Checking In

well, it's thursday night and my vacation is almost over with... work week wise anyways... that's ok though... the break was nice! i got a lot accomplished over the week though... not a huge project but lots of little things... i just did a little each day... and it was good!
christmas was great! r and i hung out with my parents, grandma, and uncle gary christmas eve... christmas day we went to grandma's and saw everyone, minus the brother, and then we went to r's dad's house, minus r's brother too... it was kinda sad that scott wasn't there but people and traditions change i suppose.... people grow up and go their own ways... i have accepted that but i'm still not 100% happy with it.... that's ok though, i have lots of time to learn to accept it...
this week i started trying to watch what i'm eating... i went to the mall (ok, really only old navy, those who know me know i am not a big shopper) earlier this week and it was depressing!! yuck!! so i figured since i'm trying to change mentally i should try to change physically too... i am going to start working out... i don't care what it is but i am going to start doing something! and watching what i eat! that's another key factor!! i know i can do this, now i just need too!! i will feel a lot better about myself! and lose weight, which i need to do!
it's been a pretty quiet week around here and i'm not complaining! i know work is going to be hectic when i get back, until we get caught up anyways! that's ok though, i'm prepared... and i'm going to get an hour and a half massage saturday morning! yes!! i will be all relaxed for the new year!
r and i have been talking to k and her husband, b, in iowa park and it seems that there may be an opportunity for us in "the village", keep your fingers crossed! i really don't want to say much else besides it would be a wonderful opportunity for us, especially r, and it's something that we've been talking about for a while, just kicking the idea around... and knowing what i know now, if this is supposed to happen it will... this whole thing just seems too perfect... though we're not very far into it yet... actually, we've just barely broken the surface... but i know that given the right circumstances, which will happen if it's meant too, we can (and will!) make this happen and be successful at it! i am confident that all is well in our lives though... that our lives will take the course that we designate and that everything that is supposed to happen will! and it's such a good time in our lives to take a chance, if we decide too... we don't have anyone else to support, i.e. "real" children (the kitties aren't too expensive, hehe!)... and now is the time if we're going to do something... the way i see it, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime... for us! i really feel in my heart that this will work, i know we can make it work, and i have such a good feeling that it will work and it will be the most amazing thing! it will be a lot of work but that's ok, it will give us something to do... it will be stressful too, but, that's ok... nothing we can't handle... it seems that the "master plan" that k and i talked about many years ago is coming true... it all seems to be falling into place... how wonderful! all i needed to do was believe! see what happens when you believe! everything happens for a reason! it's so incredible to sit here and think about everything that is manifesting itself in our lives... just in the near future... i am really excited about the opportunity that is presenting itself and am know that whatever happens is happening for a reason... i hope that all is well with you and yours...

Down but Not Out

it's been a long week... i would say a long month but i don't really think that december has been that bad... i just need to adjust my attitude, but like i said yesterday i just don't really care... and to be perfectly honest, i don't really care about anything right now... r has been stressed lately and that makes communication difficult... and if communication is difficult then everything else is going to be strained... so not only is work driving me nuts so is not being able to talk to r, really talk to him... he's been driving me nuts though lately too... but i think that's just because he's stressed and i'm stressed and we're both just really edgy, it's a vicious circle isn't it?
this is nuts, i just took a little break and turned on some tunes and i must say, i'm feeling a tad bit better... almost like i'm afraid to let myself feel better... obviously i missed the computer a little bit... and missed my tunes a little bit... that's kinda crazy (scary?) how something can change your attitude like that... i wonder if that's normal... no pills though! that is a good thing (i just realized that!!) maybe i got angry so that i would acknowledge that i am control of me! (and my thoughts, attitude, everything!!) (is this crazy?!?! i feel kinda nuts, especially writing about it... is it normal to have such "mood swings?")... maybe it was a combination of things, blogging, the tunes, just getting it all out at home (not at work)... whatever the reason, i feel much better now!! i am in an excellent mood!!
all of r's christmas presents are here except for two... and i hate to say that it was the two that i was most excited about... that's ok though, he'll just get a late christmas present... that's a positive! who knows, maybe they'll come in tomorrow... it wouldn't be such a problem except that i'm having them delivered to work and we're on vacation next week... it will all work out though!!
the computer desk came in yesterday... i'm glad that r took the day off so he was here to sign for it... the driver helped him move it into the garage, very nice, it was SO heavy!! we moved it in piece by piece and he put it together... i was "helping" for the first part but i think i might have been a little more stressful so i started playing kingdom hearts, helping out when he needed me too... it was an experience i can say for sure... hopefully i'll be smart enough to remember that the next time we're both stressed out it's probably not a good idea to try to assemble a huge L shaped computer desk... it had some crazy unreal number of pieces.. it is assembled though and i'm happy with it... i must say it looks really good in here! maybe one day we can get the new vertical blinds up! between the new carpet, the new computer desk, and the new vertical blinds it's looking really good in here! (i'm sure the massive cleaning job has something to do with it too!)
i got my hair done tonight and i really like it! it's getting long, for me anyways... my hairdresser's mom was in there when i first got there (and i've known her since we were in 3rd grade) and her mom was talking about this bookkeeper that they hired and how she's not doing a good job... my hairdresser, s, said well you should have hired me.. then we got to discussing salary and bonuses... man, it's crazy! and s's dad is running the company now... he's the big boss man... very tempting but at the same time i have to say that i've got it good... my job is very cushy... plus, my boss is awesome! i really like him.. the co-worker, well, he's just old, but the boss is excellent! i couldn't ask for a better boss!! speaking of work, i think i'm going to use my christmas bonus for a massage... i could put it towards bills but man, i'd really like to have a massage... plus, it's christmas and i haven't had a massage in a long time!! right after the holidays, that would be nice... i just realized why r is stressed, the holidays! duh! he always stresses during the holidays!! you'd think i'd remember that by now!!
going back and rereading this post... is it normal to have such random crazy thoughts and mood swings? my mind just seems to jump from one thing to another... i mean, i've been angry for a few days, it's been growing, but now i feel better... i don't know exactly what it was or what combination of things changed my attitude and thoughts in such a short period of time.. that's kinda scary to me, maybe?!? as mom says, i made an elephant out of a mosquito... but that's ok because my "angry spell" didn't last that long... and i realized that this was a lesson to me... i learned and realized (and now believe) that i can control my emotions and thoughts... i anticipate hard/bad times but that's to be expected... the challenges are there to teach us lessons... i need to find the positive in every situation! i can and will deal with the challenges as they come to me.. everything happens for a reason....
*somehow this ended up being a somewhat conscious stream of thought... sorry if it bored you to tears... i'm still somewhat indecisive about actually posting it.. we'll see if anyone else ever reads it...

