Monday (Again!)

it's monday again.... once again, i'm not in a good mood or a bad mood, just kinda indifferent.... there's not much going on at work, which is fine by me.... or at home, which is also fine by me... i'm just kinda blah.... it's cool and rainy and i'm loving the weather! r and i had a good weekend... now i'm just waiting for next weekend... hopefully the week will go by fast and will be a good week!

Struggling

well, it's thursday and i've managed to make it thru the week without getting angry... irritated yes but not angry... today is a struggle though, not to keep from getting angry but to keep from getting irritated and judging my co-worker... i know i can keep from doing this and i feel better that i am at least conscious of what i am doing... maybe it's not judging that i am doing but i know that i don't need to be thinking what i am thinking regarding him.... i need to be calm and at peace, not getting irritated at him... it's so easy to do though from an outsiders point of view... but, like i said, i am working on changing my thoughts and my life....

Monday

the weekend was pretty good... nothing to complain about anyways... i managed to control my temper all weekend long, i didn't get mad once... i did get irritated at walmart but that's kinda to be expected.... walmart can be irritating! but as far as getting mad or anything it didn't happen... this morning has been more of a challenge (yes, my co-worker) but it's not him today, it's me.. i'm not having a bad day i'm just not feeling too well.. my head and neck are really hurting me right now... i woke up at 3am this morning (and wasn't able to go back to sleep) with a horrible headache... it felt like my head was splitting in half (and at the time i was wishing it would just so it would quit hurting!)... i'm going to see the chiropractor after work though, she'll make it better... i miss r and the kitties too... but that's because i was with them all weekend long... poor little mazzy cat was sitting on her stool watching me out the window this morning as i was leaving... i sure do wish she could wave... it is so cute but it makes me so sad to see her sitting there! even though she's probably like, i thought you were never going to leave! anyways, i'm about to go get some lunch... there's not much going on at work today, it's kinda quiet which is good considering my head and neck....
friday i was talking about coincidences and things happening... today my infinite increase email was really odd, it just fits right into place... for those who are wondering what it said....

ANYTIME I FEEL OUT OF CONTROL... I LET GO AND LET GOD HANDLE IT

"Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

It does not matter what is causing your life to be out of control, the solution is always the same -- let go and let God handle it. God will reveal the answers and show you the way to go.
Begin the process right now. Say aloud in prayer -
"I am willing to let go and let God handle everything."

Kinda scary it's so on track!! but it just reinforces what i've been trying to accomplish...

Excellent!

i just want to say that i am so happy today and have been since last night... last night k invited r and i to a banquet for bpw (business & professional women)... k is president of the organization this year and has been trying to get me to join bpw for years now... i am ready! i want to join! and i'm going too!! i had such a good time at the banquet last night, it was so much fun! and to be honest, r is so supportive of bpw, he told me the whole way home, i think you should join, that would be good for you!! it was really quite surprising to me that he was as supportive as he was! but i think he can see that it is an excellent organization and that it would be good for me (even though he might not admit that)! in a way, and i hate to say this and then ruin it, but i feel like a sense of peace is washing over me.... i'm trying my best to be conscious of my anger and to head it off before i get angry... so far so good... i actually had a conversation this morning with my co-worker and didn't want to rip his head off.... today when he does the normal stuff that drives me up the wall i just tell myself, he is so goofy and kinda giggle about it!! i'm really working hard on controlling my anger and trying to make a conscious effort to be a better person! i am hoping that my good mood will stay and that i can keep on doing as good as i've been doing since last night... my cheeks hurt from smiling so much last night... that hasn't happened since our wedding.... it is such a good feeling! i find myself trying to think thoughts that are talked about in the book i'm reading, manifest your destiny, and it seems to be going good! and the past few days i've been seeing all sorts of "signs", if you will allow me to call them that... anything from emails to cards, articles that i read online randomly, all sorts of different places... and all the "signs" are pointing towards what the book is teaching me... it's really exciting! i just can't quit smiling!! it is so awesome how these signs come when i'm needing them... i don't think it's a coincidence but there is a higher power (God) working in each of us (as well as everything in the universe) and i believe that when signs appear as they have been lately for me that is a clue that i need to be paying attention those signs... that i am headed in the right direction.... and that just makes me feel so much better... like i'm moving in the right direction... and i believe i am! and that's what matters, what you believe!!
i haven't said much about the book manifest your destiny (and it might sound a little crazy just from what i've said in my blog) but it's not... it really makes sense... simply put, energy is in all of us and in everything and we have the energy to manifest whatever it is in life that we are looking for or need ... if i would have started reading it a month ago or a year from now i can't say that it would have made me think about it like i am now... i think timing is a key factor regarding things like this... i know that something has been missing from my life for a long time (religion? spirituality?) and i think i've found what has been missing... now i'm working towards developing "my higher self" so that i can recognize and see the energy that is in all of us and that connects all of us... no more being judgemental or looking "down" upon people... i'm working on changing.... i feel that i have accomplished a lot so far (and i may or may not have) but as long as i am moving towards my goal, no matter how slowly, things will just get better... i know that "bad" things will still happen but at least i will be in a better frame/state of mind to deal with the "bad" things.... oddly enough, my infinite awareness quote and prayer today was:

