a really good week.. yes, it was stressful but that's going to happen anytime you open a business (in my opinion anyways)... running (and being successful) at your own business is hard... i keep reading for restaurants it's harder... i'm ready for the challenge and so is he... i think, for me, only "freaking out" once this week was pretty good... i did feel like i had been having a major panic attack for about oh, the past week... that's ok though... the panic attack feeling is still there but it's lessening day by day... at 2:00 today our first week will "officially" be over with... r can come home and enjoy a day and a half off before he has to go back... i really am proud of him though... he's working his butt off and kicking ass at the same time!! he's put in a lot of hours this week and i know he's tired... so far, overall, this last week was good!! i'm proud of him and us! i think we're doing a really good job!! it will only get better!! until later...
Friday, August 04, 2006
bull-poo
Everything happens for a reason right?!?!? Sometimes it may just take us a little bit to realize what exactly the reason is…. Wednesday night, day 3, one of our employees got arrested up at the restaurant… not a good situation but, what can you do? A few minutes ago, r called me to tell me that our night cook quit… he didn’t show up, didn’t call, nothing… just quit on us… I guess I never really fully understood what kind of impact it actually has on a person/business when you just quit… no notice or anything… now I know… I just feel so bad for r… he has been busting his butt up there and it just seems like everything is falling apart… I know, the first week isn’t even over yet either… it’s kinda discouraging though… I can’t vent to him because he is so stressed right now… I feel so helpless right now too… it breaks my heart that I can’t even help him out right now…
This freaking sucks!!! I am so pissed right now… the paragraph above was what I wrote earlier… I am hating people and hating life… I must say that up until I got the call from r earlier things were going really well… um, not so much anymore, thank you… am I ok, no, not really… thanks for asking…. My co-worker is sitting in there doing nothing and I’m in here busting my ass… because he’s lazy!! My boss is walking around lost instead of working on my billing… which I have to get done today… that’s the “rule”… we put the invoice date for Monday, i.e. the 31st, but don’t bill out until the very last minute on Friday… um, just because you’re behind all week long, don’t put me behind too… it’s not my fault that you over-load your plate and then expect me to stay late to make up for it… uh no, I’ve been sitting here all day long… waiting on my billing… which I’m not “smart enough” to do… so now what am I doing you might wonder? Oh, just sitting here, waiting on my billing… nice, lovely… I feel like no one is even taking me into consideration right now… well, screw you!!
Yes, I am taking everything personally right now… I know I’m not supposed too but… to hell with it!
This freaking sucks!!! I am so pissed right now… the paragraph above was what I wrote earlier… I am hating people and hating life… I must say that up until I got the call from r earlier things were going really well… um, not so much anymore, thank you… am I ok, no, not really… thanks for asking…. My co-worker is sitting in there doing nothing and I’m in here busting my ass… because he’s lazy!! My boss is walking around lost instead of working on my billing… which I have to get done today… that’s the “rule”… we put the invoice date for Monday, i.e. the 31st, but don’t bill out until the very last minute on Friday… um, just because you’re behind all week long, don’t put me behind too… it’s not my fault that you over-load your plate and then expect me to stay late to make up for it… uh no, I’ve been sitting here all day long… waiting on my billing… which I’m not “smart enough” to do… so now what am I doing you might wonder? Oh, just sitting here, waiting on my billing… nice, lovely… I feel like no one is even taking me into consideration right now… well, screw you!!
Yes, I am taking everything personally right now… I know I’m not supposed too but… to hell with it!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Whew!!
Whew!! So, r and I have survived day 2 of the cedar tree…. I must say, for r, day 1 was hectic… a madhouse as he described it… for me, just stressful, I was dying to know what was going on but didn’t want to call and bother him… I figured it was hectic enough! Day 2 though, not near as bad as yesterday!! And yesterday wasn’t even bad!! We are doing really good… I had guesstimated our monthly bills and what we needed to average a day…. Well, between both days we’ve hit the average! Yes, we’ve only been open 2 days but at the same time, we’ve only been open 2 days!! we haven’t advertised yet, the first ad will be in the leader on Thursday! So, all of our business has been word of mouth and we’ve hit our average! I wasn’t for sure if we would…. Especially opening the way we did… but, I’m so glad that things worked out the way they did…. Yes, hindsight is 20/20… and like I’ve said, everything happens for a reason…. It’s all good though!! Work has been super busy the past couple of days but that’s good… it makes the day go by faster and keeps my mind off what’s going on at the restaurant…. I just wanted to check in…. let you know how things are going…. More later!!
Monday, July 31, 2006
De-stressing....
Well, it’s Monday, opening day of The Cedar Tree…. Hopefully!! I’m still waiting on r to call and tell me that the health department cleared us and we are good to open!! He hasn’t called and it’s making me nervous but I know that it will all be ok… we got to talking last night about how good it was to see b& k and to get to spend time with them!! Even though we don’t get to see them as much as we would like too, it’s always really good to see them when we have a chance!! Then we started talking about the restaurant and how when he’s worked at other restaurants and it was opening day most of the time they didn’t even know what the menu was… usually the owner would come in and give it to them and have them go to town…. He said that he’s not stressing anything after the health dept… plus, he’s got all the “old” employees back who know what’s going on…. it may be a limited menu today since we weren’t allowed to get any food prep done but that’s ok…. That’s what the “soft” opening is for…. Give us a week to work the kinks out… then we can have our grand opening…. Sleep came last night but only after tossing and turning for a long time!! That’s ok though… hopefully things will calm down now that we’ll be open! So this morning when I woke up the stress instantly hit me…. then I got to work and had this email and it is so true!! They say that the universe gives you what you need when you need it and I’m really finding this to be the truth…. Everything that you need in this moment you have… there is no reason to worry about the future and all the what-if outcomes…. Just re-reading the email helps instill a sense of peace in me….
You may feel the effects of recent stress in your life today. This could be due to your worrying about life events, which could leave you feeling exhausted as a result. While it is important to realize that there is some value in thinking about your life, today might be a good time to work on learning how to relinquish your concerns about the future. You could do this by training your mind to stay in the present. During the day when you find that you are thinking about some future outcome, you can gently remind yourself that you are not in the present and that your thoughts are not part of your present reality. This should bring you back to where you are in the now. You might notice that your worries about the future dissipate as soon as you ground yourself in the moment.Letting ourselves see that the now holds everything we need frees us from our future concerns. It is easy to become preoccupied with things that haven’t yet happened. We have the tendency to play different scenarios over in our minds about what will occur if we take certain actions. Although, if we think about it, the results we spend so much time thinking about are seldom realized. The universe has its own way of leading us through life, and as a result, we can never really anticipate what will happen. By keeping your mind grounded in the present, your worries about the future will diminish today.
You may feel the effects of recent stress in your life today. This could be due to your worrying about life events, which could leave you feeling exhausted as a result. While it is important to realize that there is some value in thinking about your life, today might be a good time to work on learning how to relinquish your concerns about the future. You could do this by training your mind to stay in the present. During the day when you find that you are thinking about some future outcome, you can gently remind yourself that you are not in the present and that your thoughts are not part of your present reality. This should bring you back to where you are in the now. You might notice that your worries about the future dissipate as soon as you ground yourself in the moment.Letting ourselves see that the now holds everything we need frees us from our future concerns. It is easy to become preoccupied with things that haven’t yet happened. We have the tendency to play different scenarios over in our minds about what will occur if we take certain actions. Although, if we think about it, the results we spend so much time thinking about are seldom realized. The universe has its own way of leading us through life, and as a result, we can never really anticipate what will happen. By keeping your mind grounded in the present, your worries about the future will diminish today.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Stressing.....
it's funny the way that i don't notice things.... like for instance, the way that i've been stressing today.... our friends, b & k, who we haven't seen in a long time came in from dallas today... it was so good to see them!! k was an enormous help to me today, especially at kinko's.... whew, that could have been a disaster had she not been there... copiers can be intimidating!! i never would have thought that!! she helped me "stuff" menus too!! that would have been a long and tedious task by myself! r was pretty stressed today.... he does a good job "hiding" it though... to me it's pretty obvious that i take my stress out on him.... i know, it's not nice and i really am working on it.... to me though he doesn't really show his stress.... i mean, i can see it but it's hard for others to see sometimes.... anywho, b & k left to head back home and r left to go to lowe's and/or home depot... he had to get a few more things for the restaurant and i was finishing up stuffing my breakfast menus.... he left and i finished my menus and sat down on the couch to relax... relax, um, maybe not... (the menus were stressing me out but not after kinko's....) so, i sit down on the couch and realize, dang, i am stressing... i keep trying to joke about not worrying about the restaurant and not really having anything to do with it but i am stressing.... once again, way down deep, i know that there is nothing to stress about... everything is going to work out and will be great but i am nervous!! so nervous!! i know r is too.... and i feel really bad for him.... he's going into tomorrow not "knowing" how the day is going to go down.... i guess you could say it's like starting a new job and having no clue about anything... i am hoping that blogging this will help me let the stress go.... it is and isn't.... i don't know that at this point that much would really de-stress me except for tomorrow getting here and being over with asap.... r is home from the store now... i'm going to talk to him and figure out what we're having for dinner.... more later!!
p.s.... i am loving having a wireless laptop!! it is so amazing!!! thank you both so much!!
p.s.... i am loving having a wireless laptop!! it is so amazing!!! thank you both so much!!
