In the Closet

r and i were sitting here talking tonight about life and how we handle things... i said that his family made me nervous because i never know if they're going to call me out on something... not anything big, just anything... that makes me nervous, talk about anxiety... he said, well, your parents raised you pg-13 and kept everything in the closet, even though un-pg-13 things were happening... i was part of it... i think mom and dad "knew" what i was doing, for the most part, and to be honest, it wasn't that bad.. (it took me a while but i'm a good person now...) we don't talk about anything... high school, my senior year, december-ish... my solution, don't deal with it... blow it off... if it keeps trying to come back and you still don't want to deal with it and blowing it off isn't working, just drop it or pretend it never happened... i've done this recently and for that, i am truly sorry... i didn't realize that was how i handled things.. but it is... until r and i had this conversation i never realized that his family stressed me out because of that fear and i never realized that me just not dealing with things was really how i handled problems or really, how i ran away... r's family was very relaxed when he was growing up and they still are... they were never being punished (get this, he was NEVER grounded, not once that he can remember!!!! i can't tell you how much time i spent grounded... i think like cumulative 3 of my 4 years of high school)... his parents were always hanging out with people, partying, whatever... they got into "bitching" matches... the parents would bitch at the kids and then the kids would start bitching at the parents... i've seen it but it is so odd to me.. not exactly the same type of fights that my parents and i got into... now i'm not saying that my family didn't deal with things but we did and we didn't... we did in our way... we were punished, and i'm not disagreeing with that at all... better believe that my kids will get spanked!! i think that some of both worlds is something that we can both take away and utilize later on in life.... that's my opinion... i'm not saying it's a bad thing at all... to me it's a realization... i also realized that not dealing with things is not a good thing... it can almost destroy a very good friendship, luckily in my case my friend was a good enough person to keep trying... we haven't talked yet but i would like too soon... that makes me nervous as hell but man, i owe it to her... i need to deal with my "issues"... i just want it to be over and just end it... some things you can do that with, others you can't... i am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life to help me learn and grow... and also to forgive me....

Dr. Visit

so i went to see dr. bob this morning about my back... i am so glad that i did too!!! i now know the reason behind my headaches... it's my greater occipital nerve causing them.... he said he doesn't know what is triggering them but that's the reason they are where they are.... he said we could do little cortizone shots at the base of my skull if the headaches don't get better... he said that there is a lot of research being done right now on people who have chronic headaches and many diagnose them as sinus infections or migraines when in fact they may be caused by that nerve... my back "flare up", that's what they call them, hehe, could have been caused by the traction bed, especially since i haven't done anything else out of the ordinary... he put me on a 7 day packet of cortizone steriods, i don't know if all cortizone is a steriod or not... i didn't even think until later though...
diet + steriods = not good.... that's ok though... i'll deal with it, especially if it helps and keeps me from having to get another epidural injection... he also gave me some different pain meds to try... he said that if they worked and i could tolerate them to just let him know and they'll call me a prescription in.... sounds pretty good!!
ah, so the weigh in.... well, i gained 3lbs... i'm not sure what happened either but that's ok... i'm taking it in stride... like i said yesterday, i weighed sunday morning and had lost 3lbs... weighed monday morning and the weight was off the charts.... there are a number of factors it could be... i'm just going to do my best and work on keeping it off, especially while i'm on the steriods... even "giving back" the 3lbs i've still lost 30.5lbs! that's pretty dang good!!! i'm pretty excited!!!
i feel so much better today than i have in about 2 weeks (even though my back and head are still hurting)... i think it's because i went to see and talked to dr. bob.... i have been and am really impressed with dr. h and his staff.... they have been nothing but nice and understanding since i have been to see them!! i really like them!!! i told dr. bob that i felt like a hypochondriac and he said, there is no need to feel like that.... you have the signs and symptoms of everything that you have been describing... your back and head/neck are tender.... you don't need to be in pain... we can fix it, well, most of it anyways... that made me feel much better!! it's just really nice to have a dr. listen to me for once and not try to tell me it's all in my head!!

Frustration

well, guess what, i'm frustrated.... i don't think it's managed to change to pure uncontrollable anger yet but it could... i know that my pain pills make me really edgy and nervous, very irritable, and my fuse is a lot shorter but man, this is riduculous!! my co-worker has driven me up the wall.... yes, he has... he's just so damn annoying.... just leave already!!! he is such a moron but he treats everyone else like the village idiot... if he only knew.... i thought maybe blogging away my frustrations might help.... can't really tell yet if it's working or not.... i just need to keep busy!! easier said than done though.... just bored and frustrated..... come on 5:00!!!

