well, this week has been about like last week so far.... nothing really good or exciting, in fact it's kinda been a bummer... life with no pills sucks!! i did decide that i was going to start taking my anti-depressants again because every few minutes i felt like i could just break down bawling... and well, i did.... plus, they helped control my temper and attitude... and i do need help controlling my temper and attitude! i guess admitting it is a good thing.... i am in a pissy mood today and have been all week.... everyone is just getting on my nerves and driving me crazy.... i cannot wait for the weekend! i decided to go back to school and finish up my masters degree in business.... i'm just waiting to hear if i was admitted.... hopefully i am... but then that brings up another concern, money to pay for school.... what i would give to just go back to the "old" me and start taking pills again.... i don't know how many people knew that i was actually taking as many pills as i was... but, in my own sick mind, if they didn't know, and maybe they did but i was just too messed up to see it, maybe i could just sneak back to that way.... but honestly that's not really how i want to live my life, it was just much easier and much less stressful and right now that's what i need.... even, r didn't know how much i was taking... and when he found out he couldn't believe it... and we've been living together for the past 5 years....
right now at this point these are just the thoughts that are going thru my head.... no pills for now... i go see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning so we'll just see what he says....
i don't know if things have always been this way but i am feeling so much pressure from so many people to do things that i don't want to do or be a part of but at the same time feel i can't say no.... to me, just going ahead and doing whatever it is has been easier than saying no and dealing with the consequences.... but now i am so tired of doing that i guess i need to grow a spine and just tell them that i don't want to do that or whatever... and like k says, if they are my true friends they will understand and respect that and if they don't, well, apparently they're not my true friends....
i just needed to vent this morning about things that have been getting under my skin lately.... i know i need to work on myself to get me to where i need to be and not worry about everyone else.... that's what i keep telling myself anyways... until later....