Rambling...

this is long... you can't say you weren't warned...

Where to begin… I’m not sure… I’ve been really busy lately and looking at my to-do list it doesn’t look like it’s going to get shorter anytime soon… well, not soon enough anyways… at lunch today I was thinking, you know, I would really love to have some “me” time… time where I can do whatever I want and not feel guilty because I’m not doing something else… that is something that I will have to work in and work on…. I’m really looking forward to the 3 day weekend that’s coming up… I was hoping for a couple of days to rest and relax… maybe Monday! Saturday and Sunday seem to be filling up pretty fast… but, if I can get everything accomplished that I want to accomplish, my to-do list will be much shorter… I think it may have something to do with the fact that I do have a 3 day weekend but I have stuff to do 2 of those days so far… and it’s stuff that has to be done… well, needs to be done…. Finish painting the restaurant… go buy and hang decorations… mom is making the curtains for the non-smoking dining room (awesome, one less thing I don’t have to worry about)… do payroll, since we’re going to be closed Monday everyone is getting paid Saturday…. At least I can get that done Friday night… that will be one more thing off my to-do list AND I won’t have to worry about it the rest of the weekend! ok, so thinking “aloud” about all the stuff that I have to do doesn’t seem that bad now… I’ll get the house cleaned tonight, start on the laundry tonight, and pay our personal bills tomorrow at work…. That pretty much takes care of my “home” to-do list… well, except for one thing… I think this might be what’s making me so, um, well, not wanting to do anything… for some reason this scares the hell out of me… I need to call a realtor to see about selling our house… what we need to do in order to list it and what repairs we need to make… what we need to fix-up… things like that… r is on me about moving to iowa park… I’m all for that! I am just really nervous about selling our house… not so much because I want to stay in it but because I’m scared of what the realtor and/or potential buyers will think… or that the realtor will be like, um, yeah, no one is going to want to buy your house… in all reality and to be perfectly honest, I know that is not going to happen… so why do I have that fear? I don’t know… I guess because I’m always so worried about what people think (I’m working on that!!)…. That they’re judging me (I’m working on that too)…. And that they’re going to judge me and my house… like I said, I’m working on that…
I’ve been reading self-help books if you will… I don’t really like those combination of words together but anyways, I’ve been reading these sorts of books lately… there is one author, Don Miguel Ruiz, he wrote The Four Agreements and there is a companion book that goes with it… the companion book walks you thru what the book explains… there are exercises that you can do…. Anyways, I’ve managed to ramble way off track… in the companion book Ruiz says, All of the personal drama that we experience, all the emotions that burn us up, that lead us into self-destruction, into addictions, into lies, into dogmas and fanaticism, are the result of our beliefs, the result of a program. He explains that we are the way we are because of the way that we were programmed, or domesticated (brought up, raised, taught, whatever word you choose to use). It’s no one’s fault because they were just programming us the way they were programmed… by us being taught that way, we were unable to choose our beliefs… what we wanted to believe … everyone else’s beliefs were just forced upon us and we accepted them… when the whole domestication process started (at birth) we had no choice but to believe what we were told….. ok, I could go on and on but to shorten this up, I’m working on changing my beliefs… I’m re-evaluating my beliefs and if I don’t like it, it’s changing… Ruiz said that everyone started looking for happiness outside of themselves because you no longer trust who you are… the world, society, the “domesticators” were always telling you what to believe so now you look out there for answers you can only find within yourself… not who everyone else thinks you are or who you should be…. Justice, beauty, happiness, love, and peace (everything that you are searching for or have been searching for) are all inside you… you have to find those good positive qualities inside yourself and then you will see them in others… so, in a really long, round about way, I guess I’m saying that I need to learn to be happy with me and myself and not worry about what others think about me… as long as I’m happy with myself what anyone else thinks about me will not bother me… that’s where I’m working on going… finding all these good positive qualities inside me (I know they’re in there, I have to believe that)… maybe believing in myself (more than I do)…. Ok, I’ve rambled on long enough… long enough to make myself feel better anyways… I guess I feel like, I know where I need to go, now I just need to get there… and programming these beliefs didn’t happen overnight so I can’t expect them to be gone overnight but I can start working on changing… baby steps right?!

