Changes

I don’t deal with things very well… I’m pretty sure it’s the approach I use… just don’t deal with it… just push it to the side until it gets to be so big and such an issue that I am forced to deal with it… over and over I’ve been shown that this technique for dealing with things isn’t effective but I still continue to use it because well, it’s the easiest… avoidance is my policy… like I said, not the best way to go but right now it’s how I roll…
Like usual, I’ve had all sorts of craziness going on in my head… normally I try to force something to happen instead of just letting life take its course… dc made a comment to me one night about me and my “self esteem issues”… something along the lines of, I have no idea where these come from… so I’ve been thinking on that… you know, I mean, I know where they come from but at the same time I need to respect and love myself more… if I don’t love me how can I expect anyone else to love me? so, in this confusing time of my life I have decided that I am going to work on me… km and I walked last week and I have decided that I am going to start walking… I have too plus I think it will make me feel better. I need to work on me… I need to figure out what will make me happy… what do I need? I’m doing a good job of figuring out what I don’t want and what doesn’t make me happy… so what will?
Some people think that believing in “signs” is silly… when I say signs I mean things that appear or come to you that you weren’t expecting… an email, something someone says to you, the weather, having your cards read… stuff like that… “signs that the universe sends you”… because as I’ve learned, everything happens for a reason… there are not really any coincidences… since Monday I have been getting sign after sign… one almost every day… and these are helping me to believe that I am heading in the right direction… that what I’m feeling is “right”…
I’m sorry for being so vague right now… there is a lot going on right now and I’m just not sure where everything is going to go… as of now I know what I need to do and I’m preparing myself for that…

Here is the first part of my weekly horoscope: There is a lot going on beneath the surface this week, courtney, the kind of thing that you can't quite get a handle on. You sense that there is a shift happening, but know that you have no control over what is about to take place. It is as though fate has the upper hand, but you are still master of your destiny. What is needed is to understand yourself from a deeper perspective than just your personality.

Weekend Wrap-Up

It was so nice to actually have a weekend and not constantly be working… I didn’t do much of anything Saturday afternoon… we did go to Atwood’s… it was good, not quite as exciting as I had myself hoping it would be, but it was still good!! They did have little baby ducks, rabbits, chicks, & geese you could buy though…. they were cute!! I bought a little 4 pack of gardening tools and yesterday I cleaned out one of our flower beds… I didn’t buy any flowers and it’s a good thing, that one little flowerbed worked me over! Next weekend we’re going to try to trim the bushes and then I want to clean all the weeds out of it… it was so nice to be able to rest and relax and not feel so rushed, like I have a million things to do and no time to do them…
Ok, dc… he called Saturday night… R and I had just started Michael Clayton and my cell rings… it’s dc… so after I almost have a coronary and recover we start talking… he wasn’t an ass although it would have been easier if he had of been… he was very apologetic about some misconceptions that I had- like the reason we quit talking… and I also get some “issues” cleared up that had been on my mind forever… don’t get me wrong, I have more questions for him but Saturday night was kinda catch up night… we were on the phone for over 2.5 hours when his landline phone was going dead so he called me from his cell… we talked for about 45 more minutes and joked about how we used to talk like this all the time… I felt so much better after we talked… I’m not sure where to go with this now… I know, these pickles I usually get myself into are usually my fault…
On the bright side, today is a short day for me… I get to go to the dentist at 3:00… and I love going to the dentist… I love how clean my teeth feel afterwards… plus, momma cleans my teeth… bonus!!! And after this week we only have 8 more weeks until vacation!!!