Friday, July 28, 2006
Better!
things are much better today... maybe i should phrase it like this, my outlook is much better today.... i was just stressing yesterday and was looking to get upset with someone and r just happened to be the "chosen one".... it's all good though.... like i said yesterday, everything happens for a reason and though i may not be able to see what the reason is right now, there is one... there's no use trying to "force" everything/anything... everything will fall into place at the right time... i've learned that that's really how everything happens... for some reason though i think that everything should happen at my pace... i'm working on that though.... my stress level is still high but that's to be expected.... we've got a lot of work ahead of us this weekend but i'm ready for it... it will all be well worth it, it already is!! things are good though!! we're getting our "problem areas" taken care of and then all we really have left to do is paint the non-smoking section... there are "little" things that need to be done, filling salt & pepper shakers, sugar bottles (?) for the tables, things like that... but that's no problem!! no worries!!! more asap!!!
i really like this....
Lessons on Life
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.
The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons t hat they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.
Moral lessons:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.
i really like this....
Lessons on Life
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.
The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons t hat they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.
Moral lessons:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Stressing
It could be worse… it can always be worse…. Besides, this is the only setback that we’ve really had so far…. R said that the health department didn’t pass us because there were some spots that needed to be painted (in the dish area & our storage room… you can’t have any “raw” unpainted wood) and the inspector isn’t sure if we need a separate mop sink… he said something about a hand sink, but we have one of those… I’m going to call r back at lunch and talk to him… I didn’t get a chance to really talk to him earlier… he didn’t seem to be in too good of a mood though… I can only imagine…. We went out there last night for a little bit and worked but we weren’t really worried about anything because we thought that everything looked good…. What I don’t really understand, how did the previous owner pass her inspection?!? She had really goofy ideas about everything and was not a cleaner at all! Everything happens for a reason though… it’s going to be ok…. The restaurant looks so much better than it did before too!! (I’m taking this personally and I shouldn’t be!) It just kinda upsets me that we didn’t pass…. I’m pretty sure that it upsets r too…. we’ve been out there every night this week working and after Tuesday night I felt so much better… we got so much accomplished… now I’m thinking that maybe we weren’t working on the “right” things… needless to say, my stress level is back up…. I know I keep “saying” this but it will be ok and everything does happen for a reason…. I think I feel so bad because we have been telling everyone that we will be open on Monday and now I’m not sure if we will be…. I can’t let all of this get to me though…. we’ve worked really hard to get to where we’re at and I know we can do this… it’s just going to be a long weekend…. that was to be expected though…. maybe a longer than expected weekend…. I’m already so tired I feel like I need some toothpicks to keep my eyelids open!! I so did not want to get up this morning…. No biggie, sleep is over-rated anyhow… hehe….
I talked to r at lunch and he said that he’s not worried about us opening… worst case scenario, we won’t open until around 8am Monday morning (instead of 6am)… or we can pull an all-nighter tonight if we have too…. it’s all little “petty” stuff that we need to take care of… like the raw wood shelves in our dry storage area, we didn’t know those had to be painted… r knew the ones in the kitchen had to be painted but not those… the inspector explained that if a can or something was to burst then it would contaminate the wood… ok,I understand that… I just wish we would have known… but, we’ll get it taken care of…. Hopefully the inspector can come back out tomorrow though… I’m going crazy right now because I’m just sitting here at work… that’s actually all I’ve been doing all day long… just sitting here… I could be out there working but I can’t be because I’ve got to be here… I would ask my boss if I could leave early but he’s been in a foul mood this week about people not being at work… so I’m not even going to say anything to him about leaving early… I’m just not a procrastinator (and my husband is)… it bothers me to no end to wait until the last minute to get everything done but sometimes that’s just how it has to be… the health dept was one of those things where we could have had them come out to do a pre-inspection but he didn’t really think it was necessary… now, we’re down to the wire rushing around trying to get all this stuff done… I told him that I didn’t really want to be rushing around at the last minute but…. Nothing we can do about it now… we’ll just do what we have to do to get it done… The panic attacks are just a little overwhelming right now… I had to get that off my chest! I know I need to be grateful for what we’ve already got done and for all the help that we’ve had and I’m really trying!!
I talked to r at lunch and he said that he’s not worried about us opening… worst case scenario, we won’t open until around 8am Monday morning (instead of 6am)… or we can pull an all-nighter tonight if we have too…. it’s all little “petty” stuff that we need to take care of… like the raw wood shelves in our dry storage area, we didn’t know those had to be painted… r knew the ones in the kitchen had to be painted but not those… the inspector explained that if a can or something was to burst then it would contaminate the wood… ok,I understand that… I just wish we would have known… but, we’ll get it taken care of…. Hopefully the inspector can come back out tomorrow though… I’m going crazy right now because I’m just sitting here at work… that’s actually all I’ve been doing all day long… just sitting here… I could be out there working but I can’t be because I’ve got to be here… I would ask my boss if I could leave early but he’s been in a foul mood this week about people not being at work… so I’m not even going to say anything to him about leaving early… I’m just not a procrastinator (and my husband is)… it bothers me to no end to wait until the last minute to get everything done but sometimes that’s just how it has to be… the health dept was one of those things where we could have had them come out to do a pre-inspection but he didn’t really think it was necessary… now, we’re down to the wire rushing around trying to get all this stuff done… I told him that I didn’t really want to be rushing around at the last minute but…. Nothing we can do about it now… we’ll just do what we have to do to get it done… The panic attacks are just a little overwhelming right now… I had to get that off my chest! I know I need to be grateful for what we’ve already got done and for all the help that we’ve had and I’m really trying!!
Monday, July 24, 2006
Change
it's monday.... and i am stressing pretty good.... over what, change... i know that change is a good thing... all endings are also beginnings.... r's last day at work was friday.... this morning he got up at the same time i did to get ready to go out to the restaurant.... i think he was really nervous and it kinda hit both of us that we have one week until we open.... it seems that there is so much left to be done and it's kinda overwhelming.... when i talked to him earlier he had 2 employees up there helping him... he said that he didn't really know what to do... for me personally, i am not nervous regarding the success of the restaurant, i know it will succeed... i am sitting here trying to figure out exactly why i'm having a panic attack and my anxiety is flaring up.... i think it could just be general stress over everything.... r not getting a "regular" paycheck, starting our own business, all the stresses & responsibilities that come with owning your own business, and maybe actually opening up.... deep down i know that all will be ok and that we will succeed in our venture but change is scary... for me anyways... i need to change that thought though.... change should not scare me... (i've been looking thru all the postive thoughts that i keep and can't find one that i can kinda remember that i was looking for.... oh well, apparently it was not needed that bad...) i should accept and embrace change... i am working on that.... the unknown is what i fear... though i shouldn't... i have been shown that i can manifest my own destiny and knowing that i should have no fear for the future... i should be able to accept change and know that everything happens for a reason and that the universe will provide me with all that i need... and in this moment, i do have everything that i need.... if i start thinking about lacking and not having enough then that is what i will manifest... knowing that deep down i know without a doubt that all will be ok i am going to embrace this change... life was good before, r and i were pretty much able to go and do as we pleased but he had kinda hit the ceiling regarding pay at his old job... we were fine now and probably would stay fine as long as we didn't want too much more.... owning our own business will allow us greater financial sucess and there really is no "ceiling" to hit.... how hard we want to work at this will determine our financial reward.... this morning after r left for the restaurant i was having bad anxiety.... i feel so much better now though just getting all this off my chest... i just need to let the deep down knowing of success push out the anxiety and have peaceful thoughts and feelings.... i know this is easier said than done but it is what i'm going to work on.... out with the bad, in with the good...
on a different note though, we did have a productive weekend... mom and dad came out and helped us paint friday and saturday... we got a lot done.. we are so close to being done with the smoking section and the lobby area.... so close!!! once we got those 2 areas painted i will feel so much better!! we took the day off yesterday because i have a sneaky feeling that we'll probably be out there most every night this week and all this weekend... i'm fine with that though... opening day is coming soon!!! besides working on the restaurant there hasn't been much else going on... that's not a bad thing and i'm not complaining, i just don't think there is much else to blog about right now... until next time.....
on a different note though, we did have a productive weekend... mom and dad came out and helped us paint friday and saturday... we got a lot done.. we are so close to being done with the smoking section and the lobby area.... so close!!! once we got those 2 areas painted i will feel so much better!! we took the day off yesterday because i have a sneaky feeling that we'll probably be out there most every night this week and all this weekend... i'm fine with that though... opening day is coming soon!!! besides working on the restaurant there hasn't been much else going on... that's not a bad thing and i'm not complaining, i just don't think there is much else to blog about right now... until next time.....
