Monday, October 29, 2007

...

The depression has crept back in (pretty bad)… it’s been back for a while which somewhat explains my absence from here… I’m just so tired of being down and being sad (well, if I’m not sad I’m extremely happy- the perks of being bipolar)… it seems that there’s a lot going on right now and most of it makes me sad… it seems the good things are few and far between… the restaurant isn’t making any money, it’s not even paying for itself… we’re still having to borrow money to keep the restaurant open… and we can’t keep borrowing money much longer…we are about tapped out… but we did have another price increase over the weekend which should help… R and I have talked about the restaurant and that we can’t keep borrowing money so I kinda feel like this might be our last big push or effort to keep the restaurant going… I hate to even say this… it makes me feel like a failure… and I know R would feel that way… I just keep thinking, what were we thinking? Before we opened the restaurant things were so good… we were almost debt free (except for our house) and now we’ve gone right back to where we were in the beginning with all our debt… he’s really trying hard to make the restaurant work since we’ve had our talks and it breaks my heart because I’m so scared it’s not going to work… on the good side though, not owning our own business would be so much more stress free… I wouldn’t have to work all weekend long… R wouldn’t be as stressed as he is now… and he would be bringing home a paycheck which means we wouldn’t just be living on mine… I miss him, the old him, I miss doing stuff on the weekends, not being so tired and stressed all the time, I miss the way things were…
Which leads me to moving… I would really like to move to iowa park but I’m not sure if that’s going to happen… right now we’re still waiting on an offer on our house… we’re in contract on one in iowa park but it’s contingent with us selling our house… I’ve read that home sells slow way down before Thanksgiving and don’t usually pick back up again until closer to Spring… I’m stressing that… our realtor is having an open house on Sunday so maybe that will generate some interest… I’m stressing that because there is so much stuff that we want to do to the house before the open house but I feel like we have no time… and a lot of it is stuff that I can’t do… moving furniture and stuff like that… I am going to try to get some stuff packed up in boxes so maybe that will help…
As you’ve probably picked up from earlier, our finances are super tight… living on just my income is extremely hard… to be honest, I have no idea how we’ve made it as long as we have… last week I opened the mail up and discovered that even though my back surgery was in network apparently some of the doctors in the operating room were out of network (which I didn’t know, I assumed that since the hospital and my dr. were in network everything/everyone else would be) and now I owe the back institute a little over $8,000 on top of the other medical bills I’m trying to get paid off… I’ve got a little over $11,000 to pay off, just for my back… and I am stressed!!!
And to top it all off, R and I aren’t getting along so good… ok, things have actually been really stressful and we haven’t been getting along good at all… Sometimes things will be ok but for the most part it’s been hectic… we’ve talked… he’s not happy, I’m not happy and I’m not sure what we need to do to make us happy… I said I just want things to go back to the way they were before and he said that he doesn’t think that’s possible… so I have no idea where that leaves us or what to do…
All I know is that lately I feel like a failure, like I can do nothing right and my whole life is crumbling down around me… I know it’s not and that things can always be worse but right now I’m having a hard time really embracing that… so here’s all my “dirty laundry”… keeping it in wasn’t helping so maybe getting it out will help…

2 comments:

mannyed said...

Hey Court...

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I really hope that things will look better soon. Maybe the price increase will be a good start to an positive upswing. Don't give up hope yet! You and R are stressing over the restaurant and that gets in the way of a relationship you are trying to build with each other. That would happen to anyone.
You can always go online to HGTV or something and pick up some house selling tips. Light candles, remove clutter, little things you might not have thought of.
That is very annoying about some of the doctors not being out of network, like you can say, stop operating on me, you're not in my book. That just sucks.
I'm going to to pray that something starts working in your favor. I think that if you have luck in one area, your whole outlook will change. Wishing you good luck! You can always email me to vent anytime!

kilax said...

Oh Courtney, I wish I could meet you for lunch (on me), give you a big hug, and let you spill it all out.

Even though I don't know what it is like to run a restaurant, I think you and r should be very proud of yourself for what you have accomplished! It means a lot to say you own your own business. Imagine what you can tell your kids (or friends ;)) in the years to come about all your experiences! It's not a failure if you have to close - it was an adventure!

That is ridiculous that the doctor was not covered, and I wish there was something you could do about it. But does your back feel better? Was the surgery worth it? It sounds insane, but the debt may be worth living pain-free. Steven and i have a lot of debt - and a plan to pay it off. It's something we live with.

I hope you can work this all out babe. I am thinking of you! Keep your chin up and cuddle a lot with Mazzy and Murphy! :)