Just Here

i'm sitting here at work thinking, man, last week at this time i was all excited about the long weekend coming up... too bad that's not every week.... i'm bummed today... i'm really trying not to be but i can't seem to shake it.... hopefully my mood will improve as the day goes on... there really isn't anything going on ... just waiting on the rest of the time so that i can process payroll... after that, well, nothing really... waiting on 5....
i can't put my finger on what it is but something is bothering me... i can feel it at the back of my mind... almost like it's on the tip of my tongue... i just feel that something is not right... and i'm not even sure that's a good way to describe it... it's an unsettling feeling, omnious maybe?... like a bad panic attack that's trying to come on.... it feels like it's trying to creep in... it's already managed to work it's way into my brain, partly anyways... i just wish i could identify exactly what is bothering me so that i could work on not letting it bother me... i don't know if that makes any sense or not.... i'm not sure how to go about pinpointing what the problem is either.... maybe i can figure out what it is....

Frustrated

i woke up this morning frustrated and i'm not 100% sure why... i had a really bad dream last night... i woke up about 3 this morning sweating, my side of the bed was just soaked, so was my hair, pj's, everything! needless to say, it was not a happy dream... plus, r has been cranky in the night and the mornings towards the kitties... their schedules are crazy right now and they either want to play or want treats all thru the early morning hours... mazzy went thru this but luckily she "grew out of it"... i'm hoping murph will too... not getting a good nights sleep may have something to do with why i'm cranky....
i also wanted to clarify something... i said in my blog yesterday that christmas was my favorite time of the year.... it is, but not because of the presents, at all!! it's because the whole family is there... not just the "thanksgiving" part of the family but the whole family! (and contrary to what people might think) i do love my family... mom's side of the family is awesome! there are some people that i miss on daddy's side of the family but i really look forward to seeing mom's side of the family.... maybe it's because everyone keeps coming back at christmas (and have for as long as i can remember)... i realize that it's not possible for everyone, i.e. dad's side of the family, to come back and that's ok... no hard feelings at all... i really enjoy getting to see s and uncle g... uncle g is really awesome because he has the neatest stories to tell..... places he's traveled... what's he doing.... and he just does his own thing.... that is fascinating to me...
i was kinda down yesterday and today but i'm trying to not let it get to me.. i know the headache that developed last night isn't helping any... it feels like the left side of my head is about to blow up....
on that note, i've been thinking and i think i don't like me... i realize that needs some clarification but i'm not happy with what i think about when i think of me... so i need to change my thoughts, i realize that.... i'm working on that... it's a lot easier to change your thoughts regarding something or someone else than it is regarding you... i could just think, i'm not.. whatever it is i'm thinking about myself but that is hard because i don't really believe it... you must believe what it is you're thinking and when it comes to myself i'm having a hard time with that... i must work on this some more... i think pms may be part of the problem too right now.... anyways, when i think about me, most of the time, i don't think positive thoughts... they're negative and not nice... i don't see why i shouldn't be able to think about me in the same light that i am trying to think about everyone else... more positive, less negative. i didn't get this way overnight so i'm not going to be (and shouldn't expect to) change overnight... baby steps i keep telling myself...
speaking of changing the way you think, i got the results back from my cat scan... nothing showed up... which is good news, i'm glad.... so, does that mean that there is nothing wrong with my body or head to be causing my headaches? i don't know... i surely can't imagine that these headaches are all in my head and have been there for years... maybe they have... do i just think the headaches away? that's what i'm going to try to do i guess... i don't know what else to do... since i've had "every test known to man" done and nothing is wrong with me i'm stumped.... i feel like such a hypochondriac, that there is always something wrong with me... i can never just be happy and well... what i wouldn't give just to be happy and well though! no more headaches, like this anyways... what a relief! no more back problems and pain... no more depression and anxiety... life would be so awesome! i'm not saying that it can't be that way, currently that's just not my outlook.... anyways, i just thought i'd blog some of the stuff that has been tumbling around in my head the past couple of days.... get it out of my head and maybe i'll feel a little better! keep your fingers crossed!!

the Holidays

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

well, it's monday after thanksgiving and i can say that i have not bought one single christmas present yet... that's ok though... i have no idea what to get anyone anyways... r and i had a nice long weekend.... we didn't do much, just kinda worked around the house and enjoyed our time off! we did make a list though of stuff that we would like to do to the house and i am really excited about that.... just a few of the things on the list are: new light fixtures in the kitchen and hall... take down the mirrors on the wall in the hall, replace the front screen door, "re-tile" the kitchen and the kitties bathroom, and carpet the back room and both bedrooms... some of the items take $$ and some don't require as much $$ so i think we're just going to start where we can and work on that... i think that just replacing the light fixtures and getting the mirrors off the wall in the hall will make a big difference!! and i am excited about that! the house just needs some updating!

