well, sometimes it seems that everything happens for a reason... maybe there was a reason i wasn't supposed to get another loaner typewriter.... this one is SO old... i know, all typewriters are old, for the most part, but man, this one doesn't even have a memory... i know, spoiled brat! but as many invoices and delivery tickets as i type up, whew, well, i probably don't have to worry about getting bored.... i should have plenty of typing to do!! nuts! i guess i should remember this the next time that i want to complain.... mom just sent me an email asking if i was ok... she said that her and daddy are worried about me... is it that obvious that something is wrong? i talked to momma for about 10 minutes monday night and that was the first time i've talked to them since last tuesday..... apparently i'm very good at concealing my true feelings.... whatever!

so i was going back and re-reading my blog and what i've posted recently... i wonder, do you think i have an anger problem? um, yeah, slightly... but i think that recognizing that you do have a problem is the first step toward solving it... the way i feel, at least i'm not in denial.... yeah, so i have an anger problem.... and things haven't been going to good lately but that's ok, they have to get better.... work is better, i'm going to exchange my loaner typewriter for another loaner... hopefully this one will work... otherwise i may just lose it.... after i'm done with payroll today i don't have much else to do... hopefully i can find something to do or else it will be a long afternoon.... my mood is improving, slowly, but it is improving.... that's a start... more later i suppose...

life is still sucking and so is work now... i was in a fine mood until i got here and started using my broke ass loaner typewriter... the pills really help me get in a good mood, until someone really pisses me off... i guess courtney out of control would be a much more appropriate title for my blog... for about the past two weeks i've had a loaner typewriter for my typewriter.... about a week and a half ago the loaner started messing up... it's been messing up way worse than my original one... yes, i still have to use a typewriter.... i know, dinosaur ages... anyways, i keep asking my co-worker if he has called about my typewriter since my loaner is messing up... he has called once and is now sitting in there with his head down on his desk doing nothing... all i'm saying is that i'm not in the mood for this... using this typewriter slows me down considerably and is a very big inconvenience... it's almost easier to just do everything by hand, but he prefers it typed.... he better watch out or this loaner typewriter may be going thru something... like, the door, the window of his car, whatever i chose.... don't funk with me right now, i am not in a good mood, haven't been and am in no mood to deal with crap from anyone, especially my co-worker... it's like he tries to make my life as difficult as possible... bullsh*t!!! of course it doesn't matter to him, all of his crap is working fine... but if it was his he would be freaking out and on the repair people everyday!!! screw you!!!

life has been sucking lately... so as of now i'm back on the pills... funk it... does it really matter anyways? right now, nope. i just wish i wasn't such a freaking headcase!

so far today i have absolutely nothing to do and i am dead tired... what i would give to be able to take a nap right now... but that's ok, it's almost lunch and that means the day is half over... hopefully the afternoon will fly by... my mission today is to buy the book the Celestine Prophecy... my chiropractor recommended it to me and i am very excited about it... it is a self help book to help you figure out what makes you happy.... i realized yesterday that i am not going to be able to go to school this semester... i went by to talk to the graduate coordinator yesterday before work and one class out of the five that i could take in the fall was open... and there were only 2 spots left open in it... i tried to register but the website told me that the class was full... oh well, we didn't have the money for me to go anyways, not after the fire disaster... and i'm still paying on my back... but that's ok, my back hasn't been bothering me so i'm not going to complain... hopefully this last set of shots and the chiropractor have done the trick.. that would be nice... so i am sitting here with 5 1/2 hours left before it's time to go... i'm glad i don't have this much free time every day or i would be so bored! but every once in a while is good! it's nice to have a break! our dryer was delivered on tuesday so that has been taken care of... we're waiting now to see what the insurance is going to do but we really need to get an oven.... i didn't realize how much i actually used the oven.. and i don't even cook much! more later...

i don't really know where to start.... this hasn't been a bad week at all... monday was good and well, today has been good.... nothing exciting has been going on but with all the "excitement" last week with the house i don't know how much more i could handle.... things are just moving along though... our new dryer was delivered today.... we still need to go oven shopping but we're waiting to see how much money we're going to get from the insurance company... i had no idea appliances were so expensive! anyways, more later, off to work some!!

i must say that today has turned out to be a good day!! r and i are going dryer shopping tonight, hopefully! our insurance agent told us to save all our receipts and they would reimburse us... that makes me feel better.... but today got good! i don't know why or whatever but i don't really care! it got good and that's what matters!! hopefully we will be able to make a little progress on the house this weekend... we need to get our list made for the insurance adjustor so that he can reimburse us for our loss....

