Attitude

If you can’t change anything else, you can always change your attitude… Thursday night I was reading “the secret” and it was getting me back where I needed to be… helping to get me back on track… basically I needed a good swift kick to the a$$ and that’s what it gave me… I had let myself wander off my “learning” path…
Friday was one of the best days that I’ve had in a long time (and I’m still having good days!!)… I woke up in an excellent mood Friday… got to work, didn’t even let me co-worker piss me off… j, my co-worker, bought a dot matrix printer for us Thursday night so we set that up… my days of using my typewriter to bill out are numbered!!! I am so excited!!! R and I had seen on the news either Wednesday or Thursday night that the Budweiser Clydesdales were in town and I found out Friday that they were going to be here until Tuesday!!! So I was bound and determined to go see them!!! I think Clydesdales are beautiful horses but had never seen them in person before… I wanted to go last year but R didn’t “want to go see some stupid horses” so I decided that this year I was going, come hell or high water!! And I did!! I went out to see them on Saturday and took pics of them!!! They are huge but so docile and gentle!! Then I realized that I had a massage with mary on Friday night… plus, I didn’t have to work on Saturday… not besides delivering a catering job we had to do and all I had to do was to deliver the food!! Ever since the “shift” in my attitude I can really tell a difference in the way things are going!!! let me see, I had a whole list of stuff that I was so excited about… ok, the dot matrix printer, the Clydesdales, Mary, not having to work Saturday, then on Saturday night Carl won the Busch race!!! He came in 12th in the Cup race on Sunday!! But he’s still in the top 12 in points so let’s keep the momentum up Carl!!! I know you can do it!! This year has already started out much better than last year did for Carl so I know it’s going to be an awesome year for him!!!
Ah, yes, on Saturday as I was getting ready to leave to go pick up the food to deliver I looked outside and my father-in-law had delivered “my new” passat to me… it’s an ’03… two years newer than my old one… it’s white with black leather interior… and OMG, it is beautiful and I love it!!! and the features it has on it, wow, I am so super excited!!! And I feel like we are stealing it since we are getting such a good deal on it!! bonus, it’s already got dark deep tinted windows and the factory wheels are nice!!! So the only thing that we really need to do to get it back to the condition my other one was in is put a “stubby” antenna on it and an aftermarket cd player... the only reason I want an aftermarket cd player is so that R can put some speakers in it for me… I love a good stereo system (oh yeah, junk in my trunk!!)!!! pics of it coming soon!!!
One more thing…. How could I forget this? we catered a BPW event on Saturday (that’s the organization that km, her mom, and her sister belong too- the one that she won Woman of the Year for this year)… Saturday was their Spring Awards ceremony and km won 2 awards!!! She won the most active (maybe that wasn’t exactly what it was called but the one who is doing the most work… putting in a ton of effort, being really active) and then she won Regional Woman of the Year!!! I am so proud of her, I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am!!! that is so awesome!!! All at the young age of 28!!! she is just such an amazing giving person!!! There should be more people like her in this world!!
I’m really enjoying “the secret”…. I’ll go into more details on it in a separate blog… as well as the Clydesdales… things are going really good.... the attitude shift is what I needed… I had been in such a bad mood for what seemed like a while and I know why… it was my attitude… things are changing though… oh yeah they are, and for the better!!
Here was my positive thought for today: The future is unfolding in perfect order filled with wonder and joy. I trust that my future is unfolding in perfect order. I expect my life to be filled with joy and success. (and I know, trust, and believe this!!)

Update on the back: the pain is bad… (Thursday and Friday it got to the point where I almost couldn’t walk)… really bad though I’m trying not to think about it (as much as possible!) I do go see the dr. tomorrow though… I’m going to talk to him about maybe trying something a little more permanent than the epidural cortisone shots (maybe a discectomy) and see what he says… at least after tomorrow I will know what action we’re going to take to take care of the pain… then (hopefully) I will be on the road to recovery!!!

