Update

for the past month and a half life had been pretty difficult for me... i know it was the way that i was handling and dealing with things but at the time that really didn't seem to matter, i couldn't seem to get out of the funk that i was in... wednesday at work i had another crying spell... i just couldn't quit crying... i took a xanax at work (something i don't do anymore unless absolutely necessary)... even that didn't calm me down... the minute i hit the door leaving work i broke down... km called on the way home and i bawled and bawled... mom and i had originally planned to go out to eat and then just see where that took us... i called her when i got home, still bawling, and told her that i did not want to go anywhere, nor did i feel like it... we talked for a bit and then she came over... she brought me the cutest book! it's called smitten and it has pictures of the cutest little kittens in there, complete with their names and different sayings... i love it!! i took a valium later on and drank two glasses of wine... i haven't drank anything since probably new years and i must admit i got kinda tipsy and giggly... then i just passed out...
when the breakdown first started to happen i got pissed, which didn't help my mood any... then i just gave in and went with it... i was too tired to even fight it... having the breakdown helped so much though... i woke up thursday with a new attitude (and no hangover!)... my attitude has been getting ever since and i can already see a "change" in the way things are going and the way that i am perceiving the "challenges" that come my way!! i decided wednesday night that saturday afternoon/evening r and i are going to have a talk... the tv will be off and i have to make him listen to me... i have needs too and as much as i hate to admit it, i need help too... taking care of the normal, everyday things that used to be no big deal is wearing me down... i understand that he works hard (so do i! i have 2 jobs!!) but i can't do it all by myself, i am only one person... he seems to have it in his mind that because i have a "desk/office" job it is not hard or stressful and that i don't work very hard... he is so wrong!! things are going to be hard for a while (being tired, stressed, and just making it thru the first year of being a business owner) but we are partners and we can do this, if we can do it together... not battle each other...
last night r and i went to bed and were asleep by 10:30... i woke up this morning at 10 then decided to lay back down for a minute... it was a little after 1 before i got up... dang, guess i was a little tired... i think it's me "recovering" from everything that's been going on... i meditated before i came over and blogged- trying to stay calm and not nervous about the talk tonight... i know there will be fighting and of course, me crying but that's ok... but i know that once it's all out, his side too, things will be so much better... and i can't wait... i'm going to crunch some numbers for the restaurant and then when he gets home start on payroll and paying some bills...