Blah

as momma said this morning, only 3 working days left this year for me... i'm excited about that but i'm just blah today... nothing imparticular has happened (or not happened) i'm just funky for some reason... and i'm not sure why... pms could be a part of it.... i only have about a ton of things to get done at work before this week is over, and i'm not sure if we're working a full day friday or not, and i have no desire whatsoever to get any of it done... i just really don't care... i know that's not a good attitude to have but, well, right now it's what i've got... i should really be reading "i surrender" but to be honest, i don't even want to do that.... maybe it's the holidays finally sinking in.... maybe it's the fact that i've been racking my brain trying to think of some gift for mom and dad (either together or separate) to get them that would thank them for everything that they have done for us and i can't come up with anything!! it's very frustrating! i can't come up with one half decent idea.... i know that's frustrating me... and i know that they don't care about the gifts but for once i would really like to get them something that they could/would really use/enjoy... and i'm stumped... i wish i could just go to lunch and not come back until after the holidays... no can do though.... besides working there isn't much going on... just waiting for the end of the week.... well, the boss just called with more stuff for me to add to my list of things to do so i'd better get motivated and get a move on....

Tired!

it is monday and i am tired! i have no idea why, it's not like i stayed up late over the weekend or anything! we had a really good weekend though! friday night r and i worked on the backroom some more and got everything that's going back in the backroom back in there... we're just waiting on the new computer desk though! saturday k and i went christmas shopping and ran errands... we had a really good time and it wasn't the least bit stressful at all (even though there were a bizillion people out!).... she dropped me off while she ran home and then we all met up and had branding iron for dinner and then went to braums for ice cream! it was too good!! k and i did find an excellent special while we were out shopping though! we were in jcpenney's and were looking at rugs and decided to just pop into the vertical blinds... they were half price!! i got some brand new vertical blinds for $30!! that is way awesome, that was the find of the day! then we had to drive around with these huge blinds in her 4runner but that's ok! yesterday my mother-in-law and step-father-in-law were in town, and will be until tuesday, so they took r and i out to eat.... we went and visited with them for a little bit and then they dropped us off... it was just a nice, quiet, relaxing weekend! i hope this weekend is the same! and i am looking forward to my week off!! i am tired and don't want to do anything, well, not much anyways!! monday hasn't been bad, just tired.... ready for friday!! and i hope next week drags by! there's not much going on here... i was thinking that since this was the last week before we were on vacation i might be busy but not so far... that's ok though, i'll just save it up til the end so i'm busy until it's time to go! anyways, i'm going to sit and watch the squirrels play on top of the building across the street and try to teach myself to sleep with my eyes open!

We Are Carpenters

ok, so maybe not really carpenters but mom and i did some awesome work on the baseboards last night at the house!!! mom and i went to the lumber yard when i got off work and picked up the baseboards... we decided to go ahead and give the baseboards a try, besides, we bought extra material so it was ok if we goofed up a few... amazingly, the baseboards went very well!! we finished the whole backroom except for 3 little pieces that needed to be cut out with a hand saw, which we didn't happen to have.... we could have finished the whole room if the corner moulding wouldn't have been short in the corners, but that's ok! i just sat back there on the couch last night, waiting for r to get home, looking at the baseboards and admiring our work! i think we did an excellent job! i am so pleased! and now r can get to moving the stuff back in the backroom! i need to get some new vertical blinds now because the ones that are up are just a tiny bit on the filthy side, oops! i am so happy about the baseboards though! i can't believe that mom and i got so much accomplished last night! we just rocked on!! i just had to share that! it was too much fun!!

