Random

I wish I had the guts to do what I wanted to do for a living… first I need to find out what it is I want to do…

Change your mind ... and EVERYTHING changes.

You know it is bad when you wake up depressed!

I notice more and more days where I'm filled with a nearly uncontrollable rage.

Sometimes I think my life is so shitty, but I know on the outside, to others it looks pretty good. I don't know which one I should believe.

Right when I think you could not be more of an asshole you kick it up a notch.

Beloved one, may you always know that "the force is with you."
May you experience moment after moment of grace, presence, and awareness of the good in yourself and in the world around you.
You are precious, valuable, worthy, capable, and loved.

These are just some of the thoughts (and bits and pieces I've borrowed from all the True Confession websites) that have been running thru my head for several weeks now… my emotions have been a roller coaster… up and down… I thought it was just pms now I’m not sure what it is… I’ve been taking my meds, even though I was thinking about quitting them before my emotions took over and started on the roller coaster… I do have a dr. appt with my psychiatrist Monday… this morning when I was leaving for work the kitties looked so sad to see me go (probably because I’m never home anymore- I’m always working- and when I am home I’m still working)… I was ok until I got to work and then I just wanted to cry…
R and I have been busy… work, work, and more work… I’ve been working at my “regular” 8- 5 job then working after work either over at the office on tax returns or at the house on bookkeeping… yesterday I worked from the time I got up until 8:30… R and I were in bed and asleep by 9… (on the good side, I am almost thru gathering up all the information for our taxes)…
I have a dr. appt at the back institute tomorrow that I am really looking forward too (a day off from work)…
Last Tuesday km found out that she’s having a baby… her first dr. appt is tomorrow… hopefully she’ll find out how far along she is… I am so excited for her but yet I have mixed feelings inside me… and I know where these feelings are coming from… I just don’t know what to do about them…
Back in December I blogged about something that I’d been doing some heavy thinking about but never published it… I just saved it as a draft because I was scared to publish it… R has been bringing up babies for several months now… I have a suspicion that he’s ready to have one… I mentioned it to a co-worker’s wife and her friend that were up here on day but never said anything to anyone else… I suppose I was scared… scared of what people might say or think… I know that sounds stupid but it’s the truth…
I was waiting until my dr. appt tomorrow but the back dr. to talk to him about having a baby and see what he said… do I need to wait a certain amount of time? I’m not about to do something that might mess up my back… then I have an appt with my psychiatrist Monday and then on the 11th I go to the ob/gyn… I had planned to talk to them all and see what their thoughts were on me having a baby… now I feel that if I do that everyone will think R and I are just copying whatever km and her husband do… you know what I mean, like, oh, km and hubby are having a baby so we should too… and that’s so not it… I realize that my feeling like this is really silly but I’m not sure what to do… I have been debating on whether or not to blog about this… I send her a link to my blog when I first started it but I don’t know if she reads it or not… I’m not sure if she even has time right now… I just needed to get it out though… to vent…I suppose we’ll just see where we go from here…
I’m working really hard on staying positive (even though some times it is so much more challenging than other times)… I have finished making my manifestation board… I want to post some pictures of it but I have to find time to do that… I also need to put some pictures up on my manifestation board… I don’t think my manifestation board will work too well if there’s nothing on it for me to manifest…
I’m grateful that I finished creating my manifestation board…

ASPCA

Happy Valentine's Day

4 Things

Four things about me that you may or may not have known in no particular order.

4 jobs I have had in my life
1. McDonald's
2. Quantum Mortgage
3. Wells Fargo
4. Comet Cleaners

4 movies I've watched more than once:
1. Steel Magnolias
2. Grease
3. Casino
4. Pretty Woman

4 places where I have lived:
1. Sleepy Hollow (W.F.)
2. Fillmore (W.F.)
3. Featherston (W.F.)
4. Douglas (I.P.)

4 TV Shows that I watch:
1. Intervention
2. Miami/LA Ink
3. Rescue Me
4. Rob & Big

4 places I have been:
1. Cancun, Mexico
2. Negril, Jamaica
3. Zuni, New Mexico
4. Corpus Christi, Texas

4 people who e-mail me regularly:
1. Momma
2. Keli
3. Jennifer
4. Kelly (Girl!!)

4 of my favorite foods:
1. Cheeseburger
2. Frisco Burger
3. Hot Fudge Sundae
4. Pancakes

4 places I'd rather be right now:
1. With R
2. On vacation somewhere
3. In bed asleep
4. On Mary's table (getting a massage)

4 things I am looking forward to this year:
1. My 5th Wedding Anniversary
2. Working on our "new" house
3. Vacation
4. April 16th

Really??

So R and I went to the cardiologist today... that was about the biggest waste of time... when we got there we couldn’t find a seat… luckily a couple got called back right as we were done checking in… so we sat there for almost 2 hours and then we finally get called back... the nurse comes in and does her thing and then the dr comes in.... he listens to R's chest in the front and the back, says, there's nothing wrong with your heart, but we'll do some tests to make sure... but we can't do the tests today so we'll have to schedule another appt to come back and do the damn tests!!! so he goes back on march 4th for another ekg and a stress test… after the tests we can make another appt to come back and discuss the results... huh?!?! Did I miss something??? Did we really just sit out there for almost 2 hours?!?! For this?!?! and of course all of this is really helping R's stress level out... (sarcasm noted) one more thing, R is now sick... he has the stuff that everyone else has... it's the flu, stomach virus, mess that i had recently....
AND...
Update on momma… this morning she called her orthopedic surgeon (o.s.) and family dr to see if they could get her in… the o.s. was booked but she finally got some cooperation from her family dr… they told her to come in at 3 and they’d work her in… meanwhile, the dr she saw on Friday night called to let her know that a radiologist had looked at her x-rays and said she broke her elbow and needs to be in a “long cast”… she told the dr about her “appt” this afternoon and the dr said she’d call her right back… they told momma to come get her x-rays and take them by a different o.s. and not to worry about going to see her family dr… she couldn’t put a cast on anyways… it has to be an o.s… her x-rays have been sitting on the surgeon's desk since before lunch today... she kept calling today and they finally said, “he’s been really busy, hopefully he'll get a chance to review them tomorrow"...her family dr said that if she still hasn't heard from the o.s. tomorrow afternoon to call her back... hello, this happened on Friday and no one has done anything (or can do anything) about it...
So my question is this… what kind of healthcare is this? We pay damn good money for our insurance and this is the best we get?!?! These are the best Doctors? Hospitals? Clinics? I jacked around with my old back dr for 4 years before I finally gave up and went down to the Plano… personally I think this is a sad sad situation… (Canada is looking better all the time!!!)
Ironically, Saturday night before the Bud Shoot Out several of us were having a discussion about tax deductions (I know, exciting!!! I know you wanna come hang with us!!!) and how screwed up it is that our government allows you to deduct 100% of your mortgage interest but only 2% of your medical expenses… hhhmmm… there is the possibility that even though I had back surgery this year and will probably be paying these damn people the rest of my life (even though I have insurance), our mortgage interest deduction amount will probably be larger than our medical deduction amount… and in my opinion this is completely backwards!!! Ok, let me step down off my soapbox… here’s hoping that the rest of the week gets better than today!!! I mean, it has too doesn’t it???

grateful for... health insurance

Random

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve had a chance to blog… tax season is here and I’m helping km and her sister and mom out (all 3 are cpa’s)… plus bookkeeping for them as well as my “regular” 8 – 5 job and the restaurant stuff… then, to top if off I have all my “household duties”…
R had a dr. appt on 1/30 and she referred him to a cardiologist… we have an appt today at 3:45… he had been having chest pains the week before and wanted to go in for a check up… he has high blood pressure and cholesterol and his family history of heart problems and stuff is horrible…the ekg they did in the office came back “abnormal”… not sure what that means and she didn’t really get into it… hopefully today the cardiologist can tell us more… I know R is really stressed and worried about this and I am too but I’m really trying not to show it because I know that will only stress him out more…

The 1st Saturday in February was our last Saturday off until tax season is over… luckily Kelly had planned Boo’s 30th birthday party for that weekend and we were able to make the trip down there for that!! It was so nice to get away and go visit them!! We had a good time and I’m so glad we were able to make it for Boo’s 30th birthday!!!

