Christmas Present

momma and daddy got this for me for christmas... normally, i hate pink but this, omg, it is too cute... pink and camo, most excellent... i love me some camo too... (i have a snow camo shirt i love.. it's like blue, purple, black, and white camo, it is so cute!!!)... plus the pink camo shirt is a "carl" shirt!! i love it!!!

Mmmmmm!!!!

i mean, no words needed but ouch!! he is hot!! that is my man, carl edwards, #99 driver for the nascar nextel cup... hey baby... hehe
km, her husband, km's sister and her sister's husband, plus about 20 people all go down to texas motorspeedway every year to watch the races... we at tms are lucky enough to have 2 races here each season!!! one is a chase race!! km and the rest all went, camped out for about a week, and had an absolute blast!! man, i would love to do that but more than that, i would love to go to a race- well, a whole race weekend, the truck, busch, and cup races... it really is do-able too!!! dang, that would be so awesome!! maybe we can try to make the november race (that's the chase race!!)... hopefully it'll be an excellent year and that would happen!!! and oh yeah, if we go i am going to have to see carl in person!!! he's your small town boy who grew up racing, southern, just basically a "good 'ol boy"..... and he also has a huge gorgeous smile (i love it) and blue eyes!! and a great attitude (i'm trying to learn from him!!)!!! he also, has a killer backflip!!! oh yeah, i am now officially an "edhead"... yeah!!! a carl edwards fan!!!
2005, which should have really been his rookie year (but he ran more than 7 races in 2004) kicked ass and took names... he came in 3rd in the chase... i mean dang!!! talk about impressive... but that's ok.... 2005 was great, 2006 was ok- lots of bad luck (and you really can have bad luck in nascar)... but 2007 is going to be an excellent year for carl!! he's going to make the chase and kick some ass!!! i have nascar fever bad!!!! i am working on getting a countdown to daytona on my blog... WOOHOO!!!!!!!

ok, just a few more pics.... the backflip pic is at atlanta in 2005....

Awakening Session

this morning i had to go to the post office before i went to my awakening session.... i had been behind this lady in a brand new escalade for a while and she was driving like a crazy person, you know, waiting til the last minute to turn, crap like that, and not using her blinkers... sorry, but that is one thing that drives me crazy, not using your blinkers... i had already gone into the post office and come back out by the time that she was going in... i rolled down my window and said, m'am, i have a question for you, i see you're driving a brand new escalade, do blinkers not come standard on those? i mean, if it's an option i would like to know just so that i can be on the lookout for new cars so that i know that they may or may not have blinkers... she just stared at me so i drove off... normally this is something i would just rant about in my car and not actually say but for some reason today i did... i was pissed... then there was this lady/man (couldn't tell) but they were older than dirt trying to back out of their parking place and going the wrong way... damn already, take their license away before they kill someone!! i just started bawling after that... idiots!! i know, i should be able to deal with this, in the big scheme of things it's not that big of a deal but i guess i've just had it... with everything... until i went to my awakening session with jon, the "founder" of the community arts healing center in town... i've learned so much from him, now if i could only put it into practice like i know i should... they say it takes 21-28 days to make something a habit... i need to do this, for my sanity as well as for the "safety" of others...

this is what his website says regarding an awakening session:
The body is very complex, consisting of four main aspects. Those aspects are the spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical bodies. I have never seen complete, long-lasting recovery and health without addressing all four levels of an individual.
I have found that most people are willing to work on the physical body but shy away from working on their mental attitudes and habits, or their emotions. People will usually visit a chiropractor, doctor, or massage therapist to address the physical but avoid dealing with their emotions. These people do get relief from these modalities, but the relief can be slow in coming and short-lived.
The problem with just addressing the physical is that behind every physical illness and pain lurks an emotional or mental component/issue. If we only deal with the physical we miss a big part of the equation and total health and happiness is not achieved. To have true lasting health there must be a resolution not only within the body but also within the mind and heart!
I have extensively studied techniques that address the self in this holistic manner. I have found that a more complete resolution takes place when the body is approached on all levels. Up until now I have limited myself in the type of work I do for fear that these deeper modalities might not be appreciated or even understood. However, I have come to the point in my own growth that it has become necessary for me to work in this way with my clients. I feel that if I do not address all these aspects of healing, I am not giving all that I can to my clients. And It’ is very important for me to give 100% to the people I work with.
Bottom line: If we are not ready to address our emotional and mental issues then we are not ready to have complete health and happiness. This may sound a little harsh but it’s not meant to. It is simply the truth. Facing and defeating our mental and emotional demons is what the spiritual journey is all about.
My work consist of mental and emotional clearing techniques (EFT and PEAT) followed by physical (massage and stretching) and energetic (Reiki, BodyTalk, etc.) modalities. Depending on the time allotted for a session I can usually do two to three techniques if necessary. Each session I do builds on the one before. I still provide relaxing and deep tissue full-body massages for those of who enjoy the physical experience of a massage. However, if it is an illness and pain free body-mind that you’re looking for, I believe that these techniques are mandatory.