I AM CONNECTED TO THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE

Let us pray:
Dear loving God within,
I am an extension of
You dear God.
And because I am
connected to You...
I am also connected
to the power, the
wisdom... and full
understandings of
the entire universe.
The genius of God
that came through
the great inventors,
the creative masters,
and today's
wondrous idea
people, comes
through me NOW.
Thanks to You dear
God... my power is
beyond reckoning.
Amen & amen.

it all ties in and fits! it is so wonderful! i cannot thank my chiropractor enough for telling me about this book... she has been a wonderful inspiration to me, she said that i remind her a lot of herself when she was my age... if so, she has come a long way!! her and k are both a great inspiration to me! they are both so selfless and giving! so for all of you who have had your fingers crossed for me, keep them crossed!!! i think there is a chance that courtney might be in control!!!

Not too Bad

today hasn't been too bad of a day overall.. unlike yesterday which went from ok to bad to worse... i'm still getting annoyed by my co-worker but i really am working on that... i'm reading a book that i really hope is going to help.... so far i really like it... and i'm really hoping that i can implement what i'm reading into my life.. i thought i'd read it once and then go back and re-read it... let it sink in more, absorb it better.... i'm all about trying to incorporate peace into my life... keep your fingers crossed!!

Last Straw!!

this is it! the last straw! the one that broke the camel's back!!! my button just came off my capri's!!! ok, so now i have no zipper but i have no button as well... and no safety pin! i know i'm supposed to be trying to think positive but man, this sucks!!!

Going Out of My Mind!!!

i swear, i am about to really hurt someone.... i really have no idea how much more i can take!! my co-worker is about to drive me up the freaking wall!!! he's such a moron!!! pull your head out of your ass and it will all be ok!!! and leave me alone while you're at it please!!! don't come talk to me, don't tell me stupid stories, and stupid jokes for that matter, just ignore me and act like i'm not here!!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! EVERYONE!!!!

Just Another Day

this is excellent, the zipper on my capri's just broke (they actually aren't too small believe it or not) and there is not a safety pin to be found up here at work... dead rats the size of my foot (not including the tail) yes but a safety pin, no.... i'm going to make a note to bring a few safety pins to work... never know when you might need one.... luckily i only have an hour and a half left and i have on a longer t-shirt today! whew!! but i am embarassed, even though no one up here knows what happened i'm still embarassed.... oh well, nothing i can do about it now!!