Wednesday night I went to a class at the HACC. I’ll get more into that later… I’m really excited about what I learned and about my manifestation board I’m going to make… the things I learned fell right into place with everything else I’ve been learning… I love it when that happens!!!
Friday momma was walking and fell… long story short, she landed face first on the concrete… cut her eyebrow, her nose where her glasses sit, and her upper lip under her nose was all cut… she fell on her right arm… she ended up going out to the clinic that night (I met her and grandma out there after my massage- I tried to tell her I’d take her & cancel with Mary but she wasn’t having it!!!) they wanted to put stitches in her eyebrow but she wasn’t having it… she just wanted her arm checked… the dr. out at the clinic just called and said it looks like she broke her elbow and needs a long cast… poor momma… we don’t know why she fell (that scares me) and I was so scared just seeing her like that… the situation has always been reversed… she has been taking care of me… I’m not saying I mind taking care of her, it’s just scary when it first happens because I’ve never been in that situation before…

Saturday our new windows were installed!!! YAY!!! They look so good!!! It is unbelievable the difference that they make too!!! you have to listen for the highway noise now… it’s not drafty anymore… and the windows don’t rattle anymore!!!

BUD SHOOT OUT!!!! The Bud Shoot out was Saturday night… I consider this the “pre-race” before the Daytona 500!!! Racing season is back!!!! WooHoo!!! I am so excited!!!!

I’m going to actually try to do some real work for a little bit… at least until I have to leave to go with R to the dr… I’ll be back asap to get into more details on some things and update on other things… until then, peace, not pieces…

Cat Facts

Very interesting cat facts (found here)…

Albert Schweitzer’s cat, Sizi, would often fall asleep on his right arm. Rather than disturb her, Schweitzer would write his prescriptions with his left arm and so became ambidextrous.

Almost half the cats on the estate of the late Ernest Hemmingway have six toes. Hemmingway, who shared his Key West home with more than 30 cats, once said, “A cat has absolute emotional honesty; human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.” *I love this quote!!!

The giraffe, the camel and the cat are the only animals to move forward by moving both their right feet, then both their left feet, when walking. This approach lets them move with grace and agility in perfect silence.

Winston Churchill commissioned a painting of his adored orange tabby, Jock, who slept in his bed every night, went to all of Churchill’s wartime cabinet meetings, ate at the same table and was with him when he died.

Cats with bells on their collars are often better hunters than those without. This is because they learn to move without the bell making a sound and become even more stealth-like than other cats.

Turkish Vans, unlike other cat breeds, adore water and have a waterproof coat.

Under the rubble of the World Trade Center, rescuers found three newborn kittens and their mom in a carton of napkins. The queen was named “Hope” and her babies “Freedom,” “Amber” and “Flag.”

Responsible

So instead of working on payroll like I should be doing I decided to blog… I guess I should mention that today is the first day this week I’ve actually had some work to do… Monday and Tuesday were spent wishing for 5:00, reading True Office Confessions, and being extremely bored… and I suppose I didn’t blog because I had all the time in the world… today seems like it’s going to be a crazy day though… it’s payroll day and inevitably if the day is going to fall apart it’s going to either be Wednesday or Friday… R has a dr. appt today at 2:15… he called me last Thursday and said that he thinks he needs to go to the dr. for a physical… his dad had a heart attack at like 50 and in the back of R’s mind whenever something happens I think he’s imagining himself having a heart attack… of course though as soon as I made his dr. appt he’s been feeling fine… he’s still going though!!
Our windows for the house aren’t in yet but that’s ok… unless the installer wants to do it on Saturday I’m going to have to take off work to be there when they install the windows… then momma had a good question… can they get them all done in one day? I didn’t even think about that!!!
As for the living room furniture and the sliding glass door that is on hold for now… (R and I have been working on getting new living room furniture for about 2 years now)… the transmission in R’s truck is slipping really bad, it’s a very good thing work is only about 2 minutes away for him… he kept saying, I feel so bad that we’re buying a new motor and transmission for my truck… my response was, you can’t drive living room furniture to work… it was either fix the transmission or get him a “new” truck… he chose to fix his truck and I’m just glad we have the money to get it fixed…
For a little over the past month or so I thought my car had been running funny but I was having a really hard time telling because of the weather… nope, as of this morning it’s official… there is something wrong with it… the malfunction indicator light came on twice this morning on my way to work… it really scares me when lights come on and stay on… apparently the light is to let you know that there is something wrong with the emissions part of your car or something… I don’t know… I got the book out and was reading it… it was pretty much greek to me but I tried… I called R to tell him the “good” news… he was still asleep (at 8:45- must be nice!) and he said he’d call his dad and see what he says… we have a warranty on my car but I’m not sure if whatever is wrong with it will be covered… now another challenge, when and how am I going to get my car to the dealership…
So today I am grateful that we do have the money to get our cars fixed… (being “responsible” sucks!) :o)

Challenges

When Kelly and her husband were down a few weekends ago we were talking about work and how easy it is to become distracted and disgruntled… up until this conversation I thought there was something wrong with me... at my previous job, at a call center, I loved it when I first started… when I got bored I would transfer to another team and learn a different job… at this job I don’t have that option… I’ve pretty much learned everything that I can learn without stepping on toes… I have no idea if rrll ever plans to retire (he was old enough to retire two years ago but still hasn’t- I would have so already been out of here!!)… I could learn his job but that’s a very sticky situation… and I’m not going there until I’m “told” too…I really love working here and I really don’t want to look for another job so I’m not sure what to do… I’ve been trying to think of ways to challenge myself… I bring a book or magazine to work everyday to read during lunch but don’t have the balls to just bust it out at my desk… I’m not sure that would go over too well… I get so bored with the internet… there’s only so much looking at it I can do… I’m working on updating my resume just in case I decide to look for something else… any ideas?

Icky

i haven't been feeling good for a while now and yesterday i was feeling really bad so i left work early, went to the dr, and then came home and slept... at the clinic the dr. told me i had an upper respiratory infection, an inner ear infection, and a stomach virus... they gave me a shot and some antibiotics... i've pretty much been asleep since yesterday... except for the time i've spent dealing with the stomach virus... i am feeling better though... and that's a good thing... so here's to napping and catching up on all my shows i have dvr'd in hopes that tomorrow will be a much better day!!

since i've been home yesterday Mazzy & Murphy have both been sleeping with me and following me around (even to the bathroom)... they haven't even been being "bad" either... very impressive kitties, very impressive!!!

oh yeah, grateful... what am i grateful for today? i am grateful that i was sick today so that i didn't have to get out this morning and drive in the icy weather... it's only 26 here right now!!!

Pandas & Kitties

i love this place.

they have the cutest pictures with the most hilarious captions... have i ever mentioned (probably only about a hundred times) that i L-O-V-E kitties and pandas!! L-O-V-E them!!!