moose paid for my session today as my christmas present... she knows how stressed i've been and she's been going to the classes with me at the center... she told me about her session and about how he had brought up issues that she had been repressing but that were still affecting her in various aspects of her life... jon did the same for me... i really don't want to get into some of the issues right now, i'm still processing and digesting them but i feel so much better and so much more relaxed.... from the muscle testing he did, we found that one of the medications that i've been on for a long time has been "blowing out my body".... draining me of "life", making me more depressed, and basically in general not good for me... the valium he said is not doing me any good... it doesn't help me anyways, i can't feel it... he cleared some of the toxins in my body and said that i may feel ill or like throwing up for maybe the next 24 hours or so.... i told him, no biggie, that's what i've pretty much been doing since christmas eve eve... he said that the throwing up could be caused by all the stress that i've been under lately and that it's probably my body's way of trying to clear out the nastiness.... i have thrown up once since i got home and my tummy is terribly upset but that's really nothing new... i need to go to the mall and return a gift and get something else but that can wait... physically i'm not feeling up to it right now... i'm exhausted... mentally i am feeling better and more calm, which is a very good thing...
i feel like what i blogged last night was mean but i know that everyone has regrets of some sort... i'm not saying i regret where i'm at or who i'm with, i was just having some issues i needed to get out... hopefully later tonight i can get out my binder with my center/jon info in it and start going back over it... i think that will help a lot!! it is now nap time...