Pet Rules

PET RULES To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Usually come when called

5. Never drive your car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Not so Bad

this morning at work i posted the other blog from today.... looking back, today wasn't that hard at all... i managed to stay positive and not let myself get down.... the day started out hard but ended excellent!! the day just kept getting better and better.... that makes me really happy since today is only monday (and monday didn't start out so good).... it only makes me hope that the week is only going to get better from here.... when i blogged earlier my computer kept saying, unable to connect to blogger... this might not save... i messed around with it for maybe 5 minutes and then just left it... went back "home" and actually forgot about blogging.... i'm glad i decided to stick around at work today... i was very productive and had a really good day!! i found out that k, my best friend, passed the last part (there were 4 parts) of her CPA exam.... now all she has to do is take an ethics class and test... she is good to go!! she has been working on this for several years and i am so excited for her!! that is so awesome!!
another good thing, the weather! when i got in my car to leave work at 5, my car said it was 79 degrees.... i know there was some humidity but to drop basically 30 degrees in like a day, it was low 80's yesterday!), is a big difference!!
r called me at work somewhere around 10ish... they got the a/c fixed... it needed a new fan motor?!? didn't cost as much as i was scared it could cost.... we got opened for lunch and r said it's been a pretty good day, considering we were closed for breakfast.... i think that staying positive today really helped me see things differently...
i feel that lately i've been staying pretty positive and pretty laid back... i haven't been pushing (or trying to push) r's buttons lately.... i've been staying pretty chill lately... not arguing... trying my hardest not to get pissed off... i've had to talk myself out of being mad a few times this weekend but that's ok... if that's what it takes to keep me calm... me telling myself not to be pissed, listing all the things that i have to be thankful for (good teeth!).... anyways, i've gone off on a tangent here... i just wanted to say that, even though the day started off hard, it didn't stay that way... in fact it has just gotten better.... that makes me feel so much more secure with me and the changes that i've been trying to implement in my life... i really am working on becoming less stressed and being more laid back... being like the water, flowing with things.... this change in thinking has been on my mind lately, making me more conscious of the "new" thoughts.... things are going good! hopefully they stay this way!

Hard Day

If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.

i got this email this morning, which i will share with you at the end of this blog, and it really fits me today... i titled this hard day instead of bad day... i don't want to look at days as bad, just hard or challenging... when i first got to work this morning i was about to just break down in tears.... i've managed to pull myself out of the funk and really am feeling better.... instead of asking, why is this happening TO me i'm asking, why is this happening FOR me? because everything happens for a reason....
i guess i should explain what's going on... r and i went out to the restaurant to paint the non-smoking dining room yesterday, to clean out the shed, and just kinda work on some things that we've been wanting to work on.... we get out there and the thermostat says its 96 degrees in there... the breaker that the a/c was on had blown... not really a big deal since this has happened before... not a lot, maybe a couple of times... r goes out to flip the breaker back on and the a/c comes on but it's not blowing cool air, it's hot.... he ended up messing with that for about oh, an hour... i got the back of the kitchen door 2nd coated (it faces the non-smoking dining room and i had gotten 1 coat of paint on it- didn't realize it was going to be shut all the time- forgot to 2nd coat it and it was driving me crazy!!).... we decided not to paint because it was so dang hot.... just from being in there an hour my sports bra/tank top was soaked.... yuck!! plus, looking around the non-smoking room, it was going to take us a little while and we really didn't want to paint in the heat like that.... so we went back home.... this morning the cook calls at about 6:15am and tells r that the a/c isn't working and it's 99 degrees in there... she also tells him that the ice machine is on the same breaker and isn't working either... r leaves the house in a foul mood... i felt so bad for the kitties, normally he gives them love when he leaves but not today... poor kitties!! to be perfectly honest, i'm not that stressed about all of this, it's just something that we're going to have to get fixed and there's really not much else we can do about it... i just feel bad for him because he's out there all the time, seeing things that just drive him crazy, and we were going to start working on those things but now we are fixing other things... it'll all be ok though.... so, it's not a bad day, just a hard day... i need to be optimistic right now, for r, if for no other reason... it will all work out and be ok... i will just stay positive!!