Friday, July 21, 2006
Friday!!
YEAH!!! it's friday!!! i am so glad!!! we've got a lot of things that we need to get done between now and monday, the 31st.... that is the day that the cedar tree officially opens... i know we'll get it all done but the next week is going to be a tad bit stressful.... that's ok though... it'll be so worth it... the end result will be great!!! r was telling me that his store (at his "old" job even though today is his last day) got a plaque from corporate.... his store was #2, in the whole chain of stores, for the highest sales increase in 2005!! that makes me really proud and happy!!! (especially since we've bought the restaurant!!) not that i had any doubt about it being successful, it's just more of a reassurance... i am proud of him though and not just for the sales increase thing either.... he has been kicking butt and taking names lately... and i know it's just going to keep going (which is fine by me!)... he told me that he's in "do the damn deal" mode.... that phrase came from some movie or something but as of the past week he "informed" me that that is the mode that he has been in.... i'm really excited about the restaurant and i know that he is too... it is stressful but it hasn't been that bad... the only thing that i feel we've really been battling is the paint... who knew that paint could be as hectic as it's been... no biggie though, if things keep going like they have i can deal with the paint!! i would gladly take that as the biggest stress that we have/had.... i talked to mom and dad last night and they have volunteered (and have been volunteering) to come out and help us... r and i wanted to wait and see how much we could get done and then get a final push going this weekend, week, and next weekend.... it makes me feel good because we've had so much support...
besides the restaurant stuff there hasn't been too much going on, not that the restaurant isn't enough!! i took the "night off" from the restaurant last night and cleaned the house... well, r had to close so i didn't have/get to paint... i need to get to working on a list of all the things that i need to do before we open and what we need to buy... i've got to go to the grocery store before i go home from work today because the precious little kitties ran out of their favorite fancy feast.... and they just pretty much won't eat what i do happen to have... if it's not the grilled flaked tuna in gravy i don't think they want to have anything to do with it... that's ok though... i helped make them the way they are today... i can't blame anyone but myself!! r did try to tell me... and for some goofy reason i thought i knew what i was doing... let's see, he's had cats his whole life; me, my only pet was a hamster... shoulda listened to him... that's ok though... i have figured out that sometimes he is right... i'm thinking really hard to see if there is anything else that i've been thinking about blogging... i've been thinking about it all week long but always got busy or something else came up... well, i'll blog as much as possible this next week!!!
besides the restaurant stuff there hasn't been too much going on, not that the restaurant isn't enough!! i took the "night off" from the restaurant last night and cleaned the house... well, r had to close so i didn't have/get to paint... i need to get to working on a list of all the things that i need to do before we open and what we need to buy... i've got to go to the grocery store before i go home from work today because the precious little kitties ran out of their favorite fancy feast.... and they just pretty much won't eat what i do happen to have... if it's not the grilled flaked tuna in gravy i don't think they want to have anything to do with it... that's ok though... i helped make them the way they are today... i can't blame anyone but myself!! r did try to tell me... and for some goofy reason i thought i knew what i was doing... let's see, he's had cats his whole life; me, my only pet was a hamster... shoulda listened to him... that's ok though... i have figured out that sometimes he is right... i'm thinking really hard to see if there is anything else that i've been thinking about blogging... i've been thinking about it all week long but always got busy or something else came up... well, i'll blog as much as possible this next week!!!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
No Way!!!
now really, this can't be happening... it is too exciting and cute!!! so yesterday I was “tailing” (HAHAHA) you about the first time cat owner blog… ok, get this!! now, the kitty has a blog about the kitty owner!!!! it is amazing and awesome!!! i can't even begin to tell you how excited i am about this!!! just in case you're interested....
http://bogblogs.spaces.msn.com/
http://bogblogs.spaces.msn.com/
Food for Thought
i have been reading The Te of Piglet and i really liked this so i thought i would share it...
The next time a What If starts badgering you, look it straight in the eyes and ask it, “All right, what’s the very worst that could possibly happen?” And when it answers, ask yourself, “What could I do about it?” You’ll find that there always will be something. Then you’ll see that you can have power in any situation. And when you realize that, the fears will go away and we won’t be intimidated by fears- neither fear of failure nor fear of success.
Matsuo Basho: Every bend in the road brings me new ideas; every dawn gives me fresh feelings.
The next time a What If starts badgering you, look it straight in the eyes and ask it, “All right, what’s the very worst that could possibly happen?” And when it answers, ask yourself, “What could I do about it?” You’ll find that there always will be something. Then you’ll see that you can have power in any situation. And when you realize that, the fears will go away and we won’t be intimidated by fears- neither fear of failure nor fear of success.
Matsuo Basho: Every bend in the road brings me new ideas; every dawn gives me fresh feelings.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Best Blog Ever!!
i was looking around the internet today and discovered the best blog ever!!! i so wish i would have thought about blogging about my kitties!!! if you are a kitty lover you must check this blog out!!!
http://manohmanny.spaces.msn.com/
http://manohmanny.spaces.msn.com/
Monday, July 17, 2006
....
well, once again, it is monday.... things have been good lately, just really busy... i was busy at work before we went on vacation, busy over vacation, and since vacation i've been busy at work and home.... work isn't that big of a deal... just basic work stuff.... busy trying to play catch up from being on vacation and because i seem to be the only one in the office working... nice!! it really wouldn't bother me if i didn't feel so disrespected.... that's another story for another time though....
r and i had a good productive weekend.... saturday we got up and went and painted at the cedar tree... sunday morning i got up and went to the grocery store and planned on having a nice, quiet, uneventful day.... it wasn't too bad.... we got to replace our hot water heater at the house though.... that was a nice chunk of change that i was planning on saving but that's why we save, for rainy days....
i would have to say that even though we've had a few setbacks they've all been nothing major... i tried for 3 days straight last week to get the paint for the restaurant and didn't do so well... that's ok though, we now know what we have to do in order to get the paint... since that's the only real issue we've had with the restaurant so far i can deal with that.... i've been trying to call all the gov't agencies that you have to contact to find out what posters you have to have displayed and what regulations we need to comply with... that is a pain in the rear though!! i suppose that's to be expected since we're dealing with the gov't...
this is r's last week at his "old" job... i think that may be why i'm starting to stress so much.... his "regular" weekly paycheck that we can count on is about to end... that is nerve racking in itself... i know we'll be fine and everything will work out but it's really scary.... i still feel like i have an ass ton of stuff to do though... calling, getting the utilities changed over into our name, put an ad in the local paper... the stress hit r the sunday before our vacation, it's just now hitting me.... in 2 mondays we are supposed to be opening.... whew... it'll all work out and i have faith in that... it's just a little stressing though....
i know i haven't really blogged in a while... we've just been working on the restaurant and then our "usual" stuff.... the restaurant has been keeping us busy though... all the "red tape" and stuff you get to go thru.... i'll just be so glad when it's open and running... my mood has been, well, ok lately... not good but it has gotten bad... the bad usually occurs up here at work when i get mad because of the whole no-respect thing... it'll all be ok though... i just have to take one day at a time... i know i can do this!! there is no challenge that i can't overcome!!! i just received an email that i think fits nicely in here... until later!!