Crummy Christmas

I don’t really know where to begin with this… all I know is that I am so sad, I feel like I have this big empty hole inside me… which should be filled but isn’t… at least I feel like it should be filled… it just hurts so damn bad inside and I don’t know how to fix it or what to do… I just want it to stop and go away, leave me alone!!!
R’s brother came over Christmas eve eve and they started watching a movie… I was asleep thru most of it but woke up thought, oooh, I don’t feel so good, I’m going to bed… threw up before bed… woke up, r was in the shower, and I barely made it to the trash can in the bedroom when I started getting sick again…. R got out of the shower and took the trash out… sometime in the middle of the night, while still getting sick, I started throwing up “out of the other end”… I was up all night long getting sick… I called momma Christmas eve day because we were supposed to go over there about 3 or 4 and told her that we couldn’t come over because I was sick… she said no worries, just let her know about Monday.... I told her that I was feeling better and that I wanted to go to grandma’s… r and I went to momma and daddy’s… santa had came so we looked thru our stockings and then opened our presents…. Up until I got sick I was so excited about momma and daddy’s presents…. They weren’t much but they were so cute… 2 coffee mugs… each one had a pic of Mazzy on one side and Murphy on the other… the “right” one said merry Christmas grandma/grandpa… love Mazzy & Murphy 2006…. I still wanted to be excited about them but I couldn’t be… one side of me was thinking, how lame… that’s all you get your parents are 2 coffee mugs!!! I know it’s not the size of the gift but the thought that counts… momma and daddy always always ALWAYS take care of us and make sure that we have a good Christmas/birthday whatever it may be… what I always wanted in life was to be able to repay them for everything that they have done for me… and so far I’m still having to rely on them… I should be way past that point…. After we do presents at momma and daddy’s we go over to grandma’s for lunch… my cousin and her husband live around the dallas area and are running a little behind because she has morning sickness and a cold… we start eating, everything is still all good, get thru eating, I’m sitting there and all of the sudden I’m like mom, can I have your housekey? I get the key, go next door and throw up Christmas dinner… I walked back over to grandma’s and r and I left… I was in tears I felt so bad and that was embarrassing for me… I HATE to cry in front of other people!!! You would think I would be used to it by now seeing as how lately i can’t control anything, especially my crying or my anger….
Which brings me to my next set of circumstances that upset me… 2 major things, 1 thing I finally realized about r and 1 thing that I “regret?” the one thing I guess I finally realized about r… I mean, I guess it’s always something I knew but just thought that maybe would change… you know how the old adage goes, you cannot change people… I want some traditions just for us… you know, like on our birthday we always go and do this or around Christmas we do this…. Something that we do together as a couple… I saw how his family was before we got married but I guess I didn’t really think too much about it… god, I do not want to say this, how many times over the past two years have I thought, have I made a mistake?? Is this really who I’m supposed to be with? Would I allow myself to make a mistake like that? Which leads me into circumstance 2…. This was/is the worst one for me… momma told r and I today that my little (the only one I have) got engaged on Christmas eve (they went to visit her family somewhere way up north)… his fiancée is beautiful, smart, tiny, tan, blonde, and just so horribly nice it makes you want to puke… you (well, years ago I would have) looked at her and been like, ah, what a stuck up b!tch… she has matching traveling louis vuitton luggage… her dad went to tiffany’s and bought her a pair of diamond earrings for graduation… I mean, she has everything!!! So momma says that scott, my brother, went to tiffany’s and bought her a ring… her step-dad had bought them train tickets for a little 8 mile ride that served a 5 course meal and I don’t know what else… at the end of it he proposed… I don’t care that he bought her ring at tiffany’s… what hurts me the most is that when my future husband proposed to me I wanted it to be something so special… km and kb both had special proposals… I was so in on km’s too… ah, such a good plan and it worked out SO well…. She promised me that she would help whoever I decided to marry do something like that for me….i guess all wishes don’t come true… I guess I just feel like there were things that were important to me (and obviously still are) but I “sold out”… didn’t wait long enough, whatever, however you want to say it… it sounds horrible anyway I put it…
R and I both got Christmas money this year… most of it together but we usually split it unless there is something we decided to do jointly… this year, we’re splitting it… mine is going into the checking account to pay bills and I don’t know what he’s going to do with his… he said he needs to start “stockpiling” it… I’m sorry, I don’t know if this is selfish or not, it seems that I just give and give and give and he just takes and takes…. I feel like he never considers me first… not all the time, just once in a while!!! I always try to think about him or us first…
I don’t know if it’s just this time of year, pms, or what is going on with me but this has got to stop!! I have got to pull myself together!!! I took a pg test two Mondays ago and it said negative… I really hope to whatever higher power is out there that this is not what is going on with me right now, so me that i could do whatever i wanted to do with my life...i wanted to be an olympic swimmer for the US team (coach always told me i was good enough) or a pediatrician.... i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... not a good thing… I’ve been trying to keep myself sane by eating pills, pills, and more pills… but that’s not working anymore… I’m tired of trying to keep up the “cheerful disposition” and act like nothing’s wrong… I feel like if you look at an overview of me from the outside you see a happy, happily married, hard-working wife, who is stressed (and doesn’t deal with stress very well) but is doing the best she can… if you could see the inside of me, you would see a train wreck… I just feel like I’m one big disaster on the inside… I can’t tell right from left, up from down… something has to give or I’m going to break… sorry for such a cheerful happy Christmas story… not this year
growing up i dreamed of being a pediatrician or an olympic gold medalist swimmer(coach always told me i was good enough, one of the best he had seen)... but i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... things that seemed so important to me at the time, well, they're not important now... i only wish i had my priorities straight back then.... one day i will have a job doing what i love... being at the pool all day swimming, taking care of kitties, whatever it may be, i will have a job i love... people who have jobs they love and are passionate about are so extremely lucky!!
Ah, yes, one more thing… the other night murph was sitting on his front paws, like with his legs sticking out, but his paws under his body and I said, murph is so cute and he looks so comfortable… the first thing that came flying out of r’s mouth was, Murph you’d better not sit like that or you’ll need $2700 cortizone shots like momma does… I haven’t even mentioned that dr.’s appt to him… he’ll blow a gasket… I can’t help it dammit!! What am I supposed to do?!?!