Hard Days
We all have days that seem endlessly difficult and hard. On these days, it is as if the odds are stacked against us and we just can't get a break as one challenging situation follows another. We may feel like we're standing in the ocean getting hit by wave after wave, never able to get a full breath. A hard day can be a great teacher. It will eventually end and we can look back on it, taking pride in the stamina, courage, and ingenuity it took to hold our ground. We may also look back and see how we could have done things differently. This knowledge will be valuable when we face hard days in the future. With a little perspective, we may even find the inner resources to change our attitude about what's happening. We may begin to see that what we saw as hardships are actually opportunities. As our attitude changes for the better, our actions and the circumstances will follow suit. No one is immune to having a hard day and these are usually the times we can learn the most. If we can find it in our hearts to examine the day, and maybe make one small change in perception, we can ease our pain and greet the next day that much wiser.

Forever!

man, it feels like i haven't been here in forever!! things have just been busy lately... i'm not complaining though... just ready for a little "down" time... my mood & attitude have been up and down lately... this morning i was down but with the help of momma i managed to pull myself up out of the funk... yeah!! i've really been trying though!! i think i'm doing good! and that's all that matters!! i got this email this morning... i'm sure most of you have seen it but it pertains to me and where i'm at in my life and where i'm trying to be.... more asap!!


MAYBE...

Maybe...God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe...when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe...it is true that we don't know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe...the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe...the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past;after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
Maybe...you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.
Maybe...there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.
Maybe...the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe...you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
Maybe...you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe...giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe...happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.
Maybe...you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.
And the last maybe.....when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Maybe...you should try to live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
~~ Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

Karma

from dictionary.com......

karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny; fate

i can't say that i've ever really believed in karma up until a few months ago... then it started showing its face... it's really odd the way it works.... in a way though, it scares me... to be honest, it scares the s**t out of me... things have been happening to people that i was close to at one point in time... some of them really close too and had a relationship with (friend or otherwise)... others i just knew who they were... enough to know about them but not really "know them"... basically judging them based on what i heard as opposed to giving them a chance and really getting to know them... maybe things have been happening to me but i'm too close to the situation to see it... i imagine that's how a few of the people that i'm talking about are feeling... they haven't really put two and two together yet.... and maybe they won't... either way, it's ok by me... i have finally realized and understand that i need to just let it all go... karma is a bi**h man!! it is!! well, maybe i'm only seeing the "bad" karma.... i know that there is good karma out there and that is what i need to start working on... treat others the way you want to be treated... don't judge them without giving them a chance...
i went to this class last saturday and the instructor said, have you ever seen someone that looks like someone you know? of course, everyone has... then he says, the instant that you see that person you immediately make a judgement about them... whether you realize it or not... i started thinking, how true is this? i understand that "undoing" this way of thinking will be a challenge but at least i can work on it.... i need to find inner peace within me so that i can feel peace with the world... i need to let the anger and judgements go (especially the anger- i wonder, could part of this be so strong because of my bipolar?)... i am the only one who can actually decide what is and isn't going to affect me.... it's like i finally understand!! the "answer" that i've been looking for all these years (i mean, i've heard it many times but never understood what it meant)....
i'm done for now.. it was 5:20 AM when i started this... yes, AM, i've been up since about 4...) i'd like to send a big 'ol thank you to the kitties, especially mazzy- she was the ringleader this morning- to let me get up with you at 4... i was so looking forward to sleeping in today but that's ok... i'm about to start some laundry, do some yoga, and maybe take a nap!! i'll just play it by ear, but it will be a quiet and relaxing weekend!!