Moody (and Venting)

it's thursday and i'm so glad! only 6 more working days after today and then i'm on vacation! needless to say, i'm really looking forward to it! we got our new carpet in the backroom yesterday and it looks SO good! i absolutely love it! (now i just can't wait until we can get both bedrooms recarpeted!!) it's amazing what a difference new carpet makes! and it's so clean and nice! i could go on and on!! it looks so great! now i can't wait to get the baseboards replaced, get my new computer desk in there, and get the room loaded back up!! it's going to look awesome!! and i'm getting new vertical blinds for the sliding glass door too!! yes!!! all new and clean!! i am so excited!!!
i've been moody the past week or so and i think it might be because i've been filling my mind with true crime books instead of positive thoughts like i should be! but i really do plan on re-reading "i surrender"!! i need to get out of this funk!! yuck!! and it seems like everyone and everything is getting on my last nerve (there are a few exceptions!)!! i could just yank my hair out! but i won't... i'll stay calm, cool, and relaxed! not a problem at all!! (yes, i am trying to convince myself of that too!!)...
there hasn't been too much going on besides the "backroom project"... don't get me wrong, that's enough project for me right now! it's been pretty quiet and peaceful, which is fine by me!!
i can't believe there's only 9 days left until christmas! that is so crazy!! tonight after work i need to go get the baseboards (and anything else that we might need to put them down), run some errands, and go to petco... i am trying to convince myself to just go to petco instead of just ordering online but the shipping is free! and well, i'm not a big shopper... so i might just order the kitties stuff online... and to be honest i would rather shop online!! all i want to do after work is just go home and stay there... i think it's partly the hermit in me coming out and my irritation lately... everyone is just getting on my nerves and the last thing i really want to do is go shopping with a ton of people! no thanks! but, there are some things that i can't buy online... and that's probably a good thing!
i really need to work on controlling my irritation... or get in a better mood or something... my co-worker is about to drive me up the wall!! i feel like he does everything intentionally (he might or might not, this is just how i feel) to make my job harder and more stressful.. this shouldn't (and doesn't need) to be a stressful job, i just feel that he makes it that way! it's like he doesn't even consider me (or my feelings) when he makes these stupid decisions... he acted like he got irritated with me the other day because he was asking me questions about medicare part d and i didn't know... ok, you're the only one up here who is requesting medicare, you find out... and then he was asking me questions about our insurance and his diabetic supplies, once again, i had no idea... i could call and ask but he reminds me of my father-in-law... if they ask a question i can give them an answer but they act like they don't believe me... so why should i waste my time calling and finding answers for him when he's not going to listen to me anyways... 2 cases- 1) father-in-law asked if he could write a check at this restaurant, yes i said, so he keeps asking other people.. then he wants to know if he can leave the tip in the check, yes i said again, so he keeps asking other people... then he's worried that because he left the tip in the check that the server isn't going to get it... he will i said... but no, so we wait for change from the check and then he hands the tip to the server because he didn't want someone else to steal it... case 2) co-worker askes me about a disc that he has for his old laptop, mind you it has windows 95 on it... this was right after we got our new computers up here... i told him, the formats aren't going to be the same, we can download those forms when the internet is hooked up... not good enough, he keeps trying to put that old disc in his new laptop... he finally ends up breaking the new laptop... well, the floppy disc drive anyways... then he comes in here and is like, i think i broke the laptop.. yeah, he stuck his pocketknife in it to get the old disc out... i'm not saying i'm right all the time but i don't feel that i should waste my time or breath when the answer i give isn't going to satisfy them anyways... that's my whole point... so, old man, don't get an attitude with me because you're older than dirt and you're angry because your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it too.... don't blame me... and i know it's nothing that i personally did, but it just irritates me that, i feel like, he's taking it out on me! that's crap!! i know that i'm not perfect, not even close. and i know that i take stuff out on other people that i shouldn't... and i know that's wrong... but at the same time, it's usually r or k who catches the brunt of my anger... and they know the anger is not directed at them but at someone/something else.... i suppose you could say that i know that too in the situation of my co-worker but to me it doesn't feel the same... my co-worker and i are not even close to having any kind of relationship like r or k and i do... i mean, there is no comparison there at all... i guess i just needed to vent!
i know it's ok to get angry because it means that you feel something and feeling is good but it's what you do with your anger (or project your anger at) that you need to watch... and that's my problem now, i've managed to control my anger, for the most part, now i just need to learn to let it go... get angry and then get over it... so that's my goal now...
one more thing before i go work, daddy told me that my brother isn't coming home for christmas... this is a first... thanksgiving isn't so bad because i know that he's coming home in a month but not this year... i read in the paper today, sharon randall's column- i love it!, that as the years go by the traditions change and that there is nothing wrong with that but i have a hard time with change... i do and i can admit it, i can even laugh about it unless it's actually time to change, no more laughing then... quite scary i must say! but unless i want to end up like my co-worker i need to learn to adapt to change! so the brother isn't coming to texas for christmas this year, that's a bummer! i hope he has a merry christmas where ever he is though! on that note i'm going to pay bills and type up payroll sheets for 2006!!