I'm Back!!

it is so good to finally have a chance to catch up on the blogs that i've been missing this week and to actually blog (with no guilt!!)

week in review again:
sunday- worked on the inventory template all day long... got both weeks of inventory in the file.. very glad to be done the template...

monday- worked- hard!! i have been so busy the past two weeks, between my work and then the restaurant stuff.... whew!! i've had so much to do and have been so busy i haven't had a chance to blog at work or home! i wish i could clone myself!! came home, worked on some more numbers for the restaurant...

tuesday- worked-hard again!! worked until 6ish (normally i'm out the door right at 5!!) went to eat at the restaurant with momma and daddy....

wednesday- still working my butt off!! busy as hell!! left at 5, hair appt... went to walmart after i got my hair done...

thursday- damn, at least vacation is in 2 days!! stayed until a little after 7!!! busy little bee i was and have been!!

friday- ah, busy as hell again but, i had lots of help!! j and rrll both helped me with my billing so i would do done earlier (i did come to realize that sometime rrll isn't that bad!... t let everyone go about 3... i finished up around 3:30 then stood around and shot the sh!t with a few people.... went to drop off my ham, t gives everyone a ham each year... big ones!! came home, cleaned the house, r got home, did the daily register sheet, and finally started on payroll... working on payroll i kept falling asleep for like 10-15 minutes at a time.. finally got it done though... i went to bed at 2:30 this morning... dang, i am tired... that's ok though, today is only day one of my 10 day vacation!!! that means i will have more free time to spend around here!! i miss it!!
i do have a few things to do for the restaurant and around the house but it's all no biggie... later i want post a few things i've learned so that i can find them easy... not now though... off to continue with the laundry and having some pampering time for myself... deep breath in, deep breath out, just relax...
OMG!! i was reading this and can't believe i forgot to post this!!! r bought me my first present ever!!! i was so excited and it made me so happy!! he bought me an ipod charger and player for my car... i love it!! he wanted kill zone for his psp and i just happen to have the most amazing friends that sent me a copy of it!!! i only hope kb and her hubby know how much that means to me!! the are friends that everyone should be so lucky to have!!

This Week

i have been so busy... actually having to work at work makes me feel like i am crazy behind, in all areas of my life... i feel like i have a ton of things to get done and i am stressing myself... it's saturday morning and i am pressuring myself to get started working on numbers... i even feel bad blogging... this thought will not quit running thru my head, numbers, numbers, need to get the template done... ah, why do i do this to myself?
bonus: i did so see mary last night for an hour massage... ah, physically i feel better... some of the stress is gone...
my week in review: also, things that i learned this week...
sunday: very very good day... the day r and i had "the talk"

monday morning: woke up in a good mood... not even hating to go to work...
8:30am - 11:30am: throwing up, so much rrll asked if i needed to home... it had to be bad for him to ask me that...
11:30am: throwing up quit...
11:30pm: - 2:30am: laying in bed and the tummy starts hurting...the throwing up starts again... finally quits around 2:30am tuesday morning...

tuesday:
8:10am: standing in line at the post office waiting to pick up mail that wouldn't fit in the box... oh no, i get that throwing up feeling again... kept it down til i get outside... finally get to my car and loose it... ugh... i stood in line for 35 minutes!
11:00am: it stops....
middle of the afternoon: i understand... withdrawals from my pain meds and/or anxiety meds... we changed the anxiety meds last time.... i hadn't taken any pain meds in maybe a day...

thursday:
8:15am: dr. appt for my back... they want to do another mri since the pain has been on my left side as well as the right side... the right side is still the worst.... but it was never before on the left side... so another mri and schedule me for another round of cortizone shots... damn, i want to "get it fixed" but that is so much money... my last set of shots, june/july 2005... i made my last payment on them october this year... right now that is something i don't feel that i should even consider... dilemma...

saturday: laundry, work on inventory numbers, payroll...
my to-do list keeps getting longer and longer but that's ok, 5 more working days until we get a 10 day vacation... that's something else i keep saying to myself... 5 days...

Observing Your Thoughts

this came in an email this morning and i thought it appropriate considering what i blogged about yesterday...
The emotions you have that are related to your relationships could make you feel ill at ease today. Perhaps it is because of your empathetic connection to the people closest to you that any form of upset or disturbance has a direct impact on your own mood. Knowing that this tension you feel is not permanent and that no matter what may happen with your loved ones, the only thing over which you truly have control is your own thoughts could help you feel a greater sense of comfort with your emotional state today. When you become aware of disturbing thoughts today, you might watch the thoughts as they go through your mind—rather than fighting or changing them, try to simply observe them. You may find that your thoughts may not be related to any immediate event in your life but that they are a series of random images and ideas that can directly affect your mood.Watching our thoughts helps us see that our emotional reactions are more often a product of our minds instead of a response to an immediate incident. Our minds tend to hold onto events that trigger emotional responses, which are even stronger if our family or friends are involved. Seeing the stream of thoughts as they float by us can make it easier for us to detach from their emotional influence, which can lighten our disposition. By understanding the ways your thoughts influence your emotional reactions, you will feel more comfortable with the feelings you have today.