Ranting & Raving

Today I’m not so calm… at least I haven’t been for the past hour or so… I am pissed… oh so pissed… at rrll and my boss… rrll for not doing anything except working on his church (volunteer) work… he’s so damn concerned with getting his church work done that he puts his work that he does up here (that he gets paid to do!!!) last… um, I think it should be the other way around… anyways, my boss calls me to ask why his youngest son’s youngest daughter isn’t on his insurance… um, well, your lazy ass son and his lazy ass wife didn’t get their paperwork in on time to get her added on… and she wasn’t added on at open enrollment because we didn’t check open enrollment we checked family addition… now my boss is 10 shades of pissed because of all the “technicalities”… well, you know, if you have one kid or one hundred kids insured under our policy it all costs the same and they’re not going to add another kid on there if they can get around it… it’s as simple as that… but what really burns me up is that a year and a half ago when they had their first daughter we went thru the exact same thing!!! The exact same thing!!! Once again it rolls around to your son being lazy and used to having everything handed to him on a silver platter so he just expects for everyone to do everything for him… and hello, I gave his wife the insurance papers right after their daughter was born but it took them forever to sign them (3 weeks!!!! And she comes in every Friday to pick up his paycheck!!!) I even filled them out for them!!! All they had to do was sign them… so while I’m on the phone explaining this over and over to my boss a man walks in… I kinda motion for him to sit down because I’m on the phone and can’t help him right then… my boss keeps me on the phone forever (very unlike him) and finally I holler at dumbass, I mean rrll, to come help them… hello, rrll has a mirror on his door so he can see when someone walks in… I know he can see the guy sitting there… but once again, laziness and church work prevails… and it’s not “his job”… he’s very big on not doing anything that could not be considered “his job”… I just want to scream right now… my head and my ears are killing me… my head hurts so bad and my ears feel like they’re leaking some kind of fluid… I feel like poo and just want to go home and crawl into bed… if the day keeps going like it is I just might do that… I don’t know if I could have fit all this into TOC’s confession box so I thought I’d just get it out here… stupid freaking idiot… doh!!! (it’s a good thing I’ve been working on staying positive and feeling gratitude! Please note the sarcasm…)

What am I grateful for today… ok, today I am grateful for a job to bitch about…

Intervention

I love Intervention… it is such a good show… the episode with brooke, the girl with rheumatoid arthritis, brought up a whole plethora of emotions that I haven’t felt in a long time… chronic pain sucks and it can change a person in so many different ways… it can change everything about them… it did for me… when my back problems first started and we couldn’t get my pain under control my dr. referred me to a pain management dr… the first dr. I saw immediately put me on oxycontin (and laughed when he told me he was going to put me on them, making some sort of reference to Rush Limbaugh) along with several other meds… talk about being messed up… the dr. told me how to take me meds and what my options were when the pain wouldn’t subside… family, friends, & co-workers saw me taking meds… like the girl on Intervention sometimes I would pass out from the meds… that was the sweetest relief… not being in pain… I wasn’t abusing the meds… I was taking them like they were prescribed… my family and some friends didn’t agree… they saw what they saw and thought I was abusing them… how can you tell me that I’m abusing them when you have no idea how I feel… I would do anything for no pain… and if that meant staying doped up and pilled out all the time (and the dr. said it was ok) then that’s how it was going to be… the dr. finally listened to me when I told him that the oxycontin weren’t working… he pulled me off of them (no gradual decrease in the meds) and put me on morphine patches… I had already given R my last two oxy’s and told him that no matter what happened do not let me have them… the withdrawals I went thru were so bad… to this day I have never experienced anything like that before… and I hope I never have too again… my body had become physically addicted to the meds and getting off them was a living hell… before this whole thing happened I could never understand how someone would chose to stay on the meds (or keep using)… after the withdrawals though, my whole perspective has changed… I can totally understand how it would be easier to just keep getting pilled out than to have to deal with the withdrawals and everything else that your body goes thru… I was reading this article about a lady dealing with her addiction and she said, “The withdrawal was horrific, I’d sleep 24 to 48 hours at a time. The worst would pass in a few days. But then I’d look at my life and feel bad. That’s the real pain when you’re an addict: Using hurts, but reality hurts worse.” So true, so very true.
Lucky for me, after getting off the oxycontin and my head cleared up a bit I realized that I did not want to live this way. Something needed to change… so I changed doctors… we worked to get me off all the “hard” medicine and then I was just taking pain pills… breaking the pain pill addiction isn’t as bad as the oxy addiction… I’ve broken the pain pill addiction several times and it doesn’t get any easier but at least I know I can do it… I know I have an addictive personality and I know I need to watch what I do… but dealing with chronic pain is a whole different ballgame altogether and it made me sad to watch Intervention and feel her pain, to understand and know what she’s going thru… my whole back ordeal has really opened up my perspective to a lot of things… and the one thing I keep trying to remember is not to judge someone else by their actions alone, you don’t know what they’re feeling or what they’re going thru…

Ok, now if you’ll excuse me I’ll step down off my soapbox.



I am so grateful that my back problem is no more... it has been taken care of and now I just need to take care of myself.

What?!?!

YAY!!! so i was yakking the other day about windows on the house... we asked for gift cards/money for christmas so that we could replace our windows... ... r and i had decided to only do the front three and then wait until we had the rest of the money to do the rest of the windows...

we've been wanting to get new living room furniture for a while too... and we were kinda looking at a new sliding glass door until we saw how much labor was on the windows (and the door)... anyways, r and i got a check in the mail from our escrow account at our old house... this didn't even occur to me but when we closed on our old house our insurance and taxes were paid and so the money we had in our escrow account was refunded to us!!! Fo' Sure!!! so that was a totally unexpected (and very awesome) surprise!!! so r and i start to discuss different options... maybe do all the windows? front three windows and either furniture or a door??

kb and her hubby were in town this weekend (YAY- we had such a good time!! it was a good way to welcome the new house to the group!!!)... kb and i had to run to town saturday afternoon and when we got home r said that lowe's had called on the windows... did we know what we were going to do? i told him i'd call them sunday... i completely forgot about windows though (hhhmmm, wonder how that happened?!?!) until momma called sunday night... r and i were watching the hearbreak kid when she called... when r and i bought our first house six years ago we borrowed our closing costs from them and paid them back monthy... sneaky sneaky parents (but this time in such a good way)!!!! momma and daddy decided way back then that they were going to put that money into a savings account for us and give it to us sometime... when momma called sunday night she told me about the money and that her and daddy had been talking about giving it to us so we could put it towards a project for the house, like to do all the windows!! (they're not saying that's what we have to do- just an option)... OMG!!! pinch me, tell me i'm not dreaming!!! really?!?!? another excellent and awesome surprise!!!!

so, as of now, the new, improved, and revised plan of action:

i went at lunch yesterday and paid for all the windows!!!! they are ordered and will be here in 2 to 3 weeks... the installer will call as soon as the windows are in and he'll come hang them!!! oh yeah!!! this will help out incredibly on our heat and a/c bill!!! as well as highway noise!!! i am so excited (about some damn windows- of all things, but i am !!!)

new living room furniture!!! YAY!!!! now we just have to go look!!!

AND we're looking at possibly/probably a new sliding glass door too...

the rest will go into savings....

really?!?!? i am so excited!!!!

i'm not sure if it's the watching the thought thing, good luck, my meds are finally all good, or what but i'm really happy... i feel really happy... things are going really good... i think this is maybe how things are "supposed to be"...

i am grateful for all the opportunities that r and i have had (and will have) to better ourselves and our life together...

Gratitude

lately i have consciously been making an effort to "watch my thoughts"... i have been trying to think positive thoughts as well as thoughts of gratitude instead of being negative and griping all the time... i've also been reading several books too... it seems that the underlying message i'm getting (right now) from everywhere is gratitude... gratitude towards everything... being thankful for everything (that i have, have had, and will have)... i wish i could explain how i'm feeling but i am having a very hard time putting it into words... it seems that when i think how lucky i am to have such great family that thought leads to how lucky i am to have such great friends and then onto how lucky i am to have such great kitties and on and on... when i'm in a bad mood or i can tell that's where i'm heading i've been trying to think positive thoughts or thoughts of gratitude... for the most part it has been working... don't get me wrong, it's not 100% foolproof but i've been very impressed with the "results"... for instance, instead of getting raving mad at rrll when he does something completely stupid i am trying to think to myself, i do things he may consider stupid too i'm sure and none of us are perfect... and i usually i find myself pitying him... not in a bad way though, more like an understanding... another example, road rage... that is a big one for me... if you're not driving the way i think you should be (according to how i'm driving at the time because my driving will vary) then you're driving the wrong way... um, ok, really, what sense does that make?!?! so i've been working on that... just driving... staying calm...

so i am going to challenge myself... each day i will find something to be grateful for... something to give thanks for...

so today i am grateful for this blog (and for the person who introduced me to blogging- GIRL!!!) this blog has done many things for me... the top two (in no particular order): it has allowed me to say whatever i want and it introduced me to my blogger sisters!!!