Nothing Exciting

i feel like i have been hectic lately!!! and if i have been hectic, i apologize... i kinda feel that life is spiraling out of control... mainly only because of the pain... the back pain is unbelievable... and not in a good way either... i can only imagine how tired everyone is of hearing about my pain and how it hurts... but i mean, damn!!! this sucks!!! i am so glad i go to the dr. on tuesday!!! something has to give and soon... so my back and leg pain is making me hectic... i'm taking so many pain pills and they are not helping... well, they're helping to make me hectic and make my attitude bad... this is so horrible but it's like i want to take my pain out on everyone else and make them hurt like i'm hurting... i know, it's so wrong... i'm still "in control" but i can see that my attitude is getting worse... man, having back problems sucks!!! i wouldn't wish a herniated disc on my worst enemy!! (oh yeah, i think the cyst (sp?) on my wrist is back- r has only smashed it three times now!) ok, i just had to get it out... i've been trying to find something to do to take my mind off of the pain but not having much luck... i thought i'd see if i could "blog it out"...
ok, now that the negativity is out, on a different note... i have started reading "the secret" by rhonda byrne... i'm only about 10 pages into it but i already love it... the other day (before i started reading the book) i started thinking about movies i've been watching, books i've been reading, shows i watch on tv... and most of it isn't positive or "good"... they say that what you put into your mind is what you get out... good in, good out... garbage in, garbage out... and i thought, maybe what i've been "feeding" my mind could have something to do with my attitude too... i honestly don't think that my whole attitude problem is solely based on my thoughts, but i do know that it does play a part... i need to work on changing my thoughts!!! (the first 10 pages of the book have already reinforced that)... so i am excited about the book... and i get to go see mary tomorrow... an hour massage, so needed, and it will be so nice!!

Tidbits

I was in such a good mood today… that is until I got to work… all my co-worker did was holler at me (and scared me half to death!)… if he would get off his lazy ass there would be no need to scream at people… if I’m at lunch or whatever and he has to answer the phone he just sits at his desk and screams at people… we do have an intercom or whatever on our phone where you could just buzz the person but that would be too easy I suppose…but no, he’s probably too busy working on his freaking stupid church books!! (sorry, but he royally pisses me off!! Freaking idiot!! I can’t stand him!!)
Anyways, besides being pissed at him for being such a freaking moron, I am in a good mood!! There’s been a passat up at the dealership that r’s dad works at all week long… I haven’t seen it yet but from what r’s dad has said, it’s really clean and the guy took really good care of it… he said that even though it’s got high mileage they’re mostly all highway miles… I’m really excited about it though!! we’ll see!! we were talking last night about my new car and trying to decide if we should just pay for it outright or have a car payment…. I think we decided that we’ll just see what kind of interest rate we can get and have them play with some numbers… see what works out the best… I just like having a “safety net” in case something comes up… or in case the restaurant needs to borrow money….
I was talking to my co-worker, j, and he said that he’s been looking for a dot matrix printer… our delivery tickets and invoices are carbon copies and t doesn’t want to move away from that so we’ve been kicking the idea around about getting a dot matrix printer so that I won’t have to use my typewriter!! Talk about making my life so much easier!! That would be awesome!!! Typing up delivery tickets and invoices on the typewriter is so time consuming… not to mention that sometimes my invoices and delivery tickets look horrible because of all the bold x’s that I use to cover up my mistakes… plus, I don’t know how much longer my typewriter is going to last…. I think sammy (the typewriter) might be coming close to the end…. He’s becoming very temper mental and doesn’t work right all the time….
I go back to the dr. on Tuesday to go over the results of my mri and x-rays… we’ll see what the dr. says… I do want to talk to him about some more permanent solutions for my back…. From what I can tell, he’s always been very honest with me… I’m off work this Saturday… well, yeah, I am… I do have to go out to iowa park and pick up 40 grilled chicken salads because we are catering a BPW luncheon (which is why we’re not working)… but other than that, I am all free!!! It will be nice to have a Saturday off!! I’m hoping I can work on my to-do list for the house!!
One more thing before I go pay work bills… I’m getting all caught up at work so that means that I should have more time to blog!!! YEAH!!!