Change of Heart

this morning when i was getting ready for work i was thinking.... i was thinking about how when i get to work i'm going to blog everything that's wrong with me... what i'm feeling.... instead of being negative though, i'm really trying to be positive... i'm pretty sure i got discouraged this morning when i got on the scale.... yesterday morning it said i had lost about 3lbs... pretty good considering i exercised twice but went to walmart yesterday and sweat there for about an hour and a half... i watched my points this week too and really didn't hardly cheat at all... i didn't go over my flex points.... this morning when i got on the scale it said i had gained 6.5lbs from where i was last week, so that's like 9.5lbs since yesterday morning... what is going on... yesterday i didn't do bad at all... we ate sandwiches for lunch and then ordered pizza for dinner... i'm not sure what happened... or if it could be all these health issues i'm having.... my back, head, neck, the . problem, now i've got another problem thanks to my pain meds... i'm not sure what is going on... all i know is that if i go to the meeting tonight and they say i've gained that much weight i am going to freak out probably.... i mean, i really don't understand.... i guess if i have then i will just have to really work out to get it off.... and really watch what i eat, even more closely i guess.... but, all i can do is work to get it off and keep it off...
it's monday and i'm not in a bad mood, just an indifferent mood... kinda, ah, blah... my head and back are really hurting today.... right now anyways... i'm really looking forward to my appointment with dr. bob tomorrow... hopefully he can shed some light on what's going on with me.... i've got a whole list of stuff i would like to talk to him about.... i really am trying to stay positive today though... we'll just have to wait and see what happens at the meeting tonight.... keep your fingers crossed for me...

Finally Friday!!

it's finally friday!! i am so glad!! i can't wait until 5:00 today!! i'm so ready for the weekend... so is my back and head!! there hasn't been much going on.... just tired and trying to take it easy.... not hurt the back anymore than it's already hurting... i don't know much.... hopefully the day will go by fast!!

Time Out

today was a rough day at work... i woke up this morning with a huge sinus headache any my back was hurting... i took a pain pill and some sinus medicine and it might have helped a little bit, not much though... i have noticed lately that my pain pills make me really edgy and very quick to get mad... i was fuming mad all day long today... over stupid stuff... i got so mad and so upset that i asked if i could leave early... i left about 2:45.... i guess today i realized what kind of an impact these pills really have on me... i don't care who you were today while i was at work, you could do nothing right... one little irritation turned into another and another and they just kept building... talk about high blood pressure... so my pain pills make me really edgy and nervous... kinda like speed... um, don't really like it... i feel like i always need to go, go, go... be doing something... but my back is still hurting, the pills help with the pain but they don't take it away, and i really don't feel like doing anything.... when i get home i take a xanax to help calm me down... it's like going from one extreme to another... now i know why when i was working at cingular and first at wichita metal that i was so easily irritated... the pills... it is all starting to make sense.... i hate the way i am/feel when i take my pain pills but without them, the pain is so bad... if the pain was bearable i wouldn't be messing with the pain pills... so now since i'm taking my pain pills i take xanax to help calm me down when i get home because i am wound up.... my patience level is way down!! that explains the road rage, the irritation in the stores, driving, screaming kids... things like that that drive me crazy.... and i've found that since i quit taking my pills i am not so easy to anger and it's easier for me to just let stuff roll off my back... i'm going to talk to the doctor next week about maybe trying something that might not affect me the way these are.... i really don't like me on the pills.... man, hindsight is well, in this case it's a learning tool.... i've discovered that me on pills and me off are two totally different people.... but i think i was on all those pills for so long i didn't realize that... that's crazy the way they completely changed me... but at least i finally figured it out... i talked to mom for over an hour this afternoon.... she can relate to where i'm coming from because of her chronic hip pain that she can't get under control.... i feel for her... on the bright side though, i feel much better now and am looking forward to going to the doctor next tuesday to see what we can do to make this whole situation better... more later though...

33.5

last night was my weigh in and much to my surprise i lost 1.5lbs! i was just hoping i didn't gain.... i am happy!! now if i can lose 1.5lbs this week i will get another 5lb. star!! yeah!! r and i are going to start walking again tonight... i just needed a break from it.... now that i've had my break i feel much better, ready to tackle it full force again!!

Ick

so, today is monday and i am not a happy camper.... why? don't know... maybe because it's monday... my back is still hurting, i'm still on my ., and i get to go weigh in tonight.... not sure how the weigh in is going to go.... we'll just have to wait and see.... my back, it didn't hurt as bad friday as it did this weekend or now.... i need to call dr. herren i guess... go see him.... i've also got to call dr. lamar... see what we can do about me having my . all the time... i am tired of that! i guess i'm just in a generally foul mood this morning... it was a short weekend... i don't think i realized that today was monday until last night... or maybe subconsciously i did and that's why i wasn't too happy yesterday.... who knows, my guess, it's a combination of everything! we had a good weekend though... saturday i went up to k's office and filed extensions for them... saturday night we went to eat at bill's catfish up in waurika, ok.... it was so good!!! yesterday we just hung around the house and then went to mom and dad's for dinner.... dinner was so good!! that's about it.... i'm ready for the weekend though.... maybe i can get out of the foul funk that i've managed to let myself slide into... time will tell....