The House

here are some pics of the house... please don't judge based on my horrible photos... i

apologize in advance... i am in dire need of a new camera!!

the front of the house (realtor pic)

standing in the entryway (the kitchen "window" and Mazzy with her lazer eyes on! she loves having her picture taken- she was in the ones the realtor took of our old house!!)

the living room (the view from the kitchen "window")

the kitchen

the dining room

the kitchen (standing in the study)

guest bathroom

green room (aka R's room- we didn't get it painted before we moved in so there is probably a snowballs chance in hell we'll ever get it painted!!)

our bedroom (more maroon than red- bad pics!!!)

the study (a disaster area right now- it's acting as the "catch all" room)

the guest bedroom (right now there's nothing in it but home "decor" i have out trying to figure out if i'm going to use or not; oh yeah, this is not my paint job!)

for the house having such hideous colors the only 2 rooms i'm really wanting to paint are the green room and the purple room... the color of the master bedroom and the guest bath somehow managed to work out pretty good... i love our bedroom!!!

TOC

I posted on True Office Confessions (TOC) today!!!

True Office Confessions

Portionpals

momma "recycles" all her old magazines to me... reading one of the magazines this weekend i came across these new things called portionpals... i'm not sure if this would work for me or not... i found this very interesting though... any ideas or thoughts? do you think it would work??

portionpals

2008

I feel like I have been so busy… but then when I think back about what I’ve been busy with I draw a blank…. So anyways I feel like I’ve been busy…
I have decided that going back to work after vacation sucks… but at least I get a vacation so that I can complain about having to go back… the first “week” back (ok, really only 3 days) weren’t too bad… I’m all caught up now from vacation…I think it was a good thing that vacation was over though… the kitties and I seem to do a little better with some sort of structured routine… (although I do believe that we could find a routine if I was lucky enough to get to quit work- one day!)
R and I decided before the holidays that we were going to ask for gift cards to either Lowe’s or Home Depot, one or the other, so we picked Lowe’s… and after listening to our single pane windows rattle from the wind and the highway noise we decided that we would buy new windows for the house… and surprisingly we are excited about the windows… Saturday night we went to Lowe’s and picked up our quotes… we asked them to quote the front windows and then the rest of the windows… we only have a total of 8 windows to replace but to replace all 8 of them would be right around $4,000… having the front 3 (that all face the street) replaced will be around $1,700… (when R and I were pricing windows we discovered that most of the windows we need actually cost less than the labor to have them installed)… labor is $160 a window… and like the living room and our bedroom have “one” window but they’re actually two windows put together to make one window (does that make any sense??)… so it’s really $320 to have those “two” windows installed… quite tricky the Lowe’s people are… anyways, we have several options… we could just have the front windows done or go ahead and have them all done… we could have them all done by financing them thru Lowe’s for a year interest free or from our savings account… both of those options make me a little nervous right now though considering we haven’t even made our first house payment yet… I’d kinda like to see how everything is going to fall money and bill-wise with our new house payment…. anyways, new windows are coming soon and I’m so excited!!!!
I decided this year not to really make any new year resolutions… why set myself up for disappointment and failure so early in the year… but I do need to do something about my weight… I got on the scale this morning for the first time in I don’t know how long and was shocked but not too shocked… I’ve been avoiding the scale because I can tell that I’ve been gaining weight just by the way my clothes are fitting… it’s a good thing I didn’t get rid of my “fat” clothes after I lost all that weight 2 years ago… otherwise I would have no jeans to wear… so right now I’m debating on joining weight watchers again or just trying to go it alone… alone doesn’t seem to work for me though… I do miss my skinnier self and my self confidence that went along with it… that’s the great debate right now…
R and I were productive over the weekend… we got a lot of stuff done around the house… and today the cleaning lady is coming to clean so hopefully when I get home tonight I can take pics of the house and post them… I’m really excited… the house is looking so good… I just hope that the kitties are ok with the cleaning lady though… Murphy will be but it’s Mazzy I’m worried about… when the doorbell rings she runs and hides under the bed… I can only imagine what she’s thinking with some stranger in the house cleaning… and then when she runs the vacuum… poor Mazzy… hopefully she’ll get used to her though…
So far 2008 has been a really good year and I’m hoping this trend continues!!! I just keep reminding myself of all the good things in my life… and of all the good things to come!!!

Nipped Out

i never cease to amaze myself... i think, man, i'm on vacation, i have all this time to blog, and never do!! oh well, what can you do... anyways, Christmas was good although i am always glad when it's over...
an interesting note, Murphy has figured out how to open doors... i always thought he was kinda a slow kitty, now i know better... he just acts slow... but yes, he can open doors!!! and bless his heart, he's been on weight control food (and i've been feeding him the amount to lose weight) and he's still gaining... poor guy!!! i have decided i'm going to get him a leash and harness and take him out back for walks... i bought him a harness but it doesn't fit... he's a happy cat though!!!
the kitties got a catnip bouquet from Dirt... Dirt is my brother and his wife's cat... (he is so cute, he looks cross-eyed)... here are some pics of the kitties and their bouquet... (more like nipped out of their minds!!)
from our furry family to yours, Mazzy, Murphy, R, and I wish everyone a Happy New Years!!!

Merry Christmas

Santa Paws

Dirty

when r and i bought our house we discovered that the ice maker wasn't working... r read thru the manual to see what the problem was... the fridge won't let the ice maker work if the water filter is clogged... long story short, we decided to order a new filter... i was looking online (at work of course so the manual was at home) and was kinda having a hard time figuring out which one to buy... there wasn't a black one... there was a white one that looked like the black one but it was white... so this was the dilemma i found myself in... so i chanced it and bought two!! they arrived in the mail today and guess what!!! it is the right one AND i think at some time ours was white too!!! but here's my thought... the fridge is less than one year old, so it's only had tap water running thru it for less than one year... i have been drinking tap water my whole life... up until the last year or two... this is just dirty!!! (i apologize for the crappy photos... i'm blaming it on the camera until we get a new camera!)

Kitty Condo

i'm always talking about getting a kitty condo for the kitties... while our house was on the market and we were packing, we always had a ton of boxes at the house... (well, we still do, just at another house now).... one night R built a kitty condo for Mazzy and Murphy... it was a ghetto kitty condo but still a condo at least... the good thing is that it could be easily expanded, remodeled, or changed in just a minute...

(this is the scaled down version of the kitty condo, it didn't even occur to me to take a picture of it before!)... it was so cute though, the kitties loved it!!!