Thank You!!!

it's tuesday and i haven't posted in a while so i thought i would do that while i had some free time... i believe i have the most awesome parents!! momma and daddy are unbelievable, i wish everyone had parents like mine! they never hesitate to help out and have always loved me unconditionally (and that says a lot!!!!)! i only hope they know how much i appreciate them!! momma and daddy came over on friday night and "helped" me put the oven in, more like they installed it and then daddy came over on saturday morning and installed the garbage disposal! it's like having a brand new kitchen!!! i love the oven and disposal, i never thought i would be so excited about an oven and disposal but i am! it's amazing how much you miss things when you don't have them! needless to say, the parents and the new appliances are awesome!! momma and daddy, you are both so amazing, i love you!

Sad?

for some reason, and i'm really not sure why, i've been sad the past week or so.... i really wish i had some sort of inkling as to why i'm sad but i really can't think of anything.... our oven and garbage disposal are in so maybe we can try to get that installed this weekend.... things are going good... i mean, there's nothing bad going on, but for some reason i just can't seem to shake the blues that i've been having the past week.... i tried talking to r about it and he said that i just need to get over whatever it is.... (and i know that it seems when i blog about him i'm down on him and all over him, but, it's really not like that, i love him and would do anything for him... he really is an awesome person, this is just my "vent freely option").... it seems he doesn't understand that i'm just sad... i can't pinpoint why or even come up with any sort of idea... i guess he thinks that you have to have a reason or know why you're sad... that you just can't be sad for no reason.... maybe if i believed that way i wouldn't be sad... r and i were talking last night and he said, you have no reason not to be happy.... we've both got good jobs, a nice house, good cars, 2 wonderful "kids", and everything is going good.... he said you just have to be thankful for what you have and don't worry about what you don't have... don't let what you don't have get you down... it shouldn't, that's what we're working for/towards... he's right and i know he's right but for some reason i just can't seem to shake the sadness... i'm kinda feeling the way i was feeling at cingular but not as bad.... which is good! i thought that i just felt that way because i was at cingular and hated my job!! i don't hate my job now, not even my co-worker.... he just annoys me (even though i really am trying to control my emotions toward him)... i really don't know if he's doing the things he does on purpose or not... r seems to think not.... some of it might be but for the most part i think he's just getting old and his mind is slipping... which has to be scary.... i really am trying to keep that in the back of my mind and just let things go... i do feel better after blogging this but i'm still sad... maybe the sadness will pass! i know it will pass but hopefully it will pass soon....

Raise!

good things are happening!!! our boss just called and said to give everyone $0.50 raise for cost of living due to the increased gas prices and everything... he is awesome!!! i really like my boss!! he is probably the best boss that i have ever had!!! you go T!!!!

Worn Smooth Out

well, it's tuesday and my plan for getting to bed early last night didn't work so well.. i am worn smooth out... i have been so tired lately... part of it is because, as silly as this sounds, i have been having really bad scary nightmares.... they're the dreams that you can't remember but when you wake up you feel uneasy and like you didn't sleep very good at all.... this morning i woke up crying... i can't remember why either.... i thought maybe it was the nyquil making me have bad dreams but for the past two nights i haven't taken any and have still had nightmares... this happens occasionally.... i went thru a really bad spell of nightmares when i was coming off the oxycontins... i'm not on anything now, well, occasionally i'll take a pain pill or xanax when needed but no more just taking them to take them.... i am just ready to get some good sleep...
on top of having nightmares my sleep has been really restless.... i'll sleep really good for about 3, maybe 4 hours if i'm really lucky, then wake up and toss and turn until it's time to get up... then when i get up i'm so tired.... but the weird thing is that my dreams have continuing even after i wake up and when i finally get back to sleep... i haven't changed any meds or anything recently... i'm trying to think if i've been doing anything different that might be affecting my sleep... all i know is that i am tired!!! i would love to go home and crawl in bed right now!! i could sleep all day long (and then i know i wouldn't be able to sleep tonight!).... and as far as sleeping in on the weekends, i've been getting up on saturdays and sundays by 10 (which is good for me!), with the exception of this sunday... r and i slept until almost 1:00... but i didn't get home from the 3 doors down concert and walmart until 1:30(ish)... and r got home after me... i can't even tell you what time it was, i was trying so hard to stay awake but that didn't work too well.... i finally went to sleep about 7am sunday morning.... well, i tried to sleep from about 2am to 7am and it was just restless tossing and turning.... i know this can't go on forever, eventually i'll get tired enough and just sleep... i've just been grouchy though and i'm kinda tired of that....
on a totally different note, 2 men just came in here to talk to my co-worker about maybe paying us to use one of our buildings to paint some very large steel objects in and he was so rude!! i was so embarassed to be sitting in here with him talking to them like that.... i just wanted to crawl under my desk.... i did get up and go to the back... for being such a "good christian man" you would think he would abide by the golden rule, treat others like you wish to be treated.... he doesn't though, he is such an ass.... he gets all worked up when people are rude to him and he'll slam the phone down or just be plain rude back, no killing them with kindness for him... (i'm working on that though).... i wish he would just take a step back and look at himself and see how he's acting.... FOOL!