Friends

i received this email today and it made me think about my relationships with my friends.... i decided to post it on my blog because i really like what it says (and it's true!)...

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFE TIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Purging & Productive

i must say that this was an excellent weekend! friday night our friends from dallas came in and we visited with them (i received an excellent gift that i absolutely love and already have on my desk!! it is such a special gift because of who it's from but to make it even more special, it has history behind it! i couldn't be more excited!!) it's so nice to be able to get together with b & k to hang out and catch up...
saturday night we went to see the lights in chickasha at the festival of lights... i don't know how to exactly describe it, it's in a park up in oklahoma and they have all these "things" made out of lights... like the grinch and his dog max, crosses, different names for Jesus, a gingerbread house, frogs, butterflies, santa waterskating, getting his hair cut, and things like that... and everything is made out of lights... they have a bridge and gazebo covered in lights and they are absolutely beautiful... it has 2.5 million lights! it is so amazing! here is the website link if you are interested... http://www.fol.net/ ... next year we decided we are going to walk the park, the past couple of years we've just driven thru... i don't know how long the line was but it took us about an hour to get up to the gate the first time and then we decided to go thru again but it took maybe 10 minutes to get back to the gate... needless to say, the line was super long the first time through but it does move pretty quickly... it's well worth the wait though! this is the most beautiful and awesome thing i have ever seen! it's absolutely incredible to me that they can do this all with lights!! that was amazing!
yesterday r and i were busy all day long! i think we worked for about 8 hours or so on the the house... we started cleaning out the second bedroom so that we would have a place to put the stuff from the back room... we got the second bedroom cleaned out and started unloading the backroom.... the backroom is totally clear except for the blue couch and the computer desk with the basic computer on it... i couldn't bear to tear the computer down yet! so tuesday night should be relatively simple, move the computer, the computer desk, and the couch, and then the backroom is clear and ready for carpet... the backroom looks so huge with nothing in it... it's nuts! the rest of the house is a disaster though... it was my weekend to clean but since the carpet was coming on wednesday i decided to put it off until the new carpet is here... the house would just get dirty again anyways... we're going to do a little rearranging in the backroom too! (i got to buy my christmas present from r last night... it's a computer desk, and i love it! it's awesome! i can't wait for it to get here!!) the backroom is going to look excellent!! after we finished clearing out the backroom we cooked dinner and then watched saw... we hadn't seen it before and it was ok... it was supposed to be a horror movie but it wasn't really that scary... i kinda lost interest in it, it was kinda boring to me... we had a really good weekend though! it started off excellent and ended excellent!!
9 more working days after today and then i'm on vacation for a week!! i am really looking forward to that! r's going to take off the end of the week.... there are some things that we have talked about doing to the house and i'm hoping that we can get some of those done either before or while we're off... it'll be nice though!! things are good in my world... serene... and i'm trying to stay that way even though my patience are being tested! but that's ok... i am going to stay serene today! i have no reason to stress and so i shouldn't be stressing!! i have decided that i do need to keep rereading "i surrender"... it seems that when it starts to slip from my mind that's when my attitude changes too.... i'm glad that i am conscious of that though!!
happy monday to everyone!!

Irritable

i have no idea why but i am so irritable today... i just want to scream! my co-worker is driving me up the wall... every little thing that he does is making me crazy!! man alive!! i'm trying so hard to control my irritation but it is very difficult... i feel like i am going out of my mind and it's been a while since i've felt like this... i really honestly think that he's losing his mind, on top of just getting old and more gripey everyday! and to be such a "good christian man" he sure isn't very thankful (for anything!)... he just expects certain things and if they don't happen or don't happen in his time frame he's not happy! i realize that everyone is like that to a certain degree, i am i know, but (and this is just my personal opinion) his is over stupid things that shouldn't be expected, like our bonuses... and he gripes about our boss so much it's not even funny! but then when the boss gets here it's all about him working... which, yeah, whatever... i'm not even going to touch that right now... talk about getting fired up! i have tried to calm myself down, well, calm the irritation down and it's not working very well... but that's ok... i'm not having a bad day per say but it's not an excellent one either... my intentions worked though... i was hoping to feel better after blogging this and getting it off my chest and i do! good stuff!!

Grateful cont'd...

i just wanted to add that i am grateful to have a house (to live in with my wonderful husband and my two kitties) for the heater to quit working in... i'm not saying i'm grateful that the heater broke, i'm just glad that i have a home, and if the heater is going to break, so be it... we can get it fixed... that's what i was thinking about during lunch, that i should be grateful to have a house so that the heater can break... some don't have that... i'm grateful for everything and everyone that i do have in my life... i'm grateful that i have the ability to see (or to try to see!) the positive in everything... i'm grateful to have such wonderful friends and family that are there for me!!