A New/Old "Character"

i recently added a new "character" to my list.... i have known jw since about 2000 when i started working at cingular... over the years we got to know each other but recently we've started hanging out and talking more than we used too (she is helping me become more social!!)... i consider her one of my closest friends... and i have learned so much from her (and her family)... some of this i can explain, some of it i can't... for instance, she has shown me that you can still have a family and everything is "cool"... i don't know if this makes any sense or not but it does to me... her and her husband have 3 kids (two of them are twins!!) and they remind me of r and i.... they've been thru tough times but have weathered the storms and everything seems to have brought them closer... she told me one time that she appreciated me listening to her but never "telling her what to do" when it came to her relationship with her husband... i went to dallas with her to a dr.'s appt on tuesday (blown out back b/c of a car wreck) and we had such a good time!! she didn't want to drive down there by herself and they were going to talk about what treatment she wanted to do on her back (and i learned some stuff that i need to talk to my dr. about!)... she picked me up, we ate subway in the car because we were running late, went to her dr. appt., and headed home... BUT on the way home.... we stopped at dairy queen!!! OMG!!! it was so good!! i got a reece peanut butter cup blast, i haven't had one of those in forever!!! anyways, we had a really good stress-free time... and i'm really glad that we're talking and hanging out more... it's doing me a lot of good!!!
lately i've been reading a lot about that book, the secret by rhonda byrne (spelling on her last name?).... because you know i'm all about "manifesting my own destiny" and happiness... it was adapted from this book that i actually found online several years ago... and of course still have it on my work computer... so i had to buy it... it came in today and i'm really looking forward to getting into it... it seems to fit in with everything that i've been learning and reading over the past two years... as i've read and learned, the universe gives you what you need when you need it... "the secret" has arrived!!
things have been going good... busy but good... r and i have been trying to get everything done on saturday that we need to get done over the weekend that way we can rest, relax, and watch the race on sunday... i've been trying to get around to blog but haven't been having as much luck as i'd like to have... i'm working on it though...

Addiction

the other day i blogged about HBO's Addiction documentary... this morning i was reading online and found this article... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17612658/site/newsweek/
i have yet to see it because we don't have HBO and the free preview weekend wasn't in our area... the 4 dvd series is in my netflix queue though.... i'm anxiously awaiting their arrival... lately there have been a number of things going on in my life that have really made me think about what is going on... anyways, in case the link doesn't work, here is the article... over the past three years or so my views on addiction have really changed, mainly from personal experience... if this series only awakens one person to a different view on addiction then it was worth it....

