Snow!!!

on thanksgiving i wore capris, flip flops, and a t-shirt... tuesday, jeans and flip flops, and a t-shirt... when i get up yesterday morning to go to work it was 66 and humid outside, it felt like spring... by noon the temperature had dropped into the 30s.... the high today was 27.... brrr rabbit, that is ccchhhooolllddd.... it snowed a little bit last night but not too much... today all it has done is snow... ah, i love the snow!!! probably because we never get any here!!! t let me leave early, he went out and scraped my windows for me... as i was leaving, it was snowing so hard and the snowflakes were so big!! it was so beautiful!!!

Updating

I’ve really been wanting to blog lately (I have a whole list of stuff to blog about) but I just really haven’t felt like doing it… the time and energy it would take have been too much lately… I’ve just been really tired- not sleeping good at all… been having nightmares… and really stressed… stressing over the restaurant and the holidays… my back has been hurting extremely bad… the last 2 cortisone shots that I got for my herniated disc helped for about a year and a half (it took me a year and a half to pay them off too- with insurance)… if I’m going to need to get another one I’d like to do it before the year is over since I’ve met my deductible… that’s probably another source of the attitude problem, the pain…
ah, the stress.. the past month I’ve pretty much been living on pills… not just the “every-day” ones either… also the “take as needed” for pain and stress… as much as I hate to say this and as bad as it is going to sound, luckily I have had the pills… as far as I’m concerned, they’ve been holding me together, well, as much as they can… I’ve been so stressed lately that I am making myself sick… literally… I am always throwing up… here’s what webmd said about stress and constant tummy trouble… (no, I’m positive I’m not pregnant- although my cousin announced at Thanksgiving she is): getting sick in the morning... Stress, nervousness, or a mental health problem, such as depression or an anxiety disorder. Well duh, I’ve got all those… give me something I don’t know…
The restaurant… our competition was closed Thursday thru Monday and then one restaurant didn’t open until today… r and I thought we were going to be slammed!! We were ready for it too… nope, we were dead… both Friday and Saturday… I understand that Christmas is coming up and people aren’t spending money eating out… I can so relate to that… but on the “selfish” side- dang we need the money, come on in, make yourself at home, and have something to eat!!
On a positive cute note though… the kitties have been so adorable lately… mazzy has been really needy attention-wise and that’s ok with me… she’s really getting to be a lap cat and I am loving that too!! when mazzy was little she would play “the shower curtain game”… now her and murph are both playing it… when you’re in the shower they like to come and sit in between the shower curtain and liner and keep you company while you shower… paw and bat at you a little… stick their head in to see what’s going on… it’s so cute!! on occasion, I guess when one thinks their little paws are dirty, when I get out of the shower one will jump in and just kinda walk around…
The other day, r told me that our morning waitress asked me how much I would charge her to make her a flag like I put up at the restaurant!! That is awesome!! The only thing is, the metal was free from my boss, and we are so super busy and I really don’t want to ask him about it right now… I think that’s awesome though!! momma and I went up to the restaurant Saturday and put up a few Christmas decorations… Friday night I went over to momma’s house and used glitter pens to put everyone’s name on a stocking… we got those hung Saturday… some of the girls up there wanted to decorate so I thought I’d let them … I have some flowers that I want to change out but other than that, they can go to town….
The long Thanksgiving holiday… it was so nice… being off so long just really makes it hard for me to go back to work… In high school I remember one year laying awake in bed bawling myself to sleep because I had to go back after the break… anyways, back to this year… I was super productive.. Thursday was thanksgiving… we did the whole family thing… Friday I cleaned the house… super clean!! I washed the curtains in the bedroom, cleaned the ceiling fans, and actually moved stuff to dust, not just dusting around it… I got the Christmas decorations put out too… the only thing that I didn’t get done that I would have liked too was to wash the curtains in the living room… the window is so big though that I can’t get them down and re-hang them by myself… oh well, some other time….
Ending my blog on a positive note makes me feel better… I should try that more often… I’m going to try to remember to do that… for every negative thought I should have a positive one to follow it with… that is my new “goal”…

These came in several different emails yesterday… very true and what I needed to hear…
Food for Thought:
When does a lie become an accepted truth? When the lie is repeated often enough.

MY BELIEFS ARE MY EVERYTHING
You see..... your beliefs are thoughts & ideas you've heard over, and over, and over again until they become ingrained in your subconscious mind.... and then they become something you no longer question. In other words.....when you no longer question any thought or idea.... that thought or idea becomes another one of your beliefs. And some of your beliefs are in full & total resonance & harmony with the core of your soul.... yet many others are actually beliefs of others.... adopted as your own. Since your beliefs control your life.... don't be afraid to change them. How might your life be different if you changed your thinking to only no-limit beliefs from this moment forward? Think about that one a minute… and then.....JUST DO IT!