Grateful

it's monday and i just wanted to blog for a few minutes... momma and daddy got r and i new carpet for the backroom for christmas and we are so excited about it! we got a really good deal on it and the backroom is going to look so much better! i can't wait to get it installed now!! i am so super excited!!! awesome!!!
we had a good weekend... until last night... our heater quit working and it was in the 20's this morning.. at least that's what the weather last night said it was going to be... i didn't ever actually check the temperature, all i know is that it was cold!! so our heater decided to quit working last night and r and i only have one blanket, mental note- get more blankets! and a space heater!, so needless to say it was a long night.... murph slept under the covers right next to me all night long, poor guy, i think he was cold! james lane came out this morning and fixed the heater.. i was so worried that it was going to be something terribly expensive or that they were not going to be able to fix it today but luckily it wasn't... it only took about 45 minutes for them to fix it and cost less than $100.... not cheap but not near as expensive as it could have been! they say that there is something positive in every situation... i am looking and thinking to find the positive in this situation and maybe i have already recognized it but just don't realize it yet.... the repair could have been much more costly or they might not have been able to fix it today... on the other hand, maybe we had the repair done so that something worse didn't happen.... i'm just grateful that the heater is working! don't get me wrong, the heater got to me this morning... i was in tears... and was very worried... until i talked to the repairman... things are better now! i'm still not as cheery as i was yesterday (or hoped to be today!) but that's ok... small baby steps! now i'm just tired... i didn't sleep very well last night because it was so cold but that's ok... i can sleep tonight!

Happy Days Are Here Again

welcome to the life of a crazy person, you never know when you're going to have a good day or a bad day... today is a good day! i started working on these exercises that came out of the "i surrender ebook" yesterday and it was absolutely amazing how much better these exercises can make you feel! i cleared out my negative thoughts! (for now anyways!) but as the author said, it's not easy at first but it will get easier with time! so, that's what i'm shooting for! i really did feel better yesterday after working on those exercises... and i'm still feeling good today! positive thoughts have helped! knowing that others have struggled reassures me that i'm not the only one who is struggling (that sounds horrible i know!!) i just wanted to blog my happiness! the past few blogs haven't been all that cheerful so i thought i'd let everyone know that i'm feeling and doing much better! (and i think what was wrong with me yesterday was too much sinus medicine... i had a horrible headache and took some excedrin sinus before i left for work and then at work took some alka seltzer plus medicine and i think that's what was behind the omnious panick attacky feeling.. i kinda forgot that i had already taken some sinus medicine.... i say forgot, i might have not even thought that i took it because my head was hurting so bad!! the head is better though!!) things are looking up! there is a positive in every situation, sometimes you just have to look for it!

Just Here

i'm sitting here at work thinking, man, last week at this time i was all excited about the long weekend coming up... too bad that's not every week.... i'm bummed today... i'm really trying not to be but i can't seem to shake it.... hopefully my mood will improve as the day goes on... there really isn't anything going on ... just waiting on the rest of the time so that i can process payroll... after that, well, nothing really... waiting on 5....
i can't put my finger on what it is but something is bothering me... i can feel it at the back of my mind... almost like it's on the tip of my tongue... i just feel that something is not right... and i'm not even sure that's a good way to describe it... it's an unsettling feeling, omnious maybe?... like a bad panic attack that's trying to come on.... it feels like it's trying to creep in... it's already managed to work it's way into my brain, partly anyways... i just wish i could identify exactly what is bothering me so that i could work on not letting it bother me... i don't know if that makes any sense or not.... i'm not sure how to go about pinpointing what the problem is either.... maybe i can figure out what it is....

Frustrated

i woke up this morning frustrated and i'm not 100% sure why... i had a really bad dream last night... i woke up about 3 this morning sweating, my side of the bed was just soaked, so was my hair, pj's, everything! needless to say, it was not a happy dream... plus, r has been cranky in the night and the mornings towards the kitties... their schedules are crazy right now and they either want to play or want treats all thru the early morning hours... mazzy went thru this but luckily she "grew out of it"... i'm hoping murph will too... not getting a good nights sleep may have something to do with why i'm cranky....
i also wanted to clarify something... i said in my blog yesterday that christmas was my favorite time of the year.... it is, but not because of the presents, at all!! it's because the whole family is there... not just the "thanksgiving" part of the family but the whole family! (and contrary to what people might think) i do love my family... mom's side of the family is awesome! there are some people that i miss on daddy's side of the family but i really look forward to seeing mom's side of the family.... maybe it's because everyone keeps coming back at christmas (and have for as long as i can remember)... i realize that it's not possible for everyone, i.e. dad's side of the family, to come back and that's ok... no hard feelings at all... i really enjoy getting to see s and uncle g... uncle g is really awesome because he has the neatest stories to tell..... places he's traveled... what's he doing.... and he just does his own thing.... that is fascinating to me...
i was kinda down yesterday and today but i'm trying to not let it get to me.. i know the headache that developed last night isn't helping any... it feels like the left side of my head is about to blow up....
on that note, i've been thinking and i think i don't like me... i realize that needs some clarification but i'm not happy with what i think about when i think of me... so i need to change my thoughts, i realize that.... i'm working on that... it's a lot easier to change your thoughts regarding something or someone else than it is regarding you... i could just think, i'm not.. whatever it is i'm thinking about myself but that is hard because i don't really believe it... you must believe what it is you're thinking and when it comes to myself i'm having a hard time with that... i must work on this some more... i think pms may be part of the problem too right now.... anyways, when i think about me, most of the time, i don't think positive thoughts... they're negative and not nice... i don't see why i shouldn't be able to think about me in the same light that i am trying to think about everyone else... more positive, less negative. i didn't get this way overnight so i'm not going to be (and shouldn't expect to) change overnight... baby steps i keep telling myself...
speaking of changing the way you think, i got the results back from my cat scan... nothing showed up... which is good news, i'm glad.... so, does that mean that there is nothing wrong with my body or head to be causing my headaches? i don't know... i surely can't imagine that these headaches are all in my head and have been there for years... maybe they have... do i just think the headaches away? that's what i'm going to try to do i guess... i don't know what else to do... since i've had "every test known to man" done and nothing is wrong with me i'm stumped.... i feel like such a hypochondriac, that there is always something wrong with me... i can never just be happy and well... what i wouldn't give just to be happy and well though! no more headaches, like this anyways... what a relief! no more back problems and pain... no more depression and anxiety... life would be so awesome! i'm not saying that it can't be that way, currently that's just not my outlook.... anyways, i just thought i'd blog some of the stuff that has been tumbling around in my head the past couple of days.... get it out of my head and maybe i'll feel a little better! keep your fingers crossed!!