Update

Lately I guess you could say that I’ve been feeling stressed and overwhelmed… and tired… tired mentally, physically, and emotionally….
things have been a bit difficult lately... let me phrase that differently, i'm not dealing with "life" so well, my perspective & perception has been off/negative.... i'm not a big fan of reality and prefer to live in my own safe little world... i don't (or try not too) let the stuff that bothers me in... i feel like i am losing my mind... mazzy, the older kitty, jumped up in my lap monday morning for some kitty love when i was getting ready for work and i just started bawling... tuesday morning i was petting murphy on my way out the door, started bawling... last wednesday i read an article about a truck that overturned down here in texas and 4 penguins were killed, that was the "beginning of the end".... that's when the uncontrollable crying started... i have had a few "highs" but they have been few and far between.... i realize this probably sounds a lot worse than it is....
I went and saw my psychiatrist Tuesday afternoon and my boss let me take the rest of the day off… can’t say I blame him… it has to be hard for my family, friends, and co-workers to deal with me… walking on eggshells all the time, never knowing what will set me off… I have never asked my doctor before what he has me “labeled” as and Tuesday he said something about one of the meds helping with bipolar disorder… that’s kinda what I had figured since my mood swings are so bad… when I say bad I mean that one minute I can be perfectly fine and then someone will say something, I’ll read something, or something will happen and then I will be irate angry or crying, in a split second… I mean, it’s not all the time (except for lately)…. we changed up my meds and i go back in 2 weeks.... we'll see how things go between now and then....
one thing I guess I should mention is that I hate being labeled… that irritates me so much… probably because of past issues that I’ve had involving labeling… I’m working on that though… resolving old issues that need to be resolved and then letting go of them… also, am I going to have to take all these meds the rest of my life just so I can feel “normal” or keep my emotions under control? I hate the thought of that… right now, I am on 4 different meds just from my psychiatrist… that doesn’t mean that I just take 4 pills a day though… oh no! I take at least 7 daily and then 3 more “as needed”… he said that they all work together… I believe him but to me the thought of having to take these pills the rest of my life is a downer… he also said that if/when r and I start thinking about kids I need to let him know so he can get me off my meds because they can cause horrible birth defects… my next thought is me, no meds, and pregnant… pregnancy really messes with your hormones and emotions and seeing the way I am now, I can’t imagine what I would be like…. Poor r… i know that this will all take care of itself and work out just fine but when I have idle time my mind just starts to thinking… right now it’s thinking of the negative…
i guess i feel like i'm stuck in a rut right now... i know that things will get better but until then i just have to take it day by day... i'm just tired of the stresses of life… the day-to-day stresses... it will pass.. i just hope soon.... i know that i have so many good things going in my life but am really seeing the negative right now and not the positive... happiness has been eluding me lately... through no one's fault but my own…
on the positive side, i do have an hour massage scheduled for monday after work... and i did yoga Monday and Tuesday night... my mood seems to be getting better and i'm really trying to work on that... even though the negative has been wanting (and has been) "winning" lately i know that my perspective will get better....
sleep has been eluding me lately too.. i've been so tired lately but as soon as i lay down in bed i'm wide awake... on a good night i'll get 4 hours of not-so-good sleep... that needs to change too, i love to sleep.. and i used to be so good at it! like I said though, day by day… be in this moment and know that I have everything that I need….
peace, not pieces.....

p.s. this was in my mailbox this morning and it fits… I need to do this in everything… ah, one note though, the use of the word God in this does not mean the judging Father figure that most people think of… it can mean anything, whatever God is to you…

AS I PREPARE TO MOVE INTO A POSITIVE FUTURE....... I RELEASE PAST NEGATIVITY

Dear God,

Thank You in advance for my positive future.

Knowing it is coming prevents me from clinging to anything negative from my past.

And it would be impossible for anyone to accuse me of not being prepared for a positive future, since the POWER and PRESENCE of Your UNIVERSAL MIND is with me always.

I am swiftly eliminating all of the 'old' & no longer welcome negative traits of my personality..... and further
strengthening my already strong & getting stronger traits, thanks to Your Higher God-Mind, Eternally within me.

Thank You for the way I am already moving into a positive future. I appreciate my strengthening trait of eternal optimism very much.

I am a genuine GOD-DIRECTED PERFECT PRESENCE of positive emotions & beliefs... which means
when I am positive, I can't be feeling negative. That's just like why I can't stand up and sit down at the same time.

Thank You Mother/Father God for this POWERFUL understanding.

And so it is.....

