Taking Time Out

i was busy this weekend.... i worked at km's office on saturday and got home about 5:30... r and i ate dinner.... my computer needed to be updated so before i started on payroll r decided to update and scan my computer for me... i appreciate that he did it but it took almost 3 hours!! by the time he was done it was almost 10:00 and i was tired.... i've been working really hard at my work and then i worked hard on saturday... my back has really been hurting me too so that makes a world of difference in how hard my "work day affects me"... i get so tired!! at least march is almost here, i'm only glad because of my dr.'s appt... my back hurting has been taking it all out of me.... then i think because i'm so tired and hurting so bad that everything that i feel i have to do is insurmountable.... like i can't do anymore... i can't go anymore.... i am so tired, my whole back and both legs are in constant pain, and it's just like, i'm out of steam.... at the same time, i can't be... there is so much to do and so much to get done!! km asked me on saturday if i'd be willing to work on wednesdays after work... that's ok though, i really enjoy working up there with km, her sister, and her mom... they're like my family... luckily, km is the one person who 99.99% of the time never irritates me even if everyone else is... it takes a lot for that to happen!! so that's been nice change of working environment... despite all of the griping that i've done i'm in a fairly good mood... don't get me wrong, i was irritated (ok, pissed) today at work at rrll (of course!).... but i got over that after work... r and i had a good weekend... sunday i ended up working on restaurant stuff all day long.... get this, i had the race on but didn't even pay attention to it.... i didn't even know where carl finished when the race was over!! woah!! i got a lot done though!! this "craziness" won't last forever though!! only 6ish more weeks!! :) i know that if my back wasn't hurting the rest of this wouldn't even be an issue... like i said though, my mood and attitude have been pretty good... r and i are just kinda rocking along right now... 2007 hasn't been a bad year so far but it's definitely had it's challenges!! :) i'm off to grate some cheese for my chicken and rice casserole... if it's good i'll share the recipe! i so didn't mean for this to blog to sound the way it sounded... like a total bitchfest and please pity me for my pain... that's not what i was trying to say.... i just finally took a few minutes to get my crazy thoughts off my chest...

Absolutely Nothing

there is absolutely nothing going on right now.... that is fine by me though... this morning at work i had a little bit of free time so i paid some bills and then re-worked a report for the restaurant... when i was using the old form to calculate food cost somehow the formula got a little messed up so our numbers were all crazy! i got that fixed though and it is one more thing i got to scratch off my to-do list!! YEAH!!! i love scratching things off lists that i've completed!!
i'm just waiting on my billing or for my idiot co-worker to give me my bills so i can pay them... no use in paying a few bills now and then paying more later, especially when they're going to the same company... i think he just likes to try to make my life more difficult.... evil man!!
last night i went and looked at a few cars that r and i had seen online at the dealership that his dad works at.... don't get me wrong, i'm glad that his dad works at a dealership because we always get great deals but for instance, this dealership doesn't sell VW's... and for me to even think of going somewhere else and buying something, that is a big no-no!! both r and his dad have been giving me the same "speech" about not talking to anyone else at any of the other car lots... (the dealership his dad works at has 3 different lots around town)... it's like a huge deal to them... which i do understand.... but like i said, he gets us great deals! there were a few accords and then a couple of jettas that i looked at but i don't like the jettas, they are too small and the accords... i feel like i'm driving a spaceship... i think it's the nose and dash on them... needless to say, i think car buying is going to be a long tedious process with me being so picky.... i did talk to momma and daddy last night about buying her old accord and she had some really good points... she told me that i was able to drive it as long as i needed and we'd just kinda see what played out as far as me buying a car... she wants me to buy something that i'm going to like and be really happy with and i agree with her... so i guess you can say that the car shopping has started.... i just wish there was something that i really liked.... right now i can't think of anything that i just really love (well, except for a bmw i saw on the lot yesterday but, that might be just a tad bit out of our price range, hehe!!).... i'm just not really liking the body styles of the newer cars so much... i've been looking at other people's cars to see what i think.... just checking them out, seeing if anything catches my eye...
i'm working tomorrow at km's office.... then when i get home i'll work on payroll and inventory... there's a race sunday on fox, 2pm cst... :) YES!!! i can't wait!!! i am so glad it's racing season again!!!
my back and legs are screaming in pain (it still feels like fire inside my lower back and running down my legs) and i can't get it to stop!!!.... march 8th can't get here quick enough!!!
i guess i'm off to lunch... until someone else up at work decides to be productive i have nothing to do.. i just love having to rely on others so that i can do my job... (i feel like this is all me, that i'm the hard one to get along with- but if they would just do their job there wouldn't be a problem... but that is another blog for another day)... i'm going to mcdonald's to get a salad... i've been craving a salad lately and theirs are so good (so is their tea!!!) so it's a double bonus!! :) anyways, like i said, there is nothing going on... sorry for the boring blog!!!

Finally!!

i can't believe it's been over a week since i was able to blog last!!! i haven't even blogged since the daytona 500!! i tried my hardest to keep my good attitude last week and it worked- somewhat...
friday night i went and got a massage... woah, mary is a miracle worker!! i can't wait to see her again... she made me feel so much better... worked on and worked out the knots in my back, neck, and shoulders.... she also worked on my lower back and my glutes (ok, fine, my butt) because my back has been hurting so bad.... i felt like a million bucks when i left there!! saturday i worked til a little after 5 over at km's office... got home and started on payroll and then inventory... we watched school for scoundrels (spelling?!?!)- it was hilarious!!! finally sunday rolled around and i got to watch some racing!!! carl did good... much better than last year anyways! there were several chances towards the end when i thought he had an excellent chance of winning... a few cautions and a huge wreck on turn 4 of the last lap and he finished 22nd... that's ok though, other good drivers finished worse than he did... but it was a dang good race!!! a really good race!!
i've been covered up at work... it's really nice when you're working your butt off and your co-worker is not doing anything.... i think that's what really irritates me most.... he has pretty much decided to be even more worthless than he was and now does absolutely nothing... only the bare minimum when the boss is here.... i haven't even been able to talk to rrll until today... i went off on him on friday.... he pissed me off so i let him know it.... i wasn't rude, well, no more rude than he is to others.... (some of the things he says to people i'm just like, i can't believe you actually said that!!)....
besides being busy at work i've been busy at home too... i haven't had time to work on my restaurant stuff at work so i've been working on it at home, as well as the normal everyday things that i have to do.... my to-do list for home is getting shorter though!!!
i am starting to car shop.... i talked to momma and daddy to see if they would be interested in selling the accord but i haven't heard anything... i don't want them to sell the accord if they don't want too.... i'm just ready to get settled into something and to know that it's mine.... i just don't want to spend our down payment on paying off some debt and then not have a down payment or trade-in....
my attitude and temper have been a challenge lately... i know why... well, most of the reasons... my pain pills and then my pain... as i've said before my pain pills really affect my attitude... i get really short and impatient... with everyone... and everything pisses me off... poor r will have just gotten out of bed in the morning and i'm already chewing him out for something... it's not fair to him or to anyone else who has to deal with me... i don't know what to do though.... my back pain is getting worse and my knee and head/neck are really bothering me too.... i am always in pain... and it sucks!! but, hopefully march 8th will get here fast!!! then i can go see the dr...
besides working and trying to keep my temper and attitude in check lately there hasn't been much going on... just staying busy... i can't believe february is almost over!! that is so crazy!! i'm just trying to get caught up and then stay caught up....