Run and Hide

That is what I want to do… you would think since I just had 4 days off I would be in a really good mood… don’t get me wrong, I loved having the days off but I hate coming back to work… I wish I could just take off and not come back…
This past month (I know it’s been at least a month) or so has been hell on my emotions… my emotions have been like a rollercoaster… up and down… up and down… done circles and then the bottom drops out… at least that’s how I feel… bruised, battered, and beaten… I realize that I am having myself a pity party but dammit, for the most part I’ve been down for the past month and I’m so tired of it… I called my psychiatrist today to see if I could get in earlier than January 16th… I go next Monday… but if it’s anything like my visits usually are, I’ll be in great spirits by then… that’s what usually happens… I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens between now and then… of course though, calling to see if I can get in early I break down on the phone with the receptionist… that in and of itself makes me feel like a moron… there’s a whole lot more for me to blog, I just don’t have the energy (or motivation) to do it right now…

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!
there are some things that i have recently started to understand about life... more on others later but for now, what i'm really starting to understand about thanksgiving... like i said, i'm really starting to realize, i guess you could say, "the true meaning"... anyways, i found this and liked it... very true....

Be Thankful
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.If you did, what would there be to look forward to?Be thankful when you don't know something,for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.Be thankful for your limitations,because they give you opportunities for improvement.Be thankful for each new challenge,because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.Be thankful when you're tired and weary,because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.A life of rich fulfillment comes to those whoare also thankful for the setbacks.Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,and they can become your blessings.

Looking Up

i was in a pretty nasty mood most of the day... it did start to get better towards the end of work though... at least i only have to work 2 more days this week!! as far as r goes... i really don't think that's he all that mad at me... i think most of it is just frustration and he's just taking it out on me... i can't say anything though... i do the same thing... i am going to start working on the numbers though to see where we're at and what we can do to make things better... like i've been saying, i know the restaurant can succeed... it's just going to take some time and effort... i do have faith in us though...

The Weekend

it seems that some people have the innate ability to hurt you... to say mean hurtful things and most of the time not give it a second thought... here is an email between my mother-in-law and myself regarding the flag for the restaurant...

me: hey everyone... this is a pic of the finished project of the flag up at the cedar tree!! i am so excited that it fit seeing as how i did the measuring and on occasion my measuring skills aren't so good!!
mother-in-law's reply: My step-father-in-law said to tell you it is "Awesome", nice job. Texas flag, who could argue with that?

That window was a eyesore, now it has appeal.

i'm not sure if i was just taking her email the wrong way or what but it really hurt my feelings... we're doing the best we can with the restaurant and i'm sorry if we didn't have the funds to fix it all up right away... an "eyesore"... that made me feel like our restaurant is a dive... it's not a 5 star restaurant, it's just your basic small town cafe but i'm really proud of it and what we've done with it so far!! we're working really hard to fix it up and take care of all the problems but it just takes time (and money)...

i sure hope that last night and this morning so-far are not signs of how my "short" week is going to go... i've already been griped out by my boss (for rrll's mistakes) twice this morning... last night i told r that momma and daddy had loaned us some money to help us out... catch 22- i knew i had to tell him but at the same time i didn't want too because i knew how he was going to react... he was so mean... some of the things that came out of his mouth really surprised me... and most of them were directed towards me... it really really hurt my feelings... i didn't say anything though... he would barely talk to me... then he asked if we still have the money that his mom had given us to put the coke machine in... i didn't reply and he asked again... i told him no, i had to use it to pay bills (for the restaurant) and that really set him off... more ugliness and nastiness from him... he kept saying, if i had some numbers to look at i'd know where the problem areas were and what i needed to fix... (basically i felt like he was blaming it on me- that i wasn't doing my job)... i asked him before he quit his job if he would get me a copy of all the paperwork that they used- what numbers they gave him, basically how they did things so that i could use the same format... trying to make it easier on him... he never brought me the papers and kept saying, we're not going to be able to use everything they use... i kept saying that i was just going to take what i could use and from there work something us for us... i don't really understand what he wants from me... i know i can figure whatever numbers he wants but first i have to understand what numbers he needs to see... i told him that i would come up with the money that i spent from his mom for the coke machine (i feel like this is all my fault even though it's not really)... i have no idea how i'm going to do this, i guess i'll just start selling everything on ebay... he was still mad at me this morning when he left for work... i guess tonight i'm going to say something to him about me maybe waiting tables out there a couple of days a week... i'm already in the doghouse, i don't think he could probably get much more mad at me... i didn't tell him that we're already back in the hole where we were before momma and daddy loaned us that money... i had even allowed enough money to pay some bills too but that didn't work out...
this weekend was such a good weekend too!! our most excellent friends boo & kb came into town.... it's so good to get to see them and hang out with them...
i sure feel like i can't do anything right... at least not right now... i know, positive thoughts- it's just really hard when the whole world is mad at you, at least that's how i'm taking it... it's really hard to be optimistic when your husband is so pessimistic... i just want to run away or hide under my bed... at least i had 4 days of happiness this past week...
life goes on though...