Hooked on 'Addiction'
HBO unveils a massive documentary about drug and alcohol abuse that's almost too much of a good thing.
March 14, 2007 - What happens to drug addicts who don't get the help that they need? Forget for a moment whether you believe the prevailing science that addiction is a disease, or that proper medical care—and not willpower alone—is required to overcome it. Forget your own feelings about the morality of drug use and about who's to blame when use erupts into full-blown abuse. Just for now, forget questions of right versus wrong, and focus on cold, hard reality. What happens to drug addicts who don't recover? Do they vanish, like ghosts, and take their problems along with them when they evaporate into the ether? Do they slink into darkened corners, hating and hurting only themselves? Do they die quietly and harmlessly, without disturbing the rest of us?
Of course not. Drug addicts who don't get the help they need get worse, and their addictions grow and grow, until their compulsion has consumed everyone and everything around them. They destroy families. They turn to crime. They put other people in danger. They make bad decisions, stick around in violent relationships, have children they're in no position to raise. They get sick. They don't work. The ripple effects of their addictions go on and on and on. Eventually, their problems become our problem—big time. This is the inconvenient truth for anyone who chooses to see addiction simply as a failure of personal responsibility. It doesn't matter if you're right, because scorn isn't a solution. And moral high ground isn't much of a consolation when an addict robs you at gunpoint, or runs your car off the road or breaks your mother's heart.
HBO's massive new documentary series "Addiction," which premieres on Thursday has many astonishing revelations to share about our country's drug and alcohol crisis. But there's one point above all that it desperately wishes to communicate: whether we accept it or not, we're all paying for the scourge of addiction, and the price tag is only going up. To hammer home the gravity of the struggle, HBO's "Addiction," made in conjunction with the National Institute on Drug Abuse and the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, is a jumbo-sized affair. With 14 parts in all, the series runs for more than seven hours, and it features contributions from some of the biggest names in documentary filmmaking, including Barbara Koppel ("Harlan County USA"), Eugene Jarecki ("Why We Fight"), Rory Kennedy (HBO's superb recent doc "Ghosts of Abu Ghraib") and directing team of Chris Hegedus and D.A. Pennebaker ("The War Room"). There are also additional segments available on HBO.com and HBO-on-Demand, plus a 251-page hardcover book—just in case, after seven hours, you are so addicted to "Addiction" that you still want more.
The sprawling scope of "Addiction" is both its greatest virtue and its only real weakness. This is grim material, and it's hard to imagine anyone having the fortitude to plow through all of it. The series kicks off with a 90-minute introductory portion that summarizes what's to come via brief snapshots of each director's short film. Frankly, this primer is all you really need to watch. But even in just an hour and a half, the insight of "Addiction" is astounding. It tackles the issue from every imaginable perspective—from personal portraits of drug abuse, to the science and psychology of addiction, to breakthroughs in the pharmacology of treatment, to the frustrating politics of government aid and the cruelty of spotty insurance coverage. It's a series that screams from the rooftops but never hectors. Producers John Hoffman and Susan Froemke respect the audience enough to let us make our own connections between, for instance, the mangled, drug-and-alcohol-related accident victims in Jon Alpert's film "Saturday Night in a Dallas ER" and the booze-ravaged tough guys in Koppel's poignant film "Steamfitters Local Union 638," about a Queens, N.Y., union so historically stained by alcoholism that its leaders decided enough was enough.
The fight against addiction is uphill, and steep, because so many people persist in seeing it as the product of weak people making poor choices: addicts chose to try drugs (or alcohol) in the first place and they choose, again and again, to come back to them, even after their habits have ruined their lives. But "Addiction" makes plain that the first choice is, by now, beside the point—and the second really isn't a choice at all. HBO's provocative tagline for the series is, "Why can't they just stop?" Once you watch it, you'll never ask that question again.

Blogging

i love to blog... and i love to read other people's blogs.... yes, it is an addiction but that's ok... i figure being addicted to blogging is much better than some things i could be addicted too.... speaking of addiction, i was getting my hair done yesterday and was looking thru a magazine... there is a show coming on HBO called addiction.... HBO is having a free preview weekend starting today and addiction will be on... it looks really good... but i love shows like that... intervention is a good one too!! (i just added the dvd's to my queue in netflix... they will be released on tuesday... i think i might try to dvr them first though... then if that works i won't need to order them from netflix)... here's the link to the HBO website that talks about that Addiction documentary: http://www.hbo.com/addiction/?ntrack_para1=feat_main_image
ok, now that i've gotten way off track.... back to where i was... um, ok... i'm not really sure where i was going with this.... all i know is that i miss blogging...
r's birthday is coming up on the 30th.... i'm not sure if we're going to do anything or not... i found out that his mom will be in town on the 31st for her friend's wedding... i'm still trying to think of a great birthday present or something that we could do that would be fun... we got our tax return money back and i'm thinking of maybe talking to him about buying something for both of us... something that we can both use... it seems like it's been forever since we made a "major" purchase... i'm thinking a tv... i know that the smart thing to do would be to put all of our tax money in savings but i kinda want to "reward" us... we've both been working really hard and i think it would be nice to do something like that... we'll see though.... anyways, i thought i had something that i "needed" to blog... if i did, i can't remember what it was now...

UPDATE: there was a little something saying that the HBO free preview was only in select areas... we're not one of those areas... i'll just have to wait for the dvd's....