Terrific Tuesday

monday turned out to be not so bad after all.... i did get over being upset with the lady i talked too at the dr.'s office yesterday.... momma and i went out to eat at the restaurant last night after work.... with the exception of scheduling my dr.'s appt, monday was pretty uneventful....
even though things haven't been "ideal" lately i'm learning (and finally understand how to) just make the best of all situtations... (i know my blog yesterday probably didn't demonstrate that too well but we all have challenges).... right now i feel like things are going good... r and i are just kinda rocking along taking things as they come... he's working tomorrow night so we won't do anything for valentine's day but that's ok.... i think i said this (or something like this) last year, it shouldn't take a "holiday" for you to show someone that you care.... that is something that you should do everyday... r and i may try to do something saturday night but i'm not sure if we will or not... we might just make watching the daytona 500 with km and her husband our valentine's day.... the reason i'm not sure if we'll be able to do anything saturday night is because sometime between when r gets off work saturday and sunday evening i have to do payroll (and laundry)... i like to try to get the inventory and weekly expense/income report done too because i haven't had time to do it at work like i was hoping i would have... so that will probably take me most of saturday afternoon/evening and then sunday we'll be with km and her husband watching the daytona 500!! (i need to figure out what i'm taking for dessert!) it'll all work out though and whatever we end up doing will be great!! i'm going to really work on keeping the positive attitude for the rest of the day (and week)!!!

From Blogging to Ranting

the weekend was really good, although too short, like always! saturday i worked at km's office and then that night, r and i went out to km's house... km and her husband were there... so was km's sister and her husband... we watched the bud shootout... carl didn't get to race but that's ok! he'll get to race on sunday at the daytona 500!!! and as long as we don't finish last we'll have started the season off better than last year!! sunday i worked on restaurant stuff... payroll and inventory... did laundry.... then last night r and i watched hollywoodland... it was a really good movie!! this morning i woke up in a good mood... not dreading monday or work... actually looking forward to getting the week started! everything was going great until i called my back dr. to see if i could come in today or tomorrow because of the pain... the lady who answered the phone was a complete bitch!! she made me so mad... so now i'm blogging to get the anger out and let it go... i'm going to call back and ask to talk to a nurse in a little bit, i just can't right now... i am so mad!
in my personal opinion, you would think that working at a dr.'s office would maybe make the receptionist a bit more friendly since most people who call aren't going to be feeling well.... she kept cutting me off everytime i tried to say anything! like i was bothering her by calling and trying to make an appt.... she was absolutely no help and didn't even seem to care if she could help me or not.... she acted like my pain was no big deal and it was actually an inconvenience for her.... um, hello?!?! i'm the one with the herniated disc with shooting pains that start in my back and run down both legs!!! she really royally pissed me off...
i want to explain my pain.... it is unimaginable... i had no idea that someone could physically be in this much pain... don't get me wrong, it's been worse before, i'm trying to prevent it from getting that bad again! first, i am out of pain pills... i have been (and can't get them filled until wednesday).... the pain had been creeping back since the end of last year but was kinda off and on again... when i talk about my back pain this is what i feel: it starts right above (sorry- i don't know any other way to say this) my butt crack and runs/shoots down both legs... the pain runs/shoots down the back of both of my legs and on my left side down into my foot... the right side only goes down about mid-calf... it's a shooting/burning sensation; the closest i can seem to really describe it would be feeling like your sciatic nerve is on fire, like a line of fire replaced your sciatic nerve... it freaking hurts like hell!!! i can pinpoint exactly where "in" my back the pain starts and can trace it down my legs... my neck and head also hurt.... i had head/neck problems before my wreck, but since, the pain has become worse... new pains since the wreck- my right knee and foot.... i have no idea what is going on with these... all i know is that they hurt and they didn't before the wreck...
stupid freaking lady that answered the phone, she scheduled me an appt for march 8th!!! (and had to make the smart ass remark, i'll put you on the cancellation list but there are already like 10 people in front of you so don't hold your breath)... you stupid stupid ignorant woman... if you have never had chronic pain before well, i wouldn't wish what i feel on my worst enemy, but i hope that someone diminishes her and her pain (or whatever she is feeling) like she has mine and makes her feel like complete shit because that's exactly what she did to me... normally when i call my back dr., everyone is super nice, kinda like when i call my psychiatrist... she's not just having a bad day either... that's how her attitude is... i've seen it when i've been in the office... ok, deep breaths.... i'll call the nurse and see if they can fill my meds 2 days early.... the meds help with the pain but don't take it away, they just make the pain more bearable... to be honest, the only thing that really seems to help my back are the cortizone shots... sorry for the rant, she really made me mad and hurt my feelings... now i'm going to work on moving past that.... just letting it go....
other than that, monday has been good so far... it's 50 outside and rainy.... the high today is supposed to be in the 60's (this weekend it was in the low 40's) and then on wednesday we have a chance of snow... lovely.... that's ok though, on the positive side, i get to go see mary for an hour on friday night!!! YEAH!!! mary always helps to make me feel better!!! i think i'm only going to have her do my neck, back, and shoulders.... work out my stress knots... think positive, today is almost half over!!

p.s... my brother got married on saturday morning (still waiting for pics)- it was a really small wedding, there were 5 people there- the lady who married them, scott (brother), kristen (now my sister-in-law), and their two witnesses... they were supposed to leave florida today to start driving to texas... they got an apartment in dallas! that is good news!! dallas is so much closer than florida!!!