Come On

well, it's still friday.... i have done everything that i have to do today except bill out and it just drives me nuts to just be sitting here... doing nothing.... i have a ton of stuff that i could do, just not while i'm at work.... that frustrates me to no end... that's ok though.... i've been trying to stay calm and not get angry but the longer the day just drags on and i just sit here the more unhappy i get... to me it's just stupid b.s.... but, no one asked me... anyways, i just wanted to vent and see if that would help me stay calm....

Good Friday

today is good friday.... in all senses... i am so glad it's friday.... we're working... i'm hoping that we might get off early but, who knows... guess we'll just have to wait and see... my back is feeling better today! i'm happy about that! i really don't have anything to do except bill out... i worked as if we were going to be off today... that's ok though.... after i get off work today and tomorrow i'm going to go over to k's and help them out with extensions... that will be fun, i'm looking forward to it....
on a different note, beavers called r last night about an opportunity for us... it's sounding really good so far!! i know that if it's meant to be it will all work out though! i really hope it does! besides that, there really isn't anything going on.... just waiting to bill out! hopefully it won't be 4:00 this afternoon when i finally get to work on it!!

When It Rains...

you know how the saying goes, when it rains it pours... it's not exactly pouring over here but it is stormy.... today is day # 3 of the back pain, another morning starting with a pain pill.... i went to the chiropractor last night after work and she basically told me that the traction bed was not the reason my back was hurting.... like i said, i don't know if it is or not but that's the only thing i can think of.... i'm going to give my back over the weekend to see if it gets any better and if not then i'm going to call my back doctor... needless to say, r isn't excited to hear that my back is hurting again.... neither am i am... i'm not mad, getting mad isn't going to do me or my back any good... just trying to take it all in stride... oh yeah, i started my . again yesterday.... on for 4 weeks, off for 1 week, back on.... we'll have to see how that goes....
on a good note though, wheels america called r about my rims... one of them they can and have fixed and is on it's way back home but the other one is unable to be fixed... the guy at wheels america is looking for a different rim.... he said we could buy a new one and then have it chromed but that's almost $350.... we'll just have to see what happens.... he said he can usually find a rim.... he only started looking this morning....
i'm off to work... we still don't know if we're working tomorrow or not... if we're not them i'm going to go to k's work and file extensions for them.... they're just a little covered up.... until later....

Ouch continued

well, it's wednesday! we still don't know if we are working friday or not.. right now we're preparing as if we are going to be closed but we will just wait and see.... my back is still hurting me!! it hurt all day yesterday, last night, and is still hurting... it has been hurting constantly since yesterday morning.... it hurt to bend over this morning to put my jeans on!! i think i figured out why though.... monday when i went to the chiropractor she put me on the traction bed... she does this every time i go in but you only stay on the bed for 2 minutes... she was busy with a patient and her assistant was busy so i was on the traction bed for at least 5 minutes... dr. c said that every 2 minutes on there is equal to about 45 minutes of intense exercise for your spine/back.... i'm not 100% sure that this is what caused my back pain but it's the only thing i can think of.... my muscles, i think that's what's hurting, are so sore... but there is pain too.... the pain bothers me because it's in the same place where my back originally started hurting.... i'm hoping it will go away though... keep your fingers crossed it does.... it hurts to do anything really..... i had to take another pain pill this morning.... it's that bad right now...
last night r and i cooked dinner.... we had portabella mushroom chicken fajitas.... so yummy!! and very low in points!! we cooked dinner sunday night too... we had santa fe chicken quesadillas... once again, very yummy! i told r last night, it's not bad cooking when you help me out... i'm just so slow in the kitchen... we've been doing really good, i'm proud of us!! now if i could just get back on the exercise bandwagon.... r and i were going to walk last night but my back was bothering me so much we didn't.... i need to get back into my new cookbook and pull a few more recipes for us to try... anywho, i'm off to work on payroll and then pay bills.... more later...