On My Mind

i have so many things on my mind right now it's not even funny... so many different random things... i don't even know where to begin... it seems that when i have a lot on my mind i want to blog, a lot... all i want to do is blog.... i think it helps to get the "clutter" out of my head...
r and i had a really good sunday, the "talk" included... it was one of the best days that we've had together in a while... i really enjoyed it.. we laughed, cut up, it was nice... even got a package packed and a shipping label printed so i can drop it at the post office tomorrow.... one of our ebay items... YEAH!! i just hope things keep selling!! extra money will be nice!! the restaurant has been busier!! a lot busier!! r and his head "evening" cook took inventory on saturday... i've got to get prices in there so we can see what our most expensive and inexpensive items are... we're going to re-work the menu, raise and lower a few prices, not much though... cut out some items, add others in... our morning waitress called saturday and told r that she has heard, from several different people, that one of our competitors is getting really nervous and is really thinking he is going to have to close... that would really leave only one "real" competitor.... that's great news for us... it kinda makes me feel bad but business is business i suppose....
r went to vacuum tonight and when he unplugged my phone charger i noticed that for some reason my phone was dead... it had been charging (or so i thought) since last night... um, someone, mazzy, chewed thru my charger cord... r has already had to splice it back together about 3 or 4 other times because of her... i don't know if it's going to last much longer... needless to say, my phone is now charging... i just hope one day one of the kitties don't chew on the wrong thing!!! mazzy is sleeping on my lap right now... so precious, even though she's a little devil sometimes... hehe... her and murph have been too cute this weekend...
even though r and i have been having a really good day i can't seem to quit thinking about my dream last night... wondering, should i call him? is that even a good idea? why do i want to talk to him so bad?? (if i do get christmas cards- going to try to do that tomorrow night- i was thinking about sending him one)... they say that when you think about someone you haven't thought about in a while it means that they're thinking about you... i feel guilty but at the same time, we were just friends... well, for the most part... sometimes, on occasion, more, but for the most part, just friends... during the day i've also thought about what i've heard from different people... things that we said to one another... different various random things just seem to pop in and out of my head... i don't know if it's "normal" to wonder where you would be in life now had you made different choices? looking back, man, there were so many different roads i could have taken... i'm not so sure what's going on with me and my mind right now... why i'm thinking and feeling what i am... i know it's only been a week since i started my new meds... dr. b said that i could potentially start to feel them in a week or so... i don't know if this is me feeling them or what?!?! i've been really emotional though, crying... stupid things like commercials or something that happens in a show... nothing "important" i should say... i just feel like, damn, what is wrong with me?!!? am i abnormal??? what is my problem?? am i just looking for trouble once things seem to settle down and go good?!?! i sure wish i had some answers...

Thinking

i cannot quit thinking about this… last night I had a dream… it was very weird… I don’t remember how it started but this guy that I’ve known since I was little was in it… we ran into each other somewhere and started catching up… the next thing that I knew we were back at my parents house in my room talking… the way we used to do… for years I thought that we would get married… we both talked about it… I honestly really believed it.… something happened between us and things were never quite the same… before and after things got weird (especially after), I had very strong feelings for him but I wasn’t sure how he felt about me… I always felt he wanted the “trophy wife” and I would have been so far from that… after we quit talking, I ran into him and then I started to let him handle my retirement accounts… we talked after that occasionally, but things were weird… r and I were together and living in an apartment and it seemed he kinda had an attitude towards r and my thoughts were, you don’t even know him… I wonder if we kinda fell out of touch because we weren’t meant to be together… it’s not that I’m not happy with r, I guess I just wonder where I would be if I had made different choices.. .
the dream… my room looked exactly the way it did when I was living at home… we were just laying on my bed talking and he said, I love you and I’ve loved you for a long time… I just laid there, stunned… I didn’t know what to say… in the dream, r and I were married and I was like, you know, this isn’t really good timing… I’m married! Why didn’t you say something years ago?
Don’t get me wrong… I haven’t talked to him in years… sometimes I think about him and wonder what he’s up too… I wonder how he’s doing… one of the last things that I heard about him is that he’s living at home and he was working at an “ok” job…. I only say “ok” because when we were in college he wanted to work on wall street and I knew one day he would… I really thought he would… at one time he ended up with no car, his mom had to drive him to work, this was when he was managing my retirement accounts… he just kinda seemed to go downhill… I don’t know why… I just hope it wasn’t because of what happened or what didn’t happen because of me… I’m not saying that everyone’s life revolves around me but I just wonder… I really would like to talk to him???