Puzzled

I am puzzled… and have been for several days now… especially after a conversation that R and I had last night… yesterday T, my boss, asked if he gave me a raise if I would still get the mail in the morning on the way to work… I was going to get it until I heard otherwise but I said sure, no problem!! The move has decreased R’s driving time and his stress significantly… my drive time and stress has increased though… I’m pretty sure that the stress increase is just from the move, still not having everything unpacked & in it’s place, and lastly from being so unorganized!!! I am so ocd, obsessive compulsive, and anal that it’s not even funny… having the house in such a crazy state is taking its toll on me… yesterday I left for work without my purse… and didn’t even realize it until I went to get some chapstick and my purse wasn’t there… so I had to turn around (almost halfway back to town) to go get my purse… it might not have been so much of a problem had my wallet, drivers license, and the post office box key not been in there… anyways, needless to say, my mind has been very distracted lately… back to my confusion though… when R and I were first talking about moving I knew that my commute (I use the term loosely because it only takes me about 20 minutes to get to town) would get longer… no biggie… I’m not sure if this even crossed R’s mind or not… now that we’ve moved I have the privilege of getting up earlier and leaving the house earlier so that I can get the mail and still be at work by 8:30… not a problem… back to the beginning of the story, last night I told R that T gave me a raise and he was like, excellent, that’s great!! I agreed… then he said, so, do you get to be at work at 9:00 now since we’ve moved? I said, no… it’s still 8:30… his reply was, well, you still have to stop and get the mail… um, yeah, I do… but he gave me a raise to supplement the extra driving I do… I don’t/didn’t expect T to tell me that just because R and I chose to move I could come into work later… going into the move I knew this would be a “sacrifice” on my part… it’s not a big deal though… now R is all, I’m sorry that you’re having to drive more and get up earlier… my reply was, I knew that was going to happen… so now he keeps apologizing for me having to get up earlier and drive more… it’s really no big deal… I had been wanting to move for several years… now was a logical time (for the most part) because of the restaurant… if he’s less stressed because he’s closer to the restaurant then that works for me… my work stress is pretty much just at work stress… sometimes I’ll bring my stress home with me (usually always due to a co-worker, think rrll, not because of my job) but it’s not like I own WMP… I don’t have “that” stress of owning the business…
So the reason I think I’m so puzzled is because R and I are business owners… my perspective on a lot of things has changed since we opened the restaurant… and for him to not really understand why I still have to be at work at the same time even though we moved is beyond me…

On a completely different note though, the kitties were looking outside this morning and they spotted a fluffy black and white kitty walking across the street… I think they thought we had moved them into a kitty-free town!! They went buck wild!!! They are so adorable!! I’m so happy that they are adjusting well!!!

The Move

It seems like it’s been about forever since I really had a chance to do anything besides pack, move, and unpack… and of course, all of the oh-so-fun stuff that comes with moving… the move wasn’t actually all that bad… we closed on both houses on Thursday… that went smooth… the movers got all our stuff moved with no problems… the only “odd” thing was when we got to the new house they were asking me where I wanted everything… um… I had no idea… so we just started randomly putting stuff in various rooms… the double garage was packed full to the brim… so anyways, the movers get all our stuff moved in (now the house looks like a tornado hit) and R and I are kinda like, where do we start… I decided that I was going to wash the sheets that came off the bed (they were in the dirty clothes basket) so that we could make the bed… I started the washer and the next thing I know I hear momma holler SH!T!!! and if you know momma you know that she never cusses (unless something pretty “major” is happening)… she had good reason to holler though… water was flooding the dining room floor and the garage was in the process of flooding… (and like I mentioned earlier, the garage was packed full- mostly of cardboard boxes)… we stopped the washer and realized that the washer drain pipe was clogged up… good thing km just lives around the corner… she saved me!!! she came by, picked up my totally water soaked sheets along with a new set of sheets, took them home, and washed and dried them for me… Friday I discovered that the garbage disposal and the light above the sink didn’t work… and Saturday I discovered that the ice maker wasn’t working… but, never fear, the plumber came on Saturday and fixed the washer drain… R figured out that the water filter in the fridge was all clogged up and that was what was wrong with the ice maker… here’s what’s been on my mind since then though… the ice maker automatically shuts itself off when the filter gets so dirty… the water line running to the fridge is just regular ‘ol tap water… R went to try to clean the filter and it was black… when he was holding it under the faucet to try to clean it out the water running out of it was black… it was so disgusting… that’s what we drink?!?!?! The filter needs to be replaced every six to nine months and I’m not sure how long that one had been in there but yuck!!! if the water is doing that to the filter is it really safe to drink? Up until a year or two ago, I’d always drank tap water but then I started buying bottled water…
The poor kitties… I felt so bad for them when we started moving… they’ve known that something’s been going on for a while now since we rearranged the furniture and had been packing… strange people coming in and out all the time when we were showing the house… then the movers came and they got crazy!!! Luckily we put them out on the screened in back porch while the movers were there… momma said Mazzy kept trying to open the door… she kept butting her head against it trying inside and finally gave up and hid under the steps… R took them to Iowa Park and when he got to the new house we put them in one of the spare bedrooms… Mazzy & Murphy both hid in the closet until I finally picked Mazzy up later that night and started carrying her around… she was purring but she had her claws imbedded in my shoulder… she proceeded to hide under the bed for the most part of Friday… she started coming out a bit on Saturday, until the Dish guy got there… then it was back under the bed… Murphy is a bit more social and not quite such a scaredy-cat… they are settling in and getting more comfortable with the new house though… (even though we had the house and carpets cleaned you can still kinda smell dog in there and I think that might have been part of the problem too…) poor kids!!
Anyways, we are working on getting everything put back together and trying to find a place for everything else… it’s starting to look more and more like a home… it’s coming along nice though… only nine more working days and then I’ll be on vacation so hopefully I can get a lot done then…
Things have been really crazy at home and at work… at home because of the move and all… and at work because like I said, we only have 9 days left until vacation!! I’m ready for things to slow down a bit… soon enough though, soon enough! Bonus- I just looked at my calendar and I have a massage on Friday night!!! YAY!!! An hour of me time to relax and de-stress!!!!

23 Hours

23 hours... that's how long i spent working on the house this weekend... momma, daddy, and i painted the study, kitchen, living room, and hall... we got almost everything finished... we need to paint the molding in the living room and then one small bottom part of a wall... not too bad... r got for the most part everything moved that the movers weren't going to move and then some... now i need to pack the rest of it up... yuck, packing sucks... the carpet cleaners are coming at 9 in the morning... r is going to meet them there too, even better!! i plan on finishing up the molding tuesday night... wednesday afternoon the lady is coming to clean the house... then thursday the movers come and we close on both houses... moving is not one of my most favorite things to do... it'll be over before we know it though...

Another Week

It seems like I’ve been going a million miles an hour and from the way things look I can’t see life slowing down any right now… Saturday after Thanksgiving was a friend’s 30th birthday party… I suppose I should mention they had 3 kegs… it was really fun… I had a great time… it’s times like this when I think, going out isn’t all that bad… (or it could have been the fact that we had all been drinking for about 4 hours… oops!)
This week has been crazy… I’ve been working and packing… and packing… and packing… trying to get all the calls made for the utilities and all that fun stuff… lining up the carpet cleaner and the lady that’s going to clean the house… tomorrow we get the keys and it’s ours… we’re leasing the house until we close on the 6th… that way we can paint and get it cleaned up… R is going to move stuff this weekend that the movers won’t move… I’ll be painting… I think we’ve got a good plan of action though… I hope so because I certainly am stressed… I’m hoping that once R gets “his” stuff moved out I won’t be so overwhelmed with the packing… packing stinks!!!
I finally found someone that offers high speed internet across the highway… I called at&t because they said they offered it but like I said, wrong side of the highway …you can get dsl from at&t if you live on the other side of the highway… on our side, nope… that doesn’t really make sense to me but no biggie… we can still get high speed internet… when the at&t lady told me that she could offer us dial up I was like, no!! not dial up!!! then I started picturing my life at the house with no internet and it really made me sad… and of course thinking about that made all sorts of other kinds of crazy thoughts pop into my head… I feel better now though…
Anyways, I’m clock watching now… waiting on 5:00 so I can tackle my million mile long to-do list… I’ll be back as soon as humanly possible!!