we think our tv in the living room is about to go out... it's acting weird and the picture is starting to get dark... we would like to buy a big screen but once again $$ is required... we'll just have to see how things go! hopefully our tv won't go out before we can get a new one though! no tv, oh no!!

coming back to work today was difficult... i just wanted to stay home with the kitties! i know they were probably ready for both of us to go back to work!! it was a nice long weekend though! now i just have to work 20 more days and then i get a week off, 9 days counting the weekends... but who's counting?!? i am looking forward to christmas, thanksgiving was really nice though, it's always really nice to get to see everyone! christmas is better because s is in town! even if it is for only a short period of time! i miss him and love getting to see him!

i am working on staying positive... i noticed that it was kinda hard when i was at home because all i did besides work around the house was read and watch tv... i'm reading true crime books right now and we watched the bondathon on spike tv (james bond).... we always watch the bondathon... i guess it's tradition for r and i... it's easy to let yourself get distracted by the books or the movies though and i just kept reminding myself, don't be stressed/angry/mad (or whatever), there is no reason to feel that way, any stress right now is stress that i have brought on myself and doesn't need to be there... it's true though, what you put into life is what you get back....

i haven't been enjoying the true crime books as much as i was before... since i've been trying to change my way of thinking i have noticed that some of the things that i used to enjoy i don't enjoy so much anymore... now i just need to replace those with something else... yoga keeps pushing itself into my mind and i sure would love to start doing yoga again... i really need to try to get yoga into my daily schedule... i know i would feel much better!! there are several things that i need to start doing!

speaking of starting to do things... i really need to start exercising, yoga!, and watching what i eat... i got on the scale saturday and it was upsetting! i have gained 9lbs!! i can tell because my clothes don't feel as loose as they had! that is upsetting but i can't blame anyone else for it! it's my fault! so now i have to do something about it! i have too!! and i plan on it!

i'm off to try to find some heart healthy recipes! until later...

Pondering Thoughts

If you want to change your life - RIGHT NOW - there is nothing more powerful than changing what you believe.

lately i have "stumbled" upon many emails and articles dealing with fear vs. love based actions and forgiveness... i know the universe is trying to tell me to just let it all go... all the ugliness, hatred, and negative feelings that i still harbor inside of me... and i am really trying to work on that so that i can accomplish that... this one article that i'm currently reading (here is the website address if you wish to read the whole article: http://www.everydaywisdom.us/articles/article_nl.htm) describes the way i feel and then goes on to describe the way i should think:

We learn to choose fear and don’t forgive ourselves or anyone else for mistakes until they suffer just the right amount. I’m not talking about the authentic emotion of fear in the moment of danger that is revealing the truth of the situation, I’m talking about unfounded fear, fear based on lies. Every moment has an emotional perspective. So, all our experiences, no matter how old, have emotional memory. Past experiences have an emotional point of view that was, in the moment they happened, telling the truth. If emotional drama and judgement follow then the perspective is full of fear. Fear we won’t be accepted. Fear we are not enough. Fear we won’t get it right. Fear we’re not safe. But these fears are not about any clear or present danger, they are the emotions attached to old memories that in this moment simply are not true. Only the servants of fear do not forgive. Sometimes we make choices that don't work out and we later regret. It can be a learning experience, or a lifelong wound. It’s up to you to choose. If you don’t like the results of your actions do something else. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are constantly changing, evolving and growing. Your best self is what you are right now, nothing more, nothing less. Your best self in the future is whatever you decide it will be when you take action to make it so.