Catch Up

i am still playing catch up... at work and at home... both to-do lists still have stuff on them that has been on there since before christmas... oh well, it's obviously nothing that is time sensitive... whew... i'll just be glad when i get all caught up and then can stay caught up... i'll get there though!!! i'm off to catch up on my daily reads.... then to actually work.... :)

(saturday night is the bud shoot out!!! YEAH!!! even though carl won't be racing this race, i am so excited i can hardly stand it!!! that just means that daytona is one weekend closer!!! racing season is back!!!)

Ready for the Weekend

ah, i am so ready for the weekend, already!! i am already tired of everything this week and it's only monday.... everyone and everything, especially my co-worker and my boss, are getting on my nerves....
the insurance adjustor called today and told me that they are going to total my car.... this is both good and bad... good because i don't have to worry about them fixing it back the way it was and bad because i'm going to miss patrick... i love arnold and i love driving him, there's just a few small things that i miss about patrick.... the door handles, sunroof/moonroof, and the "info center" (by the gauges that showed the temperature and fuel info).... i know these are little things but that's what i miss... i'm not sure what r and i are going to do about my car situation yet.... we have (had?) gap insurance on patrick... i need to call the insurance company and see exactly what it is, i know there was a really good reason we bought it, there had to be right?! (hehe).... that will probably give us a good idea of what direction we're going to go in...
it's ironic how just last weekend i was blogging about how good things were... things really aren't that bad right now.... i'm just feeling overwhelmed and a bit stressed.... i went to see mary for an hour and a half friday night.... she did a good job working the soreness and knots out... i was hoping it would be a deep tissue massage but she didn't want to do that because of the wreck... she didn't want to hurt my muscles anymore than they already were... i'm not mad at her, i was just really looking forward to a good hard hour and a half massage... like a hurts so good hurt... i feel horrible blogging about this because she called me at work today to see how i was doing.... she wanted to check on me... that sounds horrible and i really don't mean it that way.... i'm just venting.... see, there is positive but i am trying to see the negative.... why is it that i always want to see the negative?!?! ok, that realization ended my venting...
i do need to go to see my back dr. though... ah, the pain.... is bad.... shooting and burning pains down my legs to my feet... that is also a factor in the moodiness.... the pain had started before my wreck but now it's worse... that's ok though... we have "fixed" it before....
on the positive side, saturday, i think it's saturday, is the bud pole shootout (nascar is back!!) it's not the first "official" race but it's a race!!! YEAH!!!! next saturday is the daytona 500!!! ok, now i am excited!!!!

So True

"The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back."

Before and After

2007 has been a crazy year for us in texas, weather-wise anyways... i don't remember ever having a chance (or seeing) as much snow, ice, and sleet as we've seen this year (and even this "season")... wednesday morning when i went out to start r's truck and my car it was snowing... it wasn't like a blizzard or anything, it was just snowing... you could see that the sidewalks were damp from where it had been percipitating sometime recently.... on the way to work i hit a slick spot on an overpass and lost control of my car.... losing control on the overpass and not knowing what was going to happen was the scariest thing!! i will never take concrete barriers or guardrails for granted!! i'm not real sure what happened.... i know that two concrete barriers and a guardrail was involved.... here are before and after pictures of patrick.... volkswagon does make one hell of a safe car!! i was going about 50 when i first hit....

luckily though, momma and daddy have an extra car that they let me borrow.... when momma got her pilot they decided to keep arnold (her accord).... ever since she got arnold, 94 or 95, i have loved him, he is awesome!! so now i get to cruise around in arnold until we find out what's going on with my car.... i am so lucky to have momma and daddy- they are the best parents!!

Good Days

the past few days have been pretty good... saturday was really good...
friday was a good day... mom and i went out to the restaurant and ate catfish after i got off work... we went to a fabric store (i love fabric!).... i so want to start crafting but i have no idea what i want to do... i want something that is "portable".... something that i could take to work or where ever that i could work on.... then we went down to hastings to look to see if they had the february issue of nascar illustrated... i read last friday that it was out and friday night was the third different place that i had tried to get it- third time's a charm!! that was awesome!! and another bonus, i got to hang out with momma... i really like doing stuff with her... we always have a really good time... she's so much fun!!
saturday morning i was going to meet km up at her office (about 10:30) so that i could work on my w2s and 1099s and get them in the mail/paychecks on monday morning... the alarm went off at 8:30 and i was laying in bed getting ready to get up and i heard this crash.... i knew immediately what it was too.... i darted out of bed into the hall, put on my flip flop houseshoes, and went into the living room... i figured it had to take both kitties to push the bowl off the edge of the enertainment center... (they have everything in the world they could want but just couldn't leave my bamboo alone!!) oh yeah, both kitties were no where in sight but my bamboo plant that i had repotted and put on top of the enertainment center was in the floor (it was so heavy too!!).... the glass bowl had shattered and there were 6lbs of river rocks (3lbs of the larger ones and 3lbs of the small ones).... glass and rocks were everywhere!!! it took me over 2 hours to clean it all up!!! so, i had to vacuum... normally that is r's job... but i had to get up the little glass shards up plus, i had been walking around the house too and figured i had tracked some glass shards somewhere...
a while back, one of the kitties had gotten their collar caught in the carpet in the hall and had snagged it... when i was vacuuming i vacuumed right over that spot and the vacuum just started unravelling the carpet... oh yeah, i pulled up about a 14" length of carpet.... just unravelled it in a nice long line... ahhh!!! needless to say, the morning started out not so good but luckily that was the only bad part of the day! r was able to do a patch job on the carpet so that you can't really tell it was unravelled....
i got my w2s and w3 done... my 1099s are done as well as my 1096... i just need to mail some and put some with the payroll checks... (that i need to do today...)
km and i worked until about 3:15 and then r and i met up with km and her husband for some taco bueno at 6:30.... we always used to go out to dinner with them on saturday night... every saturday forever and then r and i kinda had to quit for a little bit, saving money... at first i really didn't want to go eat... i have so much that i have to get done... around the house (laundry!!) and for the restaurant... i always like to get everything done before sunday that way i don't have to do anything on sunday.... it's not really that big of a deal though... i need to get used to it because this is how things are going to be for the next few months... anyways, we go eat.... i am SO glad that we did.... omg, we had such a good time!!! we sat there and talked and laughed... and laughed and laughed... my abs hurt today from laughing so much!!! the next thing we know someone asks jokingly, "what time is it? 10:00?" i looked at my watch and i was like, you are not going to believe this, it's 9:40!! we had been there for over 3 hours!! we ended up leaving shortly after that but omg, it was so much fun!!! i miss them!!! r and i came home and watched some tv.... went to bed....
it's sunday now... i'm up... fixing to eat some pizza.... working on the laundry.... after i eat, i'll start on payroll checks and the w2s.... i figure, you know, i know i'll get everything done... there's no reason to stress it.... i just need to keep the good attitude!! things are going great!! hopefully they'll stay that way!!!