Sad or Excited?!?!

today is the last nascar race for 91 days!! that makes me sad because well, today is the last race for 3 months.. but then, it's only 3 months.. that's not bad! we also get to find out who wins the chase today!! YEAH!! i can't wait!! it's going to be a really good race!! go carl go!!

Success!

YEAH!!! the "hanging of the flag" was a success!! it went just the way i hoped it would go!! it didn't take very long at all!! i was so impressed... and it looks SO good!! i really like it!! boo and kb came down this weekend! i am so glad! it is always good to hang out with them!!! we always have a good time!! boo helped me with the flag... we close at 2 and we had to wait a few minutes because there were still customers in there... we got started shortly after 2 and we were done by 2:25!! boo and i did a little "prep" work out back before we closed though... cut some wood blocks and drilled holes in the flag... i hate it that my pics are blurry... i think i might need to invest in a new camera sometime.... at least a newer camera sometime...

Working on It

blogging last night and getting it off my chest made me feel better (along with a xanax)... i don't think i realized that i had that much junk built up inside me... like kb said, one day at a time... that's all i can do... plus, knowing that the universe will not give me more than i can handle (i have to know and believe that- sometimes it's so hard though!!) reassures me too... i think that is the one belief that i really honestly know (even though i do doubt it on occasion, though i try not too)... i have to have faith in r and i... i really do, but like i said before, it's just so hard to really trust in that sometimes... i have too though... i am really working on being positive today and not getting pissed off... i had to "talk myself" out of being pissed when i first got to work... i'm ok though... everything happens for a reason and i just have to keep reminding myself of that... knowing that i have friends and family that care for me makes it easier to deal with...

momma sent me this email and i keep re-reading it... i really like it and keep trying to ingrain it into my head...

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood." Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life. "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life." I reflected on what he said. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I Don't Understand

i feel like i'm going crazy in my head... like things are spiraling out of control and i can't do anything about it... none of it... i know i can but this is how i feel right now.... i have no control... i don't understand though... r and i are doing everything right that we know how to do, the restaurant is running good numbers, and we are making more money each month than we are paying out... so, why do we have no money?? none!!! i really don't get this... i can account for every single penny!! we are way in the hole... and i don't know what do do?!? what am i doing wrong??
i get home tonight and am looking thru the mail... hhmm, something from txu... it's a disconnect notice saying if we don't pay the restaurant bill by the 28th they are going to shut the electricity off... it was due on the 10th and i mailed it on the 2nd... i call the 800# that they give me and all can i get is a voice automated "woman".... every time i say "agent" like she says to0, i am disconnected... by this time i am really getting worried... i finally manage to "mess up" bad enough on the automated part that they connect me with an agent... the guy said, no, your payment hasn't been received yet but sometimes it takes 7 to 10 days for us to receive and process your payment... even though there is no benefit to being mad, i am... maybe you should hire more people or whatever to "process the payments faster"... i have not had one electric bill under $1000 yet and they're telling me they can't process the payment faster?!? bullsh!t they can't!!!
this is just the perfect end to a what has been perfect two weeks... or how ever long it's been that i've been in a bad mood... i have been taking everything so personally and to heart lately... i feel like i've been carrying the weight of the world around.... it's like it just hit me... i have so much to do and there is so not enough time for me to get everything done... i have some things i need to do around the house but they are outside and by the time i get home from work it's dark... another added "bonus", i have no help... not that i have to have help with everything but it's like, it's always just me... and there are some things that i can't do all by myself... on the flip side, it's ok for t's grandson to take the day off to go hunting... that's acceptable but me taking off to take care of some crap around the house that most men have to take care of is unacceptable... even though t is always how everything is going... he knows our situation... thanks for caring!
ah, another "sore" spot... j is t's grandson... he started working there and is going to take over t's job... well, as i understand it... i can't really tell if he's "being groomed" to take over t's or rrll's position... if it is for rrll, my feelings are going to be very hurt... i know that there is nothing that i can do except accept it and move on... i'll cross that bridge when we get there... but, j has gotten all new "stuff".... t cleaned out the old fax room (the fax machine plus the old crap).... so now it's his office, not the fax room... now we have the file/fax room... and j's office... t buys j a brand new laptop, 2 printers- 1 for the home (that he just built for them) and 1 for the office.. brand new 10 key... gets him a bulletin board so that j can hang pics of his twins up (so that i'll see how cute they are and want to have kids- that's what t says)...
rrll went and picked out a new phone system (which was why i was so pissed at the end of last week) and that has been nothing but a major disaster... and since it was "his" project then he should have to deal with it whenever the phone guys come out (which has been everyday since friday... they'll be back tomorrow, and then at the beginning of next week) i have to deal with them... he just sits in his office... someone asked him if we had been busy today and he said, nah, not really, it's just a typical wednesday.... get payroll processed, pay some bills, wrap up some loose ends (he does NONE of this!!!) courtney has really been the only one working today... then he laughs and goes back in his office... the other day he took the church deposit to the bank but wouldn't take the business deposit... i asked him if he had my receipt and he said, oh, i just took the church deposit, i was going to let j take the business one... must be nice to do nothing except for your church crap!! (and make damn good money for it!!)
i've been thinking about our finances a lot lately... wondering how and why they seem to be in the situation they are in... we're making money, i just don't understand where it's going?!? kb said she has got some stuff listed on ebay... i need to do that, badly!! i just don't know where to start- like, with what to list... i've got a whole ton of stuff i could get rid of... i've also been thinking about talking to r about me maybe waiting tables out at the restaurant or something... getting a part-time job? i really don't want too but if that's what i have to do then that's what i have to do... i don't want to say anything to r though because he'll freak out... anytime i say something about money he automatically thinks the absolute worse... and won't let it go...
i just had to get all this off my chest and get it out... it's been eating me up inside now and it just keeps growing... i can only imagine that is where my anger and bad attitude has been coming from lately... i am way too stressed... i know i allow myself to get stressed and it's my choice to let things stress me out but sometimes i think it just gets to that point... like, no more!!

