Honesty

i've been thinking all morning long.... thinking about where r and i are in life and how to allow life to manifest itself.... meaning, how can we make our thoughts our reality? i don't know...
i started this blog to allow myself a neutral place to vent, let my thoughts and emotions out, and just basically try to get everything out of my head... here i am now... sitting here and thinking about my blog earlier.... i was working and kept thinking, i wish i was busy today so my mind would quit thinking.... then i thought that it probably didn't matter how busy i was today, my mind would be on r and our current situation...
i guess i should start at the beginning.... r and i have been talking to two guys about buying a restaurant in a small town about 10 minutes away from where we live now... i would never even listen to an idea about a restaurant here... even some of the big name chain restaurants don't make it here.... our town is just too restaurant-infested.... up until this past tuesday we had no other details about the restaurant... we know that it's been there forever and everyone in town wants it to open again.... it's been closed for about 2 months... the previous "owner" ran it into the ground... r went and talked to them tuesday and then we both went out there saturday morning and talked to them.... everything that they said was excellent! the asking price, the montly payment... everything... the men that own the restaurant are so nice and kept saying that they are willing to work with us... they only want $20,000 down... that's really not bad at all... as far as businesses are concerned anyways... then we'll need some cash for start-up costs.... r and i have been super excited because he has always talked about owning his own restaurant.... i was so nervous this morning to call the banker... he's a friend of the family and we've known him forever... he said that without financials it's going to almost be impossible to get a business loan because no one is going to want to loan us the money not knowing that we will/or how we will be able to pay it back.... we don't have any financials though... we can't use the lady who they just repo'd it from... those are no good... there basically aren't any financials.... we would have to apply for a loan like a new business.... this crushes me though and i do not want to tell r this... i have absolutely no doubt that r and i could make this work... this is the one thing in my life i have been 110% sure of... we both know that it's going to be a lot of work at the beginning but we both know that together we can do it and it will be successful.... the problem, i don't know where to get the start-up cash or the down payment... if we had the money just laying around i'd be more than happy to use it but we don't.... i know i'm not supposed to but i'm taking this very personally... i feel like, if someone would just give us a chance, we could and would prove everyone wrong... i talked to mom about this on saturday to feel her out and see what she thought... i got the feeling that she doesn't think it's such a good idea and was more worried about me quitting weight watchers (if we did buy the restaurant) than she was about us buying the restaurant... it seems that people are so hung up on numbers and weight.... how much you weigh, how much you should weigh... not how happy you are or aren't... this bothers me because my happiness isn't dependent on my weight... it's dependent on my life and my life with r... it's not dependent on a number... any number for that matter.... several people have commented that it should be really easy to get a business loan for such a small amount of money.... after talking to the banker this morning i felt like a failure.... and i had only talked to one banker... he didn't even deny us... he just told us that most banks were going to be against us.... only because of the financials... it has nothing to do with how good our credit is... or how hard we've worked to get where we are today.... it's because we don't have any financials... (sorry, i'm getting pissed now... i think that's why i didn't really say much about it earlier... my feelings were already hurt and i didn't really want to discuss it.... too late now, it's out in the open and my emotions are on the surface....) my question is, how do people with no money start up their own businesses? we don't have anything to put up as collateral and i'm getting the feeling, from more than one person, that we shouldn't do this, it won't be successful... does no one care how r and i feel? does no one care that we know we can make it work? yes it will take time to build up our customer base but damn, that's all we have is time!!! and experience!! between the both of us i am 110% confident that we could make the cedar tree a successful business!! he has the know how to run a restaurant and i have the know how to keep the books... he's always worked in the food service industry and always will... why, personal reasons that are none of anyones business.... he doesn't feel appreciated at the job he's in now and i can't say that i blame him for wanting to better himself and his family... yes, there is a chance we could lose our asses but that's a chance we're both willing to take... if it wasn't going to work we both wouldn't be willing to chance it.... something would be telling one of us no... if it's meant to be it will all work out... how, i don't know at this point... all i can do is have faith....