Our lives are an exercise in facing challenges. We dream the grandest of dreams as youngsters only to discover that we must cultivate copious inner strength and determination in order to meet our goals. Our hard work does not always yield the results we expect. And it is when we find ourselves frustrated by the trials we face or unable to meet our own expectations that we are most apt to take notice of those individuals who appear to accomplish great feats effortlessly. Some people's lives seem to magically fall into place. We can see the blessings they have received, the ease with which they have attained their desires, their unwavering confidence, and their wealth. But, because we can never see the story of their lives as a whole, it is important that we refrain from passing judgment or becoming envious. Throughout our lives, we glimpse only the outer hull of others' life experiences, so it's tempting to presuppose that the abundance they enjoy is the result of luck rather than diligent effort. In a small number of cases, our assumptions may mirror reality. But very few people "have it easy." Everyone must overcome difficulties and everyone has been granted a distinctive set of talents with which to do so. An individual who is highly gifted may nonetheless have to practice industriously and correct themselves repeatedly in order to cultivate their talents. Their myriad accomplishments are more likely than not the result of ongoing hard work and sacrifice. You, no doubt, have natural abilities that you have nurtured and your gifts may be the very reason you strive as tirelessly as you do. Yet others see only the outcome of your efforts and not the efforts themselves. Our intellects, our hearts, and our souls are constantly being tested by the universe. Life will create new challenges for you to face each time you prove yourself capable of overcoming the challenges of the past. What you deem difficult will always differ from that which others deem difficult. The tests you will be given will be as unique as you are. If you focus on doing the best you can and making use of the blessings you have been granted, the outcome of your efforts will be a joyous reflection of your dedication.
r and i had a good productive weekend.... saturday we got up and went and painted at the cedar tree... sunday morning i got up and went to the grocery store and planned on having a nice, quiet, uneventful day.... it wasn't too bad.... we got to replace our hot water heater at the house though.... that was a nice chunk of change that i was planning on saving but that's why we save, for rainy days....
i would have to say that even though we've had a few setbacks they've all been nothing major... i tried for 3 days straight last week to get the paint for the restaurant and didn't do so well... that's ok though, we now know what we have to do in order to get the paint... since that's the only real issue we've had with the restaurant so far i can deal with that.... i've been trying to call all the gov't agencies that you have to contact to find out what posters you have to have displayed and what regulations we need to comply with... that is a pain in the rear though!! i suppose that's to be expected since we're dealing with the gov't...
this is r's last week at his "old" job... i think that may be why i'm starting to stress so much.... his "regular" weekly paycheck that we can count on is about to end... that is nerve racking in itself... i know we'll be fine and everything will work out but it's really scary.... i still feel like i have an ass ton of stuff to do though... calling, getting the utilities changed over into our name, put an ad in the local paper... the stress hit r the sunday before our vacation, it's just now hitting me.... in 2 mondays we are supposed to be opening.... whew... it'll all work out and i have faith in that... it's just a little stressing though....
i know i haven't really blogged in a while... we've just been working on the restaurant and then our "usual" stuff.... the restaurant has been keeping us busy though... all the "red tape" and stuff you get to go thru.... i'll just be so glad when it's open and running... my mood has been, well, ok lately... not good but it has gotten bad... the bad usually occurs up here at work when i get mad because of the whole no-respect thing... it'll all be ok though... i just have to take one day at a time... i know i can do this!! there is no challenge that i can't overcome!!! i just received an email that i think fits nicely in here... until later!!
Our lives are an exercise in facing challenges. We dream the grandest of dreams as youngsters only to discover that we must cultivate copious inner strength and determination in order to meet our goals. Our hard work does not always yield the results we expect. And it is when we find ourselves frustrated by the trials we face or unable to meet our own expectations that we are most apt to take notice of those individuals who appear to accomplish great feats effortlessly. Some people's lives seem to magically fall into place. We can see the blessings they have received, the ease with which they have attained their desires, their unwavering confidence, and their wealth. But, because we can never see the story of their lives as a whole, it is important that we refrain from passing judgment or becoming envious. Throughout our lives, we glimpse only the outer hull of others' life experiences, so it's tempting to presuppose that the abundance they enjoy is the result of luck rather than diligent effort. In a small number of cases, our assumptions may mirror reality. But very few people "have it easy." Everyone must overcome difficulties and everyone has been granted a distinctive set of talents with which to do so. An individual who is highly gifted may nonetheless have to practice industriously and correct themselves repeatedly in order to cultivate their talents. Their myriad accomplishments are more likely than not the result of ongoing hard work and sacrifice. You, no doubt, have natural abilities that you have nurtured and your gifts may be the very reason you strive as tirelessly as you do. Yet others see only the outcome of your efforts and not the efforts themselves. Our intellects, our hearts, and our souls are constantly being tested by the universe. Life will create new challenges for you to face each time you prove yourself capable of overcoming the challenges of the past. What you deem difficult will always differ from that which others deem difficult. The tests you will be given will be as unique as you are. If you focus on doing the best you can and making use of the blessings you have been granted, the outcome of your efforts will be a joyous reflection of your dedication.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
The Cedar Tree
this is going to be short because i am covered up at work but r and i are now the official owners of The Cedar Tree!! i'm so excited and can't wait to get it open and running!! more later, i've got to get caught up!!!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Checking In
it's 2:54am and i've been awake for a couple of hours so i decided to get out of bed to see if i could make myself tired again... the fact that i was in bed and asleep shortly after 8 last night probably has something to do with the fact that i'm awake... i was so tired though... i couldn't keep my eyes open and thought i'll just go to bed...
i guess you could say that my vacation is officially over considering i leave for work in about 5 hours... yuck!! not yuck to going back to work just to my co-worker... i am going in with a positive attitude though... seeing as how i had a week off from him maybe that will make things better!
r and i had a good but busy vacation... we got a lot of stuff done that we needed to get done for the restaurant... we were up there saturday morning painting and the head waitress that worked there before stopped by... she is really nice and i am so excited that she's coming back... so are the 2 cooks and the other waitress.... most of our "staffing needs" have been taken care of and that's a huge sigh of relief.... i think we may need to find a dishwasher and maybe one more waitress.... the last 2 are kinda optional though... the head waitress, which is what's she will be again, is so excited... she said that she's talked to the others that are coming back and everyone is really looking forward to it... we plan on keeping everything the same... the only thing that will be different are the paint colors... they even volunteered to help paint! we ran around last week and worked on getting our "red tape" new business stuff taken care of... the only thing we have left to do is to get our change of ownership application back to the health dept... that's kinda a hectic process but that's ok... we're working on it and we'll get it taken care of... soon!! i have a few more calls to make but after that it's pretty much just working on getting the restaurant ready to open... our tentative date, july 31st... it'll be here soon! it seems like everything is just falling into place... i hope it keeps working this way, it's amazing!!
well, i think i'm getting tired, i'm yawning... i'm off to try to get some more sleep... if i can't sleep i'm sure i'll be back!!
i guess you could say that my vacation is officially over considering i leave for work in about 5 hours... yuck!! not yuck to going back to work just to my co-worker... i am going in with a positive attitude though... seeing as how i had a week off from him maybe that will make things better!
r and i had a good but busy vacation... we got a lot of stuff done that we needed to get done for the restaurant... we were up there saturday morning painting and the head waitress that worked there before stopped by... she is really nice and i am so excited that she's coming back... so are the 2 cooks and the other waitress.... most of our "staffing needs" have been taken care of and that's a huge sigh of relief.... i think we may need to find a dishwasher and maybe one more waitress.... the last 2 are kinda optional though... the head waitress, which is what's she will be again, is so excited... she said that she's talked to the others that are coming back and everyone is really looking forward to it... we plan on keeping everything the same... the only thing that will be different are the paint colors... they even volunteered to help paint! we ran around last week and worked on getting our "red tape" new business stuff taken care of... the only thing we have left to do is to get our change of ownership application back to the health dept... that's kinda a hectic process but that's ok... we're working on it and we'll get it taken care of... soon!! i have a few more calls to make but after that it's pretty much just working on getting the restaurant ready to open... our tentative date, july 31st... it'll be here soon! it seems like everything is just falling into place... i hope it keeps working this way, it's amazing!!
well, i think i'm getting tired, i'm yawning... i'm off to try to get some more sleep... if i can't sleep i'm sure i'll be back!!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Approved
i just went on the wells fargo website and checked to see if they had approved our personal loan or not... it was approved.... we now have the money to cover our start up costs and our down payment.... now i'm nervous!!!
Feeling Better
this morning i have a whole attitude... i am going to call the small business development center so that r and i can go talk to them about buying the cedar tree... the sbdc helps people start up businesses, buy existing business, offers free training for business owners.... stuff like that... so we're going to go talk to them and get them to help us put together a loan proposal so that we can get financing... i think i got so upset yesterday because talking to the banker was just the straw that broke the camel's back... i am still so excited about the cedar tree though!!! i know it's going to happen and it's going to be awesome!!! even if r only makes the same amount of money that he's making now, we're not losing anything... he has no benefits or anything like that thru his current job... i am so not worried about it though... we're going to give it our best shot (and prove all the haters wrong!!)
i didn't go weigh in last night.... after a long talk with k i realized that lately i feel that i have been doing ww for the wrong reasons... for everyone else but me.... i'm so proud of myself for losing44.5lbs!! i'm not quitting weight watchers but i'm just not taking it as seriously... i've proven to myself that i can lose weight and if i want to not take it as seriously i don't have too.... i'm not going to gain it back, i just want to keep losing if not just maintain... maintaining to me would be excellent!! there are 2 parts to losing weight... losing the weight and keeping it off... for some reason, right now i just want to try maintaining... see how that goes... but, like k and i talked about... i'm doing what i want to do and i'm doing it for me! i'm not going to let everyone else's "number dependency" affect me... if they want to decide their happines with numbers, so be it... happiness is not about the amount of money that you make, how much you do or don't weigh, the number of kids you do or don't have... it's about what you make out of life... it's if you decide that you want to be happy and i am so incredibly happy right now... i am so excited about the cedar tree opportunity and everything that the future holds... i am chosing to be happy!!
i didn't go weigh in last night.... after a long talk with k i realized that lately i feel that i have been doing ww for the wrong reasons... for everyone else but me.... i'm so proud of myself for losing44.5lbs!! i'm not quitting weight watchers but i'm just not taking it as seriously... i've proven to myself that i can lose weight and if i want to not take it as seriously i don't have too.... i'm not going to gain it back, i just want to keep losing if not just maintain... maintaining to me would be excellent!! there are 2 parts to losing weight... losing the weight and keeping it off... for some reason, right now i just want to try maintaining... see how that goes... but, like k and i talked about... i'm doing what i want to do and i'm doing it for me! i'm not going to let everyone else's "number dependency" affect me... if they want to decide their happines with numbers, so be it... happiness is not about the amount of money that you make, how much you do or don't weigh, the number of kids you do or don't have... it's about what you make out of life... it's if you decide that you want to be happy and i am so incredibly happy right now... i am so excited about the cedar tree opportunity and everything that the future holds... i am chosing to be happy!!