New Perspective

this morning i woke up in a good mood, i woke up late, but in a good mood... r and i talked last night and he just had a really bad day yesterday.... this morning i was thinking... you know, everything is going to work out, i don't know why i'm stressing myself out so much and so bad.... there is always a solution!! just don't worry about it...
i just added up all our credit card deposits that i hadn't added into the restaurant checking account yet (i do that as a little safety net) and i found out that we're not going to have to borrow any money!! YEAH!!! i am so excited!!! that also means that i should be able to pay r so maybe we won't have to use our savings money!!! that's what i'm thinking right now!! (and thoughts are the bricks that build your reality....) i feel so much better and so much less stressed.... way better!!!
i called r and told him that i didn't think we were going to have to borrow any money and that made him happy!! i'm going to print out copies of our breakfast menu, the to-go menu, and the regular menu so that this weekend (and if we need, this upcoming week) we can work on changing it up... we're adding and taking away some things... raising and lowering prices... we need to capitalize on everything we can.... i figured out it will only cost us about $10 to change the menus... all i have to buy is the paper at walmart and that is $5 a pack and it only takes two packs... i can copy the menus at work... and then we just have to "stuff" them...
i just had a challenging day yesterday, it's all good today... actually, i think it's better than yesterday!!

Scared

"When you're ready to crack, one more tug on your sleeve is all it takes."

at the beginning of the year i told myself that i was going to ask for help when i needed it... as well as acknowledging my emotions.... i am scared.... overwhelmed.... way out of my comfort zone... i woke up this morning in the best mood i've been in in a while.... i was cheerful and happy, even nice to my co-worker.... we were able to hold a short conversation without me being a total bitch.... i think i figured out a way to take my pain meds and not be a complete monster.... we'll see....
once again, money is really tight right now... i'm almost cleaning out our savings account to make my car payment this month.... that scares me.... it seems like just when things are going good at the restaurant they take a turn for the not-so-good.... december was a really good month... january hasn't been so good... i know though, it's right after christmas... it's to be expected.... except that we've borrowed from pretty much all the credit that we have available to borrow from and i'm sweating both the restaurant and our personal checking accounts... paying bills... is there going to be enough money in there when the checks come in? are we going to be able to pay our bills?
buying the restaurant was the one thing that i had no doubts about.... i knew (know) we can make it work and make it successful!! today i figured up our yearly profit/loss.... yeah, um, well, it was the first 5 months we were open and it wasn't a turn key operation so i guess this is to be expected?!?!? we lost over 10 grand in the first 5 months.... i have it broken down monthly and not every month shows a loss.... some months the loss was pretty substantial.... then.....
r called me today at work and really scared me... he said he wanted out, he didn't want to do it anymore and the tone of his voice was different than it normally is... when he said, do you know how depressing it is to go to work everyday and not make any money? you're working for free, and that just broke my heart.... he explained that during the day when he's there and we're slow he just starts to think about how we need to be busy and how we're not making any money.... honestly i can't imagine.... then he tells me that he called his old boss and was talking to him about getting his job back.... he would have to work at a different store, and he doesn't really want to work at that store, but he would pay him the same (and it's just right down the street!).... he goes on with several other things that i could never imagine/picture him saying, but does.... honestly, when we got off the phone i was a wreck....
i don't know what to do.... i'm trying to think of anything possible that i have to sell on ebay... i think i'm frustrated because i have changed my perspective over the past couple of days and now i feel like i took 1 step forward and 2 steps back....
i know that everything is going to be ok.... i know that everything is going to work out the way it's supposed too.... i just need to find the peace inside me so that i believe it.... i can tell myself that all day long, i just need to believe it....

on a different note, things have been crazy hectic lately at work.... we had a problem with our W2s at work, the company that we outsource our employees from had a slight accident with our last 2 check year-to-date totals and the numbers on our W2s..... we had several employees file their taxes with their last pay stub so now they have to go back and file an amended return.... it's a situation....
i haven't even gotten started on my W2s for the restaurant or the 1099s.... i'm meeting km up at her office on saturday so we can work.... i still need to fill out the reports for the taxes that are due by wednesday (and find the money to pay them with).....
the byk's (back yard kitties) that i've been feeding... i named one of them ewok... i think he/she is a runt.... she's tiny and she doesn't meow, she sounds like an ewok!! and she's so friendly.... she's always coming in on the screened in porch to look around when i'm feeding them... all of the others run off though they are getting better.... r opened up the front door the other night and ewok came running in!! he is so cute!!! and lovey!! he wants to be an inside kitty SO bad it's not even funny.... he's a really good kitty which r says is odd because he is an outside kitty... we're going to try to let him live on the back porch and see how he does... he's been in the house two or three nights this week.... different nights... not in all night long but in for a little bit... checking out the kitties and the house.... r's the one with the 2 cats max in the house rule but ewok is getting to him.... bad.... which brings me to this: i don't think mazzy will even begin to tolerate another kitty in the house.... murphy, he would get used to ewok and they would get along great... ewok was showing off for murph last night.... it was so cute!! but if ewok is going to be an inside kitty, ewok needs to go to the vet... and you know what the vet means.... more money!!
i just have to really know and trust that things will happen as they should.... that everything will work out the way that it is supposed too....