R and I talked this morning… we didn’t even talk last night… that’s ok though, we got it all worked out… it actually wasn’t bad like I thought it would be… we just talked, calmly… both of us… it was actually good… it seems that we don’t really have time to talk much so we just kinda hold everything in… we both agreed to communicate more and that we would both try to help each other out more (and ask for help when we need it)…. Today has been a really good day… things are going good… in fact, they’re better than they have been in a while….

Hmmm...

i asked r to do something for me earlier, get me a coke out of the fridge... really a diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper but we call everything a coke... even if it's not really a coke... anyways, i just asked him the next time he got up if he would get me one... he never got up... i went in there, got a coke and then worked on another load of laundry... 7 hours today so far i've been doing laundry but i'm finally on my last load!! as i was coming back in he said, are you mad? i said no, not mad and didn't say anything else... i came back in the living room to finish up payroll and he said, sorry i didn't do that... then i smarted off and said, i'm sorry you don't do anything... it was not exactly the way that i wanted to start the talk and it didn't turn out too good... he got pissed and we had a few words... he stalked off into the back living room and is now sleeping... i can hear him snoring... one thing he said, why can't you just see where i'm coming from? i do, my question for him is, why can't he see where i'm coming from? i totally understand his situation but it's like he is oblivious to mine... i don't know... i feel like we can't even talk anymore... every time i try to say something to him he gets so defensive... and i'm so not trying to come off like that... with the exception of the comment earlier i've really been trying to watch the way i word things... guess we'll just see what happens...
UPDATE: r woke up... came in the living room, talked to the kitties, took a shower, and went to bed... he never said one word to me... it makes me feel like he doesn't even care... how special is that?!?!

Update

for the past month and a half life had been pretty difficult for me... i know it was the way that i was handling and dealing with things but at the time that really didn't seem to matter, i couldn't seem to get out of the funk that i was in... wednesday at work i had another crying spell... i just couldn't quit crying... i took a xanax at work (something i don't do anymore unless absolutely necessary)... even that didn't calm me down... the minute i hit the door leaving work i broke down... km called on the way home and i bawled and bawled... mom and i had originally planned to go out to eat and then just see where that took us... i called her when i got home, still bawling, and told her that i did not want to go anywhere, nor did i feel like it... we talked for a bit and then she came over... she brought me the cutest book! it's called smitten and it has pictures of the cutest little kittens in there, complete with their names and different sayings... i love it!! i took a valium later on and drank two glasses of wine... i haven't drank anything since probably new years and i must admit i got kinda tipsy and giggly... then i just passed out...
when the breakdown first started to happen i got pissed, which didn't help my mood any... then i just gave in and went with it... i was too tired to even fight it... having the breakdown helped so much though... i woke up thursday with a new attitude (and no hangover!)... my attitude has been getting ever since and i can already see a "change" in the way things are going and the way that i am perceiving the "challenges" that come my way!! i decided wednesday night that saturday afternoon/evening r and i are going to have a talk... the tv will be off and i have to make him listen to me... i have needs too and as much as i hate to admit it, i need help too... taking care of the normal, everyday things that used to be no big deal is wearing me down... i understand that he works hard (so do i! i have 2 jobs!!) but i can't do it all by myself, i am only one person... he seems to have it in his mind that because i have a "desk/office" job it is not hard or stressful and that i don't work very hard... he is so wrong!! things are going to be hard for a while (being tired, stressed, and just making it thru the first year of being a business owner) but we are partners and we can do this, if we can do it together... not battle each other...
last night r and i went to bed and were asleep by 10:30... i woke up this morning at 10 then decided to lay back down for a minute... it was a little after 1 before i got up... dang, guess i was a little tired... i think it's me "recovering" from everything that's been going on... i meditated before i came over and blogged- trying to stay calm and not nervous about the talk tonight... i know there will be fighting and of course, me crying but that's ok... but i know that once it's all out, his side too, things will be so much better... and i can't wait... i'm going to crunch some numbers for the restaurant and then when he gets home start on payroll and paying some bills...