this has been a very LONG week.... monday started out ok, not great but ok.... tuesday morning early our tree and/or driveway were struck by lightning.... i woke up about 5:00 in the morning because murphy decided it was play time.... got up, went to the restroom and was about to go back to bed when i thought i heard water dripping in the house... for those of you who know the house, we've had some problems with a leaky ceiling... i went into the kitchen and there was water dripping out of the vent but the oven was also on fire... i screamed for r, he came running in there after i shouted fire, and he used the fire extinguisher on the oven.... the extinguisher ran out and the oven was still on fire but luckily it burned out... that was so scary! in my mind i was already formulating a plan to get the kitties out of the house and it was pouring sheets of rain outside.... it turns out that the lightning hit the tree, followed the roots to the driveway, ran up the driveway because of the rebar, broke concrete off the side of the driveway and up by the garage, into the house, pictures fell off the walls, and caught the oven on fire... initially we thought that it was just the oven and microwave that were damaged but that turned out not to be the case.... the oven, microwave, garbage disposal, light above the sink, dishwasher, tv, dvr player, and dryer are not working... or are not working as they were... i think that's everything.... needless to say this has been a most stressful week for me... tuesday morning on the way to work i took a xanax.... i guess the reality of what had happened had set in and i was bawling.... the electrician came yesterday and fixed the plugs that had burt up and checked out the breaker box... turns out the breaker box wasn't grounded and if it would have been none of this would have happened.... warning- before you buy a house make sure the breaker box is grounded! the inspectors are supposed to check this out (but sometimes they don't....)... i also made fun of the fire extinguisher when we moved in, i kept saying, let's get rid of this, we don't need it... now, i was so glad we had it and will buy another one! the stress of the lightning, maybe (?) going back to school, and being behind at work has caught up to me... i am way stressed... i thought that i might not be able to go back to school because of finances well, now it's really looking that way.... insurance will pay for everything but they won't pay for the full replacement value of it... i guess you could say they pay fair market value.... so now, i'm back on the xanax.... i'm not sure if it was a wise move or not but i absolutely could not take anymore.... r is right, i should rename my blog to courtney out of control.... that is much more appropriate... especially now... i just feel like everything is surreal right now.... is this really happening? it could have been worse and i just have to keep telling myself that... at least the r and kitties weren't hurt! i'm really glad that i decided to get up that night to go to the bathroom, otherwise i don't know what would have happened.... but like i keep trying to tell myself, everything happens for a reason... maybe this happened so that we would know the breaker box wasn't grounded so that the house wouldn't burn down.... i'm trying to stay positive and off the meds but man, this has been a killer week.... way too much stress!!! the pictures that i posted show what the lightning did to the grass, to the cement by the garage (that hole wasn't there!), and to the oven....

well, it's monday again.... so far it's been a monday.... i've been very down and sad lately and i don't know why... i thought that on friday it was just because of my doctor's appointment but i am still down and sad... i don't know what the problem is, only that it's frustrating me to no end... and stressing me out because i am always worrying why i'm sad.... i don't know if it's being off the meds or what....
i got my acceptance letter to school to finish my master's degree and i don't know if i'm going to be able to go financially... i keep on getting more and more bills for the last set of epidural cortizone shots that i had done... i only have to pay 20% but right now that's overwhelming... on top of my chiropractor bill.... once again, all i want to do is go home, get in bed, and cry... hopefully the day will get better though.... and if the day doesn't get better maybe the week will.... i keep telling myself to just think positive!! so that's what i'm doing.... and i've added some positive thoughts that i really like and am going to try to instill in myself!! no more being sad!! (we'll see how it goes!)

Positive Thoughts:
What you think about is what you get. My thoughts are powerful and therefore I choose them carefully.

Whatever you say, if you believe it, will come to pass in your life. Choose your words and beliefs carefully. I say and believe only those things I wish to create in my life.

