Frustration

frustrated is the only word i can think of to use today... i'm trying like hell not to be frustrated but damn!! right now my emotions are out of control.. i went and weighed last night... i didn't lose anything... i didn't gain anything either... i'm still disappointed in myself though... i know i'm being too hard on myself but i don't want to be like, oh well....it's no biggie if i keep losing or not... i knew that the first time i didn't lose would upset me because i've been doing so well the whole time... yesterday morning i got on the scale and it didn't look like i had lost anything and in my head i was thinking, i'm just going to quit weight watchers.. who really cares... i don't... big deal that i've lost 17lbs... (yeah, i know, nice positive thinking!)... i'm out, not going... in the end i'm glad i did go.... my chiropractor showed up! she said i inspired her to go back after she saw me on thursday.... even saying that doesn't really make me feel better... it should though... i'm going walking tonight at the OEC... it's a mile around the lake... it is chilly outside too! walking around the lake is going to be cold... i'll just have to walk fast then! i was reading at lunch today and wayne was talking about a mantra to repeat to yourself when you feel negative thoughts creeping in... or you realize that they have... i want to be happy... i intend to be happy...
i think i'll be in a better mood when i leave work.... i can go walk and de-stress... speaking of stress... this is what wayne said about it when he was talking about the mantras...

Rule #6: Don’t take yourself so damn seriously.
As you encounter stress, pressure, or anxiety in your life, remember Rule #6 at the moment you realize you’re thinking stressful thoughts. By noticing and discontinuing the inner dialogue that’s causing stress, you may be able to prevent its physical symptoms. I use those negative thoughts as a signal to change my inner dialogue to: Courtney, stop taking yourself so damn seriously. I immediately make the shift from pissed to blissed. I take the focus off myself, and at the same time, I remove resistance to my intention to live a stress-free and tranquil life. I now see this person, that caused the negative thoughts, as an angel to assist me in reconnecting to intention. I stop judging, and actually see the beauty in the annoying gesture(s). I’m kind in my mind towards this “angel”. I’ve moved from hostility to love in my thoughts, and my emotions have shifted from discomfort to ease. Stress is absolutely impossible in the moment.

i seem to be having a hard time with this today... i think for some reason that i don't really want to be in a good mood right now... my co-worker is driving me nuts... i know i have an attitude but damn! i feel that he treats me like crap and takes advantage of me... i don't know if my feelings are correct or not but that's how i feel... i just don't understand... and on top of that, he's making me confused about what my "job duties" are and what his are... i don't know if it's because he's losing his mind or what but he keeps changing his mind about everything... one time i won't be responsible enough to do something but then the next time it needs to be done he's like, um, did you do this? so i just do what i've been doing since the beginning and now it seems like, once again, i'm "taking his duties"... ok, well then don't come in here and throw the inventory down on my desk and tell me to extend the prices... he comes in here today and is like, um, do you have any of the inventory done yet? so i gave him over half... since i gave him the half that i had finished he's just been sitting in his office with his feet kicked out not doing anything... coming in here and bugging me... i didn't even quit working but he didn't get the hint... come on!! the topper was when i got thru eating and came back up to my desk the phone started ringing on my way by his office... he just sat there until i answered the phone because he saw i was coming back from lunch... so it's not his responsibility anymore... i know i keep saying this but he is so ungrateful... i am so thankful for this job... it is awesome!! gravy!! i can sit here all day, work, and listen to my ipod... there's no way that would have been allowed at cingular! i just wish that he would remember how he felt when he worked somewhere else and came to work here... all the freedom and benefits that he gets... i don't see how you could just take that for granted... i mean, he's been "borrowing" postage for his personal mail and his church's mail for, my guess is, the past 33 years... i just want him to realize how good he has it and quit griping about this job and everything else... we can't change the way the world is so we might as well just accept it and get used to it... it's not going to go back the way it was... i know, i'm just irritated and frustrated today... couldn't have anything to do with my visitor arriving yesterday... excellent! i just need to go cool down a bit... but, i can do that when i leave and go walk... i just needed to vent and get that off my chest... hopefully venting about it will allow me to allow myself to just let everything go... none of this is important in the big picture... i just need to convince myself of that now... wish me luck!!

my chiropractor did tell me last night at the meeting that it took her years to learn to replace the negative thoughts with the positive thoughts... but she said that it did get easier... baby steps though right!?!