Monday, June 26, 2006
Honesty
i've been thinking all morning long.... thinking about where r and i are in life and how to allow life to manifest itself.... meaning, how can we make our thoughts our reality? i don't know...
i started this blog to allow myself a neutral place to vent, let my thoughts and emotions out, and just basically try to get everything out of my head... here i am now... sitting here and thinking about my blog earlier.... i was working and kept thinking, i wish i was busy today so my mind would quit thinking.... then i thought that it probably didn't matter how busy i was today, my mind would be on r and our current situation...
i guess i should start at the beginning.... r and i have been talking to two guys about buying a restaurant in a small town about 10 minutes away from where we live now... i would never even listen to an idea about a restaurant here... even some of the big name chain restaurants don't make it here.... our town is just too restaurant-infested.... up until this past tuesday we had no other details about the restaurant... we know that it's been there forever and everyone in town wants it to open again.... it's been closed for about 2 months... the previous "owner" ran it into the ground... r went and talked to them tuesday and then we both went out there saturday morning and talked to them.... everything that they said was excellent! the asking price, the montly payment... everything... the men that own the restaurant are so nice and kept saying that they are willing to work with us... they only want $20,000 down... that's really not bad at all... as far as businesses are concerned anyways... then we'll need some cash for start-up costs.... r and i have been super excited because he has always talked about owning his own restaurant.... i was so nervous this morning to call the banker... he's a friend of the family and we've known him forever... he said that without financials it's going to almost be impossible to get a business loan because no one is going to want to loan us the money not knowing that we will/or how we will be able to pay it back.... we don't have any financials though... we can't use the lady who they just repo'd it from... those are no good... there basically aren't any financials.... we would have to apply for a loan like a new business.... this crushes me though and i do not want to tell r this... i have absolutely no doubt that r and i could make this work... this is the one thing in my life i have been 110% sure of... we both know that it's going to be a lot of work at the beginning but we both know that together we can do it and it will be successful.... the problem, i don't know where to get the start-up cash or the down payment... if we had the money just laying around i'd be more than happy to use it but we don't.... i know i'm not supposed to but i'm taking this very personally... i feel like, if someone would just give us a chance, we could and would prove everyone wrong... i talked to mom about this on saturday to feel her out and see what she thought... i got the feeling that she doesn't think it's such a good idea and was more worried about me quitting weight watchers (if we did buy the restaurant) than she was about us buying the restaurant... it seems that people are so hung up on numbers and weight.... how much you weigh, how much you should weigh... not how happy you are or aren't... this bothers me because my happiness isn't dependent on my weight... it's dependent on my life and my life with r... it's not dependent on a number... any number for that matter.... several people have commented that it should be really easy to get a business loan for such a small amount of money.... after talking to the banker this morning i felt like a failure.... and i had only talked to one banker... he didn't even deny us... he just told us that most banks were going to be against us.... only because of the financials... it has nothing to do with how good our credit is... or how hard we've worked to get where we are today.... it's because we don't have any financials... (sorry, i'm getting pissed now... i think that's why i didn't really say much about it earlier... my feelings were already hurt and i didn't really want to discuss it.... too late now, it's out in the open and my emotions are on the surface....) my question is, how do people with no money start up their own businesses? we don't have anything to put up as collateral and i'm getting the feeling, from more than one person, that we shouldn't do this, it won't be successful... does no one care how r and i feel? does no one care that we know we can make it work? yes it will take time to build up our customer base but damn, that's all we have is time!!! and experience!! between the both of us i am 110% confident that we could make the cedar tree a successful business!! he has the know how to run a restaurant and i have the know how to keep the books... he's always worked in the food service industry and always will... why, personal reasons that are none of anyones business.... he doesn't feel appreciated at the job he's in now and i can't say that i blame him for wanting to better himself and his family... yes, there is a chance we could lose our asses but that's a chance we're both willing to take... if it wasn't going to work we both wouldn't be willing to chance it.... something would be telling one of us no... if it's meant to be it will all work out... how, i don't know at this point... all i can do is have faith....
i started this blog to allow myself a neutral place to vent, let my thoughts and emotions out, and just basically try to get everything out of my head... here i am now... sitting here and thinking about my blog earlier.... i was working and kept thinking, i wish i was busy today so my mind would quit thinking.... then i thought that it probably didn't matter how busy i was today, my mind would be on r and our current situation...
i guess i should start at the beginning.... r and i have been talking to two guys about buying a restaurant in a small town about 10 minutes away from where we live now... i would never even listen to an idea about a restaurant here... even some of the big name chain restaurants don't make it here.... our town is just too restaurant-infested.... up until this past tuesday we had no other details about the restaurant... we know that it's been there forever and everyone in town wants it to open again.... it's been closed for about 2 months... the previous "owner" ran it into the ground... r went and talked to them tuesday and then we both went out there saturday morning and talked to them.... everything that they said was excellent! the asking price, the montly payment... everything... the men that own the restaurant are so nice and kept saying that they are willing to work with us... they only want $20,000 down... that's really not bad at all... as far as businesses are concerned anyways... then we'll need some cash for start-up costs.... r and i have been super excited because he has always talked about owning his own restaurant.... i was so nervous this morning to call the banker... he's a friend of the family and we've known him forever... he said that without financials it's going to almost be impossible to get a business loan because no one is going to want to loan us the money not knowing that we will/or how we will be able to pay it back.... we don't have any financials though... we can't use the lady who they just repo'd it from... those are no good... there basically aren't any financials.... we would have to apply for a loan like a new business.... this crushes me though and i do not want to tell r this... i have absolutely no doubt that r and i could make this work... this is the one thing in my life i have been 110% sure of... we both know that it's going to be a lot of work at the beginning but we both know that together we can do it and it will be successful.... the problem, i don't know where to get the start-up cash or the down payment... if we had the money just laying around i'd be more than happy to use it but we don't.... i know i'm not supposed to but i'm taking this very personally... i feel like, if someone would just give us a chance, we could and would prove everyone wrong... i talked to mom about this on saturday to feel her out and see what she thought... i got the feeling that she doesn't think it's such a good idea and was more worried about me quitting weight watchers (if we did buy the restaurant) than she was about us buying the restaurant... it seems that people are so hung up on numbers and weight.... how much you weigh, how much you should weigh... not how happy you are or aren't... this bothers me because my happiness isn't dependent on my weight... it's dependent on my life and my life with r... it's not dependent on a number... any number for that matter.... several people have commented that it should be really easy to get a business loan for such a small amount of money.... after talking to the banker this morning i felt like a failure.... and i had only talked to one banker... he didn't even deny us... he just told us that most banks were going to be against us.... only because of the financials... it has nothing to do with how good our credit is... or how hard we've worked to get where we are today.... it's because we don't have any financials... (sorry, i'm getting pissed now... i think that's why i didn't really say much about it earlier... my feelings were already hurt and i didn't really want to discuss it.... too late now, it's out in the open and my emotions are on the surface....) my question is, how do people with no money start up their own businesses? we don't have anything to put up as collateral and i'm getting the feeling, from more than one person, that we shouldn't do this, it won't be successful... does no one care how r and i feel? does no one care that we know we can make it work? yes it will take time to build up our customer base but damn, that's all we have is time!!! and experience!! between the both of us i am 110% confident that we could make the cedar tree a successful business!! he has the know how to run a restaurant and i have the know how to keep the books... he's always worked in the food service industry and always will... why, personal reasons that are none of anyones business.... he doesn't feel appreciated at the job he's in now and i can't say that i blame him for wanting to better himself and his family... yes, there is a chance we could lose our asses but that's a chance we're both willing to take... if it wasn't going to work we both wouldn't be willing to chance it.... something would be telling one of us no... if it's meant to be it will all work out... how, i don't know at this point... all i can do is have faith....