Uplift Your Life

momma had sent me this link a while back and it got lost in my inbox.... lately a lot of things have gotten lost in there.... anyways, i found this very appropriate considering what i just blogged....

Uplift Your Life:
Seven Strategies to Break Through Burnout, Boredom, and Blues
By Lauren E. Sullivan

www.InspiredLifeDesign.com

If you are suffering from burnout or feeling disappointment with how your life has turned out, take heart! These seven strategies will guide you step-by-step along an empowering path to renew your energy and zest for life.

1. Shore up your energy for change. When you are feeling defeated, resist the urge to push yourself into action to fix your life. Instead, slow down and recharge your batteries.
Acknowledge that your resources have been drained by the stress of a life chronically out of whack. Give yourself a nurturing gift by making a conscious choice to rejuvenate your body, mind and spirit. Embarking on a big change when you are depleted of energy and enthusiasm may get you somewhere, but probably not where you really want to go. Here are some things you can do to refuel your tank and renew your spirit:
• Start a personal journal for self-exploration
• Engage in nurturing activities for self-care
• Schedule time off just for you
• Practice saying “no” to create more personal time
• Find ways to play
• Engage in a pleasant hobby
• Exercise in ways that are fun for you
• Relax in a hammock
• Take walks in nature
• Work in the garden
• Join a meditation class
• Read an engaging book
• Do something creative or artistic

2. Resurrect the dreams you left behind. Spend some quality time alone with your thoughts and a journal. Write about your needs, your desires and your dreams. Take a trip down memory lane and remember the things that used to bring a smile to your face, the things you enjoyed when you were younger and life was simpler. What were your hopes for the future? What is your highest aspiration for your life now? If there were no obstacles, what would you be doing with your life? Here are some things to do and think about to help you get in touch with your deepest desires:
• Go on a mental treasure hunt to rediscover the things you love.
• Think about what you loved as a child and as a younger adult.
• What kinds of books are you drawn to and why?
• What do you like to do with your free time?
• Do you have a thirst for learning about a particular subject?
• In what ways do you expect yourself to be “practical”?
• How do you protect yourself from disappointment?
• What’s missing from your life?
• What do you long for?
• What legacy would you like to leave?
• If you found out you had only a few months to live, how would you spend your time?
• What do you value the most in life?
• Complete this sentence, “I feel joyful when_______.”
• If I could be, do or have anything I wanted, what would it be?

3. Conquer your inner critic and limiting beliefs. Beware of the ugly inner critic that wants to nip this “flight of fantasy” thing in the bud. Pay attention to the negative, critical messages that stop you from taking steps in a new direction. Become an observer of your inner dialog and decide who you want in charge of your life: your inner critic or your inner coach? Allow your inner coach to expand your belief in what is possible. Here are things you can do and questions you can ponder that will help you strengthen your belief that you can have what you want.
• Examine the ways you tell yourself, “I can’t”. Separate fact from fiction.
• Practice shifting your inner dialog to say, “I can” or “Oh, YES I can!”
• What other negative messages do you hear from your inner critic?
• How does your inner critic fill in the blank when you say the words, “I am______”?
• What would a kind and gentle inner coach say instead?
• Write down these positive messages as statements of affirmation, “I am _____” and repeat them often.
• Be compassionate with yourself. Let go of judgment about past choices.
• Commit to making new choices in support of your new desired outcomes.
• Practice forgiveness of yourself and others.
• Avoid “black and white” thinking. Look for shades of gray (find the middle ground).
• Be willing to ask for help and support more often.


4. Find joy in the journey. Short-circuit the “I’ll be happy when…” syndrome by choosing to consciously dwell in positive thought and feeling. Make a choice to spend more time noticing what is right with your life and what is right with you rather than feeding the cycle of negativity by magnifying what seems to be wrong or missing from your life. Positive feelings such as gratitude, appreciation, love, and compassion for yourself and others will energize you and propel you toward a brighter future. Here are some things you can do to feel your way to a better life right now, without any significant change in your circumstances!
• Focus on what is working in your life rather than what is not working.
• Start a gratitude journal and write about what you appreciate about your life.
• Express your appreciation to the people around you for the things you love and respect.
• Think about all the things you appreciate about yourself and write them down.
• Bask in the joy of acknowledging yourself in this way.
• With difficult people and situations, shift your focus to look for any positive aspects or gifts, i.e., how this circumstance may enable you to grow and learn.
• Remember a time you felt happy. Imagine it in detail and use your senses to relive the memory and recreate that happy feeling.
• Clear out your negativity. Write down all the negative feelings that have been draining your energy. Set an intention to let these feelings go. Tear up the paper and throw it away.
• Consciously choose positive feelings. Fill at least one page in your journal with all the wonderful positive feelings you’d like to experience in your life. Read this often!

5. Imagine you are already where you want to be. Spend time playing in your imagination. Not only is it okay to daydream, it’s a vital step in redesigning your life. Allow yourself to vividly imagine the life that would bring you the greatest joy and satisfaction. Then write about what you envision in clear, concise, emphatic, and energizing words. An empowering vision for your future will lift you out of the doldrums and into action! Here are some things to do to help you create a compelling personal vision.
• Spend some time daydreaming about the new life you want to create!
• Record your thoughts, ideas, and dreams in your journal.
• Look through magazines for pictures that represent the life you desire.
• Cut out pictures and words that you find inspiring.
• Create a picture collage using poster board, a scrapbook or colorful paper.
• Continue to use your journal to create word pictures that express your dreams and desires for your future.
• Be conscious about thinking and writing about what you want, not what you don’t want.
• Try a creative writing approach: be the star in your own movie script or write a story called, “A Day in the Life.”
• Declare your desires out loud in front of a mirror, to a trusted, supportive friend, or to a life coach. Don’t share your vision with anyone you know to be a doubter or critic!
• Gather your insights from all of your journaling work and self-discovery to create a powerful vision statement that starts with the words, I AM. You’ll know you have it right for you when you feel the urge to shout, “YES!”