Amen

Nuts

I’m not exactly sure what happened earlier…. Well, I guess I kinda know… I was reading this article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14254314/?GT1=8404 (4 penguins perish in truck accident; octopus uninjured)
and all hell breaks loose, well, for me anyways… you would have thought that the story was regarding someone that I personally knew… I lost it… I started crying and could not stop… honestly, I cried for the better part of 2 hours… I cried and cried and cried… I had somewhat gotten myself under control, or so I thought… I was obviously wrong though… my boss was just trying to ask me a question about a note that I had put on his desk and I couldn’t even answer his question without breaking down… so the next thing I know I’m standing in his office with my poor little sad excuse of what was left of my Kleenex in my hand bawling…
I was feeling really down earlier today… not stressing about the restaurant but just stressing and trying to have a pity party for myself, ok, I was having one… I guess you could say that lately I’ve been having these reoccurring feelings that I have been labeling stupid… whether they’re really stupid or not, they obviously upset me… “high school” thoughts as I have been labeling them… why am I worried about what everyone else thinks…. Why should I still wonder if I’m “being left out”…. Why can’t I make everyone happy? I keep trying to tell myself that none of that should matter…. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself but, well, I don’t think that’s working so well… I guess my question is, does everyone feel this way or is it just me? When I contemplate making a decision not only do I think about what I want or what I think but I also think about what others think or what they would want… when most of the time it’s regarding non-issues or something minor… why do I feel the need to try to make everyone else happy? and what is my major malfunction? I mean, really… there was obviously some stress or issues that I had been repressing but dang… now I feel like a complete moron for getting so upset… for letting myself get upset… I would run to the bathroom and bawl my eyes out, try to get myself under control (by berating and beating myself up), go back up to my desk, then run back to the bathroom…. Same story over and over… for 2 hours… man alive!! Then when I was in the bathroom trying to calm myself down I would get so mad at myself for getting so upset… instead of just letting myself get it out I was trying to control it because I hate crying… by myself or in front of people, even r… to me it is so embarrassing… so me beating myself up for getting upset just made it worse but I kept on doing it… for some reason, thinking it would make me stop?!?! I mean, honestly, where is my logic? I’m really upset and just getting it all out (why does it always have to happen at work though? why can’t it happen at home?!?!) and then getting mad at myself for getting upset…. I really don’t understand it… I did manage to calm myself down though (no pills needed, to be perfectly honest, I didn’t have any but probably would have taken a xanax if I would have had one with me) and now I’m ok… in fact, I feel better than I did before I got upset…
One thing that could possibly be bothering me is that I have to go to the doctor next Tuesday to see my psychiatrist… I thought I was going to miss my appointment because I was summoned for jury duty… I called them though and they “re-scheduled” me for October… I feel better now that I can go see the doctor because I’ve been waiting to see him for about 3 months… he used to work 5 days a week and then on Fridays he would start seeing patients at like 7:30am… now he works Monday and Tuesday… so, I’ve been waiting… not a biggie… but I always get anxious when it’s time for me to go see him… this oughta be fun though because I normally go to see him before work and when I go see him he upsets me… not on purpose, just because he asks me things that upset me… that’s kinda his job though… so next Tuesday should be fun up here… and on top of that, I was getting so mad today at my co-worker… fuming mad… like I could just rip his head off but now I realize I was probably just trying to subconsciously protect myself and my emotions so that I wouldn’t get upset… I feel really bad for my co-worker and my boss though… they probably feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me… never knowing when I’m going to explode or freak out… my psychiatrist once told me that he thought I might be bipolar considering the mood swings I have… I must say, I agree with him… I hate to say that because I hate being “labeled” in any sense….
The past week or so all I’ve been wanting to do is just blog… read blogs, blog, live online I guess… that way I don’t have to deal with reality… ok, since I’ve been so honest this far I’ll just keep it going… I hate reality… maybe not hate but I prefer my safe little world that I live in… if something upsets me I pretty much just avoid anything that has to do with that subject from then on… (animal cruelty is a big one for me…).. if something comes on the news, I change the channel… if it’s in the paper I skip over it… r knows this and he just “plays along”…. he tells me that I can’t continue to live my life like this forever.. my response, I’ve been this way for 28 years and I’ve made it this far being that way… I’m starting to think that maybe I just don’t like to show emotion… why? Does that make me feel like a weak person? Do I associate showing emotion with weakness? And why am I just realizing this and why my “hang up” with weakness now?!?! Where did that come from? If that’s even really what it is… to be honest, I’m not sure… maybe I should take this blog with me next Tuesday though…. I might be “committed” if I do…. Well, it’s been an emotionally trying day and I am tired… I was tired when I got up this morning but now am even more tired… all of this “showing of emotion” has just worn me out… plus I’ve got a headache from crying… no worries though, I am ok… I really am!!