the Holidays

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

well, it's monday after thanksgiving and i can say that i have not bought one single christmas present yet... that's ok though... i have no idea what to get anyone anyways... r and i had a nice long weekend.... we didn't do much, just kinda worked around the house and enjoyed our time off! we did make a list though of stuff that we would like to do to the house and i am really excited about that.... just a few of the things on the list are: new light fixtures in the kitchen and hall... take down the mirrors on the wall in the hall, replace the front screen door, "re-tile" the kitchen and the kitties bathroom, and carpet the back room and both bedrooms... some of the items take $$ and some don't require as much $$ so i think we're just going to start where we can and work on that... i think that just replacing the light fixtures and getting the mirrors off the wall in the hall will make a big difference!! and i am excited about that! the house just needs some updating!

we think our tv in the living room is about to go out... it's acting weird and the picture is starting to get dark... we would like to buy a big screen but once again $$ is required... we'll just have to see how things go! hopefully our tv won't go out before we can get a new one though! no tv, oh no!!

coming back to work today was difficult... i just wanted to stay home with the kitties! i know they were probably ready for both of us to go back to work!! it was a nice long weekend though! now i just have to work 20 more days and then i get a week off, 9 days counting the weekends... but who's counting?!? i am looking forward to christmas, thanksgiving was really nice though, it's always really nice to get to see everyone! christmas is better because s is in town! even if it is for only a short period of time! i miss him and love getting to see him!

i am working on staying positive... i noticed that it was kinda hard when i was at home because all i did besides work around the house was read and watch tv... i'm reading true crime books right now and we watched the bondathon on spike tv (james bond).... we always watch the bondathon... i guess it's tradition for r and i... it's easy to let yourself get distracted by the books or the movies though and i just kept reminding myself, don't be stressed/angry/mad (or whatever), there is no reason to feel that way, any stress right now is stress that i have brought on myself and doesn't need to be there... it's true though, what you put into life is what you get back....

i haven't been enjoying the true crime books as much as i was before... since i've been trying to change my way of thinking i have noticed that some of the things that i used to enjoy i don't enjoy so much anymore... now i just need to replace those with something else... yoga keeps pushing itself into my mind and i sure would love to start doing yoga again... i really need to try to get yoga into my daily schedule... i know i would feel much better!! there are several things that i need to start doing!

speaking of starting to do things... i really need to start exercising, yoga!, and watching what i eat... i got on the scale saturday and it was upsetting! i have gained 9lbs!! i can tell because my clothes don't feel as loose as they had! that is upsetting but i can't blame anyone else for it! it's my fault! so now i have to do something about it! i have too!! and i plan on it!

i'm off to try to find some heart healthy recipes! until later...

Pondering Thoughts

If you want to change your life - RIGHT NOW - there is nothing more powerful than changing what you believe.

lately i have "stumbled" upon many emails and articles dealing with fear vs. love based actions and forgiveness... i know the universe is trying to tell me to just let it all go... all the ugliness, hatred, and negative feelings that i still harbor inside of me... and i am really trying to work on that so that i can accomplish that... this one article that i'm currently reading (here is the website address if you wish to read the whole article: http://www.everydaywisdom.us/articles/article_nl.htm) describes the way i feel and then goes on to describe the way i should think:

We learn to choose fear and don’t forgive ourselves or anyone else for mistakes until they suffer just the right amount. I’m not talking about the authentic emotion of fear in the moment of danger that is revealing the truth of the situation, I’m talking about unfounded fear, fear based on lies. Every moment has an emotional perspective. So, all our experiences, no matter how old, have emotional memory. Past experiences have an emotional point of view that was, in the moment they happened, telling the truth. If emotional drama and judgement follow then the perspective is full of fear. Fear we won’t be accepted. Fear we are not enough. Fear we won’t get it right. Fear we’re not safe. But these fears are not about any clear or present danger, they are the emotions attached to old memories that in this moment simply are not true. Only the servants of fear do not forgive. Sometimes we make choices that don't work out and we later regret. It can be a learning experience, or a lifelong wound. It’s up to you to choose. If you don’t like the results of your actions do something else. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are constantly changing, evolving and growing. Your best self is what you are right now, nothing more, nothing less. Your best self in the future is whatever you decide it will be when you take action to make it so.

that is me... i don't feel that i should be forgiven for my mistakes (or that anyone else should, maybe not anyone but for sure certain people, and yes, it is the same people over and over) until i have suffered to the extreme.... i need to know and feel the pain that i have caused myself (and others need to feel the pain that they have caused me) before i can really let it go... and sometimes not even then... for instance, grandma c... crazy nut that she is, i still harbor very negative feelings for her... have i forgiven her for her "attitude and slights toward me" when in reality she is just acting the way she always does, towards everyone... i'm honestly not sure... i have been thinking about this a lot lately and i can't figure it out... when i think about her i don't get raving mad like i used too... but at the same time i still get a little knot in my stomach... (at least i've managed to work it down to just a little knot instead of just flying off the handle).... i have been trying to remember the feeling i felt when all this different stuff happened with grandma c... and to be honest, i can and can't.... i know what she said hurt me... i didn't think grandma's were supposed to think like that... or actually say things like that... and this was years ago... i think that maybe part of what she said lead to some of my insecurities... i'm not blaming it all on her (it's not all her fault, i let her affect me like that)... i'm working on chosing love and positive ways of thinking as opposed to fear and negative ways of thinking... We each create our own reality simply by what we agree to believe. i know deep down in my soul that this statement is true now i just need to align my thoughts and beliefs with that statement, no more doubting! like i keep saying, i am working on it! and i know i can do it! i have faith in myself and i know that i do want and need to change and i am going too! it's so crazy the way that the phrase what you put into life is what you get out of it is so true! i have seen it in many small ways so far and am trying to change my way of thinking so that all things that are manifested in my life are positive... and in every situation there is a positive, sometimes you might have to look for it but it is there!

tomorrow is thanksgiving and i have been thinking today about the things that i am grateful for... the list is so long and continues to grow! we shouldn't have to have a holiday to say thank you to the universe for all that it has provided for us... we should be thankful every day for what we have and for what has been provided for us. i am trying to keep that in the back of my mind; to be thankful always. on that note, i am getting ready to leave on this wonderful 4 day weekend! i leave you with this thought:

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million people around the world that won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world!
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy!!
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all!!!!
Please share this reminder of the many blessings we share to others who might appreciate this gentle reminder of just how fortunate they really are too.

SIMPLICITY
Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
Where there is tiredness or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
Where there is fear, I wish you love and courage.

Embracing Unpredictability

every day i receive several emails from different groups regarding positive thoughts, how to keep your thoughts positive, how positive thinking affects your health, and similar things along those lines... today was a very good email from DailyOM....

Embracing Unpredictability
When Life Throws You A Curve Ball
In life, we are always setting goals for ourselves and working to make them happen. This gives us focus and ensures that we use our time and energy efficiently and effectively. It also provides us with a sense of purpose and direction. We know where we are going and what we want to do. But quite often, due to forces outside our control, things do not go as we had planned-the flat tire on the way to the wedding, the unforeseen flu virus-and we have to adjust to a postponement or create a whole new set of circumstances. Even positive turns of fortune - an unexpected influx of cash or falling in love - require us to be flexible and to reconsider our plans and priorities, sometimes in the blink of an eye. This is what happens when life throws you a curve ball.The ability to accept what is happening and let go of your original expectations is key when dealing with these unexpected turns of fate. We have a tendency to get stuck in our heads, clinging to an idea of how we think life should go, and we can have a hard time accepting anything that doesn't comply with that idea. The fact is that life is unpredictable. The trip you thought was for business - and when the deal fell through, you got depressed - actually landed you at the airport two days earlier than planned so you could meet the love of your life. Your car breaks down, and you are late for an appointment. While it's true that you never arrive at that important meeting, you end up spending a few relaxing hours with people you would never have met otherwise.In order to keep us awake to opportunity and to teach us equanimity, the universe throws us the occasional curve ball. Remember that curve balls are not only life's way of keeping us awake, which is a gift in and of itself; they are also often life's way of bringing us wonderful surprises. Next time a curve ball comes your way, take a deep breath, say thank you, and open your mind to a new opportunity.