6. Create an inspiring life plan. Support your vision with a detailed plan for your new life. What needs to change in order for you to experience a rich and robust quality of life? Look at each aspect of your life that is important to you and make a conscious decision to fill in those missing pieces. Declare your intentions in writing, and then make a commitment to take action to carry out your plan. Here are some tips for how to harness the power of intention to propel you to an empowering new life!
• Draw a picture of a pie with eight segments.
• Label each pie segment with an aspect of your life that is important to you and needs your attention in order to create a quality of life that pleases you.
• To be sure you have identified the eight areas that are most important, ask yourself, “If all these aspects of my life are working, will I have a satisfying life?” If not, keep revising your pie until the picture of your life is complete.
• For each area you identified in your pie of life, create an intention statement: “My intention for my _______ is to_____________.” Use feeling words to give your words positive energy.
• For each intention statement you create, ask yourself, “Now that I am clear about my intention for _______, what choices will I make in order to carry out this intention?”
• Now get very specific about actions you are committed to taking that are measurable. This will not be your average “To Do” list, because each action is now tied to your choices, your intentions and your broader vision for your life, which have all come from your heart!
• Use your life plan to evaluate new opportunities and requests for your time.
• Does this decision fit with the vision and intentions I hold for my life?
• If I make this choice, will it further my progress toward the future I envision?
Review your life plan on a regular basis to keep your focus clear and your energy charged.

7. Navigate the bumps in the road. Allow for imperfections! If things do not go as planned, or if something comes out of left field to knock you off track, let it be. Tend to the crisis or detour, but hold onto your vision. The path between where you are and where you want to be may not unfold in a straight line. Look for the gift in the situation and get back on track as soon as you can. Persistence and patience are important keys to transforming your life. Here are some helpful ways to ensure you stay true to your vision.
• Treat your life plan as a living document, one to update as you move through life.
• Acknowledge your progress and be gentle with yourself as you begin to implement change.
• Focus on creating one new habit at a time. Experience some success with one new habit, and then begin to implement another.
• Give yourself status reports.
• Schedule time with yourself (ideally at the same time and on the same day each week) to review your progress and reaffirm your vision.
• Consider daily status reports if you have difficulty maintaining focus.
• Celebrate every baby step along the way, because in time, each step will add up to a giant leap. And before you know it, burnout, boredom and blues will become a distant memory as you find yourself reawakening to joy and passion in your life!

Hot!!

After re-reading parts of my blog from last year about this time it seems that I keep blogging (and griping) about the same things…. Me not being able to “control” my emotions and keep myself in check… people getting on my nerves and driving me crazy… (the same people pretty much)… and being sad…. So, have I learned anything this past year? Yes, I have. Now if I would only apply it to my life maybe it would do some good…. Maybe I should look at it from a positive point of view…. Um, at least at this point I can acknowledge my emotions and I’m not scared to actually name the emotion that I’m feeling…. To myself or my blog anyways….
Life is like a circle…. Well, at least until you change some element of your life that will break the old circle and create a new one… not all circles may be bad for you… (I suppose)… but in my case, the circle that I keep going thru is self-destructive… and not just to me… to my relationships with others as well…. this is all from my perspective and lately my perspective has been pretty negative…. Here’s my situation as I see it anyways…
Somehow (and I have no idea how) I have a herniated disc… My back started hurting 2 months after r and I got married… it never got better, it just kept getting worse and worse… when it first started hurting it was just hurting down my right side…. I was off work for over 2 months and then continued to miss even after the dr. released me to go back to work… I have never been in so much pain… the first year of my marriage I spent in a narcotic induced haze…. I went thru oxycontin and morphine patch withdrawals and I would not wish that on my worst enemy….. the bad thing is that neither the oxycontins or the patches seemed to help the pain… my body just became addicted to me taking them like I was supposed too…. until I had gone thru the withdrawals firsthand I never really understood why it was so hard for people to just walk away from pills or just leave it alone… I was only on the oxycontin for 3 months and the withdrawals I had made me want to start taking it again… just so I wouldn’t have to deal with the withdrawals… they were the worst thing I have ever experienced…. Since then, basically I’ve been on hydrocodone for my back pain, which helps but doesn’t alleviate the pain…. I’ve had multiple sets of cortisone shots in my lower back…. Most of the time the shots work for a little while… this last set has worked for 1.5 years…. My back did start hurting again around the end of November…. I was doing really good not taking a lot of pain pills… only when I really needed them but now, I’m taking them all the time… my back has really been hurting… and it’s been hurting down the left side too, not just the right side… the last time I went to the dr. he had he wanted to do another mri and then schedule me for another set of shots… (dang ‘ol stupid money tree in the back yard had to go and die though!!)
R constantly gives me hell about my back… mainly because of the cost of the shots but also because his back “hurts like hell all the time but I don’t get to take off work or whatever, I just have to deal with it”…at my previous job the shots didn’t cost me anything… the set I got 1.5 years ago I just finished paying off in November… yes, right around the time my back started hurting again….. we’re really trying to move to iowa park to be closer to the restaurant so I haven’t said anything to him about my back or the shots….
Since my back has been hurting like the devil I have been eating my pain pills like there’s no tomorrow…. The pain pills don’t mess me up because my back hurts so bad… they numb/dull the pain a little but not much…. My pain pills do make me um, well, they affect my attitude… I’m sure my attitude is probably also affected by the pain and the pills not working too well, along with stress, but my attitude seems worse when I’m on the pills…. They make me so irritable… and pissy… everyone and everything gets on my nerves… I have no tolerance level for anything at all… I go from pissy to like super hot mad, extremely mad over the stupidest smallest things (worse than usual!!)…. R, my co-workers, the kitties, people driving, people at the store, basically anyone and anything…. I can take xanax with them but I can only take so many … the xanax affect my memory and make me so sleepy although they do help calm me down…. By the end of the day I’m so tired, from being irritable, being in pain, and the pills, that when I get home and it’s bedtime I just fall into bed… then the morning rolls around and I don’t want to get up because I’m pill hung over (which leaves me so dang tired!!!)…. It’s all a vicious circle… at least for me now…. I’m damned it I do and damned if I don’t….
That’s the reason I haven’t been blogging lately… I haven’t been in the mood and I don’t really want to spread the “cheer” that I’ve been feeling lately…. The only thing I’ve wanted to share lately is my nasty attitude… I figure, if I’m going to be in a bad mood then so should everyone else… (I know, that is SO horrible!!!! But it’s the truth….)
So that’s where I’ve been at lately… trying to figure out what the best course of action would be for me to take… something’s got to give… I am not speaking to certain people right now (mainly my co-worker)…. I just can’t and have no desire too… I have absolutely no patience with him and anything that I say to him will probably be really ugly…. R keeps asking me what’s wrong? Why won’t I lighten up? That just makes me even more mad….. this certain song chorus keeps running thru my head- why do you have to be angry all the time? I don’t know dammit!!! Or I do know! I believe it’s because of all the crap I’ve said above but I don’t know what to do about it….
My brother and his fiancée were in town this weekend and even he pissed me off… normally I just take everything he says in stride but man, his comments kept getting all over me… I finally just quit talking…. I was really hoping that him and his fiancée would come over to the house so we could visit but they didn’t…. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t feeling good on Saturday or what…. I took it as they just didn’t want to come over… (of course, the negative way to perceive it!) and that made me mad…. I see a pattern here… everything, and I mean everything, makes me mad… I know there is an answer out there but I haven’t found it yet… or maybe I have and I just looked at it the wrong way…. All I know is that I need peace… I need to find peace inside of me…
Of course all this negativity that I’ve been spewing out of me is affecting me in other ways too… I was going to count my points (from weight watchers) and start exercising… um, no… well, sometimes…. I’ve kinda been counting my points, the first week I lost 2lbs then this past week gained both back…. Not having someone to hold me accountable has kinda presented a problem for me so far… I know most of it is probably the attitude… maybe…. I don’t know… all I really know is that I feel like I’m in a funk and I don’t really know where to go to get out of it…. or for that matter, where to begin… maybe realizing (well, I’ve known that there is a problem, I’ve finally just admitted it) that there is a problem is step one…. We’ll see….