Hot Mess!!

the original title of my blog today was going to be perception & perspective but after talking with one of my friends, who you will hear more about real soon!, i decided to title this "in honor" of her!! ever since i received an email yesterday afternoon from kb i have been thinking about what i was going to blog the next time i got a chance... my thoughts have been all over the board since then too!! talk about an emotional rollercoaster! yesterday i was so excited when i read her email... it was like she knew exactly what i needed to hear! then, today rolled around... r's phone rang at 5am this morning.... i figured it wasn't good news, good news usually doesn't arrive at 5am.... at least not in my neck of the woods.... so i figured something was going on and soon found out that our waitress that had picked up a shift couldn't come in at 6am.... i was awake and there was no going back to sleep... none for r either... he got the waitress situation taken care of and then headed off to work... i got up and decided to exercise! i was going to walk and then remembered my dvd had been loaned out to be burned... so i decided to try out my mcdonald's yoga dvd instead.... it wasn't so great but that's ok.... i got 15 minutes worth of yoga and 45 minutes worth of quality time with the kitties in before i had to start getting ready for work.... as tired as i was/am it wasn't too bad getting up so early this morning... i enjoyed things in their "simplistic" state this morning.... the peace and quiet... calm kitties... there was no hecticness, except for my self-induced stress.... which really wasn't that bad... at least looking back it wasn't... that one saying, you have everything you need in this moment... somehow, kb knew that i was still stressing.... she calls me at work and to be honest, tells me once again, what i need to hear! only today though, it was like a lightbulb went on in my head... i realized that me stressing over what r is only "venting" to me about is not a good thing... and not how things should be... all i need to stress over and not really stress, just worry about, are my responsibilities... there is no reason for me to stress r and his "day at work".... we are open and are a fully functioning restaurant... he has the capabilities to make any decision that needs to be made! and i know he'll make the right one! or the correct one- the one that needs to be made... you know what i'm trying to say.. i have nothing but faith in him... i was feeling guilty because i was looking at it like, if he's stressing then i should be stressing because it's our restaurant.... that mentality was not doing anyone any good!! and if he's stressing and i'm not then i'm not carrying my weight.... so i had the whole wrong perspective on things.... but i must say, i'm so glad too!! it did take 2 days for kb to finally make me understand what she was saying but i did!! i feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted off me... to be honest, like a lot of weight has been lifted off me... girl, thank you!! i can only hope that one day i can help you out like you helped me out the past 2 days!! you made me see what i have been needing to see!! you are one hot mess!!! in all seriousness though, to kb, thank you... i am really looking forward to seeing you guys this weekend.... no "menu" stress!! (you saved me on that one too!!)
on a different note, saturday i am going to this consciousness class with a friend of mine... i am really looking forward to this class...here is the class description:
Consciousness
-Learn how consciousness works. No froufrou cryptic information to decipher. This is a straight-forward class that includes information you won’t find in any books.
-Learn why affirmations don’t work or take years to work.
-Learn how to work with your own consciousness to create the things in life you desire.
-Get an introduction to the Emotional Freedom Technique and how to use it to help change your consciousness which, in turn, changes your life.
i guess you could say i believe in God but that is really a gray area to me... not the God part but the whole judgemental father figure i guess is more the part that i'm not sure about.... i have been doing a ton of reading over the past year and a half or so... plus, learning to meditate... and have really discovered a whole new side of things.... i'm not sure if you could say i've always just trusted what i've been told or what... i never knew anything about this side of stuff before... i've learned so much "common sense" or "street knowledge" if you will since i've been with r... before him i guess it was all book/school knowledge... i think i missed out on quite a bit of stuff... anyways, i'm learning to be happy (as crazy as that sounds!) and i'm learning to just live life and take it day by day... i'm learning about me and how to keep me more "under control"... not fly off the handle at the drop of a hat... be more positive (i think i'm doing really good with that!!).... i'm really working on becoming a "better" person... not in sense of the word.... i'm going to head out to the restaurant now to see how things are going.... i will blog more asap!!! i promise!!!