that is me... i don't feel that i should be forgiven for my mistakes (or that anyone else should, maybe not anyone but for sure certain people, and yes, it is the same people over and over) until i have suffered to the extreme.... i need to know and feel the pain that i have caused myself (and others need to feel the pain that they have caused me) before i can really let it go... and sometimes not even then... for instance, grandma c... crazy nut that she is, i still harbor very negative feelings for her... have i forgiven her for her "attitude and slights toward me" when in reality she is just acting the way she always does, towards everyone... i'm honestly not sure... i have been thinking about this a lot lately and i can't figure it out... when i think about her i don't get raving mad like i used too... but at the same time i still get a little knot in my stomach... (at least i've managed to work it down to just a little knot instead of just flying off the handle).... i have been trying to remember the feeling i felt when all this different stuff happened with grandma c... and to be honest, i can and can't.... i know what she said hurt me... i didn't think grandma's were supposed to think like that... or actually say things like that... and this was years ago... i think that maybe part of what she said lead to some of my insecurities... i'm not blaming it all on her (it's not all her fault, i let her affect me like that)... i'm working on chosing love and positive ways of thinking as opposed to fear and negative ways of thinking... We each create our own reality simply by what we agree to believe. i know deep down in my soul that this statement is true now i just need to align my thoughts and beliefs with that statement, no more doubting! like i keep saying, i am working on it! and i know i can do it! i have faith in myself and i know that i do want and need to change and i am going too! it's so crazy the way that the phrase what you put into life is what you get out of it is so true! i have seen it in many small ways so far and am trying to change my way of thinking so that all things that are manifested in my life are positive... and in every situation there is a positive, sometimes you might have to look for it but it is there!

tomorrow is thanksgiving and i have been thinking today about the things that i am grateful for... the list is so long and continues to grow! we shouldn't have to have a holiday to say thank you to the universe for all that it has provided for us... we should be thankful every day for what we have and for what has been provided for us. i am trying to keep that in the back of my mind; to be thankful always. on that note, i am getting ready to leave on this wonderful 4 day weekend! i leave you with this thought:

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million people around the world that won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world!
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy!!
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all!!!!
Please share this reminder of the many blessings we share to others who might appreciate this gentle reminder of just how fortunate they really are too.

SIMPLICITY
Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
Where there is tiredness or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
Where there is fear, I wish you love and courage.

Embracing Unpredictability

every day i receive several emails from different groups regarding positive thoughts, how to keep your thoughts positive, how positive thinking affects your health, and similar things along those lines... today was a very good email from DailyOM....

Embracing Unpredictability
When Life Throws You A Curve Ball
In life, we are always setting goals for ourselves and working to make them happen. This gives us focus and ensures that we use our time and energy efficiently and effectively. It also provides us with a sense of purpose and direction. We know where we are going and what we want to do. But quite often, due to forces outside our control, things do not go as we had planned-the flat tire on the way to the wedding, the unforeseen flu virus-and we have to adjust to a postponement or create a whole new set of circumstances. Even positive turns of fortune - an unexpected influx of cash or falling in love - require us to be flexible and to reconsider our plans and priorities, sometimes in the blink of an eye. This is what happens when life throws you a curve ball.The ability to accept what is happening and let go of your original expectations is key when dealing with these unexpected turns of fate. We have a tendency to get stuck in our heads, clinging to an idea of how we think life should go, and we can have a hard time accepting anything that doesn't comply with that idea. The fact is that life is unpredictable. The trip you thought was for business - and when the deal fell through, you got depressed - actually landed you at the airport two days earlier than planned so you could meet the love of your life. Your car breaks down, and you are late for an appointment. While it's true that you never arrive at that important meeting, you end up spending a few relaxing hours with people you would never have met otherwise.In order to keep us awake to opportunity and to teach us equanimity, the universe throws us the occasional curve ball. Remember that curve balls are not only life's way of keeping us awake, which is a gift in and of itself; they are also often life's way of bringing us wonderful surprises. Next time a curve ball comes your way, take a deep breath, say thank you, and open your mind to a new opportunity.

Tired!