Good News

i got some good news this morning... i called the texas workforce commission about our ex-head waitress that filed for unemployment and they have denied her... they ruled in our favor!! YEAH!!! i am so happy... now i have to call on her request for food stamps and gov't help... don't get me wrong, i am all in favor of helping those who are in need but just because someone doesn't want to work (they chose not too) i don't think that we should have to help them because they are lazy (or druggies in her case!)... anyways, i just had to blog the good news about her unemployment!! that makes my day happier!! i did a little yoga last night and it made me feel better... i think i am going to try to put together my own yoga routine...

Not Again

i'm sitting here on the couch when i should be out in the garage touching up my flag... at this point in time i do not care about the flag... saturday one of my friends called me and said that she was going to do the metabolic diet... i'm not exactly sure what it is... all i know is that it's kinda expensive... well, depending on how you look at it anyways... to me, it's expensive... one reason i didn't go back to weight watchers was because it was $12 a week and i wanted to save money because of the restaurant... anyways, when i got the call on saturday it upset me... it sounds stupid i know but it upset me... i'm not sure if it's because i finally lost weight so that i'm "closer" to their weight (i know, i shouldn't even be worried about it except that i've always been the biggest one)... i know, i shouldn't worry about that either, they love and accept me the way i am, otherwise we wouldn't still be friends... so, why does this upset me? i know i should be happy and proud for them... wishing them success and luck along with any support that they might need... i feel like such a horrible friend for even thinking this... it's really bothering me and my anxiety is like sky high right now but i'm not sure what to do... maybe i should go out in the garage and paint...

YEAH!!

i finally got all my music over to my laptop and onto my ipod... the desktop can be cleaned up and re-formatted whenever... and both hard drives can be re-formatted, unlike the past million times... i am ready for walmart tonight... get my ipod on and i'm ready to go... it's really nice being in your own little world in the store... it keeps me calm, which is always a good thing!! hopefully my plan for tonight will go a little like this... go to the dollar tree (maybe?), walmart, and then to the house... depending on what time it is, i would really like to try to get all the touch-ups done on the flag... really the red is the only part i'm going to worry about.. especially since i'm antiquing it... that way it'll look even older! hehe!
13 more minutes til i get to go run my errands... we'll see how i do tonight with my "schedule"...

Bad Momma

i am such a bad momma and didn't realize it until last night... i was going thru picture albums so i could change out my pics at work and realized that i do not have a single picture of murph printed out!! we've had him for over a year!! almost a year and a half and not one single picture printed out!! poor little murphy!!!

"Characters"

instead of reminding/telling everyone who i'm posting about in my blog i decided to include a list of "characters" that i usually "sneak" into my blog somehow...

