this week really sucked... bad.... next week has to be better... i don't know if i can survive another 5 days like the last 4 have been... it's friday night, 7:17 and i'm sitting here... drinking.. i know, ironic considering what i've been writing about... i must say that i do know what lies in my future should i consider taking the path that grandma has taken... i would hate to do that to my family though... i'm super pissed at her and i've been unhappy with her for a long time... it just feels like you're already at the bottom and then more stuff happens!! it just keeps piling on! and you wonder, where did all this come from? what happened? am i such a bad, horrible person that all this should keep happening to me? poor r, he should get out while he still can!! i'm just very frustrated right now... and sad... momma told me that grandmas c's doctor diagnosed her as manic depressive bipolar... and we all know that i'm seeing a psychiatrist... let me tell you, i feel SOO good about myself right now... the bills keep piling in and up.... my insurance at work isn't that great, but at least i have some!, so i owe money to the clinic for lab work for my physical and to the hospital for my "epidural cortizone shots" for my herniated disc... does it ever end?!?!? at this point i think not... r and i are trying so hard to "do the right thing" and pay off our debt... we both have good cars.... and we're buying a house... but it just seems that we're being punished for trying to "do the right thing"....
on a totally different note, how do i let people get in my head and affect me so bad... i.e. grandma c.. i've only been unhappy with her for years can i not just let her go? all i want is to not let it bother me... not just her, most things... i want to be able to just let it roll off my back... no sweat... maybe that's why grandma drinks so much, to block out all the bad... ok, not good.... i'm trying to rationalize her behavior?!?!?! now this bothers me... does this mean i'm going to be like her? i already have enough of her disorders i don't really want anymore, thank you.... maybe she just angers me because i see what she's doing to my daddy... i don't know... all i know is that i think one of my biggest fears is to end up like her... momma will tell me stuff and i'm like, man, that sounds like me... not good... what to do.... i don't know what else to say at this point...