Tired!

i haven't blogged in a week.. my head has been bothering me and i have had so much stuff going on... i had a cat scan done on my head on monday to see if there is something "medically" wrong with my head that keeps causing me to have these headaches... for the past several years my sinus infections that i thought i kept getting (along with my doctor) haven't really been sinus infections... well, some of them might have been but not all of them... for some reason, and we don't know why, my head hurts, pretty much all the time... there might be one or two days out of the week where my head doesn't hurt (or not very bad anyways) but for the most part it's a constant headache... not just a small one either... on the really "good" days it feels like someone is stabbing an ice pick in my sinuses usually above my right eye... it usually hurts on the right side... so i had a cat scan done since the headaches have been so consistent for so long and the intensity of the headaches has been growing... i don't know what to think about my headaches... it's a catch 22... i don't want anything to show up on the cat scan because then that will involve my head/brain/sinuses but if nothing shows up then does that mean that there is no reason that i should be having these headaches? i don't know... all i know is that we finally got my back "fixed".. it hasn't bothered me in a while, other than the occasional ache or pain.... but now my head... i talked to momma and she said i've had headaches my whole life... and i don't think i've ever had any tests run to see if there was a reason.... so, i guess we'll just have to wait and see....
murph has acne, still.... poor guy.. i took him to the vet two fridays ago and they gave him so antibiotics and i can't really tell if they're helping or not... he has some acne on his neck now, it's not just below his lower lip... so we may be planning on another trip to the vet... they said if his acne doesn't clear up they may have to give him monthly steriod shots... poor little murph!! it doesn't bother him but the vet said it can cause an infection so we need to watch it...
besides that r and i have been trying to work around the house and get things cleaned up and/or fixed up... it's just really frustrating to try and do something when my head hurts as bad as it does... but, we're doing the best we can and that's all we can do... i trust though that there is a plan and whatever the plan is going to be for me it's for the best... it will all work out according to the universe.... and as long as i know and trust in that everything will be good and fine...
r and i are debating on driving to new mexico for thanksgiving next week... his mom and step-dad invited us down... his mom is flying his brother out and his sister lives there so it will be mom and the kids, if we go... i wouldn't mind going but the only thing i am dreading is the drive... not there so much as back.. when we get back it'll be a mad dash to get everything done, i.e. laundry & stuff, before we have to go back to work... and i was really just hoping for a nice, quiet, relaxing long weekend... we'll see though... i'm not sure what we're going to do... and i was really hoping to try to get the christmas decorations (what we have.. hehe) out and maybe start on those... so, we'll just have to wait and see.... it's no biggie though.... whatever happens will be fine, no reason to stress over it... especially something that we have a choice about and can control...
besides my headaches things have been going very well... coincidences are popping up all over the place... the emails that i have been getting really seem to focus on what is going on with me and what reassurance i need... it's really awesome to see this power alive and working in my life... that is exciting! i'm still trying to stay positive and keep my thoughts positive! most of the time i do pretty good! r has even commented on the difference! (and you know it has to be "significant" for a man to notice a difference.. hehe).... i have noticed though that when i take a pain pill (i took one the other day to see if it would help my head any) that i was so irritable and wasn't nearly as calm as when i'm not on anything except my anti-depressants... so, now the pills are affecting me in ways that i hadn't noticed before and to be honest, i'm glad... another reason to stay off of them and not get back on them... sometimes it's still a struggle though... but i have to say that i am proud of myself, i think i'm doing really good... especially considering where i was say, 6 months or a year ago... doped up pill head... oops... but, i'm not going to lie anymore, i knew it (it did take me a while to realize it though) and didn't want to do anything about it... but i'm glad i did!! my life is changing and i am glad! i am welcoming the change!
i must say though that everything seems to be much better... life in general, my relationship with r and everyone else......this "new" way of thinking is going well and is making things so much better! i haven't really let myself into any uncomfortable situations though yet... i'm working on that... right now i'm just trying to stay in my comfort zone.... soon though, soon! i must say though that r and i have been getting along really well lately... maybe it's my new outlook on things.. all i know is that i am so happy and consider myself so lucky to have such a wonderful husband! he has been so sweet and nice lately! i am loving it! and him!
i'm going to work now, get my billing done so that i'll be through for the day! more soon!

Bad Case of the I Don't Wannas....

i am so glad that it's friday because i have a bad case of the i don't wannas today... well, it's really i just don't wanna be at work... the weather outside is beautiful, i could be at home raking leaves or something like that... why would i want to rake leaves you ask? i have no idea but since last week i have been wanting to get out in the backyard and rake some leaves... crazy!?! things are good here... i have started to see things manifest themselves in my life and i think it is wonderful... i am so thankful for everything that i have right now! i am a very lucky person!! i have a wonderful husband, two awesome (even if they do "run amuck") kitties, the best parents in the world, amazing friends, and more than i could ask for...
i received an email yesterday that made me feel much better about my "mood swings" that i've been having lately... i've been thinking, change is so hard... i've thought this way for 27 years and trying to change that is going to be difficult... change might (or might not) be hard but at the same time it's ok to get emotional.... here's what the email said.. the way that things appear when you "need" them too is incredible... loving life!!

If you're trying to change a pattern of behavior or navigate your way through a life change, don't assume that it has to be easy. Wanting to cry or being moody during a period of change is natural. Then again, don't assume that making a change needs to be hard. Sometimes, changes are meant to be that easy.