today has been a not so good day... but (and this is going to sound really bad) i know that daddy's day is probably going a whole hell of a lot worse than mine is.... actually i know his whole week, up until thursday, is going to be crummy.... and that makes me so sad for him.... the reason he's having such a bad week... he's on "vacation"... i say vacation like that because he is on vacation from work but he had to go see "the evil one"... aka grandma c.... in my opinion there are 2 kinds of "old" people in this world... the ones who are so super nice and act like a grandma to anyone and then the others... the mean ones, even to family and friends... and i'm not talking about being ugly i'm talking about down right evil (ok, more about grandma c)... yes, she is evil.... i know it's not nice to talk about people like that but that is the only word i can think of to describe her.... well, selfish would work too... alcoholic.... hateful.... maybe i can think of other words to describe her.... i don't know if i'll ever see her alive again, which doesn't make me sad.... i've been unhappy with her for about 5 years now.... i discovered that i was not happy with her and it's just gone downhill from there.... about 5 years ago around christmas time i wrote her a letter because i hadn't talked to her in a long time and things were going good in my life and i wanted to share the good things with her.... she told mom and dad that she really enjoyed hearing from me and to keep writing but she wasn't going to write back because she didn't want to "waste a stamp"... they were like $0.27 then.... or something crazy like that... so that made me feel good... not wanting to waste $0.27 on one of your grandchildren... thank you. i could feel the love... before my wedding she called (yes, she was drunk at the time but i didn't know about all this then, she calls when she's drinking (not me anymore), i guess she doesn't realize it's her money she's spending).... she was telling me that she had bought the most beautiful expensive dress and it was going to be the prettiest dress at my wedding... ok, well, that really hurt my feelings but i let it go, once again.... she ended up not showing up at my wedding and causing my aunt to not be able to come.... i wasn't mad that she wasn't able to come but i was so pissed about her making my aunt unable to come.... my aunt was driving down here with her... and my cousin and her two daughters had already left so auntie couldn't catch a ride with them... i think it was grandma's plan all along... she needs so much attention... she ended up breaking her shoulder around the time of my wedding but didn't realize it for about two weeks because she was so drunk all the time... when she talks about it though it was when she was "so sick"... it's hilarious, mom calls her out on it, no, you weren't sick, you were drunk.... grandma is so in denial it's not even funny... needless to say i see where all my "problems" come from... addictive personality.... mental disorders.... basically all the craziness.... and let me say this, i LOVE pills!!! and i know that is not such a good thing to say especially with the subject that i'm discussing now but it's the truth... if it wouldn't have been for the pills the past couple of weeks i don't know that i would still be halfway sane... or not have run away somewhere.... grandma is making daddy and his sister's life hell... along with momma's and some other family members... grandma is so drunk all the time that she is hallucinating.... everything from people watching her and breaking in to everyone conspiring against her.... she stays drunk 24/7... calls mom and dad at all hours of the night... starting calling grandma k the other day (mom quit answering the phone) telling her she needed to find mom or dad because it was an emergency... and then she never remembers calling... daddy said she had bruises all over her where she keeps falling in the house... her eye is scratched and black from where she fell and hit her head and broke her glasses.... daddy took her to the doctor yesterday, which he basically had to take her kicking and screaming, and went back to talk to the doctor with her.... the doctor determined that she is still legally able to make her own decisions and if she refuses treatment for anything the doctors cannot treat her... my aunt and daddy were trying to get a court order so they could put her in treatment... she was lucid and clearly responded to all the questions the doctor asked so she is still under her own judgement... what can you do though? the doctor diagnosed her with manic depressive bipolar disorder.... my psychiatrist has brought both of those up to me regarding me and my mental state.... but since she's been drinking as long and as heavily as she has her body composition has changed and is bringing out the worst of her... that's been scary! i thought i had already heard the worst i could hear... nope, it just keeps getting better and better.... she told the doctor that she was going to drink and smoke until she took her last breath and no one was going to change that.... the doctor also thinks she might have some brain damage due to the heavy drinking.... she is causing my aunt and daddy so much heartache and grief it's not even funny.... and she thinks that everything is just fine and can't understand why everyone is so mad... in her mind she's in the right and everyone is just being mean to her when she's "so sick"... about four (that i know of) family members have quit talking to her because of her drinking and the way she's acting... and these are people that thought she was the world's greatest grandma who could never do any wrong.... i personally think she's a selfish bitch who deserves whatever comes her way... i know that sounds bad but i am trying really hard to forgive her and just let it go but this hatred (?) towards her has become such a part of me that it is so hard to just let it go... she is just a sick twisted individual.... i almost want to feel sorry for her but then i think about my aunt and daddy and get mad at her.... her actions are tearing my daddy up and i hate that.... what i dislike even more is that daddy hasn't been honest with me about her.... he says she's just acting crazy for some reason... momma has been filling me in on all this... daddy doesn't want us to think bad about her... shoot, i've thought bad about her for a long time... i don't think daddy knows that i know the truth... i just hate to see what she's doing to daddy... it's even worse for my aunt though, she lives on the same land as grandma... grandma has no idea what she's doing to my aunt or to daddy... and even if she did know she wouldn't recognize her as being the problem... there is way much more to the story, i'm just giving some of the highlights... well, that i can remember right now... today has been a long stressful day.... tomorrow though there will be more... and i'm going to "blog" her a letter... i'm not mailing it, i talked to mom about that and she said she doesn't think that grandma is any state to even try to comprehend what the letter would say... she would be all, why is she mad? what did i do? so, instead of "wasting" $0.37 on her plus paper and pen costs i'm just going to blog it.... i am hoping and praying that blogging it will help me just let her go.... and forgive her... even though i don't want too.... but i know that not forgiving her is hurting me more than her... she probably doesn't even know (or care) that i'm mad at her.... so i do realize that i need to let her go and forgive her.... and i do realize that pills are a problem but lately man they have been lifesavers.... i have no doubt in my mind that when the time comes (for real!) i can and will kick them.... right now though, don't even think about it... the pills are my survival tool... today is almost over so i'm about to shut it down for now.... but i am blogging my letter to grandma c tomorrow... that makes me nervous and makes my tummy hurt but it shouldn't... it's not like she's ever going to see it... and even if she did it's not like she would probably understand it... until tomorrow....