Lashing Out

Ah, another email that I needed… the past month or so I’ve been withdrawing from everyone- friends, family, even r… I’ve been so mad, upset, and stressed that I want to make everyone feel bad like I do… so I’ve been being very mean to everyone… which is why I’ve been withdrawing from everyone… it’s not their fault and I have no reason to treat everyone the way that I have been…

Whatever you say, if you believe it, will come to pass in your life. Choose your words and beliefs carefully.

Intense emotions demand intense modes of expression. While there are many outlets for the feelings typically deemed positive, however, there are far fewer methods for constructively coping with anger, frustration, fear, sadness, or stress. Consequently, such feelings can cause us to believe that we are no longer in control of our emotional state. Backed into a mental corner, we may lash out at the first individual we encounter. Most of us will quickly discover that our misdirected outpouring of fury has not relieved the pressure of our pain. Powerful emotions are like the lava in a volcano poised to erupt—held in check with nothing but an eroding layer of calm. Within us lies the power to direct the flood of feeling that surges forth by channeling it into productive, artistic, or laborious pursuits. Retaking control of our emotions at their height can be difficult because our already negative feelings can convince us that others are deserving of our wrath. But if we consciously look for healthier ways of expressing what we feel, we can both safely dispel our pain and use the energy of that pain to add value to our lives. Anger and sadness, for example, can become the inspiration that induces us to dedicate ourselves to bringing about the change we wish to see in the world. If we act rather than react, we can become effective agents of positive transformation. When we channel our frustration or feelings of stress into outside-the-box thinking and proactive exploits, we are more apt to discover solutions to the issues that initially left us stymied. And if we view fear as a signal that we need to reexamine our circumstances rather than a cue to flee, we may gain new and unexpected insight into our lives. Channeling your emotions into constructive action can also prevent you from engaging in cyclical rumination in which you repeatedly relive the situation, event, or expectation that originally sparked your feelings in your mind’s eye. Since you are focused on a goal, even if your ambition is merely to better understand yourself, your pain is no longer being fed by your intellectual and emotional energy and quickly ebbs away. You not only avoid lashing out at others, but you also actively take part in your own healing process while honestly acknowledging and honoring your feelings.

When situations make us feel uneasy, we often blame ourselves or others. But if we learn to discern rather than judge, we begin to see our feelings for what they really are. You can't win with your inner judge: It even judges itself for judging. Sometimes that judgmental state feels like a sword driven right into the delicate fabric of your consciousness.
Any feelings of love, relaxation, or peace that you might have been nurturing are chopped to bits. Whether you're judging others or yourself, it's impossible to aim negative judgments in any direction without experiencing the sharp edges of judgment within yourself. Doubly so, in fact, since the faults we judge most harshly in other people usually turn out to be our own negativities projected outward.

Overreacting?

Am I over-reacting or not? I don’t know, all I know is that r really hurt my feelings last night… I didn’t want to blog about it before because it still upsets me… it still upsets me but maybe getting it off my chest will help… r’s family is not big on celebrations- Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, pretty much anything except for partying just for the sake of partying… r’s never been big into Christmas like I was… I say was, it seems that I’ve lost most of the joy of Christmas… maybe I let his scrooge-y attitude rub off onto me… I don’t know… r has never cared if we have a tree or decorations up.. no lights, inside or out, except for what I used to put on the tree… in fact, the day after thanksgiving when I was putting up the Christmas decorations he was making fun of me… telling me that I was “too into it”… I just ignored him and kept going… so, last night he comes home from work and is all excited… he says, guess what? Saturday after work we’re going to put lights up… I guess I had a confused look on my face because then he started to explain… one of our night waitresses wanted to decorate for Christmas… I told r that I just wanted to hang stockings with everyone’s name on them and then they could do whatever they wanted… so he says that the night waitress wants to hang lights outside (and decorate the inside)… well, she doesn’t want to hang the lights, she wants someone else to do it… so “they” (I’m not sure who the collective “they” is) decided that they’ll hang icicle lights around the restaurant and put 2 of those light up deer under the cedar tree out front… I think that will look really good!! But, it really hurts my feelings that he’s willing (and happy about it!!!) to put lights up at the restaurant and to help them…. He won’t help his wife but he will help her/them… I told him it hurt my feelings and he said, the house doesn’t make me any money, the restaurant does… a whole discussion (not quite an argument) got under way… he said, I thought you would be excited about the lights as much as you love them… if you really want me to put lights up at the house I will… I said, no, I would hate for you to have to do that… he said, no, I’m going to put icicle lights up along the front of the house… I just let it go… whatever..
my personal opinion is that he doesn’t like to decorate for Christmas because that will take time away from him sitting on his fat ass on the couch… sorry, I know that’s ugly but I think it’s true… it just pisses me off and really hurts my feelings but… life goes on… punk.