Being conscious of your thoughts is the first step in transforming your reality. I AM conscious of my thoughts and I easily replace them with thoughts that create the life I desire.

well, it's friday... thankfully! so far today hasn't been as good as i had hoped it would be... right now i just want to go hide under the covers and cry... i don't know why, it may have something to do with going to see the psychiatrist this morning, he usually makes me sad.. i don't know if that's supposed to happen or not but it does... not every time, just most of the time.... anyways, hopefully today will get better, after all, it's friday and we have a fun weekend planned...

so today has taken a turn for the better.... ever since i quit taking my meds my moods have been so unpredictable.... and can change at the drop of a hat... but, that is something that i can work on... and maybe incorporating better coping skills into my life will help that.... but dealing with life with no meds sucks.... they say hindsight is 20/20 and they are right! if i had known then what i know now i probably wouldn't have ever started taking xanax.... the pain pills probably so because my back was hurting me so bad but the xanax, knowing how difficult it would be to get off of them, no way!!! they're always in the back of my mind, just take a xanax, you'll calm down... all day every day.... i haven't been sleeping good at night and when i do finally get to sleep i have nightmares... i'm not sure if this is because my body is not filled with pills and it has no idea still how to react... and admitting that i have a problem with pills is not easy.... i thought people judged me before when i was on them now only a few people really know what's going on.... this absolutely sucks... i had no idea that mentally and emotionally withdrawals could (and would be) so difficult... i read that most people are just mentally addicted to xanax but for me it's not just mental, it's physical as well... the throwing up, feeling like you're getting the flu, and just basically feeling like crap all the time... and you KNOW that if you could just take one little pill all the bad nasty feelings would go away.... that is the hardest part, knowing that you can make it go away but at the same time you can't.... just one little pill would take care of it but that one little pill is what got me here in the first place... so, to all of you who know me, bear with me... this is and has been a difficult 3 weeks.... it will get better, i do have faith in that! and it can't last forever!! (i hope!!)
so, my friend that inspired me to start a blog is still dieting and i am super proud of her... she is doing the "jessica simpson" diet, i don't know what else to call it.. and i am thinking that i would like to do that... besides, i need to replace taking a pill with something and it might as well be something healthy like eating better and getting exercise..... i think i'm going to give it a shot! it can't hurt anything!! and i'm worried about my health... i have a dr.'s appt. next thursday with my new doctor and i am going to see if she will give me a complete physical... i have been so unhappy with my old family doctor for so long.... and he made me feel like everything was in my head and that there was nothing wrong with me.... and i've learned that you need to be able to trust your doctor... my awesome chiropractor told me that... and she is very knowledgeable.... i have learned a lot of things over the past 3 weeks.... i know the areas that i need to work on and i am going to do that... i know i can do this! i just have to keep a positive attitude about it!! and yes, there will be bad days but that's ok, i can overcome them! i have an excellent group of friends and family that i know i can count on!

well, this week has been about like last week so far.... nothing really good or exciting, in fact it's kinda been a bummer... life with no pills sucks!! i did decide that i was going to start taking my anti-depressants again because every few minutes i felt like i could just break down bawling... and well, i did.... plus, they helped control my temper and attitude... and i do need help controlling my temper and attitude! i guess admitting it is a good thing.... i am in a pissy mood today and have been all week.... everyone is just getting on my nerves and driving me crazy.... i cannot wait for the weekend! i decided to go back to school and finish up my masters degree in business.... i'm just waiting to hear if i was admitted.... hopefully i am... but then that brings up another concern, money to pay for school.... what i would give to just go back to the "old" me and start taking pills again.... i don't know how many people knew that i was actually taking as many pills as i was... but, in my own sick mind, if they didn't know, and maybe they did but i was just too messed up to see it, maybe i could just sneak back to that way.... but honestly that's not really how i want to live my life, it was just much easier and much less stressful and right now that's what i need.... even, r didn't know how much i was taking... and when he found out he couldn't believe it... and we've been living together for the past 5 years....
right now at this point these are just the thoughts that are going thru my head.... no pills for now... i go see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning so we'll just see what he says....
i don't know if things have always been this way but i am feeling so much pressure from so many people to do things that i don't want to do or be a part of but at the same time feel i can't say no.... to me, just going ahead and doing whatever it is has been easier than saying no and dealing with the consequences.... but now i am so tired of doing that i guess i need to grow a spine and just tell them that i don't want to do that or whatever... and like k says, if they are my true friends they will understand and respect that and if they don't, well, apparently they're not my true friends....
i just needed to vent this morning about things that have been getting under my skin lately.... i know i need to work on myself to get me to where i need to be and not worry about everyone else.... that's what i keep telling myself anyways... until later....

hopefully there will be more than one post today as i feel i have a lot to vent about.... the one thing i did want to add right now is this... mom is not a mean person, i mean, don't get me wrong, when i was younger she could be mean if she had to be but, well, i caused it... most of the time... anyways.... she sent me this email the other day and everytime i read it i laugh.. it's pretty darn funny (kinda mean but still too funny!).... k, my best friend, seemed to think so... she said it sounded like something we would say, which makes it even more funny! so, hopefully you will enjoy it as much as i did... if not, don't tell me or i might be looking for a flight of stairs....
Thought of the Day:
Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

until later....