Something Different

Like always, as I recently discovered, my thoughts are crazy and all over the place… so last night on the way home from my massage I decided that I was just going to call dc and get it over with… do you remember that super sick rolling nauseous feeling you got the first time a boy called you or you called a boy… like, I would rather be doing anything in the world besides this right now… I start feeling that and I’m like, omg, what is my problem?!? I’ve known dc since we were like little…I can call him to say hi… I don’t know if it’s wrong or not… I feel like it is and that’s why I’m justifying it… I just really want to talk to him- you know, you can’t have it so you want it thing… honestly, now that he’s been on my mind for about 4 days straight, I really think if he does call me back, he’ll be an ass… which is fine… closure. Oh yeah, I had to leave a message… it was apparently his “business” line… the house next door to his parent’s… I think him and his dad (maybe) went into business?!?! And most embarrassing, I called three times… the first time my ear bud died (on my way home right after I decided I had to call him), called him from home, the 1st time, got the answering machine and could barely hear the message so I hung up… it took me a little but I managed to put two and two together and realized that must be the business line… what the hell, I called again, yes, again, I know, how desperate is that, I only hope they don’t have caller id, by this time I had worked myself up into a crazy frenzy and have no idea what I said on the message… I remember some of it but not all of it… but, it’s out of my hands now, his move… Now every time the phone rings I get nervous… why does this boy intimidate me like this?!?!
Anyways, today I think (hope) that R and I are going to go to Atwood’s, technically it’s called a “ranch and home” store but they have so much more than just that… I want to maybe get some flowers for this little flower bed in the front of the house… R wants a new weed eater… plus, I’ve never been and I really want to go, R said I would love it… so I’m super excited about this and really hope he’ll feel like going when he gets home from work… he’s been hectic already today! And bonus, I have no work to do this weekend other than CT payroll… very nice!!!

I’ll let you know how Atwood’s is… I can only imagine your excitement- a farm and ranch store!

Always on the Crazy Train

I was looking thru my blog searching for what I wrote about dc a long time ago and came across a common theme… most of my blogs contain something along the lines of: I feel crazy, I don’t know why I’m acting this way, why do I feel this way?, I’m so depressed…
I don’t think I understood what an emotional rollercoaster I was before now… don’t get me wrong, I know I’m a basket case, but I suppose I had no idea it was as all consuming as it is… I do know that I hate feeling this way and I hate acting the way I act sometimes… like suddenly getting mad over something stupid and insignificant or having a crazy ass mood change in front of people (very obvious, to me anyways)… I don’t know what to do about it though… I’m on all kinds of meds now and apparently they’re not working… or maybe they are and this is just life… I don’t know but I wish I did… surprise, this realization makes me sad...

All Aboard the Crazy Train

I don’t really know where to start… it’s been so long since I’ve actually blogged... and be warned, this is kinda crazy... like way outta left field...
Ok, I’m going to flat out ask because I have no idea what to do... has anyone ever felt this way or do you know anyone that has… what do you do? It goes back to the boy I blogged about so long ago… Thinking … anyways, it doesn’t really matter… to summarize the long lost blog about dc I would say:
Known each other from church since we were little
Friends especially as we got older and it was the whole boys are new and they maybe don’t have cooties anymore stage…
Still friends all the way thru our sophomore year in college… something happens and we hardly ever speak again… the last few times I saw him he was kinda an ass to me…
For some reason I can’t let this go… it bugged me for a while then went away… it’s back now… I had a dream about him several months ago and now he pops into my head at the most random times (and lately more and more)…
Yesterday I was talking to my hairdresser (the one I commented about) and she had been telling me how she had run into all these guys from her past in a really short time span… we started joking about me and she brought dc up… I said, I have been thinking about him lately and I am dying to see/talk to him… I leave to head home but decide to call her to see if she maybe wants to get a beer or a drink if she doesn’t have any plans… she was going to dinner with a friend and said I could join them, nah, I’ll just head home, thanks though… she calls me and says, you’re not going to believe this but we walked into the restaurant and she said dc was sitting right there!!!! OMG!!!! WHAT?!?!? I so should have gone… so anyways, she’s like, oh hey, Courtney and I were just talking about you… he’s like, tell her hi… if I only would have gone…
This whole situation is driving me absolutely insane… me with the way I’m acting and then the fact that I can get N-O information about him… I have half a mind to call him but that makes my tummy turn… so, I ask, what is wrong with me?!?!? This situation has me thinking crazy thoughts… what am I thinking though?!?! Anyone?? Anyone??
I’m officially a passenger of the Crazy Train now.

I have more to say on this… well, him others, they’re all connected/related… later though, it's almost time to do the daily sheet... (and my wine glass is empty)

One More Day

this is me today... dead tired... only one more day til tax season round 1 is over with... no more 80+ hour weeks... i'll actually have and be able to enjoy my weekends... i can't wait!!!

Shout Out!

I have to send a "Shout Out" to Carl!!! He won Texas this weekend!!! YAY!!! His 3rd win so far this year!!! So here are a few pictures for you to enjoy celebrating his win!!! NASCARL!!!