Changing

i'm working on changing things up on here just a little bit... i was getting tired of the same 'ol thing... i'll update asap!!

PMS

it's monday... for some reason this morning when i woke up i woke up sad... i think the majority of it is pms and the rest of it is well, i don't know, my insecurities or something like that... i checked my emails before blogging today to see if there was anything in there that applied to me or would maybe offer any words of wisdom.... right now i am doing my best to not break down in tears... ok, that didn't work so well... i just finished crying in the bathroom.... i guess right now i just feel unappreciated and alone... i read an article yesterday, is stress contagious? basically the answer is yes... especially for women and those that are close to them... women are so much more emotional than men and want to take everyone else's stress to make the other person feel better... they'll do more, way over and above, what they would normally do to try to help the stressed person out... right now i'm trying to be the strong one in r and i's relationship because i know that he is really stressed... because of this i feel like i can't vent to him or tell him how i'm feeling... i just have to keep everything inside and to myself... which is ok, i think it's something that i can get used too.... i'm trying to do more around the house so that he doesn't have to worry about doing anything before or after work... on average, he's been working about 14 hours a day since last monday, with the exception of yesterday... i guess all i would like is a "thank you" or some sort of acknowledgement for trying to do more... wednesday night i cleaned the house, took out the trash, and vacuumed... normally taking out the trash and vacuuming are not "my" jobs but i was trying so hard to be nice... thursday after work i went and got my hair done... i know he's been stressed and has had a lot on his mind but he didn't say anything about any of it until he asked me saturday if i had gotten my hair done... then he said, it looks good... i know, i'm probably being selfish but this past week i have learned that the only real person that you can always depend on is yourself... you are the only one that is going to be there for yourself 100% of the time... and i keep reading that you have everything that you need in this moment... i am working really hard on taking this to mean that no matter what situation arises in your life, in this moment, you have everything that you need to handle it... much easier said than done though.... i'm not trying to complain, only to vent and get out what i feel that i've been keeping inside for the past week or so... r calls me, thru the day, and i'm really not complaining, and tells me what's going on and how things are going... it seems that he only calls when things are not good or he is stressing or something has happened... i only wish that there was something that i could do to help him out... there isn't, not while i'm at work anyways... and to be perfectly honest, him calling me while he's stressing just makes me stress more... knowing that there is nothing that i can do at this point in time.... then i sit here all day long and stress about what's going on up there....
on a totally different note, i think the kitties were sad to see monday morning get here... i think they enjoyed having r and i around so much this weekend... poor kitties, it seemed like once they realized that we were getting ready to leave for work their happy attitude disappeared.... i've been trying to spend more time with them because we have both been gone a lot lately.... (maybe i'm totally wrong and just hope they're sad!).... anyways, they weren't the only ones sad to see monday here so soon...
oh yeah, i got summoned for jury duty this next monday... i've never been before and really don't want to go... especially seeing as how i have a dr. appt. tuesday afternoon at 1:45 that i've had scheduled for almost 3 months.... plus, missing work is going to put me behind... that's not so much of a big deal as my dr.'s appt. is... since it's my psychiatrist i really think i need to go too... considering everything that's been going on lately.... i'm not sure what to do about jury duty though... it scares me to no end!! and i am stressing about it instead of just letting everything work itself out...
i know that things will get better and my stress level will decrease, i can only hope that all of this happens soon!! i feel like one big ball of stress right now.... which i probably am... and most of the feelings that i'm having are just pms and stress related.... i know i'm not alone and there is no reason for me to feel like i am, i think it's just the way i'm taking everything right now... personally but not as personally as i was friday.... i'm working on becoming a stronger person that won't run all my friends and family off by griping and complaining so much.... there is a lot in my life that i have to be happy about, i just need to be thankful for everything that is positive and good!!