Ink

i love piercings... and tattoos... i don't have any tattoos though.... not yet anyways... besides my ears, i've had my tongue and belly button pierced, years ago.... i had 19 piercings in my ears before i decided to "grow up" and get a "real" job... that's a long story in itself but for another time... r hates piercings and tattoos.... not so much on other people, just on/for himself... needless to say, he has no piercings or tattoos... anyways, our night cook got a tattoo gun.... (he was working as an apprentice for a while)... anyways, there are two other guys that i could go too but this isn't the "important" part.... this is the important part: what i want to get inked!! kitty paw prints... and until i had talked to my friend i was just going to get a "generic" kitty paw print... she came up with the idea for us to take mazzy and murphy's paw prints (with something similar to jail ink) and get those done!! (two of our friends have their kids foot prints on their forarms)... i think this is about the best most wonderful idea in the world!! i've always wanted my tattoo to really mean something to me- and it will!! my kitties paw prints!! i would love to have them done on the inside of my wrist, like on the palm side, but it is way too hot in texas to wear long sleeves all the time and i just don't know how work would react... everyone i work with is WAY religious!! and has that way old school mentality- some even that women should be at home pregnant taking care of the kids.... blech!! so more than likely i'll probably get the paws somewhere more "discrete".... like maybe on my shoulder blades or something... i would like to do ankles maybe but dunno... it also depends on how big they'll be... i don't want anything huge.... but yeah, i'm getting inked!!! when, i don't know for sure but soon i hope!!! i am so excited!! i have been trying to come up with "my" tattoo for years! and r finally "gave me permission", i think he knows me too well and knows that more than likely one will lead to one and to one more and one more... oops... no, i'll keep it under control! i just can't wait!!!

Ewok!

here are some pics of ewok... she is so precious... i found out today that ewok isn't a he.... oops... she is adorable... her eyes are tangerine- i love them!!! i was trying to take some better pics of her but she would get mad if i quit petting her and tried to take her picture.... :) i wish you could see how little she is!! these pictures don't do her justice!!

BYK's

here are a few pics of the backyard kitties... i fed them at an odd time today and they hadn't all "gathered" yet...

Tuesday

i'm all mixed up inside.... up until last night i had been in a really good mood... i was even in a good mood at work yesterday!! r and i had a really good productive weekend!! i finished with payroll on saturday and we watched the departed... i think that's it anyways... it was a good movie.... sunday after i blogged i ended up going back to bed for about an hour to take a nap... i was tired! r and i watched the busch race... i think carl finished 4th! good job!! then r mowed and i cleaned the house... the house looks really good right now!! then we watched stranger than fiction.... i made it thru about 30 minutes of the movie and fell asleep... i am horrible about falling asleep during movies... i kept waking up and trying to stay awake but that just wasn't working.... r said that the movie was good though it made him think a lot.... he's kinda worrying me because he's going thru a funk right now and can't seem to shake it...
work was very productive yesterday.... i got a lot done!!! i even had some time to work on some restaurant stuff!! it was also grandma's (mom's mom) birthday so mom, grandma, and i went out to the restaurant to eat dinner.... when i got home from work ewok was on the front porch just sitting there, looking SO cute!! (ewok is one of the backyard kitties- the only one who will let me pick him up or pet him... i've blogged about him before- the one who just wants a home and to be loved) he was on the porch all night long!! from the time i got home to the time i got up this morning... he'll sit on the window sill outside and make his "bbbbrrrrrrrrrttttttt" noise that reminds me of an ewok... i love the noise he makes.... anyways, r and i got to talking again last night about ewok and bringing him in... this is where some of my mixed up emotions are coming from....
last night when ewok was sitting on the window sill mazzy would go up to her stool in front of the window and just hiss at ewok and then run away.... she always acts like she wants to go outside and play with the other kitties but then hisses at everyone.... r and i don't know how well mazzy would take to us bringing a third kitty inside... murph would end up loving having ewok inside... mazzy though, she's a totally different story... but to me it's like the "kid dilemma"... people insist on telling you how many children you should have... like it's any of their business anyways.... and people keep telling me that 3 inside kitties is way too many.... two is enough.... how would these people feel if i told them that about their kids?!? and as far as mazzy, it's not like the child has a say about having another baby or not... the "existing" child just has to learn to deal with it... so on one hand, mazzy could just have to learn to deal with ewok... on the other hand, do we really need a third cat inside? can i/we handle that?!? is that too many?!?! i question that (along with many other things) myself.... r and i have thought about putting him on the back porch or in the garage but then he won't have a way to get outside to play with his brothers and sisters, he would basically be trapped inside the porch or the garage living by himself... am i making too much out of this, probably? either he will or he won't come inside and live with us... r told me this morning to take him to the vet one day after work.... to get his shots and make sure he's got a clean bill of health.... he just breaks my heart though... his little "bbrrrrtttt" noise and his meows!! and he's so cute, he's a runt!! his paws are tiny!! i would really like to find a good furr-ever home for him... someone that will just love him!!! if anyone is interested in a little precious golden colored tabby (with tangerine eyes!) that makes the cutest noise let me know!!
i'm about to get to work so that hopefully my mind will forget about my worries.... i've got a busy week ahead though- there's something going on every night this week except thursday.... that will probably be grocery store night since it's the only free night... i also have my back dr. visit thursday afternoon so hopefully we can get the ball rolling on getting my back "fixed".... friday night i get to go get a massage though!! i am way excited about that!!! i'm off to work for now... hopefully being productive will help me get my mind off things.... i'm hoping my emotions will level out a bit and i won't feel so torn....