The Weekend

all in all the weekend was really good... i did some yoga on saturday morning... relaxed saturday afternoon and sunday... i got everything done that i needed to do on saturday afternoon/evening so i just relaxed on sunday... i've got to go to the store tonight after work but i would really like to try to finish painting the flag so that i can antique it... i would really like to get it hung this weekend... it seems i've been dragging it out forever! i would also like to get the leaves in the back yard picked up before it rains or something... they are everywhere!! plus, i don't know if the "backyard" kitties like the leaves or not.. it makes it harder to sneak up on the others... one more reason, the leaves won't get tracked into and all over the house... that might be a little challenge though because by the time i get home it's getting dark... maybe this weekend... we'll see...
poor r, i felt bad for him this weekend... he's been feeling bad, his throat and ears have been hurting... i think the flu shot might have made him feel worse... the flu shot was kinda harsh this year... several people felt lousy on thursday and friday... my boss pays for any employee who wants to get one and then the office people's spouses... it's really nice of him... preventive maintenance is the best kind... he was feeling so bad sunday when he woke up that i took him out to clinic care... they gave him some antibiotics so i stopped on the way back home and got them filled for him... i can only imagine how bad he was feeling since he went to the dr...
i'm excited- i get to go see mary this friday for an hour massage!!! the friday before thanksgiving... that will be nice!! my goal is to do yoga at least 2 times this week but hopefully 3 (before i go see mary!)...
on a really positive note though... this is the last "full" week we work before thanksgiving!! actually, it's the last full week we'll work in november... after that we only have 4 more weeks until our winter vacation... YEAH!!! that's something to look forward too!! i just hope the weather starts acting like it's this time of year... it's so hard for me to get into the holiday spirit when it's in the 60's or 70's...
one more thing... the growth on my wrist... well, it kept growing and growing... it looked kinda like a volcano... the top of it was kinda turning black... oh yuck!!! r and i were talking yesterday and i was examining it and was thinking about lancing it open.... for some gross reason i wanted to see what was inside... i thought it might be less painful to have r smash it though.... he got a lid from a wooden box that daddy had made me and an old belt for me to bite on... i was so nervous i threw up... me being so nervous made him nervous... it might have been kinda funny to be an observer... maybe! ok, so he hits it... really lightly... i was like, um, you're going to have to hit harder than that... he hit it a few more times and i kept mashing on it in between the hits... (it wasn't as bad as this probably sounds- he wasn't beating me!) it hurt so bad but it hurt to even just lightly put pressure on it so i wasn't too surprised that it hurt so bad! the last time i was mashing on it i felt it burst... that almost made me throw up... feeling whatever was inside it oozing out... oh yuck!! r "massaged" it out with his thumb for me because there was no way i could/would do it... we watched it just disappear... the spot on my wrist is still sensitive but not near as bad as it was... it's gone for now though... yes!!

Hhhhhmmmmm.....

yesterday was a BAD day! i was so excited that it was friday when i woke up but that only lasted until i got to work... anyways, i'm not even going to go there because i decided that today i was going to be in a good mood (even though my ears & throat hurt and i can't quit blowing my nose!) north texas weather is crazy... it was 85 like thursday this week and then like 60 yesterday... i can't imagine why everyone is feeling like crap... back to work, long long story short, i was so pissed at rrll yesterday.... i mean hot! i haven't drank since probably new years and i found myself staring at the wine yesterday in the grocery store after work... i didn't buy anything because i've had a bottle of wine in the fridge for a while... didn't end up getting into it though... i sat around and watched csi... i'm not sure if it was my mood last night or what but i was getting pissed at csi... i was like, this is so stupid, fake, and unpredictable... i think i might be moving out of the csi phase, even though it was pretty short lived... i'm finding that more and more tv really has nothing to offer me (i would be so much more productive if i would not watch tv- or so much of it)... and i keep thinking, what you put in is what comes out... yesterday i was feeding my anger and rage... no more though... i have to get out of the funk that i've been in for over the past week...
i worked on my texas flag last night and then took the tape off today (where i had to touch up)... DANG!!! the tape took off some of the red paint.. ok, the tx flag only has 3 colors!!! my metal was white so i was only dealing with 2!!! should this really be that hard?!?! come on now! i'm going to try a brush to see if maybe that will work... it really looks like it's going to end up being antiqued... not a problem i'm just not sure how to go about this though... i've antiqued before but i think i'm just scared because this is going in a public place (our restaurant) and i guess i think people will be judging it... come on!! i am stressing over this way too much!!
i'm waiting on the NASCAR Busch race to come on... like i said, nothing on tv... waiting for r to get home... (he's bringing me a chicken fried steak sandwich!! yes!!!).... i guess i might go out and clear coat the flag before i antique it... dunno though, i'm going to call momma and see what she thinks (her and daddy are SO dang crafty and talented!!) anyways, bored... i've got a ton of things to do but no desire to do them....
oh yeah... monday i got my new yoga dvd in... all week long i kept telling myself that i was going to try it out... so i finally did this morning... it was ok... i wasn't as impressed as i was hoping to be (once again, i'm not sure if it's just my attitude or what)... i'd really like to put together my own yoga routine but i don't do it enough right now... one more thing to add to the list to work on...