i haven't blogged in a week.. my head has been bothering me and i have had so much stuff going on... i had a cat scan done on my head on monday to see if there is something "medically" wrong with my head that keeps causing me to have these headaches... for the past several years my sinus infections that i thought i kept getting (along with my doctor) haven't really been sinus infections... well, some of them might have been but not all of them... for some reason, and we don't know why, my head hurts, pretty much all the time... there might be one or two days out of the week where my head doesn't hurt (or not very bad anyways) but for the most part it's a constant headache... not just a small one either... on the really "good" days it feels like someone is stabbing an ice pick in my sinuses usually above my right eye... it usually hurts on the right side... so i had a cat scan done since the headaches have been so consistent for so long and the intensity of the headaches has been growing... i don't know what to think about my headaches... it's a catch 22... i don't want anything to show up on the cat scan because then that will involve my head/brain/sinuses but if nothing shows up then does that mean that there is no reason that i should be having these headaches? i don't know... all i know is that we finally got my back "fixed".. it hasn't bothered me in a while, other than the occasional ache or pain.... but now my head... i talked to momma and she said i've had headaches my whole life... and i don't think i've ever had any tests run to see if there was a reason.... so, i guess we'll just have to wait and see....
murph has acne, still.... poor guy.. i took him to the vet two fridays ago and they gave him so antibiotics and i can't really tell if they're helping or not... he has some acne on his neck now, it's not just below his lower lip... so we may be planning on another trip to the vet... they said if his acne doesn't clear up they may have to give him monthly steriod shots... poor little murph!! it doesn't bother him but the vet said it can cause an infection so we need to watch it...
besides that r and i have been trying to work around the house and get things cleaned up and/or fixed up... it's just really frustrating to try and do something when my head hurts as bad as it does... but, we're doing the best we can and that's all we can do... i trust though that there is a plan and whatever the plan is going to be for me it's for the best... it will all work out according to the universe.... and as long as i know and trust in that everything will be good and fine...
r and i are debating on driving to new mexico for thanksgiving next week... his mom and step-dad invited us down... his mom is flying his brother out and his sister lives there so it will be mom and the kids, if we go... i wouldn't mind going but the only thing i am dreading is the drive... not there so much as back.. when we get back it'll be a mad dash to get everything done, i.e. laundry & stuff, before we have to go back to work... and i was really just hoping for a nice, quiet, relaxing long weekend... we'll see though... i'm not sure what we're going to do... and i was really hoping to try to get the christmas decorations (what we have.. hehe) out and maybe start on those... so, we'll just have to wait and see.... it's no biggie though.... whatever happens will be fine, no reason to stress over it... especially something that we have a choice about and can control...
besides my headaches things have been going very well... coincidences are popping up all over the place... the emails that i have been getting really seem to focus on what is going on with me and what reassurance i need... it's really awesome to see this power alive and working in my life... that is exciting! i'm still trying to stay positive and keep my thoughts positive! most of the time i do pretty good! r has even commented on the difference! (and you know it has to be "significant" for a man to notice a difference.. hehe).... i have noticed though that when i take a pain pill (i took one the other day to see if it would help my head any) that i was so irritable and wasn't nearly as calm as when i'm not on anything except my anti-depressants... so, now the pills are affecting me in ways that i hadn't noticed before and to be honest, i'm glad... another reason to stay off of them and not get back on them... sometimes it's still a struggle though... but i have to say that i am proud of myself, i think i'm doing really good... especially considering where i was say, 6 months or a year ago... doped up pill head... oops... but, i'm not going to lie anymore, i knew it (it did take me a while to realize it though) and didn't want to do anything about it... but i'm glad i did!! my life is changing and i am glad! i am welcoming the change!
i must say though that everything seems to be much better... life in general, my relationship with r and everyone else......this "new" way of thinking is going well and is making things so much better! i haven't really let myself into any uncomfortable situations though yet... i'm working on that... right now i'm just trying to stay in my comfort zone.... soon though, soon! i must say though that r and i have been getting along really well lately... maybe it's my new outlook on things.. all i know is that i am so happy and consider myself so lucky to have such a wonderful husband! he has been so sweet and nice lately! i am loving it! and him!
i'm going to work now, get my billing done so that i'll be through for the day! more soon!

Bad Case of the I Don't Wannas....

i am so glad that it's friday because i have a bad case of the i don't wannas today... well, it's really i just don't wanna be at work... the weather outside is beautiful, i could be at home raking leaves or something like that... why would i want to rake leaves you ask? i have no idea but since last week i have been wanting to get out in the backyard and rake some leaves... crazy!?! things are good here... i have started to see things manifest themselves in my life and i think it is wonderful... i am so thankful for everything that i have right now! i am a very lucky person!! i have a wonderful husband, two awesome (even if they do "run amuck") kitties, the best parents in the world, amazing friends, and more than i could ask for...
i received an email yesterday that made me feel much better about my "mood swings" that i've been having lately... i've been thinking, change is so hard... i've thought this way for 27 years and trying to change that is going to be difficult... change might (or might not) be hard but at the same time it's ok to get emotional.... here's what the email said.. the way that things appear when you "need" them too is incredible... loving life!!

If you're trying to change a pattern of behavior or navigate your way through a life change, don't assume that it has to be easy. Wanting to cry or being moody during a period of change is natural. Then again, don't assume that making a change needs to be hard. Sometimes, changes are meant to be that easy.