Remember, lifelong habits die hard. It is difficult enough to simply recognize our anger and jealousy, let alone to make an effort to hold back the old familiar tide of feeling or analyze its cause and results. Transforming the mind is a slow and gradual process. It is a matter of ridding ourselves, bit by bit, of instinctive, harmful habit patterns and becoming familiar with habits that necessarily bring positive results- to ourselves and others.

Perfect Monday

today has been the perfect monday! i got up, went to work, but go to go home as soon as i got there (and it wasn't because i was feeling bad either!).... came home... blogged and for the second day in a row got to really read and enjoy the blogs i read daily... well, try to read daily.... lately it's been as often as possible, whenever i get a free second.... but i am really hoping that today changed all of that... i had a very productive day!! i have a list of questions that i need to ask km about random various tax things... yesterday i got my monthly payroll tax done.... today i got my sales tax, state unemployment tax, federal unemployment tax (940), and my quarterly payroll tax (941) done!! basically, the way i have it figured, all i have left to do is get the w-2s out... AND bonus, i think in one of our tax "packets" we got, it had a web address where you could file your w-2s online and print them out... then, they would send all the "Copy A"'s to the social security administration electronically so that i wouldn't have to mail paper copies in... then you can print out your w-2's, as well as the other copies you need, and i think all i would have to buy would be envelopes... not bad... i've got my fingers crossed that this works... man, it sounds simple!! all the stress and worrying for nothing! anyways, i'm taking a break for now... thinking of painting my toenails... maybe putting a mask on my face... ah, but first, some yoga i think!! the other day i was thinking, you know, i don't have time for yoga... 45 minutes is just 3% of my day... if in 100% of my day i can't find time for 3% for time to relax several days a week, well, there's something wrong... so, off to do yoga and relax some!!! what a great way to start the week!!

You create your reality with your thoughts, words and visions. I encourage you to choose to think only the most beautiful thoughts, speak only those things you want to come to pass and to create the most powerful visions of your future success.

Horoscopes

lately i have been thinking about going back and re-reading my blog at this time last year to see what was going on with me... pretty much the same thing as now... trying to learn to be calm and "in control" of myself and my life... ah, the interesting thing though... i posted my 2006 horoscope at the beginning of last year... very very interesting.... here it is:

Just Here
Money is usually of secondary importance to you, friend Gemini, but this year you’ll make up your mind to make as much money as possible. Geminis who are romantically involved might go into business with their beloved. You may create a new career that will flourish without even having to leave your day job, and while this will keep you busy, you’ll draw encouragement from the progress you’re making. Your romantic life improves, but with all your new commitments it may be difficult to find time to spend with your beloved.Make the time. Love is more important than you think. Also, you need to look out for your health. Don’t push yourself too hard. Making money is great, but it’s not worth sacrificing wellness. Remember that.

r and i had talked about opening a restaurant before but nothing too serious... the serious talks began in june!!

so, i decided to post my 2007 horoscope so that i can come back next year and compare....

Gemini 2007 horoscope
Gemini thrives on change, variety and mental stimulation. You will attract these in all areas of your life, making for a very exciting year. Use your talent of looking at your emotions objectively to come to terms with them when you don't understand logically what's going on in your life. Emotions are like events to you, and you have the ability to categorize them well. Your ability to feel connected with people will help keep strong relationships going this year. Treat life's challenges as projects and you will inevitably figure out what's going on.
You will make long strides in your career this year -- as long as you keep faith in yourself. The energy you put into your work will allow you to experience many material blessings in your home environment. Pay close attention to your own creative ideas. Many new inspirational ideas are coming your way and you will benefit by putting your ideas into action in your career. It's important for you to be recognized and feel appreciated for your efforts.
You attract a variety off people with your great charm, and you have a natural ability to gain admiration. You'll feel energized by the opposite sex. For most of the year, communication will be top priority, and you'll be asked to articulate your inspirational ideas in some kind of writing project. Friends and family are key in helping you manifest your desires, especially in the latter part of the year, and the chance to deepen your relationships with them makes you very happy!

Monday.....

ah, the perfect way to begin a week.... i got up a little early this morning because it's been icy and hasn't been above freezing since about friday noonish... got up, started getting ready, started r's truck and my car, i had to go scrape the ice off the windshield (forgot the back windshield though, oops!), and left for work... went to the post office and then off to work... the roads weren't as bad as i thought they were going to be... the overpasses were slick in some spots but for the most part the roads were clear.... i got to work and rrll is standing in the parking lot... only as i'm pulling into the parking lot do i notice that he's the only one there... the gates and the buildings are all locked.... the railroad tracks right next to work are blocked off... rrll says that he just got off the phone with t and that we're not working today!! the ice had downed some power lines as well as poles and trees... txu said they were almost positive that there was no way that they would have everything over there fixed until the end of the day..... YEAH!! so we, along with quite a few other companies, have no power today.... so i cruise back home and now i'm all snuggled up on the couch.... i'm going to stay snuggled up on the couch today too but now the big question is.... do i want to actually take advantage of this whole day off (since i've been griping about being so busy and having so much to do!) and try to get a ton of restaurant stuff done or do i want to play? i'm going to work... maybe play too but work for the most part... having the whole day off is just what i need!! it's perfect!!