Case of the Thursdays?

it's thursday morning, not even 9:30 and i am pretty much done with my work for today.... that must mean it's going to be a long day... that's what i was thinking before i even got here this morning, actually, that was one of my first thoughts today.... i sure would like to be at home with the kitties today.... it's cool and rainy outside, perfect day to lounge around the house, but there will be time for that later.... i'm down today and i don't know why.... i wish i did but i don't... maybe my mood will improve, hopefully!! otherwise it's going to be a really long day!

D Day!!

as my friend posted in her blog, today is D-Day!! for Doom's Day, Divorce Day, and/or Disaster Day!!! it is official, nick and jessica are splitting!!! this is not good news for the rest of us who, as embarassed as i am to say this, look up to them... maybe look up isn't the right choice of words, maybe just curious to see how the "others" live.... they always seemed so happy, especially in newlyweds... i mean, you wouldn't expect any less but, divorce!! really?!?!?! i mean first it was jennifer and brad... now nick and jessica... man alive!!!
on a different note, i am having a good week! things haven't gone too bad this week... even though i didn't get a lunch again today... my co-worker was just going to run to pick up some bolts real quick (15-20 minutes tops!) and be right back so i could eat lunch... he was gone over an hour (AND he forgot to drop off the bolts that he just had to run and get so they're still in the back of his truck, it sure is a good thing he had to go right then to get them! blithering idiot!!!) i mean, come on!!! how hard is it to pull your head out of your ass? apparently for him (and much of the male species) practically impossible!! so no lunch for me today... i am trying like hell to not get mad about it too... i mean, if he would eat lunch when he normally does, instead of i feel like, trying to screw me out of my lunch (or whatever else it might be) then i would have a chance to eat... but he's losing his damn mind so can i really hold him responsible? yes, i think so, he seems to be doing it on purpose... so my goal is to make his life as damn miserable as i possibly can.... ok, i know that shouldn't be my goal but now i'm getting pissed.... and i guess i'm pissed at me too because i just bite my tongue and never say anything... i don't know how much longer i'm going to be able to do that and i am scared that one day i'm just going to go off on him... but that's ok, it's just like talking to grandma c, it just goes in one ear and out the other... he usually interrupts me while i'm talking and then doesn't stop, he just keeps on talking... ok, because i wasn't saying anything... but besides starving right now the day has been pretty good!!
i found this article online about grudges... i really need to work through this grudge with grandma c... not so that i can forgive her per say but so i can let it go.... the grudge i'm holding against her isn't hurting her, it's hurting me... she has no idea i'm not happy with her... maybe that's what i'll work on this afternoon.... maybe i'll just sit here and stew, who knows... i don't have very much left to do this week... i'm trying to save something to do tomorrow!!