Monday, February 25, 2008

Random

I wish I had the guts to do what I wanted to do for a living… first I need to find out what it is I want to do…

Change your mind ... and EVERYTHING changes.

You know it is bad when you wake up depressed!

I notice more and more days where I'm filled with a nearly uncontrollable rage.

Sometimes I think my life is so shitty, but I know on the outside, to others it looks pretty good. I don't know which one I should believe.

Right when I think you could not be more of an asshole you kick it up a notch.

Beloved one, may you always know that "the force is with you."
May you experience moment after moment of grace, presence, and awareness of the good in yourself and in the world around you.
You are precious, valuable, worthy, capable, and loved.

These are just some of the thoughts (and bits and pieces I've borrowed from all the True Confession websites) that have been running thru my head for several weeks now… my emotions have been a roller coaster… up and down… I thought it was just pms now I’m not sure what it is… I’ve been taking my meds, even though I was thinking about quitting them before my emotions took over and started on the roller coaster… I do have a dr. appt with my psychiatrist Monday… this morning when I was leaving for work the kitties looked so sad to see me go (probably because I’m never home anymore- I’m always working- and when I am home I’m still working)… I was ok until I got to work and then I just wanted to cry…
R and I have been busy… work, work, and more work… I’ve been working at my “regular” 8- 5 job then working after work either over at the office on tax returns or at the house on bookkeeping… yesterday I worked from the time I got up until 8:30… R and I were in bed and asleep by 9… (on the good side, I am almost thru gathering up all the information for our taxes)…
I have a dr. appt at the back institute tomorrow that I am really looking forward too (a day off from work)…
Last Tuesday km found out that she’s having a baby… her first dr. appt is tomorrow… hopefully she’ll find out how far along she is… I am so excited for her but yet I have mixed feelings inside me… and I know where these feelings are coming from… I just don’t know what to do about them…
Back in December I blogged about something that I’d been doing some heavy thinking about but never published it… I just saved it as a draft because I was scared to publish it… R has been bringing up babies for several months now… I have a suspicion that he’s ready to have one… I mentioned it to a co-worker’s wife and her friend that were up here on day but never said anything to anyone else… I suppose I was scared… scared of what people might say or think… I know that sounds stupid but it’s the truth…
I was waiting until my dr. appt tomorrow but the back dr. to talk to him about having a baby and see what he said… do I need to wait a certain amount of time? I’m not about to do something that might mess up my back… then I have an appt with my psychiatrist Monday and then on the 11th I go to the ob/gyn… I had planned to talk to them all and see what their thoughts were on me having a baby… now I feel that if I do that everyone will think R and I are just copying whatever km and her husband do… you know what I mean, like, oh, km and hubby are having a baby so we should too… and that’s so not it… I realize that my feeling like this is really silly but I’m not sure what to do… I have been debating on whether or not to blog about this… I send her a link to my blog when I first started it but I don’t know if she reads it or not… I’m not sure if she even has time right now… I just needed to get it out though… to vent…I suppose we’ll just see where we go from here…
I’m working really hard on staying positive (even though some times it is so much more challenging than other times)… I have finished making my manifestation board… I want to post some pictures of it but I have to find time to do that… I also need to put some pictures up on my manifestation board… I don’t think my manifestation board will work too well if there’s nothing on it for me to manifest…
I’m grateful that I finished creating my manifestation board…

3 comments:

kellykellykelly said...

we should talk...i think we can relate to each other on this subject.

love u

Gina said...

The thought of babies make me hyperventailate...wait you know what, let me email you on this...

kilax said...

I know A LOT of group of friends who all got pregnant around the same time! I think it has nothing to do with copying someone, but it has to do with being at that similar stage in your life.

I am so sick of work right now and never being home. All I think about during the week is work. Sometimes it makes me cranky. I think to myself - "this can't be it? this can't be my life? is this how it's supposed to be?"