Thankful

it seems that most of the time the holidays are a stressful time for me... seeing family that i only see a few times a year stresses me out... i always felt like i was meeting new people (and tht really stresses me out)...what i finally realized is that they're my family... and seeing them a few times a year shouldn't stress me out... yesterday was such a good day... thanksgiving was amazing!!! i can honestly say it was one of the best thanksgiving's that i've had... we weren't sure if daddy was going to be here but he got home right around noon... YAY!! we had a new addition to the family in july so precious baby bailey was there... she is too cute!!! and she's so good!!! (to be honest bailey had me stressed though i have no idea why)... and it's always so good to see my brother and his wife... i'm so glad they moved back to texas!!
last night we had a few people over and it was fun!!! normally this too would stress me out but it didn't... r's brother was here... as well as a friend that we've both known forever and then another friend of r's he's known forever and his wife... we drank beer and just hung out (well, mike and i drank red draws, i love a good red draw!!!)... it's good to catch up with people you don't see all the time...
r and i were talking and we both agreed this one of the best and least stressful thanksgivings we've had... i have so much to be thankful for and i need to "know" that... and i think i finally do... it's almost like i finally understand... my life is filled with good things and good people... i realize how lucky i am to have such great things in my life... and i need to continue to realize that... not just one day either, every day...

Happy Thanksgiving

Back to Good

Today things are all back to good… I guess I was just tired or something yesterday… after work I went to jw’s and hung out… I’ve been going over there on Friday’s after work… I like it… so I went over there and then came home… today I went to see Mary… I love her… she is the best massage therapist… I made another appointment to go see her the Friday after Thanksgiving… she does such wonders for my stress knots!! So that was awesome… It’s only Saturday night, not even 7:00, and I’ve got all the laundry done as well as payroll and have paid the restaurant bills… YAY!!! I’ve got the rest of the weekend free!!! Tomorrow is the last race this year… Carl can’t win the Cup Championship but that’s ok, he won the Busch Championship!! Go Carl Go!!!
I think yesterday was just a kinda down day… just feeling a bit under the weather… but today I’m feeling so much better!!!

Blah

I am constantly amazed at how fast my moods can change… this week was a really good week… I hadn’t even thought about having a not-so-good day until today…. last night right before R got home I got really tired… like couldn’t even hold my eyes open tired… I got the daily sheet for the restaurant done and crashed on the couch… I vaguely remember waking up sometime later and stumbling to bed… I slept hard all night long but it wasn’t a good sleep… I was restless and kept having really bad night sweats… when I woke up this morning I realized I even forgot to turn my alarm clock on (that never happens)… when I woke up this morning I was tired… I’m still tired… like dead tired… dragging… I have no energy… and I’m freezing… I’m not in a bad mood, I’m just not in a good mood… I’m just here and blah… I don’t know if I’m trying to catch something or what… I just keep closing my eyes and almost drifting off to sleep… at least it’s Friday though!! and I just keep trying to remind myself that tomorrow I get to go see Mary (massage therapist)… she said she will only do my head, neck, and shoulders… that she’s stopping at my bra line because she doesn’t want to mess anything up regarding my back surgery… I go back to the doctor the Tuesday after Thanksgiving so hopefully he’ll release me for massages… that would be nice… anyways, it will be nice to have her work on my neck, shoulders, and head… I have lots of nice stress knots that I grew just for her to work on… I hate to wish time away but I’m ready for 5:00!!

Very True

Still Smiling

i got off work early today to go meet our realtor and the inspector... i had to stop by the house before i went out to i.p. (my capris had a blow out- i'm blaming it on the washer/dryer; they didn't have a hole in them when i wore them last, at least not that i noticed)... sorry, i'm getting way off topic here... ok, where were we... oh yeah, the blow out... so i came home and changed into some shorts (it was 86 here today, it was 68 this morning when i woke up- we've had the windows open forever it seems like)... ok, so i get home and there's a box on the porch... and it's not just any cardboard box, it's a pretty cardboard box... it has pears and confetti on it... my first thought was, i wonder if ups dropped this off at the wrong house... but no, my name was on it... so now my curiosity is killing me!!! i go inside, acknowledge the kitties but they aren't lavished with attention like normal... so now their curiosity is up... we all go into the kitchen and i finally found the scissors that i so cleverly hid for the open house... inside is the most beautiful gift basket from harry and david!!! it has pears, nuts, cheese, and moose munch (chocolate!!) in it!! Gina and Kim, my blog sisters, thank you so much!!! you two are so incredibly sweet!!! i absolutely love it!!! i've been smiling all afternoon because of it!! this means so much to me!!! sorry about the butchered pictures, they don't do the basket any justice!!

p.s... the kitties can't get enough of it either... the handle is kinda ridgy and it's like their own personal head & ear scratcher... they say thank you too!!!

More Good Things

It was a good weekend… it was so nice not to have anything to do… well, there’s always stuff to do but nothing pressing that we had to get done… so we didn’t do much… Saturday night I went out to eat with jw and some girls I used to work with at cingular (now at&t)… I might not have had a whole weekend away but dinner with the girls was really good… I got to see a couple of friends I haven’t seen in years!
The inspection on our “old” house was Friday and we haven’t heard anything back about anything he wants (or needs) to get fixed… I’m taking that as a good sign… today is the inspection on the house in i.p… I’m leaving work early today to go meet with the inspector at the end of the inspection to see what he says… I’ve got my fingers crossed it’s good news!!! If all goes well I’m going to maybe go to the store tonight on my way home and look at paint chips… I love to paint!! I’ve got my camera with me too so hopefully I can remember to take some pics… there are some on the realtor’s website but I was going to take some more…
The restaurant seems to be doing better and that’s always good…
On a totally different note, I got on the scale this morning and woah… I mean!! I knew I had gained some weight back but I had no idea how much… I have so got to start watching what I eat!!! And walking… to be honest I haven’t been walking at all… I know that would help with my back and with my weight… I’m just not really feeling the desire to do it though…
My back is good… I have some discomfort when I sneeze and cough (and lately that’s been all the time- the weather is crazy here!!) but I think that’s only because it’s so forceful… R told me, don’t sneeze so hard… I have no idea how to do that… if I try to hold back it hurts too… so I would say that I am pain free!!! No more back pain!!! And that is amazing!!! I go back to the dr on the 27th… we’ll see what he has to say… hopefully I’m getting to the end of wearing the back brace!!!
Life is good… I just need to stay positive!!!

The single biggest hurdle that prevents people from trying things that they would really love to try..... is fear of failure. Successful people embrace risk instead of run from it. Successful people also fail many times along the way..... sometimes one time right after another.
"Failing forward" is learning how..... when things don't go your way.... to just take a breath, regroup, and bounce back higher and harder.
With the words "failing forward" imprinted in your mind, when those inevitable failures happen (and they will.... the more and more chances you take), you'll always be reminded that you're not taking a step backwards when you fail... you're taking a step forward, towards your goal.
It's okay to fall down five times...just as long as you get back up at least six times. And every time you get up, you'll be stronger, wiser, and better suited to take on the next challenge.

Good Things

Good news!! R and I are in contract officially as of Tuesday night on our “old” house… the guy from the showing made an offer, we countered, and he accepted… his inspection is tomorrow morning at 8:30 so let’s hope all goes well!! we’re waiting on our guy to sign the new contract on the house in I.P. and then we’ll be in contract and we’ll set up our inspection… technically we were/are in contract on the one in I.P. but since there were so many changes on the old contract they drew up a new one… so, tentatively our closing date on both houses is December 6th!! YEAH!!! if all goes well we could be in our new house by Christmas!!!
Which brings me to my next thought… the holidays… Thanksgiving is two weeks away from today… I can’t believe it!! I talked to my brother today and him and his wife will be here for Thanksgiving! I’m really excited because they weren’t here last year!! It will be so nice to have everyone here together… and then comes Christmas… now I’m back to the age old question what to do for Christmas gifts?!?! Money is tight this year (no surprise there) so I’m really trying to be creative… any ideas?!?! Momma and Daddy loved the mugs that I had made with pics of Mazzy and Murphy on them last year… I must say they are pretty cute!! ideas anyone??
The trip to Port Aransas is not happening… I’m so ok with this though… long story short, km wasn’t going because of a death of a close friend… her sister didn’t really want to go and we all know I sure didn’t want to go… but after we found out Tuesday night that our counter offer on our house was accepted I wouldn’t have gone anyways… simply because I’m going to need some time off work to deal with all the house stuff… if I hadn’t had 7 paid weeks off in August and September I wouldn’t mind asking… but since I had all that time off I feel really bad asking for more… all in all though, I’m glad we’re not going… to be honest, I think it would have been more stressful than fun…
My mood is much better and I just need to remember to stay positive… good things are happening!!! I hope (think) this means that things are taking a turn for the better!!

