Crummy Christmas

I don’t really know where to begin with this… all I know is that I am so sad, I feel like I have this big empty hole inside me… which should be filled but isn’t… at least I feel like it should be filled… it just hurts so damn bad inside and I don’t know how to fix it or what to do… I just want it to stop and go away, leave me alone!!!
R’s brother came over Christmas eve eve and they started watching a movie… I was asleep thru most of it but woke up thought, oooh, I don’t feel so good, I’m going to bed… threw up before bed… woke up, r was in the shower, and I barely made it to the trash can in the bedroom when I started getting sick again…. R got out of the shower and took the trash out… sometime in the middle of the night, while still getting sick, I started throwing up “out of the other end”… I was up all night long getting sick… I called momma Christmas eve day because we were supposed to go over there about 3 or 4 and told her that we couldn’t come over because I was sick… she said no worries, just let her know about Monday.... I told her that I was feeling better and that I wanted to go to grandma’s… r and I went to momma and daddy’s… santa had came so we looked thru our stockings and then opened our presents…. Up until I got sick I was so excited about momma and daddy’s presents…. They weren’t much but they were so cute… 2 coffee mugs… each one had a pic of Mazzy on one side and Murphy on the other… the “right” one said merry Christmas grandma/grandpa… love Mazzy & Murphy 2006…. I still wanted to be excited about them but I couldn’t be… one side of me was thinking, how lame… that’s all you get your parents are 2 coffee mugs!!! I know it’s not the size of the gift but the thought that counts… momma and daddy always always ALWAYS take care of us and make sure that we have a good Christmas/birthday whatever it may be… what I always wanted in life was to be able to repay them for everything that they have done for me… and so far I’m still having to rely on them… I should be way past that point…. After we do presents at momma and daddy’s we go over to grandma’s for lunch… my cousin and her husband live around the dallas area and are running a little behind because she has morning sickness and a cold… we start eating, everything is still all good, get thru eating, I’m sitting there and all of the sudden I’m like mom, can I have your housekey? I get the key, go next door and throw up Christmas dinner… I walked back over to grandma’s and r and I left… I was in tears I felt so bad and that was embarrassing for me… I HATE to cry in front of other people!!! You would think I would be used to it by now seeing as how lately i can’t control anything, especially my crying or my anger….
Which brings me to my next set of circumstances that upset me… 2 major things, 1 thing I finally realized about r and 1 thing that I “regret?” the one thing I guess I finally realized about r… I mean, I guess it’s always something I knew but just thought that maybe would change… you know how the old adage goes, you cannot change people… I want some traditions just for us… you know, like on our birthday we always go and do this or around Christmas we do this…. Something that we do together as a couple… I saw how his family was before we got married but I guess I didn’t really think too much about it… god, I do not want to say this, how many times over the past two years have I thought, have I made a mistake?? Is this really who I’m supposed to be with? Would I allow myself to make a mistake like that? Which leads me into circumstance 2…. This was/is the worst one for me… momma told r and I today that my little (the only one I have) got engaged on Christmas eve (they went to visit her family somewhere way up north)… his fiancée is beautiful, smart, tiny, tan, blonde, and just so horribly nice it makes you want to puke… you (well, years ago I would have) looked at her and been like, ah, what a stuck up b!tch… she has matching traveling louis vuitton luggage… her dad went to tiffany’s and bought her a pair of diamond earrings for graduation… I mean, she has everything!!! So momma says that scott, my brother, went to tiffany’s and bought her a ring… her step-dad had bought them train tickets for a little 8 mile ride that served a 5 course meal and I don’t know what else… at the end of it he proposed… I don’t care that he bought her ring at tiffany’s… what hurts me the most is that when my future husband proposed to me I wanted it to be something so special… km and kb both had special proposals… I was so in on km’s too… ah, such a good plan and it worked out SO well…. She promised me that she would help whoever I decided to marry do something like that for me….i guess all wishes don’t come true… I guess I just feel like there were things that were important to me (and obviously still are) but I “sold out”… didn’t wait long enough, whatever, however you want to say it… it sounds horrible anyway I put it…
R and I both got Christmas money this year… most of it together but we usually split it unless there is something we decided to do jointly… this year, we’re splitting it… mine is going into the checking account to pay bills and I don’t know what he’s going to do with his… he said he needs to start “stockpiling” it… I’m sorry, I don’t know if this is selfish or not, it seems that I just give and give and give and he just takes and takes…. I feel like he never considers me first… not all the time, just once in a while!!! I always try to think about him or us first…
I don’t know if it’s just this time of year, pms, or what is going on with me but this has got to stop!! I have got to pull myself together!!! I took a pg test two Mondays ago and it said negative… I really hope to whatever higher power is out there that this is not what is going on with me right now, so me that i could do whatever i wanted to do with my life...i wanted to be an olympic swimmer for the US team (coach always told me i was good enough) or a pediatrician.... i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... not a good thing… I’ve been trying to keep myself sane by eating pills, pills, and more pills… but that’s not working anymore… I’m tired of trying to keep up the “cheerful disposition” and act like nothing’s wrong… I feel like if you look at an overview of me from the outside you see a happy, happily married, hard-working wife, who is stressed (and doesn’t deal with stress very well) but is doing the best she can… if you could see the inside of me, you would see a train wreck… I just feel like I’m one big disaster on the inside… I can’t tell right from left, up from down… something has to give or I’m going to break… sorry for such a cheerful happy Christmas story… not this year
growing up i dreamed of being a pediatrician or an olympic gold medalist swimmer(coach always told me i was good enough, one of the best he had seen)... but i gave up these goals for stupid things that i now regret.... things that seemed so important to me at the time, well, they're not important now... i only wish i had my priorities straight back then.... one day i will have a job doing what i love... being at the pool all day swimming, taking care of kitties, whatever it may be, i will have a job i love... people who have jobs they love and are passionate about are so extremely lucky!!
Ah, yes, one more thing… the other night murph was sitting on his front paws, like with his legs sticking out, but his paws under his body and I said, murph is so cute and he looks so comfortable… the first thing that came flying out of r’s mouth was, Murph you’d better not sit like that or you’ll need $2700 cortizone shots like momma does… I haven’t even mentioned that dr.’s appt to him… he’ll blow a gasket… I can’t help it dammit!! What am I supposed to do?!?!