Fireworks

i cleaned the house tonight and i'm sitting here watching csi: miami... i know- bad in, bad out... anyways, i hear this noise and i'm like what was that? i hear it again and again so i mute the tv and finally figured out that someone was setting off fireworks, the BIG ones!! the city set off fireworks this year (or the base?) for the 4th... (we didn't have any fireworks in 2005)... my first thought when i hear fireworks is this memory (it always is)... when i was little the city used to set off fireworks at the mall (now at the base) and we lived like 2 minutes (maybe) from the mall... we eithered watched from momma & daddy's roof or from the "neighborhood" pool (it was kinda like a community pool you had to join.. i loved it there!! i am a water baby!!!) anyways, back to the fireworks... they set them off right over us... the fireworks were so big and beautiful... i would sit there mesmerized and in awe... it was like they were right on top of you.. this is one of the best memories i have of growing up... it was like, during those 30 minutes you had nothing else to do or think about... you just sat there and watched this amazing show that is being put on for you... i haven't seen fireworks like that since i was little... i would love to see a show like that again...

New Blog

so i decided yesterday to just create a new blog (was it only yesterday or am i confused?!) where i can keep my "lists" about me, various random emails that i want to share, and things about me... i guess things that might take up a lot of room in my blog.... i dunno why i really care about taking up a lot of room in my blog... i guess i just don't want to scare anyone who might be coming over to check my blog out away because it seems that i always write novels... you can also find me here:
http://courtneyincontrol2.blogspot.com

Various Thoughts

i finally got payroll done so that i can satiate my need for blogs and blogging.. i have to get my "fix"... dang... in the mornings i find myself not minding getting to work so early because that means that i have just a little more time to find out what's going on with others... is there a "bloggers anonymous" i could possibly join?!? (that's kinda funny... i'm still giggling)
i have been having really bad cycles (mood swings) lately... not sure if it's the hormones since my "visitor" is here or if i'm just having a hard time dealing with things... hopefully it's the hormones since the dr. and i just got my meds adjusted to where they seem to be working... r and i had a really long talk about that the other night... he's not a big "believer" in emotional problems... he's one of those who says, just pull yourself out of it... i believe for some people that is not as easy as it sounds... maybe i just believe that so that i feel better about staying depressed sometimes... or maybe i "like" to be depressed because that seems to be how i've been pretty much my whole life (or how i remember things)... i guess that's my comfort zone, as nuts as that probably sounds... working on changing my attitude towards my depression has been and is still a challenge for me... it seems when i get depressed that my anger really starts to show... example- my co-worker, rrll, if i could poke his eyes out i would... but they say that the characteristics that you despise in others is because you despise them in yourself... ok, as much as i hate to admit this, it is true... for some things... guess that's something else to add to the list to work on... :)
last night i was working on transferring everything that's on the desktop hard drive over to the laptop... i think i've about killed "my" hard drive on the desktop... poor thing... it's been around forever!! anyways, on my to-do list has been to transfer all my files and my music... i'd already cleaned up my files and transferred them over... it took less than 20 minutes to tranfer them... i decided just to transfer all my music over and then i'd go thru it and clean it up.... so, i started to transfer my music... the estimated time was 211 minutes to get all of it transferred.... dang!! i've only been downloading music onto the same hard drive for about 8 years now... which is the main reason i've been putting off cleaning it up... i tried to transfer all the files at once but "the network was no longer available" after some time.... so i tried to transfer smaller files (sub-categories of my music) over... same story... after trying about 3 times and wasting several hours i gave up and decided to go back to reading my fiction murder mystery... i am going to try to work on transferring again tonight or tomorrow... but, i did find hella good music on there that i hadn't listened to in eons... i love that! it's like finding old pics or cards... for me, like smells, music brings back memories...
ah hah- i knew there was something extremely "important" that i was going to blog about... my reading this murder mystery fiction novel... i used to read fiction books all the time, i especially love(d) true crime books... ann rule kicks some butt!!! i learned though that what you put into your body is what comes out... so i was putting all this anger, violence, and basically nastiness into my body and it was what i was kicking back out... i noticed that when my co-worker would piss me off i would start thinking about the true crime books i had read... so bad i know!!! shortly after talking to a friend, i started reading non-fiction books... self help, learning books... positive things... books that show you how to become a "better" person... not better than anyone else, just better than you used to be... my attitude started to change... (hindsight is 20/20 you know)... i didn't really put 2 and 2 together until i started blogging about my depression and anger earlier... i've been reading that book and it's violent and is filled with rage and i think that may have affected my attitude... i'm wondering now if it would be possible for me to conduct an "experiment" on myself to test this out... i think i might not be a good subject though because in my mind i would know that i am testing myself... hhmm... i'll have to think on that... i'm also pretty sure that the next time my newspaper comes up for renewal i'll probably not subscribe... it's only filled with bad negative things... it seems you hardly ever see anything positive in the newspaper... one of the only reasons i read the paper is to see who died and who got arrested... a waste of money? i'm thinking so....
all in all though, i think things are going ok... not really good, not really bad.. just kinda existing...