Mixed Up
This morning I was driving to work, looked at my hand, and realized that i was gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles were white…. We only have 4 more days, after today, until vacation… I can’t wait!! Saturday morning r and I went and talked to 2 guys about an incredible business opportunity… I was so not even nervous or worried until I was on my way to meet them…. Up until this morning everything seemed so do-able… like it was right there for us to take…. Now, I’m not so sure… I know that everything happens for a reason but how do you know when you’re trying too hard to make it happen? Where is the line? I’m not sure how you determine that… right now I really don’t feel too sure of much of anything…. 3 hours ago I had a totally different point of view… this morning I was so excited to blog… I just couldn’t wait to get to work because I had so much to say… that balloon has been deflated and now I don’t really know what to say….
R and I had a really good weekend… we didn’t do much of anything but it was still good!! My meeting is tonight…. last week I said I was going to go and stay for the meeting… i don’t really want too now… I would just like to go home and go to bed… I’m so dang tired… I haven’t slept well the past 2 nights… I’ve been having crazy stressful dreams! Anyways, I guess I’m off to work….
R and I had a really good weekend… we didn’t do much of anything but it was still good!! My meeting is tonight…. last week I said I was going to go and stay for the meeting… i don’t really want too now… I would just like to go home and go to bed… I’m so dang tired… I haven’t slept well the past 2 nights… I’ve been having crazy stressful dreams! Anyways, I guess I’m off to work….
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Life
Ah, where to begin… I went and got my hair done yesterday, cut and colored… I really like it, she cut the back of it off and it feels so much better… not that it was really long in the first place, but I’m not a hair kind of person… she also pierced my right ear 2 more times for me! I love getting my ears pierced!!! That makes for a total of 10, 6 in the right, 4 in the left… next time I go in I think we’re going to work on the left side… maybe… my right ear is pretty sore and I didn’t realize how much I used my left ear for until yesterday… we’ll just have to see how long the soreness lasts! If it’s not that bad then we’ll go ahead and do it…
R called me at work yesterday and told me that a little tiny kitten ran across the street yesterday and almost got hit by a car… last night we were watching tv and we kept hearing this little meowing…. There are 2 baby kittens outside our house! They’re white with a little brown and black… and oh so fluffy and furry!! They are so adorable!! I know we can’t keep them… two inside is enough…. They’re just so little and adorable though, they break my heart!! we haven’t seen any other babies around though…. they’re so wild… the neighbors from across the street came over last night, they were sitting outside and heard them meowing, and we asking if they were ours… they said they weren’t theirs and weren’t sure where they came from…. One lady kept saying to call animal control… I don’t think I can do that, our animal shelter is not a no-kill shelter… the one in a neighboring county is but not ours… she said they were little enough to be adopted but I feel so bad… I don’t know what to do… all over 2 baby kittens…
This morning when I got to work one of our foremen came over to the office and said, hey, come see what I’ve got in the back of my truck… he had a raccoon in a cage!! He said that it was in their backyard last night and so he put a trap out… he trapped it and said he couldn’t bring himself to shoot it… my reply, good!! It was so cute too!!! he’s going to let it go over by our main shop….
These poor little furry animals… I feel so bad for them… I realize that this is the way life is and that these things are going to happen but for some reason the cute, furry animals just get to me!!! talk about tearing at my heart strings!!! Up until we got mazzy I could take an animal or leave it… now, man my feelings have changed!! I would save all the little furry animals if I could… On a different note though, last night one of my friends called… we got to talking about life and how it seems that everything is just falling into place right now… things are so good, not just for r and I but for everyone… life is just rolling right along and it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything more!! The plans that we’ve talked about and the future that we hoped we would have just seems to be unfolding! I could not be happier!!! (with the exception of the little furry animals! J) but seriously, the skies are so blue!! It kinda makes me nervous because in the past when life has started to go good I started looking for the bottom to fall out… not this time though! life is good and it is going to continue to stay and be good!!! There will be little bumps along the way but that’s to be expected… knowing that I have r, my friends, and family by my side I know that together we can overcome anything!! There is nothing that we can’t handle!!
R called me at work yesterday and told me that a little tiny kitten ran across the street yesterday and almost got hit by a car… last night we were watching tv and we kept hearing this little meowing…. There are 2 baby kittens outside our house! They’re white with a little brown and black… and oh so fluffy and furry!! They are so adorable!! I know we can’t keep them… two inside is enough…. They’re just so little and adorable though, they break my heart!! we haven’t seen any other babies around though…. they’re so wild… the neighbors from across the street came over last night, they were sitting outside and heard them meowing, and we asking if they were ours… they said they weren’t theirs and weren’t sure where they came from…. One lady kept saying to call animal control… I don’t think I can do that, our animal shelter is not a no-kill shelter… the one in a neighboring county is but not ours… she said they were little enough to be adopted but I feel so bad… I don’t know what to do… all over 2 baby kittens…
This morning when I got to work one of our foremen came over to the office and said, hey, come see what I’ve got in the back of my truck… he had a raccoon in a cage!! He said that it was in their backyard last night and so he put a trap out… he trapped it and said he couldn’t bring himself to shoot it… my reply, good!! It was so cute too!!! he’s going to let it go over by our main shop….
These poor little furry animals… I feel so bad for them… I realize that this is the way life is and that these things are going to happen but for some reason the cute, furry animals just get to me!!! talk about tearing at my heart strings!!! Up until we got mazzy I could take an animal or leave it… now, man my feelings have changed!! I would save all the little furry animals if I could… On a different note though, last night one of my friends called… we got to talking about life and how it seems that everything is just falling into place right now… things are so good, not just for r and I but for everyone… life is just rolling right along and it’s like I couldn’t ask for anything more!! The plans that we’ve talked about and the future that we hoped we would have just seems to be unfolding! I could not be happier!!! (with the exception of the little furry animals! J) but seriously, the skies are so blue!! It kinda makes me nervous because in the past when life has started to go good I started looking for the bottom to fall out… not this time though! life is good and it is going to continue to stay and be good!!! There will be little bumps along the way but that’s to be expected… knowing that I have r, my friends, and family by my side I know that together we can overcome anything!! There is nothing that we can’t handle!!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Grand!
Life is grand!! No matter how sarcastic it may sound I am being honest!! I would like to say, right now life is grand but looking at the big picture, life is grand!! There are some bumps along the way but for the most part, it’s awesome!! Things are just going so good!! Everything seems to be turning out the way we hoped it would! R and I have been planning… well, planning as much as you can really plan life… talking about our future I should say… I am so excited for us and what the future holds!! Years ago when we would talk about the future or I would think about it I would have never imagined that we are actually in the process of manifesting what we want out of life!!! It is truly incredible!! R and I are meeting with two guys Saturday morning regarding a future business opportunity!! That is so exciting!!! I am so happy!! last night when I was laying in bed before going to sleep I was thinking, I’ll probably be in a bad mood tomorrow because the Mavericks lost… but no, I wasn’t! in fact, this is probably the best mood I’ve been in all week, so far! Regarding the Mavericks…. I can’t believe they lost… and to the heat! If you would have asked me when the finals started who would win, I would have said, without a doubt, the Mavericks!! But then the heat turn around and win 4 games in a row!?!?! What is that about?!?! It sure is a good thing I’m not a gambling kind of woman!! But, in the big picture, it’s no big deal and it doesn’t affect me in the least… I just enjoy watching the nba finals….
Life is just rocking right along though… I’m reading The Tao of Pooh and it is so good!! It’s so truthful!! I have read it before but it didn’t really make much sense… I’m not sure if the other books that I’ve been reading have helped me understand it or if I’m just at that point in life where it is now making sense to me… either way, I’ll take it… I just need to learn to roll with the punches…. Take things as they come… life is always changing and contrary to what I used to believe, change isn’t always bad! I’m still a very “routine” kind of person but like I said, change can be good!!! I’m off to get my hair “did”…. More later~
Life is just rocking right along though… I’m reading The Tao of Pooh and it is so good!! It’s so truthful!! I have read it before but it didn’t really make much sense… I’m not sure if the other books that I’ve been reading have helped me understand it or if I’m just at that point in life where it is now making sense to me… either way, I’ll take it… I just need to learn to roll with the punches…. Take things as they come… life is always changing and contrary to what I used to believe, change isn’t always bad! I’m still a very “routine” kind of person but like I said, change can be good!!! I’m off to get my hair “did”…. More later~
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
-5lbs. = -44.5lbs
I went and weighed last night… I lost 5lbs for a total loss of 44.5lbs!! I am very excited!! And surprised since I had no motivation and didn’t track anything at all last week!! I bought the magazine while I was there though…. there was an article in it about motivation and the meetings… I know the meetings motivate me I just need to plan better so that I can and will stay for one! I need to snack on something light at work around 4 so that I’m not starving and will stay!! That’s the main reason I don’t stay, I’m so dang hungry!! Anywho, 44.5lbs!! that’s amazing!!