This describes exactly how I feel about Mondays…
R and I had a good weekend… Saturday we packed, cleaned, and he moved furniture… we worked and worked and worked… the house looks so much different… I just hope something happens soon… the new furniture arrangement in the living room isn’t near as comfortable as the old arrangement was… but now we have a better “flow” thru the living room… the open house was a success… our realtor said we had 4 different groups of people show up and each group had at least 3 or more people in it… so that’s always good!! One guy wanted to make an offer but he hadn’t been pre-approved at the bank yet so our realtor took him a loan app from the bank… I’ve got my fingers crossed… at least R and I know that we have done all we can and we did the best we could… we de-cluttered, moved furniture, and cleaned up… maybe something will happen soon…
Daylight savings time… I love it when we “fall back” an hour… it’s much easier for me to get out of bed when the sun’s up… and I love it getting dark earlier… especially when it’s really cold… but man, when the time first changes it takes me a while to get used to it… the kitties too… now I’m hungry at the “wrong times”… my sleep pattern is all crazy… and the kitties, besides them always being crazy, they’re crazier and now their meal times have changed… which only adds to the craziness!!! But we’ll get it all worked out!!
Yesterday was the race at TMS- Texas Motor Speedway… km, her husband, her sister and her husband, and others all go down and camp out… that has to be awesome!!! But the stands hold right around 200,000 people and that’s a whole lot of people!!! They said yesterday that you could fit 52 Texas Stadiums (where the Cowboys play) inside just the infield of the track!!!! Woah!!! That is huge and that is a lot of people… anyways, Carl sucked it up… bad… he had a problem from almost the beginning of the race and they didn’t get it fixed until it was too late for him to recover… there are only 2 races left and it doesn’t really look good for Carl winning the Cup Championship… although he did clench the Busch series Championship this weekend… very nice!!! Way to go Carl!!!
I’m starting to have second thoughts about going to Port Aransas this weekend… things have been pretty good between R and I lately… we had a really good weekend… and as corny as this sounds, I already miss him and I’m not even gone… the only time we’ve spent nights apart (since we met) was the night of our bachelor/ette parties and then when I was in Plano for my back surgery… plus I’ll miss the kitties like crazy!!! I’m not a big being-away-from-home person… I’m very much a homebody (read: more like a socio-phobe)… anyways, right now I’m really not wanting to go… I know it would be really good for me to go and get away but we’ll see what happens… plus, I feel bad leaving R here by himself… I know, I know… what is wrong with me?!?!
The price increase at the restaurant really seems to have helped, so far anyways… now it seems like our main problem is finding a waitress to work from 11-4… I thought that would be one of the easiest slots to fill… apparently I was wrong… last week we didn’t have an 11-4 waitress and right now we’re not sure if we’re going to have one today or what… it seems like it’s always something…
I suppose we’ll just have to see what happens and what this week brings… (hopefully this week is better than last)…

i love this... it is too cute... this was me in the middle of the week...

i am feeling better today... i'm hoping things are on the upswing now!! i just need to work on staying positive and looking at all the good things in my life...

the yard work is done thanks to momma and daddy... my back "instructions" say no yard work for a couple of months... (on the 6th it will have been 3 months!) but they said they had it, lets not take any chances... i have no idea what i would do without them... they are such good parents... so i was packing some more stuff up (i would say de-cluttering but there's so much junk!!)... in between loads of laundry... i've got plans to clean the house today like it's nobody's business!! there are just a few more things i can pack up before i need r's help... so i think i'm off to eat a turkey sandwich and get back to work... i'm kinda getting excited about the open house... i just hope someone makes an offer!!

Stopping By

i'm still here... things are going, some days better than others... the middle of the week was better than monday and better than friday has been so far... i'm not sure if it's my bipolar-ness acting up or if it's just because i'm letting myself get so stressed... but then i wonder, does everyone feel this way or is it just me? do i just not have good coping skills? (well, i know i do need help in that area)... how do other people stay so calm? or at least come across as being calm?
the open house is sunday... r and i have been packing up some of the clutter at the house... he's been moving some furniture around to make the rooms look bigger... tomorrow i'm cleaning the house like there's no tomorrow... the restaurant seems to be doing better since the price increase... things between r and i seem to be getting better for the most part... we still have our days but at least we're working on it...
my back is still doing great!! no pain!!! it's been 3 months since my surgery and my back couldn't be better!!! it was a total success!! and i have realized that it is worth every penny to be pain free!!!
on a better note though, november 9th thru 12th i'll be in port aransas with the girls... there are 6 of us going total... let's just say that there is the potential for drama there... i'm excited though, it'll be really good to get out of town and get away for a few days... and it will give r and i some time and space... which i think we need... i don't consider me going to plano time away really... so i've got my fingers crossed that the open house will go good and that next week will fly by... keep your fingers crossed too...

...

The depression has crept back in (pretty bad)… it’s been back for a while which somewhat explains my absence from here… I’m just so tired of being down and being sad (well, if I’m not sad I’m extremely happy- the perks of being bipolar)… it seems that there’s a lot going on right now and most of it makes me sad… it seems the good things are few and far between… the restaurant isn’t making any money, it’s not even paying for itself… we’re still having to borrow money to keep the restaurant open… and we can’t keep borrowing money much longer…we are about tapped out… but we did have another price increase over the weekend which should help… R and I have talked about the restaurant and that we can’t keep borrowing money so I kinda feel like this might be our last big push or effort to keep the restaurant going… I hate to even say this… it makes me feel like a failure… and I know R would feel that way… I just keep thinking, what were we thinking? Before we opened the restaurant things were so good… we were almost debt free (except for our house) and now we’ve gone right back to where we were in the beginning with all our debt… he’s really trying hard to make the restaurant work since we’ve had our talks and it breaks my heart because I’m so scared it’s not going to work… on the good side though, not owning our own business would be so much more stress free… I wouldn’t have to work all weekend long… R wouldn’t be as stressed as he is now… and he would be bringing home a paycheck which means we wouldn’t just be living on mine… I miss him, the old him, I miss doing stuff on the weekends, not being so tired and stressed all the time, I miss the way things were…
Which leads me to moving… I would really like to move to iowa park but I’m not sure if that’s going to happen… right now we’re still waiting on an offer on our house… we’re in contract on one in iowa park but it’s contingent with us selling our house… I’ve read that home sells slow way down before Thanksgiving and don’t usually pick back up again until closer to Spring… I’m stressing that… our realtor is having an open house on Sunday so maybe that will generate some interest… I’m stressing that because there is so much stuff that we want to do to the house before the open house but I feel like we have no time… and a lot of it is stuff that I can’t do… moving furniture and stuff like that… I am going to try to get some stuff packed up in boxes so maybe that will help…
As you’ve probably picked up from earlier, our finances are super tight… living on just my income is extremely hard… to be honest, I have no idea how we’ve made it as long as we have… last week I opened the mail up and discovered that even though my back surgery was in network apparently some of the doctors in the operating room were out of network (which I didn’t know, I assumed that since the hospital and my dr. were in network everything/everyone else would be) and now I owe the back institute a little over $8,000 on top of the other medical bills I’m trying to get paid off… I’ve got a little over $11,000 to pay off, just for my back… and I am stressed!!!
And to top it all off, R and I aren’t getting along so good… ok, things have actually been really stressful and we haven’t been getting along good at all… Sometimes things will be ok but for the most part it’s been hectic… we’ve talked… he’s not happy, I’m not happy and I’m not sure what we need to do to make us happy… I said I just want things to go back to the way they were before and he said that he doesn’t think that’s possible… so I have no idea where that leaves us or what to do…
All I know is that lately I feel like a failure, like I can do nothing right and my whole life is crumbling down around me… I know it’s not and that things can always be worse but right now I’m having a hard time really embracing that… so here’s all my “dirty laundry”… keeping it in wasn’t helping so maybe getting it out will help…