Whew

Things have been so busy…. Crazy busy!!! I am finally like 99% caught up at work which is a good thing because that means that now I can work on the restaurant stuff up at work!! Very good thing!! I am working at home but I just don’t feel like I get near as much done at home as I do at work…
after I get everything done that I need to get done for January, I am going to start working Saturdays and after work during the week (as they need me- thru the week) thru tax season with km, her sister, and their mom… they are so much fun and are so dang funny, even when stressed… I’m really excited about it and looking forward to it… I think it will be fun!! Plus, I’m hoping I will learn a lot!!
Things will calm down at work though and then I’ll be able to blog and blog walk again!! Man, I miss it so much!!! Until today I honestly can’t tell you the last time I sat down relaxed and was able to visit my daily reads!! I have been missing them, so bad!! And I DO NOT like not being able to blog whenever I “need” too… plus, lately I’ve been angry (again)…. I know why and it’s for stupid petty reasons but… I’m letting it make me angry… Thursday and Friday were much better days though… I’m not sure if it’s because I am actually admitting the reason I am mad and coming to terms with it or if it’s because my work load is lightning up, not the restaurant stuff, my work… it will all get done….
So, I went to see mary (massage therapist) Friday night for an hour… the weather got bad here Friday afternoon, ice and stuff- it’s still nasty outside, but I feel so much better… I scheduled with her for Friday, the 2nd for an hour and a half.. a full body massage… she said it is amazing what a difference that extra 30 minutes makes… how much more thorough she can be…. Oh yeah…. Treating myself after meeting all my January deadlines and getting ready for tax season… like I said, I am excited about working km, and fam thru tax season…
My brother and his fiancée are coming to visit Saturday and Sunday… I’m excited… I haven’t seen him since last summer (I think?!?) and I miss him… maybe they’ll have some details about the upcoming wedding, whenever it’s planned for! (unless it’s a shotgun one!)
Anyways, I still have a whole long list of things to blog about but they’re all “long and involved”…. And I’m tired… Friday night I was in bed and asleep by 10:30, Saturday morning (afternoon) I woke up at 1:30… Saturday night I was in bed and asleep by the same time and woke up about 12:15 Sunday… I have been so tired… plus, Friday/Saturday, I might have been sleeping so good because of the massage!!! I have a psychiatrist appt on Tuesday…. We’ll see how that goes… I quit taking some of my meds since my awakening session and to be honest, as stressed as I’ve been, I think I’ve been holding up pretty good… I’ve been angry but I know what part/most of that is from… it’s a vicious cycle but that is for another blog another day… I will deal with that issue when it’s time..
One more thing, I have been counting points this week and only had one “bad” day… it started with pop tarts and ended with a frisco burger and French fries… no biggie though.. I did try to exercise and do some yoga this week…. I’ve been wearing my pedometer as well as my 2lb ankle weights… the scale yesterday morning said a loss of 6lbs since Monday… I’m going to weigh in the morning for the “final” week weigh… I’m kind of excited, I think I did pretty good!!!

Thoughts:
You are the creator of your reality. Grasping this truth will without shame and fear will allow you to begin creating the life that you want.

Your happiness depends on what you choose to think and imagine. Choose well.

Thought for the Day

Be kind. Every person you meet is fighting a hard battle.

.......

i'm not sure where to begin... i feel like it's been about forever and a day since i blogged... i miss it... but now that i finally have a chance i have no idea where to start or what to say... don't get me wrong, i have a whole list of stuff that i want to blog about but none of it right now...
since the beginning of the year things have been good, just extremely busy!! i've been super busy at work, playing catch up from vacation (as well as end of quarter stuff)... as far as the restaurant goes, things have been really good there but i've got a ton of stuff to do... year end stuff as well as the normal stuff...
both my work and the restaurant have government deadlines (tax deadlines/payments/reports) that i have to meet... that puts a little more pressure on me but it's ok... i'll get it all done! i worked about 5 hours at home today on restaurant stuff (and don't feel like i got anything accomplished)... figuring the numbers and stuff takes time... plus, i double check everything (ocd).... i do have an appt with mary on friday for an hour massage!! bonus!!!
in short, here's what my schedule looks like for january...
every monday the employees get paid.. this means on saturday or sunday i do payroll....
the 15th- payroll tax (monthly) is due
the 20th- sales tax is due
the 30th- payroll tax (quarterly) is due; state (suta) unemployment tax is due as well as futa (federal unemployment tax); and oh yes, the one thing i can't forget- W-2's have to be postmarked by this date....
also, at my work i've got my IFTA (report for trucking) due by the 30th...
it won't be hard to make out the checks once i get all my numbers.... getting the numbers is time consuming though... it makes me feel guilty to "take time out for myself" but i have realized that this is something that i need to do... i need to take time out to take care of me otherwise i'm not going to be able to take care of the things that i need to take care of... i read that you need to schedule time for yourself like you schedule time for a dr. appt. or anything else... i am going to schedule in yoga for sure... once every 3 weeks or so an hour massage with mary... i'm really thinking about treating myself at the end of january to an hour and a half massage with her... it would be the perfect time too... the stress of january and all of this would be over!! we'll see though!! the yoga is helping me relax too!!
one more thing... i have "designed" a chart in excel to track my weight loss... monday night after work i'm going to weigh and measure myself.... every monday i'm going to weigh and then maybe every other week weigh and measure... i'm going to do weight watchers again (well, by myself) but i think i'm going to try to "jumpstart" my metabolism with this 4 day cleanse... we'll see though... i've started to wear my ankle weights to work each day and my pedometer as well... last year about this time i started the same thing... each week i'm going to try to increase my walking distance by 10%.... (i'll chart that too!)... i really need to start exercising on a regular basis... which i plan to incorporate... km has some jazzercise videos she said she'd let me "borrow".... walking... we'll see... i do need (and want) to do something though!!