As for my mood.. I’m not in a good mood or a bad mood, as I told r last night, I’m just kinda existing right now… I’m here… I don’t have much of anything to say.… that’s about it…. I know staying for the meeting last night would have really helped me out but…. That’s ok though… r had me talking and laughing last night…. That helped my mood today, it is better than yesterday… besides that, well, I don’t guess I know anything…
As for my mood.. I’m not in a good mood or a bad mood, as I told r last night, I’m just kinda existing right now… I’m here… I don’t have much of anything to say.… that’s about it…. I know staying for the meeting last night would have really helped me out but…. That’s ok though… r had me talking and laughing last night…. That helped my mood today, it is better than yesterday… besides that, well, I don’t guess I know anything…
Monday, June 19, 2006
Monday (Again!)
It’s Monday, once again… not that it being Monday is a bad thing, I just wish it was about 2 Mondays from now…. Or at least one… vacation is coming up, the last day I’ll work will be june 30th… and then we’ll come back on july 10th…. I am so ready and looking forward to it… r is taking off that whole week too so we can just hang out and do whatever… I’m so excited that he’s going to be off too… the only downfall, I know that when Monday the 10th rolls around and it’s time to come back to work it’s going to be really hard… it was hard to come to work today… we had another exceptional weekend and I am just really missing him… and the kitties, even though they acted crazy all weekend long!! I know I’ve said it before but I don’t know how I could feel anymore love for him or how I could feel any closer to him but it keeps happening… I am so absolutely in love with him…. We just keep having these amazing times and talks… it’s amazing because I feel so comfortable with him and can tell him and talk to him about anything…. This is unconditional love and I am so lucky to feel this and to have someone feel this way about me…
This past week I didn’t write down/track anything I ate all week long…. In a way I feel guilty but then I keep asking myself, why should I feel guilty? I don’t know if it’s because my parents instilled in me a drive to never quit or because of what other people think…. Or maybe a combination of both… this past week I told myself, and r, repeatedly that I was going to weigh in and stay for the meeting tonight…. this morning I found myself not wanting to do anything… not wanting to go to work, to go weigh in tonight, or go to the meeting… I know that I will feel better after the meeting, I always do, it’s just the getting there that is a problem…. Maybe I should say, it’s making myself go that’s the problem!! This morning the scale said I lost, I’m not too worried about that though… if I can maintain and not gain I’ll be really happy!! i’m going to try to go tonight… I know people say that there is no such thing as trying… you either do or don’t…
Work called 3 times Friday night after I left… man, I feel guilty about that too… very guilty…. The first 2 times were because of my mistake…. Well, the 3rd one could be classified as my mistake too but…. I don’t know… that might have been one reason I was so dreading work this morning…. I didn’t notice that one of our guys didn’t get paid… well, he got a check, it just went to our other location, which is over 4 hours away… if I would have been paying attention I would have noticed that he didn’t get a check but I wasn’t… it’s really not that big of a deal, I just feel so bad…. Messing up people’s money really bothers me… I know that a lot of our guys live from paycheck to paycheck and they need what they are counting on…. my boss loaned him some money so like I said, it’s not really that big of a deal, but it’s still his money that I didn’t get here…
I didn’t realize until yesterday how many pills I’ve been taking lately… the pain pills I’m on because my body is physically addicted to them so I’m just going to wait until vacation and then get off of them… the other pills I take because of the pain pills… they help calm me down… yesterday though I was looking and realized that I need to cut back on the pill usage… I was going so good until my back started hurting me again…. my back is still hurting but to avoid being classified as a hypochondriac, I’ll blog it but not speak of it… I know, excuses excuses… I’m feeling super guilty today, like I have done something horribly wrong and I can’t think of anything that I have done to make me feel this way… I think pms is playing a big part in the way I feel today…. It’s either that or depression creeping back in…. I think I’m going to go with pms…. Well, the boss is here, more later…
This past week I didn’t write down/track anything I ate all week long…. In a way I feel guilty but then I keep asking myself, why should I feel guilty? I don’t know if it’s because my parents instilled in me a drive to never quit or because of what other people think…. Or maybe a combination of both… this past week I told myself, and r, repeatedly that I was going to weigh in and stay for the meeting tonight…. this morning I found myself not wanting to do anything… not wanting to go to work, to go weigh in tonight, or go to the meeting… I know that I will feel better after the meeting, I always do, it’s just the getting there that is a problem…. Maybe I should say, it’s making myself go that’s the problem!! This morning the scale said I lost, I’m not too worried about that though… if I can maintain and not gain I’ll be really happy!! i’m going to try to go tonight… I know people say that there is no such thing as trying… you either do or don’t…
Work called 3 times Friday night after I left… man, I feel guilty about that too… very guilty…. The first 2 times were because of my mistake…. Well, the 3rd one could be classified as my mistake too but…. I don’t know… that might have been one reason I was so dreading work this morning…. I didn’t notice that one of our guys didn’t get paid… well, he got a check, it just went to our other location, which is over 4 hours away… if I would have been paying attention I would have noticed that he didn’t get a check but I wasn’t… it’s really not that big of a deal, I just feel so bad…. Messing up people’s money really bothers me… I know that a lot of our guys live from paycheck to paycheck and they need what they are counting on…. my boss loaned him some money so like I said, it’s not really that big of a deal, but it’s still his money that I didn’t get here…
I didn’t realize until yesterday how many pills I’ve been taking lately… the pain pills I’m on because my body is physically addicted to them so I’m just going to wait until vacation and then get off of them… the other pills I take because of the pain pills… they help calm me down… yesterday though I was looking and realized that I need to cut back on the pill usage… I was going so good until my back started hurting me again…. my back is still hurting but to avoid being classified as a hypochondriac, I’ll blog it but not speak of it… I know, excuses excuses… I’m feeling super guilty today, like I have done something horribly wrong and I can’t think of anything that I have done to make me feel this way… I think pms is playing a big part in the way I feel today…. It’s either that or depression creeping back in…. I think I’m going to go with pms…. Well, the boss is here, more later…
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Growing Up
I’m not real sure how to start my blog today… there are so many different emotions that I’m feeling right now… love, confusion, sadness, and worry… I guess first would be my love for r… we celebrated our 3 year anniversary yesterday and it seems that lately things have just been getting better and better between us…. Not that things weren’t good before, they’re just getting better! unconditional love is so amazing… knowing that r loves me the way that I am and will love me makes me feel so good… it makes me love him even more… sometimes I feel like it’s impossible to love him even more than I already do… I hope that everyone can experience this kind of love in their life… it’s the most amazing thing in the world! That I’ve experienced so far anyways…
Mom called last night… I hadn’t talked to her in a while…. She called to tell me that grandma was coming into town with my aunt and uncle… they’ll be here from today until Monday morning early…. then they’ll go back to Tennessee… mom was calling to warn me that grandma was going to be staying at the house so that I wouldn’t be caught off guard… I appreciate that! I would have freaked out if I had called over there and hadn’t have known…. Mom told me that I didn’t have to come over if I didn’t want too… I do not want to see her… but in a way I feel bad about that… she’s just an old “stuck in her ways” person… but the way she treats daddy and his sister makes me so mad! I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this situation… I’m trying not to let it stress me out but it is… big time! Mom has a dr. appt. this morning… she gave me some news last night that worried me… poor momma… I feel for her… she’s a strong woman though….
in addition to this, my co-worker, stabbed me in the back... well, that's how i feel anyways... i got my job thru my best friend... her mom is a cpa and wmp is one of their clients... they were looking for a bookkeeper and i was looking to get away from cingular... yesterday my co-worker goes over to the cpa's office... he ends up complaining about her oldest daughter and i... my co-worker is the nosy one and i feel like he is trying to make me out to be a bad person... he is acting like i'm trying to be the nosy one though.... to me it's a big thing because he is basically saying that they're giving me info (and/or i'm asking) that he doesn't want me to know... it's about our bonuses... my opinion, i don't care who is getting what bonus... my boss has been running this business since he started it and it's been extremely successful... he will do what he feels he needs to do... i'm the one who actually submits the bonuses thru payroll so i'm not sure what his problem is but i think that he feels left out of the loop since the girls call me now and not him... i have no idea if this makes any sense or not but i am not happy with him doing this and am probably going to say something to my boss about it... my co-worker has no right to do that...