Here and There

things have been very busy lately but that’s ok, everything is starting to calm down… the 2nd tax deadline is over Monday, the 15th… so there’s not too much more of that left then it will just be keeping books for km…
yesterday was Kris’s funeral… it was good but sad… I liked what the Pastor had to say and the way he said it… it was very fitting and comforting…
our house is still showing… this is a good thing… we just need a buyer now!!
Last night I looked out the back door and there were 2 BYK’s laying on the concrete… it still breaks my heart… I just try not to look at them…
The first Saturday in October there’s always a Knights of Columbus dinner that T invites everyone up here too… km and her husband met r and I there… they have door prizes and then 4 “big” drawings… the grand prize drawing was a $750 gift certificate to united supermarkets and a $750 gift certificate to walmart and guess what?!?! I won it!!! on top of winning 2 door prizes, a $25 gift certificate to olive garden and then another $25 gift certificate to on the border!!! Km and the hub won 2 door prizes too!!! I am so dang excited about winning the grand prize… that’s like someone giving us $1500!! I can buy groceries at united and then when we move I can buy paint and anything else that we might need at walmart! Now how perfect did that work out?!?!
Last Wednesday I went to the dr. for a bacterial infection and am still not feeling better… she gave me a steroid shot to help kick out the infection along with antibiotics but I’m not feeling any better… in fact, I’m feeling worse… I’m going to stick it out as long as I can, see what happens… she did blood work and her nurse called me on Friday to ask me some questions… one of her questions was if I was taking a water pill… I’m not even sure what a water pill is… she asked how much water I drank a day and I told her between 100 and 120 oz. at work plus whatever I drink when I get home which is almost always unsweet decaf tea… she told me that I didn’t need to drink so much water… it’s not good for you… apparently I was flushing out my electrolytes and all the “good things” that my body needs and of course an electrolyte imbalance weakens your immune system… so did my surgery… so now I have been instructed to drink Gatorade each day… my only thing, I’m not working out and I’ve heard that if you’re not working out and you drink Gatorade it can make you gain weight… I’m not sure if that’s true or not but that’s just what I heard… then I found out that you can actually die from drinking too much water! What is that all about?!?! Anyways, I’m just doing what I’m told…
And I have got to start walking again… since I’ve been back at work I haven’t been walking… I’ve had a lot of stuff going on but after the way my back has felt lately and the 3 hours of sleep I got last night I have decided that come hell or highwater the walking is going to start again… last night I couldn’t even move without waking up in excruciating pain and I could not get comfortable… It reminded me of Charlie horses but all of my belly/mid-section and my legs... bad!… the kitties normally walk all over us during the night but last night mazzy put her paw on my leg and I came up out of the bed so fast it was scary… it’s a different kind of pain than what I had before… I can tell this is from not walking… so tonight I am walking!!! I need some sleep and some good sleep on top of that!!
I suppose I should actually do some work now… not that I’m really wanting too but I suppose I should… maybe I can get everything done then try to reconcile the restaurant’s checking account… nothing but fun!!!

Ups and Downs

Lately my mood has vacillated between happy and sad… I don’t know if it’s because there’s such a “variety” of things going on or what… so, the list of goings on:
• The BYK’s (back yard kitties) are gone… a decision was made to stop feeding them since we’re trying to sell the house so I quit feeding the kitties… I saw two of them out there last night waiting for me and it broke my heart! Tonight when I was coming home there was a kitty in the street… (not alive)… just laying there… and that really upset me…
• I’m in the process of getting over (read: taking antibiotics) for a bacterial infection… sinuses? I don’t know, I don’t know what that means and for once I’m too lazy to actually look it up… normally that’s the first thing I do… she said I have a lot of fluid on my ears… makes sense since I haven’t been able to hear!!
• I haven’t been walking because I’ve been so busy and haven’t been feeling good… I started feeling really bad Sunday and since then my walking has pretty much been non-existent… and I can tell too… my back is stiff!! I mean!!! I’ve had my walking shorts and shoes with me this week in case I got a chance to go walk around the lake but didn’t get the chance…
• It’s already the beginning of October and we’re still in the 90’s… last night at 10:00 it was still 78 outside… that’s just nuts, but that’s our weather for you! I am ready for fall though!! Ready for cooler temperatures!!!
• I’ve been helping out with Round 2 of tax season… if you filed an extension then your tax return is due October 15th… so that’s what we’re working on now… I’ve started keeping books for km but right now it’s tax time… it’s just really nice to get to work over there with them… it’s like working with family… everything is so relaxed and comfortable…
• We came to an agreement on the house we like in I.P. We made an offer, he countered, then we countered and now they’re making the changes to the contract so it will all be “legal and binding”… we came up $4000 from our original offer and he came down $3900 from his original price… exactly where I wanted to be!! Now all we have to do is sell our house!
• Our house has been showing like crazy… I would say it averages one showing a day… and considering the housing market right now that’s pretty good… no offers yet but when the right person comes along it will all fall into place..
• Here’s the main thing that’s been on my brain this week though…

ABILENE -- The Abilene Police Department has requested assistance from Texas Rangers for the investigation of the death of a 27-year old man who was brought into police custody after 5 p.m. Monday on a public intoxication charge. Abilene Police arrested Kris Rupe after they were called about a disturbance in the Quail Hollow Family Housing. Police say Rupe was aggressive and throwing bricks and they had to use pepper spray to restrain him. Police also say that Rupe had to have his feet restrained in the patrol unit because he was still combative. During booking at the Taylor County Jail, the suspect began having breathing difficulty. An ambulance took him to the hospital, where he died. Rupe’s body has been taken to the Tarrant County Medical Examiner’s Office for an autopsy. Police would not say whether Rupe's death was drug-related.
"At this point, that is just speculation," said Sgt. Joe Tauer, APD's public information officer. "But there is suspicion as to whether he was under the influence of some kind of intoxicants."
According to his driver's license, Rupe's address was in Wichita Falls. Abilene police said they did not know if Rupe had moved to Abilene, if he was in the U.S. Air Force, or if he was staying with a friend at the apartment complex. The Dyess media relations office did not immediately return a telephone message Tuesday afternoon.
Assistant Chief Mark Moore said investigators with the Texas Rangers, a division of the Texas Department of Public Safety, often investigate deaths of people who die in police custody. Ranger Juan Lozano will lead the investigation. Abilene Police and the Taylor County Sheriff’s Office are cooperating with the Texas Rangers investigation

According to news archives, the APD's last in-custody death occurred in October 2006, when Jeffrey Trotter, 27, died after police found him rambling and in possession of methamphetamine. **very odd**very similar situation**

GIRL!’s (aka kb’s) husband and r had known kris for years... they were the friends you still keep in contact with, maybe just on occasion but sometimes not… hindsight is 20/20 and I guess looking back you could see from about age 12 that he wasn’t going to have a “normal” life… there is so much history there… in this one person… the number of people he affected in both so many good and bad ways… I honestly had no idea that his death would really make me stop to think about a lot of things… we always joked about how something crazy would happen to him… but that’s the way it would happen because that’s the way he lived… he was cracked out, literally... But, I honestly believe he was a “good” guy… there was good in him… wasn't there??

I was “talking” to one of my friends about this and this was our conversation:
Me: I guess it makes me think about all the friends I have that could be in that situation…
S: You just have to remember that 90% of people in situations like that put themselves there through the choices that they’ve made.
Me: You are exactly right (not a big surprise) but it still makes me sad for them… and then the people they’ve “left”… too soft-hearted huh?
S: No, not too soft hearted. You never stop caring for them, you just realize that you can’t always save them.

That's exactly what I needed to hear. Now, that's what I just need to know and understand, you can't always save them.