Election Day

i have a question... do you vote? i'm not asking who you vote for, only if you vote... me, i've only voted once in the 10 years i've been old enough to vote... to be honest, i'm not big into politics... my best friend though, she is political... she can tell you almost anything that you need to know about politics... up until the other night i didn't even know who the governor of Texas was... sad?! maybe so... i know that i really should pay more attention and vote because it does make a difference... i was going to see if i could find some info today on who's running so that maybe i could go vote and make an informed decision... i would rather not vote because i have no idea what's going on than go vote (just to say i did) and make some crazy choice... maybe i'll vote today...

Dilemma

so, i'm having a dilemma... i have borrowed 100 things about me list from kilax : http://www.ilaxstudio.com/ (sorry, i'm working on linking... i'm still blogging challenged!).... i would really like to post it somewhere in my blog but not in my blog... a list of 100 would be LONG... so i was thinking about linking it to another page or something but as you can see, i'm still challenged in this area... i have a blog set up on msn livespaces but i'm not sure that i want to post stuff there... i kinda like the anonymity of blogspot... i guess what i'm trying to say without saying it is i don't want the "wrong" people to see this... it's my personal space where i can speak as i chose too... for some people i don't mind at all... for others, i would really rather them not see this... i know, i probably shouldn't be blogging all this then... so, i'm trying to decide where to go from here... try to create a link page or just use my msn live spaces blog... decisions, decisions...

Catch Up

Yesterday I was kinda bored during the NASCAR race so I got online and was thinking, I sure would like to blog… the only problem, I couldn’t think of anything that I “needed” to blog… until this morning and then it all hit me at once… let me apologize before I get started… sorry if this is really long…
Thursday and Friday my anger/rage came back… not as bad as it used to be but I wasn’t all calm, cool, and collected like I have been really working on being… I was one hot tamale… dang!! Friday my boss even pissed me off and that never happens… I realized right then that I had a really bad attitude… I really honestly think it was pms… sometimes it doesn’t affect me and other times, watch out, I am a complete monster! i dealt with the anger the best I could and knew that it would eventually subside… luckily it did…
I had a really productive weekend… way more productive than the past few have been… the restaurant has a “built-in” shelf thing (I kinda consider it a hole in the wall but not really a hole) in the smoking section and r and I have been trying to think of what to do with it… I thought about using it for seasonal decorations but decided against that because then I’d have to go shopping and I hate to shop! For clothes, food, pretty much anything… (which is exactly why I’m still wearing the clothes that I had (and had been given) while I was losing weight… 49.5lbs down and my clothes are huge… I figure I’ll get around to shopping one day)… ok, back to the hole in the wall… I decided that I would get a piece of corrugated sheet metal (tin, whatever- the metal with the ridges on it) and then paint a Texas flag on it… my boss had one of our foreman cut me a piece of metal (by my measurements- uh oh- and I haven’t checked to see if it fits yet!!) and this weekend I painted it… it looks really good and I am really proud of myself… there is just one little thing I need to touch up… I was so excited about working on it that I guess I didn’t let the blue paint dry long enough and when I pulled the tape off after painting the red it pulled the blue paint under the tape off too… oops! That can be easily fixed though… I need to stop by the store and get a clear coat too… I’m also going to antique it… I’m really excited about my little “crafting” project… I miss crafting and I think that would be an excellent hobby for me to take up again… I’ve got my fingers crossed that the flag fits though… hehe
Yesterday was the perfect Sunday… cool, cloudy, and then rainy… it was a nice do- nothing day… I did get my new file box set up for the restaurant though… that’s been on my to-do list for over a month and it felt really good to scratch it off… I love lists! I have lists for everything!! I actually got to scratch off a lot on my to-do list this weekend!! yes, there is still stuff on there but not near as much…
R’s phone rang at 5 this morning… you can pretty much guess that it’s not good news when the phone rings that early… it was our morning cook… there was no electricity at the restaurant… most excellent… I get up, call the electric company while he’s on the phone with the cook and they say it should be restored within 2 hours… not good since we open at 6 but better than it could have been… about 6:30 the power was back on… not too bad (a transformer or something blew)… we were just kinda worried because the first Monday of each month the non-smoking section is reserved for a meeting and they usually start arriving around 7:30… I haven’t heard from r yet, a good sign! Since I have started “knowing”, one of those you just know things, that the restaurant is going to succeed and is going to kick ass our numbers have been so good! This puts r in a good mood… which in turn, puts me in a good mood! He told me Wednesday night that one of our competitors- Harvey’s- (I think there’s only really 3) had quit serving breakfast… at r’s old job every single morning him & whoever else was working ate breakfast at harvey’s… are we putting a hurting on them? It kinda makes me feel bad to say that but, I guess business is business… that’s just more for us…
This morning I got to work and my mood was so-so… not good, not bad… I guess you could say it could go either way depending on what happened… as usual, my co-worker is in a foul mood… really thinking about it though, I can’t say I blame him… I think he feels like he’s being “pushed out” of his job (he’s old enough to retire- Dang, I want to retire early!! I’d have already hit the door running!! But that’s just me… -and has been here for 33 years!!), he kinda is though, because as Stephen King says in the Dark Tower series, the world has moved on… (I still have to use a typewriter at work- when I started here in 2004 there was not a single computer here)… this is not the “old days” and things aren’t “the same as they used to be” back in the “old days”.. daddy told me that you have to be able to change and bend with the world and the changes that come along with it otherwise you’ll end up hating the world because it has moved on and you haven’t (accepted the changes)… like I said, it makes me feel bad for him but at the same time, take a damn hint! The boss never really “talks” to him, only gripes him out….
Anyways, enough for now… I’m off to work for a bit… I’m sure I’ll be back soon though…