When I was little I didn’t think growing up was ever going to happen… it seemed like time just drug by… I remember being in 3rd grade and thinking, high school, what?!?! I’ll never be in high school!!! This year is my 10 year reunion… that is crazy… now that I’m older it seems like time just flies by… that there isn’t enough time in the day some days… hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I knew then what I know now… I think everyone does though…. growing up isn’t exactly what I thought it was going to be but then, I have no idea what I thought it was going to be like… all I can do is stay positive and know that everything happens for a reason…
Mom called last night… I hadn’t talked to her in a while…. She called to tell me that grandma was coming into town with my aunt and uncle… they’ll be here from today until Monday morning early…. then they’ll go back to Tennessee… mom was calling to warn me that grandma was going to be staying at the house so that I wouldn’t be caught off guard… I appreciate that! I would have freaked out if I had called over there and hadn’t have known…. Mom told me that I didn’t have to come over if I didn’t want too… I do not want to see her… but in a way I feel bad about that… she’s just an old “stuck in her ways” person… but the way she treats daddy and his sister makes me so mad! I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this situation… I’m trying not to let it stress me out but it is… big time! Mom has a dr. appt. this morning… she gave me some news last night that worried me… poor momma… I feel for her… she’s a strong woman though….
in addition to this, my co-worker, stabbed me in the back... well, that's how i feel anyways... i got my job thru my best friend... her mom is a cpa and wmp is one of their clients... they were looking for a bookkeeper and i was looking to get away from cingular... yesterday my co-worker goes over to the cpa's office... he ends up complaining about her oldest daughter and i... my co-worker is the nosy one and i feel like he is trying to make me out to be a bad person... he is acting like i'm trying to be the nosy one though.... to me it's a big thing because he is basically saying that they're giving me info (and/or i'm asking) that he doesn't want me to know... it's about our bonuses... my opinion, i don't care who is getting what bonus... my boss has been running this business since he started it and it's been extremely successful... he will do what he feels he needs to do... i'm the one who actually submits the bonuses thru payroll so i'm not sure what his problem is but i think that he feels left out of the loop since the girls call me now and not him... i have no idea if this makes any sense or not but i am not happy with him doing this and am probably going to say something to my boss about it... my co-worker has no right to do that...
When I was little I didn’t think growing up was ever going to happen… it seemed like time just drug by… I remember being in 3rd grade and thinking, high school, what?!?! I’ll never be in high school!!! This year is my 10 year reunion… that is crazy… now that I’m older it seems like time just flies by… that there isn’t enough time in the day some days… hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I knew then what I know now… I think everyone does though…. growing up isn’t exactly what I thought it was going to be but then, I have no idea what I thought it was going to be like… all I can do is stay positive and know that everything happens for a reason…
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Emotions
Where to start… I didn’t go to my meeting last night, I didn’t even go weigh in…. I feel so guilty about that too but I was thinking… why am I feeling guilty for not going? I don’t know… I’m not quitting, I’m just not trying so hard…. Is this ok? Is this why I feel guilty? I don’t know…. Monday turned out to be a good day though…. well, with the exception of me feeling guilty because I didn’t go to my meeting… and getting worked up right before I left work… I got all worked up because of r’s co-worker… I got home from work and it was so hot, I was so tired, and just really didn’t feel like going anywhere…. so I didn’t… this bothers me too… that I’m trying to justify this to myself… not going to the meeting… I don’t have to answer to anyone…
Tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary…. We don’t really have any plans, just hang out together… maybe go out to eat… we’ll just see how it turns out… we can always do something this weekend…
I just got off myspace and I am in a pretty foul mood… I’ve been talking about dealing with my emotions and being on myspace brings those emotions that I don’t want to deal with forward… ok, so identifying emotions… sad/hurt and angry…. Ok, let me rephrase that… sad/hurt makes me angry… now I realize that I’m angry because I’m feeling sad and hurt… this is what gets me though… these emotions have been repressed for about 12 years…. Maybe even longer… I think that if I would just deal with these emotions they wouldn’t bother my anymore… I don’t know how to go about dealing with them though… I’m not sure where to start…. I know the source of the pain… I just don’t know how to let it all go and not have it bother me anymore… DAMN!! What is my problem?!?!? I have no idea why/how I let myself get so worked up over what should be water under the bridge…. I have no idea if I’ve posted this or not… it’s been in my inbox for a while… I think this would be an excellent idea for me to try… I think it would be an excellent idea to try but it scares the hell out of me… I so do not want to go there at all…. There are so many things buried that I just want to leave buried and not have to deal with… I just want them to go away…. As r says, if you ignore whatever it is it’s not going to go away….
Throughout our lives, we may experience emotions that disturb or distress us. Often, our first reaction is to push our feelings away. We may say, "I don't want to think about that right now, I'll think about it later" and we bury our emotions, deny the validity of our feelings, or distract ourselves with other concerns. But the diverse emotions you experience are neither good nor bad-they are simply a part being human. Choosing not to experience pain, anger, or other intense feelings could cause those feelings to become buried deep into your physical body. There, they may linger unresolved and unable to emerge, even as they affect the way you experience the world. Allowing yourself to experience all of your emotions rather than push the more painful ones away can help you come to terms with your feelings so you can experience them and then move on. It is possible to bring forth the old feelings you have pushed aside and experience them in a safe and enriching way. It may sound silly to set aside time to feel your old wounds that you haven't dealt with, but this can be a very beneficial healing experience. Find a safe place and pick a time when you can be alone. Make sure that you feel secure and comfortable in your surroundings. Bring to mind the circumstances that originally triggered the emotions you've been pushing away. You may need to revisit these circumstances by reading relevant entries in your journal or using visualization to relive your past. Once you have triggered your long-denied emotions, let yourself feel your feelings, and try not to judge your reactions. Cry or sound your emotions if you need to, and don't block the flow of your feelings. Allow any thoughts that are connected to your emotions to surface. As you release the feelings you have pushed inside of you, you will find yourself healing from the experience associated with these emotions. When you deal with your feelings directly, they can move through you rather than staying stopped up in your body as emotional blocks that can sometimes turn into disease. Acknowledging your emotions, instead of pushing them away, allows you to stay emotionally healthy and in touch with your feelings.
Tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary…. We don’t really have any plans, just hang out together… maybe go out to eat… we’ll just see how it turns out… we can always do something this weekend…
I just got off myspace and I am in a pretty foul mood… I’ve been talking about dealing with my emotions and being on myspace brings those emotions that I don’t want to deal with forward… ok, so identifying emotions… sad/hurt and angry…. Ok, let me rephrase that… sad/hurt makes me angry… now I realize that I’m angry because I’m feeling sad and hurt… this is what gets me though… these emotions have been repressed for about 12 years…. Maybe even longer… I think that if I would just deal with these emotions they wouldn’t bother my anymore… I don’t know how to go about dealing with them though… I’m not sure where to start…. I know the source of the pain… I just don’t know how to let it all go and not have it bother me anymore… DAMN!! What is my problem?!?!? I have no idea why/how I let myself get so worked up over what should be water under the bridge…. I have no idea if I’ve posted this or not… it’s been in my inbox for a while… I think this would be an excellent idea for me to try… I think it would be an excellent idea to try but it scares the hell out of me… I so do not want to go there at all…. There are so many things buried that I just want to leave buried and not have to deal with… I just want them to go away…. As r says, if you ignore whatever it is it’s not going to go away….
Throughout our lives, we may experience emotions that disturb or distress us. Often, our first reaction is to push our feelings away. We may say, "I don't want to think about that right now, I'll think about it later" and we bury our emotions, deny the validity of our feelings, or distract ourselves with other concerns. But the diverse emotions you experience are neither good nor bad-they are simply a part being human. Choosing not to experience pain, anger, or other intense feelings could cause those feelings to become buried deep into your physical body. There, they may linger unresolved and unable to emerge, even as they affect the way you experience the world. Allowing yourself to experience all of your emotions rather than push the more painful ones away can help you come to terms with your feelings so you can experience them and then move on. It is possible to bring forth the old feelings you have pushed aside and experience them in a safe and enriching way. It may sound silly to set aside time to feel your old wounds that you haven't dealt with, but this can be a very beneficial healing experience. Find a safe place and pick a time when you can be alone. Make sure that you feel secure and comfortable in your surroundings. Bring to mind the circumstances that originally triggered the emotions you've been pushing away. You may need to revisit these circumstances by reading relevant entries in your journal or using visualization to relive your past. Once you have triggered your long-denied emotions, let yourself feel your feelings, and try not to judge your reactions. Cry or sound your emotions if you need to, and don't block the flow of your feelings. Allow any thoughts that are connected to your emotions to surface. As you release the feelings you have pushed inside of you, you will find yourself healing from the experience associated with these emotions. When you deal with your feelings directly, they can move through you rather than staying stopped up in your body as emotional blocks that can sometimes turn into disease. Acknowledging your emotions, instead of pushing them away, allows you to stay emotionally healthy and in touch with your feelings.
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