Mazzy and Murphy

i must say that today has been the best day of the week so far... hopefully tomorrow will be just as good as today has been.... hopefully not like the rest of the week (it hasn't been so swell)... today is my one year anniversary at my job and i also found out that i am getting a raise! that is awesome and totally unexpected!! knowing that my boss and co-worker think i'm doing a good job makes me feel really good!
onto the issues.... earlier in the week i found out that i need to work on my coping skills.... 20% of the women today do not have good coping skills... this is not something that we are taught when we were being raised... it is something that most people just develop on their own... but others, like myself, don't seem to develop those skills, or they do but the skills are not as developed as they need to be, and therefore turn to other things to help them cope... i personally turned to a psychiatrist who put me on some meds to help me cope (and to be perfectly honest, i knew he would put me on the meds that i wanted to be on)... the meds did help me cope, for about 4 years, but then one day (recently) i realized that i was totally dependent on the meds.. not only was i dependent on my anxiety meds but i was also dependent on painkillers as well... the very last disc in my back is herniated, how that happened i have no idea, and have/had been on painkillers for almost 2 years.. in that small span of time i have kicked an oxycontin addiction, morphine patch addiction, and now i'm working on the hydrocodone addiction... my family doctor started me out on "mild" painkillers but the pain was so intense that they didn't do anything for me... i was referred to a pain management doctor who put me on oxycontins... and laughed at the same time he told me that he was going to put me on them... that was when rush had come out with his problem... he then jerked me off the oxycontins, with no gradual steps down, and put me on the morphine patches... the oxycontin withdrawals were the absolute worst thing i have ever experienced... my body is still reacting to that experience .... and that does not make me very happy... i decided that i would like to be off almost all meds ( i say almost because right now i am not giving up my birth control!) and decided to start taking steps to change my life so that i can be med-free.... this might sound corny to some, and if you are one of those people, consider yourself extremely lucky that you have not had to deal with this problem... i didn't know how much of a challenge it would be to try to be med-free... this has to be one of the hardest things i have ever done... but, i know that in the long run it will pay off... and that's what counts.... (at least that's what i keep telling myself...)... i feel better about myself because i am actually taking steps to better my life and to do what i know i need to do.... get my life together so that i can live it the way i would like too and not have to depend on meds for everything.... the pain pills were bad as far as physical withdrawals are concerned but the anxiety meds, they are another story all together, i basically used them just to function for the past 4 years... a friend told me what he had learned in rehab.... this rehab place had never had one single person successfully complete the rehab program for xanax... and at the time he told me this i was thinking, what kind of worms were in there trying to kick xanax? that's nothing... i was so wrong! the mental addiction is right up there with the physical addiction... being mentally addicted to something is very scary.... i have seriously been thinking about going to see a therapist to help me kick the xanax habit and so that i can develop strong coping skills so that i can deal with life on my own and be med free! it took me a long time to actually admit that i had a pill problem.. i've known for a while but thought that maybe it would just go away... like that was really going to happen... but now, i am facing it, and can admit it.... and that's a step in the right direction!
all in all, today was a good day, and it's not even over yet! i'm proud of myself though for recognizing the problems and now taking steps to correct them... i realize i did not get where i am overnight so i shouldn't expect to get out of where i am overnight either... and it will be a long hard process, kinda like losing weight, it's so much easier to put weight on (or take a pill to deal with the world) than it is to lose the weight (or lose the pill habit).... but knowing that i have people who care about me, love me, and want to see my succeed in this process makes it a lot more bearable!

you know, i have been trying really hard to try to just let things go but the one thing that continues to irritate me to no end is overly religious hypocrites.... they think they are just a gift to people and they are so much better and above everyone but then turn around and judge people.... the bible states, more or less, that anyone has never sinned may cast the first stone... i just wish there was a "polite" way to tell the hypocrites to back off, they need to check themselves before they go off judging others.... sorry but i needed to vent... that has to be one of the qualities that i just cannot tolerate......