Ah....

Ah, the sweet bliss of an hour massage… I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, neck, and back… I feel so much better and relaxed!! YEAH!!

The past couple of days I’ve been working on making a list of what I want to develop in my life…. Here is my partially completed list in no particular order… I haven’t gotten into very deep thought about what I will manifest in my life but I do have mental pictures of most of them…
- to be debt free and have no financial worries- abundant finances
- for the cedar tree to be as successful as we know it can be!
- for r not to have to be at the cedar tree 24/7….
- to buy a house in or around iowa park
- for r to turbo the civic (his project car)
- to continue to learn, grow, and become/stay positive
- to be able to give back as i have received
- for r and I to be able to retire early
- ever since i fell in love with kitties i've wanted to open my own safe haven for kitties... i would love to build a house with a little bit of land (around iowa park- r and i have talked about this)and build a little house for kitties... have a kitty door that way any kitties could come inside- or go out, get warm, and have fresh food & water... in my mind i have the haven invisioned as having carpeted walls with shelves/steps all over the place so that they could climb, sit, do whatever they want to do... lots of toys... basically a safe haven for kitties who have been abandoned... (it probably sounds a little crazy but if i could do anything that would be it!) this is my dream!
- for r and I to be happy, healthy, and successful

can you believe that it’s already November?!?! I am having a hard time believing that… it seems like it was just 4th of july vacation… work closes the week of the 4th of july and then the day before Christmas eve thru new years day… the boss just shuts everything down… we’re also closed on the “major” holidays… I must say that it’s really nice!! It is a little hectic when you get back and you’ve been closed for a week or sometimes a week plus but it’s really not that bad and it’s so very worth it!! I can’t believe in about 7 weeks we’ll be closed again… the way it looks I’m guessing we’ll have about 10 days off, counting weekends!! woah!! I can’t wait!!

Great News!!

momma called me a few minutes ago to ask me if we could switch our massages... we both go to this wonderful lady, mary.. man, she gives the best massage! so, i get to go see her tonight at 7:15 for an hour!! an hour of pure bliss!! everyone should have their own mary!!
ok, that's not the good news though, well, it is but not near as good as this!! momma also told me that my aunt that had cancer, the one i blogged about, went to the dr. and had her tests done, her cancer is gone! this bout of chemo did the trick!! she has to have a few radiation treatments but i am so glad that the chemo worked!! YEAH!!! that is amazing!!
all it takes is one comment to turn your whole attitude and day around!! the next thing you know, everything is wonderful!!!