Coincidence? I think not....

i sat down saturday to check my email and was surprised to find an email there that i knew belonged... the email was an inspirational one and really hit home... the website is:
http://www.isurrenderthis.com

this email and website once again reassured me that i am following the right path... it may be slow going but slow going is much better than not going at all... this phrase jumped out at me and has stuck in my head...

Believe that there are no chance happenings in your life. Let this thought sink in and now turn this thought into a belief. Feel it, smile about it and believe it to be true. Surrender does not hurry or worry. It does not judge or ridicule. It believes in a positive outcome. Belief has emotion and needs to be felt. Our belief can not be faint hearted but must be steadfast and true.

i cannot explain in words how i am feeling right now... i have a sense of peace and fulfillment about me.... even though the feeling i am experiencing now may be just a momentary feeling i know that in time it will be the emotion that i feel all of the time... i am working hard to become a better person and just let go of everything... if i truly believe i can do anything thru Him who strengthens me.... your Him maybe be God, Buddha, or something else but what/who ever it is just believe and so it shall come to be....

Life

my chiropractor told me thursday, you get out of like what you put into it... wise words of wisdom... i am trying my very best to put positive thoughts and peace into my life and project that so that is what i get back.... i'm excited, more later on this but i have learned that nothing in life is a coincidence... everything happens for a reason and there is something positive that you can take out of every situation...

Getting Hot!

sorry, i know i am supposed to be oozing kindness and peace but i am pissed!!! my co-worker is trying to sabotage me i suppose, i can't think of any other word for it... i guess he is mad because he's getting old and senile so he's trying to make me think i am... he just had the nerve to come in here and blame me for not making a copy of something and giving it to one of the formen... um, no, i actually made the copies that i was supposed to make... once the copy leaves my hands and is on the desk where it needs to be i am not responsible for it anymore... i guess i'm just going to have to hold on to everything and personally hand it to whomever it needs to get too.... i have no idea what his problem is.... at all... all i know is that i am blazing mad right now!!! he has been getting on my nerves so so bad!!! he is forgetting everything, EVERYTHING!!!! and now he's trying to act like it's not him... um, no, i'm not the moron, you are... and he treats me like a idiot.... he has to explain everything like i have no idea what he's talking about... yeah, he should know that if i have questions i'll come in there and ask him... i spent most of my time asking questions when i first started.... yeah, i'll ask if i don't understand or need some guidance... now the owner, t, is pissed at me because i didn't make that copy... i know this is stupid to get worked up over but i have really been trying to keep my anger in check over the past week and it works fine until i have to deal with him.... he's old enough to retire in december but i know that won't happen... he's going to try to work here until he dies... that is if he hasn't messed things up so bad by then that t just lets him go.... stupid freaking "christian" man who acts like he is so much better than everyone, never does anything wrong, but yet manages to judge people based on the color of their skin or something else equally as stupid... but, yeah, he's "a good christian man"... my big fat ass you are!!! (apparently he can't read the part that says not to judge... you would think he belonged to the first baptist cult in this town but no, he doesn't...).... now i need to go calm myself down before i can't...

Getting Older

every morning when i get to work i usually spend the first half an hour or so reading the newspaper.... trying to stay on top of current events and just checking out what's going on.... i always scan the obits and the letters to the editor too.... today i was scanning the obits and i saw a name i recognized.... i grew up with her grandson.... and for the longest time thought that he would be the one i would marry.... we were so close for so long.... his grandma dying just snapped me into reality... a reality that i would have preferred to stay out of.... i know that death is inevitable but when you're younger it isn't something that you really have to deal with (for me anyways).... this past year i have seen my mom's best friend bury her mother and her mother-in-law.... all within about a months time.... i can't imagine how hard that must have been for mom's best friend and for mom... both of those deaths impacted me and now so has nora's...
just yesterday i was sitting here at work thinking about halloween years ago when k's dad took several of us to haunted houses one year... we weren't old enough to drive yet so k's dad took us... we had such a good time... and thinking back to how we wish we were old enough to drive so that we could drive ourselves... and then how we wished we were old enough to buy our smokes (legally)... and then how we wished we were old enough to buy beer legally.... it's funny, time just flies but you don't really notice it until you get older... and once you're older you wish you could slow it down... today is november 1st, 2005 and i can hardly believe it... life is just flying by, just like i wanted it too years ago.... and like momma said it would.... i made the comment to momma one time that i didn't like funerals because they were sad... she said something along the lines of, the funeral is for those who stayed behind, letting them know that you are there and that you care.... that's a good way to think about it even though it doesn't take the sadness away....