Monday, March 03, 2008

The Craziness Continues...

This is going to be another random post… jumping from here to there… ranting, raving, crying… who knows what all it will encompass…
Lately I spend all of my time working… I have four jobs… yes, some of them are “seasonal” but right now I’m working 4 jobs… my job at WMP, taking care of the Cedar Tree stuff, bookkeeping for km and co-workers, and tax time… I do miss having free time but I know that I won’t be working this hard for too much longer… tax season round 1 is over in a month and a half… speaking of taxes, I really need to finish getting our stuff together so we can file… I’m so close to being done but there is so much to get together this year I’m a little overwhelmed… I’ll get it taken care of though… hopefully this week…
GOOD NEWS: Carl won the race in Las Vegas yesterday… Race 3 of the year and he’s won the last 2!!!! I worked while we watched the race yesterday… it was a really good race too!!! he had an issue during post-race inspection so we’ll have to wait and see what the outcome of that is… but he did win!!! So far it’s looking like a good season for Carl and the #99 team!!!
“Real” Life:
This morning I had an appt with my psychiatrist… this was one of those times I didn’t want to go because I knew he was going to upset me… (I think if I phrase it like this it makes me feel better- I was already upset I just knew he was going to ask questions and then I’d have to talk about everything and get even more upset but that’s just part of it)… I do love my head shrinker dr though… he is really awesome… so we’re changing my meds up… increasing the dosage on two of the billion I take…
I’ve been super emotional lately… some of the blurbs I mentioned two blogs ago are really appropriate… being angry, waking up depressed, thinking my life is shitty, and so on… I feel I have been trying to do everything in my power to stay positive and to keep an upbeat attitude but I feel like it’s not working… I’m tired, worn out, and have no motivation… trying to get myself to do anything is a battle… I’ve been taking everything super personally…. Needless to say I’ve been an emotional wreck lately… so this morning at the dr I didn’t even bring up the fact that I’ve been thinking about babies… if I can’t even keep myself in check and in control how am I going to take care of someone else?!? I go back in two weeks though to see how the med adjustment is doing…

I've also been eating like crazy... like there's no tomorrow... besides trying to shut everyone out, I think this is my way of trying to deal with everything, to just eat... I bought a pair of jeans maybe three weeks ago and they are already getting way too tight!!! I hate this and I have to do something about it but it seems that all I can think about is food...
The weather here has been absolutely nuts for several weeks… yesterday it was 82, today we have a chance of snow- up to 3” (with a high of 40- that was this morning when I woke up)… and tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 60’s… maybe that’s why everyone is still sick and can’t get over this crap that’s going around… I’ve been battling the flu/sinus nastiness for the 2nd time… R has it for the first time, still, and can’t shake it… he’s been thru one round of antibiotics and he’s still sick… it seems that almost everyone is sick with this stuff and it lingers… once you get it you can’t get rid of it…
One final rant before I go… I try so hard to be a nice person and to help anyone out when I can… it seems that the more and more you try to help certain people the more and more they take advantage of your niceness… then they expect you to do everything for them all the time… like I don’t have enough of my own stuff to do and take care of… I’m not saying I mind helping people out or mind doing stuff for people it just frustrates me to no end that people take advantage of your niceness…
Today I’m grateful for my psychiatrist and my wonderful understanding willing-to-put-up-with me and all my craziness husband…

3 comments:

Gina said...

Hmm, perhaps some of the medicine is to blame for the increase in appetite? Just a thought. Don't get bogged down my all these feelings swirling around. Just deal with them one by one and continue to feel grateful and alive even when you just want to take a looooong nap. Keep fighting the battle, Courtney - you'll win. Plus this working four jobs in your life will end soon - it won't be like that forever.

kellykellykelly said...

You need a day off...with so much going on no wonder you are waking up mad or wanting to cry...there isnt enough time for you to take a pee in peace you know? i think you are wearing yourself out. see if there is one day that you can take for just you or you and R you need it. just take one day at a time...i think with everything that is going on thinking about the future (babies) should be postponed until life calms down a little bit so that you can think about it with an open mind instead of think about it and stress. you and i still need to have our conversation when there is time. love you girl...keep up the hard work, but dont forget the most important thing of all...yourself.

kilax said...

The blahs have hit the entire country. Don't feel guilty for being so emotional. I think you are doing well to stick it out for this long (working four jobs!) without snapping.

I think Kelly's right - a day off would be nice! But we all know how hard those are to get sometimes...