Updating

i love sundays.... i am so glad it's sunday.... the one thing i'm not too fond of sundays for though, the next day is monday.... but that's ok... monday is only one day out of seven, right?!? my mood the past three or so days has been really good.... with the exception of work, but it's not even really work, it's just my co-worker... i know, they say that those you do not get along with or like are your greatest teachers... that makes me cringe because the last thing i want to do is to learn anything from him... i know that is a horrible attitude to have but right now we're not on speaking terms... ok fine, more like, i'm not speaking to him... i absolutely love my job with the exception of him... i'm working on that though.... i've only been working on "dealing with him" since august 2004... man, what progress i'm making!! (he is an ass though!) ok, enough about rrll.... that's not why i blogged today!!
my to-do lists are getting shorter both at home and at work!! YEAH!! i do need to catch up on some restaurant stuff but that won't take me long... i just need to figure my february payroll and sales tax numbers.... i hope to get the house cleaned today so that will free up thursday night this week.... if i don't clean today my only "free" night this week will be monday... so i'm really hoping to get it done today....
there is a race today but it's not the cup race, it's the busch race... in NASCAR there are three different series you can race in.... the truck series, the busch series, and the cup series... carl is driving i think 4 truck races this season (that's where he started out at) and is running a full busch and cup season.... the busch race doesn't come on til this afternoon so maybe if i get to cleaning i can watch the race, or at least part of it... i like watching the busch races though they aren't quite the "priority" that the cup races are.... they're really fun to watch though because there are usually a lot of cautions/wrecks.... plus, i get to see carl race!!
besides being busy there hasn't been all that much going on... r and i have just been working... my back has been hurting like there is no tomorrow but i go to the dr. on thursday!! i can make it til then!!! i just hope we can get this show on the road fast!! get it fixed up!!! friday at work i thought my body was having a race to see if my head was going to explode or if my back was going to blow out first...
our weather has been crazy down here in texas, like usual.... it was chilly thursday, friday, and saturday.... but with the exception of those 3 days, from last monday up until the end of next week, it's been in the high 60s or 70s.... it has been so nice and i've got some serious spring fever!!! this week is supposed to be beautiful!! i love having the windows open!! anyways, i just wanted to "break in" and blog... i'm off to start cleaning the house... hopefully while i'm doing this r will mow the grass then we can clean up the cars... that's the plan anyways... we'll see how it all plays out!! here's to a great sunday and to a great beginning of a new week!!!