Update

ok, so yesterday afternoon i was stressing hard... i haven't really "freaked out" since the restaurant opened.. i think that might have been it... i realize that... i realized that last night but just never got a chance to blog about it... the stress started when i talked to r and he told me about our night cook... i should say, former night cook... anyways, that's not important now... my stress (and anger) kept growing as my boss and co-worker kept giving me stuff to do (that my co-worker could have done, if he would have wanted too) and my boss wasn't working on my billing.... hindsight is 20/20 and it's no big deal now... i was out of work by maybe 5 after 5... no biggie... and i really don't think that the work stress would have been that big of a deal if our cook had shown up... i called r back about 4 to see how he was doing because i was stressing about it... my mind was racing as to who i could call to come in and help him... he ended up really hurting my feelings, once again, my state of mind played a big part in that... he ended up hiring a dishwasher last night who had come in to eat... (he put an application in the night before when he came in to eat...) we ended the night by hitting the number r has been dying to hit since we opened... i must say, all in all it was a really good week.. yes, it was stressful but that's going to happen anytime you open a business (in my opinion anyways)... running (and being successful) at your own business is hard... i keep reading for restaurants it's harder... i'm ready for the challenge and so is he... i think, for me, only "freaking out" once this week was pretty good... i did feel like i had been having a major panic attack for about oh, the past week... that's ok though... the panic attack feeling is still there but it's lessening day by day... at 2:00 today our first week will "officially" be over with... r can come home and enjoy a day and a half off before he has to go back... i really am proud of him though... he's working his butt off and kicking ass at the same time!! he's put in a lot of hours this week and i know he's tired... so far, overall, this last week was good!! i'm proud of him and us! i think we're doing a really good job!! it will only get better!! until later...

bull-poo

Everything happens for a reason right?!?!? Sometimes it may just take us a little bit to realize what exactly the reason is…. Wednesday night, day 3, one of our employees got arrested up at the restaurant… not a good situation but, what can you do? A few minutes ago, r called me to tell me that our night cook quit… he didn’t show up, didn’t call, nothing… just quit on us… I guess I never really fully understood what kind of impact it actually has on a person/business when you just quit… no notice or anything… now I know… I just feel so bad for r… he has been busting his butt up there and it just seems like everything is falling apart… I know, the first week isn’t even over yet either… it’s kinda discouraging though… I can’t vent to him because he is so stressed right now… I feel so helpless right now too… it breaks my heart that I can’t even help him out right now…
This freaking sucks!!! I am so pissed right now… the paragraph above was what I wrote earlier… I am hating people and hating life… I must say that up until I got the call from r earlier things were going really well… um, not so much anymore, thank you… am I ok, no, not really… thanks for asking…. My co-worker is sitting in there doing nothing and I’m in here busting my ass… because he’s lazy!! My boss is walking around lost instead of working on my billing… which I have to get done today… that’s the “rule”… we put the invoice date for Monday, i.e. the 31st, but don’t bill out until the very last minute on Friday… um, just because you’re behind all week long, don’t put me behind too… it’s not my fault that you over-load your plate and then expect me to stay late to make up for it… uh no, I’ve been sitting here all day long… waiting on my billing… which I’m not “smart enough” to do… so now what am I doing you might wonder? Oh, just sitting here, waiting on my billing… nice, lovely… I feel like no one is even taking me into consideration right now… well, screw you!!
Yes, I am taking everything personally right now… I know I’m not supposed too but… to hell with it!

Whew!!

Whew!! So, r and I have survived day 2 of the cedar tree…. I must say, for r, day 1 was hectic… a madhouse as he described it… for me, just stressful, I was dying to know what was going on but didn’t want to call and bother him… I figured it was hectic enough! Day 2 though, not near as bad as yesterday!! And yesterday wasn’t even bad!! We are doing really good… I had guesstimated our monthly bills and what we needed to average a day…. Well, between both days we’ve hit the average! Yes, we’ve only been open 2 days but at the same time, we’ve only been open 2 days!! we haven’t advertised yet, the first ad will be in the leader on Thursday! So, all of our business has been word of mouth and we’ve hit our average! I wasn’t for sure if we would…. Especially opening the way we did… but, I’m so glad that things worked out the way they did…. Yes, hindsight is 20/20… and like I’ve said, everything happens for a reason…. It’s all good though!! Work has been super busy the past couple of days but that’s good… it makes the day go by faster and keeps my mind off what’s going on at the restaurant…. I just wanted to check in…. let you know how things are going…. More later!!