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed and stressed… I feel like I have a ton of stuff to get done and no time to get it done.. actually, I just feel like since I have so much stuff to get done I’ll never get it all done… I have a bunch of stuff that I need to do for the restaurant, work, and then at home… plus, the holidays are coming up… I haven’t even given a second thought about presents for anyone… that makes me feel like crap but I don’t know what to do… I would try to come up with some ideas to make some stuff but once again, the whole time factor… R and I have some stuff listed on ebay and we’ll use that money for either the restaurant bills or to pay our bills with… there doesn’t seem to be enough money to pay any of the bills right now… I know that will change but it stresses me out because r and I have always been able to pay all of our bills… we may have had no money left in our checking account to live on but we always had enough to take care of the bills… I know it will all work out, it always does, but it sure has me stressed…
I went to the psychiatrist yesterday… the appointment that I moved up a month… once again we changed up my meds… we added another one… that makes 4 total that I take on a daily basis and then one as needed… don’t misunderstand though, it’s not just 4 pills, it’s a ton… of course they don’t make the strength that he has prescribed so I take 3 of 1, 2 of two others, and then one at night…he said that hopefully the new med will work and I can come off of another one! I go back in two weeks to see how everything is going and to have more blood work done (he put me on lithiobid) and they have to monitor your liver and thyroid or something… we changed my anxiety meds too… instead of the xanax I’m going to try some valium and see if that works any better… it had got to the point with the xanax that it would help calm my mind a bit, but my body would still be super tense and I wasn’t able to relax all that much (plus my memory was shot)… unless I took another one and then I’d just pass out… I took a valium last night but it didn’t really seem to do anything… might try 2 tonight…
There are only 2 more Mondays left to work this year!! 13 working days after today!!! I cannot wait… I really need a break and some time off and away from things… the stress is really wearing me down and people that normally don’t irritate me or piss me off have been lately… actually, it seems that everyone is pissing me off… that makes me feel bad though because then I keep all this anger and negativity inside instead of getting it out… plus, I feel like I’m always complaining about the same stuff… rrll and our finances basically… blogging does help though… I know this is all me and mostly because of my stress (the dr. did say that the lithium would help with the irritability and anger- as well as pms!!! YEAH!! let’s hope it does) … anyways, off to do more work… I just wanted to get this out while I had the opportunity…

Ah yes, I feel as if the wise Buddha was directing this towards me…
Buddha said, "Judge not others; judge only yourself." What appear to be faults in others may actually be reflections of our own emotional afflictions.

To end on a positive note though, 13 working days after today until a 10 day vacation!!!

Ewww!!!

i hate hair... my hair, r's hair, pretty much all hair... hair on the ground.. especially if i'm barefoot- getting hair in the toes is the worst!!! oddly enough, the kitty hair doesn't bother me... anyways, r has extremely thick hair and when it starts to grow out it gets really curly... he has these huge black curls!! it's so cute when it's grown out and he wears a hat... these big black curls stick out of the bottom of his cap... so cute... ok, back to the story... r refuses to pay for a haircut... before/when we met, he only got his hair cut once a year when his sister came home for christmas... somehow i ended up getting hair cutting duty... even though i really hate hair i don't mind shaving his head for some reason... we've been talking about cutting it for about 3 weeks... the only day we really have to cut his hair is sunday... it was cold here today and somehow i let him talk me in to shaving his head in the kitchen... i ended up giving in... i put an old sheet down all over the floor though to try to catch most of the hair... i swept and vacuumed the floor but i'm so glad it's cleaning week!!
we also got the kitties nails clipped.. that's always fun...
i can't believe tomorrow is monday and that it's already december 3rd... only 22 days until christmas... dang!! but that means, less than 20 days until vacation!!