Ouch!

i went and weighed last night... i lost 1.5lbs... pretty good... i've now lost a total of 32lbs!! yeah!!! i'm pretty happy with myself!! r and i got all the ebay stuff he sold packed up last night and then he shipped it this morning on the way to work... my wheels also got shipped out... they'll call r and then he can pay for them!! soon i should be getting my new wheels on my car! that is so exciting!!!
on to my ouch... this morning when i woke up my back was hurting! bad!! this is the first time i've woken up with back pain in a long time... almost a year... i'm not sure what happened... i haven't done anything out of the ordinary lately... not in the past couple of days to make it start hurting like it is... i did a few stretches before i showered this morning to see if that would help... it didn't... before i left the house i took a pain pill.. that is the first one that i've had to take in a long time! that's ok though, that's what i have them for... i'm not going to beat myself up for having to take one when i really am in pain... let's hope the back pain goes away! i'm not sure if we're working friday or not but i am acting like we're going to be off work so i'm trying to get everything wrapped up.... it would be nice to have a long weekend!!

I'm Back

it's monday again and i don't seem to mind as much this week.... i think it may be a short week because of good friday and i really hope so!! r and i had a good productive weekend.... the tree that got hit by lightning that we thought was dead actually turned out to be alive, it just took it a little longer to start blooming than the other trees.... i went out saturday and starting hacking on one of the limbs and looked up and was like, huh, there are leaves on the tree... wonder if it's still alive... so i finished cutting off the limb i was working on and stopped.... daddy drove by and looked at the tree, it's still alive so now we can decide if we want to keep it or go ahead and get rid of it... we'll just have to see what happens.... i cleaned the house and my car up saturday... sunday we walked... cleaned the outside of my car again, there is a limb over my car that i am wanting to cut down, the birds love that limb!!! so i went back to the carwash... no biggie.... it sure does seem like we did more than that this weekend... oh well... tonight i go weigh... and i am actually going to go... the past couple of weeks i haven't been feeling too good on mondays but not today.... i am in a really good mood!! if this is a short week it will go by so much faster!!! the only downer is that my ipod got turned on in my purse and now the battery is dead... that's ok though... i can survive!! besides that, everything is good!! i called this morning on shipping 2 of my rims off to get them balanced... they faxed me ups shipping labels with the postage already paid.... wow, impressive! seems like this is going well!! so i think we're going to get my rims shipped off tomorrow.... yeah!!! then i can get my tires and get my wheels on my car!! i am so excited about that!! i'm still busy at work.... just because the end of the year is over doesn't mean that i've slowed down any... that's ok though, it makes the day go by faster!! that's about it for now.... hopefully i'll get a chance tomorrow to blog and let you know how the weigh in goes tonight... it was looking good this morning!!! keep your fingers crossed!!

Time Warp?

ever since the time change, i know, a whole 4 days ago, i have been in some sort of time warp i think... but it's only in the mornings... it's the weirdest thing!! i've been getting up at the same time as i was before the time change... i haven't changed my schedule at all... i mean, it varies daily but not by much... maybe what i eat for breakfast... when i put my clothes on... but that's it... somehow i have been losing 5 to 15 minutes each morning... 5 minutes not such a big deal but once it gets to 10 minutes or more... well, that kinda speeds me up or i wear my hair in a "ponytail"... if you can call it that... it's more of a nub of hair than a ponytail... the ponytail is maybe 1" long... i've been thinking about having the back of my hair cut off anyways... leaving the front long and cutting the back... the back seems to grow really fast anyways... enough about the hair though... this time warp... i have no idea where the time goes or anything! it's nuts! i thought maybe monday morning i was just up a few minutes late... i've been checking and well, not by my clocks anyways! i don't know what's going on... i've been working on this blog for about 2 hours now... work is nuts and the end of the year is over!! i've gotta run!! more later!!

???

it's monday and i am not excited about it at all... all day yesterday after i realized that today was monday i've been dreading it... i usually don't dread work this bad but after the past 2 weeks i am... i have no idea what type of mood my boss will be in.... i don't think i lost this week... in fact, it's like i almost know i gained.... i was doing really good until saturday night... i went nuts... when we got home from eating with r's dad and his dad's girlfriend i was so sick... i threw up and up until there was nothing left.... i'm trying so hard not to be down today.... but yeah, so far it isn't working... i feel like i could just bust out into tears at any given second... it could be my hormones, considering this is week #4 of my period.... i tried to talk to r this morning and see if he could put me in a good mood but he was pretty much in the same mood i'm in... blah and not wanting it to be monday... that's ok, easter is coming up and hopefully that means that we'll have a short week coming up... either next week or the week after.... last week was really bad and the next week before wasn't too much better... when i left work on friday i was bawling... and my boss was out of town... i just hope he's in a better mood this week than he has been.... his mood has been foul.... yesterday r and i did the yard work and we noticed that the tree that got hit by lightning last year is dead... so now we get to cut down the tree... there is so much stuff that i need to be doing instead of being here... i feel bad today... it's my allergies/sinuses... it feels like i have about 20lbs of snot in my head... i can't get this funky taste out of my mouth and i've brushed my teeth about 6 times already today... anywho, enough griping... i'm going to get started on my stuff.... keep your fingers crossed that the day gets better!